Tag Archives: depression

389. Are Emotions Necessary to Be Creative?

Demystifying artistic endeavors and the experience during creative processes.

Continuing from:

 

Dejar de Sentir 04

For further context, an emotion is a usually negative experience that in my case I would use as a reason, starting point and ‘catalyst’ to create art. Now, one would believe that ‘negative experiences’ are usually undesirable, however in my case they became similar to how a person would want to hold on to happiness because of enjoying the experience of it. This is how I became a person that was more used to being within emotions rather than feelings – and the reason why being because I linked my experience as a response to me seeing the world around me and making ‘no sense of it,’ and as such having wanted to ‘escape’ it through my experience and my hobby, among other relationships and habits that were intertwined as a way to define ‘me’ as an emotional person that is too sensitive to the state of the world in which I would get to ‘feel good’ in such emotional states – therefore the context of this is to realize that an emotional experience even if it’s negative it is no different to being living through mostly feelings and ‘positive experiences’ as both are energy-based experiences that exist at a mind level.

 

Self Forgiveness on Emo-creations:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘expression’ based on artistic creation and thus limit the word expression to be immediately linked to ‘creating artworks’ or producing a formal piece of art mostly through drawing and painting wherein I would define expressing as experiencing an emotion or feeling within me and producing something while experiencing such feeling or emotion, sometimes of anger, sometimes of gloom and doom – most of the times – sometimes a yearning, hope, hopelessness and some other times just imagining what it would be to live in a perfect world, sadness – all of these I had defined as ‘my expression’ because at that time I had linked the ‘who I am’ entirely intertwined with emotions. This I now realize is not who I really am as those are emotions and feelings that I created a relationship with based on how I would experience myself within them, and thus how I accepted them as ‘who I am’ and eventually believing that ‘this is My expression’ which means an experience that is generated while creating an artwork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe at that time that my expression was ‘unique’ and that means that my constant ‘mood’ or ‘state of being’ as any of these emotions were my catalyst to express myself/to create – therefore that is how the moment that I stopped being hopeless, angry, sad or moody I stopped ‘expressing myself’ as in creating any artwork, just because of how much I had linked the two points in relation to my emotional experience. Therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my creative abilities and skills based on ‘how I would feel’ and as such determining and defining that I could only ‘express myself’ if I was feeling in a particular ‘mood’ and thus dooming myself to only ‘feel creative’ based on an emotional experience, without realizing that a creative process has nothing to do with an emotional experience as it is a physical act of arranging certain elements to create something physical, to develop certain skills and that has nothing to do with an emotion directing my hand or my use of materials to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the expression of ‘I’m feeling creative’ to an experience, an emotion such as sadness, hopelessness, anger or general state of doom and gloom that I would then get excited about in order to ‘let it all out’ in a painting or drawing or writing sometimes as well, which I see is all linked to how I would hear/read about other artists like painters or musicians or writers how they would feel a certain way when they would create at their best, and so believing within myself in a way that because I was stopping my emotional participation and feeling experiences, then I wasn’t going to be able to create ‘good stuff’ any longer – which is then limiting my creation to emotions and feelings and it shouldn’t be so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘want to turn back time’ in order to change my decisions in life, which is rather not possible and it indicates that I haven’t dealt with the fact that I chose something based on my emotional experience about it and as such I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to choose and make decisions in my life based on how I felt about it, based on my emotional experience and pursuing further emotional involvement in my life, without then knowing or even realizing how this was going to only lead me to continue being in a certain state of mind and ‘mood’ wherein I would have not been able to be stable as I am now since I had linked – back then – the creative process to emotions, a continued state of doom and gloom and be glorified by it – which is something that I saw was ‘special’ about people like Frida Kahlo for example who became a background influence and how I saw suffering as the key for her to make real art, as well as that whole blog I wrote about ‘You’ll need to suffer to make any real art’ as I realize that it’s about time that we as humanity move from linking emotions and feelings to creations that can become a supportive tool to realize ourselves, instead of glorifying emotions and feelings and keep us all trapped in the same mindset of being a ‘tormented sensitive individual in this evil world’ which is how I would see myself back then.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel creative’ when I was frustrated and angry for me not being ‘creating anything’ and as such the last time that I painted for a day or so, I was experiencing mostly emotions that I tried to once again ‘let out’ through the creative process which is rather like a mindfuck really because I realize that painting is a physical act of having materials that one use to arrange and imprint and mold and shape things in order to be arranged as a final product/ a final something that I create. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was incapable of creating anything ‘good’ without experiencing emotions such as sadness or being depressed and so linking my own stability to ‘not having anything to express’ or even ‘not being able to express now because I am not feeling that same way.’

