279. My Ambivalent Relationship with Rewards

Let’s look at the word Reward  – and just like any other word that we get to understand as the physical and mental activities or inactivity or condition that it implies, we have to look at what on Earth must we have accepted and allowed for such meaning to exist.

 

Continuing from:

• 278. Judging what’s Best because not Everyone Can Have it
• 277. Finding it Hard to Accept Rewards

reward
n    noun a thing given in recognition of service, effort, or achievement. a fair return for good or bad behaviour. a sum offered for the detection of a criminal, the restoration of lost property, etc.
n    verb give a reward to. show one’s appreciation of (an action or quality) by making a gift. Ø(be rewarded) receive what one deserves.

 

The following blog allowed me to see the actuality of what this word implies: Mind Value System = Money Value System: DAY 275 

Quoting:

“Which then brings us to our Current Money System – based on a Value-System within the context of ‘Reward’ within the Framework/System of Consumerism: the More Value is placed on Products, the More Money you Pay – with the More Money coming from the very physical labour of/as your physical life force, and so essentially, you “pay with your Life Force”, to make Money – with the Money representing the value of your Labour/Life Force you put into it, to consume products/material possessions that are accordingly Valued in relationship to the Value of the Reward it provide to Humans.” – Sunette Spies

 

The only reason why we have created such form of recognition as an ‘extra’ point is because we haven’t given/gifted ourselves with the necessary value to stop this malarkey of having to ‘give us rewards.’ I absolutely agree and I am glad that this has cleared up to realize that it is in fact a word indicating the ‘extra-value’ that we fool ourselves with in order to recompense/ remunerate someone for their ‘good job.’ The reason why I see this as foolish is because I have considered that it is our task and responsibility to do everything that we participate on to the best of our ability. Now, I must say I haven’t lived by this to the T, I mostly only extended it to what I adopted/ believed was my ‘only duty’ which was being a student, and as such, I would mostly not see the tasks and assignments as ‘chores’ but as single points of responsibility that I had to give direction to no matter what  – yes, there was the ‘fear factor’ of ‘what will happen If I don’t do it’ and many times I broke my own ‘immaculate record’ just to prove myself that I can fuck around as well – quite a self sabotage pattern that I still see I play and which will be addressed because as everything: it is linked.  And now I see the relationship between the line we can blur and re-signify in terms of giving/gifting.

 

So, the word ‘reward’ contains the word ‘award’ and this brought up the memory of when my father would give me some money because of doing good in school – I’ve told this story before here in this blog but just for the sake of seeing the ‘reward dimension’ again -  so, I would initially reject it, because to me having the ‘best grades’ was not really an ‘honor’ but just ‘doing my job’ and this is where the whole construct of ‘rewards’ begun with the negative-imprint toward it, because of my father’s insistence on giving me money for it and how I would then, after a ride of mixed feelings and emotions about it,  end up accepting it along with morality obstructive-aspect of ‘this is not required/ but I also can buy this/this/that with the money’ – thank you Father!’

 

And so, this would happen most of the times that I had my grades given at the end of two months or at the end of the school year, I would sometimes not even want to share them with him because I knew he would feel compromised to say ‘here’s some money, buy your books or cd’s’ and yes, that’s how I mostly earned up my music and book collection, by always having this positive-score as a ‘good student’ and as such my parents wanting to ‘reward’ me somehow. So, within this we can see the aspect of reward: I can buy what I like/ an extra/ a luxury out of a point of recognition for ‘being a good student.’  And it certainly became this form of ‘secure fund’ in a way, which indicates how I obviously DID participate in the rewards point after stepping on my own ‘moral codes.’

 

The most usual form of reward begins when we are babies and we’re eating vegetables/actual food and we are given a spoon of something sweet in between as a positive reward for keeping eating. Quite a foolery really because that’s how we got used to always seeking for something sweet after we ate the whole meal, and if not, it wasn’t a ‘fulfilling meal,’ which means how we created this positive values to sugar and virtually discarded all the actual nutrients we would get from the ‘real food’ just because of not getting that ‘last heavenly experience’ of something sweet.

 

Another one is allowing us to watch TV/ go out/ play if one has finished the homework and as such, obviously there will come a time when full rebellion is sought in this restrictive pattern, because this reward system is simply an energetic trickery that is not based on common sensical understanding of our responsibilities and duties that we should have all acquired from birth with our parents as a principled living condition: I support myself because that enables myself and others to live in Self Responsibility – however this does not operate as such, and as they say here: we do not give a step without a shoe – which means, we always ensure that whatever we do: we will be properly rewarded for. Otherwise, why would anyone remain in our current Schooling System? Oho!

 

Now, here I am not placing myself as a genuine ‘common sensical’ person because I did seek rewards in many other ways in my life, however I am disclosing the pattern of attaching a negative value to rewards based on memories.

 

So, when my father was extending the hand with money as a reward for me being a good student, I would literally place my hands back and it’s like when you are a kid and you want something but at the same time you don’t. The reasons were because I grew up with this sense of Lacking money all the time, always wanting to use the least, to not use up much of our supplies, to be a ‘saver’ of everything and all of this was out of fear of making my father spend too much money on me. I have walked this in a mind construct specifically related toward my father whom I could equate to my relationship with money – from understanding money, how money works, how money flowed in the house, and me forming this constrained idea of ‘we don’t have much money, I should not ask for more, I conform with what I have, wanting more is greed and making my father spend on me is selfish.’ 

 

This I learned through observation, through hearing conversations, through ‘picking up’ my father’s experience when handing money toward my mother to buy food/ the necessary to eat/ house supplies etc. – the same when I required money for books, some school thing and how I would worry to even say the price of it, which lead me to this belief that ‘money is something precious and I am not that worthy to have this money be spent on me’– and I must say that my mother would let me know how I should not worry about this, however I was very tough-headed and stubborn when it came to me believing that we were really in financial strain most of the time and that I should behave with my ‘desires’ – even though it was quite a futile inner conflict, because I would end up getting stuff that I wanted anyways. This is how I can see that I created my own mindfuck just to create a personality of ‘the considerate one that doesn’t want to make my father spend more money than he already does on my education/ food/ sustenance’  – ‘the one’ because I have two more sisters and I mostly would judge the fact that they would spend more money than I did, and as such created my own ego/superiority out of being the ‘noble one’ that ‘refuses rewards’ while they would say ‘hey, if you don’t want it, I do!’  – which would piss me off even more because they were supposed to be considerate and as such, I linked my ‘triumphs’ in school with rejecting all the rewards for the awards, like having the ‘luxury’ to refuse what others would actually want – quite a character as you can see, it’s a double positive construct that implies certain aspects at the ‘world system’ level and at individual level:

 

1. Not everyone can be equally rewarded in this system. In the example I’m walking here, not everyone was able to have a 1st place in class and as such, the ‘throne of honor’ could only be for 1.  I had once a friend telling me: hey, give me your notes (paper with all grades) and I’ll falsify them, show it to my parents so they can buy me all that I want. Which seemed utterly ‘wrong’ to me at that moment and within that begun valuing my ‘self worth’ only as ‘grades’ within school, which lead me to feel that ‘void’ that I have described many other times in relation to seeking to value myself beyond intelligence/ grades/ school etc. – all this consciousness character of knowledge and information that served for one single purpose: to stand as one extreme of a polarity construct of winning and losing which creates this sense of specialness and superiority while others have to end up on the polarity opposite, which I would then also ‘feel bad’ about.

 

2. Getting the positive kick out of ‘rejecting rewards’ and building an ego out of ‘I don’t require rewards to move, I do it for myself’ which was Only to a certain extent also, I mean I got really bothered then when my parents thought it was all because of them but I also did it to keep this self-belief toward others as always having everything right/ doing everything to the T. No flaws – and getting rewards for that, quite bizarre.

• It is just like in our current celebrity system, wherein people that already have Loads of money get all the stuff for free, because of sponsoring some brand and name that will in return give money-rewards for the person that gifts them the reward of, for example, not having to pay for expensive clothes and items that they can just ‘wear around’ and create a big hype in it. They are not for ‘free’ they are just exhibition items that will in turn give lots of profit for the small cost of giving some gifts. Money calls more money as a blatant capitalist saying goes.

 

4. ‘Winning’ or being recognized for an ‘effort’ or ‘service’ or ‘achievement’ is truly only an acquired value system that is supposed to act as a motivation factor for people to excel, to be better, to be the employee of the month and so forth and don’t get me wrong, it’s cool that we push ourselves to be self responsible, however it should Not exist as part of this recognition/ laureate construct for doing something that should be as natural as drinking water, cooking our food, going to do your work and responsibilities = it is part of what Living is. Within this

• We got the competition for the rewards and the multiple dimensions of hostility, vengeance, envy, jealousy that stem from everyone fighting to get the great carrot on the stick

 

Thus, how come we’ve gotten ourselves to this point? Yep, Greed, superiority and specialness are aspects that are highly desired within a human being’s experience at a mind level. We have all played a role in it of course and in my case if we take this example: representing the ‘highest score’ represented the ‘greatest reward’ and within this, one’s actual dedication and work is reduced to getting money to buy things that we believe will make us ‘happy’ and ‘content’ for a while without realizing that all our school years and all our lives we are trained to earn these rewards in the form of Money – for what? To buy our life, and continue seeking to get ‘more’ so that we can continue giving ourselves our own rewards that we become so used to, and we justify with the ever-present statement of ‘I worked for it, I earned it’ and in this, we lose complete focus or even insight on how everything that we buy is created, why have we placed certain values upon physical objects as ‘more’ than others to create these ‘precious items’ that only Some can afford or receive as gifts…

Smell the money-god here?

 

Spot the nonsense?

 

Will continue dissecting my polarity-construct with regards to ‘loathing rewards’ and the ambivalent self experience I’d create whenever Anyone would offer some rewards, which determined my relationship toward money that I am obviously only scraping the top off.

Leave you with the key aspect that enabled me to see this:

 

“Your physical labour life force – is for most part, Not Valued AT ALL; humans actually doing physical labour are valued Next-to-Nothing, while human beings doing Mental Labour – are Valued More: here, the REALITY, physicality is valued not at all, while the Mental/Illusion is valued most. So, Physical Force is denied, while Mental Force is Exalted. Which is Exactly what we do in/as our own Minds: Our Imagination/Illusion is Valued Most and so we give/pay MORE of our beingness/physicality to/as it, or shall we say Sacrifice More of our beingness/physicality to/as it. Instead of Investing our Beingness/Awareness into and as Physical Equal and One LIVING – which is not a process of a Payment, it’s a Stand of Realisation and of LIVING. This is Why we don’t LIVE in this physical existence, everything had been Valued according to more/less Reward for which you must PAY with PAY in fact being a SACRIFICE.” – Sunette Spies*

 

Blogs:

• Mind Value System = Money Value System: DAY 275*

• Day 278: Binge, Bulimia and Desteni

• I AM – IMAgination: DAY 277

• Economist’s Journey To Life

 

Interviews:

• How to Live Harmony and Peace (Part 1) – Part 142

• How to Live Harmony and Peace (Part 2) – Part 143

• The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 24

258. Spiting The System with Drugs

Continuing from:

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

• 221. Insanity as a Fear turned into Fascination

  • 222. Insanity as Libertinage

  • 223. Selling and Buying Culture: Character Role Playing in Society

  • 224. Cultivate Your Personality: Human Egoism gone Mainstream

• 225. Is Living Life about Getting High?

  • 226. Seeking for a Posi+ive Fix All the Time?

  • 227. Are We Addicted to our Emotions and Feelings?

  • 228. Mental Disorders Hide us From Self Responsibility

  • 257. A Piece of Heaven at the Expense of Life

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept drugs as a form to overcome the dullness, the dissatisfaction and boredom that is experienced at a mind level when living in a society/ world system wherein ‘there is not much to do’ other than surviving through schooling/ jobs, having relationships and no aspiration to continue supporting such an enslaving system that is binding everyone to an endless payroll, and through drugs/ alcohol seeking a temporary ‘escape’ from the reality of suffering and abuse, without realizing that within indulging in drugs and any other harmful substance ingestion, one is contributing to perpetuate the same system of Self-Abuse that one tries to ‘overcome’ through taking drugs/ alcohol and sex – within this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually see why drugs and alcohol have not been absolutely banned/ controlled from our reality, because it is the only way that ‘the slaves are happy’ – the slaves being us/ everyone living in this world system and having only the ‘right to life’ if having money in the pocket.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see why drugs – even in conditions of poverty and scarcity – are still an elitist resource to neglect one’s world and reality while existing as a justification and excuse of ‘the system is ignoring me/ I want to escape from this world,’ wherein a victimization is used as a form to retaliate against ‘the system,’ without realizing that the system is ourselves, and the more we retaliate and try and antagonize the system, we only feed the necessary polarity to cause further friction and conflict that generates further measures of control which leads to more extreme ways of drugs/ alcohol/ weapon trafficking as well as every other activity that goes hand in hand within this drug culture such as robbing, prostitution, gang formation, rapes, domestic violence, poverty, health problems, familial disruption and the list goes on.

