The ‘Feel Good’ times

I fooled myself so many times trying to seek something of ‘meaning’ and ‘value’ outside of myself that I ended up looking for ‘something’ that could make sense of this world in almost every single religion, philosophy, gnosticism, physical practices and anything that I could use as a point of giving myself some meaning and purpose in a world where nothing made sense to me.

I got stuck into spirituality for quite a while using it as a way to not face my physical reality while placing all my attention into that which I thought was ‘real’ as the intangible realm where the “true self” existed – quite a paradox in terms of the definition of reality, yet I tricked myself very well into my own belief systems.

I can read my writings from that time and they are all filled with words that could be nice enough to sell hallmark cards. I hid behind words that sounded pretty enough to be  a constant attempt to speak like walking poetry and in that, becoming another brick on the wall of the false-portrayal of what is here as this world, becoming comfortable in sugar-coating this reality. I hid behind knowledge that made me feel special, superior, ‘all knowing’ and almost ‘too good’ to be in the physical world.

I thought of my body as a cage and in that, I did nothing else but separating myself from it further and further, keeping myself busy in my mind, building up a personality that I could present on to others as ‘who I am’ and be excused for not fitting in, for having this ‘kind-hearted’ way of being wherein I saw myself as a living tarot card, a ‘guide’ of sorts or a guru living in the modern times just so that I could be and remain  ‘special’ for those people in my world who would also support this mindset of mine.

I dug the nice spot I built for myself: thinking positively, seeking love, talking about the realm of the intangible and trying to find some freedom from this ‘oppressive world’ through following my greatest excitement. I made of my life a series of self-created fleeting moments and coincidences that could keep me trapped believing that all of it would make sense someday, that I was following a certain pattern as one of the many life lessons that I had to fulfill to eventually complete my ‘mission’ in this world. Yes, no different to being playing  a a game of sorts. I got to be quite obsessive about numbers, names, people, ‘meant-to-be’ experiences in my reality, books, pictures – I was thinking my reality through a filter of some ‘divine hand’ guiding it all. I never realized I was doing it all for myself in fact.

Apparently, god’s mission for me was being nothing else but a fucked up energy interrupter that could go up to the ‘highest excitement’ and then drop down to the deepest pit of denial and misery wherein I would mostly seek to get back on top again through self-created experiences.

Fascinating that I sought people that could feel exactly the same way I did, so that we could all delude ourselves into a comfortable foggy existence wherein we could agree that ‘the world is fucked because there must be a reason for such people to suffer,’ and where karma became the most comfortable belief I took on to not feel ‘bad’ – or even daring to think of myself as responsible – about seeing poor people on the streets.  I would say to myself ‘They must be paying some bad actions from a previous life, they are not only ‘there’ because of this world being fucked, no. There is a higher reason and purpose for it.” Yes, it could be embarrassing to share this but I’ve walked through the points so I’m simply sharing them as they were – no strings attached as I can only recall the general aspects of my reality back then, which was subdued not only because of all the belief systems I was integrating within myself, but because of the daily habits of seducing myself into the realm of the intangible where I could justify it with artistic explorations and solace in the multiple coincidences that I could take on as ‘signs’ indicating that I was on ‘the right path.’ A bunch of crap obviously.

Hiding in spirituality was a great thing for the sake of keeping an acceptable personality that is pretty noble and smiley and seeking beauty all around – literally – that made me popular in my family for a while, lol. What no one really knew is that such happiness wasn’t the ‘naturally good spirited me,’ it was self induced by means that are not necessarily endorphins or a genuine sense of self fulfillment, but more like in a sense of fool-fill-ment through smoking weed as that was the only way that I thought I could ‘get to understand’ reality, that I could be relaxed and enjoying while making of every moment like an episode in a life-series of events wherein I would eventually finish the ‘quest’ by obtaining some type of ‘superior knowledge’ and become super enlightened and be blissfully happy ever after. All of it was a major reverend fuckup.

Now, I’m not recriminating this to myself, it’s taken me years to be able to be writing this out the same way that I could write about my day today and how I got partially intimidated when walking past three older males wherein I realized oh fuck I’m still reacting to seeing men walking down the street with certain aspects that I could consider ‘attractive’ – you know? that type of experiences that are just like regular for human beings lol.