I realize that it is about then dissociating any creative process from ‘how I feel’ or the ‘emotions’ I once believed I had to experience in order for me to ‘feel creative’ and realize that being creative is not a feeling, but a doing, a physical act of arranging certain matters and elements or images that I then use to create something that either generates a specific visual product or creative writing etc – anything that can be used to provide a message, to ‘say something’ through images or words or sounds or it all together. This is how then I see that my creative expression is linked to the media, the tools, the elements I can use to generate an expression, a message and that these are all conscious decisions and physical actions/moves to generate it and that I do not require an emotion to do it.

When and as I see myself believing that ‘I need to ‘feel creative’ as in being in a certain mood to create’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am limiting myself to experiencing emotions and not ‘any’ emotion but very specific ones in order to link it to ‘feeling creative’ which is not acceptable as I’ve already seen, realized and understood that ‘creating’ is a physical act, an intellectual process of picking elements and arranging them in order to produce a physical/digital product that I use to ‘express’ something, without this ‘expression’ meaning an emotion or a feeling only – but sometimes it is for the sheer aesthetics of it, sometimes in order to provide my own version of something I see in the world and this thus means stopping seeing ‘art’ as this emotional-creative process and creation as that is rather limiting once that I realize that I am here, I am a physical being and don’t really require emotions to exist and create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘something is missing’ while creating something and seeing it as ‘pointless’ because I had mostly defined the process of creation as ‘having to generate an experience within me’ and if this was not in place, then It was ‘useless’ – so this is obviously me as the mind speaking and defining what ‘gives it a kick’ as an experience, an emotion while creating something or afterward when seeing the ‘final product’ instead of realizing that anything we create is a physical thing and I do not require to ‘feel’ something while looking at it, while doing it or being creating something – as this would only be ‘feeding the mind’ that seeks an energetic experience out of it. So this implies that expression is just that, me extending myself to use what I have available to say something, to do something, to arrange something in a way that I decide it to be and with a particular purpose – and this is then only doing that, creating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the definition of something being ‘pointless’ as in not getting an experience out of it in relation to the process of creating something or the final product thereof, based on how I would deem myself as ‘having a point’ or ‘having a reason’ to create when early on I would have people observing ‘my creations’ and writing about it or leaving comments or even poems to which I defined that ‘It meant something, I had a point’ and so when all of this stopped essentially because I stopped wanting to feed this ego of mine, then because I knew I wasn’t going to get the ‘energy fix’ out of it, then it became ‘pointless’ without realizing that this is once again the polarity creation of me first getting an energetic-kick out of ‘my creations’ and then when I stopped generating this emotions and experiences around it, then I saw it as ‘pointless’ – it’s only the mind speaking.

When and as I see myself having the starting point of ‘creating something’ based on the expectations of feedback, comments or others ‘admiring it’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that anything I create is a process that I conduct out of my own volition, for my own support and to ‘straighten my ideas’ instead of expecting others to like it or praise it or comment on it, as this is already a conditional point to my expression based on ‘how others receive it’ which is usually how the ego that I formed in relation to ‘being an artist’ operates: doing things that would make me feel something while doing them, and also confirm such ‘specialness’ through the feedback I’d get from others. In this believing that without such ‘experience’ then it would be similar to rather doing nothing as ‘I would get nothing out of it’ lol, which is just ‘not getting and not participating’ in the ego-kick I had defined art to do ‘for me.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of ‘being creative’ to ‘being an artist’ and as such believing that ‘I am no longer creative because I am no longer emotional’ without realizing that this ‘linkage’ was created within the ‘who I was’ in the past and now I realize that being creative is simply having the ability to use what is here in order to ‘make’ something, to do something that can be supportive to convey a message, to be a supportive tool to illustrate something or sometimes just to make it for ‘the sake of it’ – however I understand that there is now the aspect of self-responsibility in everything that I create either at a mental or physical level and as such, I realize that doing something for the sake of ‘feeling’ something is not viable and not supportive – therefore I allow myself to see the word ‘creative’ or ‘being creative’ as what it means: doing something, making something from ‘scratch’ meaning using the elements that we have available in a particular order or arrangement to make something ‘new’ out of it – even if we cannot really create something ‘out of nothing’ as we always use what is here anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘because of Process I stopped creating’ when in fact it was me through my limited definition of ‘being creative only when I’m emotional’ that I then saw that it was ‘not possible’ for me to create while being ‘stopping participation in emotions and feelings’ and also because of linking ‘creating’ and ‘being an artist’ to already pursuing an experience of ‘being more than/ being special/ being unique/ having to build up this unique presentation of myself’ which are all stereotypes I’ve picked up throughout the years based on how I carefully planned myself, my ego/personality adding up bits and bits that would shape me into becoming the ‘special’ individual I wanted myself to be back then. Therefore when realizing the starting point of my decision to study art, to ‘be creative’ and to follow through with it all into a career, I stopped wanting to have anything to do with it based on my own self-dishonesty as the starting point to it. Hence the ‘hate’ experience toward it that emerged was based on me having to let go of that which I had first given a lot of value, time, effort to create – and so it was like having to deconstruct that which I had invested a lot of time, effort, money on and so believe that now that I have to deconstruct the ‘ego’ of myself that I’ve created as an artist, I cannot now dedicate myself to this as it would be dishonest’ without realizing that such statement is rather limiting as well, and nothing else but holding the same relationship of friction and conflict with it, instead of establishing an equality toward this profession and treat it like any other profession, instead of wanting to ‘scratch it out’ of my life almost – yet at the same time liking and enjoying even watching/looking at the stuff that I did before.

