Day 32: A Dead Honest Confessional

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of absolute abdication to a mind that is constantly seeking to win, to have more, to be entertained, to be praised, to get any energy kick out of a sip of a drink, out of food that keeps me alive, seeking for the next greatest thrill and mind obsession that will give a ‘meaning to my life,’ without realizing that it is in such constantly ‘chasing after chasing’ that I have been sickening myself with consuming everything that I could in the name of a piece of heaven, something that could tell me ‘who am I’ and in that, losing my entire beingness that has always had to stand and bear the weight of my own thoughts that would always create a ‘state of mind’ that I confused and adopted as ‘who I am,’ without ever pondering if ‘who I am’ is actually supposed to be and exist in such constant anxiety to live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the ‘who I am’ as thoughts of self deprecation, placing myself in uncomfortable positions throughout my life in exchange of a bit of a acceptance and what I deemed was ‘love,’ and in that, compromising the entirety of my expression to being just one thing: a person in a relationship that is equal to the non-spoken and non-established rules of a relationship that could only lead to a ship wreck wherein the reality and consideration of who I really am was nowhere to be found, as I completely became possessed by a relationship entity that could only thrive the more I forgot about myself as an individual, and for that,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide memories within my own mind as rusty backchat that I had not been willing to ventilate through Self Forgiveness out of being ashamed and remorseful toward what I have accepted and allowed to exist in my world, which I realize is the least thing I can do when no one else will do this for me: I am the one that is able to grant myself Self-Forgiveness to learn from the mistakes of the past and ensure that any pattern of self-abuse is stopped here, breath by breath as an accumulation of who I am as life, as the assertiveness of what I am willing to live and recreate myself as, which cannot be knowledge-based, but an actual doing and living within the consideration that I am able to grant myself a new page to write my life, wherein this time I stop seeking only my personal glory, but commit myself to become part of the solutions required/ necessary in this world to be able to Live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my body as a way to only satisfy my mind’s desires, without ever considering what is it that I was putting the entirety of my cells when following my desires and obsessions in the mind, which I now know I was absolutely consuming and misusing because of thinking that ‘my body is here to serve me,’ which wasn’t ME speaking, but my mind as the surrogate for life that I accepted and allowed myself to become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think that I had control over my body, without even seeing/ realizing that I am not even aware of all the processes that go inside me, I was not aware of what happens during sex in fact as an actual reality-check that could lead me to see what is it that I was actually doing to myself – and in that, become simply a robot in auto-pilot, believing that: because everyone else is dong it – why can’t I? And so, using society as a point of reference to do and become that which I thought was ‘acceptable’ and ‘okay’ because: everyone else does it as well.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I would experience myself, and in that never realizing that I created and stirred my own shit in a glass of water and only now realizing that I had not been self honest when reviewing relationships in the past, because I was still holding a grudge against ‘them,’ which would keep me in a safe spot of being a victim, without realizing that the moment that I victimize myself, I abdicate the entire responsibility of who I am because I am making the statement: I am not here as myself, I am inferior to whomever ‘did this to me,’ which is actually of great dishonesty because it always takes ‘two to tango.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually abuse myself and others by using ‘them’ as a crutch to my self-victimization within relationships, without realizing that I actually was aware of it all – all the time – and still, remained in such relationships and subservient positions of which I here take full self responsibility, because it all happened inside my own head, it was never even spoken and directly communicated, which is how relationships are simply prone to fall, as I missed out a key point within any relationship: establishing comfortable, open, direct and vulnerable communication in order to make sure we are equally agreeing on every decision and every move we take as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my body as a holder of my own personal paranoia wherein I thought that ‘the song was always about me,’ which means being always constantly thinking that ‘everything is about me’ and expecting at all times ‘all eyes on me,’ which means that I lived as an eternal magnet seeking to attract any form of attention that I could in order to validate my existence from fellow mind consciousness systems, without ever pondering about the actual physicality of my body that gives sustenance and actual substance to my thoughts, my experience and my actions derived from only following thoughts in my head – within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never even ponder for a moment to ask my physical body how it felt about everything that I was placing myself to live as, wherein energy as emotions would consume me, and I could physically experience that and never questioned it, it would only come up as a fleeting lint on top of my head ‘what is it that I’m experiencing that is crawling all over my body?’  but would immediately shove-it-away because of giving some knowledge and information in the form of a belief to it, wherein I could just continue focusing on ‘fueling the emotion,’ because at least, it made me ‘feel something’ which I had equated to living.

 

I forgive myself that I never even allowed myself to ponder asking my body about ‘how it feels to be me,’ as I always assessed such ‘feeling,’ according to thoughts, ideas of self, emotions, feelings and any other experience that would only take place on my head – never really considering my cells, every single breath that is unconditionally keeping me alive – I took all of it for granted, for what? To give continuation of a lifetimes of inner conflict, constant desires to win, to consume, to have it all, to be on top, to recognized, to be accepted by anything and everyone outside of myself while holding a belief that: I was doing just fine, I’m just like everyone else = these experiences must be normal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to consider ‘normal’ as in equating life to a series of conflict that lead you from positive to negative, and never questioning really how is it that we actually fuel and create such experiences by ourselves, as I was still delegating my responsibility over my creation to a ‘god’ and ‘preprogramming’ and ‘who I am as my genes,’ which is in all ways still me, yet in my mind it is seen as a ‘better thing to do’ to always seek out culprits to keep the ‘white image/ self-immaculate image’ wherein I can remain a victim and play amnesia about my creation, which is exactly what we have done and abdicated ourselves to be and become, coming to this Earth life after life without being able to remember – yet being fully aware of what we were doing, which was enticed by the entire desire to be eternal, to get to heaven, to be ‘more’ than what we are as an actual physical body which cannot certainly exist as any of such ‘past lives,’ as all that Is real is here, as the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to agree to become an energy-sucking machine that is only programmed to consume itself in a proportional rate as to how I participate in my mind, wherein ‘who I am’ is reduced to a set of self-created and self-programmed emotions and feelings that I deem are ‘life, ‘ and within this never being aware of the extent of abuse and misuse of physical matter that I consume and that I abused to nurture my own separation, becoming the very acceptance of self-abuse as ‘who I am,’ without ever questioning it because we always accepted it as ‘human nature,’ which is the greatest excuse we have used to see the desire for power, vengeance, war, control, money, greed, survivalism, competition, emotions, feelings, pursuit of happiness as an ‘inherent human desire,’ without actually willing to see, realize and understand the actual core and starting point of all such actions which indicate an evil human nature whose consequences can be seen far and wide within this reality, wherein we’ve sold life in the name of money.

 

I forgive myself that I never questioned others’ lives and how their state of poverty, famine, abuse, starvation, was even ‘accepted as part of society’ and not stopping for a moment to ponder: who I am within this picture, within this bipolar world  that is simply accepting multi-millionaires to exist along in the same Earth where millions could be fed with one man’s ‘wealth’? How am I allowing a system that is neglecting the basic living support and services to people that are Clearly and Undeniably asking for them, but not getting them because ‘they don’t have money.’ It is truly unacceptable to dare to even utter the word ‘love’ in this existence without having a look at the actual atrocities that are committed in the name of money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make it okay’ to have any activity to be used in means of getting money, which only reflects the outflow of an actual prostitution of life wherein we have never dared to stop for a moment and ask a very simple question: ‘What am I doing to myself? Do I even recognize who I am as this character? Is this all there is? – And not just litter it out as some type of conspiracy-theory type of thinking, but as an actual consideration of life, of what we are doing to ourselves and the consequences that we have manifested for ourselves here, which we now have to take full Self-Responsibility for with no middle-grounds and no middle measures, as we cannot deny what we have done onto ourselves and the Earth, because it is in front of our eyes everywhere.

 

Do I like what I see? No – and this is the reason why I stand up for Life, because I see what I have done, I realize what I have accepted as normal, and how I lived out a life of physical abuse just as every single other human being, wherein the definition of physical abuse must not only exist as someone doing something ‘onto you,’ but each one of us depleting the very life essence that we are existing as, unconditionally and that is now nowhere to be found Here, because we’ve only depleted and transformed ourselves into Energy – not Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever yearn for ‘better times’ wherein I allowed my days to simply go by without me doing a single thing to stand up and take the directive principle of my life, because I was old that I could ‘not change the world,’ and in that did not consider that I could begin with myself – yet the inertia experienced within a comfortable yet self-limiting position was more ‘powerful’ than any self-will to move and change winds into another direction, because of fearing eventually losing myself within – not getting my ultimate desire and simply dying and ending up high and dry in the attempt.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry with the past as a burden on my back, as all the memories that remind me ‘who I was’ as a self-centered yet pretended selfless being that sought experiences to carry around like souvenirs. I realize that I’ve kept my own collection of memories as the pillars to my very own cage and self-created limitation. I realize that I am able to give me back to myself everything that I have separated myself from in those memories in every moment that I learn how to Forgive Myself.

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to claim to be sure of ‘who I am’ without even having the least/ remote idea of what I actually am, what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and how I have actually abused myself in such continual desire to ‘be something/ someone’ that could have a label that indicates ‘I am a part of this reality.’

 

 

I commit myself to become the point that stops living as a self-programmed system that is only seeking for personal glory at all times, and how this has been our own demise that is now taking us to the current state that we’re in, where life is being sucked dry from all in the name of our personal gain and ‘glory,’ which can only exist as an equally self-created mind delusion that must stop.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is that we have founded a ‘human civilization’ upon abuse, that our progress can only exist if someone is left deliberately marginalized and waiting for death to come as ‘who I am and have become’ as a human being has shown no regard for fellow living beings, wherein it is ludicrous to ever claim that: ‘we are in control,’ because we’re not, we are not even aware of how every single breath power the entirety of our body = we cannot possibly claim we know better.

 

I commit myself to expose the realm of knowledge and information for the uselessness that it represents as an actual misuse of life in the name of personal glory, wherein ‘who I am’/ who we are as humanity is praised and pondered upon a pedestal that has always been created at the expense of other life forms that we have absolutely disregarded and neglected as being one and equal as ourselves.

 

I commit myself to share and explain how the more we keep each other separated from our own body, and how the more we keep fueling our bubble-lifestyle wherein we only care about ourselves, we are in fact ensuring the depletion of all life here, while many starve to death because who we have become in our minds, has neglected ‘them’ as being ourselves as well, an equal part of what is here that we have decidedly ignored to only satisfy our ‘dreams,’ which can never be actually fulfilling, as it was all just ‘a dream’= a mind created illusion.

I commit myself to support myself to continue forgiving myself for the plethora of self-delusions that I gave head to and that I abused myself with in the name of an experience, an idea of life, instead of actually becoming the life that is here as myself as the bones, tissue and flesh that I nurture with the Earth’s resources every single day and that I had abused in the name of self-interest.

 

I commit myself to support others to see this for themselves, as I realize that we are going nowhere unless ALL is equally aware of this process of self-support and the importance of walking it as a life-commitment, as this is a once in an existential lifetime opportunity to birth ourselves as life, by our very own breathing accumulation here, moment by moment, breath by breath. until all the parts of separation that I have created are brought back to ‘justice’ as the just-is, as the life substance that has always just existed/ been here, unconditionally and that we have separated ourselves from through a single belief, clogging it with meanings and words and colors as relationships of energy that must be stopped by each one of us.

 

The confession of having lived a lifetime of self-abuse is a written process that is taking place all over the world – it is not negativity, it is what being Self-Honest implies, it is being Dead-Honest about the reality that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.

 

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Blogs to Get to Know Yourself:

• Energy as Authority – Part One: DAY 31

• Day 32: Mind Authority

• Day 28: I FOR GIVE ME

Day 31.Fawning

fawn
n    verb give a servile display of exaggerated flattery or affection. Show slavish devotion, especially by rubbing against someone
-to court favor by a cringing or flattering manner

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that for instance what I like or dislike on YouTube will determine breath by breath ‘who I am’, and what I allow Earth to become.” Bernard Poolman 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as fawning wherein such likeness/ appraisal  is seen by myself as only seeking approval/ bootlicking in order to not render an actual recognition to another as an equal, but only seeking self-glorification through association, without realizing that this is only me and my association as judgments toward other beings’ expression that I must take back to self to see where and how I am existing as the judgment toward recognizing another’s work/ job/ expression due to deeming it as ‘fawning’ and in that, believing that acknowledging another’s work/activity will diminish ‘who I am,’ when in fact it is only an ego that can feel like ‘diminishing’ upon recognizing another’s work/ expression – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  harbor and perpetuate  such mindfucks about being able to openly like and demonstrate recognition of another as an example of something that is an actual expression of self, to ‘like’ something that I realize is in support of what’s best for all life, because I want to remain as ‘exclusive’ within my preferences and using a mind-value scheme to decide what I ‘like’ and what I ‘dislike’ according to the person behind the point of expression/ work/ words, which implies that I am still existing as a mind robot that is easily mind controlled according to preferences and preconditions acquired throughout a lifetime of secret elitism toward others in means of becoming an elitist myself and seeking the same ‘special recognition’ by ‘special people’ in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how within me judging others as fawning in means of being subservient, I am in fact recreating the same hierarchical systems that I have judged and opposed throughout my life, without even seeing or being aware how within my own backchat deeming people as ‘bootlickers’ I was already diminishing others in my mind in means of remaining ‘superior’ as ‘knowing better than licking another’s boots’; this reveals to what extent I have become the very waste of breaths that have allowed such projected degradation onto others in seemingly ‘unimportant points, ‘ which can define actual spitefulness and separation if such fawning goes ‘unnoticed’ and deliberately ignored due to considering it as ‘irrelevant,’ while in fact it is as relevant as can be, because it is a constant point that we participate in wherein we make sure that we support all that supports life, without placing any point of preference above principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression in fear of being seen as toadyish toward others in means of recognition through association, which is simply existing in my mind as a limitation to not openly like and share and express the recognition toward a point that is supportive for life, because I have created my own limitations according to what I can ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ which is only a mind-creation that stands as the very separation of ourselves when opting out for judgment instead of an open integration of self as an equal to others and others’ expressions/ words/ work/ deeds that can be placed as an example toward more people and in that in fact support a world that is living by the law of neighborism wherein what’s best for all is unconditionally given and received as we know that the benefit is for all equally.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be constantly judging people as being pleasing and cowering toward others in positions of authority in means of approval, which I had judged as subservient/ bootlicking and obvious display of manipulation,  without realizing that I have also lived by seeking recognition and wanting to be pleasing in order to, for example, keep another ‘happy’ by my side in a relationship, which is no different to accepting any form of hierarchy/ authority in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever cower toward another and simply submitting to orders without questioning it out of fear, which means that I have only projected my won judgment to what I accepted and allowed myself to live by throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a mirroring effect whenever I would perceive and judge someone’s expression as fawning and subservient toward myself, wherein I would agree to such flattery situation out of convenience as it implies keeping relationships of self-interest and social relationships in place, which means that such attitude is accepted and ‘liked’ in a general way due to its fake display of empathy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as smarmy when being fawning others in what I perceive and have judged as simply seeking attention and acceptance through others, without realizing that these judgments only exist as part of the nasty backchat that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as , which reveals who I am as the eternal judge in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to compromise my expression in means of pleasing/ being liked/ being wanted by others through presenting an image of myself that could most likely be praised as I knew that it would then highlight my ego and make me ‘feel better about myself’ through others’ words/ recognition.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fawning as something loathsome and self-deprecating wherein I deem that the person that is ‘fawning’ is placing themselves as inferior to that someone that they are praising, when in fact fawning can only exist if I allow myself to give continuation to judgments toward others’ expressions as either good/ bad and positive and negative.

