Category Archives: film

383. To Forget to Self-Forgive

First Cousin Once Removed Preview (HBO Documentary Films) (2012) by Alan Berliner

Remember to Forget’ were the words chosen by a poet with Alzheimer as his last statement to the potential million viewers of the documentary ‘First cousin once removed’ by Alan Berliner, which depicts his life in his last months of living with this mental condition, and it is interesting that the words ‘For-Get’ and ‘For-Give’ can be a bit similar, but there’s a world of difference between both, where the act of merely ‘wanting to forget’ can lead us to experience something like Alzheimer, in an attempt to let go of the memories, the identity, the past, the load of experiences with which we created and inflicted the most trauma/harm/abuse within ourselves, and so wanting to forget as a way to ‘cope with the past,’ and that’s how such forced ‘eraser’ move in the mind can lead to this memory-loss problem.

 

I enjoyed this documentary, it’s very well made and I recommend it to see first hand what Alzheimer is like, and the reasons that usually lead to it, along with the genetic disposition that can exist – which as we now understand how the memories of those that have gone before us are integrated within/as ourselves as the mind in the womb, as the information we have ‘pre-loaded’ within us as the ‘sins of the fathers’ – then it makes sense that Alzheimer can ‘run in the family’ as a trait developed to want to forget about one’s deeds, one’s traumatic past, one’s wrong-doings and essentially take the forced road to a ‘way out’ of it all, a way to not face one’s inner demons.

 

The documentary could’ve had a subtitle – in the words of the film’s director – a Poets’ Alzheimer, since the documentary is about the ‘first cousin once removed’ from the director of this film who happened to be a poet, a writer, a translator, a man of ‘great achievements’ only to get to the last days of his life forgetting about it all, and it for sure brings us back to this point of our Journey To Life and the route to Nothingness. Edwin Honig – the protagonist of this documentary – gets to such ‘nothingness’ though not in a self-aware and self-directive manner to it and this is what I’d like to discuss here because it doesn’t make sense to get to this point of ‘Nothingness’ as in remembering – apparently – nothing through simply deciding to block the memory, to forget.

 

The things that Edwin could vividly recall – at times, when it seemed he wasn’t unconsciously deliberately ‘wanting to forget’ – were traumatic moments in his life: being blamed for his brother’s death when he was a child, having been to the army and shooting others, and maybe some family member he was fond of, but that was it. He is shown recordings with traces of the achievements throughout his life explained by himself at an earlier stage in his life, all his books, his poems, his translations of some ‘great writers,’ and so forth, and it was quite amusing to see how he would watch these recordings of himself explaining all his studies, his achievements and saying something in the lines of ‘He’s trying too hard to be someone’ and so yes, this is most of the things we put all our time and effort to, to build up the idea of ‘who we are’ as our mind, our ego – not realizing that life is not memories and how when one has no more memories to ‘hold on to’ then all of these lifetime achievements are reduced to nothing but pretentious additions we identify ourselves as, which can be later on absolutely forgotten and ultimately end up at death. Edwin had kept journals on a daily basis for over 50 years, so he also tried too hard to remember, only to end up forgetting it all. It seems like an ‘overload’ of too many memories, too many things he wanted to keep but eventually forget that he ended up ‘forgetting it all.’

 

I liked the fact that at some point, due to being asked many questions by the documentary maker (his cousin) he would just ask him to be forgotten, to not exist for some days, weeks, months and so in a way it could be him realizing that he was just telling his-story, the tale we all become as a bunch of memories we then believe is ‘all we are’ which is absolutely limited. We have reduced ourselves to become a curriculum, a data base with memories, experiences, feelings, the ideas we believe others have about ourselves, the feelings and constructs we impose onto reality, our entire ego that we accumulate throughout time, and how when we eventually ‘want to forget’ due to the emotional load that it creates within us, maybe that’s when Alzheimer emerges as an absolute ‘shutdown’ of these memories, which I interpret as a decision to Not Forgive, but Only Forget.

 

Dullness

 

Alzheimer seems to be the result of Forgetting to Forgive, but not only ‘Forgive’ in itself, but to Self-Forgive. It’s interesting that Edwin hadn’t been such a good father after all and how his ‘children’ – now grown up males – hold a grudge against him due to what he would do to them, which they interpreted as abusive, as him being an a*hole. And so, Edwin could not remember at all that he had children/sons, and even when the time comes for one of them to visit him, he shows exhaustion, maybe because memories would come back and so the load of remorse, guilt, the entire emotional experience created throughout time could come back, and so he’s left alone. Alzheimer seems to be a way to evade reality, to evade looking at one’s demons and learning how to self-forgive ourselves for it all, a way to escape from facing self-responsibility and as such wanting to ‘put memories down’ not realizing that the level and extent to which we are tied to as our memories and our mind cannot be ‘shut down’ or these ‘side effects’ emerge.

 

This is also another way to see how without walking this process of Self-Forgiveness to learn how to recognize our thoughts, words and deeds that could have caused ourselves inner-conflicts and struggles that we eventually lashed out onto others, affecting them and learn how to self-forgive ourselves for it all, bit by bit, word by word, and we only try and ‘forget it all’ causes an illness, because one is attempting to ‘get rid’ of the memories instead of actually understanding how we created such problems, how we participated in them, why, why did we allow it to become an emotional burden, who did we affect with our deeds too, what do we feel incapable of forgiving ourselves for that we instead choose to simply evade and ‘forget’?

 

And if we were able to remember who we have been from the beginning of our existence, we would have all gone through the same ‘deletion’ process as Alzheimer to go back to ‘ignorance is bliss’ mode, which is in fact what we do whenever we attempt to forget our past, our history and recreate the same abuse and harm because we don’t want to remember and take responsibility for our lives, our world as our creation and change the patterns for once and for all.

 

It’s interesting that one documentary that shows the actual nature of the memories left in a person with Alzheimer can shed more light than any scientific study attempting to understand the origin of it, which once again is also confirming what has been explained at Desteni in relation to Alzheimer Syndrome which I suggest to anyone to investigate and get rid of these ‘enigmas’ that still exist in humanity, while it’s already been 7 years of having the opportunity to learn about the totality of who we are as human beings, as preprogrammed mind consciousness systems that can create a short-circuit process in order to not have to confront one’s own inner demons all the time, creating things like Alzheimer or the usual anxiety, fears, phobias and general stress that we impose onto our physical body every time we are ‘living’-through-the-mind.

 

An aspect I enjoyed is seeing how Edwin only expressed appreciation for the expression of a child – the director’s son – because he was a child, expressing himself with music, in the moment, not questioning him about ‘who he was’ or who he could remember, but just being in the moment, which is also another point to consider about this ‘nothingness’ that we can all exist as, as a self-created result of learning how to self-forgive, to correct, to let go within self-responsibility and full awareness of choosing to be living in the moment – which is different from this form of Alzheimer’s ‘living in the moment’ as an accidental result of wanting to evade one’s memory, which is why in this case someone that doesn’t represent a ‘threat’ to one’s self-definition can become someone we enjoy too.

 

 

This documentary should also support with the realization that who we are and who we define ourselves to be is nothing else but a collection of memories and experiences that we build up as ‘who we are’ and we indeed put so much ‘effort’ onto it, without realizing that it is only the ‘who we are in the mind’ that we are valuing and accumulating as knowledge and information, while we forget about the words that we can live and become as an essence of ourselves – not the titles, not the money, not the recognition, not the studies, not the professions or definitions that others can give onto us – but the words we decide to live in full self-awareness. Just as the point we hear a lot about in Desteni on ‘stopping the mind,’ it doesn’t mean: forget about who you were and be ‘living in the here now moment’ absolutely oblivious of everything, as if one could simply ‘turn the page’ and have a blank one without any consequence. So if anything, this film depicts the consequences of not being able to cope with our mind, our memories, an entire life of wanting to ‘cherish all memories’ and the outcome when you realize the fiction you’ve become as a character and eventually just want to throw the character out of the window and remain as the flesh and bones we are… that’s what creates the consequence as a forced de-egofication process.

I am able to relate to the idea of wanting to cherish every moment as the ‘old me’ that was on my way to do that all the time, and having that mentality of wanting to be a writer someday that could use those memories to create more fictional characters through which I could live through as well, and I’m glad I stopped myself, which to myself as my ego it was the same as some form of egocide, because stopping ‘cherishing memories’ – even with the compulsion I had to be taking pictures all the time – I was on my way to fill memory cards and entire notebooks of my own personalities with no direction – which is also the type of writing I was doing before this process, using art as just another way to convolute the perception of who we are as human beings: point-less, self-referenced, self-interested beings seeking this something to ‘fill in the void’ with and ending up in some kind of nonsense with a life wasted in this perpetual ‘search’ which I now see that we all as human beings have, nothing else but the gloom created as the result of separating ourselves from who we really are as life, as the substance that unites us all as one and equal.

 

Today we discussed about this existential anguish in relation to ‘losing all hope to humanity’ not realizing that I was maybe on my way to creating yet another ‘disorder’ to simply evade facing reality – which we all do one way or another by creating any form of emotion or feeling to make the whole thing turn into a ‘me-myself-I’ experience rather than taking responsibility for the problems we create in our lives and this world and turn it only into a ‘concern’ – and how if I hadn’t discovered Desteni and the ability to Self-Forgive, I would have probably continued down the spiraling road of using art as a way to express this absolute ‘lostness’ that I experienced for great part of my life up to 6 years ago when everything started making sense.