 

I realize that the crisis that the ‘drug world’ is stemming from this initial belief of drugs being an ‘alternative’ to this reality as a ‘salvation’ from a physical nightmare, not realizing that such salvation/ little piece of heaven is actually the first step to get hooked on an addiction that will have to be maintained through using money, the same money that keeps this entire system in place which means that no drug consumption can be a way to ‘escape the system,’ since the very money – or any other activity done to ‘pay’ for the drugs – is directly existent within the rules in which our current capitalist system works – thus

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see how there is virtually no escape from our reality through buying/ consuming something that may alter our mind-reality for a moment, as this is equally supporting a business that is illegal, does not contribute to any form of collective benefit – such as taxes – it does not declare any legal profit as any other corporation that might be also antagonized by the ‘rebels’ in society that take drugs/ alcohol, which means that through enrolling in drug consumption/ drug smuggling one is being part of the machinery that is still accepted and allowed as an illegal business that actually runs more money than is often declared by major corporations around the world, which in itself points out how hypocritical it is to be a drug-consumer and dare to criticize the system and even use it as an excuse to consume drugs – without ever considering being part of a solution to create an actual well being that we are all aware is possible to create/ establish in this world – but instead, opt through the apparent ‘easy way out’ that leads to – most of the times – life-long addictions where money is required to keep up with one’s addiction, third parties are eventually harmed through one’s addiction, any form of stability in the system is lost and one’s money only contributes to the drug-trafficking business, which is one of the greatest sources of illicit enrichment in our society.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how it is through drug consumption that one inhibits oneself from being fully Here as an active participant in society that instead directs oneself to be part of a solution to everything that one wanted to escape from through using drugs/ sex/ alcohol as a way to ‘cope’ with reality. I realize that all the money, time, energy wasted to keep an alternate reality can instead be directed toward a point of self responsibility wherein one instead uses such money, time and effort to investigate how we are all equally responsible for how the system works, how it is actually greedy and selfish as the ultimate self interest to believe one ‘does no harm’ while using drugs – even if you are alone in your house – since drugs are the perfect slave-keepers that disable any ability to stand up within common sense to see How we can instead create solutions, and stop running away from the consequences we have created as humanity as this world system.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see how all complains about the system’s control, disparity, violent measures of implementing justice that leads to injustice, favoritism, corruption and any form of abuse, is used as a justification to decide to take drugs and ‘be apart’ from this world/ escape from reality and ‘flipping the finger’ to ‘the system/ government’ – without realizing the extent of suppression and actual evasion that takes place when one decides to instead of facing oneself and taking self responsibility, indulge into drugs/ alcohol and any other form of ‘escapism’ in order to ‘feel free’ and ‘superior’ than the system, without having the audacity to question why would ‘the system/ the government’ would still allow such forms of self-abuse as ‘acceptable’ in an underground manner, which should be the actual point to realize here: a massive business such as drugs cannot be left ‘untouched’ by the government/ elites that obviously know such business and drug-culture exists, but it is better for them to keep the masses/people with stupefacient drugs and remaining getting money to pay for them, than actually becoming aware of how the system works, why not everyone is supporting each other equally, why we have created a system based on abuse and such actually become a real awareness that is willing to change the way the system works – within this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how ignorant is it to actually claim to be ‘spiting the system’ through taking drugs/ alcohol or any other ‘illegal activity’ without realizing that nothing is able to be ‘spiting the system’ as long as profit is made, as long as someone benefits from a drug business  -thus it is to realize how naïve is to consider oneself as a drug consumer as someone that is ‘out of the system’ or ‘more clever’ than the rest of the people that ‘do not consume drugs,’ without realizing how it is actually the other way around, wherein a drug consumer is hooked on paying money/ getting money for a temporary mind-energetic experience while believing there’s some form of ‘freedom’ in doing so, without looking at the obvious self-enslavement that is created within this drug-addict paradigm in which we exist as humanity, no matter ‘where’ in the world we are.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the actual selfishness that exists within drug consumption, wherein one believes that one is ‘stepping out of the cogwheel’ in the system by using money to consume drugs, without being aware of how such money contributes to businesses that do not declare any form of profit in a legal manner, do not pay taxes and as such only create ‘clean’ integral amounts of money for the benefit of a few that have made the greatest businesses in their life out of human’s weakness for an energetic experience as a temporary high and numbing of one’s reality due to ‘problems’  – either internal or external – that are all generated at an individual level in each human being that has accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become our mind that is always seeking for an energetic experience to ‘feel alive.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the ways in which money moves and is created in this world, neglecting how banks benefit from the money that runs within illegal businesses of drug-trafficking and instead, decide to believe that ‘I am doing no harm with my own drug-consumption’ – without realizing that no act is ever isolated in a system wherein all parts are always affecting the whole through thought, word and deed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that indulging in drugs was a way to become a ‘militant of the truth’ wherein the delusions created while being on drugs are beliefs of self being ‘superior’ or ‘more clever’ than the rest of the society that doesn’t indulge in drugs – without realizing how drugs as a business is the perfect way for a few to make a lot of money, since we have accepted and allowed ourselves to create a condition of addiction to the mind’s experience at a physical level through chemicals and substances that create a self-experience that we have defined as ‘more’ than ourselves – and in this, becoming actually tunnel-visioned zombies that care-less about the whole-reality of this world, how it works, how money operates, what are the solutions to this reality and instead, one reduces one’s world to only seeking moments to get high/ get drunk/ take any form of drug as a way to ‘cope with a reality’ that we are equally shaping through our neglect and irresponsibility of taking drugs/ alcohol as a ‘solution,’ which proves the level of ignorance we have all collectively shared and adopted as ‘who we are’ in order to avoid having to look at ourselves as the creators of the world we have tried to escape from through becoming drug addicts.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how such a perfect form of control is able to be implemented by those with specific interests to keep the ‘masses’ occupied in ‘getting high/ getting the next fix’ – as this narrows down any possibility of actual human awareness of the system of abuse and how we are all equally responsible for it – thus

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see how it through the condition of myself accepted and allowed as a mind that enjoys certain experiences of emotions and feelings, that I become a potential drug-user which is not only in the form of our street-drugs/ illegal drugs, but legal drugs for psychological treatments and procedures to create an apparent ‘remedy’ to a condition that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to develop as ‘who we are’ the moment that we believed ourselves to only be our mind and equating life to an experience, missing out all potential to discover what life  really is when reducing it to a series of chemical reactions that must be constantly generated through drugs/ alcohol or any other substance that functions at a mind level, which implies that:

We are all equally responsible for the existence of drugs as a problem in our society, since drugs only function at a mind level and the moment we have all collectively agreed to create a system that only satisfies a few mind-systems seeking constant fulfillment/ pleasure through experiences of the mind we are all agreeing to ‘live’ only to experience these experiences at a mind level defined as ‘happiness,’ without investigating why and how we have to seek for such ‘highs’ and then drop into a low within the mind, and as such realize that the can be an actual physical and tangible way to prevent drug-addiction sin this world, and that is through implementing a world-system based in Equality, wherein our current capitalist system can be aligned toward a best for all outcome with equal-share of all the benefits that only a few get and as such, build the societies that we only ‘dreamed of’ and sought to escape to in our imagination, while missing the fact that we have what we require to do so, to live it out in reality and work together to implement such well being – and within this it is to also see and realize that

 

One will have to give up this self-experience of fulfillment and enjoyment at a mind level to actually focus on the matters at hand as the physical reality that we must all become aware of how it works i n terms of the actual social, political and economical system that has lead us to the current state of the world that one seeks to escape – and instead, direct such anger, frustration, boredom and resentment toward ‘the system’ toward a feasible and practical solution that can be implemented by political means wherein all common sensical living as what’s best for all, is always able to be identified by oneself.

 

It is thus to realize that there will be no need to ‘escape from reality’ if we all instead dedicate ourselves to create a world system that supports all beings equally as Life, creating an actual respect for oneself and each other to create a system wherein on one will have a need to ‘escape’ an actual heaven on Earth we can all agree to create through a democratic vote that each one has the power to exert within the  Equal Money System – it is about time we stop numbing and harming our being that is fully functional and that of others through promoting ways to ‘escape the system’ and instead, work together to make of it the system and reality that we have always wanted to live in but believed ourselves to be incapable of changing – that is no more.

 

No more Highs and, No More Lows.

 

• Desteni

• Desteni I Process

• Desteni Lite Process – Free Online Course to get to know yourself and as such, be able to see yourself as words to create an awareness of who you are and what you are living for.

• Desteni Forum

• Equal Money System

 

 

Blogs:

• Imagining Solutions vs. The Living Solution: DAY 258

• Day 259: Give Happiness, Get Happiness

• Day 258: Vampires in the Soul of Sacred Geometry -…

 

Support yourself – Invest on Self Education at Eqafe and stop supporting any other drug of the mind that leads you further into the rabbit hole.

243. The Sublime and the End of the World

While listening to the Doomsday Activist Life Review, I realized that I had precisely gone for the exhilaration and experience of having a certain moment wherein ‘something’ had to happen in this world  as an ultimate doomsday scenario/ Armageddon type of event, because there were just ‘too many points converging into the same day’ that it was almost undeniable that something would happen, but what? I actually thought for a moment that consciousness would cease to exist that day  – lol – and before Desteni, I thought it was time for a major catastrophe that I simply ‘dreamed of.’

 

“So, it’s interesting that, it has never been Questioned: “Why are there so many different, varying “One’s” and each One believe itself to be “the Right One.” I mean, all the different Prophecies/Predictions cannot ‘materialize’ Simultaneously…with some believing in Ascension, others Jesus coming, others The End of the World by a physical/natural Occurrence and all the different Prophecies/Predictions are aligned with a particular Spirituality/Religion/Movement/Science and each one of those believe themselves to be “the Real Deal”. That, within this – human beings have not seen, realised and understood what all these “the One’s / Chosen One’s” have in common: they abdicate All Responsibility of Individual Human Beings to/as what ‘life on earth’ is/has become, and facilitate more as a distraction and preoccupation from/of Self-Responsibility, Life Responsibility to/as this Physical Existence.” – Sunette Spies *

 

To understand this point better and how I made of ‘The End of the World’  ‘my theme’ and favorite topic is looking also at some of the artwork that I made, which was mostly doomsday-like which I explain here  2008 Paintings portraying slavery of system and can be reviewed at the top of this blog in the Artwork section.

 

Even after a while I kept doing the same thing, doing series of different characters that would end up being part of this depiction of the end of the world, which reveals how much I was truly expecting it, desiring it, making it a recurrent topic and driving-force to be ‘creative’ just because I would get a kick out of it. This is what I could Identify as Sublime after reading Heaven’s Journey To Life blog that I will quote later on.

 

According to Schopenhauer and the ‘types of sublime’ I will be looking at are:

• Sublime – Turbulent Nature. (Pleasure from perceiving objects that threaten to hurt or destroy observer).
• Full Feeling of Sublime – Overpowering turbulent Nature. (Pleasure from beholding very violent, destructive objects).

 

According to E. Burke: “With his Philosophical Enquiry into the Origin of our Ideas of the Sublime and Beautiful (1757) Edmund Burke defined canonically its aesthetical prominence as the satisfaction arising from the removal of an imminent threat.” – Wiki Entry on Sublime

 

Last Man on Earth 2009

 

I’ll place one ‘static example.’ This is the last man on Earth. And I would usually depict people having One eye closed, probably depicting that we have always deliberately ‘played blind’ to not see what we are doing to each other and this world, and this man as the last man on Earth turned eventually one-side blind as a result of having neglected reality. It also expresses the shame and regret about what we’ve done. His appearance is deliberately depicting our self consumption when living for the ideals of the ‘who we are’ in the mind– his clothes denote a battered ‘elitist lifestyle’ that has gone through trials and tribulations, some sort of survival point upon the death of the rest of humanity and animas. He’s standing upon a thousand words yet he seems to have nothing to say but his heart is beating and his lungs seem in a good state – he is alive. His hands have turned into the symbol that depicts life, he might be able to start from scratch to create a new world that supports life in Equality, if he can forgive himself past all the regret.

 

Continuing from:

• 241. The EndGame Show: 2012

• 242. Overwhelmed by the Abuse upon Life?
  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ‘end of the world scenarios’ as a source of excitement and exhilaration due to the actual fear that I would have with regards to witnessing an ‘end of the world’ scenario, without actually taking into consideration what such ‘end’ would mean and how it is that we would be in essence drawing ourselves back to zero and actually miss out the opportunity to use what is already here as this world and simply give it direction within a new consideration, a new path which is Life in Equality,  and within this: there is no need to destroy/ obliterate the world, but we can simply agree to slowly but surely go stopping our current ways in which we are existing as world-system and civilization and consider new ways of living wherein we can start regarding the environment/ the ecosystem as an actual living being equal and one to ourselves, and within that, establish solutions so that we stop the mass extinction, abuse and exploitation of life in the name of our personal benefits as ‘progress’ and ‘evolution’ that is only the result of us disregarding life and using it to power up our mind-realities of what ‘advancements’ are supposed to be like, disregarding the fact that the life of human beings, animals, plants is not taken into consideration when only using what is here in the name of power/ success/ evolution that is in fact only the evolution of the mind, not life quality. This also implies that I only used this ‘hype’ to tag along and generate an entire personality based on this ‘death and destruction’ ideals, simply because it is so much easier to hope for the end of the world than actually doing something to sort it out and create a new start for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rejoice and get excited about a possible ‘something’ happening in 2012 in order to wake up humanity, and expecting some form of cloudy messy doomsday on a particular date, without realizing that within such waiting it is only a distraction and entertainment to not look at the reality that is already here and pretty much existing  in a doomsday scenario, wherein the billions that have no support from the system to live in dignity live a doomsday on a daily basis – within this (Watch ‘In Heaven everything is fine’ video below.)

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to romanticize this ‘end of the world’ for my own entertainment and ‘delight’ as that expectation and getting a kick out of participating in imagination as all sorts of pictures and end of the world scenes that I would simply dedicate myself to paint, because I wanted to in one way or another be able to ‘predict’ what would happen and as such, also depict myself as one of the last standing on Earth, being a ‘chosen one’ which is the actual desire that I had and wanted to fulfill as a self-prophecy that I wanted to witness, no different to me being expecting a certain ‘event’ such as a concert or a trip and generating the same amount of expectation and excitement about it, which proves to what extent I actually disregarded what such pain and suffering really Is and only made images about it for the sake of propelling my own fascinations as the actual fear that I had toward witnessing some form of ultimate destruction on Earth – which is what I will have to go through as what I in fact experienced. Sublime experience.

 

Now, I suggest reading HOPE – The Metaphysical Carrot: DAY 237

and specifically HOPE – the Metaphysical Carrot (Part 3): DAY 239 

 

I left a comment there with the following realization:

Concepts like the ‘sublime’ have become clear through reading this, which is something I would link to 2012 in the past, all of this from the branch within philosophy and aesthetics of an image/painting that would cause you this ‘sublime experience’ as an actual fear turned into a point of attraction/ rejoice – which is also what Mykey explained in #9 Demons in the Afterlife Interview – all makes sense now.

Here I share some on this point from the Wiki entry on sublime:

“Burke’s treatise is also notable for focusing on the physiological effects of the sublime, in particular the dual emotional quality of fear and attraction noted by other writers. Burke described the sensation attributed to the sublime as a “negative pain” which he called delight, and which is distinct from positive pleasure. Delight is taken to result from the removal of pain (caused by confronting the sublime object) and is supposedly more intense than positive pleasure.”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sublime_(philosophy)

So essentially, same mechanism of ‘hope’ but sublime is more focused even more so just on the energetic experience in itself, without any form of ‘change’ but plain delight/ pleasure and all of that which is caused when looking at terror from afar. What a great mindfuckistic reality we have created. It is definitely time to stop.