Therefore I realize that in order to align myself to this profession it is to precisely not look at it within the eyes and mind-frame of the ‘who I was’ as that is certainly not here as myself as the decision of who I want to be and become any longer, and it would be rather difficult for me to pretend to ‘feel’ the same way I used to – but this doesn’t mean that I don’t have now the ability to create/be creative and use any material, tool or media to do create something that can be useful to convey a message. I realize that most of my limitation to ‘create’ comes from re-enacting the overall cycle of regretting my decisions, regretting my choice of career and using this to stop me or preventing me from doing anything ‘creative’ or create something, which doesn’t make sense as it is only me in my mind preventing me from doing something based on the definitions I’ve charged to even the moment of preparing myself to pain or create something, believing that I should be ‘feeling’ in a certain mood, while I realize now that it doesn’t have to be that way at all now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind as the ‘who I was’ apply the usual extremism of ‘If I won’t get my emotional fix from it, then I want nothing to do with it’ which is kind of like a tantrum kind of experience or even self-spitefulness when realizing that I cannot continue ‘feeding’ my obsessions so to speak, and creating this ‘special aura’ around myself as ‘the artist’ or any emotional experience and as such, there’s also that layer of not being able to now use art to ‘generate these things for me, therefore I dump it’ and so going into the polarity aspect of denigrating it, seeing it as useless/pointless based on the definitions I had created about it. I realize that in doing this I do nothing but reactivate the grudge or regret or any other experience I had held toward ‘art’ or my career or anything related to ‘artists’ themselves, instead of seeing them and the profession in itself as a any other occupation in this world that one can use and become it in order to direct a new way to live it, to participate in society, to create and innovate ways in which change at an individual level can be conducted.

In this case I realize that de-mystifying the artistic-personality as a highly emotional individual is quite overrated and I realize that it was my ideas, beliefs and perceptions that shaped this definition within me and that an artist itself should not be other than a human being that can use creative processes at a physical and intellectual level in order to provide his/her own view of the world in order to convey a message, or express something that can be received by others as a way of communication.

I commit myself to be able to use any media, elements and skills that I realize can be used to generate a product or ‘something’ that I can use to convey a message, no different to writing and no different to being painting or drawing or creating images, as we can communicate in many ways as human beings, using different tools and methods to it – therefore I use what is here without defining it any longer within the constrains of  my old definition of art, but redefine art as a human creation that is conveying a message, is saying something and that’s it. It doesn’t have to me more or less than that which is equal to everything and everyone else that is here as life.

 

I commit myself to not link words like ‘expression’ or ‘creativity’ to only exist within the past-mindframe of ‘artistic expression’ but to identify them within the physical context that they imply which is me deciding to use certain elements and tools to make something, arrange something in order to give it a purpose, a meaning, and an intent within it.

