Category Archives: backchat

392. Why are Emotional Relationships a Fuckup?

Continuing from:

 

“So the disillusionment with arts have to do with My Own expectations about it. How I thought that this was ‘the way’ to change the world and of course I didn’t follow through with ‘becoming an artist’ in the traditional sense which I then perceived as myself already ‘opting out’ of it all and seeing the sheer idea of dedicating myself to ‘create art’ as utterly selfish, without realizing how much I had desired ‘that’ to be my reality before. I’ve also been recently sharing about these points with people, explaining how I’m not proud of the decisions I made earlier on in my life and how I would not recommend anyone to study arts. I do however not say ‘don’t study arts’ but simply place my own expectations, my own experience, my decision to do something else and how such studies were a nice platform but not real tools that I can apply to what I am doing now.” From 387. The Love/Hate Relationship with Art

 

Nostalghia

 

Facing Myself, my Relationships through the Relationship with Art

I suggest to read:  What does it Mean to Have a Relationship with Oneself? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 608 by Andrew Gable

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationships based on emotions and feelings wherein it doesn’t matter whether it is arts or a person or a responsibility or a place, the moment that I create emotional and feeling attachments to places/people/objects/professions then I begin creating my own trap through definitions based on what I believe that ‘I like’ and what I believe is ‘my thing’ based on nothing else but emotions, feelings, experiences that I went attaching toward something/someone over time, and then believing that I am in fact all of these experiences, emotions and feelings in relation to something or someone, without realizing that such experiences cannot define what such something or someone is in fact, as it is all entirely self-created, it is me-myself that has created this experience within me.

Within this premise, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately automate the words ‘my relationship to/with something/someone’ being defined as an experience that I have built toward something or someone instead of the actuality of how I participate, interact with, communicate with /through something or someone and within that realizing that any experience that I create is entirely my own and has nothing to do with that something or someone but myself at all times.

Therefore I realize that the projections upon ‘art’ is in fact the experience that I have created toward the who I was within that time of my life when I chose to study art and that If I were to place myself within that same frame of mind 7 years ago, I would probably still go for that choice in life, which means that it is a decision I made entirely based on what I wanted to experience and who I wanted to be as a personality, an ego and satisfy my drive that I went building up throughout time to ‘make it’ within the art world – so this point I have opened up before however now I am able to see that it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself, I’ve made of art the excuse to project my own judgments toward my decisions, the way that I established relationships toward this something that I ‘built myself’ around, and as such because I realized I could not continue constructing myself as ‘an artist’ within the initial ideals I had, then I acted in spite and begun regretting and embarrassed by my choices in life as I see them as ‘useless’ without realizing that I was actually reacting at all the various others things I did in my life throughout that time of which I cannot be proud of either and that I cannot certainly recognize as ‘myself’ any longer so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the relationships that I built with people and with specifically my career as ‘arts’ which in fact reflect all the choices in my life, the people that I chose to surround myself with and that I cannot really judge myself for who I was back then as back then I had no awareness of the points I am aware now.

So I realize that I have to stop being ‘hard’ on myself based on this hidden-experience of having ‘the past haunting me,’ and so be able to finally let go of it as I do not have to re-enact this kind of shame or embarrassment about myself, my past relationships, my emotionally-driven decisions in life because it is to realize that back then I didn’t know any other way – and so instead I am grateful to be able to be here writing myself, having deviated from ‘the path’ that I had initially chosen as god knows where the hell I would be if I had followed through my ‘lifestyle’ and the relationships I built around the same ego and personality that I was. I rather see and recognize that I’ve definitely moved on from that phase of my life, but! Also realizing that every time that I create an experience toward any memory, any relationship, any past choice including my decision to study arts, I recreate the entire network of ‘the who I was’ in my past and as such I continue enslaving myself to those relationships and only fuel the negative experiences that are the opposite polarity to the initial positive experiences that I used to build my relationships with people and with the profession/career I was veering myself toward.

And within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow the usual pattern within the mind which is ‘dissing’ something once that one has squeezed the last drop of positive experience out of it, which means that once that it ‘served me’ and ‘its purpose’ and I’ve hit the ground back into reality about it and I am no longer seeing visions based on emotional and feeling experiences, then I go into the opposite polarity of talking bad about it and feeling righteous within that, without realizing that it is only the predetermined and rather predictable outcome from an initial positive experience that I created with such ‘passion’ about it that when the whole experience was no more, I ‘dropped’ down to the bottom and the opposite – so it happened just like a typical relationship wherein people first get in love with each other and as time progress and the energy runs dry, they part ways and talk shit about each other, so that’s what I did toward ‘art,’ and I didn’t even realize it because to me it was so right that it hadn’t fulfilled my expectations that I believed I had ‘the right’ to feel that way about it, without seeing the obvious: it was a feeling, an emotion, a judgment that came from nothing else but the ‘who I was’ toward art and so, within this ‘dissing’ recreating my past relationship to art over and over again – trapping myself in my own past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form emotional relationships toward what I deemed as ‘my career’ or ‘my path’ which in this case was art/being an artist and within this allow a physical process to become a rather emotionally driven relationship, similar to those that I’ve walked with individuals wherein there are a lot of feelings and emotions attached to something/someone that I want to hold onto and when the relationship is no more, such dependency then turns into a ‘lack’ of this fulfillment gotten from something or someone and as such, it turns into a form of bitterness ‘toward something or someone,’ without realizing that this all is really not about ‘art’ in itself or the people in my past relationships or else, it’s about myself and how I created relationships of dependency upon others in order to ‘satisfy me’ or ‘complete me’ or give me some kind of experience to which I could define myself, build myself, construct and upgrade myself as the ego that I was wanting to be within the ‘who I am’ as a professional artist as well as within the relationship formed in relation to who I am as an artist and in relationship to others.

 

Therefore I realize that the best way to follow through with this is to entirely let go of my experiences toward my past specifically and so be able to give myself back to myself as being able to focus on what is here, what I am working with, what I am developing as myself and also to align my relationship to art and be able to enjoy it, visiting museums or read about it, hear it, interact with it without loading the entire experience of ‘going to the museum’ and defining myself according to that any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful in the past few years and whenever I would talk about some forms of contemporary art become infuriated and a bit angry about what I defined as being utterly selfish and self-centered and ‘useless’ to the problems that I was then realizing were ‘much more important than that’ – and in this, I still agree that there are more important points in life than some kinds of art that are merely conceptual and contemplative and ‘useless’ as a tool to create practical solutions to the world – however, this obviously doesn’t justify the fact that I’ve been spiteful and holding this love-hate relationship to it, and within this only fueling an inner conflict of still being interested in or curious about the current art forms that are emerging while at the same time judging it as useless so here

I had considered myself to feel bitter about art

art-should-be

Bitter: causing pain or unhappiness. Feeling or showing angry hurt or resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter about art as in becoming resentful toward it and toward the people that create it, not realizing that I had exactly done the opposite for a prolonged period of time which is why the inner conflict arose in the first place, all based on me wanting to make of art the quintessential human experience and making it the most ‘honorable profession on Earth’ or so, and so believing that being an artist was the same or similar thing as to say I was chosen by god and/or touched by god, so in essence a lot of delusions of grandeur that I created within me and that I projected toward art. So, this bitterness as in being angry, resentful, dissatisfied toward art has to do with me having to let go of my own desires/hopes/dreams related to me becoming an artist. So once again, it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself but the expectations and experiences I created toward it and so, when realizing I had to stop pursuing my mind any further and only feeding my ego, that’s when the opposite relationship came up.

When and as I see myself feeling bitter about any form of art that I may see, read about or even people that create art and discuss their work – I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am not tensing my physical body and experiencing that bolt of energy within me wanting to ‘let them know the truth about their creation’ which is in fact nothing else but me wanting to ‘express’ through reaction, as if I had ‘the truth’ within myself and so within this actually becoming nothing more than an ego that wants to be recognized for ‘my new position’ which is not really supportive but only a packet of resentment, judgments and overall bitterness toward that which I once praised.

I realize that this all comes from how much the entirety of ‘my world’ and ‘myself’ that I deemed as ‘real’ and ‘genuine’ were in fact not, so this whole relationship with art I remember very well was the first initial ‘big hit’ that I took when understanding who we are as the mind, as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system and that the thing I feared losing the most was the personality I had created through/as art and having chosen that path for myself, which is why that initial big fear of loss about this self-definition had such a ‘big impact’ in the aftermath, wherein I allowed myself to not be entirely self-directive toward art but instead then create the opposite polarity and so still participating within the mind. And this came through even though I believed I was ‘well over with it,’ only to test out not long ago that there were still reactions coming through the more ‘artistic’ documentaries I would watch and wanting to ignore the reactions to it until I simply believed that I had to ‘speak my mind’ about it – and yes, it was ‘my mind’ and a till here no further to when and as I see myself questioning or asking another about their creation from the starting point of the ‘bitter drop-out of an artist’ that I became in my mind, and so stop defining myself based on the choices of the past and focus on communicating or creating a dialogue based on what we can learn from it, what can be useful to understand our human condition or even innovate and take points to be creative in the ways that I can support myself and others through this process while using art as a supportive tool for it, without endowing it the entire ‘duty’ of ‘changing the world’ in itself, which as I’ve previously discussed, it’s impossible.

When and as I see myself wanting to create an experience of spite or disdain and bitterness toward ‘art’ and seeing it as useless or pointless while at the same time being curious about it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that both the negative and positive experiences are only re-creations of the ‘who I was’ in the past as an art-lover and then the who I became as the anti-thesis of that which was pretty much being very critical toward art within a negative context, and so I simply stop, breathe and observe/interact with it without creating any experience but rather seeing it objectively for what it is. And this is the challenge really because I had cult-ivated the experiences attached to works of art and becoming emotional about it, which I also learned from books at the same time. So I realize that all of my emotions and feelings are in fact nothing else but knowledge and information that I’ve translated into energetic experiences that serve no purpose for me to interact with something or someone.

 

I commit myself to be able to be here as breath while witnessing performances, watching/visiting museums or art galleries and also to remain here as breath when getting too excited about seeing something because that’s also once again recreating the same pattern of the visual vicious – which I’ve talked about extensively of – and so realize it’s just images, it’s just pictures, it’s just a part of reality and the only way I can ‘react’ to something is if I ‘load’ all my past-definitions in order to react based on memories and the knowledge that I had built around art and the ‘who I am’ toward art. So I can practically simply stop those past definitions and focus on reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read about the Stendhal syndrome in some book and consider that I would get this kind of experiences such as seeing ‘the sublime’ and mostly images that would depict the end of the world, which is why I focused myself so much on depicting the end of the world and getting a kick out of it, and believe that these emotions were ‘normal’ to me and that I had all the right to ‘express them’ but, the reality is that it was all a self-created experience and that there was no ‘magic’ or ‘real connection’ to painting or anything like that which I believed was something ‘special’ within me. Therefore I realize that these experiences were pretty much all created within my desperate need to ‘feel something’ because I had deemed the ability to ‘feel’ as in becoming emotional as special, as sensitive, as ‘unique’ in a human being – and so I created my own web of experiences according to how I would see others would feel and so mimic it, read books that were very emotional and then going determining what I would find as ‘emotional’ and what I would like to experience and so integrate as part of the ‘who I was’ as the characters that I read about and that I eventually wanted to create for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to made of past relationships as something conflictive and filled with ‘turmoil’ inside my mind as I realize that this was also part of the definition of who I wanted to be as a very sensitive person in order to be able to have stories to tell or talk about, as I believed that I had to suffer to make any real art. Therefore, I realize that any experience I created toward something or someone wasn’t part of reality as such, but entirely self created in my mind. Within this, I realize that also in my relationships the experiences I created about others were never ‘real’ as such, but only the plethora of experiences and definitions I created upon them – that’s why once the energy ran dry and seeing the individuals or situations that I was in within my life with sober eyes and frame of mind, the ‘truth’ of myself and the interactions with others/something came through as it is.

 

So a way to redefine a relationship it is to first of all no longer define tit through/as an emotion or feeling, something that we believe is ‘real’ in the mind based on memories, ideas, beliefs, past experiences that we then make real as our preference, as that which ‘we want,’ without taking physical reality into consideration.

Therefore an emotional relationship will always end up as a ‘fuck-up’ if it is not aligned to physical reality wherein I can stand as an individual that first of all ponders what it is that I sought in my relationship with something/someone that I believed I didn’t have myself, alone – and so realize that whichever I was expecting to get from ‘art’ or someone in my life were and had been all points of separation, illusions that I believed were unable to be experienced within me. So this is how the best way to create a relationship with someone or something is to ensure that it is seen through the eyes of physical reality, where no emotions, feelings, no past experiences, no ideals, wants, needs or desires become a decisive factor in terms of defining who I am toward others, as all I have to consider is myself and within doing that I can then interact with something/someone based on the principles that I can integrate within myself, as the relationship that I want to establish for myself so that no matter what I do, where I am, with who or alone, I remain stable, supporting myself, getting to know about others in the relationships formed with my reality, recognizing myself as one and equal with them, instead of seeing them as points to ‘fulfill me’ or things/experiences that I believed I lacked.

I realize that it’s been supportive to revisit this aspect of ‘my relationship to art’ to review my state of affairs in relation to other relationships based on emotions in the past, and so to focus on preventing further ‘fuckups’ as the ups and downs and polarity relationships of ‘love and hate’ as that is all of the mind -  instead there are more physical aspects and perspectives to consider here as well.

Life on Earth in itself is built through relationships, so I cannot define relationships only as personal relationships with something or someone, but rather realize that we are all made of and constantly require and exist as relationships that define the way we live in our world – therefore the more we are able to act, participate and be part of these relationships in a physical and common sensical manner without being driven by desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies and illusions, the more we will be able to begin changing the focus of our reality – from the distraction that emotional relationships are to a rather physical process of aligning ourselves to that which enables our coexistence in the best possible manner – no feelings/emotions required for that, no special relationships but rather the equalization and realization of who I am as this interdependence

 

to be continued…

Mechanical Heart 06

 

To learn more about how to establish proper Relationships suggest the Re-defining Relationships – Agreement Course  as well as:


389. Are Emotions Necessary to Be Creative?

Demystifying artistic endeavors and the experience during creative processes.

Continuing from:

 

Dejar de Sentir 04

For further context, an emotion is a usually negative experience that in my case I would use as a reason, starting point and ‘catalyst’ to create art. Now, one would believe that ‘negative experiences’ are usually undesirable, however in my case they became similar to how a person would want to hold on to happiness because of enjoying the experience of it. This is how I became a person that was more used to being within emotions rather than feelings – and the reason why being because I linked my experience as a response to me seeing the world around me and making ‘no sense of it,’ and as such having wanted to ‘escape’ it through my experience and my hobby, among other relationships and habits that were intertwined as a way to define ‘me’ as an emotional person that is too sensitive to the state of the world in which I would get to ‘feel good’ in such emotional states – therefore the context of this is to realize that an emotional experience even if it’s negative it is no different to being living through mostly feelings and ‘positive experiences’ as both are energy-based experiences that exist at a mind level.