 

All I can say is that it is quite a relief to no longer be drilling my mind with the usual existential-queries and ‘enigmas’ that used to also occupy my-time here, thinking about time, and death, and memories, and identity, and fictional characters, and this life as a dream and so forth… all of which has existed as part of our philosophy with no concrete realization to simply see the direct reality of it all: we have used our mind to divert our attention from reality, from the actual consequences and physical existence that we tend to cloud or ‘paint with other colors’ through thinking about reality, through ‘feeling’ or ‘becoming emotional’ about it and pondering these energetic flicks as ‘more’ than what life really is.

 

After the film ended, Alan Berliner had a Q&A session with the audience, and he ended up saying that ‘Memories are the glue to life’ and I couldn’t disagree more as this mentality is what has kept us since the beginning of our existence as human beings tied to a past that we then ‘choose to forget’ proving that we haven’t moved an iota from the very initial problems we were programmed with, just because we have accepted our mind to be ‘who we really are,’ forgetting or not even being aware of what Life really is, which is not and will never be knowledge and information, and memories. Just like in all our devices – memories are nothing but part of the system that enables us to function as clusters of space and time in a disk drive that sometimes gets full and overloaded and requires some ‘rebooting’ because there’s just ‘too much to info to handle,’ and that’s also what Alzheimer seems like.

 

Memories cannot be the ‘glue of life’ as they are only invisible bits of information we believe is who we are. Life doesn’t require a glue, life is not divided, life is all that is already here that we have separated ourselves from in every moment that we define ourselves as a picture, as an emotion, a thought, a feeling, a memory, all of it part of the masks that we craft and can end up driving us crazy if we continue to overlook the reality and simplicity of who we are here as breathing flesh and bones physical beings that have to now use our memory practically and constructively, to go self-forgiving each thought, word and deed that we’ve acted upon and created in order to ‘forget about who we are’ and as such, not take responsibility for who we are and have become. Look at this world, read the news, talk with people on the streets, look within yourself in your mind and see how this world is our reflection.

 

Learning how to Self-Forgive is the greatest gift one can give to oneself if one does not want to end up driving oneself absolutely insane, or mentally kaput for not having the courage to stand in the face of ourselves, of our past no matter how ‘bad it may seem or how ‘overwhelming’ the consequences of it already are, there is no other way but to stand up for it and face it. Self-Honesty takes Courage and that’s something one has to develop in order to not end up mentally ill due to wanting to forget. My suggestion is to then do this: learn how to Self-Forgive, Remember to Self-Forgive instead of compounding the inner turmoil and the cowardice to recognize who we are and have become, not only as individuals, but as humanity – and so, whenever we see ourselves feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, overwhelmed by our past, our memories, our mind, it is that moment where instead of remaining in the victimization of the experience: we stand up, take a deep breath and decide to self-forgive the experience, the memory, the thought, the deeds and correct ourselves in the moment in the realization that no one did this to us but ourselves, and no one will ‘forgive us’ as there is no God, but ourselves, our own creators.

 

The one last mercy we can give to ourselves is Self Forgiveness, let’s use it and become physical living breathing beings that can stop pondering too much about what life, death, a thought or memories are and rather learn how to live in every moment of breath directing our lives to be and become an example of what we all know we can be when correcting all the mess of the past to stand as self-directive and self-honest individuals, always considering what is best for self and all as equals: no memory required but only as a remembrance of a past to never repeat again.

 

To learn more about Desteni’s perspective on Alzheimer and Memories:

 

To stop being defined only as a memory chip of emotions and feelings:


Day 58: Eternal Spotless Mind

When we deem certain movies as ‘our favorite’ ones there are points that we evidently resonate with. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) once again after several years, and brought back all of these ideals and expectations that I had created by that time in relation to how I wanted my relationships to be in ‘the future’ when I watched the movie for the first time some 8 years ago.

The identification with the rather feverish girl – Clementine (Kate Winslet)-  that was a rather eccentric and over-zealous woman with lots of energy and pent up emotions was prominent. It brought me back to the times when I used to wear these bright colorful clothes and all types of funky jewelry along with eternal desires to get my hair blue or red,  which I tried to do some 10 years ago and from there I got used to the habit of dying it pitch blue-black, fucking up my entire hair for several years onwards, just for the sake of creating a certain image of myself. But, besides the girl’s character, the entire phrasing and attitude was something I could relate to. I was this energized girl that was pleading others to ‘leave my mind alone/ I’m just trying to find some peace of mind’ and this general dramatic self-presentation to always be able to have ‘something’ to be yearning for, thinking about and so forth as a means to believe that I was actually ‘living,’ while we are now realizing within this process that: we are not our emotions, we are not our feelings or any other general energetic-experience as the ego of the mind.

 

Then there’s the entire memory-drill within the movie about the relationship that Joel (Jim Carrey’s character) and Clementine had which is how I envisioned what my ‘picture perfect relationship’ would be like, having fun in odd and surprising ways that were non-conventional and having these two ‘odd’ personalities coming together as a couple. Hence all this movie represented within me was this eccentricity that I had built-up as ‘who I am,’ as well as the partner’s character which I also identify with in how I would feel like the over-enthusiastic one that had to cheer up and drag along others to ‘live’ within the same view and perspective I had of life back then, always trying to impose ‘me’ upon others because I deemed ‘my way of being’ much more ‘healthy’ than theirs, which was obviously not now that I review this point.

 

For the most part, it’s a cool movie  in terms of realizing how a relationship/ a person in our lives is only a set of memories that if we ‘decide to erase’ or lose, we can eventually forget about – however we all know that each relationship leaves like this mark or scar that remains there as a bunch of memories and even copied mannerisms, that we then have to walk as ourselves and our own process because it is aspects that we had separated from ourselves initially and sought to ‘fulfill’ or complete ourselves with in relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in a relationship I would have to gather the most eccentric memories and experiences in order to believe that we were ‘truly enjoying’ and ‘living’ and having ‘a blast’ within a relationship, often placing myself in certain conditions and situations wherein I allowed myself to be driven by the ‘feeling’ of it rather than considering the consequences and actuality of what I was putting myself through.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, till this day, remember only the good and positive things about such ‘fun times’ that I deliberately created within my relationships in order to mimic the way that I imagined my life would be in a a similar way to what this movie portrayed, along with the drama, the misunderstandings, the ups and downs and eventual reconciliations as the ‘happy ending’ that I also sought to get all the time, which  in no way matched the reality of relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of my life with others a drama that would always have to become just like a script of a novel as all the books that I would read back then, which shaped and molded the ‘who I want to be like’ toward others, eventually creating all sorts of events in my life wherein I ‘knew’ that I would be able to keep them as these ‘memories’ that I could hold on to for a lifetime and call that a ‘living’ and ‘enjoyment’ – which is how I designed myself as a memory-creator and keeper as a way to confirm that ‘I had lived’ through experiences and events in my life with another in a relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be this feverish girl that sought emotions and feelings in a deliberate manner to be ‘inspired’ and have something to whine about in art or writing, which became a way to fuel my over-dramatic personality that was mostly wrought throughout my teenage years while learning through books, movies of ‘my kind’ what relationships were all about, yearning about that ‘connection’ with ‘the one’ and eventually experiencing myself in a relationship just like the one that made me feel all these fuzzy feelings in my stomach while watching eternal sunshine… and in that, believing that all my relationships had to be something ‘like that’ wherein we could have fun and do ‘wild things’ and ‘be happy’ while overcoming the usual friction and conflict that I thought was ‘normal’ in relationships, which also became part of the usual things to ‘walk through’ in relationships such as arguing in the car and leaving the house and being all dramatic about any slight problem, only to ‘forgive’ each other and get back together again, like a happy ending after the storms.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adopt the belief that in a relationship one would Always have conflict and one would always be having these secret thoughts against the other and that it was part of ‘the game’ of having relationships, which is obviously dishonest and just existing for the sake of also getting a ‘kick’ out of the conflict as all the emotions and feelings that come when you are in a fight with another and get to enjoy that debate/ fight which became a masochistic way of keeping a relationship ‘standing,’ because the reconciliation would then be ‘even better.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to identify with the frustration that Clementine would experience toward Joel for having to deal with a rather quiet and introverted being that I would have mostly judged as ‘requiring some spice in their lives’ wherein I believed that ‘I could change the other for the better,’ without having even looked at myself and my surge of blasting energy to ‘live’ through experiences and trying to make the other see life the same way I did, which became a rather pointless effort to say the least, with both partners and male friends that were rather calm and ‘of few words’ wherein I would always think that I must ‘cheer them up’ and be the ‘sunshine’ of their lives, compromising myself because of this continual desire to ‘change them’ without even getting a look at how I had to first look at myself and what I was accepting and allowing to exist within me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this position of being the ‘optimistic’ and ‘feverish’ and ‘vibrant’ person in a relationship with males that were mostly ‘dull’ and ‘quiet’ and only after years eventually one of them becoming more ‘equal’ in such excitement – lol – which is when I started ‘disliking’ the other because I would no longer be the ‘special one’ that would ‘cheer him up’ but he was now becoming a rather positive thinker, blowing out of  proportion to the point where it got too cloying and pleasing ‘for my taste,’ which made me run away from it, without realizing how I had played out the exact same role in the beginning. In this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually having been addicted to conflict in relationships wherein if everything started being all ‘good’ and ‘pleasing,’ I would get bored because of how I had deemed conflict as a necessary aspect to create this sense of the relationship being ‘normal’ and ‘working’ which was merely an addiction to the energy that conflict would generate within me – hence when the person would no longer cause conflict within me, I’d lose interest and move on.