 

 

When and as I see myself judging others as apparently being fawning something/ someone – I stop and I breathe.- I realize that such perception over reality is only my own judgments imposed onto others as me being able to judge place them in an ‘inferiority’ position, because of being willing to recognize another’s words, deeds, work, without realizing that life has not placed preference upon any point in creation – it’s only been ourselves that sought to ‘become more’ through obtaining words of self-glorification from others as a point of motivation to ‘keep going,’ instead of being unconditional my movement within reality.

 

I realize that within me having participated in judging others as ‘fawning,’ as dishonest and phony within their expression in means of seeking approval through praising others, I am only revealing what I have lived by in seeking recognition myself, in which I have lead myself to exist as the constant judge in my head that places separation upon others to then ‘devalue’ them in my mind;  this without realizing how  I’ve practiced the elitist preferences and likes as a way to see people as either genuine or phony in their appraisal toward others.

 

I see, realize and understand that I must make sure that we in fact start looking at ourselves as physical bodies that we can unite forces-with in order to create what’s best for all, wherein rivalry and potential antagonism – promoted as competition in means of development – is exposed as a means that has money as a background to continue in such mental value-schemes that separate ourselves from who we are as life.   I see, realize and understand that the only way to stop me from existing as these thoughts is through realizing that all points of even the minutest separation imply that I am not here breathing and unconditionally supporting myself and others as life,  but that I am  still existing as the very point of monetization toward reality as the power games developed when recognizing, praising another’s expression in means of ego.

 

Within this I realize that I am able to transform the usual egotistical seeking of recognition into an equal and one Self-recognition as Life in application, wherein we support all beings equally, regardless of whatever idea, belief and perception we may have about others in our reality.

The Equal Money System is the solution to stop this silent acceptance and allowance of different values as backchat projected onto others, that we have made our current world system that thrives on competition, backstabbing and deliberate means of degrading others to uplift oneself, as the deception that has become the result of having defined  ‘who we are’ as mind drones live in a constant fight for survival, to be ‘more’/ ‘remaining special,’ keeping ourselves occupied within our mind, instead of becoming an actual proof of how it is possible to live as equals wherein all judgments cease to  exist and only unconditional self-support as the equal recognition of a living expression in equality remains.

 

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have abdicated my directive responsibility and action, breath by breath, to energy – by creating automated, energetic, justified, conscious actions to represent me as breath, using the energy as motivation and reason for movement without any actual awareness present, breath by breath – to check what I am accepting and allowing to be created by energy on Earth. Because I have not checked all breath by breath actions and the consequences: even though the consequences clearly show that Life has been replaced by energy, causing massive global abuse.” Bernard Poolman

 

Humble = humus ‘ground’

 

Blogs:

Day 31: The Secret of Breath

The Chicken or the Egg??? – Part One: DAY 30

 

 

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Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process

 

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Day 30: Artistic Filter

So I write about this today as it came up in chats, writings from other Destonians and also within looking at the influence that art/ artists had on my life that lead me to want to be ‘part of the artworld’ in one way or another. This will be specifically directed to look at the values that I imprinted on people related to this ‘realm’ while I was growing up as a child, and being mostly influenced by musicians, which is a point that I have written about before – however this is now within the understanding of the special-values and ‘special place’ I’ve given to art within my world as something that ‘captured’ my attention in such a way that music/ art became ‘my world of wonders’ and day dreaming wherein the world was reduced to a single ‘idea’ separated from myself wherein I apparently ‘had nothing to do with/ was none of my business,’ which implies that it became ‘my point of separation’ from the world and ‘the interest’ in my life that I had not considered could be aligned to be a what’s best for all activity in my reality, but where I only sought recognition, self fulfillment and having a ‘great life’ while ignoring the actual conditions of this world while seeking to live out ‘my dreams’ in this lifetime, which certainly didn’t include considering what’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from a part of my reality that I have considered as ‘art’ which I have placed as more valuable than other things/ other people around me in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance to write about art because I have justified a lifetime of personal satisfaction, pleasure, escapism and perceived personal specialness when it comes to art, art works, music and artists themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to idolize people that create art, that are denominated as ‘artists’/ musicians which I have equated to being ‘more valuable beings’ in reality and separating people according to being artists/ being non-artists in my mind, wherein  I ‘make up my mind’ about them and ‘who they are’ accordingly, which is a prejudice that has become an automated perception of specialness as an aura that I sought to ‘have’ myself as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pursue an artistic career within the starting point of equating my life to those that apparently had a ‘great life’ of freedom and joy and expression which I have separated from myself the moment that I decided to become a character in reality, instead of considering that all characters are equally determined by a predisposition to only satisfy one’s needs and desires, which implies that everything that I’ve become has been equal to any other being that pursues happiness while disregarding everything implied to make of such ‘pursuit of happiness’ a reality, which can only exist upon abuse as there is no equality in such pursuit of happiness within this world at the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own wall street mind wherein everything and everyone that had to do with ‘art’ I placed more value on, considered as superior as ‘special beings’ without realizing that I only did this to justify my own pursuit of being equal to such greatness wherein everything that had to do with becoming a solution to this world was candidly side viewed by taking an opposition to the system and becoming then the walking-neglect toward reality, as the tangible and physical world that I stopped looking at because I saw myself as ‘insignificant’ to make a change in it, without realizing that this was only because I sought to do things ‘by myself’ instead of taking the time and effort to establish myself as an individual within the collective to create actual change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify aloofness, craziness, rebellion, antagonism, general disregard of reality when it comes to hearing artists and their perspectives on reality, wherein I filter their expression through the ‘artistic filter’ that I’ve created as ‘special values’ wherein I appraise someone’s expression according to the value that I have given to art, musical and verbal expression in what I have deemed as ‘artistic expression,’ which are labels that I have used in my mind in order to justify the ‘eccentric nature’ that I have deemed artists/ musicians to be, wherein my fascination for all things art tend to override my common sense, within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still hold ‘art’ and ‘artistic expression’ as something ‘special’ and ‘unique’ within my mind toward people and parts of my reality, wherein I occupy myself as my mind and take myself for a ride to ‘escape from reality’ as in not being aware of myself, here breathing, wherein for a moment I lose all perspective of myself and everything that exists is me getting an experience/ seeking a positive experience from watching artists performing, speaking, looking at photographs, pictures, paintings, drawings, lyrics and anything that I have used to feed a personal special consideration toward a part of reality that I have separated from everything else – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place special value to any form of entertainment that I decided I would dedicate my life to, without ever realizing that within this I was opting to become that very dissociation from what is here by following my dreams, preferences, happiness wherein any other career choice was overlooked and dismissed because I followed my desires and what I grew up  with as music, entertainment, arts – because it seemed like a ‘pure thing’ to do, be and become as way to ‘be in this world’ but ‘not of this world,’ as an antagonism that I sought to become.

 

Today we have millions of people considering themselves as artists wherein in fact, we all have an equal ability to express ourselves regardless of considering it as ‘art’ or not, it is a point of expression that I see and realize I am able to stand one and equal to, wherein I no longer hold a special value to a part of reality that I have compartmentalized, categorized into a ‘special place’ in my mind as something that is ‘more valuable’ than the rest of my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give ‘more value’ to a person whenever I get to know that they are involved in any artistic endeavor, which reveals that I have lived by these rules/ value schemes in my mind without ever having taken a moment to see how I lived such inferiority toward people that I deemed as ‘idols’ and that I looked up to because of them representing the idea of liberation, freedom of expression and an apparent great life which lead me to want to experience the same in my life by becoming ‘an artist’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I wasn’t pursuing my happiness with becoming an artist in the usual ambitious and greedy way that I would criticize, but because it was about art – writing, music, painting, etc. – I would deem it as a ‘purer way’ to make a living and live a life that wasn’t as ‘tainted’ as anyone else’s that I perceived as ‘blatantly capitalist’ constantly seeking for money, power, fame, recognition in whatever area of reality they would work in, without realizing that the actual core of the motivation to become an artist did include all of the above in a secretive manner.

 

I realize that within this mechanism of separating ‘the art world’ from the ‘rest of the world,’ I created a major division in my reality that comes up as an immediate preference toward anyone that holds the label of being artist, musician and anyone else within the artworld, wherein it becomes very obvious that preferences are created, becoming the very continuation of the separation that we have lived as within our world, wherein we all separate ourselves into various ‘cults’ of personalities and preferences in order to always have something to define us by as a ‘group,’ which in this case is art, artistic expression, art and music expression, which is an area of this reality that is no different to any other activity. I have only been the one that has created this automated divide wherein ‘who I am’ toward people varies according to them being related to ‘the art world’ or not.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever want to ‘be an artist’ to keep myself within the realm of reality that I considered as ‘more innocent’ and ‘less ambitious’ yet absolutely ‘special’ as a unique activity that is considered as a ‘profession ’ wherein I became my very own limitation within thinking that I could only relate myself to people that could be in ‘the same wavelength’ as myself within wearing the ‘artistic personality suit,’ and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate and consider a being’s expression as ‘more valuable’ and ‘special’ when it came to realizing/ knowing that they are related to ‘art’ and being ‘artists,’ when in fact it is no different to any other realm of reality wherein groups define and value each other according to a set of preferences upon an aspect of reality, creating separation from the whole in a ‘socially acceptable manner’ wherein any act/ doing that is labeled as ‘art,’ is justified and seen through a special ‘filter’ toward reality when claiming it is ‘art,’ which means that an underlying acceptance of ‘anything goes’ and ‘free will’ is exerted in ways wherein even animal abuse, personal abuse, sexual objectification of humans is ‘okay’ because ‘it is art.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never expose the actual conflict that I would get when realizing what was being done with reality in the name of ‘art,’ because I had chosen to be a part of that world and within that, perceiving that I could not sabotage my own little charming world as a special niche that I wanted to preserve in my life, wherein I could still have an apparent ‘momentary escapism’ from reality; when in fact art is simply an expression that reflects our ‘nature’ as human beings and within that, it is no more or less than any other living expression that is equally here in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to defend acts of either violence, boycotts, riots, anger, madness, random destruction, vandalism, harming living beings, self-harm, physical deprivation in the name of art, wherein I would see such beings as heroes in my mind and anti-heroes when it came to the usual idea of ‘heroes’ in our society, which would make an ‘artist’ as someone even ‘more special’ for having dared to challenge reality in the name of ‘their expression’ as a symbol of what I deemed as ‘freedom.’

 

I realize that within this I would immediately justify any attitude, expression and creation because it is art. And within that it is no different to saying that the laws are not questionable because ‘god created them.’ In this

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ponder artists as semi-gods that were apparently ‘god’s special creators’ to reveal some form of transcendental ‘truth’ to humanity that I wanted to be a part of, because it would make me feel good to be a part of the ‘special people’ in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have countless hours of self-talk/ conversations wherein I would hear myself talking about ‘my work of art’ and imagining how it would be to explain yourself and get all the flowers and recognition – when in fact in reality it is no different to talking to any other person about what they are living in their mind and just throwing out an entire personality that is assessed within the social conglomerate wherein ‘I rate’ who that person is according to their ‘talents,’ which is only preprogrammed traits that we have used to separate ourselves wherein we define who we are according to what we do as having a specific ‘talent,’ when in fact it is all about self definitions, self image and self-acceptance that is projected onto others to get enough positive energy from them as a confirmation that we are apparently special/ doing great/ while in reality, we are no different to any other being playing the fame game and seeking self-glorification.

 

I commit myself to expose how within the labels that we become and embody as ‘who we are’ in our mind has come to determine ‘what we do’ wherein such actions, thoughts, deeds override any point of common sense and consideration of what’s best for all when only caring about satisfying my personal needs, interests, likes, preferences that are Not aligned to what is best for all.

 

I commit myself to reveal how we have become our very own stock market within creating special values/ special placements toward people/ things/ reality in separation of who we are as one and equal in the name of keeping our little piece of heaven intact as a resort to escape from reality to not actively become part of the necessary change that is required in this world.

 

I commit myself to stand up as life as what is best for all wherein who I am as that decision determines what I do – and who I am is not defined by what I do but simply walk the necessary process to make sure that I live as the realization of what must be done in this reality to finally be able to express and live a real meaningful life that is not determined by/ based on the current ‘spheres’ of reality that are in fact cults of self interest that have not united for the sake of creating a world that’s best for all, but have only united by common selfish interests that disregard at all times the very breath that keeps us pursuing such pointless personal dreams of self-glorification and satisfaction that can only exist if someone else is abused in this reality, due to how everything ‘positive’ is equal to money and money exists as the very cause of separation in this world. 

 

I commit myself to live the decision that I’ve taken to walk the necessary doings and directing myself in my world to stand in a position where I can support myself and others to realize who we really are as life and the practical living actions that must be done in order to support each other to finally learn how to Live – and once that is done, self expression as art can emerge as an inherent living reality wherein no more ‘art worlds’ will exist in separation of life, but life itself will become the ultimate expression of life which is then everything that I ever sought to be within ‘art’ –  We can give this to ourselves within this lifetime, walking the necessary process of Self-Honesty to realize: we are here, we are the solution we ever sought and we have this life to make it count for all as equals.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System 

 

I stop being the wonderer in life and commit myself to practical feasible solutions wherein who I am as the decision to bring about a world that’s best for all determines what I do.

 

Blogs

• Day 30: The Misadventures of a Self-Righteous Hobo

• Day 30: The Decision

• Day 29: The Invisible Invincible

• Is the Sun God?: DAY 29

• 2012 How Deep is your Low? The Bitter ends of a merry-go-round lifestyle

•  

Recommended Interview to understand the process we’re walking here:

Reptilians – Why do Relationships Exist – Part 35

Why the Money-System does not Care about Life

And on art/ music/ activism:

Life Review – Seeing the Good when only the Bad Prevails

Day 29: Bite Back for More

A way to see backbite is when talking/ thinking/ using another person as a way to create ideas, beliefs perceptions as thoughts that become ‘the flavor of the week’ in our minds, in order to make ourselves ‘feel’ something that we have defined as ‘good/ positive/ fulfilling’– how? When and while we keep ourselves busy thinking about someone/ something, we are giving away all our attention and focus to generate thoughts – and even feelings/ emotions – toward something/ someone that we are essentially using to occupy our minds while they are Not in fact HERE in our physical immediacy. In other words: backchatting/ fantasizing about others to entertain ourselves.

