107. ‘If I don’t get enough attention, I stop sharing myself’

Attention Seeker’s Demise and Parental patterns of aloofness

A point of communication with parents is when we try and get their attention in one way or another, when we try and share ourselves and what we find is ‘meaningful’ as a way to spend some time with them. Expectations are built, the moment arrives and all one can be thinking about is ‘please let them like it, let them just for a moment stay calm and quiet, no phones ringing, no distracting chatters, just focusing for some minutes on this.’ However, once a pattern exists within the parent of, for example, being always ‘on a rush,’ there will be little to no patience to watch/ walk something that takes more than the 30 second attention span, eventually going away or finding any excuse to not remain in the moment. Children take it personally and from there a decision is made in anger and retaliation: ‘I swear I won’t ever share anything I do with him/ her/ them again.’ And so we grow up, keeping our stuff to ourselves in such victimized state from that one single moment where attention was not given as the child requested it.

This is a true-story and a repetitive pattern that I disclose here: a broken moment of communication where even words were not required to be expressed, but was just a moment of co-existence in the same room, watching a piece of film that had been recorded in means of slowing-down to reality. Yet existing in that point of expectation to ‘get their attention’ – in this case – my father’s and for him to not be impatient enough to watch this entire video; I essentially set the tone for what would end up being just another predictable ‘walk-out’ of the scene, which I took personally and once again confirming in my mind ‘I won’t share my ‘creative stuff’ with my parents again’ which became a safe way for me to not see how I also was wanting and desiring their attention the way that ‘I wanted it.’

It takes two to tango – however, a message to all parents is that if children are not supported in order to understand how not to take their actions/ reactions personally, consequences that can ensue from such walk-outs are a definitive crack in any form of incipient communication that could have been developing between the child and the father/ mother.

 

“I commit myself to SHOW that PARENTS in fact understand Nothing of PATTERNS and are the Root cause for All Suffering and Inequality on Earth.

I commit myself to SHOW that PARENTS are the PATTERNS that INFACT Create the CHARACTER of this WORLD.” – Bernard Poolman*

 


Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for wanting to get someone’s attention to ‘see my stuff’ and in that moment already going into the fear of ‘they are not going to like it/ they will simply stand up and leave/ they will say they like it out of compromise’ and essentially self-sabotaging that single moment of inviting others to see something I’ve done with future projections of failing at getting their attention, which is how and why I have become resilient to share myself, in fear of not being ‘welcomed’ the way that I expected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share myself with the condition of ‘it must be praised/ liked/ revered’ by others, otherwise I won’t share it at all, wherein my sharing is not unconditional, but already expecting a positive experience and outcome out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the entire starting point of me ‘creating something’ is and had been mostly in order to show it and be able to be praised about it, or causing an experience within another, instead of allowing myself to just share it unconditionally, with no expectations toward it and a such not taking it personal or judging the fact that people can walk out, not say any feedback at all or simply dislike it and that is still okay, as a I cannot control the outcome and reactions that will be experienced in such moments.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation toward getting my father’s attention to watch a video that I made and believing that ‘he will love it’ and expecting the best case scenario from the get go mixed with fear of him just not getting to see the whole thing, standing up and leaving, which is what eventually happened – allowing me to then go into the victimized state of ‘he doesn’t want to see what I created’ and making a mental note of ‘not ever sharing anything with him again, he’s not interested,’ and within that severing a point of communication in terms of sharing what ‘I do’ with my parents, creating a rift toward my father and my own doings, deeming my stuff to be simply ‘not relevant’ for him which in a child’s mind translates into: I am not worthy of their attention/ I am not good enough/ entertaining enough for him to remain watching/ I should have done something different to capture his attention’ – which are all backchat statements based on thinking and believing that the problem was ‘me,’ when in fact the reason why he stood up and left is not based on ‘what I showed him,’ but his own personal decision to simply stand up and leave and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when someone stands up and leaves the room wherein I was showing them something and believing that I simply wasn’t good enough to capture their attention, without realizing it’s not about me or what I do, but a single decision the person made in that moment to leave.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel excited the moment that I was able to capture his attention wherein from this positive starting point, I try to keep the ‘excitement’ and positive attitude on top while actually feeling anxious and fearing that he simply won’t be able to stand/ go through the entire thing, and even thinking ‘if he doesn’t enjoy it, he’ll just stand up and leave,’ which became a reality at the end.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become fully stiff and anxious and nervous while he’s watching because of fearing that he’ll just stand up and leave, which had been a trademark of his, that I actually feared having to experience myself with my own work and sharing something with him.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in such point of fear of ‘him leaving the room,’ and eventually manifesting it, confirming my own ‘future projections,’ without realizing how I simply had sentenced myself to my own words and supporting the co-creation of a moment wherein all I became was this ‘hope’ of him not leaving the room, eventually confirming that my hope was not a solution and that he ended up leaving the room anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get irritated at him for him standing up of the couch and beginning to arrange things, picking up the garbage and dusting off the cushions while the video is playing, only confirming what I was expecting him to do: standing up from the couch, finding something to do around while he plans to escape the scene/ room in a silent manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear ‘he’s not into it,’ and as such while being nervous and anxious about him eventually leaving, not being here breathing but only becoming this one point of hope and observance that is almost ensuring how things will unfold without having even gone through the actual events – yet eventually experimenting it as we are the ones that are creating our reality according to the words we accept and allow ourselves to exist as.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative experience the moment that he left the room, feeling defeated and essentially declaring that I would give-up on any further attempt to get his attention on my work, which became a sentence that I realized I was in fact just saying out of spitefulness because I eventually realized I could have not taken the point personally.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in that moment when seeing him leaving the room without saying anything, think ‘I won’t show him anything again,’ referring to my creative work and how I simply deemed in that moment that Nothing I would do would be of his interest, which was a rather all encompassing statement that in no way supports an actual realization of, first of all, not taking things personally and secondly assisting and supporting myself to see how I victimized myself there in that moment, holding on to the grudge of that memory, instead of working it with and explaining how I reacted, why I reacted and as such establish a proper communication that is not based only on short-sentences that generate an experience of ‘I am here’ and as such create bonds that in no way are of actual communication, but instead becomes another protocol type of communication that never really supports children to fully open up, because the father/ mother is not really ready to give its full to do so for their children.