 

I realize how these experiences stem from the relationship I formed toward art, meaning a relationship of separation wherein I would ‘get something out of it’ for my own mind-benefit and this is how when stopping that benefit – no different to stopping any other relationship with an individual – it is like the ‘shortage’ of experience makes me believe that it is ‘its fault’ or that I should now avoid and have to do nothing with the source of ‘temptation’ so to speak, without realizing that this is how we create our dramas as humans beings with these love-hate experiences based on how we would believe ourselves to ‘benefit’ from something, without understanding the actual relationship of separation formed in the first place.

So this is how through equalizing myself to myself, my ability to do/create/direct and make things is my own decision, my own ability and there’s nothing ‘more’ to it other than what it is as any other point that I create, arrange or direct as they are all also creative processes as well – no more and no less.

 

 

Trees are black

Suggest watching the following Desteni I Process Google Hangouts:

 

To learn more about the mind and how you can use your creative skills constructively to support yourself and others, visit:


372. Desteni Insider: Mind Control and Brainwashing

“The world is in reverse” is the premise to consider whenever the Desteni Material is approached and that is because you are going to face your own brainwashing to the utmost degree, up to the point wherein the ‘you’ that has been occupying the body that you are living in will be stripped down to the core to see what is of real substance and what has been only the byproduct of the endless indoctrination and conditioning within a world-system wherein fear conducts the way toward happiness, light, love, success and an elusive freedom. Reading the first words again “The world is in reverse” means that we haven’t even yet pondered why we seek all these ‘great and good things’ without realizing that such desired experiences indicate that we are by default existing in the exact opposite: sadness/depression, dullness, hate, failure and enslavement. The Orwellian state of the world is the premise one could use from popular culture to understand that such perversion of words is not limited to governments or any other corporate institution that seeks to make the most profit by selling the abuse of life with smiles and frequent client rewards, it has become the foundation of our very own vocabulary as the words that we claim we “live” without genuinely understanding what such verb in fact implies within a reality that is intricately designed to abuse and harm all life in order to continue supporting the schizophrenic concept of ‘living’ that we are enduring at the moment. Yes, it’s being endured without pondering why is life such a struggle, why do we have to strive to make a living, and the point that I will focus on within this blog is the righteous act of wanting to revolt and blame the system for how things have come to be due to our so-called education process where we learn the best ways to dissociate ourselves from the realization of who we are as part of a collective organism that will create reality according to the nature of the thoughts we have in mind. It’s clear that such separation has turned to be the mirror reality we try to avoid and recognize as our own reflection.

 

Continuing from:

What you are in your mind won't pravail - wake up

What you are in your mind won’t prevail, wake up! (2009)

 

It is interesting that the Desteni Material and all of us involved in applying the principles at Desteni have been called out for being a ‘thought reform group’ or ‘mind control cult’ and any other form of slander which, according to the necessary premise on how ‘the world is in reverse,’ it is actually a good thing since that means that we are genuinely breaking the status quo of what has been accepted as ‘healthy thinking and behavior’ because we certainly such thinking processes have led us ( k )nowhere but evolving the ways with which to abuse life and each other in the name of greed. What I have done throughout my participation within the Desteni group is to learn how to investigate all things and keep what’s best, which is placing everything we’ve ever known under the magnifying glass to see whether the education at home, in schools, in society, in our relationships, in the words that we speak genuinely stand as the tools words are to create a world that is best for all.

We shouldn’t even require to confirm that none of the ways in which we have ever lived have been supportive for all of us as human beings, otherwise the world would have already been a place that is genuinely best for all and our reality as our creation is an irrevocable proof of that. Some of the misinformation propagated by the Desteni antagonists claim that we ‘segregate’ ourselves from humanity, from our families and friends, from our reality by being submerged in an individual process where we forgive ourselves for accepting all the lies and deception that we were taught as ‘how things are’ and the relationships based on self interest that lead us to become the predictable patterns that keep the world as is– what a disgraceful behavior, isn’t it? To self forgive every single aspect of our separation from our living realization of how everything we have ever been has been a lie since it has never given birth to life.

 

 

If anything it should already be a matter of concern that we all know that the education system is not working, that parents don’t even know how to educate their children, that our authorities stand as examples of how to get to be the most ‘powerful and successful’ individuals by being the most corrupted version of ourselves as personality profiles that are accepted, allowed and endorsed in a world-system that is founded upon abuse – yet! If one begins to understand principles that consider Life in Equality, genuine Self-Respect, Honor, Integrity and the consideration of Life as the one and only real value that exists, one is called out for being ‘brainwashed’ or ‘mind controlled’ or attempting to introduce ‘communism’ which is just another word like the bell to Pavlov’s dogs to ‘instantly’ react to it and expecting security and a sense of comfort as the reward by defending the right to be ‘free to be a capitalist,’  without even understanding what the words they are reacting to in fact mean.