 

So in terms of backbite only talking maliciously or ‘unkindly’ about someone that is absent, can also mean being thinking about someone and using that someone as a crutch to create experiences within ourselves for the sake of our own satisfaction. Yes, as crude as it sounds when placed in such a way, this is what the usual ‘Thinking of you’ type of attitude manifests to the point where obsessions escalate until it becomes an absolute possession as uncountable breaths are entirely disregarded to keep up such energetic thrill going on, and all that remains is then a tremendous hangover once that we realize what the hell have we actually in fact done: using the idea that we have created of someone in our minds in order to generate any form of experience that is either ‘good’/ positive or ‘bad’/ negative, which is backchat that we have  become so used-to that stopping it is experienced with withdrawal symptoms, which results in not getting our ‘thrill’ in place -  just like in any other type of addiction.

 

This is why Self Honesty is not nice or beautiful, it’s like stopping sugar. Such instant custom-made gratification that we are able to produce in the confines of our mind is simply ‘too sweet’ to let go of – why? Because it makes us ‘feel’ something- whether it is negative or positive, it’s still a state of mind that will take us from pole to pole to continue existing as that spark that keeps the fire alive as consciousness within ourselves.

Furthermore, we have created such infatuations in our own mind = they are only thoughts/ beliefs/ ideas that we have allowed ourselves to generate and create further experiences about – it’s never about ‘them,’ it’s always about each one of us that creates the mindfuck.

 

Needless to say, this type of thinking and behavior is commonly accepted and encouraged in our reality – it is seen as harmless/inoffensive without realizing that the only consequence is and must be faced by the creator of such backbite, which is each one of us that have used the idea/ belief and image of another for the sake of creating a certain experience within ourselves, which in this case will be with regards to making myself feel ‘good’ about ‘me’ through using others as a crutch to sustain that positive experience. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce another being to being simply an idea in my mind that I use in order to satisfy my own moments while recreating and replaying the idea in my mind as something that ‘I enjoy,’ which is recognizing that words, pictures, images are able to possess me into the point of infatuation, wherein all obsessions are fed with words, pictures, thoughts that I then give enough power to in order to continue existing in such a ‘thrill’ in my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what which I am ‘fantasizing’ about has in no way any possible real, direct correlation of the actual reality of the subject matter, as it is all created in my own mind for the sake of generating a momentary satisfaction that takes me from my state of seeking ‘something’ to entertain myself with wherein a point is created through giving it constant and continuous attention, building up enough energy as backchat/ thoughts and in that, start experiencing this positive experience wherein because this energy overrides common sense, I  lose my ground and eventually stop focusing on breathing and give myself into thinking/ fantasizing/ day dreaming, which is using thoughts as a crutch for a positive experience about something/ someone – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get to a point of excitement through constantly feeding the idea about something/ someone that is effectively creating a positive experience within myself, wherein then such point requires regular attention and in that, losing my own physical awareness of being here, breathing and directing myself in my physical reality which requires no energy for me to continue existing as all that I am is the physical body grounding myself to physical activities that don’t require for a constant energetic experience for me to move.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and generate thoughts about another as a trigger point to generate a ‘good feeling’ within me wherein I give my power away as in using my physical body to carry the consequences of me having lived a life of seeking the next greatest excitement, without being actually aware of what is it that I am in fact consuming while existing in such mind-projections, which is always self as substance, as life being used and abused for the sake of my own personal entertainment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now see how deluded and abusive it is to hold thoughts as a crutch to create an experience within us, wherein I was making the statement: ‘this physical reality is not enough for me to think that I am alive’ – and in that, disregarding the very breath that I take to generate such a life-degrading thought that can only exist when and due to me having defined ‘who I am’ as energy, as a personality that seeks to be constantly reinforced through ‘triggers’ from ‘the outside world,’ to keep existing as a the ‘I feel/ I think’ human that is only defined as an energetic experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce who I am of/as substance of equality and oneness into a single idea/ belief of myself as a certain energized set of characteristics that seek out for words/characters/pictures to generate enough backchat that is accumulated until the positive experience as self-created reward is experienced to the point of instant ‘satisfaction,’ until the experience runs out again as any other energetic experience, wherein I then proceed to continue ‘searching’ for more points to give enough attention to build up as energetic experiences that I can rejoice about, which is only  thought, emotions related.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is actually about another person that I am ‘thinking’ about, which is only the idea that I have created about someone/ something that serves as the ignition point for me to continue generating, thoughts and giving them enough attention to eventually lose myself from being here in the physical an instead, existing as a set of predictable patterns in my own mind that seek to create an energetic feeling such as excitement and curiosity, which lead me to act in a rather rushed and clumsy manner, as I am not here breathing/ walking/ existing only in the physical, but fueling a constant coming an going of thoughts that serve no other purpose than being the necessary wood to keep the initial fire I started alive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it socially acceptable and even promoting it through cultural clutches like songs, movies, pictures, books, images to make it seem perfectly ‘normal’ to have the thought of something/ someone in your mind in order to generate a positive experience within you, which becomes nothing else than a lollipop that we are constantly licking to keep the sugary experience as feelings ‘alive,’ which is then realizing that we have become addicts to our own mind wherein it is never about ‘another’ in fact, but only the relationship formations we’ve created toward a point that we perceive is separate from ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I never stopped for a moment to question why I had to have the thought of something/ someone as a constant and continuous thought pattern that I would be constantly fueling and generating an energetic experience about it while having no actual physical interaction or living-out of the point in reality, which implies that I gave myself away completely to exist as a set of thoughts to fuel an experience that can only exist if I consume me of/as substance and transform such unconditional life that I take into essentially mind garbage that keeps my ego in place, that keeps me preoccupied with useless bullshit that has no direct correlation to my physical reality in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others by reducing them to be simply ‘thoughts in my head,’ which reveals to what extent we have never in fact had an actual relationship with others as we have only always communicated to our own minds as personalities and pictures that we form judgments/ ideas upon, which implies that we become the actual separators from equality when abdicating the physicality as the only reality that exists in equality, and accepting separation as mind definitions of ‘who we are’ as personalities toward one another, which is all that we have ever believed ourselves to be: a person/ personality that interacts with other persons/ personalities that ‘get along well’ because of ‘being similar’ and in that, continue the propagation of sectarianism in society wherein all that we identify ourselves with is ideas, pictures, thoughts, experiences instead of standing one and equal to that which is real and requires no differentiation/ specialized set of attributes as thoughts/ opinions/ beliefs to exist.

 

I see, realize and understand that the only point that I can trust is myself here breathing, that is the physical confirmation that I am here and that everything that I can do is direct my thoughts so that I can stand one and equal as the physical, as the mind, as the thoughts in conjunction to the immediate physical reality wherein no mind-energy is required to move, only physical energy that I consume to support me to move/ walk/ live/ direct myself in physical reality.

 

I see, realize and understand that it is only through me stopping this constant pattern of having to create a nice idea about someone in my head to make me ‘feel’ something that is generally ‘good,’ I am only fuelling my own tendency as a mind system to keep itself occupied taking all the energy from the physical and transforming it into fuel to generate an experience about that which has no physical-correlation to my reality at the moment, that which I don’t require to constantly ‘feed’ to continue existing.

 

I commit myself to stop using thoughts, pictures, imagination and ideas that I can create/ generate about something/ someone in my reality that I use as a crutch to create a positive experience within me, which eventually reaches its peak and must die, leaving a desire to re-experience, re-charge the same thought with ‘new inputs’ to keep the same energetic experience going, which is how I realize that it’s never about an actual person/ place/ event but only the very thoughts I create and eventually manifest as obsessions that are kept alive by myself only. This is how I take self responsibility to ensure that such Self-Interest system is stopped within me, as thoughts created to generate a ‘good experience’ is the basic existence to create a world wherein abuse is perpetuated in the name of such ‘good experiences.’

 

I commit myself to expose how that which is culturally accepted and promoted as infatuation and feeding our obsessions is only linked to the energetic-addictive system that we have all agreed to participate in the moment that we diminished ourselves to a single Idea of self that is fundamentally ‘flawed’ and ‘incomplete’ which is the state by ‘default’ that we have lived as a negative experience that seeks to get to a point of positive experience through using thoughts as a way to push the necessary personalized buttons and create energy to get to such climatic positive energy, which it wanes and decays only to get back to ‘where we started,’ which indicates that a new point/ relationship formation in my mind is created and fueled in order for me to get the most of it while I can.

 

I commit myself to expose how the nature of relationships can only exist as conflict and separation, as this is how we have accepted and allowed ourselves to ‘live’ as programs that are constantly seeking a positive energetic experience because of having diminished ‘who we are’ to a single personality that seeks recognition/ validation/ acceptance from other personalities equally ‘flawed’ to then become dependent on each other as energetic crutches wherein relationships become wells for energy to be sucked and sipped until it is dry and the next well is sought to continue the idea of life/ living going.

I’m the fire starter and I can only be the one that Puts the Fire Out

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Destonians 

Journey To Life 

 

Agreements: Re-Defining Relationships

 

Blogs:

• The Forward March to HELL: DAY 28

• Day 28: I FOR GIVE ME

Interviews that explain the nature of relationships as points of self-separation and degradation of life into a single experience in our minds – the why, how, when, who and what for is here:

• Reptilians – Relationships as Illusion of Control – Part 24

• Reptilians – Why Energy exists in the Mind and Physical – part 30

• What is Sex – When all Relationships become Sexualized – Part 16

• Fight to the Death for Energy and Money

• Atlanteans – How we became the Mind’s Foundation – Part 31

• Reptilians – The Mind as the Spider’s Web – Part 33

• Life Review – Facing Gossip

Day 28: I’m Always Right

The cycle of generating some form of conflict  and friction in our reality to then create and formulate ways to get ourselves out of it into a positive experience is the only way that we can be constantly accumulating these ‘pats of god’ (or god spats lol)  to temporarily satiate our constant yearn to be ‘fulfilled/ happy/ productive’ and yes, creating a sense of comfort out of that initial self-created beaten and won war against, well essentially only ourselves.

Self Righteous was my ‘flavor’ when it came to living out such pattern, and I am dead honest that I had not realized this until it was pointed out in my face while being at the farm and talking the point of ‘my way’ out, wherein I had deemed that my perceived ‘positive attributes’ didn’t have to be self-forgiven/ corrected, without realizing how they were in fact only generated out of the point that I now understand with more clarity: we birth ourselves as conflict that seeks the eternal completion/ fulfillment/ satisfaction as that positive experience that we have to constantly feed/ upkeep as an elusive ‘state of being’ that has lead us to co-create the current world system where ‘all your dreams can come true’ if you have enough millions in the hole-on-wall and enough needy people to do ‘whatever they can for you’ in exchange of some of your cake’s crumbs.

So – this constant desire to always be ‘right,’ of always having the ‘ultimate say’ becomes a ‘desire-to-always-win’ pattern wherein any window of opportunity is used to outshine and blind with lights of ‘I know it all’ wherein the more we believe we are ‘right,’ the harder it gets to turn off the light  – why? because all things related to instant gratification are easily consumed. It’s like offering a candy or a vegetable to a ‘regular’ person – they would mostly go for the candy because it creates a nice fluffy feeling, whereas the vegetable is cool for your digestive tract – yet it doesn’t recreate, instigate or enhance any feeling that makes us feel a little piece of heaven for a moment, only running out as the effect of any drug that we then seek to come back for more. The fact that we have equated ‘winning’ to ‘living’ is another one of those capitalistic logical statements that we have adopted as ‘our life’ – and within this, we have accepted ourselves to become our very own dictators of what is right/ wrong, good/ bad in our reality. We all run our own Wall Street in our mind and somehow we always manage to make the algorithms work on our favor – no different to how money runs (or is created out of thin air) in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fault in people, things, places, events in order to have the ‘ultimate say’ about it wherein in my mind, I either have to humbly accept that something is ‘cool’ and ‘alright’ or I get the most juice of it all by claiming that ‘it’s wrong, it’s not good enough, it’s flawed’ which proves that I only get the most winning-experience when in my mind I am able to find enough fault/ mistakes that I can judge in order to then correct them within my own mind and in that believe that ‘I can do/ be better than that, my idea was better’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I always get the most of the cake/ the most positive reward whenever I am able to prove something/ someone wrong and in that, build my ego up based on ‘finding fault in another,’ wherein such projection can only exist if I seek to prove myself right according to what I ‘believe,’ and ‘what I am’ as an idea in my mind, because I see and realize that in physicality, we are all one and equal – bones, cells, tissue, organs, flesh don’t require to prove something or someone wrong or right in order to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always place myself in my mind above others, wherein no matter what is being said, I cringe whenever there is something that I must admit is ‘right’ and in that, believe that I am ‘diminishing’ myself because of agreeing with another’s words/ statements, wherein because I didn’t get to ‘prove them wrong,’ I am left with my initial state of only seeking to make myself feel ‘more’ and ‘better’ based on placing myself ‘on top’ of others, which can only be a mental masturbation in my mind wherein my ‘success’ is stemming from bashing/ proving others wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very judge of everything and everyone in means of seeking ways to always make myself feel better about it all, which implies that I seek to ‘out do’ someone, ‘become better’ based on excelling in comparison to others, wherein I then live a life of constant and continuous strife to ‘always be right,’ because ‘being right’ has become the very definition of how I see myself, who I believe myself to be, because that’s the way that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worthy/ be acceptable/ be important toward others – in this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life not for myself but as a constant comparison and projected judgment onto others, without realizing that within this very mechanism of me always ‘being right,’ I am in fact fearing and avoiding ‘being wrong’ at all cost, which implies that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘diminish’ who I am as an idea – which is the only thing that can diminish of myself – when realizing that I was in fact ‘wrong’ within a particular circumstance wherein such experience is felt as a failure, as a ‘loss’ which is what generates envy and jealousy whenever we project such loss as an experience toward others that ‘got it right,’ and in that, create an entire antagonism based on only ‘me’ as my ego wanting to continue ‘winning’ all the time, wherein anyone that gets to be on the same/ similar position is seen as an enemy/ threat to who I am as the ego that is always right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very power-game that fuels the idea of myself in this immaculate self-righteous person that suffers and goes into the negative and self-deprecating person if that initial desire and projection as a ‘winner’ is not fulfilled wherein then I step down of the hill all the way down and below sea level, wherein I in fact remain ‘out of competition’ because of perceiving that ‘If I could not do it my way, then fuck it, I won’t play the game any more’, which is the usual way of victimizing myself wherein

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a victimized state that also requires to be kept ‘alive’ by me deliberately denying that I am capable/ able to direct myself effectively and believing that because I didn’t ‘get it right’ the first time, I just rather pass-on the point/ work/ assignment onto others that ‘have proven to do it right, ‘ which is not an unconditional move but an actual victimized state masked with ‘understanding, ‘which is stemming from the spiteful nature toward ourselves when not getting our immediate ‘fix’ of feeling ‘great’ for ‘always being right’ about something/ someone/ event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposite polarity of believing that ‘I always fail at this/ I always get it wrong’ which also gets an energetic kick as an experience whenever another can confirm and commiserate to my own victimization, wherein them agreeing that I am in fact ‘fucked up,’ makes me – absurdly so – feel better, because I was able to get a confirmation from another of what I created for myself as ‘being wrong,’ which in a twisted energetic game becomes a ‘positive experience’ because I got seconded by another in my own mental delusion, proving in my mind that ‘I was right,’ which becomes then a perceived ‘fine’ experience in stagnant self-wrongness that eventually makes us feel ‘good’ as well, because we get the confirmation by others that ‘that’s who I am/ that’s ‘my nature’ and that’s what ‘I deal with,’ yet without the actual understanding of how I created such patterns for myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only become a person of ‘good reputation’ when considering that all acts of such self-seeking positive nature support the maintenance of the money system running as the consequence of this desire to only win. Instead I see that any disagreement toward a point of common sense, can only allow myself to reflect within me ‘who am I’ while reading others’ blogs/ sharings and in that, see if I am trying to prove something wrong/ right when and while reading others words.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was born out of conflict and in that, becoming Self-Righteous means that I get my satisfaction from being appraised as ‘always right,’ which is what then gets me out of my initial self-perception of being wrong and seeking to ‘be right’ wherein through obtaining the positive feedback, I build the conceptual confidence and stability based on compliments/ words/ perceptions that I believe is ‘who I am,’ therefore perceiving it as a way of accepting ‘who I am’ as ‘always being right’ at the eyes of others, creating me a flattery experience – without realizing that I am the only one that has structured this ‘rewarding game, ‘ wherein others’ expression is fitted into my own rules of the game to make them useful to fulfill my own created patterns of winning, losing, being recognized, being wronged by others, in that scheming my own inner conflict through positive and negative feedback that I have accepted and allowed to define ‘who I am.’