 

I cannot say anything else but, this is an entire energetic experience that I had been quite keen on, the point of turning a fear into a fascination and the ‘end of the world’ is one of the fascinations I cultivated ever since I was probably a 5 years old or so when I wanted to be alien abducted with my dad, lol which is precisely what I describe in that video, later on fueled by songs like ‘Spaceman’ by Babylon Zoo – lol. Now, I am reviewing this just to see to what extent we can turn fears into fascinations and even more so, making it a point of pleasure/ excitement/ exhilaration and entertainment/distraction for MY personal experience, MY satisfaction, MY own delight, MY inspiration, depressions and general lack of desire to live, simply because of being subsumed in this ‘I want it all to end’ type of self-experience, just an absolute victimization that has permeated my being till this very day, as I see that any form of ‘lack of drive’ is just because I am not feeding anymore my usual energetic experiences that I had linked to a constant ‘looking forward’ to the future, but instead, the hereness that I am integrating myself as is experienced as a junky going on rehab, that’s what is ‘tough’ about this process and this is but one aspect of what I will be ‘withdrawing’ from.

 

Even the music that I listened to like Godspeed You Black Emperor – my favorite band within the schemes of my last ‘music junky’ fanatic phase –  I could define as this type of ‘Sublime’ / End of the world experience- you can read their story here for the first time told by themselves, since they are the type of people that would rather not speak at all but ‘let their music speak’ and have a look at the type of mentality I was absolutely drawn to, which became my inspiration on a daily basis within my life some 6 years ago.  I’ll leave a couple of videos I made with their music at the end of this blog.

 

When placing all of this little world of my own fascinations into perspective of the actual reality that is going on, I see that I am still drawn to this ‘romantic’ side of reality instead of focusing on the actuality of what is here and focusing not on cultivating further experiences I might get from music or arts in this doomsday-everything is fucked-vein for that matter, but focusing on actual reality considerations that I can educate myself on in order to stop any form of personal-endeavors to cultivate my fascinations instead of taking Self Responsibility for what is here.

 

So I’ll be walking this ‘branch’ of my artistic personality related to the sublime specifically and end of the world/lack of desire to live in blogs to come. This is what happens when a single character such as the ‘tormented artist’ in reality justifies absolute irresponsibility that becomes a morbid fascination and delight and see it as ‘okay’ it is an aesthetic category, it’s okay to cultivate it. Good for you, little artist.

 

Must Read Blogs:

• Day 243: Happy Birthday and God – ADC – Part 90

• This blog is part of the After Death Communication Series

• *The Chosen One (Part Three): DAY 243

 

Interviews:

• Quantum Systemization- The Maze of Amazement System- 4

• Life Review – A Doomsday Activist

• The Consciousness of the Frog – Part 1

 

My End of the World video creations:

• Dead Flag Blues (Godspeed You Black Emperor)

• 2012 WAR NO MORE (Sleep by GYBE)

• The Shape of Things to Come

• In Heaven Everything is Fine

241. The EndGame Show: 2012

I watched Derren Brown’s The Gameshow episode which is a brilliant piece of what popular TV should become: a blatantly blunt and absolutely irrevocable proof of what we have become as humanity: full blown evil egos that have absolutely no regard toward the life of fellow living beings and dare to rejoice making a mockery out of another’s unfortunate lives that are being directed by the observers themselves.

I had to breathe in order to not participate further in further thoughts and outspoken backchat after one witness the whole thing and for a moment find yourself laughing along to what we have defined as entertaining and funny. This certainly made me realize to what extent we have brainwashed ourselves to have the most twisted sense of humor labeled as ‘normal’ to laugh upon actual evil lived out in the life of a human being that’s being secretly filmed for the de-light of everyone, even if it is entertainment gone educational, still running a show within the whole scheme of how it all functions through/ by money itself.

 

The game depicts the two options we hold in this world while living and interacting with everything and everyone here, as simple and direct as a yes and a no: to do what’s best for all/ doing onto another what you would want others to do onto you/ giving and receiving in equality/ loving thy neighbor as thyself OR essentially ‘consciously’ deciding to make another’s life their worst fucking nightmare and hell through your own direct ‘democratic vote’ to do so.

 

When the audience in this fake ‘game show’ are endowed with the godly-ability to direct what happens to a person’s life, and are given the ‘right to vote’ toward a positive and a negative outcome that would be taken on upon this man’s life – the audience, conveniently suited with masks that enhance their anonymity – cast their vote to massively decide through the majority rule vote what the life of the man would turn out to be for the night. This is a perfect depiction of how we are all nicely sitting on our asses, having our lives backed up with money in our pockets while we watch the whole planet and beings going extinct and crumbling down to ashes as a result of us having disregarded any other single particle ‘outside of ourselves’ As ourselves, equal and one, and only abused it in order to create a vulgar display of power where we are able to decide upon another’s life in a deliberate manner to feel ‘empowered..’

And! We are waiting for doomsday? Wtf.

 

 

The results are not surprising considering the inherent human nature that is Evil as the reverse of life. This show reveals to what extent – even if given the ability of ‘free choice’ as in freely choosing and deciding upon a being’s life – the majority of the people votes for all the worst to happen to the man/ subject of the show – what for? One can see the thrill as the excitement that is generated through vicariously witnessing another’s suffering and having the power to say ‘I made him go through that/ I deliberately wanted that person to have a shitty time in his life, yeah man! that’s some real fun, hey’ – Writing these words is already quite a criminal sentence, however the point that I am here to share, place out and walk through is how after watching this for a moment I felt disgusted for being a human being – again: a feeling/ experience created at a mind level as the usual disdain that I would project and cultivate toward humanity in the past, myself included, of which some layers/ dimensions will certainly come up as they are ‘stirred’ through external stimuli. I was a perfect example of how to loathe reality and still manage to get your personal interests in place. 

 

Continuing from – Evil:

194. Let the Mask Fall!

• 195. The Righteousness of Evil

• 203. The Acceptance of Heaven is the Allowance of Hell
  

 

I realized to what extent it is relevant to speak about this topic since we’re only few days away from the great non-event that will probably only serve as an excuse to immigrate to another ‘meaningful date’ to a few years from here on – I will resume with the education point I had last shared until I lay out the latest discoveries of this character. I suggest reading the blogs listed above to get a perspective of my own fuckups with regards to how fervently I would dare to speak about things like the end of the world and rejoice about it, just like a perfect doomsday activist that I was on my way to become some years ago.

 

Throughout this Process I have realized that I cannot in any way continue creating judgments upon those that judge, that would be the obvious law of stupidity, isn’t it? It took me quite a while to grasp it and all I can say is I am applying and practicing to live humbleness after realizing my own fuckups within this aspect in my life.

 

The only reason why I prayed – figuratively speaking – for the world to end was precisely because I would generate the same type of disgust toward humanity to the one I experienced today after watching this show, a remnant of the type of thinking I would function in a 24/7 attitude in my past, and I must say that committing oneself to stop the continuous judgment has been a definitive decision that must be lived in every single moment that I decide to breathe as life and stop myself from playing the grumpy old humanity-Grinch that I had become. Obviously, it was easier to just want everything to be ‘washed away,’ sucked by some massive black hole or obliterated by some meteorite – in fact the word ‘obliterate’ holds the relationship to this ‘massive’ desire to end it all.

 

But the reality is that: I didn’t want to face what I had become, what we’ve become. I have written about this before several times but the whole death and destruction point has reached its peak, since it’s only a few days away now for Nothing to happen for once and for all.

 

You can read more  from the ‘Doomsday Character’ here:

• Hey Nostradamus! – Personality suit exposed

• 81. ‘We’re all going to die anyways’

• 2012 Death and Destruction

• Day 4–Lugubrious Romantic

• Day 25: Existential Woes «

• 95. Any Abuse is Always Self-Abuse

 

Fortunately, I found self forgiveness and no, this is no  religious-sinner act here. This is about being profoundly ashamed of myself as a human being for what we’ve done and become, and be able to give myself a second chance to live, a second opportunity to start from scratch and I’ll never forget when I heard those words and decided from there on that I would choose life.

 

It is only through Self-Forgiveness that one can stand up from all the guilt, remorse, shame and all the psychological and physical heavy loaded guns that we have emptied upon ourselves, each other, the animals, the Earth, children, every single spec of life that we are obviously unaware and have disregarded while seeking for our greatest vilest excitement, which happens to be covered in sugar to disguise the fact that every form of apparent human benevolence is in fact just a blatant way to disguise our real nature, the one that can be ‘lost in the masses’ and be unable to be spotted as a perpetrator of a crime or a hideous act of nasty violence and abuse toward another fellow living part of this reality that is ourselves.

 

Can I have a single point of respect toward a human being that decides upon something really hideous to happen to another being under free choice? No, but I’ve become that as well. I have accepted and allowed the existence of a world wherein who we are has become the blatant DEMONstration of what the so-called godly given free-choice and free-will as the freedom to abuse and disrespect life in the name of self-interest as a human consciousness robot that knows nothing better but laughing at another’s disgrace and pretending there is some acceptable sense of rejoice in that. Seriously, we do that all the time.

 

We all seek happiness, bliss, joy, being content, peaceful, we wash ourselves in our benevolent acts of kindness by ‘helping others’ and showing off the super-whitened smile while secretly in the back of our head, the real evil nasty thoughts reveal that we have in fact no self-respect because if we had a single bit of integrity, we would tape our own mind from thinking any inkling of repugnant backchat and spiteful judgments toward another being. It is fucking ludicrous that anyone can possibly consider oneself as a good person, as any form of benevolent act in a world wherein our very actions on a daily basis reveal that we Only care about our own well being, our own family – fuck the rest! – our own jobs/ money/ security and let the children starve and be sold for money to feed their families –

Oh, but then again! we have our marvelous entertainment such as 2012 and the plethora of promises and hopes and positive wishes and apparent magical solutions for humanity, because in our minds we live in the delirium that ‘we deserve it’ –  Really?

We’re the almighty gods of existence here, with our elitist ways of catching up on the latest on world hunger:

About 25,000 people die every day of hunger or hunger-related causes, according to the United Nations. This is one person every three and a half seconds, as you can see on this display. Unfortunately, it is children who die most often. – poverty.com

We even got a poverty.com portal that we access in our laptops to check out some fancy numbers and statistics but  absolutely neglecting in its totality the reality of what one single reality experience of those 25 thousand beings actually experience in one single day of their lives – oh but yes, we are claiming we are empty vessels in full view and require some god, some major event to look forward to… wow, really, wow.

 

People given the free-command to decide upon a being’s life within the framework of a ‘game show’ while wearing masks to protect the oh-so-beloved ‘identity and privacy,’ collectively decide to inflict  the most hideous experiences that a single person can go through in a matter of hours – taking into consideration that such acts must be able to be broadcasted for pg-13 audience, otherwise I’m sure the evil could escalate a lot further. Now taking the same actions at a global level: how could any human being indulge in believing that as a result of a series of constant and continuous putrefactive acts, one could get some form of heavenly reward from a non-existent god as a result of one’s nastiness and brutality inflicted upon all life forms in every single second that life is disregarded and instead abused? How could such a being that is deliberately flipping the middle finger to another for the sake of a laughter in any way expect that some divine hand is going to come and wipe out the whole earth to end the suffering of everyone and some ‘special ones’ ascend to the heavens?

 

How can we as humanity, accepting and allowing this delusional and hypocritical world system in any way expect something GOOD and Benevolent emerging out of Nowhere on a single day that everyone seems to be waiting for, as if there was some mighty being or force that was actually pleased with what we’ve become in order to grant us the long-awaited doomsday. In and for all cases, we’re all equally and one doomed beyond measure for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become – yet this is not an excuse to say ‘it’s too much’ and then give up, as that would only indicate a timeloop that will have to be corrected anyways.

 

It is also quite a paradox that I have to recommend a TV show to witness our reality, simply because we haven’t been Paying Attention to our reality outside the door, but instead have to read about it, watch it through our HDMI screens and get a bucket of cold water to wake up from the slumber we’re in. Will we learn? Unfortunately as history has shown: we don’t. Even if millions die in world wars and keep the memory intact as if it had been in fact the most atrocious acts in humanity, we perpetrate and support with our very thinking-schemes a system that is founded upon abuse, our desires to be happy, rich, fulfilled, to be joyous and blissful at the expense of others, never minding about a single thing that must be sacrificed for such a ‘good time,’ because in the end we’re the ‘masters of disguise’ when it comes to painting an entire town red without realizing that it’s actually blood that’s been shed in order for some twisted idea of progress to exist.

 

If we could look at oil as the result of the actual processes in which  the oil itself was discovered and exploited, the suffering of the beings caused for the wars that lead to the appropriation of oil from some middle east country and the crimes committed in the name of this ‘dark gold’ as a form of quantum-memory projecting itself as you pump gas into your car, one could probably have a constant reminder of what our idea of ‘civilization’ is all about. Feeling guilty or remorseful or taking yourself to a point of wanting to commit suicide won’t do a thing, it will only make things worse because even such ‘decisions’ are made in self interest: only caring about – once again – one’s own experience and are no different in essence to a decision made to live in eternal bliss, because even death was believed to be a final-point to the book we’ve jotted upon as ‘our life.’ It is not so, definitely, it is the most stupid thing one can do as well as believing that some magic date will bring an end to this ‘torture in life.’

 

The reason why I am writing this is because I felt a nauseous experience about humanity again as I hadn’t felt in quite a while in spite of the amount of information and personal self investigation wherein we become aware of how we are Not in any way any benevolent act on Earth. But one has to be actually faced with this form of ‘entertainment’ that is revealed to be quite a blow on our face what we have deemed as ‘funny’ as ‘entertaining’ and ‘acceptable’ within the constrains of our mediated minds wherein no respect, honor and regard for life exists, at all, because all of the reverse to that is what sells well.

 

All I could think of is: I am here, I acknowledge what I’ve done, what I’ve created and propitiated within my every day living – I am no different to the beings that deliberately chooses upon the man’s ‘bad time’ on this TV show. Through my accepted and allowed existence and continuation within this system, I am in complicity to the thousands of people dying every day of starvation, I am directly responsible for the belief upon any form of hope for things ever ‘getting better’ or in the best-case scenario, or in the shape of my old secret desires, witness a full deployment of natural forces upon humanity, to just boil down the Earth to ashes – such self destructive thoughts are continually lived as our personal hells in our minds, every single day having to battle ‘the damned thing’ that is ourselves, foolishly so only battling our own minds as an experience.