 

I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how I would seek people that had been ‘troubled’ people mostly in a way because then I would see myself as having a ‘duty’ to ‘change them’ and ‘spice up their lives,’ which is how I now realize that I was actually addicted to the energy that I would get from having to deal with conflictive people that were nothing else but mirroring myself back to the conflict I wanted to create and stir within myself in order to have something to be worrying, thinking and yearning about throughout my days, just like a movie, just like a book where a lot of conflict and eventual resolutions would take place as that happy ending that I would also run away from, because I simply wanted some ‘conflict’ in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to also take the position of being the quiet, reserved and few-worded personality when being with a rather optimistic and cheerful partner, which means that I would act the ‘opposite pole’ in any given situation in order to maintain the balancing-act within the constant friction required to continue the conflict going on in my head, wherein I was never truly ‘satisfied’ with another, but would pretend that I was in order to keep the relationship going.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever wish to have a ‘tormented relationship’ because that’s the type of stuff I would read and get the most entertainment from, which implies that these erratic characters that seemed to be in the brink of madness  were the ones that I could ‘identify’ myself-with, due to the amount of energy I was just ready to exert in one way or another, not really even ever being able to understand why I had so much energy to give-away and how this energy became the directive principle within my life, wherein I used popular culture as books and movies like this one in order to create/ mimic such events to live-out and believe that I was ‘living’ just like a character in a book or a movie, and feel ‘good’ about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually become used to this ‘tough love’ type of relationships wherein conflict and debating would be the way to ‘feel good’ about each other when we would eventually sort out the problems and reconciliation would ensue as a way to confirm that ‘we were willing to walk through hell and back and remain together,’ which is absolutely bullshit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin relationships from the starting point of being willing to accept all types of dramas and antagonisms as what I gave myself permission to be acceptable within a relationship, because this is what I learned from movies, books and stories of people always having conflicts within their relationships, only to get to an inevitable happy or sad ending, just  like in the movies/ books.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so used to the idea of having to fight another in a relationship, wherein I would maintain myself in constant fear of conflict yet at the same time, giving permission to it as a way to mimic the stories that I had read in books and movies, which implies that I made of my life a series of events that I could later on recall just like a movie that I could re-enact in my mind to get a positive feeling out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘empty’ whenever there was no ‘conflict’ going on in a relationship, because now I see and realize that all that I was seeking for was this rollercoaster ride of ultimate happiness and the direct opposite as conflict, anger, depression and any other emotion that I could use in order to deem myself as being ‘alive’ and ‘living’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shape my relationships and my life according to having ‘something to remember’ as memories of good times and bad times within relationships, as a way to declare that ‘I had lived’ and in that, get a sense of completion for the amount of memories I would have been able to store/ gather from my past as a way to define that I had been ‘happy’ once in my life.

 

I commit myself to expose the nature of relationships as conflict and constant friction for the sole energetic purpose that they entail as in stirring these emotions and feelings within ourselves only, wherein it is really never about ‘the other’ that we are feeling or becoming emotional about, but only ourselves as the idea of the relationship we have formed toward people in our minds, which is then entire self-created and must be taken self-responsibility for.

 

I commit myself to realize that all that I had aimed for as relationships was the type of masochistic and conflictive type of ‘tough love’ that I had decided to use as a way to ‘fuel my inspiration’ linked to art and writing, which had become the way to believe that ‘that was what my life was going to be about’ in terms of living like a constant drama, just like the stories of the romantic dramas that some of my personal heroes would go through in their lives, within this

 

I commit myself to expose how we as human beings get extensively influenced by the media as books, movies, TV shows and other type of ‘entertainment’ wherein the stereotypes of society are portrayed as characters that we then try to ‘mimic’ which ensures that the population remains in a constant continuation of the past, without ever really pondering ‘what are we actually accepting and allowing as relationships in the world?’ because that would lead to self-realizations about the unnecessary drama in our lives, and eventually get to stop the entire commerce and business that buying books, movies, series that portray these exotic and eccentric type of stories as a way to continue binding ourselves to memories and experiences and the entire ‘who we are’ as personalities as the ego of the mind.

 

I commit myself to reveal and expose how it is that the only thing that we are neglecting all the time that we are caught up in our personal romantic affairs and conflicts, is the physical, life that is being actually used only as a fuel to convert into emotions and feelings that we had deemed as being ‘life’ itself, which is absolutely unacceptable when it comes to realizing that: all that we had ever been is these self-seeking individuals through relationships that do not care at all about the rest of the world and the actual conflicts and problems that entail Money not being available for all beings in the world, where real problems are in the nature of starvation, poverty, illnesses, diseases, abuse, sexual exploitation and a massive industry based on this ‘love as charity’ that certainly does nothing to actually support beings in equality as life.

 

I commit myself to walk through my own memories of relationships in order to clear my starting point for and if there is an opportunity to create an actual agreement of self-support wherein no emotion and no feeling become the directive principle within such relationship, as I see, realize and understand to what extent I had given my power away to live through my mind, instead of living here as breath walking equal and one with another as a physical being, and not as a crutch to continue all types of drama and conflict to have ‘stories to tell.’

 

I commit myself to expose how we have become addicted to ‘having stories to tell’ as a way to define that we have ‘experiences’ and ‘have lived life’ fully, when in fact, it’s just prostituting life in the name of personal satisfaction as any form of good experience that recalling memories as something of ‘value’ within our lives  can create within ourselves.

 

I commit myself to stop all wars within me when being with others as I realize that this is actually self-interest that then becomes one plus point to the overall conflict and continual friction in the world that keeps this entire system ‘running’ on self-abuse.

 

To support and assist ourselves in Relationships beginning with our Self-Relationship, there’s the Desteni I Process course on Relationships/Agreements that is the most specific way to go dissecting ourselves as memories in order to finally establish life-worthy agreements that can stand beyond any energetic fix that we had become so addicted to.

 

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind would be actually quite cool as ourselves, living here as the physical breathing beings that we are wherein our minds are finally quiet equal and one as the physical, without memories to hold on to, without futures to look up to and in that, finally realizing the truth of ourselves in such completion. A long way to go, but we begin here.

 

No-lo-valen

 

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2012 The Arbor: to Self-Forgive and Stop the Sins of the Fathers

I had disregarded the power that movies have to create an impact and awareness about the lives that people around the world are living in. For a moment it is a complete ‘integration’ within human beings’ lives that we tend to only see as ‘fiction,’ however this was not a fictional movie nor was it the type of ‘light experience’ you can actually relax-through.

This evening I watched this documentary/ film The Arbor which I recommend for various reasons. It is just like a movie made out of any of the current Life Reviews that are being published at Desteni, wherein the life of a human being from the afterlife is shared as a story-telling walk-through a human being’s life on Earth and the experiences they had which they allowed themselves to be completely possessed-by, without realizing that moment of self-awareness wherein they could have actually directed themselves to stop perpetuating ‘the sins of the fathers.’

This movie depicts how anyone can drive themselves to a breaking-point in their life as a series of chainsaw-massacre-sins, never stopping or taking a moment to see what consequences will a single decision have within their life and within the lives of those around them as well– but instead allow feelings, emotions and all forms of retaliation to unleash, eventually ruining one’s life forever – unless there is a decision to stop and self-forgive oneself of course.

 

This movie is not limited to depict a ‘woman’s story’ only,  it is the depiction of how the current monetary system is the perfect soil to create dysfunctional families, wherein all parties involved have a relationship of monetary dependency, scarcity and general limited living-condition. This leads them t  eventually end up dead or in extreme self-abusive patterns that can only be stopped after having gone through ‘enough’ of it, barely living to tell. Are these ‘extremes’ necessary to realize the problem we are creating and finally stop? No, they’re not – however something that has remained as a constant is that the human being won’t stop and take action unless shit starts hitting one’s fan. I’ve seen how we are mostly detached from social problems unless we are directly affected by them. Do we all require to go through extensive abuse before we act? No – yet we seem to be still choosing the hard long road out of hell, which is Earth – yet, it is not necessary.

 

This is a movie to reflect and see how the problems in our society are brewed from the starting point of living in scarcity, having parents that must work to place food on the table, get drunk to ‘heal the pain’ and do it all over again the next day. I won’t go into details it, I can simply say it is a must-watch to understand what irresponsible paternity leads to, how kids then grow up with an ever-increasing and fueled grudge toward parents, wishing they had never been born and ending up trapped in the same cycles they were brought-up with through their parents.