I realize that I have always only played all of these games in secret, within my mind wherein there is no ‘others eyes’ as judgments other than the thoughts that I constructed within myself at all times. This is then debunking the constant participation within the permanent comparison toward others to assess ‘where am I in relation to others,’ which can only exist within me existing as a value that can be more or less than others, which is ludicrous and can only be ‘real’ as the idea of self – never as who I really am as one and equal as life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I in fact fear to self forgive is my ability to continue existing as a self-righteous person because in that, ‘who I am’ is exposed and mined wherein all that is left for me is to live without being a constant energy seeking machine to be ‘right’ at all times, but instead simply direct myself within the consideration of what’s best for all, wherein I am able to express in a self-directive manner wherein I ensure no backchat as comparison/ judgments/ self righteousness is being the starting point of my participation.

When and as I see myself assessing others using my right-o-meter as the mental ever-present judge that I’ve become, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all that I am ‘assessing’ is in fact my own mind, projecting judgments onto other which eventually  affect and disrate how I view others – in my mind – and in that be the point that hears/ sees within common sense wherein I allow myself to stand as the correction and then simply externalize it/ communicating, which is then being a supportive point to establish equal-relationships wherein no more competition, rivalry and judgment onto others as right or wrong is perpetuated.

I commit myself to stop the mechanism of me wanting to be right all the time in order to accumulate ‘props for my ego,’ wherein who I am and has been cannot be defined as knowledge/ information/ self beliefs to feed on. I move me as an assessment of what’s best for all in the moment, without over complicating the point by having to add ‘extra value’ to it –I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt self-righteousness as my personal religion wherein everything I judge upon others ‘is and must be so’ because in my mind ‘I’m always right,’ which is used as a necessary crutch to cover up the initial uncertainty, mistrust, fear and self judgment that is polarized into a positive-view of reality wherein I make sure that I am always ‘winning’

I commit myself to stop all desires to always win, and in that, give myself back to myself that which I thought I had to ‘prove someone/ something’ wrong to, within this I am able to identify the points that I have separated myself from and in that, assess my application in practicality and living-reality wherein the only law of our being as equality and oneness can be the ultimate say in this reality, not knowledge.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Journey To Life

Blogs:

• The Evolution of Consciousness: DAY 27

• Day 27: Money is the Soldiers of the Mind
• Day 28: I FOR GIVE ME
• Day 13: Becoming Life In A World of Clones

Interview:

• Sunette Spies – My Evil Twin: Sunette explains the manifestation of a parasitical ‘evil twin’ that grew and exists within and as self as a resonant back-chat system.

Vlogs:

• 2012 Stopping Comparison – YouTube

27. It’s always only been me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify everything and everyone I see with my eyes with a particular judgment that will allow me to believe that ‘I know it/ know them’ when in fact, all that I have been always been looking at is only a picture that I define and categorize within my mind according to the value schemes that I have created toward everything/ everyone at a face value, not realizing that everything I see is the reflection of my own mind as judgments, ideas, beliefs or perceptions wherein the moment that I impose this idea/ belief/ judgment onto others, I am becoming my own dictator over reality as I have not even allowed myself to get to know me as my own mind, and I have dared to judge and pretend that I know others just by a single glance at them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to cultivate this idea within me as a child of being apparently able to ‘know what a person is all about’ just by looking at them, when in fact it was just me creating the idea/ belief and perception of such person through my own eyes

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was always ‘right’ when it came to the visual judgments that I would create onto others in order to identify ‘what they’re all about,’ wherein I never realized how I was becoming the very judge, dictator and boundary to actually get to know another, simply because of becoming my own selective-color function, wherein all colors as people/ personalities that I ‘didn’t like,’ I would not bother to talk to/ get to know simply because of deeming them as ‘not compatible’ with myself, which was only following the judgment at a face value of ‘who another is’ which is always only me reflecting my own value-scheme toward everything and everyone as separate from me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an elitist in my own mind wherein I would only be open and friendly toward people that at face value I would deem would be ‘similar to me’ or that I would be able to get along with, simply because of the image that I would perceive them to be, be recorded/ assessed as part of the people that are ‘cool’ and that I would like to communicate with/ get to know, while doing the exact opposite toward people that at face value I would judge as incompatible with myself, not being ‘in the same realm,’ and in that becoming the very separator that fuels the current existence wherein while standing divided in our personal-religions as self-image and constantly projecting judgments onto each other, we become absentees of the physical reality, wherein all that we have cared for is how we look/ how we present ourselves to then try and manipulate ‘how others will see us,’ which is all based in keeping track of my own ego as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, a simply and image.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be perceived as simplistic by how I look, without realizing that in this I am still wanting and expecting to be ‘judged by others,’ instead of simply becoming the point that stops judging myself, creating judgments in my mind and projecting them to everything/ everyone wherein I have been constantly expecting to be judge because  have become the very perpetual judge myself toward me and all that I have deemed is separate from myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint an energetic experience of superiority every time that I could have the ability to judge another for ‘who they are’ and assessing whether I see myself as superior or inferior toward the judgment that I create of the, wherein I would then act accordingly toward them. This implies an automated experience hen being with people, regardless of them being close acquaintances or simply people in public places, which implies that I have become the very judge of my reality in separation of myself for the sake of constantly being assessing me as a certain ‘value’ in comparison to others.

When and as as I see myself assessing others to ponder whether I am ‘more’ or ‘less’ than others according to the judgments I project onto them that actually stem from myself and my mind only – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to stop the judgments in the moment and focus on the physical reality to simply breathe and continue moving/ walking and directing myself in the physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to become angry at people that I would deem as ‘judgmental,’ without realizing that I had become the very epitome of judgment in its full splendor simply because of being able to judge another with the very same application that I was existing as in that very moment, which is the proof that when I am in my mind, I am always justifying my judgments and assessments as ‘acceptable,’ without ever really seeing that I was only playing out the secret judge in order to ‘be in control’ of my environment, seeking to be always ‘guarding’ myself toward potential beings that could be ‘judging myself, which indicates the level of my self-created paranoia toward others beings being constantly judging me, which was always only me judging myself at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever become absolutely freaked out by people staring at me, because of me believing that they were judging me/ lusting at my image when in fact, it was all self-created as an idea that I have created of myself as a picture that can be infinitely judged and lusted upon, which has become an ingrained aspect of constantly ‘guarding myself’ from ‘potential judges’ which are mostly men that I have created a pattern of rejection and arrogance toward whenever I have believed that they are only judging me and lusting over my body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become deliberately hostile, rude, laconic toward beings that I would perceive and believe to be judging me, when in fact I was only hearing to the backchat in my head that eventually would become my experience toward such beings, believing that ‘I was always right’ in thinking that they were judging me, when in fact several times I got to prove myself wrong, giving myself a slap on the face with a white glove, simply because I would then be faced with the remorse and regret of having judged someone based on my own value-schemes, which had prevented me from communicating with the beings. And when I was actually able to communicate with them, I would realize that I had simply been ‘wrong’ and ‘mean’ toward them for no reason, really.

 

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always had to ‘assess a being’ to see  how I would behave toward them, which would be a usual ‘application-mode’ when meeting people such as ‘assessing them in my mind, ‘ to then see ‘what they’re all about,’ and then deciding who I am going to be toward them, wherein I would deliberately camouflage myself to fit the moment/ event/ person/ situation to mirror my own judgments toward such people, which meant that I would be limiting ‘who I am’ to a single judgment/ definition of how I perceive others to be, never realizing that it was Never about ‘them’ but always about me and how I would become the very judgments that I projected onto others, simply because of believing that ‘like attracts like, ‘ and in that manipulate the situation according to a desired outcome of being ‘attractive’ for others or existing as the exact opposite, all in the name of taking my ego for a ride of self-gratification by either adulation or rejection, reducing my life experience to being a constant on and off, in and out, good and bad, happy or dismal, fulfilled or unfulfilled, while always having missed the constancy and consistency that my physical body would grant myself with in every moment that it would endure my constant existence of self-judgment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the game in society wherein according to what you wear, you become a character that is able to get along with similar characters, even when perceiving that I could have a no-image/ no –character simply because of within my mind, existing within this idea that I am the clothes that I wear and that I still want to portray myself in a certain image that can be identified as a particular definition that can suit in other’s minds as someone that looks always the same.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what I wear as a projection of the image-based idea of simplicity, when in fact I am simply caging myself yet into another idea of ‘me being the clothes that I wear,’ because this would apparently allow me to be judged by others as ‘simple/ always looking the same’ according to the clothes that I wear.

 

I realize that the fact that I wear similar clothes simplifies my every day living wherein the focus is on how I experience myself within the clothes that I wear  – if they are physically supportive or not – instead of seeing them as part of the image that I define myself as and how I want to be seen by others, which is still existing as a point of expected judgment according to how others see me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever discriminate/ judge/ diminish people for what I would deem as a hideous attitude when in fact, all that I was judging was myself as a hideous attitude that I would actually become myself the very moment that I would dare to judge another as a ‘hideous person.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a self-righteous person when it came to judging people/ assessing/ profiling others wherein I believed that ‘I as always right,’ which comes from the ingrained belief that I could in fact have some type of ‘gift’ that n no one else had when it came to being able to assess other beings’ life according to being 15 minutes in their house, hearing them speak, move, seeing what they wear, what they own, how they interact with others, wherein I would then create a definitive assessment of ‘who they are/ what they are all about,’ which now that I see, would usually end with perceiving most of the people to be just ‘fake’ and ‘hypocritical’ without realizing that I was the only critic and judge in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sugar coat this automated judgment as ‘constructive criticism’ wherein I believed that through identifying someone’s flaws and strengths I was actually doing something ‘constructive’ in any way whatsoever, without realizing that such judgments can only exist within my own mind according to how I value and asses something/ someone according to my own mind-schemes of values acquired through a particular lifetime experience.

This means that any process of deliberating what is more valuable/ worthy within this reality and what is not, is essentially creating a world of further separation wherein we’ve got lost in categories, values, worth, seeking to be accepted and valuable at the eyes of others, never realizing that any ‘opinion’ or judgment created by another was only stemming from themselves as a reflection of their own mind – which implies that I have only been staring back at me every time that I tried to make a judgment about anything/ anyone.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that by seeing everything in a beautiful manner = I would create beauty and happiness in my world, without realizing that I actually did create such experience not as an actuality, as an inherent property of the world being that of positivity/ beauty/ magnificence – but it only became a self-created projection as a mind-possession wherein in this desperate desire to seek for beauty/ and the experience of being ‘alive,’ I became my own positive-seeking demon, wherein I believed that things would happen to me ‘for a reason’ and that I was being rewarded by some ulterior forces because of being constantly seeking to see the bright side of the world, without ever pondering if I had only simply been the creator of such experiences within my own mind, without any actual manifestation of ‘beauty’ or ‘aliveness’ existing as an actual property of the beingness of  beings/ things in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that every time that I judged someone as hypocrite, it was me existing as hypocrisy staring back at me, as a judgment of my own mind that I created and used to project onto others in a form of superiority as in ‘knowing better’ and believing myself to be ‘not hypocrite’ because ‘I’ was the one that was able to ‘spot’ hypocrisy on others.

I realize that this unnecessary cycle of self judgment can be stopped when and as I see myself looking at another and perceiving them as ‘hypocrite’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only reflecting my own mind at another and that obstructs my ability to communicate and interact with another without any preconceived idea of ‘who they are’ based on ‘what they look like.’

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that every time that I perceived and judged another as ‘hostile,’ I was in fact simply reflecting my own hostility toward others, wherein I would reflect back that hostility as my own judgment staring back at me – this means that I would become the very judgment that I would project onto others/ or act out the exact opposite, such as deliberately being more friendly/ warm as per personality definition according to the situation I was in.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always become the judgment that I would project onto others in my mind, wherein I would be the actual cause of the perceived ‘communication gone wrong,’ wherein I would create an entire inner experience of being ‘misunderstood,’ without realizing that I had secretly projected a judgment toward another such as being ‘hostile,’ and as a response, I would become hostile myself and ‘shaping it’ into ‘my own personality’ which was that of self-victimization as in ‘being misunderstood’ when communicating with another.

 

When and as I see myself judging another as being hostile toward me – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am simply reflecting back that which I am existing as in the moment of judging another, regardless of the ‘shade of judgment,’ I see, realize and understand that in order to stand one and equal to all and everything, I have to stop any automated judgment to exist within my own mind. I direct myself to continue participating in the physical moment without assessing the event further in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that whenever I judged another as being probably ‘bored’ with me, it was me reflecting back what I was judging myself as in the moment, wherein through projecting my own judgment in my secret mind and not communicating about it, I would become that boredom and fedupness myself, wherein I would then be existing in an energetic possession of ‘boredom’ and ‘dullness’ that would set the tone for the moment when and while being with another, which would cause the entire point of communication to be non existent and into what I had perceived as an uncomfortable silence, while resorting to distract myself with any other picture/ image in my environment to shove away the experience.

 

When and as I see myself projecting the judgment toward others as ‘them being bored with me,’  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am in fact only projecting that which I am judging myself for, wherein through a process of becoming such judgment, I have in fact been the creator of my experience toward others, without having ever taken responsibility for it and instead, remain in the usual self-victimized state wherein I could remain secretly blaming another for what I would experience within me as a result of my own mind projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use what I see as a vice of self-judgment, wherein I believed that I had the ability to judge what is good/ bad, beautiful/ ugly, magnificent/ hideous and in that, becoming my own dictator that would create my experience toward everything/ everyone according to How I have judged others/ everything ‘outside of myself,’ instead of realizing that I am able to stand one and equal toward everything/ everyone by stopping all judgments and focusing on the physical reality that I am participating in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the image I see of myself in the mirror, which is only a reflection at a mind level of who I really am

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the image that I see on the mirror believing that an image is all that I exist as, when in fact this is what I have accepted and allowed everyone and everything else to be diminished to within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as a set of preferences according to the pictures I see in reality, diminishing my beingness here in the moment of breath to become a single definition of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, now that I see and realize that everything that I have always perceived/ judged and defined ‘others/everything’ outside of myself has only been me defining myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my believed ability to see another being’s nature by looking at them in one glance was only me looking at myself as my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that by me ‘judging people first’ before ‘them,’ I would take a certain advantage toward others wherein ‘I’ could be ahead of them/ superior to them/ faster than them in being able to judge myself – within this I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to believe me to be faster/ more ‘aware’ of people and the environment wherein I would be immediately assessing ‘who I would be’ according to how I had judged the person, the place, the environment, the situation in order for me to achieve the expected outcome, wherein ‘I’ could always win and get things done the way that I wanted.

