Who are we when we ‘don’t feel like talking to someone’?
This came up yesterday in my writings as a pattern I played out in childhood – however I can see it in subtle ways wherein even taking certain paths to not have to talk to certain people have been a constant throughout my life. And this has been such an ingrained pattern that it’s been only now that I am investigating it – it seems that to me it was perfectly normal to ‘not want to talk to people’ and essentially develop evasive patterns, which I disclose here:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question why I would simply not ‘feel like talking’ to people/ communicated and who I am within this evasive pattern wherein I am essentially denying myself the opportunity to communicate with another in any given moment.
I realize that this has been a life-long pattern that emerged as a child wherein I wanted to be and remain a ‘special’ and ‘unique’ girl that was deemed as more mature than others, wherein I used this positive-feedback as a way to justify my ‘selective/ picky nature’ wherein I would then feel righteous to choose who I would communicate with and who I would simply be able to discard according to the values I created within my mind as who was ‘worthy’ enough of communicating with me and who wasn’t/ at the same wondering if I was worthy enough to communicate with certain people that I deemed as ‘more’ than myself – this is how I built my own value-scheme wherein I essentially grew up to speak with people on the surface, but rarely ever communicate the reality of myself with others.
When and as I see myself going into a slight experience of anxiety and future projection of probably meeting someone while walking out in the street/ going out and already scheming ways to evade talking to the person/ people by changing routes, I stop and I breathe. I realize that me wanting to ‘hide’ from people stems from not wanting to interact, simply because of disliking having to ‘answer questions,’ without realizing that I decide what I share and how I direct myself in any given moment of communication.
I realize that I am the one that is able to stop following the pre-planned protocols of communicating with people in my every day environment, and that the experience of dread toward having to ‘talk about the same every time’ is depending on me and where I direct communication to now.
This reveals how any form of friendship or relationship was built always within the consideration of a ‘compatibility’ that inevitably creates a point of specialness between two beings, which is what generates the most conflict in reality, as one eventually reduces all ability to interact and express with any other being just because of holding to this ‘one’/ few relationships wherein we believe we are ‘being comfortable,’ however we are only comfortable because it is such relationships that ensure we remain trapped in our ‘personal limits’ as the characters and personalities that we agree to play out with one another, which is how we define ‘having a good time’ with a friend or a family member/ colleague or any other being that can immediately support our ‘who we are’ as the mind and as such, developing a kinship that separates ourselves from the rest of the beings, as there is now a ‘special bond’ created that functions like an ‘exclusivity’ between two beings while deliberately closing off all opportunity to expand and interact with more beings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow up with the idea that I had to create ‘special relationships’ with whom I would be sharing myself with, which is how we learn that we cannot just communicate with anyone, but we have to create ‘special bonds’ and relationships to do this with only certain people. I realize that this mechanism is the primary way to ensure that human beings remain separated and secluded within relationship bubbles that become a form of private property and ownership wherein who another being is in our minds is defined according to the history, experiences, memories as the accumulation of moments we’ve spent with them – instead of realizing that interaction and communication that is in fact physically here is constant and consistent and does not require a ‘history’ behind to be able to communicate.
I realize that this point of preference is me still placing value onto people as in considering some ‘more’ and others ‘less’ according to a preferential rate that I have created within myself and that has run in an automated mode, wherein I have gone as far as thinking that people in my life that were ‘meant to be important’ were the ones I would find myself being comfortable with – while thinking that everyone else I had nothing to do with, which is how I lived a life seeking for these ‘special connections’ without ever even daring to see that all human beings are the same and that there is no need to create ‘special connections’ in order to interact, share and communicate with another.
When and as I see myself creating a point of separation as to ‘who I want to communicate with and who I don’t’ – I stop and I breathe, I realize that the mind is the only one seeking for ‘special beings’ to communicate with. Thus, I direct myself to break my own ‘religion’ of only communicating with certain people that ‘I like talking to/ I enjoy communicating with’ as this is the way that I can in fact expand myself beyond my own limitations of ‘who I speak to.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately short-worded and laconic toward people with whom I didn’t want to continue communicating with, simply because of rapidly having assessed that ‘we were not compatible/ not in the same wavelength’ which even by the expression proves how it is that we have become nothing but frequencies looking to match each other to ‘complete’ each other, which implies that everything I had considered within communication was using words to feed the ‘who I am’ as my mind and that everything and anyone that challenged this, would be seen as threat that I had to immediately ‘stop talking to,’ yet because I did not understand this mechanism, I simply would assess that ‘we were not meant to be,’ and as such accepting such rejection toward another and reaction as real, without seeing how in that moment of deciding to deliberately stop talking to another was me as my mind deciding who I am in such moment – and never really even daring to see HOW it is that I created such a point of preference in such a short time, which is proof of how we go through our days assessing people as images, as few words and profiling them in order to see whether they ‘fit’ our value-schemes of potential friend/partner, just because of how we see that such beings would definitely support our own mind-possession as personality, wherein life is absolutely neglected and forgotten while everything that is looked for is a sense of ‘compatibility’ to support the ‘who we are’ as the mind.