 

Self Forgiveness on Emo-creations:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘expression’ based on artistic creation and thus limit the word expression to be immediately linked to ‘creating artworks’ or producing a formal piece of art mostly through drawing and painting wherein I would define expressing as experiencing an emotion or feeling within me and producing something while experiencing such feeling or emotion, sometimes of anger, sometimes of gloom and doom – most of the times – sometimes a yearning, hope, hopelessness and some other times just imagining what it would be to live in a perfect world, sadness – all of these I had defined as ‘my expression’ because at that time I had linked the ‘who I am’ entirely intertwined with emotions. This I now realize is not who I really am as those are emotions and feelings that I created a relationship with based on how I would experience myself within them, and thus how I accepted them as ‘who I am’ and eventually believing that ‘this is My expression’ which means an experience that is generated while creating an artwork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe at that time that my expression was ‘unique’ and that means that my constant ‘mood’ or ‘state of being’ as any of these emotions were my catalyst to express myself/to create – therefore that is how the moment that I stopped being hopeless, angry, sad or moody I stopped ‘expressing myself’ as in creating any artwork, just because of how much I had linked the two points in relation to my emotional experience. Therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my creative abilities and skills based on ‘how I would feel’ and as such determining and defining that I could only ‘express myself’ if I was feeling in a particular ‘mood’ and thus dooming myself to only ‘feel creative’ based on an emotional experience, without realizing that a creative process has nothing to do with an emotional experience as it is a physical act of arranging certain elements to create something physical, to develop certain skills and that has nothing to do with an emotion directing my hand or my use of materials to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the expression of ‘I’m feeling creative’ to an experience, an emotion such as sadness, hopelessness, anger or general state of doom and gloom that I would then get excited about in order to ‘let it all out’ in a painting or drawing or writing sometimes as well, which I see is all linked to how I would hear/read about other artists like painters or musicians or writers how they would feel a certain way when they would create at their best, and so believing within myself in a way that because I was stopping my emotional participation and feeling experiences, then I wasn’t going to be able to create ‘good stuff’ any longer – which is then limiting my creation to emotions and feelings and it shouldn’t be so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘want to turn back time’ in order to change my decisions in life, which is rather not possible and it indicates that I haven’t dealt with the fact that I chose something based on my emotional experience about it and as such I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to choose and make decisions in my life based on how I felt about it, based on my emotional experience and pursuing further emotional involvement in my life, without then knowing or even realizing how this was going to only lead me to continue being in a certain state of mind and ‘mood’ wherein I would have not been able to be stable as I am now since I had linked – back then – the creative process to emotions, a continued state of doom and gloom and be glorified by it – which is something that I saw was ‘special’ about people like Frida Kahlo for example who became a background influence and how I saw suffering as the key for her to make real art, as well as that whole blog I wrote about ‘You’ll need to suffer to make any real art’ as I realize that it’s about time that we as humanity move from linking emotions and feelings to creations that can become a supportive tool to realize ourselves, instead of glorifying emotions and feelings and keep us all trapped in the same mindset of being a ‘tormented sensitive individual in this evil world’ which is how I would see myself back then.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel creative’ when I was frustrated and angry for me not being ‘creating anything’ and as such the last time that I painted for a day or so, I was experiencing mostly emotions that I tried to once again ‘let out’ through the creative process which is rather like a mindfuck really because I realize that painting is a physical act of having materials that one use to arrange and imprint and mold and shape things in order to be arranged as a final product/ a final something that I create. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was incapable of creating anything ‘good’ without experiencing emotions such as sadness or being depressed and so linking my own stability to ‘not having anything to express’ or even ‘not being able to express now because I am not feeling that same way.’

I realize that it is about then dissociating any creative process from ‘how I feel’ or the ‘emotions’ I once believed I had to experience in order for me to ‘feel creative’ and realize that being creative is not a feeling, but a doing, a physical act of arranging certain matters and elements or images that I then use to create something that either generates a specific visual product or creative writing etc – anything that can be used to provide a message, to ‘say something’ through images or words or sounds or it all together. This is how then I see that my creative expression is linked to the media, the tools, the elements I can use to generate an expression, a message and that these are all conscious decisions and physical actions/moves to generate it and that I do not require an emotion to do it.

When and as I see myself believing that ‘I need to ‘feel creative’ as in being in a certain mood to create’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am limiting myself to experiencing emotions and not ‘any’ emotion but very specific ones in order to link it to ‘feeling creative’ which is not acceptable as I’ve already seen, realized and understood that ‘creating’ is a physical act, an intellectual process of picking elements and arranging them in order to produce a physical/digital product that I use to ‘express’ something, without this ‘expression’ meaning an emotion or a feeling only – but sometimes it is for the sheer aesthetics of it, sometimes in order to provide my own version of something I see in the world and this thus means stopping seeing ‘art’ as this emotional-creative process and creation as that is rather limiting once that I realize that I am here, I am a physical being and don’t really require emotions to exist and create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘something is missing’ while creating something and seeing it as ‘pointless’ because I had mostly defined the process of creation as ‘having to generate an experience within me’ and if this was not in place, then It was ‘useless’ – so this is obviously me as the mind speaking and defining what ‘gives it a kick’ as an experience, an emotion while creating something or afterward when seeing the ‘final product’ instead of realizing that anything we create is a physical thing and I do not require to ‘feel’ something while looking at it, while doing it or being creating something – as this would only be ‘feeding the mind’ that seeks an energetic experience out of it. So this implies that expression is just that, me extending myself to use what I have available to say something, to do something, to arrange something in a way that I decide it to be and with a particular purpose – and this is then only doing that, creating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the definition of something being ‘pointless’ as in not getting an experience out of it in relation to the process of creating something or the final product thereof, based on how I would deem myself as ‘having a point’ or ‘having a reason’ to create when early on I would have people observing ‘my creations’ and writing about it or leaving comments or even poems to which I defined that ‘It meant something, I had a point’ and so when all of this stopped essentially because I stopped wanting to feed this ego of mine, then because I knew I wasn’t going to get the ‘energy fix’ out of it, then it became ‘pointless’ without realizing that this is once again the polarity creation of me first getting an energetic-kick out of ‘my creations’ and then when I stopped generating this emotions and experiences around it, then I saw it as ‘pointless’ – it’s only the mind speaking.

When and as I see myself having the starting point of ‘creating something’ based on the expectations of feedback, comments or others ‘admiring it’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that anything I create is a process that I conduct out of my own volition, for my own support and to ‘straighten my ideas’ instead of expecting others to like it or praise it or comment on it, as this is already a conditional point to my expression based on ‘how others receive it’ which is usually how the ego that I formed in relation to ‘being an artist’ operates: doing things that would make me feel something while doing them, and also confirm such ‘specialness’ through the feedback I’d get from others. In this believing that without such ‘experience’ then it would be similar to rather doing nothing as ‘I would get nothing out of it’ lol, which is just ‘not getting and not participating’ in the ego-kick I had defined art to do ‘for me.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of ‘being creative’ to ‘being an artist’ and as such believing that ‘I am no longer creative because I am no longer emotional’ without realizing that this ‘linkage’ was created within the ‘who I was’ in the past and now I realize that being creative is simply having the ability to use what is here in order to ‘make’ something, to do something that can be supportive to convey a message, to be a supportive tool to illustrate something or sometimes just to make it for ‘the sake of it’ – however I understand that there is now the aspect of self-responsibility in everything that I create either at a mental or physical level and as such, I realize that doing something for the sake of ‘feeling’ something is not viable and not supportive – therefore I allow myself to see the word ‘creative’ or ‘being creative’ as what it means: doing something, making something from ‘scratch’ meaning using the elements that we have available in a particular order or arrangement to make something ‘new’ out of it – even if we cannot really create something ‘out of nothing’ as we always use what is here anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘because of Process I stopped creating’ when in fact it was me through my limited definition of ‘being creative only when I’m emotional’ that I then saw that it was ‘not possible’ for me to create while being ‘stopping participation in emotions and feelings’ and also because of linking ‘creating’ and ‘being an artist’ to already pursuing an experience of ‘being more than/ being special/ being unique/ having to build up this unique presentation of myself’ which are all stereotypes I’ve picked up throughout the years based on how I carefully planned myself, my ego/personality adding up bits and bits that would shape me into becoming the ‘special’ individual I wanted myself to be back then. Therefore when realizing the starting point of my decision to study art, to ‘be creative’ and to follow through with it all into a career, I stopped wanting to have anything to do with it based on my own self-dishonesty as the starting point to it. Hence the ‘hate’ experience toward it that emerged was based on me having to let go of that which I had first given a lot of value, time, effort to create – and so it was like having to deconstruct that which I had invested a lot of time, effort, money on and so believe that now that I have to deconstruct the ‘ego’ of myself that I’ve created as an artist, I cannot now dedicate myself to this as it would be dishonest’ without realizing that such statement is rather limiting as well, and nothing else but holding the same relationship of friction and conflict with it, instead of establishing an equality toward this profession and treat it like any other profession, instead of wanting to ‘scratch it out’ of my life almost – yet at the same time liking and enjoying even watching/looking at the stuff that I did before.

Therefore I realize that in order to align myself to this profession it is to precisely not look at it within the eyes and mind-frame of the ‘who I was’ as that is certainly not here as myself as the decision of who I want to be and become any longer, and it would be rather difficult for me to pretend to ‘feel’ the same way I used to – but this doesn’t mean that I don’t have now the ability to create/be creative and use any material, tool or media to do create something that can be useful to convey a message. I realize that most of my limitation to ‘create’ comes from re-enacting the overall cycle of regretting my decisions, regretting my choice of career and using this to stop me or preventing me from doing anything ‘creative’ or create something, which doesn’t make sense as it is only me in my mind preventing me from doing something based on the definitions I’ve charged to even the moment of preparing myself to pain or create something, believing that I should be ‘feeling’ in a certain mood, while I realize now that it doesn’t have to be that way at all now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind as the ‘who I was’ apply the usual extremism of ‘If I won’t get my emotional fix from it, then I want nothing to do with it’ which is kind of like a tantrum kind of experience or even self-spitefulness when realizing that I cannot continue ‘feeding’ my obsessions so to speak, and creating this ‘special aura’ around myself as ‘the artist’ or any emotional experience and as such, there’s also that layer of not being able to now use art to ‘generate these things for me, therefore I dump it’ and so going into the polarity aspect of denigrating it, seeing it as useless/pointless based on the definitions I had created about it. I realize that in doing this I do nothing but reactivate the grudge or regret or any other experience I had held toward ‘art’ or my career or anything related to ‘artists’ themselves, instead of seeing them and the profession in itself as a any other occupation in this world that one can use and become it in order to direct a new way to live it, to participate in society, to create and innovate ways in which change at an individual level can be conducted.

In this case I realize that de-mystifying the artistic-personality as a highly emotional individual is quite overrated and I realize that it was my ideas, beliefs and perceptions that shaped this definition within me and that an artist itself should not be other than a human being that can use creative processes at a physical and intellectual level in order to provide his/her own view of the world in order to convey a message, or express something that can be received by others as a way of communication.

I commit myself to be able to use any media, elements and skills that I realize can be used to generate a product or ‘something’ that I can use to convey a message, no different to writing and no different to being painting or drawing or creating images, as we can communicate in many ways as human beings, using different tools and methods to it – therefore I use what is here without defining it any longer within the constrains of  my old definition of art, but redefine art as a human creation that is conveying a message, is saying something and that’s it. It doesn’t have to me more or less than that which is equal to everything and everyone else that is here as life.

 

I commit myself to not link words like ‘expression’ or ‘creativity’ to only exist within the past-mindframe of ‘artistic expression’ but to identify them within the physical context that they imply which is me deciding to use certain elements and tools to make something, arrange something in order to give it a purpose, a meaning, and an intent within it.

 

I realize how these experiences stem from the relationship I formed toward art, meaning a relationship of separation wherein I would ‘get something out of it’ for my own mind-benefit and this is how when stopping that benefit – no different to stopping any other relationship with an individual – it is like the ‘shortage’ of experience makes me believe that it is ‘its fault’ or that I should now avoid and have to do nothing with the source of ‘temptation’ so to speak, without realizing that this is how we create our dramas as humans beings with these love-hate experiences based on how we would believe ourselves to ‘benefit’ from something, without understanding the actual relationship of separation formed in the first place.

So this is how through equalizing myself to myself, my ability to do/create/direct and make things is my own decision, my own ability and there’s nothing ‘more’ to it other than what it is as any other point that I create, arrange or direct as they are all also creative processes as well – no more and no less.

 

 

Trees are black

Suggest watching the following Desteni I Process Google Hangouts:

 

To learn more about the mind and how you can use your creative skills constructively to support yourself and others, visit:


386. War Crimes are Born in the Mind

A reflection on Errol Morris’ “The Unknown Known” a documentary about Donald Rumsfeld

“n THE UNKNOWN KNOWN, Academy Award-winning director Errol Morris (THE FOG OF WAR) offers a mesmerizing portrait of Donald Rumsfeld, the larger-than-life figure who served as George W. Bush’s secretary of defense and as the principal architect of the Iraq War. Rather than conducting a conventional interview, Morris has Rumsfeld perform and explain his “snowflakes” — the enormous archive of memos he wrote across almost fifty years in Congress, the White House, in business, and twice at the Pentagon. The memos provide a window into history — not as it actually happened, but as Rumsfeld wants us to see it. By focusing on the “snowflakes,” with their conundrums and their contradictions, Morris takes us where few have ever been — beyond the web of words into the unfamiliar terrain of Rumsfeld’s mind. THE UNKNOWN KNOWN presents history from the inside out. It shows how the ideas, the fears, and the certainties of one man, written out on paper, transformed America, changed the course of history — and led to war.”

 

When I directed myself to watch this documentary on Donald Rumsfeld’s mind I realized I was in ‘for a ride’ when it comes to being ‘face to face’ – in the cinema, with only some 10 other people in it –watching and hearing, getting to know more about an individual that has developed and affinity to justify wars, torture and overall abuse through his self-rewarding ability to redefine words and cunningly deceitful use of language – this means what he makes a word to mean, is what the word will mean and become, because he says so and so he thinks, therefore he is, and so he makes up his own excuses, reasons and justifications to make his actions and decisions seem right and be able to sleep well at night.

 

See, the confrontation for me begun when once again seeing and realizing how words can be used as double edge swords and how everything can be twisted according to how we define (read: limit, tergiversate, compromise, abuse and even harm) reality through words, and how such words become part of our reality through someone’s decision to change what it means to instigate war through generating doubt and the justification for such doubt.

When I first realized this situation in relation to words and how they essentially define our relationship toward everything in reality several years ago,  it was one of those shocking revelations in my life and I used it as an excuse to further my desire to step-away from ‘the evil man-made system’ and seeing words as human dictatorship. Well, this pattern was again experimented when seeing the absolute obsession and overall madness that Rumsfeld shares with us through this great documentary that Errol Morris managed to get Rumsfeld comply to do over 20 hours of recordings for it. I had too many questions as to how such a political figure had agreed to do this documentary and only through watching this interview I filled-in the gaps; I also realized how cunning Morris is to provide us with this ‘psychopathic’ view of a human mind obsessed with power and war and yet believe that everything is absolutely alright with it. I also suggest watching it:

 

 

Is it only Rumsfeld that is a ‘psychopath’?

Throughout the documentary I heard and read Rumsfeld’s memo-creations and how he would have this severe obsession to redefine words to suit his Machiavellian agenda, to make sure things would sound ‘good’ to him, to believe he was following a greater purpose where any form of actual abuse and plain evil simply did not exist to him, because to him he was following the right to defend his nation, to ‘do the right thing’ according to what he has defined ‘right’ and what he has defined ‘good’ to be. And this is where I could identify the massive cognitive dissonance that doesn’t only exist in Rumsfeld, and it’s certainly not only about ‘him’ as an individual only.

This documentary reveals the nature of what I’ve realized throughout these years is who we are and have become as human beings within our minds, a consciousness system that programs itself to define, shape, mold and forge a view of reality that in this case makes him feel ‘good’ about himself, without having any real consideration or I dare say ‘care’ about the effect of his words upon physical reality. When realizing this, I have to apply the golden rule of taking the point back to self and seeing myself also as a human being that also has a mind and that also has abused words and definitions to further my own interests, what I think and want to believe is right and righteous, without considering at all how my words, thoughts and deeds will affect others – and in Rumsfeld’s position as Secretary of Defense during the George W. Bush era, he became the decisive factor and voice that would call for wars that are till this day ongoing in one way or another. 

But, once again, is it really only ‘him’? Or is it the entire collective accepted and allowed disposition of such ‘power’ by only a few?A person in such position can only exist if the rest of the people accept and allow it. Therefore I realize that I have actually become part of the collective compliance to this discourse that justifies wars waged in the benefit of a few individuals, where trillions of dollars are spent on death and destruction, sucking dry any sort of solvency for a world-wide economy that is in shambles at the moment. And yes, even if I am ‘against war’ by becoming angry about what a few people can do in their position, I only further the problem by becoming ‘angry’ at them or the United States as a nation, since I have also come to realize how there is a greater-construct to this all where from the beginning of our time, we accepted this massive enslavement to our mind, to ‘the system’ as the reflection of our mind, one system that we are now beginning to wake up and realize how detrimental it is to life in general, and so blaming people like Rumsfeld for depicting the image and likeness of our current ‘human nature’ is rather pointless and without any solution to it.

 

At times throughout the documentary I wanted to scream and shout how this is absolute nonsense and how we have ‘psychopaths’ in our governmental spheres, but every single time as I was watching I would also bring myself back to see and consider the ‘bigger picture’ where it’s not about ‘him’ only, it’s about what each one of us has been and become as a mind system that cares about nothing else but our own self, our benefits, our desires, what we Think is right, what makes us special and in this case intelligent with the use of words. And that’s the trick, in his mind there is no consideration of the consequences, the actual suffering that people actually go through after he declares wars and ‘acceptable’ ways of torture, that’s because the position he was in became a nice money-secured bubble to evade reality and consequences, and such war crimes are justified as ‘defense’ mechanisms, which I also realized we live by at an individual level, where I can make any sort of excuse and justification to not have to take responsibility for my own thoughts, words and deeds.