 

I realize that I have only been always looking back at me, which implies that for me to be able to stand one and equal as my mind, as everyone and everything else, I must stop existing as a constant judge within my mind, wherein I make sure that I become the point that stops all values, assessments, perceptions that create further separation from myself being able to exist here as the constancy and consistency of the physical which doesn’t require to be judged in order to exist.

 

I commit myself to continue stopping any automated judgments onto people in order to be able to walk here in the world wherein no judgment as thought, energetic experience toward anything/ anyone is created which would indicate that I simply shifted into my mind to ‘think’ about reality/ the situation instead of simply living it.

 

I commit myself to stop believing that I have any special ability to assess people and ‘know them’ without even talking to them, just by face value, which I deemed as a ‘positive trait’ within me, without realizing that such characteristic is as flimsy as any other belief that I know and realize are not real, and that I have only been the creator of myself as this secret judge at all times, wherein I believe that ‘how I see people,’ is ‘who the are,’ in that in fact only becoming someone that fears being judged because of  me having existed as this constant judge myself toward me and everyone, now realizing that it’s always been me.

 

I commit myself to take back to self any judgment that I do see emerges in the moment to get to see how I created it and  practically walk it through writing, applying self-forgiveness for accepting and allowing such point of separation to exist within me and walk the necessary correction according to the realization that in order for me to stand here as one and equal, no point of judgment as separation can exist, for I don’t require to judge to breathe.

 

Share with us at the Desteni Forum and walk the process of ‘Man know thyself’ to eventually stop existing as knowledge and become the living word.

 

 

Interviews:

• Atlanteans – How we became the Mind’s Foundation – Part 31

• Life Review – My Life of Losing Relationships

 

Blogs:

• Is the Mind MATTER? – Part One: DAY 26

• Day 26: Grey Matter Invasion – EARTH OCCUPIED

VLog:

• 2012: 7 Year Process – Stopping Judgements – YouTube

 

Check out Joao Jesus’ song: Who am I? and smooth your life for a moment.

Day 26: Captive in My Own Cage

 

While listening to the latest chapters of the  Atlanteans’ series wherein the entire process of being being ‘imprisoned’ is explained in detail, I could see that my reactions to this energetic caging and enslavement were like physical experiences of slight chest constrictions and a general sense of regret mixed with powerlessness, as I explained yesterday.

I can see how the word ‘captive’ depicts the associations that I created of myself within such experience, which is what I felt like and fed through various thoughts that were part of the crutches that I would use as an excuse to pursue spirituality, seeing my body as a cage believing that who I really was is some spiritual being trapped in this body, this vessel – yet the point that we got to understand today is how there is no-part of me to oppose, neglect or dispose here, it is about an actual integration of who I really am as one and equal within what would be popularly identified as the mind, body and spirit – however this is understood as: the mind, the physical body and consciousness as the trinity that we’ve become wherein the equalization of all three points implies me walking myself back to self through occupying my mind, body and understanding how I created myself as consciousness to only later on, get to the point of birthing self as life which is only a possibility once that we walk ourselves backwards.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a captive, as a prisoner and exist within a perceived victimization from what I accepted and allowed as a process of being captivated in order to become who and what we are today as human beings, without being able to remember why I had lived in such an internal conflict within feeling like a prisoner in my own body, without realizing that I haven’t actually ever occupied my body in its totality – therefore, how could I deem it as a cage if I am not even aware of the internal processes it functions as?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to an experience within the mind as an energetic imprisonment which has been the real ‘captivity’ that I have lived within and as, wherein I disregarded the absolute draining of physical matter to keep up my delusions and experiences of alienation from my very physical body, it is unacceptable to say the least what we have done to ourselves, what we accepted and allowed and how a single belief about who we are led us to the consequences we are facing today.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold myself captive of my own thinking processes about what I have accepted and allowed within my life and throughout existence, which means that I created general reactions of irritation and loathe toward everyone wherein ‘my freedom’ was sought in separation of the whole, wherein I thought that I was the only one feeling like imprisoned and limited, being ‘caged’ in my own body, without really understanding how we function as one organism that exists in constant recreation of separation by me using my mind and physical body to elaborate further ways to separate myself from the whole, which is what has led us to ‘upgrade’ our human version into a more distrustful, fearful, jealous, envious being that fears its own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ‘freedom’ with being out of the body- having no body at all – and not having to eat which is what I also have held as a constant experience of enslavement whenever any physical need has to be met, simply because of how I have judged this physical body and design wherein I created an experience toward it. I sought to make myself feel better about it, without realizing that in this very movement to ‘get out of the experience’ I would inevitably stir the waters and create further inner conflict, as I resisted to see and realize that it was simply me creating an energetic experience in my mind that is absolutely separated from the actuality of the physical reality, in this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as my mind, as my physical, as my creation which is my own body and everyone else around me wherein I got to be reluctant to accept myself here, because of not seeing ‘any point in life’ and within that, only fueling the separation that could only exist within my own mind, without any actual physical reference of the body being actually a cage or any other form of confinement that I believed it to be within my own mind, only. I realize that who I am as consciousness could only understand the physical through its narrow and limited ways of understanding the physical reality, which is not a beingness but knowledge only.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that whenever I sought to overcome/ fight an internal conflict, when and while I tried to force my way out of it, I would invariably create further resistance, conflict, friction as separation, which means that any belief of me being ‘over it’ is only a defense mechanism of my own ego to protect the reality that is still here and that must be self-forgiven in order to reintegrate myself back to self, wherein there is nothing to oppose or overcome or grow out of, but instead realizing the separation for the mind-creation that it is and walk the process of reintegrating myself back to self in equality and oneness, where no further conflicts are created as I will have then understood the starting point of me separating myself in friction and conflict as a self-created experience to only generate energy for my mind to continue existing, as part of the ‘maintenance processes’ that I have participated in within the co-creation processes within this reality.

 

I realize that the only solution is for me to unconditionally stop any type of judgment, not only toward the body in itself, but toward this idea of myself having been a captive throughout my existence. This implies that no victimization can be held toward myself/ anyone else. I become the point that stops all mental captivity in reducing myself to being a single idea, a single experience and being ‘held captive’ by my own deliberate participation in such concepts that I gave my power away to in order to regenerate the initial existential conflict created from that initial moment of separation, wherein I accepted an existence of seeking the positive to feel more/ feel better about myself and the idea of self that I accepted and allowed as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience toward the word ‘captive’ which implies that I can only inflict such limitation upon myself through my own participation as it, which is how easy an entire relationship of mind-abuse toward self can be followed/ created by living out a word as an experience, instead of realizing that I can simply self-forgive it and stop regenerating such beliefs and perceptions as myself.

I realize that captivity is simply an experience created within my mind as the accumulations of thoughts that I tried to make as if it was ‘okay,’ when it was really a draining experience when having no direction over my experiences and essentially becoming sad and dismal whenever any thoughts of a similar nature would come up.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this existential woe and dread from the belief and perception of being held captive by ‘someone else,’ without realizing that the best cage that I’ve built for myself has been my own thoughts that have created and generated an entire fortress as a limitation to my actual ability to live and express here unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others for this experience of feeling like a captive, which would imply that I sought for revenge other than actual freedom from such captivity, disregarding at all times and not even considering that I had been the one that accepted and allowed and fully agreed upon such moment of separation, which stemmed from a set of beliefs that are no different to the current belief system that we are still living in as our world-cage and fueling with our own participation in it every single day, just by the mere fact of living in a world wherein money decides who lives and who dies.

 

Okay – here’s the point tied with the point of being born into this world and essentially the memory of ever having blamed my parents for bringing me into this world. I can see how that is also another aspect of me blaming my mother/ father because I apparently didn’t choose to be here, so all in all it was me trying to find a reason and a general culprit for what I accepted and allowed beyond family ties and being born from two human beings. I now realize that this comes from such primordial separation wherein I accepted and allowed my energetic imprisonment as the mind, as the solidity of the individual that I’ve been wherein I probably spent lifetimes loathing my body and seeing it as a cage, because I essentially had a pretty bad relationship toward my body that I’ve walked for the past years and continue walking it.

 

This is just another perspective in terms of how whenever I wished to just die. This was also supported by the belief system of there being an apparent heaven that I would go to wherein some ‘real freedom’ could be experienced. But in fact, what I had held as a non-conscious thought of seeing this reality as a prison, was just feeling that I was not able to identify, which is what propitiated my vexed experience in this world. And what I can see is that, we probably all feel and experience ourselves in a similar way, because we are the same in fact, and that very first moment of separation explains how there is really no one to blame for this belief of ‘captivity’ because we were the ones that built the cage ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a captive of my own beliefs, thoughts, feelings and emotions wherein I used such internal conflict to apparently ‘resolve’ my ‘unresolved conflict’ within this experience of simply loathing the world, myself, reality and everyone, wanting to challenge and question any god: ‘why the fuck am I here for?’ which is part of the grudges toward this ‘god’ that lead me to stop desiring being a ‘good person’ and presenting this immaculate image, simply because reality was showing me the opposite at all times, without realizing that I was the very creator of it all, I am responsible for such primordial separation and in that, responsible for any inner-conflict experienced within myself against my own body, reality and every living being in this Earth.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel claustrophobic in my own body, which was actually a self-created experience from me being haunted by my own memories, my own fears, judgments and emotions that lead me to be constantly wanting to run away from everyone including myself, which is why I developed ways to not be alone or when being alone, being a complete absentee from my very physical body, because I simply neglected it and believed that I could only solace myself with entertainment and relationships where everything seemed at least ‘not that miserable,’ without realizing that through wanting to ‘clear up’ my experience, I inevitably also fed the negative inner-experience that was not actually self-forgiven, but only buried by layers of suppressing myself and building myself into an idea of self that could apparently ‘forget’ about my own mind as the experiences that lead me to ever really question who am I and what am I doing here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever desire to just ‘die’ to be ‘free from my body,’ without realizing that the actual prison is and has been ourselves as our own mind, as the reality that is stemming from our very own mind wherein we have decidedly created a point of friction, separation and absolute disregard to each one of us being in fact one and equal, being the very cause of all our experiences wherein there is nothing and no one to blame anymore, but simply stand up, take Self Responsibility for our creation and ourselves and within that, stop any experiences from all that which we have accepted and allowed to exist as ourselves from the very moment of separating from self as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that heaven was the ‘real freedom’ and the place wherein I could finally run free and no longer be held a ‘captive’ in this matter world, without realizing that heaven is non existent, that I fed heaven through my very own internal conflict and friction that kept me thinking in and of separation, which only fed my own separation from the actual reality that I am which is this physical body that I neglected within my mind, without ever pondering how it is that I can judge that which sustains my very beingness, how can I neglect the very processes that allow the food that I eat be digested in order for me to continue living in this world, how have I become spiteful toward my very beingness just because of allowing thoughts in my mind to run rampant as an eternal friction, conflict and opposition toward my very beingness and matter.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word ‘matter’ to ‘problems’ wherein I then believed that all problems that I experienced could be ‘ended’ if I ceased to exist as such matter, without realizing or even understanding that the reality that I am is actually matter, as the physical that I have neglected, diminished, abused and tortured by my very belief system of ‘being a captive’ in my own body.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever support belief systems of ‘life after death’ being ‘the real life’ and this being only a sick joke that I had to endure with lots of inner conflict and mental pain that I created and fueled by my very own participation, never ever questioning ‘what the hell am I doing to myself?’ because I saw it as a righteous way to blame any ‘creator’ for my existence.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame my progenitors for ‘bringing me to this world’ without me apparently having chosen to be here, which only points out a point of desiring/ wanting to abdicate my own responsibility that has been always diverted to an ‘authority’ and some ‘greater force,’ wherein I became part of the masses that prefer to blame than actually get to know and understand how reality operates, and how we got ourselves here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this experience of and as captivity, seek to spite ‘god’ or fellow human beings for being born into this world that I see simply continued participating in within the ‘accepted ways’ of detracting, criticizing, judging, blaming everyone and anything outside of myself for my very own existence – and in that, becoming a captive of my own beliefs toward my ‘captive-state’ without realizing how I had created and generated it all for myself, from that very acceptance of separating myself from myself, ensuing the current state of reality that we’re living in, which is my creation and absolute responsibility to get myself back to as a whole again.

 

I commit myself to expose how we create our own cages of the mind while believing that all we are is this personalized fuckup that exists as thoughts, feelings, emotions that are only here to recreate and generate further inner conflict within ourselves, without realizing that it is in such separation that I have become this reality in its full splendor of human nature that spites itself back in the name of personal power and ‘freedom,’ that can only exist within this energetic-system of abuse as the current power games we play with and toward each other as personalities, fighting for survival and seeking the most ‘heavenly experience’ which is achieved with gaining/ earning/ getting the most money.

 

I commit myself to expose how any victimized state of being stemming from wanting to blame a god/ creator for our existence, is in fact abdicating our responsibility toward ourselves, this world as our creation and the very mirror of what we accept and allow to exist within our very own minds, therefore sharing and demonstrating how it is possible to stop living in such state of captivity by and through supporting ourselves to write out our cages, our frames of mind, our limitations/ fears/ judgments to walk a process of reintegrating ourselves back to that initial state of no-conflict, no opposition which is only able to be lived as self by walking this process of self through writing Self Forgiveness, developing Self Honesty and walking the practical living correction to ensure that we stop all separation in this world beginning with the separation that we have accepted and allowed in and as ourselves, as our physical body and mind.

 

I commit myself to walk my mind as my creation, my point of responsibility that requires a process of self-correction to ensure that I understand how I created myself, how I have limited and diminished myself to only being an ‘idea’ that is existing in constant and continuous conflict, to stop and walk a physical integration of such conflict into self-directive actions wherein who I am is able to be lived and expressed within the principle of what’s best for all as Life, as my actions and thoughts are from here on walked, self forgiven and directed to express the will of who I really am as one and equal, which implies no separation is allowed.

I commit myself to expose how we are the very ones that wrought this cage as our own mind, and how it is in reality that only through standing one and equal as our mind, as our physical body and taking responsibility for the consequences that are here as our reality and creation that we can finally birth life in the physical, the way that it always should have been.

 

Blogs to Ground yourself back on Earth

• The Negative ALWAYS Move the Positive: DAY 25

• Day 25: MINDING My OWN Business

• Day 26: Grey Matter Invasion – EARTH OCCUPIED

• 
  

  The Law of Energetic Abuse is the last name of our creation: is our very growth the byproduct of a Negative experience?