 

No wonder the world is what it is, we rather cut down trees and put some shiny lights upon them and profess ‘love and peace’ for a few couple of days while massively consuming shit that we don’t need and call that ‘holy-days,’ really? Do  a research on the type of activity humans rejoice in such holy-days: massive amounts of alcohol, porn, drugs and any other form of brutal entertainment is ensued to ‘kill the dread’ that these ‘holidays’ are usually adorned with in a regular human being’s life. This is what we’ve become.

 

Now, feeling disgust and feeling any form of actual shame would only be me playing the necessary role for this massive mindfuck to continue. We all have to STOP no matter what from existing within this perpetual game of self-righteous acts of self-believed immaculate souls that actually ‘do good’ in any way whatsoever on Earth.

 

I, of course, cannot count myself out of everything that I am writing as I am writing this within the full awareness that I have not lived to the 100% that I would want to, but it still remains a ‘want,’ a ‘need’ and a ‘desire’ that is the same type of desires that can burn someone’s hands in the form of having the impulse and drive to steal, rape, murder or just commit some form of violence within the same impetus that the mind as an energetic drive creates within our physical bodies – there is no self movement yet, and that is what the correction will have to be if doomsday is to be stopped as any form of deviation toward the actual responsibility we hold as human beings toward each other as equals.

 

It is Not Real to ‘want’ to change – it is no different to wishing light and love, really. We must LIVE change, we must Ensure that No single thought toward another living being is exerted. It is to be realized that one cannot play the benevolent act within the current frames wherein benevolence is actually founded upon abuse.

 

We present common sense, the reality of how things function, the blatant truth of what we’ve become in an attempt to make ourselves feel special and unique and with some form of ‘divine seed’ awaiting to sprout some more industrial glitter to give head to further ‘love and light,’ in the hopes of getting ass-ended to the heavens of the 5th dimension – or as I wished upon – dying to forevermore cease to exist so that I would not have to face myself among such humanity that I came to despise, without realizing I was only staring back at me: self victimization as another entertainment of me and my mind alone.

 

We still have the ability to take the ‘Remote Control’ as a single decision to think, do and say what is best for all life, always – We can be carried over by this sense of deindividuation that takes place, wherein we believe that we cannot be ‘spotted on’ for not giving a damn about life, for not standing up ‘who will notice? does anybody care what I had to say? what I do and how I live MY life? Why should I place myself ‘out there’ for people that don’t give a fuck? Well, these might be well known excuses that I have participated in myself that reveal we have to actually make a deliberate action to stand up for life, otherwise the voices in our head will grow bigger than ourselves – in our mind.  It takes guts to be able to place oneself as an example of how we can take our lives from the very filthy bottom of the pit of regret that we get to when realizing what we’ve done, and have the strength to stand up and walk a daily process of self forgiveness, self introspection through writing and deciding to live and apply a practical correction in order to ensure that Never Again do we ever perpetuate what we’ve been and become, of which this world is the unfortunate genuine expression of.

 

Just as the people in Brown’s gameshow decided to NOT give what’s best for all as what they would want for themselves to this man as the main ‘subject’ of the whole experiment, we are living out that single decision in real life, idiotically following through with a system of absolute blatant self abuse wherein no one seems to give a reverend fuck as long as one is protected with enough money to live way and have some entertainment and some nice piece of land to own to look at. What about the rest? who the hell decided that we have the ability to have computers, be able to read or have our elitist lives to only be writing about all that which we have neglected and abused in our lives? yet, we are doing it , because it is what we have, it is the last call before all hell breaks lose even further than it already is, and not hearing what we say when we propose to Choose Life, Choose to Give and Receive what is Best for All, what we All would want for ourselves as the Real demonstration of what Loving our Neighbor should be, to actually create the greatest actual physical heaven on Earth, we decide to spite each other and mock the hell out of it just because ‘we can.’ 

 

Now, after all of this, going into victimization and saying ‘we don’t deserve to live’ can be just another ego game – been there, done that and as such, I direct myself to realize that any form of experience from the realization of what we’ve done and become is just another mind-game to remain in my safe spot of inaction and bypass stander-act that I have so much judged upon other human beings. This is where we realize that this all does not require further large faces and pretentious acts of ‘care,’ as the people at the end of the show reveal themselves to have. I bet the shock only lasted for a couple of hours only to get back into reality, probably still deciding to ruin someone else’s life with as much ease as pressing the button that will lead another piece-of-here toward their own personal doomsday. And still that’s a controlled act, but what about reality that is here where abuse goes inadvertently flying by under our noses every single day.

 

For that matter, this is doomsday to me: having to witness every single day through what we can read on the news, watch in documentaries, read from our very own minds is causing this world to go straight down the drain in  free fall with little to no common sense at all being integrated as who we are on Earth.  It should be a matter of alarm if you while watching the show decide that it would be fun to see the person suffer. And I questioned once the violent acts within the Roman circus with people that would rejoice seeing ‘beasts’ fighting gladiators and all forms of violence as entertainment – we already then knew what kept the masses going and happy: blood, violence, abuse, decay, that is the real show, our own game show wherein we’ve accepted that some must win and some must die. It is, to say the least, unacceptable.

 

So, I breathe and realize that the only way we are ever going to get through this is through learning how to Self-Forgive, learning how to walk practical solutions for every single point of accepted and allowed inequality, separation and neglect toward another fellow being that I have participated in within my life. Resisting or Judging Self  Forgiveness is the only way to actually redeem ourselves from our constant and consistent hideous acts of self interest that we’ve gladly cultivated without a question.

 

Time  to stop waiting around for a mighty and glorious end of the world as that is really just the festive act for the ones that are quite shitscared to face the reality of what we’ve become – I once was there in such lines, I’ve crossed the divide between projecting blame and hatred toward humanity and learned how to take self responsibility, which begins by me stopping m y own accepted and allowed continuation of separation and commit myself to LIVE, to integrate myself as a physical presence within my physical body wherein I learn how to honor each moment of life that I breathe and not participate in any further mind games that have the most consequential outflows upon life.

 

We are an organization worldwide that exists for one single purpose: establishing life in Equality on Earth through a new political and economic system  and currently provides absolutely free self support for over 5 years now of which I I have been a participant of with my own living-process that can be read from head to toe in this same pages you are reading this on. We present a never before given solution for the world’s problems in one single presentation: the Equal Money System, which is essentially doing the least voted options in Derren Brown’s experiment with people: giving to each other what we would want for ourselves, sure these people never took into consideration that such being is themselves, and how anyone that suffers in this world for that matter is also ourselves.

This means that it requires self education to learn how we can only thrive in humanity if we regard each other as equals, and for that we require to continue existing as a living-functional seed of life that has been planted in this murky sea of death and destruction. This opportunity is only lasting for a lifetime. If you decide that you would like to contribute to the minority that is currently deciding any form of benevolence upon others, join us, the more we unite in one single voice as common sense, life in equality and equal money, we can create further awareness of there being a new way of living, one where causing havoc in a being’s life is seen as the blatant abuse that it is and not something we can openly laugh at while hiding behind masks to prevent one from being seen and recognized for our true intentions that are the result of having abdicated our physical common sense in life to a mind that thrives of separation and conflict.

 

“And if you Dare to Live in Self-Interest, without Considering All Other Life as Equal: there will be a Consequence. That Consequence will come, and be Visited upon each one According to what has been Allowed throughout All Time. Man tend to very easily Forget to what Extent he Participate in Disharmony, and will use All Kinds of Ways to Achieve a Higher Consciousness without doing any Restitution to Correct the Harm Accepted and Allowed and Done in his Past Life on Earth.” – Bernard Poolman  – Day 240: Apocalypse in Heaven – ADC – Part 87

 

I’ve chosen to stop my own delusions and walk a self-corrective process in order to learn how to breathe instead of reacting with further anger while witnessing any form of neglect in our reality, as I see, realize and understand that me creating further experiences in my  mind  is no different to existing in the same mind-possessed mechanism that decides upon the very outcomes of life on Earth. unless we stop, this current highway to hell will only be walked fully with no ability to turn back.

‘Hopefully,’ 2012 will become the year that we stop indulging in any form of escapism and desires for change, but instead open our eyes to see to what extent we are actually causing our own doomsday and ‘end of days’  every single day that we reduce our living condition to a single budget sustained by a massive exploitation of resources and call that a ‘life.’

 

We Must Declare what we are willing to accept and allow and what we are not. I declare that I am not willing to accept and allow myself to create a single form of division within me toward another human being in the form of these ‘invisible entities’ as thoughts that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, and that this becomes the actual gift that I would want to receive from any other person: I stop expecting Change outside of myself and Live it As myself.

 

As for Derren, I’ve learned important points in the past few weeks that I’ve been watching his shows online, it’s quite a brilliant way to expose humanity and made as attractive as any form of regular entertainment on national TV, that is genius – and a great source for money as well.

 

Suggestion is: support yourself, learn what common sense in Self Honesty mean, as well as reading all our blogs from the people that are already living this as a living decision of who we really are:  Journey To Life 

 

“We can take these Memories, these Buildings, our Physical Society and we can Change our Relationship to it, and to Each Other to be What is Best for All Life and we can Prevent Apocalypse. We can Change who we are, what we are, how we are, why we are – and a New World will be Born. This Way: the Old World will Pass Away and we’ll Create a New World. Then, we can Create a New Heaven because the Old One has already Passed Away.

Will we do so? Unfortunately, at this stage – it will still take Quite a While.” – Bernard Poolman

 

I will follow through in the next posts with respective self forgiveness for that usual impetus I get into whenever I react in any way toward this ‘mass’ that I belong to as humanity, which was the main reason I plead for the world to end in 2012, Self Responsibility and the ability to Stand Up is what I got.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process 

“Join us at Desteni DIP Lite. The Journey to Change is Not Easy. If it was easy to Change, everybody would have. But because it is the most Difficult thing you’ll Ever Face, Real Change: very Few are Willing to Give Up their Lives as it exist now, to Give Up this One Life – to Produce on Earth a New World For All. That is the Great Service anyone can Give: Give up Self-Interest, to Serve the Interest of All, as what is Best for All Life. “  Bernard Poolman

Equal Money System

Taking Off the Mask – 2008

 

Watch:

• Derren Brown – The Experiments: The Gameshow

• Too Lazy to Change

• 2012 The End of Times & a New Desteni for Humanity

• 2012 The World Ends with You – old vid Jan, 2012

• 2012: The Journey to Here as Earth by Bernard Poolman – Desteni2012

• 2012 Imagine: Getting a Life Review – 1 – YouTube

 

Read:

• Day 240: Apocalypse in Heaven – ADC – Part 87

• Day 241: Habits as God – ADC – Part 88

• The Chosen One: DAY 241

• Deindividuation

HEAR:

• Hell Spoof! Free – Music Download

• Life Review – A Doomsday Activist

• The Domino Effect of Unknown History – Part 134

• Demons in the Afterlife – Part 14

• Quantum Systemization – The Maze of Amazement System – Part 4

240. Inequality in Education: Everyone’s Responsibility

“the Education System that caters for only a select few Intellectuals that in the Teacher’s eyes are guarded as “special, important, unique, elitist, chosen” with regards to Intellect and their Future in/as the World System, with the World System again in its relationship to MONEY only cater for a minority / select few in their relationship to Money to be “special, important, unique, elitist, chosen”. And in this – the Teachers, and also not those within the World System, would ever consider standing up for an equal and one solution to ensure that All Children have an equal and one opportunity to Education, and so eventually Money; because we’re all so blinded by Hope/Promise in our Minds that one day something may/might Change, while we continue living in/as the systems of this world that is perpetuating inequality, separation and Consequence. All of which is the same that 2012, that those that define themselves as “special, important, unique, elitist, chosen”, would remain so in their Minds, in their relationship to their Hope and Promise, without ever questioning, but “what about an actual, real, tangible Equal and One Solution for all, within and as this Physical Existence”, and would not have a ‘care in the World about the Rest’…Only Themselves.” – Sunette Spies*

 

Continuing from:

• 230. Opposing My Roots
• 235. Intelligence = Profitable Props for the Ego
• 236. Perfect Slave with Badges of Honor
• 237. Living IntelliSense as Life in Equality
• 238. I KNOW I Can
• 239. Preventing Failures in Life

 

I will share some ingrained memories I have wherein at the moment I placed myself to review the inequality I witnessed in the schooling system, the memories that came up were those that I experienced from first grade of kindergarten to 1st grade of elementary school – three different contexts and people wherein I created the awareness of there being people that had a really tough time within school, but, I did nothing about it, I simply stared just as everyone else and accepted the fact that there was something inherently wrong within them.  As Sunette explains in the quote above, I played that role of being ‘the teacher’s favorite,’ and have placed myself in the victimized position of being teased for being that, even if many others wanted my position: both poles or any ‘side’ for that matter that is not standing in equality is equally fucked, because even if you get the recognition from the adults, you get bashed by your peers. This is how it is so vital to expose how within this ‘good/bad’ student and everyone else in between create the basis of inequality within society, because one grows up believing that one is really a ‘chosen one’ to become this great thing and that there will invariably those that will have to be below you for whatever reasons – I.Q., economic standards, ethnicity, apparent lack of skills etc.  And I witnessed that myself. 

 

The points Ill share here are the moments wherein within me I went into a ‘cannot compute’ experience, simply because of probably wanting to ‘do something about it,’ but just like any other group psychology situation, I remained quiet, I accepted the outcomes without a question. One can say, well you were a little kid, but the fact that these memories are still here imply that I was in fact aware of what went on that it created an effect within me in order to create certain beliefs of people’s abilities and skills.

 

School system – Writing

What happens is that you become completely enthralled with this idea of success that one miss out all those ‘left behind’ that just like with ‘poor people,’ the usual belief is that it’s their fault, they are lazy, they don’t do things properly, they have certain nutritional problems and their minds can’t function properly, they just can’t ever be good enough, they are poor and their parents were poor and have no proper education – all of this is part of what I have participated as well within backchat, without ever questioning further why was this monetary inequality an aspect that could influence a person’s development in school.

 

The inequality witnessed in school began as early as kindergarten in my experience and first memories.  At the end of first year of kindergarten, we were going through our final evaluations that consisted of identifying the colors and some other basic stuff, and one of  my classmates could not learn the colors properly, he failed twice – or maybe more times probably – to differentiate them and he essentially was declared as the first kid that had ever flunked  first grade of kindergarten… I was shocked and saddened for him, I could not ‘get it,’ why he could not learn the colors and would always get it wrong. I remember others making fun of it of course, I could not make fun of that, but did think there was something inherently wrong because to me it was ‘so easy’ – but then came the usual shoving the point aside as an  ‘anyways!’ and accepting the fact that he was lazy with school work and he simply was inherently flawed.  He was taken to another school and as such, just like anything else that ‘came to pass’ I never questioned such event ever again until now.