 

The main problem we have realized is to what extent words as equality, collectivism, dignity, respect, integrity and so on are as vacuous as can be, simply because there have been no living examples in humanity that stand as such  living words – Jesus was one of the few and then was turned into a religious effigy to obfuscate the genuine fact that he was a man that lived the physical common sense meaning of such words. As humanity we have become the example of what it is to intellectualize and even deify living examples of what it is to live in self-respect, to live self-forgiveness and the willingness to be in the service of life itself which doesn’t only entail human to human interaction, but toward every single particle of what is here as part of ourselves, as the life we have hijacked in the name of power and control and within doing so, mining our own home that we’ve been trashing for far too long now.

 

(2011)

 

When facing one’s own brainwashing one can distinctly realize that every single word we’ve been taught and consequently “lived” has been part of the necessary deceptive mechanisms to keep this flawed, corrupted and vile condition on Earth, a collective acceptance and allowance of distrust, lies, abuse and adopting any form of contract to settle ownerships upon reality for the sake of buying and selling, no matter how much harm such processes inflict upon life as long as one’s own survival is secured.

 

Brainwashing and Mind Control are terminals of the same function within which we have all accepted and allowed ourselves to live in this world basing ‘who we are’ on ideas, beliefs, perceptions, feelings, emotions, imaginations, future projections and an innumerable amount of memories that we go collecting and layering as ‘who we are’ throughout our lives with which we form our identity, the ‘self’ that we Think ourselves to be – is it, really?

 

This is the main point one face within and throughout the Desteni I Process, which is the necessary process to walk through when one realizes that all of this understanding needs to be applied at an individual level to see where we stand within it and how to practically lay out the solutions that we ourselves can write and cross reference with other people that are doing this same process with themselves, so that the development of Common Sense as the living application of acting, thinking and doing what is best for all is established as the foundation of the living self that we commit ourselves to be and become once that we realize that yes, we cannot trust the foundation of who we are as the ego that was bred to re-enact the same patterns of self-abuse, we must change it and this won’t come with a simple realization or a few positive thinking statements – not at all, because everything that we have become is in essence the accumulated history of humanity turned into the most convoluted forms to ensure survivalism, self interest and enhancing individual traits that have created the current alarming state of the world as is right now which is on the verge of self-destruction by our own thoughts and hands.

There is nothing more beneficial that can exist nowadays but to walk this process that consists of a fundamental self-investigation on and about everything that exists within and as all levels of our mind and reality to see who we really are within it all and how we can instead direct ourselves to integrate living patterns and habits that can be beneficial for ourselves and everyone equally; this is what I have realized is the only way to generate a living society in conjunction with the understanding and integration of the physical laws into the new equation necessary in this reality to  actually create a world that is best for all. Where is the point of abuse or ‘brainwashing’/ ‘mind control’ within this all? I would like to ask someone to explain to me because I see nothing else but the common sensical and honorable directions that if embraced by each individual on this world, we would have a New Earth without a problem – and this is where Self Responsibility comes in.

 DSC00343

(2003)

Throughout these 5 years walking with the Desteni group and practically applying/living the living principles promoted such as Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and the consideration at all times of that which is Best for All to implement within and without of myself, I have been able to break-through the main patterns in which I had kept myself complacent to the system, including the personality-traits in relation to ‘wanting to change the world’ without first understanding that such change must be first self-directed at an individual level. To me it was common to spot the ‘flaws’ within the world system or people’s behavior, but I always used to take the righteous stand of ‘I am right and you are all dead wrong’ – I had to go through a personal scrutiny to realize that I also had been brainwashed and had accepted such brainwashed stance as my own mind control of ‘who I am’ and ‘what I must be.’ Only throughout time I have been able to look back and see how within the particular path I had chosen in terms of my career on visual arts, my particular behavior and stance toward humanity – which was mostly that of superiority toward the ‘brainwashed’ and ‘sheeple’ in humanity – I was on my way to become the usual dissident within the world system, the kind of person that would be protesting on and on about how wrong things are while diving myself into the usual suffering-despair of how ‘No one is going to change, so let’s just live our lives the way that we want to, because we can’t change anything anyways’ and ultimately losing any ability to discern the potential of the capabilities I had but begun tampering with dreams of escapism, evasion of reality and enhancement of personality traits veering toward more ‘spiritual solutions’ rather than considering the physicality of the problem I was witnessing in this world, my world.