Interviews

• Atlanteans – How we became the Mind’s Foundation – Part 31

• Reptilians – The Mind as the Spider’s Web – Part 33

Day 25: Existential Woes

Since yesterday that I read Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, Consumerism Starts in the Womb of the Mother: DAY 23 I got quite a reaction coming up from the realization of the birthing process and how it actually takes place in such a way that it is like a recreation of that very initial moment of separation from the whole, that initial division that had a negative energy in it as a result of such conflict/friction that ensued separation. This point clicked within me as a piece in the puzzle that I had been missing out through my life as the experience that I would constantly have with no apparent reason for it at all.

As I’ve shared before, I had a very ‘normal life,’ I was and have been supported, got education and ‘great opportunities’ that have lead me to live a relatively stable and comfortable life. However, I always had this nagging experience that I could only call an ‘existential woe’ and I remember reading Sartre and somehow identifying myself with that, the same with Camus and other people that are now simply seen for what they are as ‘existentialists’ – that was a first approach. However I continued to search for more, to give a ‘name’ to this existential woe. I simply accepted such experience as a kind of  slight chronic depressive tendencies without any reason to have them. I even accepted the fact that maybe it had to do with being a more ‘sensitive person,’ but the reality is that I now understand a lot more about who we are/ our creation in a way that we all have now as a once in an existential lifetime opportunity.

 

I had shared since the beginning of this process why everything that I would depict in art was always this state of worry/ woe/ anguish/ concern, and I found it very very difficult to do anything else but depict such state of being that I could only pin point as a rather ‘deep’ experience within me that I wasn’t fully aware of. Yet it was Here, always here. And I even thought that it had to do with some fucked up chain karma of past lives or having had birth-suffering because of having my umbilical cord around my neck for quite some time. It is fascinating – to say the least – what I’m realizing within these blogs and overall with the interviews that are being released. Now I’m able to understand what I had never ever been able to place into words, never being able to grasp it, yet it was certainly an experience that had no reason to be other than just being ‘here’ as myself. I could be making a big assumption in terms of me expressing that point of separation and ‘existential woe’ through the pictures and scenes that I would draw/paint, but at least, such expressions now make more sense in terms of how such anguish and constant ‘down’ experience is what we all human beings exist as that very first energetic surge from that primordial friction/ conflict that caused the separation of the whole generating  a negative experience.

 

So, because none of us can fully remember or even explain/ give a name to these inherent experiences of absolute negativity toward ourselves and everyone else, it makes complete sense how this that I had experienced in what I would call ‘irrational manner’ toward people in my world.

Because of reading these blogs, all of the self-destructive patterns and behaviors we have lived out somehow make sense now. This is not within the context of it being something beneficial for all, no. It is about being able to understand A LOT more about ourselves as mind consciousness systems and why even after these 4 years of walking/reading the Desteni material, I only thought that such constant experience of negativity toward myself/ the world in general was merely ‘preprogrammed’ which is not, it is really the experience of separation as the cross we bear in fact.

 

Now, why this is such an important point to walk from what I have realized/ understood through my own experience, is because each one of us is essentially walking their own points of separation to reintegrate/ get ourselves back to the point that we have only separated ourselves from as relationships/ experiences, in a very absurd manner  -and by absurd I mean that we missed Ourselves as Life all the time, as simple as that. I also realize there are no If’s and that I could write a Looong blog about the reactions of ‘what ifs’ -however, what’s relevant here is walking my own mind of self-separation as I see and realize that it is the only way that I can really live that which is required for us to be/ do when realizing to what extent we had become these absolutely lost drones with no ability to remember that we once were all.

 

Why is this a very cool point? Because now I see how there is an actual ‘reason’ for such existential experience within each one of us, and now we can see that we missed the very obvious: Together we thrive and separated we fear and destroy each other.

One example is no matter how many millions you have, as long as we are still existing in separation. Makes sense why even during the first years throughout childhood there is conflict between children, conflict between children and parents, conflict from the very process of gestation within the womb. And yes, somehow it also makes sense why it was so difficult for me to see anything ‘holy’ and ‘graceful’ about childbirth.

 

I breathe and let go of this as I see that sometimes it is easy to reinforce the points of separation, instead of actually walking it through a writing of Self-Support wherein I make sure I honor myself as words, as the creation of the word as who I am. What does that mean? That all words that reinforce separation, must be walked through a process of self-correction and in that, I see that the usual ‘fear’ that exists is having to let go of our specialness within the use of words, the ‘who we are as words’ that encapsulate the entirety of ‘who we are’ in these great bubbles of ego that eventually only work as hard and soft veneers to keep ourselves ‘stable’ in this self-created world of Machiavellis  wherein we are all constantly existing in fear and experiencing this irrational hatred toward one another. I had a hard time playing nice in my life – yet I knew the system-value such attitudes had in terms of being able to use it to manipulate for my own benefit. And I would usually experience discomfort and judgment toward having to cheat or be corrupt, never realizing that we were the very instigators of such inner conflict that has become our reality till this day.

 

There is certainly a lot more to understand  – however I can see for now that I can make more sense of myself now, which I am grateful for, because even after having had extensive information, there was always this ‘point’ wherein I could not really understand Why we hated each other, because that’s the truth and there will be specific interviews to come that will explain why no two beings could stand in actual equality and oneness, which doesn’t surprise me. Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath to realize that I am here, I am the result of all of ‘that’ and I have the tools and essentially it’s up to me now to turn off the lights.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever seek a life-experience meaning to my ‘existential woe’ which now makes sense as the actual process of separation from who I am wherein the ‘who I am‘ emerged from that primordial separation from the whole wherein we lost all sense of recognition of who I am as one and equal and in that, accepted my self-definition as a negative-experience within this individualization as a process of ‘losing my religion,’ as in losing that unification wherein everything was just here, as self, stable as self, constant and consistent, which is what my physical body is actually the living-existence of that, I can trust my physical body and everything that I cause as a disruption exists as energy, as thoughts, as emotions, feelings, perceptions, ideas, that emerge from my participation and continuation in that initial negative experience from the moment of first-separation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience this seemingly unexplainable hatred toward everything and everyone as an experience wherein I thought that there was something ‘wrong’ with me, going into judgment and trying to tamper it with playing the nice well-behaved little girl, even if it was obvious that from that very first ‘system’ day as the first day of school, I created this profiling of my classmates as people that I could either like or dislike, without having an particular reason that I could explain at the moment, as to ‘why I could dislike someone,’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with laughter, woe and general ‘powerlessness’ when realizing to what extent I have been unaware of myself, not only about the ‘who I am’ as one and equal, but within the realization of how separate we are from our very own physical body,because we cannot even know exactly how our body functions until now that we are having these great explanations of who we really are. I can certainly say that to me being able to hear this now is like ‘manna from heaven’ because I am sure that I’ve spent endless lifetimes longing to hear form it. Sometimes it became such a ‘normal’ thing to be living with a portal and talking to various beings that it really became a ‘normal thing’ – however this is an existential process and we’re at ‘the point’ wherein we are ‘on the spot’ so to speak to be able to get it, and the fact that it depends entirely on us reminds me the type of responsibility that this process implies within each one of us, human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in such an initial fear of fucking it up again and having to simply end it all even after realizing that this world is already quite stable, that this Earth could require some changes and it could be heaven on Earth – yet because of perceiving it to be an insurmountable task I have believed that it will be ‘very difficult’ for us to do this, yet this is only a the very back of my head/ back chat because in a conscious manner as a ‘positive thinker’ that I tend to be is: ‘oh yeah we’ll do it’ – but ultimately it’s not about thinking it, but living it. Therefore

 

When and as I see myself believing ‘oh yeah, we’ll make it, we can’t go wrong this time/ there’s no way we won’t make it now’ and having a positive thinking while listening to the potential outcomes explained in the interviews while and during the moments when worst case scenarios are being explained – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have become this ‘fighter’ that feels like part of a military that must keep a certain ‘hold’ all the time wherein the image of someone with a shield in a battlefield becomes a recurrent image within me, and I see that I created this ‘warrior’ experiences when delving into ideas of being some kind of life-defender according to some of the multiple and varied material I read about spirituality/ new age movements that I researched for a while.

 

Therefore, I realize that the decision to walk this process is a self-willed decision that I in fact took on for myself, for the very first time in my life or even existence wherein I realize that there is nothing to ‘defend’ or ‘battle against,’/ overcome, but instead is simply a process of reintegrating myself back to who I am wherein I walk my own mind to get out of such ever-lasting character and start actually living as the physical, as the reality of who I am.

 

I realize that any usual though in the back of my head of this all being ‘impossible’ as a result of having cultivated a constant view upon humanity as being ‘royally fucked’ and in that, validating my thoughts as ‘real’ without ever knowing that it was this very experience that I had that I become so used to exist-as ‘me’ as such constant judgment toward everything and everyone – which is only self-created wherein I helped co-create this world in the image and likeness of separation.

 

I was walking and it is fascinating how much we can make our home gates seem perfectly ‘normal’ and even beautify them with all of this useless ornaments, without realizing that the very existence of such gates like family-cells in each and every single house, indicates the fortresses that we have built out of realizing the potential ‘danger’ that we represent to each other. This is absolutely ludicrous, however it’s our reality, it’s what we have become: warded beings in our little fortresses fearing each other, entertaining ourselves to not realize the extent of separation that we’re living in, consuming our physical bodies while constantly thinking and thinking and thinking and going into endless self-talks that never lead anywhere else, but into further confusion – con. fusion= perfect soup for the mind to generate extra energy to keep the god system alive.

 

It also became very obvious for me today how I was definitely in a state of physical woe while listening the latest Atlantean interview, which is curiously called now that I see ‘Caged in Powerlessness’  because the entire point of obvious acceptance of separation is explained and in that, there is no space left to deny that we weren’t ‘aware’ of it. When hearing the result of how a single belief within the Atlanteans or what a single surge of excitement caused in Anu to ‘overlook’ within his creative processes wherein such fuck-ups manifested the consequences that we are living now: a single belief, a single surge of excitement – one single point missed  and the entirety of existence went along with it, and the fact is that I can see myself in both patterns, specially with the excitement one, wherein I could have definitely pictured myself becoming greatly excited about anything such as a great discovery in existence and disregard any point of practicality in the moment, just because of how nice it sounded/ was

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience regret, woe and a general sense of powerlessness while listening to the explanations of how we got ourselves in the state that we are living in as existence. I realize that this experience is coming from me thinking about what I have accepted and allowed within myself to be and become in absolute disregard of myself, my own creation, my physical body that I’ve applied some points of self forgiveness for, but I had not gone into the topic of the absolute acceptance that we went into within becoming just individuals defined by energetic experiences. Energy is a diminished and controllable form of substance in existence – and the fact that we’re not even aware of our own mind as energy, places us really at the ‘scum level’ figuratively speaking, because the scum of the Earth is definitely fully aware of itself, while us humans aren’t –

 

So, really – the only way that I can accept myself to continue living in this world after all the damage we’ve done is to stop all victimization –first place at an individual level – and secondly, realize that we were never here to become ‘masters’ in reality – we are here to restore the order and become the real guardians of the Earth along with all the Earthlings – no more power games or desires to ‘attain’ the non existent heavens or gods – we are here, we walk the consequences, we take Self Responsibility until it is done. And as we’ve said many times, the only way I can see myself walking this is obviously within being part of a group of people, that I see are walking the exact same process as I am, along with the entirety of existence that is equally here. That means that I walk this once in a lifetime opportunity – or once in an existential lifetime – to finally stop all cycles of abuse as the actual infinity loop that I describe when I write ‘cycles’ as it goes from pole to pole, just like cathode and anode to create energy.

 

I commit myself to stop any and all forms of energetic surges through writing, applying self forgiveness and structuring a practical point of support for me to be able to realize my creation as my point of separation and being able to reintegrate it as myself once that I’ve walked through the process of identifying, correcting, living self forgiveness to stop participating actively in recreating these same primordial separation from the whole every time that I go into any form of positive, negative or neutral experience as ‘who I am’ – I instead becomes the point that walks the necessary process to stop.

” I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand how my development/growth/manifestation of/as my physical-body within and as the womb of/as the female’s physical-body – is the manifested-representation, equal-to and one-with what I have become/done since the beginning in my relationship as manifested-singularity to/towards the whole/existence as me. Where: the female’s physical-body womb = is equal-to and one-with the womb of/as existence/the whole. Where: my physical-body development/growth/manifestation is dependent on a constant/continuous process of/as friction/conflict to/towards the very womb of/as the physical-body of the female = equal-to and one-with my manifested-singularity development/growth/manifestation that was/always has been dependent on the constant/continuous process of/as friction/conflict to/towards the whole/existence.” Sunette Destonian Spies

 

Learn how to coexist with others as equals, walk with us!

Quote by Bernard Poolman from the awesome blog

Day 24: MY MIND IS BLOWING UP!

 

Supportive Interviews:

• Reptilians – Time-Creation in the Mind and the Physical – Part 31

• Life Review – The Search for Myself

• Atlanteans – Caged in Powerlessness – Part 30

• Fight to the Death for Energy and Money

 

Mind blowing Blogs

• A Woman’s Birth-Right is Pain: DAY 24

• Day 24: MY MIND IS BLOWING UP!

Day 24: Supervixen

 

Teasing, Tantalizing, chasing after chasing… all are experiences that we have become so used to as human beings, as consumers, as pictures within this picture world wherein energy as experiences is what has defined our life, sometimes entire lifetimes were defined according to keeping up a certain experience such as what I had lived  in a rather ‘unnoticed’ yet deliberate manner which is teasing/ tantalizing men specifically and getting always an experience out of it which was in the category of power and feeling ‘good’ about that.

 

This emerges as that seemingly uncanny and seemingly ‘natural’ pull that we have toward the opposite sex- of course being a heterosexual – and in that, participating in the constant friction that is created whenever a man and a woman are within the same ‘realm’ and reality and creating/ developing any form of relationship, which doesn’t necessarily have to be a ‘partnership,’ but any given encounter, friendship, school, work mates wherein I as a woman became aware of how easy it was to manipulate another man out of imposing myself in a way that could say – without words – ‘I am a woman and I can have you bow down to me’ – or so it seemed like that in my own mind.

 

It’s interesting because I learned these words from songs that I would hear when I was 9/10 years which was the time in the 90’s where all of these ‘powerful women in music’ were having a sudden uplift within media, and I simply wanted to be like them. I would ‘resonate’ with the presence and powerful personality that seemed to draw everyone’s attention to them. And within having the ability to relate to men in quite an ‘easy way’ due to how I became aware of this ability at a very young age, I used this as a form of  entertainment wherein I would make use of this form of manipulation to get a man to notice me/ want me/ desire me according to how much ‘input’ I would place into as attention that I would create or that I would deliberately manipulate myself into to ‘match’ what I would see would be wanted/ desired by such beings.