 

Next memory is third grade – kindergarten – exchange student from New York, he was taken to my school since it was a bilingual one. I can’t understand how I was able to pick up what he was saying – or maybe I made it all up  since I was only 6 years old – but we got to know that his parents were getting divorced, he was like 8 years old but was placed in our grade to learn Spanish. He was in such an emotional turmoil, he’d cry in class, throw tantrums and everyone including myself would only stare at him as if he was quite the rare specimen for behaving that way in school which would distract others and essentially take the teacher’s attention to calm him down, also he would not generally be willing to participate with the rest of the activities. I ended up liking him and playing with him sometimes and found out he was ‘normal’ when not dealing with school stuff, seems he was only having a problem with authority and our grumpy teacher, who I must say was a good teacher, but extremely strict for kindergarten kids and was quite impatient, so… he suffered a lot with her. Lol he would whisper us all the answers in our English class, but obviously he did not do good in any other subject besides English,  it’s as if he was in school in an attempt for someone to educate him while his parents were missing out a crucial time of his upbringing and on top of that, in a foreign country among kids that cannot understand everything you’re saying, quite an irresponsible move from everyone involved in that.

We never question how the lives of such children will be affected  in their educational process at school by external situations,  such as parents breaking up and only reprimand them further for not being able to ‘focus and pay attention’  instead of actually learning how to speak with them and establish a point of support throughout their experience.  I do remember my teacher speaking a lot with him, I would get a sense of tension and nervousness because of not knowing what to do while witnessing the levels of instability he presented – one can say that in our  current definitions of ‘mental disorders’ he would have probably been medicated, not sure even if he even was already. He was hyperactive and quite a cool kid obviously, but it’s really unacceptable how we do not have any form of consideration and regard to support people that are mostly living out a consequential outflow of some parental irresponsibility, as well as an education system that is not designed to consider the individual’s experience and provide specialized support for them.

 

Third memory – primary school, first grade, 7 years old. One of our classmates that I realized was from a ‘lower class’ is asked to go to the blackboard to do some basic maths. Now, this point I have to make clear, I grew up going to private schools, this is a ‘common thing’ when your parents have sufficient money to do so, just because public schools here are not providing ‘great education’ and obviously, the majority of the population is educated in them. Proof is I had one just around the corner of my house and I would go to one far away just to have the education that I got.  And so, it was a well known fact that people with scarce money would go to public schools – and parents that would make a big effort to send their kids to private schools were then quite a rare thing to witness, but it was so with this kid.  So, he went up to the blackboard and he simply stared at it, twitching his eyes, running in circles throughout the whole process only managing to mark lots of dots on the blackboard, but no number at all, he was quite nervous, so much that I would get nervous as well while looking at him, asking myself how come he can’t do that basic simple operation! I don’t know how or why. But I immediately associated the fact that ‘he didn’t have much money, his parents were not that well educated, hence he had learning problems.’ He had lots of problems to ‘make it,’ he only lasted one or two years within the same school, same problem: too strict, almost zero tolerance to kids fucking up which proves the point of how throughout the years we ended up being reduced to a group of 7 people and that was quite the ‘perfect’ elitist learning experience, which is what I owe to greatly my current skills.

Just to give you an idea of what happens when you work in a reduced group at school: we began looking at topics that were meant for junior high – such as algebra, trigonometry, equations, etc. in our last grade of elementary school. We were able to finish our regular curriculum long before the scheduled time and so, we would go out to museums, factories to witness production processes and other places. We then would go out to eat, watch movies and so forth, lol, it was certainly not a regular  school experience, most certainly a privileged one I’d say – but I had no reference of other kid’s experience except through TV or something like that. which I later on went through as well and realized what a ‘real school experience’ was in terms of having different ‘types of people’ and everyone just getting along with certain people and still having the same fucked up hierarchical schemes of ‘good students and bad students,’ that remained a constant of course. Even in the reduced number of 7, hierarchical positions remained just because of how grading systems work.

 

So, we can see how the optimal point of education would be to not have a schooling experience like the one we have now, but maybe smaller groups of study that can learn the basic skills, math, language and have personalized support to develop one’s skills and interests. This learning process in an Equal Money System won’t be any longer motivated as an indoctrination process to ‘equalize people’ to a hierarchical system, but rather giving actual support to people to develop themselves.

Also in the equality system, education will begin at home with the parents, we are able to develop an equal stability that will reflect upon the child’s development in the learning process and throughout their entire lifetime. We can already see how this primordial flaws that begin at home and how the first days at school can define a person’s experience for a lifetime. It is absolutely ridiculous to accept the ‘limitations’ I have placed in this blog as ‘real problems’ or unsurpassable obstacles. Hence, we are here to definitely become aware of what we’ve become and how we have to essentially start from scratch to educate ourselves as living beings that are able to support each other to Live, because in the end, that’s what actually Matters within the Education process:  stopping linking education to survival-mode skills to make the most money through competing against others,  which is the enforced conditioning we currently call ‘educational process’

 

To come, self forgiveness, self corrective statements for having never questioned the privileged life in education I had and how within that, I inherently accepted the above mentioned ‘flaws’ and inequality while continuing my career to seek my personal interests and leaving the rest ‘behind,’ without asking any further questions.

• 
  

  Desteni 

• Desteni Forum

• Desteni Lite Process

• Equal Money System

• Read our blogs at 7 Year Journey To Life 

 

Blogs:

HOPE – the Metaphysical Carrot (Part 4): DAY 240

Day 240: Apocalypse in Heaven – ADC – Part 87

This blog is part of the After Death Communication Series

 

Interviews:

• Life Review – I am a Nerd and Proud of it

• Revision de Vida – Soy un Nerd y Orgulloso de ello

• Life Review – My Life as a Teacher

• Life Review – High Expectations for my Child’s Future

• The Soul of Money – Part 7

• Bernard Poolman – What the FAQ – Equal Money System

195. The Righteousness of Evil

 

“And I questioned myself many times why it was like me wanting to simply ‘let go’ of such nagging experience, without realizing that it won’t just be ‘gone’ by me kind of only ‘thinking’ about it and coming to realizations like ‘oh yes, it’s the evil in me’ and turn around and keep going with my ‘life.’ Of course it cannot work like that, that’s precisely how we have lived as humanity, just wanting to brush-off, neglect and hide the actuality of our inner experience.”

 

Continuation to 194. Let the Mask Fall!

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to every time that I would get into an experience of discomfort and general uneasiness within myself to not further investigate within me what was it that I was experiencing, but only brush it aside, believe it would ‘go away’ with time, thinking that I simply had to just breathe through it and not look as myself, my own creation, my own reflection– which is another way of simply trying to cover up my actual experience by creating another ‘state of being,’ which would compensate the inherent inner experience of there being something ‘nagging’ within me that I apparently could not ‘define,’ with a positive experience as righteousness.

I realize that I did this without realizing that it was in fact the beingness of myself that was not being looked at in fact as the actual thoughts, backchat and internal conversations that I would righteously believe were ‘right’ and a proper ‘assessment’ of reality, never ever considering how everything that I was thinking and creating an experience about, was never about the environment but it was always about myself only.

 

When and as I see myself going into this ‘nagging/ discomfort’ within myself in my every day living – no matter where or with whom – I stop and I breathe – I realize that there is Something going on that Must Not be just ignored, as it is actually an indication that I’ve been thinking about something and not wanting to look at it, as that would mean actually facing the reality of myself as the thoughts, ideas, projections that I usually participate in, but that I had righteously believed is ‘proper’ and ‘acceptable’ for me to just ‘let be’ and continue going. I realize that All thoughts, All backchat, All experience that I might initially see as ‘indefinable’ actually has a beginning/ a starting point Within/ As Me that I must work with within myself to actually face the reality that I’ve become, instead of wanting to brush it off/ leave it for later and believe it is Not-important, while it is in fact in those seemingly ‘unimportant moments’ that the key to get to know the exact detail of myself really resides in.

 

I commit myself to stop brushing aside, leaving for later the immediate self-investigation through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application about an inner experience that I have generally defined as ‘nagging/ bothering’ which has remained undefined due to me not having deliberately worked with such experiences as an active part of my process out of Fearing seeing the reality of myself, but only believe that it will go away eventually by simply ‘not participating’ – I realize that One cannot just ‘not participate’ in it and believe it will go away, but see that if it is Here and coming up within me as an energetic experience – no matter how slight it may be – it is still indicating a point that I have to look at.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately diminish the actual inner experience that I termed as just ‘undefined/ bothering/ nagging’ experience as this ‘something’ that would eventually go a way and within this diminishment, creating further separation to see myself As that experience, because of the fear of looking at myself As such thoughts, experiences and assessments, without realizing how it is time to start digging into the ‘hidden corridors and dark places’ as I was suggested to do years ago in order to no longer be bound to a barrier that I’ve created toward what I see within myself and what I see ‘toward others’ as separate from me. Thus it is to realize that everything that I have held as a limitation toward Life in Equality as Evil, as the reverse of life – which includes morals, beliefs, ideas, preferences, judgments, backchat toward ‘others’ and reality as a whole – is what I have to take back to self, in order to stop projecting a point of separation through an assessment in my mind instead of taking responsibility for myself As it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an identity of ‘righteousness’ within my mind assessments wherein within allowing such experiences, backchat and ‘views’ upon reality became a way to also ‘slip in’ points of personality and the self religion that are the threads that are still binding me to that single aspect of myself that is not yet standing as an equal and one part that I have walked through a process of self forgiveness and self corrective application – thus in essence, still keeping some ‘Evil’ as the reverse of life for the benefit of who I am as the mind, leaving it ‘untouched’ as if it had to be ‘there’ for the benefit of my own self-believed righteousness that cannot obviously make sense other than keeping me bound to a limited existence as the mind only and not being willing to stand in the face of the ‘opposite’ as myself as well.

 

When and as I see myself becoming righteous about what I am thinking and experiencing and believing that I can just ‘let it be’ for the moment and only later on end up forgetting it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the specificity with which I have to become aware of myself is now requiring me to not just ‘leave things for later/ aside’ whenever the least energetic experience is Here as an indication that there is a point to work with, which will be mostly regarding something that is still an aspect I have not dared to look within myself, because of having lived a life of constantly projecting/ assessing/ analyzing others without seeing how it all was in fact about myself.

 

I realize the nagging experience has been going through quick processes of assessing the moment as people, places, events, situation wherein I quickly ‘make up my mind’ about who I am within such experiences/ moments and within that, not allowing me to see that everything that I have in fact assessed is only revealing me to myself, as it cannot be ‘how things are’ when getting an experience out of it – thus it is to not look at it as separate from me, as this is the grave mistake that I’ve made and lived as the evil wherein I had washed my hands from ‘assessing’ reality, while neglecting the fact that I have to work with the point myself in order to then be aware of ‘who I am’ as such point, walk the correction and as such, be able to support myself and others equally not from the vantage point of simply judging, but identifying who am I within this assessment, what is my experience, walk the correction so that I can stand clear and self directive instead of reacting to my own suppressed patterns and projecting it onto others/ reality.

 

I realize that the most effective way to walk this process is always taking the points back to self in order to see if there is any experience coming up and within this, being willing to face Within Me that which I thought, believed or consider ‘does not exist in me,’ which is a defense mechanism of the mind in order to remain in a righteous position about myself in reality, which can only exist as ego.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this prefabricated/ default position of being ‘good/ right’ and always having the ‘right assessment’ over myself and reality wherein anything/ anyone that may contradict so would be assessed as them speaking of their own weakness, without realizing that such weakness and assessment to ‘win over’ the situation is in fact the aspects that stand as the evil that do not allow ourselves to get to an equal agreement of how to proceed/ work as equals in order to coexist within principles that are best for all, instead of creating further conflict and hidden judgment and accumulation of experiences Toward other beings, simply because of not allowing ourselves to let go of the righteousness that is indicating the ego of the mind of ‘always being right’ as opposed to walking in humbleness which means being willing to face ourselves as the actual evil-assessment/ backchat/ thoughts toward an event, person/ situation to in fact see what it is that we are still playing out as a character that always wants to win/ be right / get the most out of a situation, which is always the aspect that leads to an unequal result.

 

When and as I see myself being righteous about a position without taking the necessary moment to bring the point back to myself, place myself in the shoes of the person/ situation, realize who I am within it and how I can direct it to an equal and one outcome that will always result in what’s best for all.

 

I commit myself to realize that whenever I am making an assessment of my reality is an actual mirror of myself and what I am existing as, and as such, if this assessment contains an energetic experience/ possession about something or someone, it is indicating that I am not yet standing clear as one and equal to the point, but that I require to first look at myself as such assessment, walk the necessary self forgiveness in order to realize that the experience is not about the being/ situation/ event in itself, but it’s actually myself and an indication that I require to take responsibility for my reaction/ experience before allowing myself to make a decision on how to direct myself. Within this is to ensure that I take the necessary moment/ time for this, instead of wanting to immediately come up with a solution that is also part of the ego-rushing desire to do things right away/ immediately which leads to further time loops is there is not an ability yet to see directly in an equal and one consideration of the situation/ people/ event.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a constant denial of these ‘assessments’ made toward other beings being in fact only about myself and within this, believing that I had nothing to ‘do about it’ because it was apparently ‘not me’ – however, it is actually an indication of the self-righteousness that exist toward our identification with our thoughts/ experiences having a ‘right to exist’ instead of realizing that as long as I am taking a position that is only benefitting my own deliberate neglect to who I am as my mind, I am in fact not standing equal and one to my reality/ environment and require to take the point back to self, to ensure that I am actually seeing Myself first, correcting me first instead of immediately projecting it onto others to not do the process of self-correction myself, which is rather foolish when looking at it as is.

