Through writing myself I discovered how throughout my life I had motivated myself day by day through relying on outside-points to keep going, I would hang on dreams and events that would ‘make my day’ – and I can’t deny about that being supportive in a way – yet it became obvious how depending on external factors lead to an experience of uncertainty within myself.
Motivation – self motivation – that was quite a point to walk through and still walking as I’ve had to let go of the dreams that became my motivation, I had to let go of expecting something of myself or someone that would ‘make my day’ – and by this I mean from seeing someone, from achieving something, from going somewhere – all about experiences, little flickering lights that would light my way so to speak.
Though once I realized that I couldn’t keep up to this, I had to become my own motivation, self-motivation yet I realized that I hadn’t actually cared for myself, I had built myself around an idea that was built in terms of how I wanted to be seen by others, in terms of ‘making a statement’ of how I viewed the world so in essence creating and molding myself as an apparent eccentric person that would still be defined according to the ‘center’ of society – this works in similar way as to how an atheist defines themselves according to the non existence of god – I did the same in terms of being the opposite of the ‘mainstream’ and within that, creating a ‘space’ for myself here in terms of being an outcast of sorts.
This indicated to me that I had created a limited space within reality where I could fit in, it’s fascinating because we’re the only ones that go creating such categories and ‘spaces’ like that, it’s not really something that is already-existent, we merely exist as this program that seeks for its ‘space’ and defines itself accordingly. So my ‘space’ was that of having never actually supported myself, never actually having embraced and accepted myself which made that motivation something quite difficult to walk through, because I hadn’t done something for myself, it all had been for the sake of something/someone else – and within that, I had to face the reality of the situation: I had never actually cared for myself to the extent of doing things as me for me –
Through writing myself I realized that such care wasn’t coming ‘naturally’, I discovered how anything I did was in relation to ‘the rest of the world’ and not really me being the starting point of it all – I didn’t care for myself and till this day I can say that such ‘carelessness’ lead me to self-abuse in certain ways that I’m still facing today. This inherent desire to have another point to validate my existence – a.k.a. relationship – and seeking my worth and value within that became the modus vivendi for myself for quite sometime wherein I could only exist and define myself according to ‘who I was for such person’ – I couldn’t stand or bare to be alone and so within walking this process I’ve learned how to embrace myself, be by myself and get to enjoy myself again – such a self-given gift really, I realized how much I had forgotten about me within that, and I see that I still tend to do that which I am simply placing a ‘flag’ upon because, I can’t be focusing on ‘the outside’ more than I do on the ‘inside’.
Within this, self-motivation which is moving you for you, as you for the sake of supporting yourself entails first getting to stand within self respect, self-forgiveness is definitely a requirement to get to a point of dignity as ourselves, to finally allow ourselves to care for ourselves if we’ve never actually done that. When we realize all that we’ve done and how we disregarded our physical body, ourselves as life it comes as a bucket of cold water, yet it’s necessary for the sake of realizing that we’ve got to create that care, that acceptance and that self-support that’s never ever been promoted as part of what being a human being is, we’ve always been only taught to ‘work hard’ and ‘have great expectations of ourselves’ yet never actually learning how to motivate ourselves for ourselves within the understanding and acceptance of who we are as life – never has that been explained or even considered as part of being a human being.
The motivation that I’ve created for myself as myself doesn’t rely on hopes or wishful thinking of a better world, the motivation that I have is realizing that I’m part of a group of human beings that are standing up for life – I seriously doubt that I could’ve done this alone, by myself and within this it’s obvious that I realize that Desteni is that point available for everyone, all of us that are actually willing to support ourselves as life. The motivation that I’ve created as myself is seeing that I am no longer only supporting these systematic experiences wherein I would go seeking some feeling or emotion to ‘be alive’ but instead realize that it’s up to me to create myself as someone that is stable, self-directive and considering what’s best for all – in essence walking through the steps to be and stand as an actual dignified living being so that I can support in the implementation of a new way of existing – a new way of living in this world wherein we’re no longer motivated by money, by fame, glory or sex – but actually moving ourselves as the will of life we are to stand as equals and create a world that will be simply best for all – a reality that we’ll all be enjoying ourselves to live in.
At the moment I realize this is rather a point that seems too difficult to grasp, I get you – though, I am definitely here to stand as this point of self-support because I see and realize that my ‘life’ being miserably depressed lead me nowhere but to ensure I remained in a state of confusion, self abuse, eternal wonderings and most prominently seeking answers that would’ve made no difference to this reality whatsoever.
Here I place the importance of walking as a group – here I call on Desteni but we also place it within the context of humanity in its entirety. Finding people that are actually willing to care in equal terms has been definitely supportive from the very beginning. At moments where I can’t find that self-motivation, I take it back to the point of doing it for the sake of who I am as part of the group as equals – within that I can support myself in leading myself back to that self respect and self-support that I had realized is perfectly possible before. We’ve gotta ground ourselves from swaying back and forth within this -
If I move myself then it must be constant and consistence – this doesn’t imply ever only existing moving myself– this means within the terms of actually supporting myself in continuing this process as myself, supporting myself to remind myself what is it that I am doing here and how I am walking this as we certainly tend to lose that ‘grasp’ of reality at times. This is only a temporary bridge until we realize ourselves as self movement and within that not basing our application within a separate outcome or for a certain purpose/goal in separation of ourselves.
Equality is a point of motivation – finally dignifying LIFE as it always should’ve been – Self Honesty is a point of motivation as it is within this way of existing that people will learn to consider all participants within all actions – this is the most excruciating part at the moment considering the state of possession we’re living as humanity – yet not impossible.
See, there is no ‘hope’ as I rather move myself to create a better future, there is no ‘faith’ required but on myself as that ability to reassure to myself that I can walk and breathe and do whatever is required to be done for the ultimate goal which is Equality as the certainty of who we are as life – this sounds ‘cool’ but in essence it is only within this that we can actually realize our full potential devoid of a personal interest that usually separates the outcomes into personalized ideas which is where people tend to go into ego.
Moving as one has a single outcome and motive-for-action: equality as life –within this it is the one point we can all agree is required to create and where we can all agree that our fullest potential exists. Therefore I have decided to live my life through this principle, to make myself the motivation for my own walking due to Equality being the single most prominent and important outcome that we require to realize as ourselves first.
Self is the motive to act and live to create a dignified living for all as what’s best for all which is best for myself wherein I am the beginning and end of my day to day living – there is no separate reason to it as I live by principle which is applicable to all equally and I move and create this as myself breath by breath through time and space till it’s done.
There is no ‘reason’ required to move, but only realizing myself as self will and within that the movement of it becomes self-motivation – always back to self without creating a separate point for me to move, act and direct.