 

The point to clarify is how I really only wanted that initial playful and seemingly ‘innocent flirt’ that would keep me going for a while wherein I would enjoy having this sexual tension with other beings without having to go any further than that – which is what was mostly ‘unexpected’ by the counterparts, because I wasn’t really interesting in anything else other than keeping up that tension, just like keeping up a ‘flame’ until the candle burns out and consume and that was it – off to the next round and that was a rather ‘innocent way’ of looking at it, and it became such a ‘natural’ thing to do that I had not really questioned until one of my partners pointed out that I was such a flirtatious girl and I didn’t want to accept it because accepting it means my ego is destroyed and my secret forces of ‘power’ over others would be debunked, my ‘mojo’ would be lost – lol

 

So, this came up when I was walking yesterday and I saw a man that I know by default I would have obviously reacted to within myself in an energetic surge indicating that I was attracted to him, and the moment that I realized that, I deliberately breathed through it, to not participate, not glance, not do any seemingly ‘unconscious move’ that become those little points that are read as body language as a form of mutual recognition in one split moment that people can simply walk past by and just ‘flirt,’ and participate in that flirt without any other ‘consequence’ – apparently. What I see is that within me participating in such seemingly ‘unnoticed’ flirts, I am giving into a personality that was built over time wherein this power game toward men was developed. And I mean, this is not something ‘new,’ I guess that we all participate it in one way or another and there’s a series of interviews that explain the entire sexualization of relationships within this world wherein everyone is constantly participating in this, without noticing, calling it ‘human nature’ without having understood before WHY – now we know.

 

So, within me becoming aware of this at an early age, I used it in means of building myself as this ‘strong woman’ that can kick men’s asses and still be safe, because no men could ‘get back at me’ because of being a woman. And in this, I became rather cruel at some point – mostly when not really considering another in such relationships, because I wasn’t really aware of what I was ‘building’ while giving these little hints of teasing and tantalizing wherein I knew that I was definitely not going any further than that, but eventually the counterparts would believe that it would and the whole friendship/ relationship would just crumble down because I had simply given ‘false illusions’ to others – apparently.

 

Yet, this whole experience was just like ‘fun’ to me, like a pastime wherein I didn’t really consider what effect I was causing within others – and the same with some non-lasting relationships wherein because I ran out of the excitement quite fast, I simply would break up and that’s it.  It’s interesting how even in relationships the ‘who breaks up with who’ as in who ended the relationship can be turned into a ‘power game.’

 

I’m just realizing to what extent I came to live these lyrics of songs wherein women become like a religion to men, this ‘unattainable’ object of desire. And I had quite a moment just hours ago when I was scraping through the topic wherein one of those men that I had experienced such ‘tantalizing’ toward just suddenly sent an email out of nowhere in years, which made me react only in a sudden laughter while thinking ‘oh fuck what am I doing!?’ I can say that this is one of the weak-points wherein, as I’ve said before, the ground is not yet cemented and I realize that there is certainly a lot to learn and walk within this aspect of human relationships.

 

So for a moment I was a bit stuck within this writing because I knew that this is one of those nitty gritty points that I could deem as me being absolutely evil toward some men in my past. I also realized how I had victimized myself in my head more than what it was in reality in terms of relationships,  due to me manipulating memories to suit my martyrdom when in fact, I would put another through quite a hell of a ride with my jaded nature toward their ‘feelings’ when it all would come to an end – wherein I would be moving on and they would be still seeking out for that same experience somehow. I created some arrogance within me out of that and mirrored myself in relationships wherein that power game would not recede into submission, but was kept as a one on one, a ‘perfect match’ in terms of keeping the power game alive.

 

And so, this is just the ‘tip of the iceberg’ to debunk Marlen von Tease because I became so used to such experience that I would eventually not even notice, until it was really really obvious and absolutely deliberate to go fully into it, which indicates a fucked up way to begin any relationship with –therefore, a lot to give back to myself in order to stop the desire for these ‘sparks in life’ for the sake of some variety show in our day to day living.

 

The interesting point is how after I stopped participating in what I would have deemed an obvious and certain flirting corresponding that being while walking/ passing by, was me perceiving myself as asexual, dead or even wondering if I seem like such a detached person or plain lesbian. So, fascinating to see how when I stop participating I immediately perceived myself as ‘inert,’ and immediately obviously realizing how it was simply a trick of the mind to then feel ‘odd’ and create an entire mindfuck out of it – which is obviously not necessary. It’s simply realizing the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ after I’d been so used to always participate in these seemingly ‘fleeting moments in my reality’ that we apparently don’t ‘pay much attention to,’ without ever really wanting to look at them and understand the level of identification and personality is held within these power games.

 

I guess that listening to songs like Supervixen shaped quite a chunk of my views about women and men and these tantalization process- you can hear cryptic words that I gave meanings to, all obviously related to this power that women can have toward males as you can read in the comment section below the lyrics to it.

 

It’s never really about another, it’s only us being vampires by using another’s image to such ourselves dry with creating an experience out of another in an almost irrational manner, let’s call it ‘automated vampirism’ for the purpose of seeing it as the program it is to keep an energy-sucking system alive.  

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn at a very young age that women were able to have men ‘at their feet’ due to this ability to use a woman’s ‘charms’ to get the most attention and in that, creating within myself an energetic experience that would make me feel ‘good’ about myself, which means that I deliberately participated in teasing men in surreptitious ways wherein I knew that I could tantalize someone for the sake of experiencing ‘power’ over another.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rejoice when being able to intimidate another being for the sake of weighing myself as superior, as having the ability to instigate a certain reaction on another as that would mean that ‘I was able to push their buttons’ and so, use it for my personal benefit to add-up to my score of being this witty smart ass girl that could not be easily fooled, which was only a game inside my head anyways, because I definitely experienced the exact opposite when the time came for me to really live it in a form of relationship.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in the energetic reward of flirting through teasing another with physical movements that would suggest interest and attention, simply because of how ‘I’ would experience myself about it, which indicates that it was never really about another – therefore

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use only another person as a image to develop these power games within my mind, where the female had the man ‘at her feet’ and I that, following the ideas of how women were able to astonish an entire crowd if the right moves, the right voice, the right hand movements, the right clothes were fitted into a sellable package wherein any positive feedback about it, would allow me to fulfill the intended experience of flirting/ teasing in an ‘innocent manner.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just get an energetic kick out of realizing that I enjoyed talking in cryptic manners where people would not be able to fully understand what I had to say, and in that seeing if I could instigate an experience of powerlessness within them, I had then the right to support such diminishment by following their own reactions and blowing them out of proportion –all this done in a seemingly playful manner within me, without realizing the actual effects this could case within another, because I was only considering my experience and energetic kick in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get a sense of power over others whenever I could say something that would be similar to playing a poker game wherein I knew exactly what effect my words would get in the moment, in this becoming like a vampire that would suck out the moment that the projected and expected reaction came up, as in my mind I would say: I knew it, I was right, everyone’s so predictable – without realizing that all such games were a literal mindfuck between me and my own mind, wherein I would get a kick out of these experiences in a very subtle yet addictive manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in subtle yet deliberate games of gaining attention from males, wherein I sought to create/trigger an effect/reaction on another, which would in response create an experience within me that I could feel ‘good’ about as that sensation of being ‘more’ through instigating a reaction within others which is seeking attention but within the context of a sexual nature.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adopt ways of perceiving and categorizing men that I learned from lyrics in music written by these ‘strong-female characters’ that I idolized, wherein I learned about the thrill of being able to tease men and have men ‘at your feet/ bowing down to you’ wherein I simply adopted this way of thinking which made me part of the people that thought that females ‘had the control’ because of the sexual desires that are able to be instigated with ‘great ease,’ by using the female flirt and teasing as a way to power up or light up a certain ‘sparkle’ in another that will keep them ‘coming back for more.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever rejoice in being able to diminish and be rather cruel toward men that I knew couldn’t ‘get back at me’ because ‘I am a female, I am powerful and I can’t be dissed by a male’ – in this I recognize that I used the ‘female character’ and characteristics as a shield to be able to get a kick out of teasing men in subtle ways, wherein I would just enjoy the experience from the answers I would get which were those of paying attention to myself in a way that would make me feel ‘wanted’ and ‘desired’ and ‘accepted’ yet using demeaning ways to get such attention.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play these power games within the consideration that ‘I am a female and I can have power over a male,’ while playing the ‘strong’ and ‘powerful’ woman, when in reality, I would diminish and go into the opposite whenever I would deem that the man was ‘more powerful’ than I was – I see and realize that these ‘power games’ between male and female are part of the usual mind-games that use a sexual-attraction in a secretive/ subtle way, so that each one is able to keep the necessary ‘pose’ in place and still get the energetic kick out of experiencing ourselves as either good for having power over another or miserable when being ‘at the bottom.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that because I am a woman, I am the one that is ‘dominated’ by a male, while in fact I did play the role of using the female character as a way to play the dominant role, through instigating a desire that I would then use as a ‘reward’ which I would increase my ego with, within feeding another’s obsessions and my obsessions to keep myself occupied within these mind games that I would give my power away to, believing that I was feeding only another’s obsessions to keep them eating from my hand, neglecting the fact that it all happened in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself as a way to trigger experiences in another that could be regarded as ‘compliments’ in a subtle manner, wherein I would only instigate reactions without following through the entire relationship game, which means that I would only keep the ‘suspense’ in place for the sake of continuing that power game, until it would run out/ fade out and the interest would recede until it was simply not fed any longer.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an idea of a femme fatale that would enjoy  seeing men suffer, within the belief/ idea/ perception that men had dominated women for so long that it was ‘my time’ to ‘take revenge’ and in that, becoming part of the incipient feminism that I would see on TV/ media/ music world and in that, believing that it’s cool to tantalize men and that’s it, like getting someone drunk and high for a moment without giving any further steps to follow all the way through what such flirting/ teasing usually leads to in the ‘normal world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever enjoy being able to tease men that were ‘my friends’ just because of wanting to debunk their entire façade of being ‘strong men’ toward the rest of the people, and in that, feel better about myself for being able to expose this that I deemed the ‘real them’ while in fact I was only doing it because of the excitement and enjoyment that ‘I’ would get from ‘grounding someone’ that ‘bossy’ or ‘arrogant’ – yet without really considering what type of energy I was getting from such events as only creations and power games in my own mind.

 

Yesterday I went past a man that I would have had a reaction to as an attraction, wherein you experience that fuzzy feeling in your stomach and I was aware right before it manifested, hence I deliberately breathed and didn’t participate in the moment wherein I had become an automated flirt toward men that I would have a visual reaction to, without considering what such ‘innocent flirt’ or ‘teasing’ can lead-to by just participating in this game with looking back at another or doing a single physical movement that indicates that ‘the game is on.’

In this I realize that I had become an automated participant of these teasing games wherein it became like a hobby for me to do so, when I deemed that it was ‘worth it’ to play the game – yet getting quite scared of the person getting the ‘wrong message’ and going ‘too far’ with perceiving the entire power-game to be more serious than what I deemed as simple innocent and ‘almost non perceptible’ ways in which I could still tantalize someone, yet not engage into further ‘problems.’ Which lead me to eventually having to stop some of those ‘friendships’ in a cold-manner, because of realizing that I had been giving/sending ‘the wrong message’ all the way, wherein I then deemed myself as ‘too innocent’ and ‘not knowing what I was doing.’

 

All of this proves that the lack of communication between human beings in a direct, straightforward manner ensues misunderstandings and assumptions that can lead to events that are certainly not necessary if the points are straight from the beginning. By this I mean that whenever we engage within participating in these ‘usual/ casual flirts,’ we take responsibility for whatever comes after that, and in most cases it would lead me to have to distantiate myself from such beings in my world, because of them going ‘too far’ within the belief of ‘who I was’ or ‘what I was up to,’ which is how I realized that I could not go around just instigating others to believe that I was ‘sending a message’ as in deliberately teasing them to get a response for them for ‘something else,’ instead of me simply seeking the attention and appraise gotten in the moment and the reaction I would experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get infuriated if another female would do the same because then the entire ‘power game’ would be against another ‘me’ that could do the same and in that, lose my place within such being’s world, eventually just stepping aside and diminishing myself to a non-existent place within ‘their world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am a powerful woman that can control men’ wherein I actually got to live out the exact opposite as a result of me having diminished myself within an actual relationship, wherein I see and realize that it was not always as I remember or have manipulated the relationship to be within my mind. I realize that I have blamed others for how I have experienced myself, while in fact I was actually quite rude and cruel at times toward them.

And it’s interesting to see how I had hid in the back of my head these memories of seeing that I was ‘really hurting men’ because of a ‘bad experience’ that I had as the first relationship wherein I called a relationship a failure without even really starting, which was my way of ‘washing my hands’ when seeing that I was not getting the expected energetic experience within me out of another. It was really not about ‘the other’ but what I had built and created as the idea of another inside my head for my personal benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and guilty for having cheated beings within relationships, simply because I was not getting enough ‘energetic highs’ out of just one being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually had any power over other, when in fact it as just me imposing myself as these ideas of ‘who I am’ and instigating reactions which are no different to putting up a fight to get the reactions/ experience of having the power to make another react in a way that I can feel ‘good’ about myself, feeling ‘more’ or ‘powerful.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘bad’ for this because of realizing what type of secretive and seemingly-innocent power games I’d play, wherein any interaction with males that I would deem as ‘attractive,’ I would use as a way to fabricate my own little game to get some energy going on out of it an entertain myself in my day to day living.

 

I commit myself to stop participating in these momentary ‘fleeting flirting moments’ that recharge this entire personality of the ‘supervixen,’ to finally establish a point of equality toward people in my world, where I make sure I do not participate in any form of energetic game or experience when being with another, as I realize that within energy there is a point of separation and a point of relationship created, which usually leads us to the usual outcomes of up and down to be eventually non-existent in our world, thus going out for more.

 

I commit myself to deliberately stop myself whenever I see myself seeking a similar experience in other ways wherein the personality of being a female overrides the point of equality toward men, and in that, creating an entire set of consequences within such power games of separation. I realize that we have all agreed to ‘play these games’ wherein I was not even aware to what extent such ‘flirts’ or correspondences would be interpreted as something way-out beyond my initial intention, which is what would cause some disruption within me when finding out what I was getting myself into.

 

So, I commit myself to expose these seemingly ‘innocent power games’ that are in fact keeping entire personalities in place within ourselves, wherein we become just another bolt waiting to be ejected by having any point of fuel to be catapulted. I see that who I am is able to not participate and still remain here, regardless of any initial thought of ‘fearing losing my experience’ which is that of flirting and creating this rather primitive way of establishing relationships with the opposite sex.

 

I realize that in order for us to stand as equals, all power games must cease to exist – and all identities as roles within society of being more than and less than in a sexist manner, are only that, labels, beliefs, ideas that do not support life and what’s best for all, but perpetuate a self-definition within energy that is Not who we really are.

 

I commit myself to never again engage in relationships of flirting or sending out ‘wrong messages’ which implies participating in my world without giving into the experience of winning/ losing, feeling good/ bad about myself/ others in any given moment.