Why I’m writing this today is because I tend to create some type of self-evaluation according to the time of the year. 4 Years ago around these days I was into conspiracies and pretty much starting to believe that something marvelous would happen in ‘4 years time’ and that we were only waiting for it all to unfold in such a nice and blissful way that it would blow all our troubles away, and wash our suffering with some type of magical dust that we could snort and be eternally fulfilled with.  Yes, that’s only an exaggeration of how I thought of this world and reality back then.

Though it was actually through conspiracy theories that I started stepping out of the usual mysticism I had cultivated and getting into knowing the facts that I had absolutely dismissed my entire life. It was a time where I began being ‘afraid’ of the unknown once again because of seeing how there were all of these secret societies trying to control the world and how we were only puppets putting up the show while others moved the strings at their will. Once again, we got really into it and spent several days researching while having our usual past-times doing the regular stuff like ‘being creative’ and pondering about our ‘meant to be’ lives together. Yes I’m talking about the friend/partner that I’d spent almost my entire day with.

One night we actually stumbled upon a Desteni video, a Hitler’s video yet we only saw the beginning as the entire breathing in out freaked him out and took it as a joke. I wanted to see more but, hell, I was quite a submissive one back then and wasn’t  in my full senses either to be self-directive enough – so I complied and allowed the point to just ‘sweep away.’ We really got ourselves into this weird mind state wherein we thought we were discovering the greatest secrets of the world at last, we went around the reptilian point several times which was something that I had definitely considered as a nice myth to entertain humans and nothing else. We all now know how that went  on in reality.

I started getting more interested in meaningful dates and years like 2012 and the mayan calendar which was explained by Ian Xel Lungold while he was alive, and I certainly got hooked on his explanations about it. I devoured his lectures, so I sought for more and in doing that, bam! I found Desteni’s videos on the mayan calendar with Ian Xel Lungold from the afterlife. That was the first video that I saw, I got so excited I texted my mother about it, I almost pee myself out of the excitement as it was just mindblowing for me to be having such characters speaking through the portal. Again channeling was something ‘familiar’ to me, so I didn’t even question that point at the time. I proceeded to register at the forum and began my daily marathons of watching all the material while rolling a joint for the sake of ‘being able to handle the truth.’ It was quite a nice timing as I was completely alone in my apartment during the winter break of my second year in art school. I never thought that my life as I knew it would change forever from that day on.

After 4 years I am grateful that I found Desteni right before I was going to be really screwed-into spirituality and other forms of ‘enlightenment’ or training myself to be some kind of healer, tarotist, or a plain deluded mystic while pretending to make some type of art that could be ‘sacred enough’ to awaken other human beings. I realize I cannot judge myself for all of this because they were all steps that lead me to where I am now, which is still here and facing myself, taking self responsibility which was a non-existent point before this.

It was 4 years ago that I tried my first acid and with that, I thought I had discovered the reality that I had sought for such a long time, everything fit and I felt just like a guru that ‘hits home’ at last. I felt special, I felt that I had to recommend that to everyone – and in fact I did – that was the only thing I required to experience to see that there was ‘something else’ that I was being subdued from. In a way it was an experience that lead me to see a bit beyond my own limitations, so all in all they were part of the game and I took the experiences as part of the same bridge to get to this point.

Now after having told the nice side of story, let’s get the points cracking. I essentially used spirituality as a form of superiority where I could have some sort of ‘control’ over this reality through knowledge, never ever considering that I was actually supporting the entire enslavement of this reality just by keeping myself well deluded in spiritual topics. I neglected the entire world, I could only ‘feel bad’ about other people’s situations, yet saw myself as too incapable to do something about it. That’s how I would feel when watching all those conspiracy theories and such, I saw myself as incapable of becoming a point of change and I only saw ‘spirituality’ as a potential way to solve the problems of this world. It’s not that I never really ‘cared’, I did, but didn’t care for myself and didn’t even consider that I had to first accept and support myself as the individual that I am. I was seeking so much ‘outside of myself’ that I was completely neglecting my own life and reality which is what we now know is what must be taken as a point of Self Responsibility before anything else.