 

The abusive company – or absence – of parents within a child’s life becomes a stigma that becomes a definitive factor within ‘who they are’ as a personality and character in society. The stories in the movie tell about the two sides of the same coin, a coin that was divided and created by words spoken in disregard of how powerful they can be to destroy a being’s life if the individual allows it so. This is one of the reasons why Self Forgiveness should be introduced at an early stage within children, to allow them to see that no word can have ‘power’ over them, no matter who utters the words, it is all about who we accept and allow ourselves to be and become, which always must be veered toward a Best for All outcome.

 

Children end up living out their parents lives in one way or another, because ‘it’s all they have ever known’ – and just as a very fuckedup Stockholm syndrome – love within family is confused as this necessary ‘respect’ too keep a ‘loving memory’ for someone that wasn’t necessarily an example to follow – however any form of dignity or care that these should have toward their offspring is often simply neglected or abused, even to the point of indirectly killing them.

 

“The sins of the fathers passed on in a system of inequality, where each human is responsible for the abdication of supporting life before profit, by allowing a system of profit that causes a system of lack and thus frustrated behaviors that are the reflection of inequality as life is second to profit. The behavior of the father, is no different that an economic system that allows starvation, he shows us what we are by what we allow. We are all to blame.
Vote for a system of equality. Equal Money SystemRebecca Dalmas

 

The nature of relationships at a family level has not progressed at all, it is actually going into a devolutionary process wherein an ‘open range’ of ‘anything goes’ is taken as the new bastion for ‘freedom’ and breaking of ‘old patterns’ to further degenerative processes within humanity. Where is Self-Honesty? Where is the actual consideration of what is Best for All? Where is parental self-responsibility to ensure that the child grows in a supportive environment? Is there any parental-guide available to all humans at the moment? No – we are creating it, the same as proposing an overall system reform wherein all beings will be born with an equal-living access to everything required to live in dignity. No more family blackmailing or financial subjugation to another.

 

It is Not just ‘a Film’

 

The reality is that these movies end up only being like a really bitter taste to remain with for 90 minutes. The point is to not relegate it to it being ‘just another movie’ as these are real-stories that must be seen from the perspective of such ‘characters’ being in essence ourselves as well,  it is who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become in this world, wherein family relationships, parenting and sexual-education is virtually non-existent.

No one is actually ‘trained’ to be a human being and deal with the most basic points  that we step-in in an automated mode within this world, which begins with family, then friends, relationships, sex, marriage and creating one’s own family which leads to parenting which must be completely reformed in order to STOP the passing of the same fuckups and ‘sins of the fathers,’  as everything that you couldn’t cope-with within your life at a tender age wherein mother fights with father and beats the hell out of you becomes a common pattern within human beings, which is absolutely unacceptable.

 

This can now come to an end for once and for all: investigate the tools of self support at Desteni, because it is only through us taking Self Responsibility for creating educational and self-supportive platforms as the world system that we can begin creating a substantial change within our reality, and toward anyone else that is willing to walk the same path of education and self-investigation to see where and how our primary relationships have shaped ‘who we are’ since childhood – thus how to stand up from that to never ever allow the same patterns to repeat again.

There is a solution and we are already walking it.

Self Forgiveness to make sure the accumulative effect of part in the world is always what is best for all, and that we realize we must expect the same from all other beings or we will be the slaves to their whims and beliefs and abuses through allowing it.
We have been warned throughout time that the sins of the fathers are visited upon the children and thus upon the world, but under the disguise of love we do nothing to stop the spread of sin as social disease making love a social disease as well.
Remember – self honesty is the most difficult thing you will ever face as it will be your own self deception as the part you play in the mess as civilization that you will confront and must change if you ever want to become a real living being. – Bernard Poolman

 

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Support yourself at http://www.desteni.org

Featured Blogs:

and many more @ Destonians 

For self-support to Stop repeating the Sins of the Fathers from generation to generation and become the actual point of change that we require in this world to create ‘the future of the world’ in equality:

Desteni I Process and Agreements Course for Self-Supportive Relationships in this World

 

For movies and feelings that may come up when watching – recommend to read this and watch the video featured there before watching the movie, it supported me to not ‘give-in’ to tears:

Reconciliation! and other hooks.

 

Stories that tell what we have accepted and allowed as our ‘human nature’ with the necessary direction that movies definitely miss:

 

Videos/ Vlogs:

2011 Parenting – YouTube
2011 Parenting in an Equal World – YouTube
2008 GOD as Man – The Physical – Part 15 – Parenting Children
2007 Shi 9 — An Alien View On Parenting Video

 

Examples of extreme parental negligence:

Child of Rage The FULL Documentary


Reality TV is NOT Made in Hollywood

We’ve been watching some documentaries that reveal the current conditions that we are living in as part of this world, yet not aware of it due to our confinement in the places where ‘everything is fine’ which are the cities and places that obtain all the benefits from the products and resources that are only ‘sold’ and ‘ready to be consumed’ in the exchange of some coins and bills, which certainly leaves behind a ghostly and quickly evaporated trail of HOW such products and resources are able to appear nicely packaged in the shelves of our local Wal-Mart – which btw has now gotten to India now, asserting their current status and power as one of the most successful slave-job industries hitting jackpot around the world with selling slavery-made cheap disposable products made in china, paying slave wages to workers and earning the most comfortable profit that comes from distribution  due to its international expansion with almost imperialistic tactics, smelling the trail of juicy amounts of money unwinding in ‘expanding economies,’ which is just a fancy name to name-the-game of becoming a great player in the capitalist game of abuse and exploitation to make the most for your pocket.

More often than not we are trapped in our own bubbles of individualized perception wherein I as the mind is the only thing that exist as if the sun revolved around us. We are entertained in our own thinking processes, walking our own Hollywood movie while missing the reality of this world, which we certainly now have the option and ability to watch if we are able to have internet and a pair of eyes and ears and enough self will and self direction to hear and see in an active mode, which would imply the realization that: this is our creation and we must take self responsibility for it. No more passive consumption of information.

 

I’ve shared before how it is through these documentaries shared by people at Desteni for some years now that I’ve become more aware of  what is happening in the world I live in.  I’ve opened my eyes to a reality that existed beyond my personal delusion of ‘wanting to escape this world’ without even being aware of the actual atrocious reality that others are merely surviving through every day. And this is not to ‘know the reality that others face’ for the sake of ‘feeling fortunate about my position,’ which is how I was usually told by my mother or family members to then ‘be grateful for.’ That’s also a load of crap as we are here to realize what is currently being experienced by fellow human beings – that are also you and me – for the sake of realizing what it takes to have our nicely packaged products and services at the flick of our wrist that holds money to buy it. Buying in itself is then the single act of agreeing upon the abuse that the creation/ production/ manufacture or service provision entails as all the lives – not only human – that are affected through its process from being something that is only ‘here’ as part of Earth into becoming an entire product that can be bought and sold = made profit from while raping the Earth in absolute disregard of all life.

The very fact that we use money is entailing our absolute acceptance of slavery by the single fact that we play a blind eye to not see or – in most cases – even be interested of getting informed, becoming aware of how things are created; how animals that we eat are being slaughtered and kept in hideous conditions, how the clothes that we wear, the iPod that we carry around, the computers that we sit in front of and virtually everything that’s currently sold is made and will entail at least one single abusive commercial relationship – yes that means money related. I can assure you, most of the stuff we consume if not ALL of it is the product of slavery, of low barely-to-live wages and often deplorable conditions doing jobs that we would probably not even imagined existed, yet existed as part of the forces that create the products that we consume, products that we’d like to rather  believe that come from a nicely antiseptic and clinical environment as some scientist’s laboratory.

 

I read Cameron’s blog “The Sulfur Ghosts of Indonesia” which was a very cool self-reflection on his experience and general realization on what’s portrayed in this greatly made video that shows the reality lived in this same world while we might be caged in our little boxes where everything is seemingly just alright.  This documentary shows the reality of what other human beings have to go through every single day to ‘make a living’ Once again, all of this existent because of money, because of living in a world wherein the countries with the most resources are exploited by those that have the capital to manufacture and produce goods/ services with what is obtained/ extracted through slave labors which means the abusive treat of workers with a  minimum cost for the extraction of resources to make the greatest profit once it hits a store near you. These men are filmed while they have their regular menial jobs going down the pit of an active volcano to get sulfur, carrying up to 70 kilos and drinking alcohol as a fake source of bravery to go through this each day, amongst many other experiences in between that I’m sure we cannot even begin to comprehend through this.

The particular situation of this documentary – and similar to the cocaleros situation in Bolivia “Risking it all” also produced by Al Jazeera – reveals the day to day actual hard work that is endured by people to make the least to live while dreaming of someday being able to leave such places in means of a better life. It is literally heartbreaking how while this is happening somewhere in the world there is an entire schizophrenic egotron alternate reality lived in other places in the world where self-pleasure, entertainment, greed and the most unbelievable hedonist treats are created out of and with the money that is made from the exploitation that is inflicted upon these people. And somehow we even dare to say that what happens somewhere else in the world has no direct correlation to our lives. That’s just unacceptable upon the face of the blatant evidence of this around the world.