 

When and as I see myself denying seeing myself within every single thought and experience that I have projected onto others – I stop and I breathe – I realize that who I have become is nothing else but the accumulation of these thoughts and experiences that I have projected onto others in means of defending myself as my own mind from realizing that I am in fact all of which I think about ‘others’/ an external point and reality. Thus

 

I commit myself to see how as long as there are points that I am not immediately taking back to self to walk the process of self correction, the nagging experience will continue as it is the accumulation of me having brushed aside/ left for later/ deliberately neglected moments where the actual key to realizing who I am as the person/ environment/ situation exists as myself – this is within the understanding that as long as I hold a right/ wrong and good/bad position toward another, I am still reflecting the limited version of myself that is not yet fully standing equal and one as everything and everyone, no matter how ‘harsh’ or how ‘bad’ or how ‘evil’ it may seem, as it is precisely the harsh, evil, bad, negative, pessimistic aspect that I have projected and dissociated from myself in my mind so as to not have to take responsibility for it – thus I commit myself to take responsibility for every single thought, belief, idea of myself as being ‘right’ and ‘the good person’ at all times with the ‘right judgment’ which leads to a ego position that is not willing to look at ‘the bad/ negative/ pessimistic’ that I must ensure I walk as myself in order to not allow such judgments to stand in the way of becoming a point that is able to stand one and equal to all parts of reality without separation – and this is what it is to be facing the ‘Evil’ as ourselves, as I finally understand that as long as we keep the least idea, belief or perception of something/ someone being a single definition that stands in separation of ourselves as equals, I am part of the separation that maintains this entire world system as is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the righteousness that I’ve held has been in fact the evil aspect that has refrained me from standing one and equal as everything/ all here, because as long as I hold a value, judgment, belief and thought projected onto others believing that it is not about myself, the righteousness is preventing my own self-understanding/ seeing as one and equal – which indicates the reverse of Live as Evil that must be scrutinized as our own mind which actually allows me to see every moment what is it that I am separating myself from, as these are all indicated through the thoughts, experiences and reactions I hold toward others/ reality which is myself.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am not responsible for the thoughts that I have because of them being an ‘assessment’ upon others/ reality, I stop and I breathe  I realize that self responsibility for everything we do, say, speak must be absolute so that I can in fact stand as an equal and one part of myself – because as long as a single value, judgment, belief, thought, experience is created upon reality, it indicates that personality/  ego is still being the directive force and not self as the unconditional stance of the physicality that I  am.

 

I commit myself to take the necessary breaths and moment to ensure that whatever I voice/ think and do is standing as an expression of myself that I can stand as for eternity – and that my single belief of this being ‘too far fetched’ to say ‘eternity’ is actually a point of ego that I must also walk through in order to stand as the full authority that I’ve abdicated as part of the evil/ reverse of living that I have believed myself to be wherein I have been limiting my own Write-ousness to right myself as that which I am willing to be/ stand as life/what is here as myself, without the ‘nagging’ limitation of me being only ‘in a process’ and placing the point of self realization as some ‘future outcome’ instead of seeing it as myself, here, as  I breathe, one and equal. 

 

 

Now, this is  a general Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application with regards to who I have been as a particular character that would stand as righteous within the ‘good/ positive’ aspect, taking a vantage position within that in order to not have to face every single judgment I made upon others as myself. Thus, the next step and process is to the denial of the evil within my reality and how I would only ‘cope with it’ existing in actual fear to realize that exists as myself as well, also who I am toward the relationships that I formed as a point of attraction due to the separation that I was existing as toward my own ‘evil side’ myself, and as such creating an energetic relationship to it through people/ things/ habits/ places, etc.  in order for me to not have to face it as myself, but always remain on the ‘safe side’ of the observer that is mostly an egotistical position toward our reality, as we cannot claim we are not part of something that is already here as ourselves.

 

Thus, I’ll continue deconstructing the righteousness/ goodness personality in relation to the ‘evil’ projected onto others/ the world instead of seeing it directly first as myself and walking the self correction within it to finally stand as one and equal to all parts and all aspects of myself.

Desteni

Desteni Lite Process

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

Desteni Forum 

 

Blogs:

• The Three Wise Monkeys (Part 2): DAY 195

• 
  

  A History with Life After Death – Part 29

  
  

  Demons in the Afterlife

 

Interviews:

• • Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 1) – Part 111

  • Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 2) – Part 112

 

• Surrounded by Loved Ones – Yet Still Being Alone – Life Review

 

• Reptilians – Secret Agenda to Prevent Self Realization (Part 1) – Part 113

 

• Reptilians – Secret Agenda to Prevent Self Realization (Part 2) – Part 114

194. Let the Mask Fall!

The beginning of the Evil Series

For some time we’ve been reading about Evil and how it is a primary point to start dissecting within ourselves in order to – obviously – get to know ourselves as the totality and actuality of what we’ve become, which has been mostly covered-up by make-up ideas of goodness, benevolence, positivity and ‘goodheartedness’ that is like a constant self-talk of ‘I’m good, let’s do good, let’s become better human beings, let’s be more this/that’ while in fact, neglecting the so called ‘darkness’ of ourselves that is required to be scrutinized within ourselves in order to finally stand on our own two feet without any veils to not see the evil that we are and have become.

Within this, it is to realize that this is not only about morals of ‘good and bad’ but seeing the inherent nature of ‘who we are’ as evil that is mostly covered up with ideas, beliefs and yes, concepts created around ‘good/ benevolence’ and everything that touches upon the light-love-airy-fairy view of reality, which is simply a make-believe system just like anything else. However, who and what we are as individuals, as the mind, as our beingness is in fact Not good, otherwise the world would be corrected/ solved/ changed a long time ago. 

Now, you might go into the idea of this being pessimistic and whatnot, but it is in fact within such characters that we hide ourselves from the reality that we’ve become by trying to become a better person, and it is Not about becoming a better person as that would imply that I am trying to ‘make up for’ the past, the who I have become out of guilt, remorse and further cover-ups to the reality, the ‘truth’ of ourselves that we keep always there in the secret mind.

I wanted to begin writing about this topic for some days here in my Journey To Life blogs, however I decided to give proper finish to my procrastination character and begin this one, which will most likely be going in depth to what I accepted and allowed myself to become within, first of all, all the cover-ups to not have to face the inherent evil within me. It’s interesting how even writing it out this idea of me being pessimistic or dramatic or ‘satanizer’ comes up, however it is just any other word that depicts that side of ourselves that we have tried so hard to ‘overcome’ and ‘make better’ and ‘spice up’ with all types of experiences in our reality that in no way have ever in fact changed our real nature, otherwise, again, we would have come to a sensate consensus of  what is best for all to live and apply in our reality. Now here ‘con’ comes from consentire = ‘agree’ – con also means with and sensus = senses with a direct sense based on what is physical in this reality, which is not something that can be labeled as good or bad in itself, but our actions and ways of approaching reality have in fact become polarized to create and generate this inherent conflict that is ‘constantly there’ as who we are and have become, which is what I will be explaining here. 

Now, this all begun some days ago when watching Maya Harel’s video  Day 187 – EVIL — Journey to Life which is a blog review on Heaven’s Journey To Life blogs on Evil

and this is a note I made for myself:

The point that has come up while watching Maya’s video is how I have experienced this evil even in the most supportive environments where everything is seemingly ‘fine’ and still, there is this nagging, uncomfortable experience within me, not being able to just ‘pin point’ it, it’s always just there and then thoughts would emerge such as ‘is there something wrong with me?’ ‘why can’t I be normal and just enjoy this?’  without realizing that, such experience was/ has been probably the ‘evil aspect’ of myself that I haven’t allowed myself to really look into, because of always believing that this ‘thing’ would somehow recede through time. Hell no, it is this experience wherein we are not completely comfortable within ourselves no matter what a ‘pretty picture’ of environment we are in. It becomes almost like this battle of trying to ‘keep up the ‘good and positive’ based on knowledge and information of the environment being supportive, of the people being supportive– We try and fully embrace the moment but, there’s this ‘something’ all the time and it just seems not possible to simply be here, fully stable or even enjoying the moment, it just doesn’t ‘go away,’  it is this constant experience of there something being ‘wrong’ within ourselves – and this constant nagging experience is what I can spot as my own deliberate negligence to face the ‘truth’ of myself, as evil.

 

And I questioned myself many times why it was like me wanting to simply ‘let go’ of such nagging experience, without realizing that it won’t just be ‘gone’ by me kind of only ‘thinking’ about it and coming to realizations like ‘oh yes, it’s the evil in me’ and turn around and keep going with my ‘life.’ Of course it cannot work like that, that’s precisely how we have lived as humanity, just wanting to brush-off, neglect and hide the actuality of our inner experience. What comes to mind is this video that I would watch several times while growing up, and it depicts this standard humanization of the ‘happy go lucky lives’ while hiding the real evil behind at all times (Blackhole sun – Soundgarden – quirky point is that this is post 194 and ‘94’ resonates within me as the year that I became aware of the ‘world’ through TV and becoming used to watching gruesome/ explicit acts on TV and essentially facing this ‘evil’ nature – same year I became used to being fascinated by everything that would challenge what was accepted as good/ benevolent and developing my personality around that, however only at a surface value)

To understand happiness as the ultimate brainwash for control of the masses and proliferation of capitalism, watch The Trap – this is how happiness, love and light has been the control-system of humanity not only within our ‘capitalist era’ but throughout our entire existence as humanity – and that you can understand by studying Heaven’s Journey To Life blogs and Reptilian interviews at Eqafe.

The images were disturbing just like anything I watched that year when I was 7 years and seeing a ‘broader picture’ of reality through TV – lol, interesting, getting to know humanity through the TV. And even within this realizing that everything that we get to see/hear/ read cannot be just labeled as ‘brainwashing’ without understanding first how even such deliberate demonstration of ‘the human nature’ is in fact existent because We in fact have become That and it is thus used for further entertainment purposes, wow.  So this video contains various aspects that I got ‘hooked on’ throughout my life which was this ‘end of days’ type of depiction while presenting humans as ‘mindless robots’ within a prefab type of ‘lifestyle’ – this also brings me to the realization of how I created this separation between the façade of ‘who I am’ and how I would actually experience myself throughout my entire life.

 

This is, for example, not being able to understand why I would only paint seemingly ‘bad/ negative/ pessimistic’ stuff and in the outside I was seen as this normal, happy, young person. I could not ‘compute’ myself within this. And so, that’s why it always seemed so ‘fake’ whenever I was expected to act/ be a certain way and present an image for the sake of society, parents, school, etc. I became quite aware of becoming this two side-side person which was also depicted in some of my early art  and even beyond throughout the years, the same would still ‘come up.’  That’s how I went through my rebellious teenage years of being like this pessimist existentialist that lead me Nowhere of course, other than consuming myself in reading books of which I can gather absolutely Nothing that can be lived in Self-Honesty. Well, probably a few words from Douglas Coupland, however he went too spiritual and seeking god somehow. And yes, that’s why I also sought god at some point, and went into spirituality because the sole idea of me being ‘stuck’ in this emptiness – which I had gone through in my teenage years/ late childhood even – was simply unbearable and so, I sought to get myself ‘out in the world’ by deliberately portraying myself as someone more optimistic and friendly, even the scheme of my clothes changed from only black t-shirts to various bright colors, lol,  Oh boy, I tried hard, I really did, but didn’t matter how bright my appearance looked, the same ‘nagging experience’ where it all seemed too fake to fool myself simply kept popping up, rearing all the time behind my back when I tried to simply ‘have a good time’ and become to what I thought was ‘being a normal person,’ which involved being friendly and nice and going out, meeting people – Oh well, that can be another personality in itself of course, but it was all based within me wanting to just ‘get rid of’ this me-isness, like ‘get off of me!’ …

 

It never did, not even when I thought my life was perfect with having gotten everything that I supposedly wanted and desired in terms of the specific people I had desired to be with, the specific things, the specific likes, dislikes, so called talents and everything was just ‘there’ like here! be happy! and I just couldn’t, and that’s what I’ve explained many times before throughout this entire process of writing myself out, however I had never tapped it into what it is: this beingness that is actually me, that I only probably painted pictures on, projected onto others instead of seeing Me, getting to know who I have become as this ‘inexplicable’ experience, which is not pessimistic, I simply found it hard to fool myself to be enjoying life at all. And that is because I simply tried to cover up the experience with many things, doing various activities, tried relationships, people and a looong etc. – and it would never go away.

 

A memory pops up, one of my ‘best friends’ at the time would explain to me about this constant presence he could not bear – yes he tried multiple times to ‘commit suicide’ and overdose on whatever he could buy over the counter, though the point is how to me this was ‘too puzzling’ to understand, as if his experience was something absolutely ‘alien’ to me, not realizing that I had always experienced the same but actually, was too fearful to get to know it – and this is the KEY here, ‘I was too fearful to get to see that same ‘nature’ within me’ and that’s how I deliberately would take the position of the ‘good doer friend’ that tried to get everyone back on track to the ‘good side,’ without seeing myself As them and realizing that I was precisely being there with them because the exact same thing was existing within me. Fascinatingly enough, I would veer toward people that were comfortable with this aspect of themselves, however I always saw myself as this ‘little lamb of god’ next to them, lol, which is plainly delusional and existent as, yes, the ‘good person’ character.

Part of the writings I came up with while reviewing ‘the evil’ some days ago, was how friends would reflect me/ who I am, just as any other relationship I formed and this is something I denied at all times, to me I was the ‘good nurse’ and that was it, nothing to do with them being my mirror ‘noooo waaay, I am a gooood peeeerson’ – right.  Even the image of being ‘the nurse’ may already indicate the type of role I played and that I can still see till this day comes up at times with trying to ‘support others’ and ‘save them’ instead of focusing on myself and sharing my own process of how I have ‘saved myself from myself,’ which also explains my particular affinity to types of music, which in this case is diverting the attention to the ‘outside’ and kind of ‘identifying’ with others and what they were saying and becoming in their ‘beingness,’ instead of developing an intimate relationship with me, beginning with yes, looking at the ‘dark side of the moon’ that I always kind of brushed aside believing that ‘I was not that, noooo, I am a good person,’ and! Because I didn’t have the guts to admit that existed within me as well, which is how we become fascinated with something as an energetic relationship of Further separation, instead of standing one and equal to that which we find disturbingly fascinating.

 

The truth may be seemingly harsh, but it’s bee rather fascinating finally realizing how silly it was to try and keep covering up, because of fearing ending up as ‘dreary’ as I perceived others to be.