 

And this is where I am able to also forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to react in any way with scorn, anger, frustration and plain disbelief when seeing how nonchalant this character was when speaking about how some things work and some others don’t work when being asked about war crimes, invasions and the supposed arsenal of chemical weapons of mass destruction he claimed Hussein’s regime had in order to wage war against Iraq. This is a man that – as any other political-figure within the current set-up of this system – has developed the skills to talk an entire nation into agreeing to go to war, believing that what he decides and does is somehow the right thing to do, because it Sounds good, it Feels good to him. He also likes to twist words around and say things like “The Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence” when being asked about the existence of WMD in Iraq, which can leave people pondering and thus complying to such possibilities just because it sounds like ‘he’s got a point’ – isn’t it? And so one falls for it as well. This documentary is an excellent way to see how propaganda is created and yes, it all begins with redefining words to our surprise.

 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to covertly use anger as a way to blame Rumsfeld for initiating the war on Iraq, without realizing it is actually blame for having accepted and allowed the continuation of this current world system where we only seek how to make the most money, to have the most power and in this realizing that in his position, I would have most likely done the exact same thing as it is about understanding his position, his context, his preprogrammed design as one of the ‘locks’ in the system to perpetuate wars and conflicts, using words to justify and excuse them because that is how I can make even the most atrocious act seem ‘right’ if backed with proper ideas, beliefs and justifications – I have a mind and so did he and everyone else, so it’s about learning how to self-forgive each other’s actions and instead focus on how to correct them and never again allow this to repeat again, I begin with taking responsibility for my own thoughts, words and deeds.

 

Philosophical egg

 

 

In Rumsfeld’s case, the words written and advised by him to the presidents of the United States throughout the years came to manifest the most atrocious wars and tortures that the US has conducted as part of their foreign policy of ‘defense’ – though,  he has not lived a war, he has not seen first hand the horrors that people in Abu Ghraib were forced to experience, he was not the one hung like Sadam, he was not witnessing what a detainee in Guantanamo bay goes through every day, he’s not the marines sent to kill and destroy Iraq, he was only suspecting what would sound right to do as the idea of being the Defense Secretary in the delusional ‘father of the world’ and ‘first power’ nation of the United States – a position we have all collectively accepted and allowed as well.

Can I blame him? or Should we blame him? Blame only leads to dissociating ourselves from the problem, to not see how it is that for another’s lies to become truth there must be everyone else that listens, reads and obeys the lies as facts, as truth and so blindly agreeing to it – and that’s what makes us all co-participants in any decision conducted by Rumsfeld or any other person in decision-making roles that reflect back our own ability to be directed and controlled because we haven’t been able to take such position for and by ourselves yet. Being a ‘psychopath’ implies a general term that can be applied to every single one of us, because the sheer fact of existing in the mind already makes us all criminals, liars, abusers, schizophrenic and self-interested human beings where we have imposed  an entire ‘regime’ with words upon reality, causing the problems that we are all facing nowadays due to not considering the consequences of our individual actions. The truth is uncomfortable, shocking, not nice and not pretty however it is necessary to stop seeing others as ‘the ones to blame’ and instead focus on recognizing my responsibility, our responsibility to this as a collective.

 

Rumsfeld’s obsession to always seeming to do ‘the right thing’ is what I have realized I tend to do when I use all sorts of justifications, excuses, reasons and beliefs as to why I want to continue doing or saying something that we already know is not so, it’s not beneficial for ourselves and everyone else, is self-interest based – but who cares?? If I say it is ‘right’ and it’s ‘good’ then it must be so because I believe so, I say so! A quixotic mind, a righteous mind, a conceited mind, a selfish mind… however who isn’t like that in this world? Who hasn’t ever lived within a constant experience that we are right and everyone else is wrong? when we believe that everything we do is for some kind of greater good without taking others into consideration…

One can only watch the Morris interview above and see how the one thing that Rumsfeld disagreed with the documentary after watching it and pointed it out as ‘a serious problem’ was…. his tie. That also exemplifies how it is that when we have forged our mind through believing our lies, and we become them, we can no longer spot the lie, the deceit within us, we can no longer see right from wrong, there’s no values or principles because all of that has been redefined to suit personal self interest and delusions of power. Again, sounds familiar isn’t it?

This is humanity’s grave disease, and so we’re really no different to Rumsfeld no matter how many might read this and say ‘WHAAT? NO WAY!!’ Well, again,  the truth is not pretty or beautiful, however it is the first step to then begin seeing ourselves in the mirror of Rumsfeld’s mind where I see I have tacitly accepted and allow all of atrocities when it comes to this world, our money system, our financial system bubble, our religions, our emotions and feelings, our thoughts, our illusions and imaginations in the mind as something meaningful and true, that which makes us ‘who we really are’….

I realize I am certainly no different to any other human being, even those that I deem as the most atrocious people, the ‘psychopaths’ can only lead me back to the marvelous golden rule: Take it all Back to Self – what does this imply? That everything that I say, think or believe about ‘others’ and ‘their mind’ is in fact revealing the truth of what exists within myself. I have no problem realizing this because it is only through realizing this that I’ve been able to then take aaalll reactions experienced throughout the documentary back to understanding that I cannot judge others because myself or anyone else would have probably done the exact same things Rumsfeld has done if we had been in his shoes, his preprogrammed position as part of the ‘gatekeepers’ of the system which in itself is a delusion that can only be ‘kept in place’ by collectively agreeing his position to be real, to be legitimized. Hence the importance of understanding cognitive dissonance and the use of words to keep our self-interest intact, to remain blinded by the meanings that we choose to give to words regardless of its effects in real life when lived out.

 

Casting-out the spells or Out-casting the spells

What I can learn from this documentary is how to prevent the level of personal delusion we all have the potential to live out in our lives. We all carry a mind filled with thoughts, beliefs, perceptions,  feelings and emotions along with the particular definitions we have attached to them, including images and memories as the decisive factors that determine ‘our nature,’ the ‘who we are’ as my personality, my choices, my preferences, my beliefs.  So, what I suggest doing after one watches or becomes aware of any atrocity ‘someone else’ has committed in this world, one can begin with being willing to be objective about who we are, what we have become, what we believe words mean and so begin a process of scrutinizing everything we’ve believed ourselves to be up to now as individuals and go measuring it all with the principle of common sense to see whether every thought, belief, idea/ideology, perception and experience is in fact something that is beneficial for oneself and others too. Maybe some might think: but what if you define common sense as something different to what you think it ‘should be’? and this is where we as human beings could redefine common sense as what is best for all, as that which will harm no one when lived out in physical reality. An ideology, a belief always has an interest behind it and that is already separation. An example is how the belief in requiring to ‘defend a nation from potential attacks’ leads to justifying war and war has become a profitable business. And that’s what Rumsfeld became an expert of convincing people to support.

If we take the principles of no harm, no abuse, doing onto others what we would like to be done onto ourselves then our ability to use words in our own common benefit can be conducted. However at the moment, the misuse, misinterpretation and deliberate abuse of words have led us to co-create this world where we’ve all suffered of massive cognitive dissonance when our minds, beliefs, ideas do not match physical reality and so,we further down the problem by adding more ideas, beliefs and perceptions to evade realizing the core and source of the problem which I’ve realized it’s always the consideration of taking responsibility for what I think, I do and say.

An example is how the word ‘democracy’ has become a mockery now, a ‘tag line’ for the United States of America to go and ‘promote freedom and democracy’ in any other country that isn’t following their preferred form of regime… and so what happens is that a word like democracy becomes an excuse for war, something that people then even say ‘they don’t ever want to hear again’ because of how it is being misused and misaligned to what it should really mean as the power of the people for the people. We haven’t lived that word yet at all. And that’s the point of sharing this all.

 

So in order to establish some common sense in what I think, believe and perceive is correct, I require to begin understanding more about my own mind, why we have all blindly accepted every single thought we’ve believed ‘we are’ as ‘true’ and ‘real’ -  why we have accepted a world system where we kill life in the name of an equally fairy-tale bubble-thinking creation called ‘money’ and ‘power’ which we’ve made as very real the moment that we denied food to someone if they don’t have a printed paper with a number in it… or how wars are waged in the name of making people believe there are ‘enemies’ wanting to harm others and so through spreading a lie. The greatest atrocities are committed in the world with public consent, because we collectively believe it is right. And also everyone that might consider themselves as ‘knowing better’ than following the political rule of thumb…  the sheer fact that each one of us possesses a mind and fails to propose sound solutions to terminate this mass hypnosis and programming we’re running ourselves by already makes us equally enslaved, mostly because we’ve still believed that by knowing ‘the truth’ already makes us ‘free’ – but reality works in a different manner where it is about realizing that freedom and democracy won’t come by waging wars nor by understanding the fallacy those words have become – but instead by implementing, building, creating an actual way in which to implement these changes in each one of us to then create them as our responsibility to this world and reality.

 

The title of the documentary is one of those riddle-like phrases that Rumsfeld uses to confuse and divert the attention from any form of truth, it becomes a philosophical mind game that blinds then the physicality of the consequences created by such word-abuse. And yes, I’ve seen how we all participate in this one way or another because I get results, because ‘it works’ and because ‘I get away with murder.’ Even the slightest belief, idea and perception is already using the same mind mechanisms that any other ‘mass murderer’ uses, and as such I can only begin humbling myself  in relation to what we have collectively accepted and allowed within our minds and how we’ve imposed it onto reality, and how it is through realizing this that we now also have the great and imperative task of taking responsibility for the lies, the cognitive dissonance, the belief systems, the misused words and redirect every one of them to become a true example of what it means to Live a word in the consideration of what is best for all.

 

Whenever I see myself judging, blaming, creating anger and stress out just by seeing/watching and witnessing what kind of lies and atrocities another being can express and conduct in a nonchalant way, I stop myself from pointing fingers at another and I breathe. I realize that I am only angry at myself, at the realization of who I am and have become as an equal part of humanity, a human being that has perpetuated the lie by existing as a mind wherein I believed that I was always ‘right’ and I could always justify all means to get to my ends, to not entirely care about the consequences of my wishes, desires, wants, needs and beliefs because I also have become an equal part of the game where I have lied to myself and deceived myself in order to maintain this world-system in place as is. Therefore, I realize that I am no different to the person I am judging and blaming or tagging as ‘schizophrenic’ and ‘pathological liar’ because this world-system we’ve built has been built upon lies, concepts, beliefs, ideologies that in no way make a direct reference to how physical reality should work.

This is how I commit myself to remain in stability and consideration, humbleness whenever I take a dive into another human being’s mind and instead of immediately judging them for all the ‘wrong things’ they’ve done, I can focus on considering the ‘greater picture’ of how I have participated in the same patterns and how it is thus now that I see, I understand and realize the truth and reality of what each one of us have done onto ourselves and one another in this world – from the micro to the macro – and the consequences imposed onto every living being in this reality through the dictatorship of our mind. And within this realizing that the only way to stop the reaction is to apply self forgiveness as the one thing left to do in this world where we see how far we’ve gone with our intellectual abuse of reality.

I commit myself to redefine words that I can ensure are able to be lived and be beneficial, supportive and constructive for myself and every other living being as well. This implies that I commit myself to no longer perpetuate the lie I’ve become as the mind, the egos of the mind, the self interest drive to obtain what I want regardless of considering ‘who’ and ‘what’ gets affected by achieving such selfish aim.

 

 

After I watched the documentary I wondered why not so many people were in the movie theater, and how we’ve been also brainwashed to believe that politics or seeing these people ‘talk nonsense’ is ‘boring,’ whereas I found it profoundly important to watch a vivid mirror of the deception we’ve all built and imposed around every corner in this world.

I fully recommend this documentary to anyone that can watch it, and this is how I share this reflection about it as a form of take another perspective at it, so that we can stop blaming, pointing fingers or developing further hatred toward certain political figures or people with ‘power,’ where we can first begin understanding what such ‘power’ in fact has been and how we can collectively debunk the lies and through doing that, create a more common sensical, self-responsible, integral and educated democratic society where our ability to redefine words and live them becomes the power to change how we live and interact in our every day living.

It’s time we break free form our mindful self-indulgence and realize that it will take great effort, discipline and consistency in order to give ourselves direction in our mind, to self-correct every lie and deception acquired by default, by virtue of coexisting in this same planet Earth.

 

DSC01874

 

Articles:

Errol Morris on Rumsfeld, the truth and “The Unknown Known”

 

To learn more about the mind and how to begin self-forgiving our current human nature, investigate:


382. Human Decay and the Wolf of Wall Street

 

One goes to the movies in an attempt to have a good time, to just have some kind of ‘distraction’ from the routine and simply sit and be passively absorbing a movie that is supposed to leave you with a good taste in your mouth… that was certainly not the case when I went to watch The Wolf of Wall Street, in fact it turned out to be quite a shocking social experiment that not only involved what I was watching on the big screen for three hours, but also the audience’s reactions as well, and that’s where the ‘cognitive dissonance’ situation started.

I decided to watch this movie after hearing from others how it would open up many dimensions to consider in relation to the world system and the lies we are buying and selling within our current world-system driven by money, where money is god and justifies any and all forms of abuse. Now, I have to describe the whole set up so that we understand why the reactions also ‘hit home’ in a way within me. I invited my parents to watch the film and I decided that it was a good opportunity to watch it in these VIP movie theatres because of my father’s birthday, so the whole plan seemed to be great and in a way it was, yet I kept pondering why the hell can’t we all just have ‘VIP movie theaters as a norm’ but it’s simply obvious that it would be unsustainable for ‘large doses of people’ to get this kind of comfort -  this peculiarity adds up to the unfolding reactions, as well as the ability of ‘choice’ that we have in our current system when it comes to what money can afford and what kind of ‘luxury’ we decide to give to ourselves, that’s how choice exists as the moment.

 

Wolf of Wall Street -Human Decay - Marlenlife

 

Why the title of this blog? Watching the film wasn’t something that made me laugh at all, it was rather a bit of a shocking experience, probably due to being analyzing every bit of it in terms of what is now shown as ‘R Rated films’ which is straightforward porn – and that’s in my eyes since I have little to no reference of what current porn looks like, other than the one showing up now as ‘soft core porn’ and your regular pop-star shows that resemble a bit to it – and to me that’ was also kind of shocking since I don’t currently watch many movies or series and I’m not that up-to-date as to what is shown as ‘entertainment.’ So, overall I was examining the film and people’s reactions that I then reacted to on my own.  ‘Raising the bar’ is the expression that comes, the laxity toward showing the ‘hardcore stuff’ is probably a morality point I have to walk through since I’m not that familiar with porn stuff so anything to me already becomes ‘too much’ yet, this movie is a true story and I have no doubt all of it and most likely much worse things take place on a daily basis in the lives of the ‘rich and the famous’ or wall street brokers.

 

So, the movie in itself exposes the nature of who we have become as humanity to the extreme of greed, lust, addictions, sociopathic behavior, compulsive lying, egomaniacs and all the disorders that having money in excess brings in the mind of a regular folk that lives day by day desiring to be rich, which is virtually anyone of us.

What perplexed me the most was when some of the most excessive, nasty and brutal behaviors were meant to be ‘funny’ in the movie, but to me it was rather plain shocking to see what was it that was ‘meant to be funny’ when in fact, it was the depiction of human decay in the 21st century where there seems to be no bottom to the pockets of the rich -   and yes, I wasn’t even that shocked when watching something like Fear and loathing in Las Vegas – and this is probably because the people in the movie are our regular ‘successful business men and women that ‘hit the jackpot’ without the rest of us understanding how such ‘jackpot’ can really only exist by committing financial crimes which is making money in illegal manners that are, not surprisingly, accepted and allowed in our current system.

 

Back to the supposed-to-be-funny moments, I heard people laughing in the movies about it, as if the ultimate human stupidity that comes with feeding excessive greed is something funny – this is a movie theater filled with ‘VIP people’ or people with sufficient money to maybe think that they knew what they were laughing about because of having experienced similar stuff themselves, as if one could laugh about human disgrace. All of it: my own judgments and having taking it personal, like many other times throughout my life where I wanted people to see things ‘my way’ and if this wasn’t the case, then I would react.

Supposed to be funny moments - wolf of wall street

 

All of this, is my own backchat, judgment, over-analysis and the reason why it is so is because when I went out of the movies the first thing that I told my parents was: How on Earth can these people laugh at such movie? What the fuck is wrong with them?’ but, the reality is that I created my own experience, reacting with shame once again to being a human being, to be living in a world where the life of ‘the rich and famous’ is something I have accepted and allowed and previously even desired as well due to environmental indoctrination of how we are taught how to create a ‘dream’ of our ‘ideal life’ and ‘follow it’ until ‘we make it.