I agree with what Cameron began saying which is how I am here being cozy in my room watching this and in moments even getting lost in the aesthetics of the entire film and the picture details which I certainly had to snap out in a moment to see my own programming, seeing everything as a nice picture or ‘quality made material’ and for a moment forgetting about this being The Real World and getting in the ‘mood’ of it being a movie. Fuck “reality TV,” that’s just another sickening move by the media to make believe that ‘reality’ is all about personal conflicts, relationships and all types of human drama lived in stages places where ostentation and the stupidity of man become the protagonist. No, that’s NOT Reality TV at all. That’s just a cool business for those that seek to sip the most out of you.

Bastian made a cool comment upon this activity of documentary watching which is how this is what should be broadcasted 24/7 on our TV Screens. I mean, the most I get at times is reports from ‘human trafficking on CNN’ and related matters;  the rest of the fucked up hundreds of channels are specifically designed to make believe that ‘reality’ is able to be categorized according to personal preferences with regards to what our “lifestyle” is all about: sports, cooking, sitcoms, movies, music, news, audio channels and repeat. Oh and have your remote control with little lights in case you fail to see the three digit code for each one of them.

 

I was saying how I got lost in a moment for seeing the picture and its quality and beauty, revealing that I was no different to the tourists that take photos of such places, smiling while slaves are passing by – and we even dare to see ‘them’ as part of the entire novelty that such places may represent for someone that comes to ‘pay a visit’ to the place for a couple of hours and then leaving off with a nice souvenir, while people literally leave their thousands of breaths in those places, doing the same every single day while pondering about ‘the west’ or the ‘north’ where all of that which is slaved is taken to make some other fellow human beings rejoice by seeing what the mighty bills at hand can obtain in one single moment, completely oblivious to this other side of the coin.

 

Watching documentaries sometimes leaves me with an intrinsic desire to end all of this nonsense in one go, like wanting to desperately give an end to this nightmare for other human beings . Though it’s clear how that only reveals the point of not wanting to face ourselves as the entire network of self-enslavement and limitation that we are existing within ourselves as our mind and as the world system where we are the actual evil that have pacted upon our enslavement to this make believe system called Money, which stands as the almighty god that everyone is currently subdued to.

 

What may seem like our everyday ‘living’ and part of ‘who we are’ can be someone else’s pipe dream somewhere else in the world.

We are probably too fixed with the idea of suffering and despicable human situations linked to starving people by default of which we only get to see in ubiquitous pictures and films, often seeing them in a passive mode  that has lost its ability to ‘shock’ and has become part of the popular imagery – yes how fucked up is that. Yet, watching people in their current slave jobs, watching animals in situ where their worst nightmares are perpetuated, watching “criminals”/people in jail, telling their stories broadcasted for anyone to hear is something that literally allows us to place things into perspective every time that we dare to, for a moment only though, step into someone else’s reality, a fellow living being reality in this same world –from insects, to the trail of water, to people’s lives in certain countries and religions, from slave jobs in highly risky conditions to children sniffing glue in the subways of Rumania – from getting a spiffy bird’s eye view of the world with gloomy data on our world’s depletion of resources to the understanding how the water that we buy in bottles is only a thousand-time profit making for the companies that sell you your tap water; from the massive and hideous killings of dolphins in Japan to the viewing of hundreds of tons of wasted food being dumped around the world, while holding that initial image of people starving as the ultimate depiction of human suffering.

 

I’m glad that I’ve been linked to watching them all which is yet another awesome thing about walking as a group where we share what we are watching so that we can create a collective awareness of other beings’ lives on the same planet and how it becomes another reason of why we are one ‘vote for world equality’ so that we can finally give an end to this daily torture that human beings that are you and me as well are going through.

What I just remembered from the great impact I had when watching these type of documentaries almost 4 years ago is how I would go into a mental experience of ‘feeling sad’ or ‘feeling bad’ and indirectly guilty about it which only lead me to enhance yet another personality and victimization point where no self-responsibility was realized.

Now it’s a matter of seeing the reality as it exists and stopping any form of reaction wherein I see and realize that this is our creation and we can only use this information for the sake of creating a solution that will make sure that their lives will no longer be bound to money, to make sure that we get educated to get to know about these atrocities and how we as humans are directly creating it all. Is suggest you read Cameron’s blog to see what sulfur is used for and we’ll understand how the requirement of it is a byproduct of the current capitalist system that we’ve accepted and allowed as ‘our world’ where some are meant to be fucked-for-life while others are meant to live as kings of the hill where coins and paper bills pay away the most basic needs that people living in slave conditions buy to barely survive, basic needs that should be grated for all human beings by mere virtue of being alive.

As far as myself, I got to see yet once again the bubble and literal containments that we live in. When I say bubble and this make-believe world as the cities that we live in, the image of this dream-like structures created by Jacque Fresco for The Venus Project come to my mind. How would such ‘cities’ be able to stop the suffering of people that are used to living in such rich natural environments and that could actually live a very basic lifestyle while enjoying themselves – which is how I personally see that life should be – and instead have people in this ultra automated structures where hedonism becomes the ultimate ‘goal’. This might seem ‘off topic’ yet it is used or seen as one of the plausible options to create a ‘better world’.

 

Seeing the reality of people in say non-western type of societies allow us to see how we have set a ‘standard living’ based on the same propaganda that we’ve been fed with throughout our entire lives. And it’s not like we should now feel ‘guilty’ for this as we literally didn’t know anything better, we weren’t aware of this at all. This is how in news channels when they shift the news from violent repressive acts to talk about the queen’s new royal drapes for her palace or this or that pollutitian’s new ‘reality show,’ or shootings in a war zone, protests occupying the streets… that’s all part of the entire showbiz of this reality, as it produces the expected reactions within people that will shape their opinions to then have a ‘say’ about this world based on how the information has been deliberately structured and conducted through media.

This is why we don’t get to see these documentaries amongst other interesting and constructive information that expose the media itself, the corporations that are making the most of us buying into the traps that will vindicate their actions as some form of development, progress, defense of a nation, preventive measures to shut down potential enemies, exposing half-assed truths where the remaining half is then left aside to only create the effect of being informed and omitting speaking about any form of potential solutions, as it would also debunk their entire business while creating a certain profile of being an informative-caring network.  If there was no juicy profit making for CNN, would they still care about slave labor? How come any news or any media hasn’t ever openly shared space or proposed for an entire reform to the system – not even your alternative media gets to such point yet.

This can only confirm that the actual solution is still not seen or is still dumbed down as ‘impossible’ or as a ‘pipe dream’ without realizing that such ideology and criticism is only stemming from the same media that has taught us about the good and the bad guys in this world, failing to promote self responsibility obviously or supporting a critical eye view based on facts and not made-up sentences. That’s something that is often – may I say – deliberately side viewed as not many would like to continue watching the reality that is created from our very actions of buying and consuming what is here through money and if that happened, their audience would be reduced substantially which is not good for the pocket’s health.

 

At Desteni we are becoming the new culture of life, the new way of living as a human being that directs himself/ herself to become informed through articles, news, documentaries and writes upon sharing what’s realized in common sense. This is a deliberate self willed action that is done while others are partying, ‘drunking’ and  seeking for the next quick fix to keep existing in a fuel-generated bubble that will eventually have to burst.

 

The culture of life entails that we stand within a principle that’s best for all, that we are walking as ourselves wherein the process of expansion and self realization in self honesty is certainly not nice or beautiful, as it is realizing the entire fuckup we’ve created of this world as ourselves and in that, seeing that the solution won’t come from our preprogrammed chauvinistic authorities that seek to prolong their power and influence over people, it won’t be an easy one-two-three playskool scenario either, it must  be created and directed by people like you and me that are seeing the reality for what it is without compromising ourselves through money for it; it’s about realizing and daring to continuously face the reality that we’ve neglected all along while ‘living our lives’ through the tell-a-vision, through the nicely framed reality we live in. It places our entire ‘real world into perspective with a great kick in the ass when we see how any ideal of magnificence can only entail an entire army of slaves to be able to build it. And that’s what we are still pursuing as humanity, that’s what we’ve become: the oppressors of fellow living beings that disregard life and exploit it all in the name of money.

Hence, we are the ones that must stop existing in our little bubbles of self-created movies wherein we are constantly seeking an experience, a ‘something going on’, a point of limitation to hang on to, where wanting/ needing/ desiring becomes the constant in the humans equation of what ‘life’ is.  What is Life really? Certainly not known or even explored in actuality by a majority in this world. We are all neophytes within the realm of actually living as all we’ve known is this current staged living condition governed by Money as the ‘own-me’ that we have accepted as value upon us. We are only now  walking the process of getting to finally live through understanding our creation, through taking self responsibility, through stopping all cycles that have enslaved each other as the current structure of the system through deliberately acting and willing ourselves to live  in ways that we become the solution that this world requires.

We cannot expect things to be done in ‘automatic’ as we know what ‘automatic’ leads to and we only have to look at this world to see what our disregard for all things and all people in this world as proof of the ultimate irresponsibility conducted by the human in its attempt to make illusory mind superiority into a reality which is proving to be unsustainable and only becoming a crime against life that must be stopped for once and for all.

Equal Money System so that we don’t blow this entire world up.

Dare to care, inform yourself, get yourself out of the limited mind frame of reality that more often than not is limited to viewing reality through a screen. So why not using such resources at hand for a supportive activity that can actually allow us to expand our current perception of the world to expand our horizons about what needs to be done here in order to dignify people’s lives.