 

I breathe, I self forgive and let go of this all unconditionally, as they all were only memories in my head.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Ode to Femininity (2004)

 

More on  Energy-Sucking Matters in this Reality, supporting ourselves to stop all life degradation trips:

• Day 23: Blow My Mind Please

• Consumerism Starts in the Womb of the Mother: DAY 23
  

Great interviews for further support on understanding what these energetic-drives eventually create in one’s reality:

• Life Review – A Cheater in my Mind

• Life Review – My Life of Cheating

• What is Sex – When all Relationships become Sexualized – Part 16

Day 23: E-cummulation

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become a being that will only ‘accept myself’ / my ‘who I am’ based on the extent/amount of energy-experience I accumulate/manifest as consume within/as myself”

Sunette Spies Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my beingness as a limitation, a caging of self-expression into a confinement called experience wherein who I am was reduced to being a single word as the name of an experience that I could identify as ‘who I am,’ in order to think, believe and perceive that ‘this is who I am’ and according to such definition, thinking ‘I am alive’ –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question or even ponder about the experiences that I became so automated to seek, such as a sense of satisfaction, a single thrill from going to places, meeting people, hearing music, watching/ observing the world wherein I created relationships as experiences wherein all that I would ever experience is myself as my own programmed energetic reactions as the definitions that I created in order to make me feel ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with anything/ anyone in my world in order to keep myself occupied in a constant experience that I created about something/ someone as that constant fueling ‘toward’/ in the expectation of an experience within a certain event, within consuming something, within meeting someone, within going to a certain place, within buying something wherein it would always feel better to exists in such anticipation that would eventually wane once that such expectation was fulfilled in either a positive or negative result, and within this experience the ups and downs of my self created patterns of experiences that I defined myself as ‘living for.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always seek a crutch to keep living/ keep going in my reality – whether it was waiting for school to end, waiting for vacations, waiting for a concert, wanting to meet someone, waiting to ‘be older’ and always future projecting these events that I would accumulate energy toward and when such events would be gone/ fulfilled/ completed, I would go just like a vampire seeking for another ‘energy source’ for my next high to accumulate energy to eventually have it dissipate once that the ‘target was met’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a moment/ experience builder wherein through giving meaning and values to everything and everyone around me, I crafted my own networks of energetic resources to ‘sip from’ – and within this it is to be understood how we have not in fact ever lived, because we have only sought to get high from energy and energetic experiences in either a positive, negative or neutral spectrum wherein we are constantly feeding a ‘state of mind’ that is kept as a constant thinking in our heads and in that, not being aware of what is it that I am in fact doing to myself, because I cannot see how thoughts that I create require energy to exist and such energy is sipped from the food that I consume as the physical resources in order to keep my ‘personal mind-heaven’ going as a constant experience-seeker.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the relationships that I had formed toward people/ things/ places/ past and present because of thinking that I would be ‘dead’ as a ‘vegetable,’ without realizing that who I am as Life doesn’t require and in fact is violated/ abused the moment that we use it and denigrate its wholeness as substance into a single energetic experience wherein I am defining myself as that experience that I believe is ‘fulfilling’ and ‘satisfactorily’ which is how  I accepted and allowed to continue ‘building up experiences’ as memories that I could keep in my mind to continue my dreams and desires going, believing that I was doing ‘no harm’ in following these experiences, even though I was aware of how the effect of such highs would lead me to a low that I would seek to get back on top again, and in that allow myself to exist in this vicious cycle of ups and downs and believing that when I was in a ‘neutral’ state, I was ‘stable’ no realizing that I was still simply waiting in the middle ground to have some positive or negative experience to wind up my energetic self-experience again.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge the point of ‘stopping the mind’ as being dead and being ‘idle’ without realizing that the idleness that I would experience was self-created through thinking patterns of not getting ‘enough’ positive experiences and not being able to take me down to the bottom of the extreme negative out of fear of who I would become-  therefore idleness was a constant state of seeking and fearing myself as experiences, that I would cover up or maintain in a perceived ‘nothingness’ status quo, without realizing that I was in fact thinking myself into it, and still only defining myself as that experience of ‘nothingness’ without realizing that I was not really Here, breathing as my physical body – I was simply in a limbo position wherein self-direction was non existent.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self direction and self-will to the will of who I am as what I have defined myself within the context of experiences as positive, negative and evidently neutral experiences wherein my beingness became a ‘state of being,’ wherein ‘who I am’ became a single definition according to ‘how I am experiencing myself’ and in this, never really considering that the physicality that I am and exist as is in fact the reality of myself – simply because of having accepted these energetic experiences as ‘who I am,’ and within this perceiving breathing, being here as being dead. The world is in reverse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into moments of yearning to ‘experience’ something which is just like a drug addict that yearns to have another fix, just because of realizing to what extent we have defined who we are according to an experience, a rush, an ‘elevation’ that can only last for so long wherein the rest of this reality is absolutely side viewed and disregarded, because I accepted and allowed myself to only care about me, my satisfaction and this becoming part of the army of egotism as a ‘lifestyle’ wherein we as human being compete against each other, create deliberate conflict in order to be on top of others, deliberate cheat and lie to become ‘better’ than others in our own minds – and i f such results are not fulfilled, we veer to a negative reinforcement wherein the opposite experiences are embraced in order to get the same energetic experience yet within a not so popular way of creating our own personal heaven, which is how paraphilias and so called mental fetishisms are created, as such ‘special relationships’ that are not broadly accepted as ways to trigger out emotions/ feelings just the same way that light and love is broadly accepted as an energy trigger.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not be ‘someone’ unless  I was valued, worthy, recognized, appraised by others which meant that without the experiences that I would get from such relationships, I would perceive myself as non-existent, just because of the extent that I had delegated everything that I am as a physical breathing human body to only be running on energetic experiences at a mind level, wherein suffering or any perceived depression was equally satisfactory in a reversed manner, wherein I would get a kick out of that which is gloomy and depressive and sad/ dismal/ lugubrious/ obscure – without ever considering that I was living just the opposite side of seeking happiness, bliss, love, light and all the positive aspects that I deemed as ‘socially acceptable,’ which meant that my energetic-drive was a constant opposition toward that which was socially acceptable as good/ benevolent, which came from me designing myself a deliberate disruption to a perceived perfect world and stable environment, which means that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always want to get an energetic experience the moment that I perceived that ‘nothing was going on,’ which asserted me as only being ‘existent’ and ‘alive’ if I was desiring, looking forward to, expecting, seeking, wanting, desiring, as these energetic hooks that I would extend to something/ someone in order to keep that mind-relationship in place that I could use at any given moment to trigger a positive or negative experience out of, without ever realizing that I was merely confirming that negative experienced that ensued the moment that I separated myself form the whole in this individualization of ‘who I am’ as only a definition, an idea of self, a set of preferences and dislikes that can only exists as a particular configuration of ‘who I am’ wherein all actions, thoughts, deeds had a calculated outcome/ effect according to my input/ placing myself as the cause to obtain a result, which is what lead me to become like a hunter or a vampire in my reality wherein everything that I would say/ do/ think and live out would be in order to get an experience out of what I perceived others would do/ say/ convey as a result of my input, wherein I became an actual energy-hunter with strategies and energy-triggers that I embodied as ‘who I am,’ in order to get people’s attention and at the same time, be rejecting such attention which is the typical love-hate polarity game that we play in order to keep our poles as energetic devices that run on energy, which is what I used my physical body to do, just an energy transformer to fulfill my mind-elations.

 

 

“we’ve become beings within existence, that only exist for as long as we can power/empower ourselves from/of the transforming of our beingness substance into/as Energy – limiting the ‘time’ of our existence to the equation of the relationship between our substance and the consuming of that substance into energy. Where in the very nature/manifestation within ourselves as manifested-singularities in the beginning, we’d come into being as an individualized part/expression of/as substance, but immediately proceed with the processes of consuming our own substance/life and transforming it into energy. And as we continue within that process, we’re consuming our own ‘life’.” Sunette Spies [a]

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get used to being constantly seeking and experiencing ‘something’ as giving name to that self-created and maintained experience at a mind level toward my reality and people wherein within this self-idealization as separate from the rest, all that was left for me to do is giving names, categorizing, assessing, valuing, devaluing this reality into a way that I could claim was ‘my own life’ as ‘my opinion’ about the world, as ‘my perspective’ as ‘my mind’ that I sought to have people ‘respect’ because I had taken the time to dissociate myself in specific elitist manners wherein not everything/ everyone could be part of my ‘specialized world’ in my mind wherein only ‘special beings’ and ‘special people’ and ‘special traits’ would be regarded as worthy of being in my mind-trophy wall of points that would make me feel good about myself/ others and the world as a point of relationship/ separation from who I really am, wherein I was making the statement of ‘I am an individual that exists as this specific configuration of separation as relationships that trigger a positive or negative experience within me, wherein I am nothing else but these experiences that I get from naming, identifying, judging, valuing, assessing others and everything in separation of myself, which is how I had lived as a knowledge and information robot that disregarded the very life essence that would allow such thoughts, such schemes, such experiences to continue as thoughts  in my head that would turn into experiences that would turn into ‘who I am’ in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to live for and drive myself to seek the most ‘original ways’ as usually understood as that desire to be as ‘singular/ special/ unique’ as possible wherein deliberate fascinations as relationships to what which wasn’t ‘socially acceptable/ embraced’ became ‘my point of fascination’ wherein I believed that I was ‘unlike anyone else’ because no one that I knew would have the same likes and preferences, and in this, I felt ‘special’ and ‘rivalry-safe’ wherein anyone that could seemingly present a similar pattern of likes/ preferences in my world, I would immediately identify as a potential rival/ enemy that I had to overcome and out-do in any possible way, which implied I had to go a notch higher to identify myself with a more ‘extreme’ version of that which defined ‘who I am’ in order to always be able to remain as a ‘winner’ within the idea of who I am toward my environment and others in it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always put all effort, time and money to make of any experience within my life something that I could call ‘memorable’ as the creation and energy-input that I would give in order to get the most ‘fulfilling effect’ out of it, as a memory that I could keep/ cherish for further ‘remembrance’ as in being able to re-live that energy as ‘who I am’ in any given moment, just like the mechanism of revamping experiences through memories and get the same ‘experience’ that I had initially decided I would imprint such memory with, wherein my memories became ‘my life,’ the definition of me as events, people, places, words, things as the e-ccumulation of myself as this energized personality as my ego, as ‘my precious’ that I had carefully crafted in order to eventually, someday, be ‘proud of who I am’ as a lifetime achievement of these positive experiences that could make me feel like ‘more’ than who I am as the simplicity of a physical body here, that I never ever regarded as the actuality of who I really am, and instead having lived the exact opposite wherein ‘all that I was’ was this collection of memories, events, experiences that I could re-live/ re-vamp through bringing the memory here and getting the same energetic experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that ‘who I am’ is this accumulation of energy as memories, experiences and ideas of myself in order to eventually be able to judge my life as successful, miserable or plain/ dull according to the expectations as dreams that I had set up for myself while growing up, wherein the pursuit of happiness was reinforced in school when having to write about our future and ‘where would we see ourselves in’ wherein if one would not achieve such dreams, I would deem my life as a failure; without realizing that it is within these future projections to ‘fulfill my dreams’ that I accepted and allowed myself to continue supporting the same system of incentives and rewards as ‘living’ wherein the accumulation of ‘who I am’ can be eventually considered as a successful living or not within my own mind and at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘miss out on life’ because of constantly talking myself into an experience and seeking for some experience deliberately either positive or negative but ‘experiencing’ something as I feared my non-thinking and non-existence as not being experiencing something, which is the exact opposite of what is actually real, wherein being here breathing, moment by moment is living and any diversion from the physical moment as breathing, is indicating me a point of relationship as an experience that I have created within myself in separation of who I am.

I realize that within being here as a whole, I don’t require to ‘accept’ myself as something as I am it, – therefore I see the importance of walking all past relationships as the very manifestation of separation-codes that I created toward ‘others’ in my reality as a reference of my relationships toward everything/ everyone to keep my ‘personality’ in place, wherein I had to ‘have an opinion’ have an experience toward everything and everyone in order to be able to ‘relate to them,’ which was diminishing ‘who I am’ as a character seeking to establish relationships of acceptance/ rejection of others in separation of self, a complete cycle of segregation from the wholeness that I have neglected as who I really am.

 

I commit myself to walk my relationships as the point of responsibility that I hold toward myself as the whole as the points that I have created and deliberately participated in ensuing separation within the acceptance of me as a character/ personality/ ego that ‘had to’ have an experience toward reality, otherwise I would be seen as ‘character-less’ and ‘bland’ and ‘dead’ which is how I accepted to play the games of society to always be either in a positive or a negative experience for the sake of complying to what we have socially accepted as ‘living’ as being either happy/ fulfilled/positive experience or miserable/ depressed/negative experience, as the polarities that would invariably go up and down in each being’s life in order to maintain a polarized reality that would generate enough energy to keep our ‘heaven’ in place as a custom-made paradise that would apparently fulfill our dreams/ our lives as a reward of living an accumulation of good deeds within the score-kept to eventually believe that I could be ‘more’ at the end of my life than who I really am, which is ludicrous in nature – yet as real as the consequences/ effect of my initial belief within this energetic system as ‘who I am.’

 

I commit myself to walk the necessary writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to walk my relationships as points of separation into ‘giving back to myself’ as the reintegration of myself as who I really am wherein all reactions created toward ‘another’ are recognized as self and as such, given-back to finally stop participating in generating energy to continue living as a e-ccumulation of experiences as ‘who I am,’ which is correcting my living from ego/ as energy experiences into an earthing-grounding-birthing myself as a physical being that does not require to thrive on energy to exist – but only establish equal agreements toward everything and everyone within the necessary relationships that we are currently existing as Life in this reality.

 

That implies that a practical way to stop all friction, all positive reinforcement and negative devaluing is through equalizing Money in this reality to finally recognize each other as equal-parts of who I am, as equal-cells of the body that I exist as wherein I realize within common sense how it is the only way that we can continue living in this world, otherwise cancer is created as an over-growth that indicates negligence toward the whole as who I am. For this the Equal Money System is the solution that will equalizing the playing field within humanity to start acknowledging each other as equals, while walking our individual processes of re-educating ourselves to grasp, understand and live the law of our being as equality as a living realization of who we really are.

 

 

I realize that keeping myself within the existence of ‘who I am’ as energy, I am ensuring my own depletion as keeping my ego in place implies I must consume the earth to exist as I am defining the ‘who I am’ in separation of the whole, which is how this reality has become the egofication as the fixations that we created and accepted as ourselves within our minds as experiences toward all in separation of ourselves. Thus for me to establish an equal and one recognition, I set agreements wherein no abuse is possible as such separation will recede as I walk a process of self-forgiveness to give myself back to myself, reintegrating myself to all the parts that I have defined myself in separation of.

 

 

Last Man on Earth 2009

“The World-System of Money is consuming the very life of/as this physical existence, only because it’s on an existential scale it takes longer than what we do within ourselves and our own human physical bodies, where instead of this existence being manifested within the equal and one support of life and living – the World-System of Money is consuming this physical existence to its slow, sure but certain death. Rotting ourselves away from the inside and out, as we have become the very enzymes within our relationship to substance/physical as our relationships creations of energy that deteriorate and break-down substance/physical-tissue for our own survival as Energy-Consuming machines: Rotting ourselves away within and without – instead of standing equal-to and one with substance/physicality to produce life/living…” Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

 

Blogs for Further Support:

• [a] Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

• Day 22: Cause and Effect

• Fight to the Death for Energy and Money

 

Visit journey to life for more blogs