That’s how I began walking this process, as awkward as it was to sit on my bed and beginning to read Veno’s self forgiveness statements as a training point to see how to do it and how it ‘worked.’ From that moment on, it’s been a process of learning through trial and error which is what this process is about. We’re not wanting to keep everyone of us in a certain type of confinement, we actually learn through facing our reality while having the support and necessary tools to see how we can direct ourselves in a way that is best for all.

And for this and many other reasons I’m grateful for finding Desteni, this is just one of the main aspects of it which is stepping out of my habits/ addictions and faith in the spiritual realms. I instead realized I had to do this for myself and this was probably the most valuable point anyone could have ever let me know about.

Thanks for reading and visit the desteni forums to check out what I’m talking about.

personalmythology

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

8 responses to “The ‘Feel Good’ times

  • jasonswartz

    I like that your spirituality is not rooted in fantacy and that you are searching for attainment and not merely believing in stuff

    • Marlen

      Hi Jason, I see this post as not fully concluded then because I am not following any ‘spirituality,’ nor am I ‘searching’ any longer. I’ve realized that I have to take self responsibility for myself and stop any delusional idea that some ‘higher power’ or some energy is above who I really am as the whole = one and equal. That is only the ‘nice’ aspect of it, but in reality we have to create actual conditions that will enable such ‘oneness’ and Equality to be real, which is why we have come up with the Equal Money System proposal which is an outflow of this point of Self Realization.

      So yes, I’m not believing in stuff, I have to create my reality and the reality of this planet as something that I can get to be really proud of in terms of it being acceptable and equally supportive for everyone. That isn’t an ‘attainment’ but a point of self creation – by this I mean it is a walking-process where there is nothing written in stone yet, which is why we write and share our process as we go realizing and standing up from our previous seclusion in certain belief systems that had no practical purposes of creating a real change here on Earth.

      Thanks for reading, if this is not clear – let me know, that way I can make the point real clear next time I approach it.

      • jasonswartz

        Mutual guarantee is how I see it. I try and view humanity as a collective body and I am but one cell within it. I realize that if I am egoistic then I am not working towards the collective. If I am a selfish cell then the whole body suffers kinda thing

        I do feel that there is an Altruistic Upper Force that can be attained, however thats just how I feel inside. I do understand however that religions can have a blinding and brain numbing effect. I call it an opium for the masses. Hush Hush now don’t use you brain thats the devil. LOL However I do believe that each of us must take responsibility and put in the effort. It is not really important if we agree on a higher power or not. I respect you for attempting to bravely go into the great unknown with the intention of bettering humanity.

        No organised system or belief structure will do any good. People with a dark heart will interpret words one way and someone with a heart of gold will see it another. The key to change is a change in consciousness.

        Like the saying goes, “You cannot fix a problem with the same level of consciousness that created it ”

        It is pure fantasy to believe that some savior on a white horse will come and save us. So I really respect the fact that you are aiming at action towards unity, minus the fairy dust.

        i use what I call spirituality because my own egoism was torturing me and when I started to undestand my own darkness it gave me more compassion for other pwoplw…which was a good thing. This is my novel of a post about egoism. It does talk about the LIGHT which you may not agree with, however if you are bored read it and please comment, I am curious what you may think.

        I am going to continue to read you blog anyways I like your no BULL$!T approach…it is refreshing =)

        http://spiritualforce.wordpress.com/2011/11/17/i-see-it-too-just-differently/

  • Marlen

    There is no Altruistic upper force. I invite you to read my equalmoney blog where you can get the facts on what we’re accepting and allowing within this world as ourselves. Absolute abuse and negligence toward each other. So, a lot must be understood and for that I’ve left the links in your blogs and you can also find them here.

    Thanks for reading

  • jasonswartz

    I will read the links with an open mind and heart, thanks Marlen

  • Terhas 'Tree' White

    thoroughly enjoyed this marlen! thank u for sharing urself and the process of seeing ur direct participation in what is really going on here.

  • 2012 R.I.P. God « MarlenLife's Blog

    […] I have written about in several blogs throughout these past months and years – recent example is ‘The Feel Good Times’ – Yet my incursion in spirituality and religions was more of a brief walk  to see what would […]

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