I do recommend doing this as it focuses ourselves on the solutions that must be created which then places all seemingly distractive self experience into perspective where we can only vow ourselves to support us to see it for what it is, walk through it and direct our efforts to understand the ‘greater picture’ where not only ‘I’ as the mind exist but we as all living beings that are sharing this one single planet that we must stop from ceasing to exist.

 

http://www.equalmoney.org

 

TO NOT blow theworld with Equal Money


Life Per-pose: is this how it’s ‘meant to be’?

Discovering God’s master plan can be rather stifling for the very first time when writing yourself to freedom seeing all that which we accepted and allowed in the name of ‘personal growth’ or ‘learning lessons in life’ within the acceptance of us having to go through this for some apparent mystical reason. Most of them are unacceptable acts of self-abusive nature that we as humans have kept us busy recreating as ‘our life’ while missing the actual factness of life as breath as the physical, here. This all began when reading this following quote and getting to the point of ‘debunking it’:

“There are no coincidences. Every event we experience and every person we meet has intentionally been put in our path to help raise our level of consciousness .” Cheryl Richardson

Then I realized that I used to think this way for a LONG time, finding all types of meanings to virtually ANYTHING in my world, making of my ‘life’ nothing else but a ‘puzzle’ wherein I’d be entertained enough all the time ‘placing it together’ or at least finding some type of ‘meaning’ to it all.

With this I mean that I sought for some type of ‘guidance’ and/or ‘divine clues’ a long time. I’ve kept written records of myself from the year 2000, beginning with petty notes of ‘going somewhere’ or having some major change in my life – which meant going to another school or having another ‘platonic love’ to write about – and within them all I was always ‘hoping for something to knock on my door to tell me the way to go’ and within this following the idea that whatever I ‘had to experience’ was related to some higher purpose.

Within seeking for ‘guidance’ I began searching for that ‘something’ that I had to ‘come across with’ to get to fulfill some kind of heaven-sent life purpose, I’ve scrapped off most of this as ‘who I am’ and I’m simply bringing it up here as it just re-emerged when taking this quote to write about it and before I place this quote on its deserved trash can, I have to take a look at how this type of statements actually enhanced my thoughts on there being a ‘meaning’, a ‘reason, a ‘purpose’ for anything/everyone I encountered myself with in this world.

Interesting that within this I never ever questioned myself why if I had to ‘follow a certain pattern’ never questioned the fact that it was a pattern and that it was already laid out before me – but anyways, I got my entertainment for several years on cherishing every single thing that could possibly mean ‘a piece in the puzzle’ that was ‘myself’ and ‘who I had to become’ which was someone that kept living ‘for the future’ and with various multiple future projections of myself in time, seldom being actually Here. I mean, when I was 10 years old I already wanted to be 20 to apparently ‘have all the fun I wanted to have as a grown up’ and this had only stopped since I’ve been walking this process, otherwise I’d probably still be picturing myself 10 years from now as a ‘realized person’ with whatever form of success I had sought to achieve before.

But the spiritual aspect of this came as I started getting to know of book writers, musicians and artists that had a similar vein and perspective on life which lead me to think ‘I’m on the right path’. Acquaintances would seem like ‘hints’ to the ‘next piece of the puzzle in my life’ which would become my ‘next thing to do’ – maybe this is why I dig that movie Memento that much because the guy ‘lives his life’ out of this apparent mission he’s got to fulfill and how we build ourselves as memories with attached value/ meaning to create ‘who we are’.

Every person that I got to know I’d know the exact days and numbers and in which ‘era’ of myself I was in, I was quite an obsessed freak on all types of seemingly rubbish data that would mean ‘the world’ to me. Every relationship that I had as the aspects that I thought I had to ‘walk through ‘ to eventually ‘get somewhere else’ became quite the ‘living-pattern’. This brings me back to stuff like tarot, the movie PI probably ignoring at that time how I had become fixated on such type of movies because I had sought to create of my life my own alchemist journey wherein at the end of it all, all the suffering, all the mistakes, all the sadness and despair that I over indulged and created for myself as my own life-story would’ve made ‘sense’ and would finally get some type of reward – such as getting to the source of it all and becoming an enlightened being of sorts forever leaving behind the physical coil that I had despised and disregarded for so long. I mean, ‘this mortal coil’ became one of those sentences that marked my view of myself as my world and thus seeking always something else separate from myself to ‘get somewhere else’ but here.

From this I created a literal ‘story in the making’ of my own life, through my own writings, through the stuff that I’d create, the pictures I’d take in a compulsive manner as to keep those moments in my memory as ‘who I am’ and as a reminder of whatever experience I had created for myself in that moment were also considered as the type of ‘divine sign’ as being in ‘this time and space in this particular moment’ which means =  ‘I must be on the right path!’. Literally, to this I can add how I’d be seeing patterns of numbers everywhere all the time, seeing eyes in the sky – without ever understanding how it is that we program ourselves to do that, well my mother explained me a bit on that but I denied the common sense presented as in such plain grounded words as ‘you’re creating it yourself’ because I wanted to preserve such mysterious side of my life as my own story-to-tell that would have this marvelous finale someday.

From every experience I would think  that ‘there was something to learn’, there must be ‘something more to it than that which I can understand at the moment’. Within this mindset I accepted and allowed myself to be in relationships wherein I’d get to experience a lot of self-acceptance through others while  suffering by their side, in a way believing that I had to pay some ‘karma’ about that or that I had somehow given up on myself at some point and now it was my turn to save people – yes this is called the saviour syndrome and we’ve walked it for quite some time through this process as well.

This became  a literal experience when I’d have male friends that were mostly ‘social outcasts’ for whatever reasons people and themselves would cage themselves in –either due to sexual preferences, schizoid and erratic addictive behaviors, bum-like creatures that spoke like poetry all the time, people that were usually  judged and that not many could ‘stand’ for a long period of time but myself. Once I had my ‘partner/friend/lover whatever living with my best gay friend lol that was quite a fascinating time wherein I literally thought that this was ‘meant to be’ for me to become the person that stands as the reason why none of them has finally pulled the trigger to blow their heads off = “I was meant to be there!” Oh god…

So, I started seeing myself as a ‘healer’ – or rather like a nurse as a someone that wanted to help people while creating this ever-glowing aura around myself. This personality was also supported by these guys around me and other people that I’d meet with whom I started behaving like in a ‘guru style’, becoming more of a light and lover easy-going ‘silent’ person which would be mostly submissive and accepting tantrums from my friends/relationships as something that ‘must had a meaning/ purpose/ reason to be in my life’, I’d mindfuck myself as far as ‘I must develop tolerance and patience to deal with these people, this is what I’ve chosen and I’m not aware of it, so I accept and comply to it” –

For this I applied the nonsensical idea that I had to pay for probably having been such a deranged lunatic in some other life and now having to be the one that ‘takes care of such beings that were ‘me’ but in this life’. I mean, what a masterpiece of a holy-wood movie I built of myself, and this we all do every time we seek to create these stories that would someday apparently ‘have any meaning’ to know who or what we are and what we’re supposed to be doing here in this world, that ‘lifepath’ and purpose in life thing would drive me crazy, always wanting to know ‘what I was supposed to be doing’ and thus placing trust in everything outside of myself to ‘guide me to it’ – never realizing self direction in any moment.

I actually accepted any type of emotional turmoil from myself and others around me as ‘lessons to be learned’ as points that I had to accept as part of my life due to me having misbehaved in the past. I accepted myself to be tied and bound to relationships just because I feared ‘losing myself’ as all the self-created value/worth that I had built around myself in relation to these particular persons and that others had accepted as ‘who I was’ which had to do with others ‘depending on me to keep going’ – kind of making of myself the necessary nurse that ‘must be by their side’ otherwise they’ll sink into depression and die. Even my family would make fun of me taking food to my friends and being there like the nurse to make sure they’d take their antidepressants and would have enough weed to not go into erratic behaviour and hissy fits with other people, to ensure that I’d stand for as long as it would take them to slow down and come back to senses. I obviously wasn’t living my life at all, I was living as someone else’s shadow going through the same cycles of asking ‘how are you’ hoping to hear ‘I’m okay’ instead of ‘same as always’.

I am exposing this because this is obvious self abuse that I accepted and allowed as myself – I was going to write ‘that I endured’ but that’d be self-victimization which became sort of like the usual ‘martyr’-personality wherein I literally thought that I had to suffer to make any real art, that I had to suffer to really know what ‘life is about’, that I had to endure pain and any form of disgrace for the sake of knowing my limits and thus ‘strengthen’ my resolution to be a ‘loving being’ in a dream-like state of life where ‘nothing would bother me’, where I would’ve found all the ‘keys and secrets to life’ after having lived a life that would seem no different to an esoteric monopoly game of hints, ups and downs that were apparently ‘part of the plan’.

Such ‘masterplan’ of my life  was never master in fact and it was a preprogrammed plan for us to be entertained within our own personal mythologies that we decided to cultivate as the seeking of meanings, codes, symbols or any other trivial fact that would become part of the beads to tie into a single chain that would have some coherence at some point in our lives, without ever seeing how we had missed life, the actual ‘beingness’ of being here, embracing ourselves as the physical when going into a dimensional shift of a ‘someday’-situation  being alright, of being finally ‘in paradise’.