If anything the movie portrays the bottom of where we are as humanity, becoming the lowest point in existence from which we can only stand up, learn how to live and take self-responsibility or cease to exist. The problem is when an aversion comes up, generating this experience wherein it is easier to think about ‘having everyone erased from the face of the Earth’ than standing as solution. For a moment, I ‘lost myself’ after watching the movie, understanding that the reason why people find human decay as something funny is because most can relate to what this guy desired and lived like which is like an empathic laughter from seeing to what extent a human being can go to follow the carrot on the stick, and actually trick everyone while grabbing the stick and making it work at your own plus-benefit.

 

shock wolf of wall street

 

I understand that every time I react even the least, even for a short period of time the point is to be investigated and surely with this entire movie as a huge trigger point there are many aspects to it that I see I require to dissect in order to uncover another layer of what could be the shame or aversion to being a human being, which is nothing else than a smokescreen, an experience that veils the reality of the matter: I am part of humanity, I am humanity and creating a judgment, a reaction toward myself means I am still separate from what I have defined as ‘human decay.’

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disgust and disdain toward the behavior of people that are rich and have ‘all the power’ to neglect who they are as living beings and as such believe they have lost all sense of dignity and self-respect, only focusing on following ‘their desires’ their wants and needs regardless of who they have to kill, abuse or lie to, without realizing that ‘rich people’ as the elite or anyone in a current position of ‘having more than others’ is in fact no different to what people with ‘lots of money’ do and think-like in their minds, which makes me no different to any human being that gets to such levels of human decay following the light, love, money, power which is what we all exist as every time we use our minds to think and only consider our self-interest, since all that who we are as the mind is and has become is nothing but the ultimate ego, ultimate survival system of ‘having the most’ to secure one’s ability to abuse others in order to keep making ‘more money/accumulating the most power so as to avoid having to take responsibility for one’s actions in this world.

I realize that we all do what any person in an apparent position of power does: follows the ways in which the least effort, the least responsibility and accountability can exist, where one can have ‘the most’ and ‘the best of the best’ regardless of considering at the expense of who or what one is getting such luxuries, comforts, treats and any point that one can buy with money in this world. I am equally responsible to this, since not everyone in this world can have access to such goods, not to mention the ability to separate oneself from ‘the horrors of the world’ by using money as a shield to blind ourselves from our reality, the sheer actual reality that we are separating ourselves from due to the ‘power of money’ which makes me no different to any other being-with-power,  regardless of the amount of money one has- that can avoid the harshness of living without money in this world, where some are not ‘recognized’ as  human beings due to being poor or being out of the ‘loop’ of the considered productive members of society or money-making-puppets that we’ve become, neglecting the life that exists in equality within all of us an only existing in the bubble of the mind that is constantly seeking self-interest, the most pleasures, the most ‘quality living’ which needs the most money too and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to criticize money in itself and people that have ‘way more than normal,’ without realizing that the current polarity that is created between poverty and wealth is what I have come to judge and criticize, since both polarities as extremes are not what is best for all. Wealth can be seen as a privilege at the moment, but the more one has, the more one desires in the mind – so what I see is required of me is to not judge money, not judge comfort and luxury in itself, but rather establish that point of balance within me and so within others so that we come to realize how we require a sustainable and realistic living behavior, since ultimately in this movie we can witness how excess leads to human decay, the same way that poverty keeps a human being unable to develop themselves to their utmost potential.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ‘aversion’ to what I perceive as greedy ambitious and lustful human beings corrupted by money, without realizing that money in itself is our ‘finest creation’ in this reality which exemplifies to the T what we are constantly doing to ourselves in our physical bodies every time that we participate in the mind, of emotions, feelings, backchats, desires, wants and needs, corrupting and abusing the very flesh and bones and every cell that we put through an excruciating pain every time we generate what we perceive is a ‘good feeling’ called energy, of any kind – whether defined as positive or negative – this ‘high’ that comes with power, with ‘having lots of money’ is not coming ‘for free’ and money in itself is the external representation of the abuse that we have imposed toward ourselves, eating away of our physical to feed the energy-systems of the mind, becoming our very own predators and at the same time  becoming completely possessed by that desire to have more, to ‘have it all’, to be all powerful and almighty, as the gods that have made of this world our image and likeness, the greatest decay, the most extensive separation that exists  within ourselves and toward each other, toward our reality, being a physical body that contains the life substance that is what is equal and one to everything that exists, yet at the same time being so separated, abusive toward one another and being willing to harm another in the name of money. 

I realize that the aversion perceived is nothing else than a smokescreen, a veil, a tunnel vision in which I comfortably exist within a momentary experience of disgust, disdain, aversion, anger toward ‘humanity’ or the general public that ‘surely watches the movie and laughs’ without realizing the obvious separation and judgment created wherein I take others’ laughter as an example of how indoctrinated we are when it coms to ‘entertainment’ and through movies pushing the boundaries of ‘what is funny, what is ‘acceptable’ to show on the movie screen etc. without realizing that all of this is the epitome, the creation of who we are and have become as human beings that have abdicated all sense of reality, where all that exists is who we are being directed by our mind, by consciousness, existing as programs that will continue resourcing energy from ourselves without even understanding how such relationship of abuse exists, because we have lived within the notion that abuse is pleasure within the frame of reference of the mind itself.  where any experience – good or bad  in the mind is to its benefit -  without realizing and understanding how everything we believe feels ‘good’ or is ‘nice’ is in fact the most consequential. 

I realize that within the extensive brainwashing that we are witnessing nowadays, a person that has only grown up watching the excesses of ‘the rich and the famous’ grows to see that as normal, as what’s ‘acceptable to do ‘ with money and consequently ‘power,’ without realizing that such move is in fact allowed without considering the relationship of abuse entailed with it and as such, finding it funny through how such depictions of a reality of excess are shown in the movies is then something ‘normal’ within our current mind frame where more and more we see the worst cases of human decay happening every day in this world, and most of it – if not all of it – being the result of having followed and fueled our personal dreams, desires that become addictive obsessions.

 

When and as I see myself reacting to people’s reactions by judging the reactions as unbelievable and unacceptable in terms of how I judge their laughter in a movie that I do not consider as ‘funny’ due to how I have judged the actions represented in it as rather sad, disgusting or shameful, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I then turn my own reactions as ‘truth’ as ‘how others should react to’ in an attempt to once again make people ‘think the way I do’ and so, when seeing that this is not how people’ mind operate, I react because I don’t get my expected confirmation that: this should not be funny, and instead react with the negative polarity to people’s laughter in this situation, just because I had already judged the actions in the movie as negative: disgusting, sad, shameful – without realizing that me judging such actions does nothing to change the origin and nature of what I am watching in that moment – judging it as bad, wrong, shameful, sad, disgraceful is simply fueling my personality traits as the ‘righteous judge’ that can point out what’s bad and good, what’s right or wrong, which is another trait of my mind and as such, it is of no support at all.

 

I commit myself to stop trying to enforce my judgment onto others, and as such stop my reaction towards others’ reactions when seeing that they don’t react ‘the same way I do,’ but in fact do the opposite to what I experience -  which is how I realize that when I am in the mind reacting, no matter how ‘subtle’ it is, I will always be playing the same polarity game and as such, I decide to stop any reaction or experience within me, and as such, also preventing any comparison in terms of ‘my judgment/ my reactions’ in relation to others’ reactions and judgments, as this only perpetuates the same problems that we see in this world where we remain divided and conquered, in our apparent inability to come to agree on ‘what is best for all,’ which in itself will be an entire process for each one of us to walk.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life be very ‘vocal’ and ‘expressive’ about everything that I saw as ‘fucked up’ and ‘wrong’ in reality, in an attempt to ‘change others by witnessing my judgment and thoughts about the problem’ without realizing that only criticizing, judging, blaming, pointing fingers, becoming angry and make a big deal out of what we see is ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ does nothing to solve the problem, but in fact it only perpetuates it further, since I am only using the mind to create an experience of disdain, disgust, shame, anger and general criticism without understanding the origin and cause of that which I am judging as a problem, and within this, I only become part of the problem by only adding mind-reactions to it, instead of investigating solutions within myself first.

 

I realize that no matter how much I shout, yell, scream and attempt others to see ‘my reaction’ to kind of ‘wake up’ and ponder their own passivity with ‘falling for the humor or good feeling’ of something that I have defined as shameful, sad and of utmost decay, I cannot change an individual only by seeing the opposite reaction to theirs, nor can I through my own emotional experience to how others think and react can I change others either. So,

I commit myself to be able to watch, read, witness social interactions, movies and every day life situations without going into this automated judgment of right and wrong, taking part in the polarization of society where we stand against each other in relation to what we support, like and prefer and what we don’t – Instead I focus on myself, understanding my own reactions first so that I am able to stand absolutely clear no matter what I watch, who am I with, where I am with and develop the ability to understand the origin of something, to relate it to myself, to stop any judgments about it and rather use it to constructively educate ourselves further about how we can change something in particular that we see is not aligned with what is best for all – and that will be an actual process of investigation: how we got ourselves to this point in our lives of maximum consequence, to see what has influenced certain behavior, actions, deeds in our race and so, without reactions or judgments, be able to establish a solution, which is what I am committed to doing here, myself.

 

I realize that judging, criticizing people due to the amount of money, power, superior position in the social pyramid does nothing at all to solve the extreme inequality we’re facing at the moment, nor will my reactions help others to look further into the problem either. I can only first ensure that I stop projecting blame, judgment, criticizing, getting exalted by witnessing – even if it is through a movie-a part of myself, a part of the reality I am collectively accepting and allowing, and that is actually fueled by the same thoughts, feelings and desires that we all participate in our mind whenever we seek something ‘good’ or ‘positive’ in our lives, disregarding what it actually takes to get it, who we are abusing to obtain it and how we impact each other’s life by it.

 

I will continue to disclose more on these judgments that come up at times, and that had become almost an automated-acceptance until I am able to be entirely clear and not have these fleeting ‘acceptances’ and excusing them with the idea that ‘well, I might open another’s eyes by me expressing my disgust about it’ because this only perpetuates the problem – and ultimately we all know that: that which we judge in others, we have to first take back to self.

 

Di Caprio crawling to car - Wolf of Wall Street

Bottom line: I suggest watching the movie to check your own reactions too

 

Vlogs:

Are You Ashamed of Humanity?

Economic Self-Education with The Wolf of Wall Street
Wolf of Wall Street Review and Response to Anna Brix

 

Blog:

152. Human Race Embarrassment: Shame on Us « MarlenLife’s Bloghttps://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2012/09/14/152-human-race-embarrassment-shame-on-us/

 

 

To stop judging humanity and start taking self responsibility:


279. My Ambivalent Relationship with Rewards

Let’s look at the word Reward  – and just like any other word that we get to understand as the physical and mental activities or inactivity or condition that it implies, we have to look at what on Earth must we have accepted and allowed for such meaning to exist.

 

Continuing from:

reward
n    noun a thing given in recognition of service, effort, or achievement. a fair return for good or bad behaviour. a sum offered for the detection of a criminal, the restoration of lost property, etc.
n    verb give a reward to. show one’s appreciation of (an action or quality) by making a gift. Ø(be rewarded) receive what one deserves.

 

The following blog allowed me to see the actuality of what this word implies: Mind Value System = Money Value System: DAY 275 

Quoting:

“Which then brings us to our Current Money System – based on a Value-System within the context of ‘Reward’ within the Framework/System of Consumerism: the More Value is placed on Products, the More Money you Pay – with the More Money coming from the very physical labour of/as your physical life force, and so essentially, you “pay with your Life Force”, to make Money – with the Money representing the value of your Labour/Life Force you put into it, to consume products/material possessions that are accordingly Valued in relationship to the Value of the Reward it provide to Humans.” – Sunette Spies

 

The only reason why we have created such form of recognition as an ‘extra’ point is because we haven’t given/gifted ourselves with the necessary value to stop this malarkey of having to ‘give us rewards.’ I absolutely agree and I am glad that this has cleared up to realize that it is in fact a word indicating the ‘extra-value’ that we fool ourselves with in order to recompense/ remunerate someone for their ‘good job.’ The reason why I see this as foolish is because I have considered that it is our task and responsibility to do everything that we participate on to the best of our ability. Now, I must say I haven’t lived by this to the T, I mostly only extended it to what I adopted/ believed was my ‘only duty’ which was being a student, and as such, I would mostly not see the tasks and assignments as ‘chores’ but as single points of responsibility that I had to give direction to no matter what  – yes, there was the ‘fear factor’ of ‘what will happen If I don’t do it’ and many times I broke my own ‘immaculate record’ just to prove myself that I can fuck around as well – quite a self sabotage pattern that I still see I play and which will be addressed because as everything: it is linked.  And now I see the relationship between the line we can blur and re-signify in terms of giving/gifting.

 

So, the word ‘reward’ contains the word ‘award’ and this brought up the memory of when my father would give me some money because of doing good in school – I’ve told this story before here in this blog but just for the sake of seeing the ‘reward dimension’ again -  so, I would initially reject it, because to me having the ‘best grades’ was not really an ‘honor’ but just ‘doing my job’ and this is where the whole construct of ‘rewards’ begun with the negative-imprint toward it, because of my father’s insistence on giving me money for it and how I would then, after a ride of mixed feelings and emotions about it,  end up accepting it along with morality obstructive-aspect of ‘this is not required/ but I also can buy this/this/that with the money’ – thank you Father!’

 

And so, this would happen most of the times that I had my grades given at the end of two months or at the end of the school year, I would sometimes not even want to share them with him because I knew he would feel compromised to say ‘here’s some money, buy your books or cd’s’ and yes, that’s how I mostly earned up my music and book collection, by always having this positive-score as a ‘good student’ and as such my parents wanting to ‘reward’ me somehow. So, within this we can see the aspect of reward: I can buy what I like/ an extra/ a luxury out of a point of recognition for ‘being a good student.’  And it certainly became this form of ‘secure fund’ in a way, which indicates how I obviously DID participate in the rewards point after stepping on my own ‘moral codes.’

 

The most usual form of reward begins when we are babies and we’re eating vegetables/actual food and we are given a spoon of something sweet in between as a positive reward for keeping eating. Quite a foolery really because that’s how we got used to always seeking for something sweet after we ate the whole meal, and if not, it wasn’t a ‘fulfilling meal,’ which means how we created this positive values to sugar and virtually discarded all the actual nutrients we would get from the ‘real food’ just because of not getting that ‘last heavenly experience’ of something sweet.

 

Another one is allowing us to watch TV/ go out/ play if one has finished the homework and as such, obviously there will come a time when full rebellion is sought in this restrictive pattern, because this reward system is simply an energetic trickery that is not based on common sensical understanding of our responsibilities and duties that we should have all acquired from birth with our parents as a principled living condition: I support myself because that enables myself and others to live in Self Responsibility – however this does not operate as such, and as they say here: we do not give a step without a shoe – which means, we always ensure that whatever we do: we will be properly rewarded for. Otherwise, why would anyone remain in our current Schooling System? Oho!

 

Now, here I am not placing myself as a genuine ‘common sensical’ person because I did seek rewards in many other ways in my life, however I am disclosing the pattern of attaching a negative value to rewards based on memories.

 

So, when my father was extending the hand with money as a reward for me being a good student, I would literally place my hands back and it’s like when you are a kid and you want something but at the same time you don’t. The reasons were because I grew up with this sense of Lacking money all the time, always wanting to use the least, to not use up much of our supplies, to be a ‘saver’ of everything and all of this was out of fear of making my father spend too much money on me. I have walked this in a mind construct specifically related toward my father whom I could equate to my relationship with money – from understanding money, how money works, how money flowed in the house, and me forming this constrained idea of ‘we don’t have much money, I should not ask for more, I conform with what I have, wanting more is greed and making my father spend on me is selfish.’ 