I realize that this evasiveness is actually a cool point to flag from here on as this is the way that I can now be aware of me stepping into the ‘picky character’ that would simply decide not to communicate with someone based on a sparing assessment of a person, which is obviously only me as the mind deciding ‘who’s worth it/ who’s not worth it’ as an immediate mechanism to ‘choose’ who I want to communicate with, which is what I see and realize is as elitist as wanting to preserve benefits over any other beings in this world, as I realize that any form of ‘special relationship’ is in fact wanting to continue existing as that point of separation that we have created through/ as relationships in our reality and existence.
I realize that I am in the verge of stepping into mind control wherein I become complacent to the preferences of a mind that has never considered the possibility of being able to communicate with any other being as one and equal. Thus I realize that whenever I see myself wanting to evade a person is me playing out the ‘evasive’ character as a way to not have to actually share myself unconditionally, simply because of how I had placed such ‘special value’ to ‘me sharing myself’ to only apparent ‘special beings,’ without realizing that in this, I am creating a point of separation by my own selective participation. I see, realize and understand that these are the opportunities to break the pattern of ‘selective communication’ that I had lived as without a question before.
When and as I see myself being deliberately short-worded and laconic toward beings while thinking that I want to ‘stop talking to them’ already – I stop and I breathe –I direct myself to continue speaking if the point is here for us to communicate, and/ or deliberately push myself to open up with others, to finally realize how it is possible to interact without requiring to load a ‘memory’ of someone or having built up a personal archive of experiences with another in order to interact/ communicate and as such live here in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had only a ‘few friends’ because of not many ‘understanding me,’ which was a deliberate self-victimization and self-manipulation patterns that I used as an excuse to remain selective in my communication with others, which certainly ensured that I remained as the same character that would never question my ability to communicate with others.
I realize that I can communicate and share myself unconditionally with any being just by realizing that communication must be physical, words that are spoken in the moment can be expressed without requiring to ‘assess’ the being in order to know ‘how to communicate’ as that would be me wanting to ‘fit in’ another’s schemes and values as to who they want to speak to and who they don’t, which is how we have all caged each other within these apparent incompatibility that eventually leads us to not even try and push further such limitation, but accepting such ‘incompatibility’ as real, without realizing that two physical bodies do not require to be ‘compatible’ in nature as the organism in order to be able to interact – thus it is clear that such limitation is existent only at a mind level and as such it only exist in each other’s mind as our relationships with each other and our relationship to the world, wherein we believe that some ‘do deserve’ not having any money to live
I see, realize and understand that money is also a form of communication and that me creating a point of evasiveness and/ or deliberate separation from another is only me giving into the elitist world system wherein the distribution of the resources is not given to all unconditionally, but is determined by a set of arbitrary and evil rules and regulations that in no way considered that all beings are equal.
Thus, If I stand up for an Equal Money System, I realize that such point of Equality begins within and as myself wherein I stop valuing people as more or less than who I am here as a physical being that coexist with all other living beings that I have simply separated myself from when existing as a mind that only seeks to build up its special-guest party list in order to leave some as Very Important People in one’s mind and the rest as ‘Non-Important-People’ where we sever our ability to recognize each other as equals,’ essentially dishonoring each other as equals and instead giving into a mind possession wherein there can apparently be something ‘more’ or ‘less’ than who we are.
Self-Equality and Oneness begins with me here, walking a process of Self-Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application wherein I can in fact realize and recognize how I became the image and likeness of this world system and how through my participation, I became the creator and sculptor of myself as a world-system keeper that only acted in one’s own benefit to create relationships that would only support myself as the mind and subsequently, give continuation to the world system wherein selectiveness, specialness and elitism became ways to ensure that no one questioned why we lived in such a polarized world, because we learned and acted upon such ‘selectiveness’ without a question.
“I commit myself to show – why/how energy and money is in fact the evil in this world that reverse the opportunity for life/living with/as the physical, as money and energy is what consume life/physicality as the body and this physicality existence into and as its main system as the Mind/the World System to continue existing/surviving. And that the process of/as actual LIFE/LIVING that is here for all, equally as one, is walking out of the Mind into the Physical, aligning the World System to/as this physical existence/humanity in equality and oneness as the Equal Money System.” -Sunette Spies
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