 

There’s much to come, this is just the beginning.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for so long try and hide or brush off looking at the ‘evil’ within me, even if I heard it a thousand times for the past  years at Desteni, and instead simply looked on the surface of it without really being willing to ‘dig into the dark corridors and hidden corners’ that I had been suggested to do, but remained on the ‘surface’ of portraying myself as only a ‘good person’ with bits of flaws here and there, which is what caused this ‘dissonance’ within me, not being able to stand here facing myself absolutely because of still hiding things From Myself even, thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to remain hiding the reality and truth of myself as the inherent evil that I’ve become, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this resistance to look within myself were based on having judgments toward ‘evil’ implanted as a child wherein I was taught to only seek to be a good girl/ good person and as such, stick to ‘all things positive’ no matter what, which leads to our actual ‘cannot compute’ status where we don’t know how to Deal with the evil coming up within ourselves, and so, evolve our minds through positive personalities to try and cover it all up even more, without being willing to instead, look at who we are as the evil just the same way that we look at ourselves as ‘the good’ and remove both conditions, to instead walk a process of deliberately doing/ establishing ourselves as what is best for all life. 

I realize that this ‘best for all’ is nor positive nor negative as that can only exist within energy relationships toward ourselves and others – best for all is the way that we can describe the physical way of establishing an agreement between all parts here coexisting that can lead to an outcome that is best for all. Thus, the good and evil is walked through a process of removing the conditions imposed toward ourselves as our mind and beingness in order to integrate a consideration toward everything and everyone as one and equal as ourselves.

 

I commit myself to give myself direction within the walking of this ‘fear of evil/ good person’ character as the necessary process to dissect all aspects that I had denied, suppressed, neglected of myself in order to keep only the bright side showing – thus, this is no longer a point of morality as only good or bad, but understanding self as the actual inherent nature we’ve become and walk the necessary process to correct ourselves with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self corrective application and living that which we write ourselves as, within the principle of each one of us becoming the necessary change/ correction that is required in this world.

 

Desteni

Desteni Lite Process 

Desteni I Process 

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System 

 

Now, vital material to get yourself started on ‘How to Face the Evil in You’ –

• Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 1) – Part 111

• Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 2) – Part 112

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 18

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 22+23

• The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 13

• Atlanteans – Why the Nature of Man is inherently Evil – Part 33

• Life Review – The Benevolence of Evil

 

Blogs:

• The Three Wise Monkeys (Part 1): DAY 194

• Day 194: After Death Communications – Part 43 : Preparing to Face the Demonic (Part 2)

191. Anger and Irritation upon Procrastination– Self Correction

 

Consequences within the Procrastination Character – Self Corrective Statements and Commitments

This is  a continuation to: 189. Anger and Irritation upon Procrastination – Self Forgiveness from the day October 21, 2012

When and as I see myself experiencing anger and irritation toward my own neglect and deliberate brushing off of responsibilities that I’ve committed myself to do – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to add a layer of emotional turmoil to that which is required to be done and given direction to in physical reality.

I commit myself to stop participating in anger and this is a process – yes – as I see and realize that the anger that I have exerted toward something/ someone outside of myself are stemming from me only and that it is Never about others. (Listen to the Quantum Mind series Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 22+23)

Thus I realize that anything could trigger this experience within me as it is in fact only me being angry at myself for not having corrected/ given direction to points within my world and reality wherein any point can become a trigger point to exert my own creation toward my own actions/ inactions.

 

When and as I see myself creating a rush about things, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I cannot move faster than the physical space time and within that, it is pointless to create a rush within me to direct/ move/ sort out things which is actually an energetic input stemming as a direct consequence to my own parsimony toward the time required for the task that I have neglected.

 

When and as I see myself recriminating myself for not having done something over time, I stop and I breathe – I realize that creating an experience of anger and irritation about the time spent having remain ‘stuck’ within one point, is further mind possession that requires a physical direction in the moment, which I suggest is writing it out in order to see how I can practically stop the emotional turmoil and give myself proper direction which implies, breathing, stabilizing  myself and then continuing with the task that must be done.

I commit myself to work closely with my emotional reactions to ensure that I am not  using Self Forgiveness as a way to exert the emotions without giving it immediate self direction, as that would obviously nullify the point of Self Forgiveness.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to lash out/ exert my anger toward the world because of my own procrastination and unresolved points that I Know I have to direct, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within exerting my own unresolved points toward others is abdicating my responsibility and further victimization wherein I see that this is a pattern that I also learned from what I saw at home and developed myself which just emerged here as I write – so through self forgiveness first:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within being angry and irritated for things not going ‘my way’ exert such anger toward others so that others in that moment could also be aware of my anger and even wanting to deliberately affect them with my anger so that I am actually creating a point of power over others through making them react in fear toward my anger/ become angry themselves, wherein the experience is then only fueled without any correction but simply wanting to deliberately make others angry/ experience the same I was experiencing, which reveals to what extent when there is no self-awareness of what we are in fact accepting and allowing to exist within us, we lash out our experience toward others without caring how it is affecting others – within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider how my own anger affects others and how I am in fact responsible not only for myself, but for the experience that I instigate deliberately in a seemingly non-conscious manner toward others, without realizing that it is obviously done with the intention of others ‘feeling my anger’ in order for me to then justify my experience and within this, through anger, getting myself back to a positive experience when saying ‘I had a reason to be angry’ which is not acceptable in any way.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to deliberately lash out my anger toward others in order to have an effect on them and within this, have a form of power and control through them reacting in fear – I obviously stop and I breathe – I realize that others noticing that I am angry will in fact only fuel my own anger and irritation which is something that I have to sort out/ deal with/ correct within myself only – and that wanting others to be directly affected by my experience is in fact abdicating my responsibility to the points that I have to work with myself.

Thus I realize that anger in itself is another form of self manipulation to try and have others commiserating to my own negligence and in this case, procrastination, instead of realizing that every consequence must be faced here, directly in stability and within this understanding that me exerting anger is only perpetuating the cycles of self-abuse and indirectly seeking to involve others within my experience, which is plain evil.

I commit myself to stop my impulse to exert anger toward others in order for them to be aware that ‘there’s something going on with me’ which is plain manipulation in order to be able to involve others in my own experience, which is not acceptable as this is my process, my responsibility and within this, I cannot allow myself to perpetuate and externalize that which I have created for myself and through myself only.

This is how I can practically ensure that I stop creating division and wars in our world as I see that the moment that we externalize any point of friction with a deliberate desire to have others participate in it my experience, is another form of validating the experience in itself, which is not acceptable at all.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to rush things now because of having procrastinated them for a while, I stop and I breathe – I realize that now rushing to ‘get it done’ is not a self-honest way of living and it’s not what I would want myself to be and become only to ‘get the task/project done’ in a middle/ half-assed way – thus I ensure that I make the necessary arrangements in my world and reality to walk this point till its completion as it is my responsibility and point to direct/ solve/ sort out within the absolute understanding that creating further experiences about it is useless to create a solution, therefore only a waste of time.

 

I commit myself to understand that those projects/ tasks that I commit myself to walk, are part of that which I have decided to do as an extension/ expression of ourselves. This implies that getting things done just to ‘get by’ is only a dishonest expression of myself that I would certainly not want myself to express as, nor others for that matter.  This is to realize that the commitment to walk a point of responsibility implies the realization that I am here to correct the patterns that I lived thus far that are not self-supportive and within this, my deeds/ words are the direct physical and tangible proof of any form of self correction I am committing myself to. Thus I take equal responsibility for what I have committed myself to do and that are all equally part of the responsibilities that I have taken on in my life.

 

When and as I see myself equating life to ‘getting things done’ as only being a production machine, qualifying my life according to tasks to get done in order to define ‘who I am’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that tasks, projects and points that I have decided to do and take responsibility for are points that I have agreed to do as part of my own living-experience within the world system and within my own process  – within this, it is to realize that committing myself to do something is actually designating the necessary time to do it, as I realize that not doing so, creates consequences for myself and everyone else involved .

 

Within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how my own actions/ inactions would also affect others wherein even if I knew that I had to do it, I simply didn’t do it. So this is part of me having to realize how every point of procrastination can be linked to individual moments of deciding to do ‘something else/ something that made me feel good about myself’ instead of doing what I was requiring to do.

When and as I see myself only considering me and my own consequences when not doing something deliberately – I stop and I breathe – I realize that the responsibility that I’ve taken on is not only toward myself but anyone else involved. Thus, I take responsibility for myself, my actions/ inactions and the consequential outflow they create toward others and reality as a whole.

 

When and as I see myself creating an experience upon getting more responsibilities, I stop and I breathe –I realize that getting any sort of anxiety or stress about it does not solve the point, will not allow me to work ‘better’ through it. It is a single physical point wherein I can instead focus on considering the task to bet done, assess it throughout some time to see how I can fit in all that must be done within my schedule and according to testing it out for some time, assess whether I am capable of doing it nor not. This is to then not further compromise myself with projects/ tasks to be done without having an actual living-physical decision to actually do it. Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to face the consequence of not getting things done based on taking on other responsibilities and deliberately knowing that I was neglecting this other task that I must get done no matter what, eventually ending up procrastinating due to my desire to be able to ‘keep up’ with everything  and have time for it all, without realizing that in this I am only doing so as a point of compromise which is based on not wanting to let others down about my participation in things, which is something that I have to consider without the image/ role point that I have created of myself, and instead for this moment until I get this major task done, to consider how it is necessary for me to focus on my reality responsibilities before continuing developing any other points.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to take further points/ responsibilities without considering the ones that I am deliberately ignoring and leaving behind, yet knowing that I have to do them anyways – I stop and I breathe – I have to make a very cold decision in every moment that I agree to participate in something, as I realize that each decision implies a responsibility and a consequences and that I would not want for myself/ nor others to take several points and eventually not dedicating myself to them in every moment, but being rushing to do it, which is not cool at all.

I commit myself to assess in a very conscious manner the decisions I make in order to taken on projects, responsibilities and tasks when I have one single point that is being procrastinated/ not done and requires immediate attention.

I commit myself to ‘remind’ me of the consequential outflow of having procrastinated something wherein one does not know how such procrastination will create an eventual consequence wherein that one single ‘lagging point’ determines our reality and our very own internal stance toward ourselves and everything that we participate in.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for my own experience, I stop and I breathe –I realize that I must stop at all times exerting my experience toward others as I am the only one that must work with anger and irritation toward myself. Thus

I commit myself to stop reacting and blaming others for my own experience, being it music in the outside or people making noises – I realize that when I am here as breath, these points are not able to affect who I am. Thus every moment from here on when I see myself making a big deal out of an external aspect apparently ‘tampering’ my ability to direct myself effectively, I stop and I breathe – and I instead investigate how I have created this irritation and annoyance based on my own actions/ inactions within my world and reality according to tasks/ points that must be done and my physical direction to them.

 

I commit myself to stop becoming a demon in itself when it comes to being angry and irritated within myself toward myself due to what I have done/ not done as myself and exerting it upon others, as I see and realize that my starting point of doing so is that of wanting to get a positive experience for having others react to my own emotional state, which is a rather evil way of getting myself to a positive state and justify the anger and experience because at the eyes of others is apparently ‘okay’ for me to be angry and frustrated, even though I realize that the moment that I see in their eyes a point of fear and powerlessness toward my own anger, I get myself back to a positive experience because at least I have made others equally angry/ unstable as I am.

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum 

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System 

 

Blog:

• FEAR of our own SHADOW (Part 3): DAY 191

• Day 191: After Death Communications – Part 40

 

Interviews and a MUST HEAR:

• Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 1) – Part 111

• Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 2) – Part 112

186.Physical Pains: I Did it to Myself

Physical Dimension – Procrastination Character – Pains and discomfort at a physical level – Part 1

 

I am about to open up my document and suddenly my eyes begin feeling a tad heavy, like I suddenly want to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my eyes going heavy and suddenly feeling overall sleepy and wanting to go to bed/ rest the moment that I am opening my folder with the written document that I have to work with – wherein I have become possessed by the belief of me being ‘tired’ to do this, wanting to ‘rest for a while’ to continue, without realizing that there is no possible way to be tired as it is only the middle of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of me wanting to sleep/ being tired from last night as an excuse to not get into the writing due to my eyes feeling sore, without realizing that this is part of the physical possession that I have created along with the backchat and resistances to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must close my eyes for a moment before getting to the writing because I am apparently ‘tired’ which is not really so, it is physical consequence of me having participated extensively in procrastinating whenever I would get myself to the point of ‘going to write the document’ and simply ending up not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my eyes cannot be open one more second and believe that I cannot possibly continue, without realizing that my eyes are perfectly ‘okay’ no matter how long I stare at a screen, thus the discomfort is part of the self-created burden/ tiredness and pain and discomfort in order to not direct myself to do what I have to do, which is the physical point of transcending the energetic experience at a physical level as a physical consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in within procrastination.

When and as I see myself having my eyes going heavy and dry and suddenly wanting to close my eyes and doze off for a moment – I stop, I take deep breath and I realize that I cannot possibly be tired and that this is only an excuse that I have created at a physical level in order to not get to this point of writing the document, which is how I see that the friction and conflict and background ‘worry’ that I have created as procrastination, generates or I generate within me a desire to simply ‘sleep it off’ to then forget about me directing this point in the moment, as I see and realize that it is in the best interest of the mind as myself to continue existing within this procrastination character to in fact always remain bound to this One Point that I have to do, which is what has been preventing me from being absolutely here in every moment of breath as a self directive being.

I realize that the desire to sleep has become a way for me to escape responsibilities wherein I trick myself within the belief that ‘I am too tired for this’ and that I cannot possibly continue, wherein I have actually tested out last night how it is a matter of breathing through the experience, even going out to take some fresh oxygen/ air and then continue working on whatever task I am focusing on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the upper side of my back going heavy and my head becoming ‘cloudy’ the moment that I am sifting through the documents to open the latest version of the writing and going into a slight experience of anxiety because of realizing that I have to go through it all over again and read and write and correct it.

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the rush to open up the document within the starting point of wanting to ‘get over with it’ for once and for all, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to breathe here in every moment through and while things are being done/ moved and in this case me going through the documents in order to open up the writing document, and also within this, realize that the overwhelming experience of it being ‘too much to go through’ at once creates the anxiety due to ‘not having enough time’ which is only a self-imposed limitation to not work on it in the moment.

When and as I see myself becoming impatient while going through the documents to open it up and wanting to skip-read throughout it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that being here as the physical requires no rushing as there is no deadline to ‘match’ but it is only my self-imposed rush as the result of having procrastinated the point for far too long wherein I am attempting to ‘make up for it’ in one go, which is not impossible – yet not preferred as I realize that I would be dishonest to myself if I just complete this task to ‘get it done’ instead of assisting and supporting me to be here in and as everything that I participate in.