 

This I learned through observation, through hearing conversations, through ‘picking up’ my father’s experience when handing money toward my mother to buy food/ the necessary to eat/ house supplies etc. – the same when I required money for books, some school thing and how I would worry to even say the price of it, which lead me to this belief that ‘money is something precious and I am not that worthy to have this money be spent on me’– and I must say that my mother would let me know how I should not worry about this, however I was very tough-headed and stubborn when it came to me believing that we were really in financial strain most of the time and that I should behave with my ‘desires’ – even though it was quite a futile inner conflict, because I would end up getting stuff that I wanted anyways. This is how I can see that I created my own mindfuck just to create a personality of ‘the considerate one that doesn’t want to make my father spend more money than he already does on my education/ food/ sustenance’  – ‘the one’ because I have two more sisters and I mostly would judge the fact that they would spend more money than I did, and as such created my own ego/superiority out of being the ‘noble one’ that ‘refuses rewards’ while they would say ‘hey, if you don’t want it, I do!’  – which would piss me off even more because they were supposed to be considerate and as such, I linked my ‘triumphs’ in school with rejecting all the rewards for the awards, like having the ‘luxury’ to refuse what others would actually want – quite a character as you can see, it’s a double positive construct that implies certain aspects at the ‘world system’ level and at individual level:

 

1. Not everyone can be equally rewarded in this system. In the example I’m walking here, not everyone was able to have a 1st place in class and as such, the ‘throne of honor’ could only be for 1.  I had once a friend telling me: hey, give me your notes (paper with all grades) and I’ll falsify them, show it to my parents so they can buy me all that I want. Which seemed utterly ‘wrong’ to me at that moment and within that begun valuing my ‘self worth’ only as ‘grades’ within school, which lead me to feel that ‘void’ that I have described many other times in relation to seeking to value myself beyond intelligence/ grades/ school etc. – all this consciousness character of knowledge and information that served for one single purpose: to stand as one extreme of a polarity construct of winning and losing which creates this sense of specialness and superiority while others have to end up on the polarity opposite, which I would then also ‘feel bad’ about.

 

2. Getting the positive kick out of ‘rejecting rewards’ and building an ego out of ‘I don’t require rewards to move, I do it for myself’ which was Only to a certain extent also, I mean I got really bothered then when my parents thought it was all because of them but I also did it to keep this self-belief toward others as always having everything right/ doing everything to the T. No flaws – and getting rewards for that, quite bizarre.

  • It is just like in our current celebrity system, wherein people that already have Loads of money get all the stuff for free, because of sponsoring some brand and name that will in return give money-rewards for the person that gifts them the reward of, for example, not having to pay for expensive clothes and items that they can just ‘wear around’ and create a big hype in it. They are not for ‘free’ they are just exhibition items that will in turn give lots of profit for the small cost of giving some gifts. Money calls more money as a blatant capitalist saying goes.

 

4. ‘Winning’ or being recognized for an ‘effort’ or ‘service’ or ‘achievement’ is truly only an acquired value system that is supposed to act as a motivation factor for people to excel, to be better, to be the employee of the month and so forth and don’t get me wrong, it’s cool that we push ourselves to be self responsible, however it should Not exist as part of this recognition/ laureate construct for doing something that should be as natural as drinking water, cooking our food, going to do your work and responsibilities = it is part of what Living is. Within this

  • We got the competition for the rewards and the multiple dimensions of hostility, vengeance, envy, jealousy that stem from everyone fighting to get the great carrot on the stick

 

Thus, how come we’ve gotten ourselves to this point? Yep, Greed, superiority and specialness are aspects that are highly desired within a human being’s experience at a mind level. We have all played a role in it of course and in my case if we take this example: representing the ‘highest score’ represented the ‘greatest reward’ and within this, one’s actual dedication and work is reduced to getting money to buy things that we believe will make us ‘happy’ and ‘content’ for a while without realizing that all our school years and all our lives we are trained to earn these rewards in the form of Money – for what? To buy our life, and continue seeking to get ‘more’ so that we can continue giving ourselves our own rewards that we become so used to, and we justify with the ever-present statement of ‘I worked for it, I earned it’ and in this, we lose complete focus or even insight on how everything that we buy is created, why have we placed certain values upon physical objects as ‘more’ than others to create these ‘precious items’ that only Some can afford or receive as gifts…

Smell the money-god here?

 

Spot the nonsense?

 

Will continue dissecting my polarity-construct with regards to ‘loathing rewards’ and the ambivalent self experience I’d create whenever Anyone would offer some rewards, which determined my relationship toward money that I am obviously only scraping the top off.

Leave you with the key aspect that enabled me to see this:

 

“Your physical labour life force – is for most part, Not Valued AT ALL; humans actually doing physical labour are valued Next-to-Nothing, while human beings doing Mental Labour – are Valued More: here, the REALITY, physicality is valued not at all, while the Mental/Illusion is valued most. So, Physical Force is denied, while Mental Force is Exalted. Which is Exactly what we do in/as our own Minds: Our Imagination/Illusion is Valued Most and so we give/pay MORE of our beingness/physicality to/as it, or shall we say Sacrifice More of our beingness/physicality to/as it. Instead of Investing our Beingness/Awareness into and as Physical Equal and One LIVING – which is not a process of a Payment, it’s a Stand of Realisation and of LIVING. This is Why we don’t LIVE in this physical existence, everything had been Valued according to more/less Reward for which you must PAY with PAY in fact being a SACRIFICE.” – Sunette Spies*

 

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Blogs:

 

Interviews:


258. Spiting The System with Drugs

Continuing from:

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept drugs as a form to overcome the dullness, the dissatisfaction and boredom that is experienced at a mind level when living in a society/ world system wherein ‘there is not much to do’ other than surviving through schooling/ jobs, having relationships and no aspiration to continue supporting such an enslaving system that is binding everyone to an endless payroll, and through drugs/ alcohol seeking a temporary ‘escape’ from the reality of suffering and abuse, without realizing that within indulging in drugs and any other harmful substance ingestion, one is contributing to perpetuate the same system of Self-Abuse that one tries to ‘overcome’ through taking drugs/ alcohol and sex – within this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually see why drugs and alcohol have not been absolutely banned/ controlled from our reality, because it is the only way that ‘the slaves are happy’ – the slaves being us/ everyone living in this world system and having only the ‘right to life’ if having money in the pocket.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see why drugs – even in conditions of poverty and scarcity – are still an elitist resource to neglect one’s world and reality while existing as a justification and excuse of ‘the system is ignoring me/ I want to escape from this world,’ wherein a victimization is used as a form to retaliate against ‘the system,’ without realizing that the system is ourselves, and the more we retaliate and try and antagonize the system, we only feed the necessary polarity to cause further friction and conflict that generates further measures of control which leads to more extreme ways of drugs/ alcohol/ weapon trafficking as well as every other activity that goes hand in hand within this drug culture such as robbing, prostitution, gang formation, rapes, domestic violence, poverty, health problems, familial disruption and the list goes on.

 

I realize that the crisis that the ‘drug world’ is stemming from this initial belief of drugs being an ‘alternative’ to this reality as a ‘salvation’ from a physical nightmare, not realizing that such salvation/ little piece of heaven is actually the first step to get hooked on an addiction that will have to be maintained through using money, the same money that keeps this entire system in place which means that no drug consumption can be a way to ‘escape the system,’ since the very money – or any other activity done to ‘pay’ for the drugs – is directly existent within the rules in which our current capitalist system works – thus

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see how there is virtually no escape from our reality through buying/ consuming something that may alter our mind-reality for a moment, as this is equally supporting a business that is illegal, does not contribute to any form of collective benefit – such as taxes – it does not declare any legal profit as any other corporation that might be also antagonized by the ‘rebels’ in society that take drugs/ alcohol, which means that through enrolling in drug consumption/ drug smuggling one is being part of the machinery that is still accepted and allowed as an illegal business that actually runs more money than is often declared by major corporations around the world, which in itself points out how hypocritical it is to be a drug-consumer and dare to criticize the system and even use it as an excuse to consume drugs – without ever considering being part of a solution to create an actual well being that we are all aware is possible to create/ establish in this world – but instead, opt through the apparent ‘easy way out’ that leads to – most of the times – life-long addictions where money is required to keep up with one’s addiction, third parties are eventually harmed through one’s addiction, any form of stability in the system is lost and one’s money only contributes to the drug-trafficking business, which is one of the greatest sources of illicit enrichment in our society.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how it is through drug consumption that one inhibits oneself from being fully Here as an active participant in society that instead directs oneself to be part of a solution to everything that one wanted to escape from through using drugs/ sex/ alcohol as a way to ‘cope’ with reality. I realize that all the money, time, energy wasted to keep an alternate reality can instead be directed toward a point of self responsibility wherein one instead uses such money, time and effort to investigate how we are all equally responsible for how the system works, how it is actually greedy and selfish as the ultimate self interest to believe one ‘does no harm’ while using drugs – even if you are alone in your house – since drugs are the perfect slave-keepers that disable any ability to stand up within common sense to see How we can instead create solutions, and stop running away from the consequences we have created as humanity as this world system.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see how all complains about the system’s control, disparity, violent measures of implementing justice that leads to injustice, favoritism, corruption and any form of abuse, is used as a justification to decide to take drugs and ‘be apart’ from this world/ escape from reality and ‘flipping the finger’ to ‘the system/ government’ – without realizing the extent of suppression and actual evasion that takes place when one decides to instead of facing oneself and taking self responsibility, indulge into drugs/ alcohol and any other form of ‘escapism’ in order to ‘feel free’ and ‘superior’ than the system, without having the audacity to question why would ‘the system/ the government’ would still allow such forms of self-abuse as ‘acceptable’ in an underground manner, which should be the actual point to realize here: a massive business such as drugs cannot be left ‘untouched’ by the government/ elites that obviously know such business and drug-culture exists, but it is better for them to keep the masses/people with stupefacient drugs and remaining getting money to pay for them, than actually becoming aware of how the system works, why not everyone is supporting each other equally, why we have created a system based on abuse and such actually become a real awareness that is willing to change the way the system works – within this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how ignorant is it to actually claim to be ‘spiting the system’ through taking drugs/ alcohol or any other ‘illegal activity’ without realizing that nothing is able to be ‘spiting the system’ as long as profit is made, as long as someone benefits from a drug business  -thus it is to realize how naïve is to consider oneself as a drug consumer as someone that is ‘out of the system’ or ‘more clever’ than the rest of the people that ‘do not consume drugs,’ without realizing how it is actually the other way around, wherein a drug consumer is hooked on paying money/ getting money for a temporary mind-energetic experience while believing there’s some form of ‘freedom’ in doing so, without looking at the obvious self-enslavement that is created within this drug-addict paradigm in which we exist as humanity, no matter ‘where’ in the world we are.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the actual selfishness that exists within drug consumption, wherein one believes that one is ‘stepping out of the cogwheel’ in the system by using money to consume drugs, without being aware of how such money contributes to businesses that do not declare any form of profit in a legal manner, do not pay taxes and as such only create ‘clean’ integral amounts of money for the benefit of a few that have made the greatest businesses in their life out of human’s weakness for an energetic experience as a temporary high and numbing of one’s reality due to ‘problems’  – either internal or external – that are all generated at an individual level in each human being that has accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become our mind that is always seeking for an energetic experience to ‘feel alive.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the ways in which money moves and is created in this world, neglecting how banks benefit from the money that runs within illegal businesses of drug-trafficking and instead, decide to believe that ‘I am doing no harm with my own drug-consumption’ – without realizing that no act is ever isolated in a system wherein all parts are always affecting the whole through thought, word and deed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that indulging in drugs was a way to become a ‘militant of the truth’ wherein the delusions created while being on drugs are beliefs of self being ‘superior’ or ‘more clever’ than the rest of the society that doesn’t indulge in drugs – without realizing how drugs as a business is the perfect way for a few to make a lot of money, since we have accepted and allowed ourselves to create a condition of addiction to the mind’s experience at a physical level through chemicals and substances that create a self-experience that we have defined as ‘more’ than ourselves – and in this, becoming actually tunnel-visioned zombies that care-less about the whole-reality of this world, how it works, how money operates, what are the solutions to this reality and instead, one reduces one’s world to only seeking moments to get high/ get drunk/ take any form of drug as a way to ‘cope with a reality’ that we are equally shaping through our neglect and irresponsibility of taking drugs/ alcohol as a ‘solution,’ which proves the level of ignorance we have all collectively shared and adopted as ‘who we are’ in order to avoid having to look at ourselves as the creators of the world we have tried to escape from through becoming drug addicts.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how such a perfect form of control is able to be implemented by those with specific interests to keep the ‘masses’ occupied in ‘getting high/ getting the next fix’ – as this narrows down any possibility of actual human awareness of the system of abuse and how we are all equally responsible for it – thus

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see how it through the condition of myself accepted and allowed as a mind that enjoys certain experiences of emotions and feelings, that I become a potential drug-user which is not only in the form of our street-drugs/ illegal drugs, but legal drugs for psychological treatments and procedures to create an apparent ‘remedy’ to a condition that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to develop as ‘who we are’ the moment that we believed ourselves to only be our mind and equating life to an experience, missing out all potential to discover what life  really is when reducing it to a series of chemical reactions that must be constantly generated through drugs/ alcohol or any other substance that functions at a mind level, which implies that:

We are all equally responsible for the existence of drugs as a problem in our society, since drugs only function at a mind level and the moment we have all collectively agreed to create a system that only satisfies a few mind-systems seeking constant fulfillment/ pleasure through experiences of the mind we are all agreeing to ‘live’ only to experience these experiences at a mind level defined as ‘happiness,’ without investigating why and how we have to seek for such ‘highs’ and then drop into a low within the mind, and as such realize that the can be an actual physical and tangible way to prevent drug-addiction sin this world, and that is through implementing a world-system based in Equality, wherein our current capitalist system can be aligned toward a best for all outcome with equal-share of all the benefits that only a few get and as such, build the societies that we only ‘dreamed of’ and sought to escape to in our imagination, while missing the fact that we have what we require to do so, to live it out in reality and work together to implement such well being – and within this it is to also see and realize that

 

One will have to give up this self-experience of fulfillment and enjoyment at a mind level to actually focus on the matters at hand as the physical reality that we must all become aware of how it works i n terms of the actual social, political and economical system that has lead us to the current state of the world that one seeks to escape – and instead, direct such anger, frustration, boredom and resentment toward ‘the system’ toward a feasible and practical solution that can be implemented by political means wherein all common sensical living as what’s best for all, is always able to be identified by oneself.

 

It is thus to realize that there will be no need to ‘escape from reality’ if we all instead dedicate ourselves to create a world system that supports all beings equally as Life, creating an actual respect for oneself and each other to create a system wherein on one will have a need to ‘escape’ an actual heaven on Earth we can all agree to create through a democratic vote that each one has the power to exert within the  Equal Money System – it is about time we stop numbing and harming our being that is fully functional and that of others through promoting ways to ‘escape the system’ and instead, work together to make of it the system and reality that we have always wanted to live in but believed ourselves to be incapable of changing – that is no more.

 

No more Highs and, No More Lows.

 

 

 

Blogs:

 

Support yourself – Invest on Self Education at Eqafe and stop supporting any other drug of the mind that leads you further into the rabbit hole.


243. The Sublime and the End of the World

While listening to the Doomsday Activist Life Review, I realized that I had precisely gone for the exhilaration and experience of having a certain moment wherein ‘something’ had to happen in this world  as an ultimate doomsday scenario/ Armageddon type of event, because there were just ‘too many points converging into the same day’ that it was almost undeniable that something would happen, but what? I actually thought for a moment that consciousness would cease to exist that day  – lol – and before Desteni, I thought it was time for a major catastrophe that I simply ‘dreamed of.’

 

“So, it’s interesting that, it has never been Questioned: “Why are there so many different, varying “One’s” and each One believe itself to be “the Right One.” I mean, all the different Prophecies/Predictions cannot ‘materialize’ Simultaneously…with some believing in Ascension, others Jesus coming, others The End of the World by a physical/natural Occurrence and all the different Prophecies/Predictions are aligned with a particular Spirituality/Religion/Movement/Science and each one of those believe themselves to be “the Real Deal”. That, within this – human beings have not seen, realised and understood what all these “the One’s / Chosen One’s” have in common: they abdicate All Responsibility of Individual Human Beings to/as what ‘life on earth’ is/has become, and facilitate more as a distraction and preoccupation from/of Self-Responsibility, Life Responsibility to/as this Physical Existence.” – Sunette Spies *

 

To understand this point better and how I made of ‘The End of the World’  ‘my theme’ and favorite topic is looking also at some of the artwork that I made, which was mostly doomsday-like which I explain here  2008 Paintings portraying slavery of system and can be reviewed at the top of this blog in the Artwork section.

 

Even after a while I kept doing the same thing, doing series of different characters that would end up being part of this depiction of the end of the world, which reveals how much I was truly expecting it, desiring it, making it a recurrent topic and driving-force to be ‘creative’ just because I would get a kick out of it. This is what I could Identify as Sublime after reading Heaven’s Journey To Life blog that I will quote later on.