 


Self Corrective statements:

When and as I see myself wanting to get someone’s attention to ‘see my stuff’ and in that moment already going into the fear of ‘they are not going to like it/ they will simply stand up and leave/ they will say they like it out of compromise’ and essentially self-sabotaging that single moment of inviting others to see something I’ve done with future projections of failing at getting their attention, which is how and why I have become resilient to share myself, in fear of not being ‘welcomed’ the way that I expected – I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am being conditional with me sharing myself wherein I am only seeking self-satisfaction as instant-gratification instead of sharing unconditionally without expecting anything in advance.

 

I realize that the only reason why I would want to get someone’s attention is because I haven’t allowed myself to give such attention to myself first, wherein then a negative experience and the choice of not sharing myself ever again comes as a spiteful mode for not having acquired the attention that I initially craved. Who I am as breath here is able to share without any drive of self-interest nor an expectation waiting to be fulfilled – who I am is constant here as the interaction that is able to be directed here as breath without any mind-interference of self interest.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when I do get people’s attention toward what I am doing, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me just satisfying the attention seeker character that would have reacted in the opposite manner if such attention had not been given the way I expected – thus I see and realize how my beingness in the moment is/ was defined according to others, instead of me remaining constant and consistent without shifting into further mind-dimensions of self-interest.

 

When and as I see myself defining my starting point of creation according to creating a positive experience within me and within others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am compromising myself within this very mechanism of positive experience upon expression wherein expression is no longer unconditional, but suiting a particular character that seeks energy as attention to keep existing.

 

When and as I see myself defining an entire point of interaction with another based on a ‘bad experience’ as defined by the ego of the mind in relation to not getting enough attention/ sufficient energy to continue a positive experience, I stop and I breathe – I realize that what I am defining as a point of separation or severing a relationship is in fact a spiteful action taken on by myself as the mind that will now go into the opposite polarity as the negative experience for not having gotten enough attention/ energy to keep a particular character – such as the attention seeker – running. Thus I allow myself to simply continue sharing myself unconditionally without wanting to ‘get’ an experience from another, but simply aligning myself to an equal and one physical stance wherein whether someone is interested in watching or not is not relevant any longer, as who I am is and can’t be defined according to other’s opinions, judgments and experiences created upon my own expression.

