I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that Alchemy was ‘the real deal’ within reality to obtain the ultimate knowledge wherein I could finally obtain ‘the truth’ and be enlightened through knowledge and information.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify the lives of suffering and ‘misfortune’ as ‘lessons to be learned’ wherein we had to first reach our lowest bottom to then rebirth from the ashes like a phoenix, and in this allowing me to use all knowledge and information as myths and gnostic meanings in order to make sense of life, without ever pondering that life has always been here as myself, as my physical body that I used and abused in order to obtain some ‘higher knowledge’ that could lead me to ‘the ultimate power’ as eternal life, which I now see, realize and understand cannot in any way exist as a piece of information at all.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in the ‘spiritual entheogen exploration’ wherein I believed that seeing the patterns on everything and dancing on the walls was really being seeing life moving and dancing for me, which I had kept as a memory that I didn’t want to ‘let go of’ because of how wonderful if was.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was special because I could see all of these patterns, figures and energetic experiences that I have defined as ‘blissful,’ while having no idea whatsoever to what it actually implies to Live, which has nothing to do with any symbol, any pattern, any thought, any feeling or emotion – but self, here, stable as the I that stands aligned as a physical being that is no longer crucified by knowledge and information as the mind’s experience seeking ‘life’ in knowledge and information generating experiences that are finite and induced just like any other drug-related enlightenment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that the truth of reality could only be accessed through knowledge, information or chemically induced experiences wherein everything that I saw was only myself, my own mind and in no way was I actually ‘being here’ as the actual realization of who I am as one and equal as life, but it was only a temporary mind-experience that lead me to seek further into knowledge and information, missing out the basic point which is: not having to ‘seek’ something outside of myself to live, but rather stopping the constant thinking, believing, perceiving, mind chatter and be here, breathing, being still yet self directive which is what I always overlooked when it came to seeking ‘enlightenment,’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek enlightenment as a way to evade taking Responsibility for myself, my world, my reality because I thought that through my own purification, I would have an ‘easy-access’ to life, eternity and all the blissful experiences I sought – never taking into consideration the totality that is self-here as one and equal, but only minding my own business, only being concerned about ‘my’ experience only, which is the ultimate form of selfishness and self-interest that all-seeking spiritual people are currently perpetuating and feeding as themselves.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with alchemy, its symbols, its illustrations and the depiction of the ‘majesty’ of life after walking a process of self-purification from the nigredo, to the albedo to the rubedo which is what I sought to be and become ‘no matter what,’ wherein I neglected at all times the actuality of the world that is here, wherein billions are having no means to eat – yet there I was, wanting to ‘ascend’ and be a super-consciousness being that could ‘the pattern of life’ which was only the patterns of consciousness itself as my own mind, reminding me that I have enslaved life to a pair of figures and symbols in an attempt to live.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become infatuated with knowledge, believing that ‘I was on to something’ and I was ‘this close’ to ‘get it’ wherein the chemical marriage implied that I had to fulfill a ‘journey’ in my life that was related to higher knowledge, higher understanding that made ‘me’ special and ‘unique’ because I felt as if it was ‘calling me,’ when in fact, it was all self induced and learned from examples in popular culture, just like from Jodorowsky and other ‘masters’ that I would read in order to make ‘my own religion’ based on personal self-interest to ‘be one with God’
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to seek God in patterns that I could see with my physical eyes, seeking god in the ‘abject,’ seeking god in Hebrew words, symbols, alchemical terms and trying to find a meaning to life, without ever realizing that life has no meaning but is and exists in itself –