 

According to Schopenhauer and the ‘types of sublime’ I will be looking at are:

  • Sublime – Turbulent Nature. (Pleasure from perceiving objects that threaten to hurt or destroy observer).
  • Full Feeling of Sublime – Overpowering turbulent Nature. (Pleasure from beholding very violent, destructive objects).

 

According to E. Burke: “With his Philosophical Enquiry into the Origin of our Ideas of the Sublime and Beautiful (1757) Edmund Burke defined canonically its aesthetical prominence as the satisfaction arising from the removal of an imminent threat.” – Wiki Entry on Sublime

 

Last Man on Earth

Last Man on Earth 2009

 

I’ll place one ‘static example.’ This is the last man on Earth. And I would usually depict people having One eye closed, probably depicting that we have always deliberately ‘played blind’ to not see what we are doing to each other and this world, and this man as the last man on Earth turned eventually one-side blind as a result of having neglected reality. It also expresses the shame and regret about what we’ve done. His appearance is deliberately depicting our self consumption when living for the ideals of the ‘who we are’ in the mind– his clothes denote a battered ‘elitist lifestyle’ that has gone through trials and tribulations, some sort of survival point upon the death of the rest of humanity and animas. He’s standing upon a thousand words yet he seems to have nothing to say but his heart is beating and his lungs seem in a good state – he is alive. His hands have turned into the symbol that depicts life, he might be able to start from scratch to create a new world that supports life in Equality, if he can forgive himself past all the regret.

 

Continuing from:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ‘end of the world scenarios’ as a source of excitement and exhilaration due to the actual fear that I would have with regards to witnessing an ‘end of the world’ scenario, without actually taking into consideration what such ‘end’ would mean and how it is that we would be in essence drawing ourselves back to zero and actually miss out the opportunity to use what is already here as this world and simply give it direction within a new consideration, a new path which is Life in Equality,  and within this: there is no need to destroy/ obliterate the world, but we can simply agree to slowly but surely go stopping our current ways in which we are existing as world-system and civilization and consider new ways of living wherein we can start regarding the environment/ the ecosystem as an actual living being equal and one to ourselves, and within that, establish solutions so that we stop the mass extinction, abuse and exploitation of life in the name of our personal benefits as ‘progress’ and ‘evolution’ that is only the result of us disregarding life and using it to power up our mind-realities of what ‘advancements’ are supposed to be like, disregarding the fact that the life of human beings, animals, plants is not taken into consideration when only using what is here in the name of power/ success/ evolution that is in fact only the evolution of the mind, not life quality. This also implies that I only used this ‘hype’ to tag along and generate an entire personality based on this ‘death and destruction’ ideals, simply because it is so much easier to hope for the end of the world than actually doing something to sort it out and create a new start for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rejoice and get excited about a possible ‘something’ happening in 2012 in order to wake up humanity, and expecting some form of cloudy messy doomsday on a particular date, without realizing that within such waiting it is only a distraction and entertainment to not look at the reality that is already here and pretty much existing  in a doomsday scenario, wherein the billions that have no support from the system to live in dignity live a doomsday on a daily basis – within this (Watch ‘In Heaven everything is fine’ video below.)

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to romanticize this ‘end of the world’ for my own entertainment and ‘delight’ as that expectation and getting a kick out of participating in imagination as all sorts of pictures and end of the world scenes that I would simply dedicate myself to paint, because I wanted to in one way or another be able to ‘predict’ what would happen and as such, also depict myself as one of the last standing on Earth, being a ‘chosen one’ which is the actual desire that I had and wanted to fulfill as a self-prophecy that I wanted to witness, no different to me being expecting a certain ‘event’ such as a concert or a trip and generating the same amount of expectation and excitement about it, which proves to what extent I actually disregarded what such pain and suffering really Is and only made images about it for the sake of propelling my own fascinations as the actual fear that I had toward witnessing some form of ultimate destruction on Earth – which is what I will have to go through as what I in fact experienced. Sublime experience.

 

Now, I suggest reading HOPE – The Metaphysical Carrot: DAY 237

and specifically HOPE – the Metaphysical Carrot (Part 3): DAY 239 

 

I left a comment there with the following realization:

Concepts like the ‘sublime’ have become clear through reading this, which is something I would link to 2012 in the past, all of this from the branch within philosophy and aesthetics of an image/painting that would cause you this ‘sublime experience’ as an actual fear turned into a point of attraction/ rejoice – which is also what Mykey explained in #9 Demons in the Afterlife Interview – all makes sense now.

Here I share some on this point from the Wiki entry on sublime:

“Burke’s treatise is also notable for focusing on the physiological effects of the sublime, in particular the dual emotional quality of fear and attraction noted by other writers. Burke described the sensation attributed to the sublime as a “negative pain” which he called delight, and which is distinct from positive pleasure. Delight is taken to result from the removal of pain (caused by confronting the sublime object) and is supposedly more intense than positive pleasure.”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sublime_(philosophy)

So essentially, same mechanism of ‘hope’ but sublime is more focused even more so just on the energetic experience in itself, without any form of ‘change’ but plain delight/ pleasure and all of that which is caused when looking at terror from afar. What a great mindfuckistic reality we have created. It is definitely time to stop.

 

I cannot say anything else but, this is an entire energetic experience that I had been quite keen on, the point of turning a fear into a fascination and the ‘end of the world’ is one of the fascinations I cultivated ever since I was probably a 5 years old or so when I wanted to be alien abducted with my dad, lol which is precisely what I describe in that video, later on fueled by songs like ‘Spaceman’ by Babylon Zoo – lol. Now, I am reviewing this just to see to what extent we can turn fears into fascinations and even more so, making it a point of pleasure/ excitement/ exhilaration and entertainment/distraction for MY personal experience, MY satisfaction, MY own delight, MY inspiration, depressions and general lack of desire to live, simply because of being subsumed in this ‘I want it all to end’ type of self-experience, just an absolute victimization that has permeated my being till this very day, as I see that any form of ‘lack of drive’ is just because I am not feeding anymore my usual energetic experiences that I had linked to a constant ‘looking forward’ to the future, but instead, the hereness that I am integrating myself as is experienced as a junky going on rehab, that’s what is ‘tough’ about this process and this is but one aspect of what I will be ‘withdrawing’ from.

 

Even the music that I listened to like Godspeed You Black Emperor – my favorite band within the schemes of my last ‘music junky’ fanatic phase –  I could define as this type of ‘Sublime’ / End of the world experience- you can read their story here for the first time told by themselves, since they are the type of people that would rather not speak at all but ‘let their music speak’ and have a look at the type of mentality I was absolutely drawn to, which became my inspiration on a daily basis within my life some 6 years ago.  I’ll leave a couple of videos I made with their music at the end of this blog.

 

When placing all of this little world of my own fascinations into perspective of the actual reality that is going on, I see that I am still drawn to this ‘romantic’ side of reality instead of focusing on the actuality of what is here and focusing not on cultivating further experiences I might get from music or arts in this doomsday-everything is fucked-vein for that matter, but focusing on actual reality considerations that I can educate myself on in order to stop any form of personal-endeavors to cultivate my fascinations instead of taking Self Responsibility for what is here.

 

So I’ll be walking this ‘branch’ of my artistic personality related to the sublime specifically and end of the world/lack of desire to live in blogs to come. This is what happens when a single character such as the ‘tormented artist’ in reality justifies absolute irresponsibility that becomes a morbid fascination and delight and see it as ‘okay’ it is an aesthetic category, it’s okay to cultivate it. Good for you, little artist.

 

Must Read Blogs:
 

Interviews:

 

My End of the World video creations:


241. The EndGame Show: 2012

I watched Derren Brown’s The Gameshow episode which is a brilliant piece of what popular TV should become: a blatantly blunt and absolutely irrevocable proof of what we have become as humanity: full blown evil egos that have absolutely no regard toward the life of fellow living beings and dare to rejoice making a mockery out of another’s unfortunate lives that are being directed by the observers themselves.

I had to breathe in order to not participate further in further thoughts and outspoken backchat after one witness the whole thing and for a moment find yourself laughing along to what we have defined as entertaining and funny. This certainly made me realize to what extent we have brainwashed ourselves to have the most twisted sense of humor labeled as ‘normal’ to laugh upon actual evil lived out in the life of a human being that’s being secretly filmed for the de-light of everyone, even if it is entertainment gone educational, still running a show within the whole scheme of how it all functions through/ by money itself.

 

The game depicts the two options we hold in this world while living and interacting with everything and everyone here, as simple and direct as a yes and a no: to do what’s best for all/ doing onto another what you would want others to do onto you/ giving and receiving in equality/ loving thy neighbor as thyself OR essentially ‘consciously’ deciding to make another’s life their worst fucking nightmare and hell through your own direct ‘democratic vote’ to do so.

 

When the audience in this fake ‘game show’ are endowed with the godly-ability to direct what happens to a person’s life, and are given the ‘right to vote’ toward a positive and a negative outcome that would be taken on upon this man’s life – the audience, conveniently suited with masks that enhance their anonymity – cast their vote to massively decide through the majority rule vote what the life of the man would turn out to be for the night. This is a perfect depiction of how we are all nicely sitting on our asses, having our lives backed up with money in our pockets while we watch the whole planet and beings going extinct and crumbling down to ashes as a result of us having disregarded any other single particle ‘outside of ourselves’ As ourselves, equal and one, and only abused it in order to create a vulgar display of power where we are able to decide upon another’s life in a deliberate manner to feel ‘empowered..’

And! We are waiting for doomsday? Wtf.

 

Derren Brown - the Show -Evil Human Nature

 

The results are not surprising considering the inherent human nature that is Evil as the reverse of life. This show reveals to what extent – even if given the ability of ‘free choice’ as in freely choosing and deciding upon a being’s life – the majority of the people votes for all the worst to happen to the man/ subject of the show – what for? One can see the thrill as the excitement that is generated through vicariously witnessing another’s suffering and having the power to say ‘I made him go through that/ I deliberately wanted that person to have a shitty time in his life, yeah man! that’s some real fun, hey’ – Writing these words is already quite a criminal sentence, however the point that I am here to share, place out and walk through is how after watching this for a moment I felt disgusted for being a human being – again: a feeling/ experience created at a mind level as the usual disdain that I would project and cultivate toward humanity in the past, myself included, of which some layers/ dimensions will certainly come up as they are ‘stirred’ through external stimuli. I was a perfect example of how to loathe reality and still manage to get your personal interests in place. 

 

Continuing from – Evil:

194. Let the Mask Fall!

 

I realized to what extent it is relevant to speak about this topic since we’re only few days away from the great non-event that will probably only serve as an excuse to immigrate to another ‘meaningful date’ to a few years from here on – I will resume with the education point I had last shared until I lay out the latest discoveries of this character. I suggest reading the blogs listed above to get a perspective of my own fuckups with regards to how fervently I would dare to speak about things like the end of the world and rejoice about it, just like a perfect doomsday activist that I was on my way to become some years ago.

 

Throughout this Process I have realized that I cannot in any way continue creating judgments upon those that judge, that would be the obvious law of stupidity, isn’t it? It took me quite a while to grasp it and all I can say is I am applying and practicing to live humbleness after realizing my own fuckups within this aspect in my life.

 

The only reason why I prayed – figuratively speaking – for the world to end was precisely because I would generate the same type of disgust toward humanity to the one I experienced today after watching this show, a remnant of the type of thinking I would function in a 24/7 attitude in my past, and I must say that committing oneself to stop the continuous judgment has been a definitive decision that must be lived in every single moment that I decide to breathe as life and stop myself from playing the grumpy old humanity-Grinch that I had become. Obviously, it was easier to just want everything to be ‘washed away,’ sucked by some massive black hole or obliterated by some meteorite – in fact the word ‘obliterate’ holds the relationship to this ‘massive’ desire to end it all.

 

But the reality is that: I didn’t want to face what I had become, what we’ve become. I have written about this before several times but the whole death and destruction point has reached its peak, since it’s only a few days away now for Nothing to happen for once and for all.

 

You can read more  from the ‘Doomsday Character’ here:

 

Fortunately, I found self forgiveness and no, this is no  religious-sinner act here. This is about being profoundly ashamed of myself as a human being for what we’ve done and become, and be able to give myself a second chance to live, a second opportunity to start from scratch and I’ll never forget when I heard those words and decided from there on that I would choose life.

 

It is only through Self-Forgiveness that one can stand up from all the guilt, remorse, shame and all the psychological and physical heavy loaded guns that we have emptied upon ourselves, each other, the animals, the Earth, children, every single spec of life that we are obviously unaware and have disregarded while seeking for our greatest vilest excitement, which happens to be covered in sugar to disguise the fact that every form of apparent human benevolence is in fact just a blatant way to disguise our real nature, the one that can be ‘lost in the masses’ and be unable to be spotted as a perpetrator of a crime or a hideous act of nasty violence and abuse toward another fellow living part of this reality that is ourselves.

 

Can I have a single point of respect toward a human being that decides upon something really hideous to happen to another being under free choice? No, but I’ve become that as well. I have accepted and allowed the existence of a world wherein who we are has become the blatant DEMONstration of what the so-called godly given free-choice and free-will as the freedom to abuse and disrespect life in the name of self-interest as a human consciousness robot that knows nothing better but laughing at another’s disgrace and pretending there is some acceptable sense of rejoice in that. Seriously, we do that all the time.

 

We all seek happiness, bliss, joy, being content, peaceful, we wash ourselves in our benevolent acts of kindness by ‘helping others’ and showing off the super-whitened smile while secretly in the back of our head, the real evil nasty thoughts reveal that we have in fact no self-respect because if we had a single bit of integrity, we would tape our own mind from thinking any inkling of repugnant backchat and spiteful judgments toward another being. It is fucking ludicrous that anyone can possibly consider oneself as a good person, as any form of benevolent act in a world wherein our very actions on a daily basis reveal that we Only care about our own well being, our own family – fuck the rest! – our own jobs/ money/ security and let the children starve and be sold for money to feed their families –

Oh, but then again! we have our marvelous entertainment such as 2012 and the plethora of promises and hopes and positive wishes and apparent magical solutions for humanity, because in our minds we live in the delirium that ‘we deserve it’ –  Really?

We’re the almighty gods of existence here, with our elitist ways of catching up on the latest on world hunger:

About 25,000 people die every day of hunger or hunger-related causes, according to the United Nations. This is one person every three and a half seconds, as you can see on this display. Unfortunately, it is children who die most often. – poverty.com

We even got a poverty.com portal that we access in our laptops to check out some fancy numbers and statistics but  absolutely neglecting in its totality the reality of what one single reality experience of those 25 thousand beings actually experience in one single day of their lives – oh but yes, we are claiming we are empty vessels in full view and require some god, some major event to look forward to… wow, really, wow.

 

People given the free-command to decide upon a being’s life within the framework of a ‘game show’ while wearing masks to protect the oh-so-beloved ‘identity and privacy,’ collectively decide to inflict  the most hideous experiences that a single person can go through in a matter of hours – taking into consideration that such acts must be able to be broadcasted for pg-13 audience, otherwise I’m sure the evil could escalate a lot further. Now taking the same actions at a global level: how could any human being indulge in believing that as a result of a series of constant and continuous putrefactive acts, one could get some form of heavenly reward from a non-existent god as a result of one’s nastiness and brutality inflicted upon all life forms in every single second that life is disregarded and instead abused? How could such a being that is deliberately flipping the middle finger to another for the sake of a laughter in any way expect that some divine hand is going to come and wipe out the whole earth to end the suffering of everyone and some ‘special ones’ ascend to the heavens?

 

How can we as humanity, accepting and allowing this delusional and hypocritical world system in any way expect something GOOD and Benevolent emerging out of Nowhere on a single day that everyone seems to be waiting for, as if there was some mighty being or force that was actually pleased with what we’ve become in order to grant us the long-awaited doomsday. In and for all cases, we’re all equally and one doomed beyond measure for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become – yet this is not an excuse to say ‘it’s too much’ and then give up, as that would only indicate a timeloop that will have to be corrected anyways.

 

It is also quite a paradox that I have to recommend a TV show to witness our reality, simply because we haven’t been Paying Attention to our reality outside the door, but instead have to read about it, watch it through our HDMI screens and get a bucket of cold water to wake up from the slumber we’re in. Will we learn? Unfortunately as history has shown: we don’t. Even if millions die in world wars and keep the memory intact as if it had been in fact the most atrocious acts in humanity, we perpetrate and support with our very thinking-schemes a system that is founded upon abuse, our desires to be happy, rich, fulfilled, to be joyous and blissful at the expense of others, never minding about a single thing that must be sacrificed for such a ‘good time,’ because in the end we’re the ‘masters of disguise’ when it comes to painting an entire town red without realizing that it’s actually blood that’s been shed in order for some twisted idea of progress to exist.