 

I assist and support myself to remain here as the physical breath whenever I share myself in any form with others, wherein I stop any expectations of either a positive or negative feedback as that clearly creates a point of expectation that is not required as all that I express myself as in the moment is what I am existing as in the moment – and that cannot be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ but it’s a simple mirror and tool of self-reflection to get to know myself and as such support myself to See Me. If from this sharing others can support themselves as well in any aspect/ way = cool, yet it doesn’t define the point of expression in itself any longer.

 

When and as I see myself into the giving up mode of ‘I will never show anything to him/her/ them again’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am reacting according to not having fulfilled a character in my mind. Thus, I stop the self-victimization of deciding to ‘not share myself again’ and allow myself to share unconditionally that which I see assists and supports me – therefore I am the one that is responsible for the point of expression in order to reflect back on it and in self-honesty be able to decide whether this is in fact supporting me or not. I direct myself to self-forgive the moment or reaction if it emerges in the moment that another is not ‘paying attention’ to what I say/ do as I realize that this has been a reason for me to keep quiet/ become isolated, just because of thinking, believing and perceiving that just because someone did not want to hear me = no one ever will.

 

When and as I see myself feeling anxious and nervous upon wondering what others have to say in relation to something I created, I stop and I breathe – I realize that such anxiety is stemming from expecting either the worse or the best and as such keeping me in a friction and unnecessary expectation, without realizing that who I am here as every moment of breath does not require to be expecting the next moment with any experience, as it comes breath by breath – thus any further value given to words in separation of myself here as the physical body must be re-assessed to see how I have defined such words as positive assessment or negative assessment.

 

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience for someone remaining silent when I am sharing something, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have associated silence with a negative input instead of realizing that being expecting something out of another is already placing a condition in me sharing myself – thus I simply allow myself to share in the moment, without any expectation – yet also ensuring that the message is clear and asking questions if pertinent about it, instead of just complying to the silence and creating backchat about it instead of directing it in the moment, facing what Is see and cross referencing it with the person/ people involved in such moment.

 

I realize that most of the problems and even wars in our world and reality have been built around misunderstandings that, because they were not clearly and directly spoken, they grew into major conflicts that were able to apparently only be solved through wars and further conflicts, without realizing that such misunderstanding could have in fact been talked through and arranged in a way wherein we are in fact able to come to an agreement of what’s best for all. This is thus speaking in general terms of communication and how silence or physical attitudes had become these ‘indicators’ of something not being ‘alright’ – however, we are the only ones that have decided what is alright and what is not alright according to worth and value of the mind, which is how we have made of our reality a polarized concoction of opinions fighting to get on top of each other, instead of considering the physical reality in common sense at all times, which actually simplifies the points to a self-evident correction that can only be neglected and/or deliberately denied if we are only willing to continue supporting the ‘who we are’ as mind systems of opinions, judgments, beliefs and experiences that in no way have supported life in Equality.

 

As a general suggestion it is to assess ourselves whenever we are sharing or being the ones on the receiver’s ‘end’ and check our reactions, if we go into a fidgety mode, or restlessness or plain mind judgment, to get ourselves back here in the physical wherein we can ‘come back to our senses’ and realize that we are in fact sharing a moment with another being that is sharing themselves unconditionally, and that us shoving away that opportunity to do so will create consequences not only within them but as a general statement of separation that we create in that moment stemming only from our own mind-limitation that in no way regards life in equality, but can only create such separation if there is a ego-perspective to defend, a mind’s desire to fulfill.

 

I assist and support me to walk my process and identify such moments in my day to day living, to ensure that I do not repeat this separation within me, nor do I become the one that denies or shoves away another’s expression in means of fulfilling the desires of the mind in the moment.

 

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

One response to “107. ‘If I don’t get enough attention, I stop sharing myself’

  • “I Want to Pick My Sister Up” Part 8 » Leon's Journey to Life

    [...] I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that my identity as who I am was created through and as my parents acceptances and allowances, as most of the information that I learned about myself came from / through my parents. When and as I see myself fearing to lose my identity as my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. I stop, breathe, and clap my hands — as a point of signifying that I am still ‘here’ because when and as I start fearing / generating a fear in and as me, I am not here, but in and as my mind attempting to validate my existence as the mind. But I am able to stop participating in my mind, as my thoughts are only engineered when and as I give them attention. [...]

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