I commit myself to realize that the rush experienced even at the moment of beginning to work with the document is only the accumulated anxiety that I created as a suppression when procrastinating this task throughout time, thus I take responsibility for not continuing supporting the energetic experience at a physical level, I instead breathe through it until I am here again in stability to then continue working with the actual writing and reading, ensuring that I am not wanting to ‘skip through it’ in order to go faster/ get it done sooner as that would simply be once again going into the rush of the mind to ‘get it done.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start thinking about just going and listening to this one song and then I continue, which is a seemingly ‘innocent’ way of creating a diversion point, without realizing how it is in the moment when the thought comes up to ‘go and listen to this song/ watch this video’ that I have to stand absolutely clear here, take a deep breath and continue seeking the document/ opening it up/ reading through it no matter how ‘long’ it takes to do so. Within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own entertainment and diversion tactics as mind control in order to get distracted from doing this particular task, wherein I realize that the moment that I even allow myself to ponder whether doing it or not is already not being absolutely here as the physical, breathing and directing myself to do what I know must be done. I realize that this is the same as giving up any craving that I would experience with other things in my reality as an addiction, due to the fact that I have become so used to giving myself these ‘experience treats’ that are not good or bad per se, such as listening to music – however it is the relationship that I have formed toward that as a way to distract myself from getting to my writing what is the point to self forgive and correct, as I see and realize that there have been many, many times wherein I can simply drone out into the ‘zone’ of just watching this concert, video, interview or any music that I am entertained with in order to then make the point as a ‘waste of time,’ go into regret and then move onto doing something else that is required to be done, BUT not this particular specific task that I was aiming at from the very beginning.

When and as I see myself wanting to divert my attention to watch a music video, listen to a song, go through this website to see what’s new as entertainment while having made the decision to work on my document – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a point of diversion that I must deliberately stop and continue directing myself to continue and work with the task itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link this particular task which is writing to a sensation of discomfort on my chest which is actually a fear as the accumulated experience of having procrastinated it for ‘far too long’ and within this, being experiencing the result of my own consequence which was absolutely unnecessary if I had just directed myself appropriately – however there are no ‘ifs’ and ‘If I had just…’ as this is only a point to recognize that I can only give myself direction from this moment on and sure that I do not actually make the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin complaining in my mind about the pains and physical discomfort I experience when beginning to read, wherein I believe that ‘I must take a rest because I’m not feeling well,’ without realizing that the physical pains and discomfort has been created by me due to having given all my attention to always end up procrastinating the writing, instead of actually breathing and simply doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause pain in the pit of my stomach, arms, upper back mostly in relation to me walking through the procrastination of writing this document wherein I believe that the ‘heaviness’ and ‘pain’ is just ‘too much to bear,’ without considering and realizing that this is my own process of actually facing the consequences of what I have done and created to myself as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always give into the heaviness experience and seemingly tiredness believing that it is ‘real’ without realizing that it is real as a consequence of what I have created and propitiated myself –

When and as I see myself diverting my attention toward the physical pains and discomfort as an obstacle for me to stop and not continue with writing the document, I stop and I breathe. I take responsibility for my own physical discomfort that has been created as a result of the accumulated experience of suppressing the task while using energy to ‘tamper’ it and evolving my stance as the mind in order to make it ‘all fine’ while neglecting the consequences that my physical body is actually experiencing as a result of me keeping this relationship toward this one point as an accumulated experience of procrastination.

I commit myself to start considering every moment that I participate in the mind as this single act of thinking creating and manifesting a physical consequence due to my ignorant participation in the mind and procrastination as an energetic experience that I tried and suppress, instead of actually standing up and taking responsibility and within this, stopping the reactions and further consequences experience at a physical level from this.

this will continue

 

Desteni 

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System 

 

 

 

Blogs:

• Day 186: After Death Communications – Part 35

• Character Dimensions – REDEFINITION Dimension: DAY 186

Interviews:

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 20

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 21

179. Apathy as result of High Expectations

 

• Backchat Reaction dimension within Procrastination Character
• Self Forgiveness from the post 178. There’s no reason, no explanation, so play the violin and the backchat points written in  171. Self-Talk to be Lazy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate anxiety and fear when thinking and backchatting myself about the possible outcomes of having to present my work to other people and them assessing that it is not ‘good enough’/ that it is not suitable for this career, that it has nothing to do with what I am supposed to be writing about – without realizing that these thoughts are actually quite absurd when considering how it is that I have created these judgments within me as backchat that I would use in order to convince me that there is ‘no point’ in doing it, within it hitting the excuse and justification of uselessness as a reaction of apathy leading to the cycle of procrastination.

 

Within this I realize that my reaction of apathy and immediate neglect to what is required to be done is in fact me not having been Here as Breath – but instead talking to myself in my mind as all the negative reasons why I would Not want to get this work done due to having to actually Do It. I breathe and go into the next self forgiveness as a reaction to this realization:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame and regret as a form of now feeling ‘bad’ about everything that I did and I didn’t do, without realizing that in this, I am only creating yet another experience to cover up the immediate responsibility at hand, which is part of the reactions that I used to justify my inaction and commitment to do things – due to, instead of realizing that it must be done, going into further thinking/ backchat of all the future play outs and the supposed ‘validity’ of the work in itself, without realizing that any writing in itself will be supportive to se me, no matter in which ‘sphere’ of my reality it takes place in.

 

When and as I see myself going into shame and regret for all the time wasted and not lived to give proper direction to myself and my work to be done – I stop and I breathe I realize that facing the consequences of what I accepted and allowed is inevitable – however, going into an experience over it in no way supports and assists me to physically move – thus I stop any point of further self-manipulation to find reasons, excuses and justifications as to why I didn’t move – without realizing that such reasons, justifications and excuses only stand as a further deviation of the physical task at hand.

I realize that I have often used this same mechanism when realizing the points that must be done and instead of simply breathing, stabilizing myself physically here, I go into further judgment and justification as all the reasons, excuses, explanations that I try to ‘give a meaning/ value to’ in my mind, which only stand as a defense to protect my own self interest of ‘not wanting to accept having made a mistake/ having fucked it up’ – as that goes ‘against my idea of self,’ which is precisely what we are walking this process for: to see, realize and expose to ourselves to what extent we are able to lie ourselves continuously in order to protect a mechanism of self interest wherein the ‘who we are’ as the perfect/ ideal I have of myself in my mind, is always ‘spotless’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to place myself as a ‘considerate person’ whenever I would go into the negative backchat and within this considering that my reactions such as immediate fear and anxiety could not remain ‘within me’ as ‘who I am’ which is how I would immediately seek for another point to keep me ‘balanced out’ in my mind, wherein ‘my score’ would remain untainted by this one task I was not directing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within reacting in fear and anxiety to face one single aspect and task of my life, generate a complete callous experience toward it, of seemingly it not being ‘important’ and prioritizing other things in my mind, because within doing this, I would keep myself in a ‘safe spot’ of doing things right, properly, without realizing that even the input/ drive to do other things Instead of physically directing me to get this task done was motivated by my own desire to ‘even myself out’ in my mind, wherein even if I knew that I was not getting this task done, I would then create another task/ activity as a supplement to ‘even out’ my sense of remaining a ‘responsible being’ because of ‘doing this other thing/ taking this other responsibility’ – without realizing how I was in fact being selective within this process in order to suit my needs of self interest, to remain with a positive reputation in my mind at the eyes of other and myself, while deliberately knowing that there is this ‘chunk of things’ to direct and do, and that it won’t certainly just ‘go away’ by wishing it so or positively thinking.

 

When and as I see myself reacting with fear of losing my reputation as a responsible being when realizing I am Not directing myself appropriately – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is stemming from a defense of my ‘ego’ as this precious thing that I’ve created for myself to remain with a ‘positive stance’ toward people in my world and within myself in my mind, wherein it is no different to talking myself positively in order to create a positive experience for taking other responsibilities and neglecting others that are also important and priority in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘But! Instead of doing this work, I am doing that other work which is Also important’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that me doing the ‘balancing out’ wherein I try to even points in order to compensate for what I realize I am not doing, is another trick of the ego to always keeps itself ‘winning’ and ‘on top’ and ‘stable’ and even with a false sense of ‘calmness’ that is like a pill taken to soothe the initial shot of anxiety and fear experienced every time that the backchat ‘I am not doing this’ would be manifested not even as thoughts but as a physical doing of just side sweeping it right away, not giving any ‘second thought’ to actually do it, but simply get on to the rest of the things to do which I have defined myself to be ‘comfortable’ in doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of apathy and general dullness when thinking about doing this written work, as the result of the backchat such as ‘what’s the point for this?’ wherein I realize that I am placing a condition to my movement to do things based on the outcome/ result which is an expectation created according to what I would ‘want’ to get from it.

When and as I see myself thinking the backchat ‘what’s the point for this’ and going into apathy and idleness in that moment, I stop and I breathe  – I realize that seeking for a particular outcome that could satisfy my desire for positive experience is another way to sabotage my self-movement as an unconditional one, as a self-willed realization that this must be done regardless of any result or outcome.

I commit myself to be unconditional in my self movement in the physical regardless of the task I have at hand, as I realize that equalizing myself as the physical is not judging the task to be done as either ‘good for me’ or ‘more valuable’ or ‘less important,’ as I realize that within the assessment in common sense of what I have to do and what must get done, implies a physical consideration of it to be done as part of a responsibility or a practical functionality for myself and others in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in apathy and even defeatism whenever having the backchat ‘ I’m not good enough within this career/ what difference will it make to others what I have to say here?’  which is rather a product of self manipulation wherein I am giving into ‘thinking’ my doing based on how it will be received/ viewed and valued/assessed by others, making of this future backchat projection ( lol ) a single obstacle in my mind to simply then turn my back on this work, because of me secretly wanting and desiring and still keeping this belief of me having to ‘change other people’s minds about themselves’ through this particular work/ task that I have to complete. Within this it is seeing how I have created my own condition of ‘If I can be praised/ glorified’ within my mind based on the reception this work will get, then I gladly do it’ – but when there is no certainty of this, I then go into a negative experience toward it in order to  create an experience of being ‘not good enough’ and backchatting myself about it, simply because of expecting a reward that satisfies my ego within this all.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘I’m not good enough within this career/ what difference will it make to others to read/ hear what I have to say here?’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that within this I am placing a condition to my self-writing, my own physical process of doing things based on a future projection and assumption of how it will be received by others, instead of realizing that I have the absolute ability to simply write within the direction that I already see and realize I am capable of giving myself as the simplicity of opening the document and continuing writing – instead of allowing imagination, future projections, backchat and an overall reaction of uselessness and defeatism to be ‘more’ than myself and my will to move and direct me here.

 

I commit myself to stop going into future projections about the reception and how will ‘others’ read my words and what they will ‘think’ of my work and instead, simply direct myself to physically do it in the moment, as myself – directing-me to do it, regardless of expecting a positive or negative outcome of it, as I see and realize that within trapping myself in these two polarities, I condition my very physical to energy instead of realizing and living out the understanding of how the physical is able to move itself by simply the ‘force’ that I can redefine as self-movement instead of mind-energetic conditions to move that I had imposed onto the physical’s unconditional self movement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I’m wasting my time with this’ as an excuse to instead veer toward doing ‘something else’ – without realizing that the actual wasting of breath-time is whenever I am finding excuses and justifications to not do it, wherein I then create a positive experience of me not doing something based on the belief that ‘there is no use to it’ – thus creating and placing conditions to my self movement according to what I have defined as valuable and what I have defined as ‘not valuable’ and within this separation, actually missing the point of it all wherein I am waiting for something to be ‘productive’ for me to do instead of me doing and directing myself to ‘do it’/ be productive in the moment.

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘I am wasting my time on a task’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this stems from the inner value-system I have created toward tasks/ points that I have to do based on the experience that they create within me as either satisfying a positive experience in my mind or not, wherein I thus realize that anything that is generating a sense of ‘lack’ or wanting to do ‘something else’ instead, is already indicating that I am at the right place where there is no energy ‘flow’ within the doing of it, and as such, that all the points that come to my mind as something that I would ‘rather do’ are identified as mind-triggers for positive experience, which I must then debunk in order to see how my own value system of ‘preferred activities and tasks’ stems from the energetic experience I get of it , indicating that it is the mind that is seeking itself to have ‘time’ to satisfy itself instead of me as a self directive being directing myself to do things that will not cause me a positive or negative experience, but simply have to be done.

 

When and as I see myself then now attempting to go into a positive experience for ‘moving’ through this procrastination point, I stop and I breathe – I realize that making it a positive experience because ‘yay I am moving!’ is also a mind experience to still create positive energy within this – thus I commit myself to be absolutely clear and stable within me every moment that I go into the positive experience of stopping the procrastination character, as it would be rather futile to now make this stopping another mind experience – lol.

 

I commit myself to live Self Responsibility not only as a physical realization of having to ‘get things done’ but also within the understanding that every time that I give into energy – either positive or negative – to do/ not do things, I am abdicating my self-directive principle to move unconditionally and I am in fact abusing my physical body as every time that I create either a negative or a positive experience through thoughts manifesting either a positive or a negative experience, I am subjecting my physical body to be consumed by the mind that requires always to have an energetic fix which comes through the very physical-consumption of my physical body that is transformed into any of these experiences that I then believe is ‘who I am,’ which is unacceptable within the realization that physical movement is here as breath, therefore, as I breathe and simply make the decision to get the writing done/ to work on it I realize that there is no experience required within me, no judgment toward the task in itself, no future projection or conditional ‘result’ of it required, as I see and realize that all of these are mind-created obstacles wanting to get a positive outcome of it all which create a conflict upon that which can be simply physically done and directed.

 

I realize that the apathy experienced and deliberate ‘not doing’ a task stems from – within various other dimensions that I have probably yet to discover – having a future projection of a positive outcome within it, and within me generating this belief that there is no point to it/ not being good enough/ wasting my time to this. To understand more why thinking exists, listen to these two interviews that are vital in order to understand who we are within these ‘obstacles’ and what we are accepting and allow ourselves to be and have become within it all:

• Thinking as Mind vs. Direct Seeing with the Physical – Part 106

• Reptilians – Thought and Thinking – a Deliberate Creation of Control – Part 105

For further support

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Blogs:

• The MOMENT of CHANGE: DAY 179
• Physical Communication – The Basics: DAY 180

• Day 179: After Death Communication – Part 28

 

Supportive Interviews:

• Reptilians – Facing Choice (Part 1) – Part 107

• Reptilians – Facing Choice (Part 2) – Part 108