My first make-believe to suit my character is that ‘I was not like al the children that go to the supermarket and end up getting something new every time just because of throwing tantrums.’
In fact, ever since the first day of school and taking ‘pride’ in not crying just like the rest of the kids had, which later on I took as a point of superiority wherein I would watch kids throwing tantrums to get what they wanted – I would think how manipulative that was and I was mostly ‘banned from such a thing because of money.
So today in Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, the tantrums thrown in relationship to our parents are explained with great detail – and memories would come up, which I realized I had to then lay out for the actual pattern they represent.
So, the memory that has been imprinted and also told as a ‘family anecdote’ of me, is when I was 3 years old and we were in an amusement park. I was being ridden in a little cart that parents can place their kids in. However, I remember having this desire to be a grown up which I would play out in various ways. In this case, I convinced my parents to allow me to push the cart around as ‘I wanted to drive it/ not be driven’ and so, they did. I probably threw a tantrum in order to ‘get what I want’ and so, I went on walking the empty car, lol. But in a moment, they stopped to eat or something and they didn’t let me know – here is spotting a huge pattern of ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ and victimizing myself because of it as I’ll explain how and why later on. And so, I kept on going and going without noticing that my parents were not behind me any longer. And so I cannot remember what happened next but, I was giving a fake name when people were surrounding me and trying to let the ‘lost people services’ of the amusement park know that they had found a lost a girl with the name ‘Karina’ – lolol and that was the name of my favorite ‘superstar/ singer’ of the time, I simply would not even think that for this case that my name was ‘case-sensitive.’
So, in the end my parents did find me because they saw this group of people in a circle and assumed I could be there. The moment that I saw them anger ignited like never before – and I do recall several anger possessions/ tantrums toward my parents – I cannot remember the reasons, but I do remember the extensive energetic experience of it. And this time when my parents finally found me, I just had this intense anger toward them for ‘having left me alone’ when it had been ‘my will’ to step out of the cart and drive it myself.
My parents felt guilty of course for not looking after me and essentially forgetting about me while they were eating and I just had kept on going – and to say the truth I cannot even remember if I kept on going to deliberately get lost because they simply had ‘forgotten about me’ – of which I see that it is just the mind blowing it all out of proportion in order to justify the victimization that went on.
My father approached me with a bottle of coca-cola and something else, something probably like ‘junk food’ or sweet as a means to ‘compensate my tantrum,’ because I was absolutely possessed with anger toward them for ‘having left me alone.’ And what my parents recall is that I was trying to kick them and hit them out of anger, even if they were trying to ‘solve the point’ with giving me stuff that ‘I liked’ in order to ‘soothe my anger,’ but to me that was blatantly wanting to ‘buy me’ and I realized that they were just doing this to ‘calm me down,’ – which is another point that emerges when I would deliberately go ballistic as in ‘playing crazy’ with my mother lol until she would then start patting my back as if I was really crazy which would infuriate me even more because I was being ‘pacified’ which was just giving more fuel to my desire to just cause a friction and conflict toward them, but specifically my mother, which is a point of friction/ separation that I also have realized in an absolute ‘revelation’ like realization in the Heaven’s journey to life blog #50 which I suggest everyone reading.
And so, one of the reasons why I have such a present memory of this is because they took pictures of the moment when my father is handing me the coke and something else and I am just crying and shouting – and till this day it is an energetic experience that I can recall as being absolutely possessed within the thinking pattern of ‘why did you leave me alone! Why didn’t you let me know you were going to stop’ – and I cannot remember words, but only the experience of it. Every time I’d experience anger like that, I’d get a surge of fear with it as in fearing my own experience, my highly destructible thoughts and imagination, which I could have only gotten from the same symbols that we have lived as characters of our won.