I must say that after these years I’ve made quite a ‘progress’ in letting go of creating this type of ‘coincidences having any meaning’ in my life and making of myself just as another character that I would often indulge into within reading and losing myself into it which I would then try to correlate to the events I’d have in my own life. Now I’ve simplified my living to directing it here as the moment instead of bouncing back and forth into a past that seemed like the usually tagged ‘good old times’ wherein I’d feed my premature nostalgia and/or dream of a future wherein I would apparently be settled and ‘knowing what I’m here fore’ for whatever ‘divine’ reason it’ would be.

Every time that we see ourselves saying ‘it had to be this way’, ‘it happened for some reason’, ‘this things don’t happen by accident’ – Oh right, there’s another movie I can relate to this single point in how ‘orchestrated’ our entire reality was to the point of being sarcastically tragic, that’s ‘Magnolia’ and I’d confer this as one of my favorite movies because of how they depicted a series of seemingly unimportant events getting to a climatic intricate cross-wired story-telling that develops into a resolution of realizing how fragile we as human beings are when we are pray of our emotions/ feelings as well as being subject to death, tragedy and seemingly unfathomable natural events that could twist even the most ‘grounded head’ around for a second look. In the movie they emphasize how ‘things cannot be simple coincidences or random accidents, but would have some intricate unfathomable explanation that would mostly point out to a ‘god’ being the master puppeteer of them all, one sick god for the matter of this this movie and the nature of events that take place.

This is what I now realize but I’d solace myself to  think that all of this life would also make sense at the end, which is how I kept me in an idle status of hoping and ‘waiting’ for something/someone to come and ‘save me’ – lol even the main song for that movie’s soundtrack is called ‘Save me’ by Aimee Mann. This correlates to when my secret desire to ‘meet god’ grew bigger and my indulgence in conspiracy theories and end of the world stories began ‘ringing like bells to my ears’ as it would – at least – give me the sensation of ‘being somewhere near to the truth’ while neglecting the obvious truth of myself that I had accepted and allowed while existing in such constant ‘seeking for a momentum’, ‘seeking for such relationship that would be a key-point to my reality’, seeking for a meaning behind anything from a sequenced number on my microwave to a ‘glaring eye’ in the sky  that I would stumble upon, everyone I met that I thought I’d had to ‘meet’ and take something from to make myself…

Now:

Imagine millions living like this with all of this networks of information that we go storing as ‘who we are’ – no wonder we’ve created of this world as a stage to ‘gain the contest’, ‘run the quest’ for something, as a continuous seeking and ‘exploring’ everything and all that could ‘bring me a little closer to god’ in whatever form and sensation it would make itself present.

The moment I realized I had to stop this continuous self-creation as the ‘special character in the movie’ I’d perceive myself to be dead, a ‘goner’, idle and empty which was only me stopping from feeding my mind into these continuous self-created self-fuck mind-propulsion that sought a ‘new mystery’ every time to debunk and occupy myself in this as part of ‘seeking to find myself’ Lol, fascinating how much we disregarded our physical reality while existing in such a constant invisible surrounding bubbles as our minds filled with words, pictures , memories that could eventually mean something to myself or someone else for the sake of obtaining a ‘greater communication with the whole’ or whatever I would define ‘god’ to be, seeking to stitch all the moments and ‘get the final picture’ at the end of it all, like a quilt that I could then cover myself with and be at ‘peace’.

Once we look back and see how self support is always here as Breathe, we can laugh at all the intricacies and details that we’ve kept for the sake of ‘following such path’ and seeking a greater connection to it all.

I recognize this is the type of writing that allowed me to have a sense of self-recognition as all that I have accepted and allowed myself to become within my ‘personal history’ and place this process into perspective to see how I’ve gone from existing in such a limited frame of only building my own character and my own stories for the sake of my own indulgence in the existence of some ‘greater truth’ to be discovered – and now have a sense of realization with regards to how limited I had been living when only seeking my ultimate fulfillment and pleasure while disregarding the entire world and whatever was going on through such times when I became self-centered all the way.

Part of spirituality is the promotion of this individualism wherein apparently you are encouraged to ‘let go of your ego’ while promoting the creating of yourself as some type of ‘divine act of god’ that would have some grand meaning after all the shake ups and fuckups would’ve been walked and blindly accepted and allowed  without ever realizing: wait a minute, I can actually stop myself from supporting this, I can actually support myself to not participate in these constant search for something ‘greater’ than myself, I can actually be here without desiring to become something, attain something or seek for someone but instead face myself and embrace myself.

When living in this constant search for meaning and purpose we miss what’s here which is to be breathed, we miss the reality that we exist as while existing in an apparent ‘better past’ and moving into the future hoping that you’re able to ‘make it through’ this life. It is through this non-self acceptance of ourselves as ‘this mortal coil’ that we remain believing that there is some ‘intention’ behind our lives, hence that there is some marvelous being watching our back. It was never a god, it was just a fucked up program designed to keep us generating feelings and emotion to power some creator’s ideal of ‘heaven’.

Now what we’ve hit the ground, we can stop drifting off to some alternate reality see that there is no meaning, no purpose no ‘intention’ behind this to seek other than the intention and direction as the purpose of life to create a world that’s best for all, because there’s nothing else to do really and we’ve neglected this for such a long time that it’s only fair we dedicate this life to make it a reality.

There is no ‘raising of consciousness’ available in your local white-light store (not the apple one) anymore – that’s all gone. What remains is here as breathing fleshy-bloody living human beings that has only each moment to establish ourselves as life. We shut down all the superior-god ideas being possible within this reality and focus on the matters of this world of which there are many points to take care of so that we can move as human beings from our self-dug cave of enlightenment.

Wake up!

and thanks for reading up to here.

Please read Sunette’s explanation and perspective on this quote which certainly is the great point of direction required once we’ve realized the fuckups that we’ve accepted as ‘our life’ and reality:

Relationships are no “Coincidence”

Consciousness is the grid of enslavement that we believed ‘had to be raised’ – what a mindfuck.

Get to know the real story of our existence at Desteni


Mind Control Victims–Read all about it!

 

Extra Extra!  Special Edition for Conspiracy Theorists

You can support yourself to stop you from being a victim to mind control – yes that begins with us stopping ourselves from being victims of our own accepted and allowed emotions and feelings and mental experiences as ‘who we are’.

No one can have ‘power over you’ but yourself – and the only power we have is that which ‘powers’ the physical in every single moment – breathing which allows nutrients obtained from food to be digested and eventually absorbed and distributed to fuel the physical body to keep existing – that’s your real power. Therefore breathing is that single confirmation of ‘I are HERE as the physical’ – where is the mind within this? nowhere: You Don’t require to THINK to digest meals and absorb them as nutrients to exist, you don’t require to think to continue breathing –

Hence, who’s the real conspiracy theorist here? No one else but each one of us existing as a mind drone, making of this life an actual movie-script wherein there is supposed to be all kinds of meanings and secrets and symbols that could lead to potential freedom and ever-lasting glory – is that reality? No -

That doesn’t exist, that’s the type of stories we’ve all tried to live as ‘who we are’ as ‘our lives’, living the ‘journey’ of having to ‘fight some enemy’ or ‘overcoming this inner struggle’ that apparently keeps us in this eternal self-created damnation – it’s all been a joke, it’s all information and pictures that keeps us entertained, diverted from ANYTHING that is actually HERE, REAL as this physical reality that we’re driving to the litter can just because of our own over-indulgence into thinking and making up stories that could make us ‘forget’ that we are HERE. We’ve all taken part playing our role, who do we want to be at the end of the movie? Remain as the character or actually step out of it to see what we’ve allowed ourselves to become and STOP living out a preprogrammed limited scheme that we’ve called ‘life’.

Life is Not an experience – life does not require to be thought or felt or engaged-in as in a movie  that you perceive will make you ‘happy’. That’s all the LI(F)E that we’ve bought – so we stop buying it through not indulging into thinking ourselves and instead focusing on breathing, living physically HERE. 

Stop trying to blame others for ‘controlling’ your life – stop trying to seek worth and value in separation of who you really are, stop seeking stories that will apparently give you ‘a meaning to Life’ – Systems are the only ones that have a purpose, systems can only have meanings to ‘living’ as a predefined and limited scope of what is HERE as ourselves. 

We’re all one and equal yet we’ve fucked ourselves into personal hells wherein we’ve ostracized ourselves not seeing the greater picture, missing out the actual reality and instead rejoicing in the juices of the emotions and experiences that we allowed to build ‘who we are’ and within this, create our personal mythology to make sense and create a meaning to ourselves and this world, even if that meant abusing ourselves in one way or another.

This is all bogus life scams that we’ve relied upon. Not anymore, never again will we disregard the whole as ourselves – and that implies we stop getting high on information and start looking at actual solutions that ‘I’ can implement here as myself to stop the ludicrous insanity we’ve helped co-crehate in this world.

Stop fearing, start living.