 

If we could look at oil as the result of the actual processes in which  the oil itself was discovered and exploited, the suffering of the beings caused for the wars that lead to the appropriation of oil from some middle east country and the crimes committed in the name of this ‘dark gold’ as a form of quantum-memory projecting itself as you pump gas into your car, one could probably have a constant reminder of what our idea of ‘civilization’ is all about. Feeling guilty or remorseful or taking yourself to a point of wanting to commit suicide won’t do a thing, it will only make things worse because even such ‘decisions’ are made in self interest: only caring about – once again – one’s own experience and are no different in essence to a decision made to live in eternal bliss, because even death was believed to be a final-point to the book we’ve jotted upon as ‘our life.’ It is not so, definitely, it is the most stupid thing one can do as well as believing that some magic date will bring an end to this ‘torture in life.’

 

The reason why I am writing this is because I felt a nauseous experience about humanity again as I hadn’t felt in quite a while in spite of the amount of information and personal self investigation wherein we become aware of how we are Not in any way any benevolent act on Earth. But one has to be actually faced with this form of ‘entertainment’ that is revealed to be quite a blow on our face what we have deemed as ‘funny’ as ‘entertaining’ and ‘acceptable’ within the constrains of our mediated minds wherein no respect, honor and regard for life exists, at all, because all of the reverse to that is what sells well.

 

All I could think of is: I am here, I acknowledge what I’ve done, what I’ve created and propitiated within my every day living – I am no different to the beings that deliberately chooses upon the man’s ‘bad time’ on this TV show. Through my accepted and allowed existence and continuation within this system, I am in complicity to the thousands of people dying every day of starvation, I am directly responsible for the belief upon any form of hope for things ever ‘getting better’ or in the best-case scenario, or in the shape of my old secret desires, witness a full deployment of natural forces upon humanity, to just boil down the Earth to ashes – such self destructive thoughts are continually lived as our personal hells in our minds, every single day having to battle ‘the damned thing’ that is ourselves, foolishly so only battling our own minds as an experience.

 

No wonder the world is what it is, we rather cut down trees and put some shiny lights upon them and profess ‘love and peace’ for a few couple of days while massively consuming shit that we don’t need and call that ‘holy-days,’ really? Do  a research on the type of activity humans rejoice in such holy-days: massive amounts of alcohol, porn, drugs and any other form of brutal entertainment is ensued to ‘kill the dread’ that these ‘holidays’ are usually adorned with in a regular human being’s life. This is what we’ve become.

 

Now, feeling disgust and feeling any form of actual shame would only be me playing the necessary role for this massive mindfuck to continue. We all have to STOP no matter what from existing within this perpetual game of self-righteous acts of self-believed immaculate souls that actually ‘do good’ in any way whatsoever on Earth.

 

I, of course, cannot count myself out of everything that I am writing as I am writing this within the full awareness that I have not lived to the 100% that I would want to, but it still remains a ‘want,’ a ‘need’ and a ‘desire’ that is the same type of desires that can burn someone’s hands in the form of having the impulse and drive to steal, rape, murder or just commit some form of violence within the same impetus that the mind as an energetic drive creates within our physical bodies – there is no self movement yet, and that is what the correction will have to be if doomsday is to be stopped as any form of deviation toward the actual responsibility we hold as human beings toward each other as equals.

 

It is Not Real to ‘want’ to change – it is no different to wishing light and love, really. We must LIVE change, we must Ensure that No single thought toward another living being is exerted. It is to be realized that one cannot play the benevolent act within the current frames wherein benevolence is actually founded upon abuse.

 

We present common sense, the reality of how things function, the blatant truth of what we’ve become in an attempt to make ourselves feel special and unique and with some form of ‘divine seed’ awaiting to sprout some more industrial glitter to give head to further ‘love and light,’ in the hopes of getting ass-ended to the heavens of the 5th dimension – or as I wished upon – dying to forevermore cease to exist so that I would not have to face myself among such humanity that I came to despise, without realizing I was only staring back at me: self victimization as another entertainment of me and my mind alone.

 

We still have the ability to take the ‘Remote Control’ as a single decision to think, do and say what is best for all life, always – We can be carried over by this sense of deindividuation that takes place, wherein we believe that we cannot be ‘spotted on’ for not giving a damn about life, for not standing up ‘who will notice? does anybody care what I had to say? what I do and how I live MY life? Why should I place myself ‘out there’ for people that don’t give a fuck? Well, these might be well known excuses that I have participated in myself that reveal we have to actually make a deliberate action to stand up for life, otherwise the voices in our head will grow bigger than ourselves – in our mind.  It takes guts to be able to place oneself as an example of how we can take our lives from the very filthy bottom of the pit of regret that we get to when realizing what we’ve done, and have the strength to stand up and walk a daily process of self forgiveness, self introspection through writing and deciding to live and apply a practical correction in order to ensure that Never Again do we ever perpetuate what we’ve been and become, of which this world is the unfortunate genuine expression of.

 

Just as the people in Brown’s gameshow decided to NOT give what’s best for all as what they would want for themselves to this man as the main ‘subject’ of the whole experiment, we are living out that single decision in real life, idiotically following through with a system of absolute blatant self abuse wherein no one seems to give a reverend fuck as long as one is protected with enough money to live way and have some entertainment and some nice piece of land to own to look at. What about the rest? who the hell decided that we have the ability to have computers, be able to read or have our elitist lives to only be writing about all that which we have neglected and abused in our lives? yet, we are doing it , because it is what we have, it is the last call before all hell breaks lose even further than it already is, and not hearing what we say when we propose to Choose Life, Choose to Give and Receive what is Best for All, what we All would want for ourselves as the Real demonstration of what Loving our Neighbor should be, to actually create the greatest actual physical heaven on Earth, we decide to spite each other and mock the hell out of it just because ‘we can.’ 

 

Now, after all of this, going into victimization and saying ‘we don’t deserve to live’ can be just another ego game – been there, done that and as such, I direct myself to realize that any form of experience from the realization of what we’ve done and become is just another mind-game to remain in my safe spot of inaction and bypass stander-act that I have so much judged upon other human beings. This is where we realize that this all does not require further large faces and pretentious acts of ‘care,’ as the people at the end of the show reveal themselves to have. I bet the shock only lasted for a couple of hours only to get back into reality, probably still deciding to ruin someone else’s life with as much ease as pressing the button that will lead another piece-of-here toward their own personal doomsday. And still that’s a controlled act, but what about reality that is here where abuse goes inadvertently flying by under our noses every single day.

 

For that matter, this is doomsday to me: having to witness every single day through what we can read on the news, watch in documentaries, read from our very own minds is causing this world to go straight down the drain in  free fall with little to no common sense at all being integrated as who we are on Earth.  It should be a matter of alarm if you while watching the show decide that it would be fun to see the person suffer. And I questioned once the violent acts within the Roman circus with people that would rejoice seeing ‘beasts’ fighting gladiators and all forms of violence as entertainment – we already then knew what kept the masses going and happy: blood, violence, abuse, decay, that is the real show, our own game show wherein we’ve accepted that some must win and some must die. It is, to say the least, unacceptable.

 

So, I breathe and realize that the only way we are ever going to get through this is through learning how to Self-Forgive, learning how to walk practical solutions for every single point of accepted and allowed inequality, separation and neglect toward another fellow being that I have participated in within my life. Resisting or Judging Self  Forgiveness is the only way to actually redeem ourselves from our constant and consistent hideous acts of self interest that we’ve gladly cultivated without a question.

 

Time  to stop waiting around for a mighty and glorious end of the world as that is really just the festive act for the ones that are quite shitscared to face the reality of what we’ve become – I once was there in such lines, I’ve crossed the divide between projecting blame and hatred toward humanity and learned how to take self responsibility, which begins by me stopping m y own accepted and allowed continuation of separation and commit myself to LIVE, to integrate myself as a physical presence within my physical body wherein I learn how to honor each moment of life that I breathe and not participate in any further mind games that have the most consequential outflows upon life.

 

We are an organization worldwide that exists for one single purpose: establishing life in Equality on Earth through a new political and economic system  and currently provides absolutely free self support for over 5 years now of which I I have been a participant of with my own living-process that can be read from head to toe in this same pages you are reading this on. We present a never before given solution for the world’s problems in one single presentation: the Equal Money System, which is essentially doing the least voted options in Derren Brown’s experiment with people: giving to each other what we would want for ourselves, sure these people never took into consideration that such being is themselves, and how anyone that suffers in this world for that matter is also ourselves.

This means that it requires self education to learn how we can only thrive in humanity if we regard each other as equals, and for that we require to continue existing as a living-functional seed of life that has been planted in this murky sea of death and destruction. This opportunity is only lasting for a lifetime. If you decide that you would like to contribute to the minority that is currently deciding any form of benevolence upon others, join us, the more we unite in one single voice as common sense, life in equality and equal money, we can create further awareness of there being a new way of living, one where causing havoc in a being’s life is seen as the blatant abuse that it is and not something we can openly laugh at while hiding behind masks to prevent one from being seen and recognized for our true intentions that are the result of having abdicated our physical common sense in life to a mind that thrives of separation and conflict.

 

“And if you Dare to Live in Self-Interest, without Considering All Other Life as Equal: there will be a Consequence. That Consequence will come, and be Visited upon each one According to what has been Allowed throughout All Time. Man tend to very easily Forget to what Extent he Participate in Disharmony, and will use All Kinds of Ways to Achieve a Higher Consciousness without doing any Restitution to Correct the Harm Accepted and Allowed and Done in his Past Life on Earth.” – Bernard Poolman  – Day 240: Apocalypse in Heaven – ADC – Part 87

 

I’ve chosen to stop my own delusions and walk a self-corrective process in order to learn how to breathe instead of reacting with further anger while witnessing any form of neglect in our reality, as I see, realize and understand that me creating further experiences in my  mind  is no different to existing in the same mind-possessed mechanism that decides upon the very outcomes of life on Earth. unless we stop, this current highway to hell will only be walked fully with no ability to turn back.

‘Hopefully,’ 2012 will become the year that we stop indulging in any form of escapism and desires for change, but instead open our eyes to see to what extent we are actually causing our own doomsday and ‘end of days’  every single day that we reduce our living condition to a single budget sustained by a massive exploitation of resources and call that a ‘life.’

 

We Must Declare what we are willing to accept and allow and what we are not. I declare that I am not willing to accept and allow myself to create a single form of division within me toward another human being in the form of these ‘invisible entities’ as thoughts that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, and that this becomes the actual gift that I would want to receive from any other person: I stop expecting Change outside of myself and Live it As myself.

 

As for Derren, I’ve learned important points in the past few weeks that I’ve been watching his shows online, it’s quite a brilliant way to expose humanity and made as attractive as any form of regular entertainment on national TV, that is genius – and a great source for money as well.

 

Suggestion is: support yourself, learn what common sense in Self Honesty mean, as well as reading all our blogs from the people that are already living this as a living decision of who we really are:  Journey To Life 

 

“We can take these Memories, these Buildings, our Physical Society and we can Change our Relationship to it, and to Each Other to be What is Best for All Life and we can Prevent Apocalypse. We can Change who we are, what we are, how we are, why we are – and a New World will be Born. This Way: the Old World will Pass Away and we’ll Create a New World. Then, we can Create a New Heaven because the Old One has already Passed Away.
Will we do so? Unfortunately, at this stage – it will still take Quite a While.” – Bernard Poolman

 

I will follow through in the next posts with respective self forgiveness for that usual impetus I get into whenever I react in any way toward this ‘mass’ that I belong to as humanity, which was the main reason I plead for the world to end in 2012, Self Responsibility and the ability to Stand Up is what I got.

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“Join us at Desteni DIP Lite. The Journey to Change is Not Easy. If it was easy to Change, everybody would have. But because it is the most Difficult thing you’ll Ever Face, Real Change: very Few are Willing to Give Up their Lives as it exist now, to Give Up this One Life – to Produce on Earth a New World For All. That is the Great Service anyone can Give: Give up Self-Interest, to Serve the Interest of All, as what is Best for All Life. “  Bernard Poolman

Equal Money System

TakingMaskOff

Taking Off the Mask – 2008

 

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240. Inequality in Education: Everyone’s Responsibility

“the Education System that caters for only a select few Intellectuals that in the Teacher’s eyes are guarded as “special, important, unique, elitist, chosen” with regards to Intellect and their Future in/as the World System, with the World System again in its relationship to MONEY only cater for a minority / select few in their relationship to Money to be “special, important, unique, elitist, chosen”. And in this – the Teachers, and also not those within the World System, would ever consider standing up for an equal and one solution to ensure that All Children have an equal and one opportunity to Education, and so eventually Money; because we’re all so blinded by Hope/Promise in our Minds that one day something may/might Change, while we continue living in/as the systems of this world that is perpetuating inequality, separation and Consequence. All of which is the same that 2012, that those that define themselves as “special, important, unique, elitist, chosen”, would remain so in their Minds, in their relationship to their Hope and Promise, without ever questioning, but “what about an actual, real, tangible Equal and One Solution for all, within and as this Physical Existence”, and would not have a ‘care in the World about the Rest’…Only Themselves.” – Sunette Spies*

 

Continuing from:

 

I will share some ingrained memories I have wherein at the moment I placed myself to review the inequality I witnessed in the schooling system, the memories that came up were those that I experienced from first grade of kindergarten to 1st grade of elementary school – three different contexts and people wherein I created the awareness of there being people that had a really tough time within school, but, I did nothing about it, I simply stared just as everyone else and accepted the fact that there was something inherently wrong within them.  As Sunette explains in the quote above, I played that role of being ‘the teacher’s favorite,’ and have placed myself in the victimized position of being teased for being that, even if many others wanted my position: both poles or any ‘side’ for that matter that is not standing in equality is equally fucked, because even if you get the recognition from the adults, you get bashed by your peers. This is how it is so vital to expose how within this ‘good/bad’ student and everyone else in between create the basis of inequality within society, because one grows up believing that one is really a ‘chosen one’ to become this great thing and that there will invariably those that will have to be below you for whatever reasons – I.Q., economic standards, ethnicity, apparent lack of skills etc.  And I witnessed that myself. 

 

The points Ill share here are the moments wherein within me I went into a ‘cannot compute’ experience, simply because of probably wanting to ‘do something about it,’ but just like any other group psychology situation, I remained quiet, I accepted the outcomes without a question. One can say, well you were a little kid, but the fact that these memories are still here imply that I was in fact aware of what went on that it created an effect within me in order to create certain beliefs of people’s abilities and skills.

 

School system – Writing

What happens is that you become completely enthralled with this idea of success that one miss out all those ‘left behind’ that just like with ‘poor people,’ the usual belief is that it’s their fault, they are lazy, they don’t do things properly, they have certain nutritional problems and their minds can’t function properly, they just can’t ever be good enough, they are poor and their parents were poor and have no proper education – all of this is part of what I have participated as well within backchat, without ever questioning further why was this monetary inequality an aspect that could influence a person’s development in school.

 

The inequality witnessed in school began as early as kindergarten in my experience and first memories.  At the end of first year of kindergarten, we were going through our final evaluations that consisted of identifying the colors and some other basic stuff, and one of  my classmates could not learn the colors properly, he failed twice – or maybe more times probably – to differentiate them and he essentially was declared as the first kid that had ever flunked  first grade of kindergarten… I was shocked and saddened for him, I could not ‘get it,’ why he could not learn the colors and would always get it wrong. I remember others making fun of it of course, I could not make fun of that, but did think there was something inherently wrong because to me it was ‘so easy’ – but then came the usual shoving the point aside as an  ‘anyways!’ and accepting the fact that he was lazy with school work and he simply was inherently flawed.  He was taken to another school and as such, just like anything else that ‘came to pass’ I never questioned such event ever again until now.

 

Next memory is third grade – kindergarten – exchange student from New York, he was taken to my school since it was a bilingual one. I can’t understand how I was able to pick up what he was saying – or maybe I made it all up  since I was only 6 years old – but we got to know that his parents were getting divorced, he was like 8 years old but was placed in our grade to learn Spanish. He was in such an emotional turmoil, he’d cry in class, throw tantrums and everyone including myself would only stare at him as if he was quite the rare specimen for behaving that way in school which would distract others and essentially take the teacher’s attention to calm him down, also he would not generally be willing to participate with the rest of the activities. I ended up liking him and playing with him sometimes and found out he was ‘normal’ when not dealing with school stuff, seems he was only having a problem with authority and our grumpy teacher, who I must say was a good teacher, but extremely strict for kindergarten kids and was quite impatient, so… he suffered a lot with her. Lol he would whisper us all the answers in our English class, but obviously he did not do good in any other subject besides English,  it’s as if he was in school in an attempt for someone to educate him while his parents were missing out a crucial time of his upbringing and on top of that, in a foreign country among kids that cannot understand everything you’re saying, quite an irresponsible move from everyone involved in that.