 

This particular personal stance of opposition, dissidence and antagonism went on to extremes wherein I was aiming at having nothing to do with the system, only focusing on pursuing my personal interests and becoming an individual that is well known for producing ‘nice pictures’ and get great money out of that – that’s all that I had reduced myself to in my belief that ‘we are doomed, there’s no way out of this system’ and within that using my own self-talk to justify such stance and position –hence the main topic of my art being mostly that of self destruction and emotional states that I thought were ‘the real me’ and it was, until I literally took off the blindfold when I got to Desteni.

 

DSC01838

(2007)

 

Amidst a general sense of despair, hopelessness and apathy toward politics or anything having to do with the structure of the system, I moved myself out of any attempt to ‘make it’ in the system within the false belief that I was going to be able to do things ‘my way’ and never again have anything to do with that which I came to despise: the world system, humanity, money, politics and social sciences, economics… It was truly a tantrum the one I was living in right before getting to Desteni, yet it seemed very normal to others in my reality within the acceptance and allowance of my self-proclaimed belief that I was ‘beyond’ that, and that my inner-truth was to express through something more ‘meaningful’ like art where I could be ‘in touch with my emotions.’ Yes, believe it or not, that was me and it can be read in a very palpable way in the very first years of my process wherein a single moment with myself alone still felt filled with  a mixture of anxiety, depression, sadness, despair, helplessness and hopelessness turned into a victimized state of how ‘the world is a shitty place and there’s nothing I can do about it.’

 

It has only been in the past 3 years that everything started becoming more clear in relation to how our particular personalities are the perfect locks wherein we get so entrenched in our beliefs and ideals that we neglect almost everything that does not ‘fit’ with our self-religion, where we can guarantee the maximum ability to ‘enjoy life’ and keep augmenting our egos to ensure a safe spot in the concrete jungle where survival of the fittest means having a successful living – well, in my case it meant: do whatever you can to not be in the system, forget about everything that is evil in the world and rather promote a form of benevolence that can make people feel better, at least for a moment. This also implies doing things that according to my point of view then meant ‘challenging the system’ like smoking weed and making statements wherein I considered that I was ‘challenging the powers/the system’ and inciting people to ‘explore the spiritual realm’ in a desperate move to simply ignore reality and seek for some ‘greater meaning out there.’ Little did I realize then that what I was in fact doing was giving up on myself, seeking for something ‘greater’ to just do the work for us and not have to take responsibility for the hideous reality that I could ‘not bear to live in any longer,’ without even knowing what the meaning of ‘living’ in fact is.

DSC01604

(2007)

The easiest way to brainwash people in a similar personality design to mine is to let them believe that they are in fact ‘doing something’ by ranting and raving about ‘the system,’ by calling out the thieves, by protesting, by yelling, screaming and pouting in front of banks/corporations and governmental offices, by creating riots that could ‘disturb’ any form of control that only evolves and escalates due to the ability of the human being to be led by emotional states that are becoming more and more unpredictable, of course leading to more destruction than any form of practical solution. We can see on our daily news how unreliable and unstable the human mind is no matter what position/character in society one plays in – you can be a priest, a world leader, a loving mother or a proficient athlete and kill their partner, children or commit any other form of atrocity when being taken over by their emotions and feelings – all  kinds of atrocities are justified by each one’s acceptances and allowances at a mind level, the mind that we have taken as the immovable premise of ‘our nature’ throughout human history. It is only now that I am able to realize to what extent the profiles of a dissident, a ‘free thinker’ and a ‘willful ignorant’ are just same brainwashed characters in which people are kept well-controlled by the power of their own rage against the machine, holding a similar faith to the most assiduous religious person that somehow we will ‘overcome the evil in this world,’  holding on to the hope that shouting and pouting will ‘bring the powers down’ and create some form of solution – even the so-called ‘alternative media’ are only new mechanisms that aid this control through utilizing ‘new’ ways to approach young people, calling out to revolt, to be angry, to go out to the streets, to ‘challenge the system’ by promoting the legalization of drugs and internet privacy within the belief that such propositions are the only bastions left to ‘regain the power’ and that’s precisely the problem that has happened throughout time: revolutions were never meant to establish living principles in this world, but only a call out to take over the power and turn the tables, keeping the world in exactly the same place – same inequality with new righteous hands in office. The age old saying of divide and conquer has not been fully realized, yet.