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deposit my attention to ‘wonderful words’ that would mean something ‘too cryptic’ for me to understand, which made me want to understand and study more to be this ‘erudite’ in the matter, which would apparently make me ‘more’ than myself which is how intellectualism operates: the more you store as knowledge and information, the more ‘valuable’ you are in a system where life has been sold in the name of money, which provides enough ‘power’ that creates self-importance.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life was being ‘tested’ by life itself to see whether I could find and get all the clues to ‘get to god/ life/ eternal life’ which is how I became rather obsessed with numbers, religions, alchemy, gnosticism, tarot and anything that could ‘guide me’ to understand who I was and what I was doing here, following a self-importance journey to ‘enlightenment’ that only existed in my own head, feeling like John Nash having an entire conspiracy in the head, watching Pi and the Holy Mountain wherein I thought I could find ‘the meaning’ to it all.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the symmetry and composition in a work of art was pointing out that I was trying to ‘give myself messages through images/ drawings’ which is nothing but the ultimate mindfuck that I participated in and created for myself, wherein I believed that I was drawing out my past lives and pointing out to me ‘the road to follow’ in this lifetime, which is nothing else but the product of knowledge and information that I used in order to make myself special, ‘unique’ and somehow more ‘powerful’ than the rest of the mortals because of having this ‘unique’ fascination with ‘all things divine’ which was only me in my mind seeking some grand entertainment to evade my responsibility in the world, evade actually planning a physical tangible practical living plan that I could use in order to LIVE in this physical reality, but instead being planning ‘who I would be’ once that ‘I’ve reached the ultimate step of enlightenment’ on Earth.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that smoking weed in any way was ‘opening consciousness’ and allowing me to ‘see more of reality’ which is one of the justifications I used to not give it up at the time.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that all bits of experience, all people, all events had a meaning in the puzzle I was busy building as my ‘spiritual journey,’ without realizing or even wanting to accept that I had created it in my mind all the way, and I was just giving more attention to that which ‘fascinated me,’ rather than toward that which represented facing myself, facing my own responsibility and getting to know my own mind as the real creator of this extensive mindfuck.
I realize that I used and abused my physical body in the name of seeking ‘life’ outside of itself as knowledge and information, which proves to what extent we have never even questioned the fact that we are not even aware of every breath that we take, of every single piece of the Earth that we consume in order to continue living and the processes it goes through in ourselves, IN our own physical body – it is ludicrous, yet we are here and walking the process to stop all mind-curiosity toward ‘elevated/ higher/ drugged knowledge’ that has had In No Way any consequence to life.
I realize that my initial ‘Love for Knowledge’ as philosophy, as the desire to ‘know more’ was merely self interest, and that my knowledge became my own cross to bear of which I now take Self-Responsibility for, because I am realizing the simplicity of who I really am here as the physical body that breathes and is able to exist without experiences.
I commit myself to share my process with anyone that is currently ‘in the journey’ to enlightenment or any other form of spiritual endeavor, to share with them how I have realized the mindfuck that it all was while abusing the physical body, the physical reality and neglecting the actual problems on Earth while seeking my personal satisfaction fueled by chemicals, thoughts and experiences that only made ‘one’ special, while disregarding the rest of the world as equally HERE as ourselves.
I commit myself to establish myself as the physical body to ensure that I am no longer bound to the memories of that which I perceived as blissful as all the experiences induced by chemical reactions that I equated to ‘god’ and ‘enlightenment,’ which would have been rather addictive if I had not stopped right away – thanks to Desteni because that’s the only way I realized what I was in fact doing to myself.
I commit myself to expose the fact that no knowledge, no special gnostic information, no alchemic process will create LIFE as Life is already HERE as each one of us, wherein all that we have done is veiled it through further knowledge and information, instead of realizing it as who we are, here as our very physical body that is not bound to the mind’s processes to exist.
I commit myself to expose the desire for enlightenment as self interest as that continual desire to be ‘more than’ who we already are here as physical beings.
I commit myself to continue walking my process of writing, applying Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application to ensure that all knowledge that I had used to define life is purified and equalized as Self, wherein there is no trace of greatness or ‘grandeur’ existent within and as myself, but actually walk the process to let go of this energetic fascinations that I had been so keen toward.
I commit myself to reveal how no enlightenment or spiritual endeavor creates an actual physical change in the world that is visible to ALL or creating any form of best for all outcome, but is merely self interest linked to money as that state of ‘happiness’ and ‘bliss’ that can only be obtained as an experience whenever your stomach has enough food, your body is properly hydrated and your environment is safe and secure from ‘the evil’ in this world that is created ever moment that positivity is sought and pursued in this world.
We Must Stop.
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“Will we honor life or will we honor knowledge? In our words our choices will be heard” – Hell Spoof