I can recall experiencing like a rift or shift within me whenever I would get madly in anger, and in that memory I remember ‘feeling bad’ for my father because he was this time the ‘pacifier’ trying to calm me down, but instead I did exactly the opposite and didn’t take what they were giving me ‘NO! I don’t want it! sobbing yet in the depth of myself really wanting and being up for taking I have to clarify that at least at the moment – and based on what my mother says – we weren’t the type of children that would throw tantrums in stores to get what they want, but instead we learned how to do it in a rather persuasive manner, politely suggesting that ‘if it is possible to buy me this, then I’ll be very grateful.’ I actually walked and entire point with my father as ‘the provider’ in one mind construct, wherein I became used to always feeling ‘compelled’ to say thank you for everything – no matter how expensive or small the item he had bought for me. I mean I got to get so use to this that I would thank him for buying me a deodorant or a box of cereal, or yogurt and basically everything that he would gladly present to me as ‘look what I bought you’ lol which when I grew up would only made me laugh because I judged his attitude as childish toward myself. the ‘consolation prize,’ but even at that age I developed an entire ‘pride’ to ‘stick to my word’ and not give into these that I had no name for but was something like blackmailing.
The fact that this remained as an ingrained memory is because my parents would recall it, I got a reinforcement of the moment by the pictures taken that and that one picture where my father is handing me the stuff and I am in the middle of the tantrum– I literally felt ‘bad’ about it, but I knew that ‘I had to let them know they had fucked it all up’ – which is rather frightening how we go developing all of these characters from such a young age.
And now that I have scratched my head for more memories, I see that this same pattern remained on how after having struggled with me, my father would just go into silence, which I have also walked extensively in relation to how I ‘cope’ with my relationships with others and how I assume things instead of talking them out wherein I had interpreted silence as a giving up on me, as an absolute state of anger that does not allow you to even articulate. And so I became that in various other examples after that, wherein I would have a conflict with my parents and my father would eventually go silent after usually saying something like ‘do whatever you want’ – and my mother just refusing to accept the point which would lead me to believe that my mother had been this ogre in my life, based on all the definitions I placed upon her, upon my observations and interactions with her.
Then relationships came and that single moment of realizing that someone is ‘feeling sorry’ for something they have apparently ‘done onto me’ I would use and abuse to literally ‘exploit it’ to the max because I enjoyed that sense of being able to make another feel band/ guilty/ shame – until the point wherein I saw they would no longer continue playing the game and eventually comply to it as in saying ‘oh well I won’t get any more conflict from this,’ yet going into guilt for having made the other go through such a preoccupation and conflict wherein essentially, the figure of my father trying to hand me the coke and chips or whatever, was later on replaced by various other people in my world that I would also perceive I was ‘having them feeding from my hand’ in that moment when they were asking for forgiveness of something, and I would deliberately keep recriminating on them and adding ‘fuel to the fire’ so that they could feel like the scum of the Earth. Then, once the point was drying out, I would then comply to the reconciliation, which in the case of the father situation, it was finally taking the coke and chips – and when it came to partnerships, going into sex and further ‘reconciliation scenes’ would usually ensue.
And so, the self-righteous little kid that was able to cause such a conflict in a grown up was absolutely ‘powerful,’ like having the idea that this person that is supposed to be ‘your authority’ is bent on their knees trying to ‘make up for the problem’ that I believed they would cause, which became a game that I participated in whenever they would go out and not let me know, they would usually buy me something so as to make up for the fact that they had forgotten to tell me or simply ‘not taking me’ which I would take as personal.
I realize that the relationship with our parents is a key factor to look into when it comes to the creation of characters – I can spot various characters that later on developed into the ‘who I am’ just because of the starting point of ‘who I am as energy,’ as an experience held/ captured in memory throughout time.
Thus, I’ll be walking specifically this memory to see the patterns I played out and came to fully embody as ‘who I am’ in absolute separation of myself as one and equal.
I commit myself to SHOW that it is Possible to Walk in Forgiveness as Self, Breath by Breath in Self-Honesty, Clearing Every Memory till the MIND STOPS and Only Self as the Living Flesh Remains, Understanding in Complete Detail How We Created a Damaged World so that we together as One as Equal can Clean up the Damage we have Done to Restore Life as Here as It Must Be as the Actual Reality Intended Before we Created Damnation by Giving ALL the Power to Knowledge as Memory ending up as Characters Created by Our Memory as the Knowledge it Contains. – Bernard Poolman*
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