 

I have realized time and time again that there is nothing more important right now as an individual in this world other than focusing on actually taking responsibility for ourselves, however such words cause allergy to anyone that gets a kick out of ‘confronting’ the system in all of the ways explained throughout this blog. I can attest how it is only when realizing all my personality traits to evade reality and use this willful ignorance in an eloquent manner led me to mislead myself, my own choices in life, the people I had established relationships with and the evasion of reality that I defended and guarded as having a right to ‘do whatever I want in my life because I was hurting no one’ – this is the mind of the willful ignorant that is looking at the problems, that pretends to understand but when it comes to living a solution that can be of benefit to ourselves, to actually understand the responsibility we have in our hands to stand as an example of ‘the change we want to see in this world,’ all kinds of excuses and backdoors are open to just have a righteous statement to not change, to not challenge that which we have cultivated for so long which is our own ego, our own brainwashing and mind control. This is what I have come to irrevocably realize day by day whenever we approach solutions to the world system which we have through developing various means like the proposal of the Equal Money System which was an entire process that I will also walk and an essential aspect I decided to stand for and as by myself to precisely shed the anti-system skin I was busy turning into a hard veneer to justify my antagonism and antipathy toward ‘the system’ and humanity itself, which I later on understood was only a constant fight toward myself. This is one of the multiple realizations of the simple words you might hear many, many times throughout the Desteni Material: Oneness and Equality, where the Oneness points out the interdependence that we exist as toward each other as the coexistence in this same world and the Equality that is existent at the substance and physical level, yet perfectly concealed with all forms of separation that we have CULTivated in our minds in the form of egos, personalities, cultures, religions, political parties, the very words we use to justify any form of separation and abuse.

Sórdido

(2012)

 

One of the most prominent points I decided to take on within this process was to develop common sense to stand as a voice that proposes solutions, that investigates other solutions and point out why they are not genuine solutions within the ability to spot a point of deception that would in turn only re-create the same patterns of the past instead of genuinely creating a present with a solid realization of the solutions to implement in this world. So I’ve walked from the anti-system character to an individual that first walks this personal process of de-brainwashing through the dissident, the rebel, the antagonist to the system and instead walk a process of self responsibility to understand the problem, to see my direct participation within it and direct the problem toward directive solutions that we can all embody in the form of living principles. This is where I am now and it is certainly something never ever in my ‘wildest dreams’ did I envision myself doing, which is proposing solutions for this world system as it currently exists, placing political statements on a written and spoken manner suggesting ways to learn how to coexist as humanity since I had already agreed to ‘give up on humanity,’ which was really only ‘giving up on myself.’

This process is not yet done, every day, every minutest form of resistance, any movement toward the old patterns of sadness, despair and a giving up can emerge and that is where every moment I decide who and what I accept and allow myself to be. From this perspective the platform that we are developing as a group as Desteni is actually the perfect foundation to establish a solution at a global scale wherein the brainwashing, the problems in this world are understood and directed from within to establish clear directives without, as we learn how to understand the cause of the problem – ourselves, our own mind – and as such learn how to stand one and equal as the system to establish clear solutions without as the world system. This is the one process, the one ‘thing’ I have been the most consistent of within my life that was meant to veer from fad to fad seeking for more elaborate ways to justify my personal inaction to establish solutions – this time I have developed sufficient self-trust to place myself in a position where I can support myself and others to realize the points I’ve explained throughout this Witness blog as I can stand by the words explained here, having stopped participation in primary forms of personal reality evasions like alcohol or any form of drugs to stand sound and clear on a daily basis witnessing myself and this reality as one massive creation to turn into a genuine work of art, and that begins within myself, ourselves.

 

More to come…

 

Thanks for reading and walking with.