We never question how the lives of such children will be affected  in their educational process at school by external situations,  such as parents breaking up and only reprimand them further for not being able to ‘focus and pay attention’  instead of actually learning how to speak with them and establish a point of support throughout their experience.  I do remember my teacher speaking a lot with him, I would get a sense of tension and nervousness because of not knowing what to do while witnessing the levels of instability he presented – one can say that in our  current definitions of ‘mental disorders’ he would have probably been medicated, not sure even if he even was already. He was hyperactive and quite a cool kid obviously, but it’s really unacceptable how we do not have any form of consideration and regard to support people that are mostly living out a consequential outflow of some parental irresponsibility, as well as an education system that is not designed to consider the individual’s experience and provide specialized support for them.

 

Third memory – primary school, first grade, 7 years old. One of our classmates that I realized was from a ‘lower class’ is asked to go to the blackboard to do some basic maths. Now, this point I have to make clear, I grew up going to private schools, this is a ‘common thing’ when your parents have sufficient money to do so, just because public schools here are not providing ‘great education’ and obviously, the majority of the population is educated in them. Proof is I had one just around the corner of my house and I would go to one far away just to have the education that I got.  And so, it was a well known fact that people with scarce money would go to public schools – and parents that would make a big effort to send their kids to private schools were then quite a rare thing to witness, but it was so with this kid.  So, he went up to the blackboard and he simply stared at it, twitching his eyes, running in circles throughout the whole process only managing to mark lots of dots on the blackboard, but no number at all, he was quite nervous, so much that I would get nervous as well while looking at him, asking myself how come he can’t do that basic simple operation! I don’t know how or why. But I immediately associated the fact that ‘he didn’t have much money, his parents were not that well educated, hence he had learning problems.’ He had lots of problems to ‘make it,’ he only lasted one or two years within the same school, same problem: too strict, almost zero tolerance to kids fucking up which proves the point of how throughout the years we ended up being reduced to a group of 7 people and that was quite the ‘perfect’ elitist learning experience, which is what I owe to greatly my current skills.

Just to give you an idea of what happens when you work in a reduced group at school: we began looking at topics that were meant for junior high – such as algebra, trigonometry, equations, etc. in our last grade of elementary school. We were able to finish our regular curriculum long before the scheduled time and so, we would go out to museums, factories to witness production processes and other places. We then would go out to eat, watch movies and so forth, lol, it was certainly not a regular  school experience, most certainly a privileged one I’d say – but I had no reference of other kid’s experience except through TV or something like that. which I later on went through as well and realized what a ‘real school experience’ was in terms of having different ‘types of people’ and everyone just getting along with certain people and still having the same fucked up hierarchical schemes of ‘good students and bad students,’ that remained a constant of course. Even in the reduced number of 7, hierarchical positions remained just because of how grading systems work.

 

So, we can see how the optimal point of education would be to not have a schooling experience like the one we have now, but maybe smaller groups of study that can learn the basic skills, math, language and have personalized support to develop one’s skills and interests. This learning process in an Equal Money System won’t be any longer motivated as an indoctrination process to ‘equalize people’ to a hierarchical system, but rather giving actual support to people to develop themselves.

Also in the equality system, education will begin at home with the parents, we are able to develop an equal stability that will reflect upon the child’s development in the learning process and throughout their entire lifetime. We can already see how this primordial flaws that begin at home and how the first days at school can define a person’s experience for a lifetime. It is absolutely ridiculous to accept the ‘limitations’ I have placed in this blog as ‘real problems’ or unsurpassable obstacles. Hence, we are here to definitely become aware of what we’ve become and how we have to essentially start from scratch to educate ourselves as living beings that are able to support each other to Live, because in the end, that’s what actually Matters within the Education process:  stopping linking education to survival-mode skills to make the most money through competing against others,  which is the enforced conditioning we currently call ‘educational process’

 

To come, self forgiveness, self corrective statements for having never questioned the privileged life in education I had and how within that, I inherently accepted the above mentioned ‘flaws’ and inequality while continuing my career to seek my personal interests and leaving the rest ‘behind,’ without asking any further questions.

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Blogs:

HOPE – the Metaphysical Carrot (Part 4): DAY 240

Day 240: Apocalypse in Heaven – ADC – Part 87

This blog is part of the After Death Communication Series

 

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195. The Righteousness of Evil

 

“And I questioned myself many times why it was like me wanting to simply ‘let go’ of such nagging experience, without realizing that it won’t just be ‘gone’ by me kind of only ‘thinking’ about it and coming to realizations like ‘oh yes, it’s the evil in me’ and turn around and keep going with my ‘life.’ Of course it cannot work like that, that’s precisely how we have lived as humanity, just wanting to brush-off, neglect and hide the actuality of our inner experience.”

 

Continuation to 194. Let the Mask Fall!

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to every time that I would get into an experience of discomfort and general uneasiness within myself to not further investigate within me what was it that I was experiencing, but only brush it aside, believe it would ‘go away’ with time, thinking that I simply had to just breathe through it and not look as myself, my own creation, my own reflection– which is another way of simply trying to cover up my actual experience by creating another ‘state of being,’ which would compensate the inherent inner experience of there being something ‘nagging’ within me that I apparently could not ‘define,’ with a positive experience as righteousness.

I realize that I did this without realizing that it was in fact the beingness of myself that was not being looked at in fact as the actual thoughts, backchat and internal conversations that I would righteously believe were ‘right’ and a proper ‘assessment’ of reality, never ever considering how everything that I was thinking and creating an experience about, was never about the environment but it was always about myself only.

 

When and as I see myself going into this ‘nagging/ discomfort’ within myself in my every day living – no matter where or with whom – I stop and I breathe – I realize that there is Something going on that Must Not be just ignored, as it is actually an indication that I’ve been thinking about something and not wanting to look at it, as that would mean actually facing the reality of myself as the thoughts, ideas, projections that I usually participate in, but that I had righteously believed is ‘proper’ and ‘acceptable’ for me to just ‘let be’ and continue going. I realize that All thoughts, All backchat, All experience that I might initially see as ‘indefinable’ actually has a beginning/ a starting point Within/ As Me that I must work with within myself to actually face the reality that I’ve become, instead of wanting to brush it off/ leave it for later and believe it is Not-important, while it is in fact in those seemingly ‘unimportant moments’ that the key to get to know the exact detail of myself really resides in.

 

I commit myself to stop brushing aside, leaving for later the immediate self-investigation through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application about an inner experience that I have generally defined as ‘nagging/ bothering’ which has remained undefined due to me not having deliberately worked with such experiences as an active part of my process out of Fearing seeing the reality of myself, but only believe that it will go away eventually by simply ‘not participating’ – I realize that One cannot just ‘not participate’ in it and believe it will go away, but see that if it is Here and coming up within me as an energetic experience – no matter how slight it may be – it is still indicating a point that I have to look at.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately diminish the actual inner experience that I termed as just ‘undefined/ bothering/ nagging’ experience as this ‘something’ that would eventually go a way and within this diminishment, creating further separation to see myself As that experience, because of the fear of looking at myself As such thoughts, experiences and assessments, without realizing how it is time to start digging into the ‘hidden corridors and dark places’ as I was suggested to do years ago in order to no longer be bound to a barrier that I’ve created toward what I see within myself and what I see ‘toward others’ as separate from me. Thus it is to realize that everything that I have held as a limitation toward Life in Equality as Evil, as the reverse of life – which includes morals, beliefs, ideas, preferences, judgments, backchat toward ‘others’ and reality as a whole – is what I have to take back to self, in order to stop projecting a point of separation through an assessment in my mind instead of taking responsibility for myself As it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an identity of ‘righteousness’ within my mind assessments wherein within allowing such experiences, backchat and ‘views’ upon reality became a way to also ‘slip in’ points of personality and the self religion that are the threads that are still binding me to that single aspect of myself that is not yet standing as an equal and one part that I have walked through a process of self forgiveness and self corrective application – thus in essence, still keeping some ‘Evil’ as the reverse of life for the benefit of who I am as the mind, leaving it ‘untouched’ as if it had to be ‘there’ for the benefit of my own self-believed righteousness that cannot obviously make sense other than keeping me bound to a limited existence as the mind only and not being willing to stand in the face of the ‘opposite’ as myself as well.

 

When and as I see myself becoming righteous about what I am thinking and experiencing and believing that I can just ‘let it be’ for the moment and only later on end up forgetting it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the specificity with which I have to become aware of myself is now requiring me to not just ‘leave things for later/ aside’ whenever the least energetic experience is Here as an indication that there is a point to work with, which will be mostly regarding something that is still an aspect I have not dared to look within myself, because of having lived a life of constantly projecting/ assessing/ analyzing others without seeing how it all was in fact about myself.

 

I realize the nagging experience has been going through quick processes of assessing the moment as people, places, events, situation wherein I quickly ‘make up my mind’ about who I am within such experiences/ moments and within that, not allowing me to see that everything that I have in fact assessed is only revealing me to myself, as it cannot be ‘how things are’ when getting an experience out of it – thus it is to not look at it as separate from me, as this is the grave mistake that I’ve made and lived as the evil wherein I had washed my hands from ‘assessing’ reality, while neglecting the fact that I have to work with the point myself in order to then be aware of ‘who I am’ as such point, walk the correction and as such, be able to support myself and others equally not from the vantage point of simply judging, but identifying who am I within this assessment, what is my experience, walk the correction so that I can stand clear and self directive instead of reacting to my own suppressed patterns and projecting it onto others/ reality.

 

I realize that the most effective way to walk this process is always taking the points back to self in order to see if there is any experience coming up and within this, being willing to face Within Me that which I thought, believed or consider ‘does not exist in me,’ which is a defense mechanism of the mind in order to remain in a righteous position about myself in reality, which can only exist as ego.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this prefabricated/ default position of being ‘good/ right’ and always having the ‘right assessment’ over myself and reality wherein anything/ anyone that may contradict so would be assessed as them speaking of their own weakness, without realizing that such weakness and assessment to ‘win over’ the situation is in fact the aspects that stand as the evil that do not allow ourselves to get to an equal agreement of how to proceed/ work as equals in order to coexist within principles that are best for all, instead of creating further conflict and hidden judgment and accumulation of experiences Toward other beings, simply because of not allowing ourselves to let go of the righteousness that is indicating the ego of the mind of ‘always being right’ as opposed to walking in humbleness which means being willing to face ourselves as the actual evil-assessment/ backchat/ thoughts toward an event, person/ situation to in fact see what it is that we are still playing out as a character that always wants to win/ be right / get the most out of a situation, which is always the aspect that leads to an unequal result.

 

When and as I see myself being righteous about a position without taking the necessary moment to bring the point back to myself, place myself in the shoes of the person/ situation, realize who I am within it and how I can direct it to an equal and one outcome that will always result in what’s best for all.

 

I commit myself to realize that whenever I am making an assessment of my reality is an actual mirror of myself and what I am existing as, and as such, if this assessment contains an energetic experience/ possession about something or someone, it is indicating that I am not yet standing clear as one and equal to the point, but that I require to first look at myself as such assessment, walk the necessary self forgiveness in order to realize that the experience is not about the being/ situation/ event in itself, but it’s actually myself and an indication that I require to take responsibility for my reaction/ experience before allowing myself to make a decision on how to direct myself. Within this is to ensure that I take the necessary moment/ time for this, instead of wanting to immediately come up with a solution that is also part of the ego-rushing desire to do things right away/ immediately which leads to further time loops is there is not an ability yet to see directly in an equal and one consideration of the situation/ people/ event.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a constant denial of these ‘assessments’ made toward other beings being in fact only about myself and within this, believing that I had nothing to ‘do about it’ because it was apparently ‘not me’ – however, it is actually an indication of the self-righteousness that exist toward our identification with our thoughts/ experiences having a ‘right to exist’ instead of realizing that as long as I am taking a position that is only benefitting my own deliberate neglect to who I am as my mind, I am in fact not standing equal and one to my reality/ environment and require to take the point back to self, to ensure that I am actually seeing Myself first, correcting me first instead of immediately projecting it onto others to not do the process of self-correction myself, which is rather foolish when looking at it as is.

 

When and as I see myself denying seeing myself within every single thought and experience that I have projected onto others – I stop and I breathe – I realize that who I have become is nothing else but the accumulation of these thoughts and experiences that I have projected onto others in means of defending myself as my own mind from realizing that I am in fact all of which I think about ‘others’/ an external point and reality. Thus

 

I commit myself to see how as long as there are points that I am not immediately taking back to self to walk the process of self correction, the nagging experience will continue as it is the accumulation of me having brushed aside/ left for later/ deliberately neglected moments where the actual key to realizing who I am as the person/ environment/ situation exists as myself – this is within the understanding that as long as I hold a right/ wrong and good/bad position toward another, I am still reflecting the limited version of myself that is not yet fully standing equal and one as everything and everyone, no matter how ‘harsh’ or how ‘bad’ or how ‘evil’ it may seem, as it is precisely the harsh, evil, bad, negative, pessimistic aspect that I have projected and dissociated from myself in my mind so as to not have to take responsibility for it – thus I commit myself to take responsibility for every single thought, belief, idea of myself as being ‘right’ and ‘the good person’ at all times with the ‘right judgment’ which leads to a ego position that is not willing to look at ‘the bad/ negative/ pessimistic’ that I must ensure I walk as myself in order to not allow such judgments to stand in the way of becoming a point that is able to stand one and equal to all parts of reality without separation – and this is what it is to be facing the ‘Evil’ as ourselves, as I finally understand that as long as we keep the least idea, belief or perception of something/ someone being a single definition that stands in separation of ourselves as equals, I am part of the separation that maintains this entire world system as is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the righteousness that I’ve held has been in fact the evil aspect that has refrained me from standing one and equal as everything/ all here, because as long as I hold a value, judgment, belief and thought projected onto others believing that it is not about myself, the righteousness is preventing my own self-understanding/ seeing as one and equal – which indicates the reverse of Live as Evil that must be scrutinized as our own mind which actually allows me to see every moment what is it that I am separating myself from, as these are all indicated through the thoughts, experiences and reactions I hold toward others/ reality which is myself.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am not responsible for the thoughts that I have because of them being an ‘assessment’ upon others/ reality, I stop and I breathe  I realize that self responsibility for everything we do, say, speak must be absolute so that I can in fact stand as an equal and one part of myself – because as long as a single value, judgment, belief, thought, experience is created upon reality, it indicates that personality/  ego is still being the directive force and not self as the unconditional stance of the physicality that I  am.

 

I commit myself to take the necessary breaths and moment to ensure that whatever I voice/ think and do is standing as an expression of myself that I can stand as for eternity – and that my single belief of this being ‘too far fetched’ to say ‘eternity’ is actually a point of ego that I must also walk through in order to stand as the full authority that I’ve abdicated as part of the evil/ reverse of living that I have believed myself to be wherein I have been limiting my own Write-ousness to right myself as that which I am willing to be/ stand as life/what is here as myself, without the ‘nagging’ limitation of me being only ‘in a process’ and placing the point of self realization as some ‘future outcome’ instead of seeing it as myself, here, as  I breathe, one and equal. 

 

 

Now, this is  a general Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application with regards to who I have been as a particular character that would stand as righteous within the ‘good/ positive’ aspect, taking a vantage position within that in order to not have to face every single judgment I made upon others as myself. Thus, the next step and process is to the denial of the evil within my reality and how I would only ‘cope with it’ existing in actual fear to realize that exists as myself as well, also who I am toward the relationships that I formed as a point of attraction due to the separation that I was existing as toward my own ‘evil side’ myself, and as such creating an energetic relationship to it through people/ things/ habits/ places, etc.  in order for me to not have to face it as myself, but always remain on the ‘safe side’ of the observer that is mostly an egotistical position toward our reality, as we cannot claim we are not part of something that is already here as ourselves.

 

Thus, I’ll continue deconstructing the righteousness/ goodness personality in relation to the ‘evil’ projected onto others/ the world instead of seeing it directly first as myself and walking the self correction within it to finally stand as one and equal to all parts and all aspects of myself.

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