Self support platform is available at the Desteni Forums – check it outhttp://desteni.co.za/intro-forum/

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Stop being a walking zombie and start breathing yourself as LIFE


Birth Life – Not War

Imagine yourself as a kid that turns on the TV and the channel’s CNN – you see a bunch of huge cars with people holding  large guns, breaking into homes, shouting, yelling in some language that you can’t even understand, lighting up cars, breaking windows on streets, shouting, running through streets…

You see fellow kids on the screen, they’re dead on the street, a woman next to her daughter sobbing for her daughter, she’s got blood all over… how would you react? Is this the world that we want children to be born into? You see people talking back and forth yet no one seems to see the obvious: JUST STOP KILLING EACH OTHER!!

Then further news come in, you see images of cities with rivers instead of pavement, you see people crying and looking worried while seeing their coach stream down the street, people’s homes just taken away by a gigantic flow of water – is this what we want kids to see?

Changing the channel you see images of famous people, squandering their millions on clothes and cars and shit they don’t really require to live – people barely wearing any clothes singing to songs, some others having ‘great fun’ while they go around the world – what’s wrong with this picture? How to go on as a kid seeing both images coming through the screen, both reflecting part of our bipolar reality.

Is this the world that we want to leave to the kids? to Ourselves?

 

No.

 

We’re destroying children’s ability to remain pure and have that sparkle of life that’s now being diverted to begin their quest to become massive consumers of sugar as candies and toys which then become clothes, cars and any other shit that is taught to them will make them ‘happy’. We’ve become the worst dictators as we ‘teach’/educate and indoctrinate kids to mold into the shapes and ways of this corrupt and abusive world. How have we dared to disregard LIFE when being a co-creator of this world?

 

We can only forgive ourselves for this and ensure we STOP no matter what.

We don’t require to be parents to actually realize that we have to create a world wherein kids don’t have to be staring at ‘life’ through switching channels in the remote control. Kids cannot possibly continue seeing the death and destruction that man is STILL till this day brewing for the sake of MONEY.

 

This is one of the main concerns I’ve had, a reason why I don’t plan nor want to bring a child into this world – yet, I have a newly born in my family, my sister’s baby whom I call ‘Baby Fukushima’ because she was born on march 11th this year when the earthquake in Japan took place – and my other sister is also pregnant and bringing a boy into this world at the end of this year… man, I only sigh upon this, I cannot say anything else because it’s obvious how this goes.

 

I read a hilarious note in the school’s newspaper today: ‘fertility amongst teenage women on the rise’’ – it’s obvious that it’s NOT about fertility but people not using any form of birth control, probably because of money, lack of education and worst cases: due to religious beliefs of ‘I’ll have as many kids as god wants me to have’ – some others even consider it a ‘human right’ to have children regardless of the actual conditions that someone could have to be able to support another being and provide a dignified life.

 

When I was a pre-teen, I started realizing how the world worked and I always wanted a change – I realized that to change this it’d be like uprooting the old tree and simply planting a new one – that seems impractical to do at this stage and the only point we can do is simply work with ourselves, to make sure that we at least continue ‘at least’ continue living with a new way of considering each other, with a full determination to STOP this madness that’s currently going on in this world.

 

It’s in moments like these where the world doesn’t seem to make any sense that we can only make sure we ground ourselves as breath – here – this is what I am – and I’ve only got moment to moment to continue directing myself, ensuring I don’t become part of the madness but I instead embrace and literally amalgamate myself as the only certainty that I have, breath as myself here to walk through anything that may come our way.

 

From here we can only ensure that we establish a way to support people financially so that we can then focus on education and proper support networks to support others to realize that there is another way of living in this world – for all equally. There IS a way – it only isn’t  here yet, we’ve got to create it and this is simply that which I have given to myself as ‘’the point’ to live for and by in  my existence – I do this for myself in the recognition of what and who I really am – I don’t allow myself to be daunted by the images I see – I breath and I remain as here is what I am.

 

What we’re facing is nothing else but manifested consequences of our disregard for one another and Life – we can only walk in humbleness as Life is directing now –

 

I realize I began this entry talking about kids – and I’ll end it the same way: We once were those kids that got educated by those that came before us who also didn’t know anything else but the ways that they got taught by their parents and so forth – no one’s to blame, instead we take Self Responsibility.

We are now those ‘grown ups’ that have the ability to change the reality that kids will be seeing around them, the reality that will be seen through TV and computer screens – we cannot allow ourselves to continue with this old world – we’ve got to become the stand to make a final STOP from history repeating and not only create a ‘new picture’ for all of us to see, but a complete new way of existing, now living-life for real instead of living in a complete simulated reality where all pictures have taken the place of importance while disregarding and being completely alienated from realizing who we are as Life.

 

This is the only point we can take on as our vow to Life: to create a world that’s actually best for all -  it’s the least we can do as humanity after all we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become. When you take into consideration the whole as yourself, you stop worrying about our petty little problems in our mind, we start realizing the actual situations to be faced in reality as part of the challenges that we’ve so meticulously and inanely created for ourselves to face today – this is the process and it’s unfolding as we write and read here.

 

How I see it is only through taking self responsibility we can vindicate our stance towards that which we’ve disregarded all along as ourselves: Life.

 

Let’s support life to be birthed from the physical – not further disregard and enslavement as a clone of our past, waging wars for the sake of Money.

If you have kids I suggest to be the living example of a world that is an can be best for all, to stand strong within the realization that who we really are cannot be deadened by others. We stand, walk and breath – and so it is and will be.


¿Una Vida Más? ( One more life?) – 2008


The world just had a ‘tough day’

It is through wake-up calls that humanity will start seeing more and more that we are driving this world into insanity.
Coming home watching the news with a ‘financial meltdown’, London in flames and 29 000 kids under 5 years old dead in Somalia over 3 months of starvation with other 3.5 million severely requiring immediate aid makes you ponder how far do we have to go to see what we’re doing to ourselves in this world.

Within this, I’ve encountered ‘mixed perspectives’ so to speak wherein some are still taking a side on the entire problem instead of realizing that it is all our creation – equally – We’ve been the creators of the current system wherein we’ve allowed royals to exist while millions starve in a country where no one can even ‘help’ because of further jihads taking place in the area.

Though this and what is to come, we cannot allow ourselves to be appalled, that can only add on to the hysteria that’s being promoted while it’s only about seeing what’s going on in the world as a result of our negligence to all life.

I made this etching this some 3 years ago – it was part of realizing that we’ve cut our own hand while creating this reality, it’s the realization that we have actually failed to see this world as ourselves, and from there my stand can only be the realization that it is me that must stand up even if the world is upside down, through that constant support that I can give myself to not allow myself to ‘fall’ into a certain state due to how I see the world I am able to then embrace this world as myself and walk the necessary steps to continue living for life – to continue walking this process until it’s done.

It’s quite obvious that the events that are to come into this world won’t be ‘brighter’ tomorrow – we’ll be facing the truth and reality of ourselves full on and within all of this, within you sitting in front of your tv or computer, I can only say: watch the news, get informed in relation to what’s going on in this world, but let’s not get ourselves down or appalled by what we see – we rather see it as a manifested consequence of our disregard to life, of the failure that we’ve created as humanity to guard Life and instead guarded money with our lives – failing to see that our duty to be a custodian to life has been diverted towards an outcome that can have only result in an imperative desire to be the ‘kings of the world’ at all cost – that cost is here, is higher than ever and what we are realizing is nothing nice, nothing pretty of ourselves – this is our actual revelation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect life in all moments wherein I kept accepting a system wherein we simply continued participating in our worlds without having ever asked pertinent questions in relation to our existence, to our ability to create a system that could work for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept social inequality as the result of my own desire to avoid self-responsibility wherein the existence of slaves and economically marginalized people signified a convenience for me to not have to ‘do the job’ but rather have the ‘power’  as money to have others doing the stuff for me, having others taking self responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be appalled by the news today calling it a ‘tough day for Earth’ without realizing that this is just information that we are getting to know of because it’s got major impact on financial markets- YET the abuse, the starvation, the corruption that’s existent everywhere in this world doesn’t get such promotion because it prevents people from ‘being happy’ and consuming more to fool-fill themselves.

I can see that I have accepted and allowed this all the way hence me being affected by it is in fact resorting once again as a victim to this world and system without realizing I am this world, I am this system and I can’t possibly continue this way.

I realize that I am the only one that is able to support myself and within this, support others equally to walk this no matter what, not allowing us to react and participate in massive-hysterias and massive-fears which can only be but another way to drive humanity easy to self-doom.

We stop and we simply expose the reality for what it is, always pointing out that it’s about the entire contract that we’ve created as humanity while disregarding our ability to create a system that could be best for all. I allow myself to liv e in Equality to no longer be another ‘affected person’ but be a self-directive person that exposes, that shares perspectives in order to continue supporting ourselves, to lose all faith and believes of a ‘better world’ and instead dare to care and live myself through writing, through reflecting my experience and correct it in my reality.

I no longer allow myself to be appalled by the events of this world wherein I speak from a point of knowledge based on what’s being promoted in the news and instead, continue to breathe and walk and direct myself to a single outcome which is Equality as Life as myself, realizing and applying it and living it every moment that I’m here – from there, I can only see that the ‘tough days’ can be walked and breathed through, learning what we’ve done and why we have created this world as it currently is. Taking Self Responsibility for ourselves as individuals within the context of this world is key point here

Thank you – see you at Desteni.

http://www.desteni.co.za


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