 

CaminandoelTripleProceso

Walking the Triple Process (2010)

 
The Revolutionary Character: From Activist, Anti-Politics and Anti System to Self Responsibility
The Elitist Character – Seeking Success and then Antagonizing the System

 

 DSC03310

Blogs and Vlogs on Brainwashing and Mind Control:

355. Activism and Mind Control |
2011 Activism Is Futile
2011 The Zeitgeist Movement: Resistance is Futile
98. Words as Mind Control |
183. Like and Dislike = Mind Control
2008- 21 days of no weed!
Communism stigmatized Equality
217. You Fear Communism? Why would That Be? |
Mind Control VictimsRead all about it! |
Occupy LOVE: New Activist Brainwashing
Occupy Wall Street’s Solution: Equal Money for ALL –
2011 Capitalism is Brainwash: Are YOU Brainwashed?
Earth Day? Please… Common Sense Required
You are what you Can Afford
2012 Money is MIND Control
2012 Gun Culture in America
2012 I Just Want to BE HAPPY – Equal Money? WHY Should I Care?
Sex, Drugs and…College? Hookup Culture
2010 I Use Alcohol on a Regular Basis

263. The Remedy to Stop Addictions

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

How to Develop Common Sense? Desteni Process Support

 

 

And don’t forget to watch The Century of the Self 


257. A Piece of Heaven at the Expense of Life

Why do people turn to drugs? There is a definitive reason that cause all the dimensions that play a role  in our current Drug Culture as either cause/effect,  but a common thing is definitely the root and cause of WHY people turn to drugs. We all know the usual things, for example: to escape from oneself, to hide, to run away from the mind, to stop the abhorrent self-experience, to avoid taking responsibility for one’s life and relationships, self-loathing, etc. – but, have we asked why do we have these problems? One can say: family problems, relationship problems, issues with one’s ‘flawed self,’ physical issues, lack of self esteem, heritage, cultural trends, traditions, religions, survivalism in clans/ mafias/ brotherhoods, spiritual beliefs, shamanism, environmental contingencies, availability of narcotics due to associations/ alliances, legal drugs due to psychological conditions, and the list may go on – However, behind all of this one must see one common thing: human conditions that have lead to all of these problems/ issues/ separations and sectarianism that stems from a basic problem in our society: a lack of support for all living beings to have a dignified living that creates a proper environmental condition where All beings would be able to live without having to worry about not making it through the next day, not having to tolerate the injustice and abuse that is accepted and allowed within a system that only caters for some– that’s it. 

 

And that’s what we know in common sense and what can also be watched in all the various documentaries* about drugs that are affecting our societies wherein there is simply an absolute boredom, menial jobs for the working class – or no job opportunities at all – and a general dissociation from wanting to have anything to do with a ‘shitty world/ shitty system that doesn’t give a fuck about life!’ hence turning to have an alternate reality where ‘everything is fine, a heaven in one’s mind for a moment, a harmful  momentary high that turns into a lethal habit that leads to a living condition that is mostly deplorable in most of the cases, as well as leading to any other ‘sudden deaths’ out of the usual ODs and other negligence  that stems from lacking any form of precaution when ingesting/ inhaling/injecting/smoking a drug. It is even common to have people that do this on a regular basis become ‘icons’ in our society, our ‘role models’ which can already point out what type of ‘human quality’ we’ve become fanatics of.

 

It is also interesting how drug-culture became mainstream to a point now wherein one can watch a “music video” and there’s people smoking weed, one can watch a movie and get all the specifics on how people shoot themselves heroin and even all the withdrawal processes in a explicit manner, like in Trainspotting which is probably one of the most popular and obliged reference about drugs for many people that even learned how to do drugs through watching the movie.  I will tell more about that in following posts.

 

The reason why this is an important topic is because drugs as any other form of escapism, represents the aspect we hold on to the most, as it is a self-created intricate relationship we form with only Experience as an Energetic physical experience induced by chemicals in the physical body – the reason why I find it so important to expose is because it’s ubiquitous nowadays for people to be aware of all types of drugs and ways to get high or even self-harm to get a moment of absolute adrenaline –rush/drug of the mind . That’s becoming a children’s game  and I’m referring to what I became aware of today as the salt and ice challenge – I mean, this is how kids age 10 or even less can get used to having a way to get this absolute pain and fear that are the most ‘powerful’ self-experiences created at a mind level when inducing pain along with the ‘challenge’ aspect – where kids will mostly broadcast themselves doing so to ‘prove’ to others they are able to ‘handle it,’ and what mostly happens is kids then will turn to seek for more ‘intense experiences’ like that. Even our words and vocabulary is pointing out blatantly what it is that we are inducing within ourselves: that was Intense! all energy based, and if you’ve been reading these series, you would be aware by now of how energy operates within the physical body through consciousness as a system that we believe is ‘who we really are,’ which is comprised of all our thoughts, emotions and feelings that we whole-heartedly have believed is ‘what living is for’ and if not.

 

This Grave mistake of identifying ourselves with all the drama, excitement and high-intensity of any self-experience is what is mostly leading us to an actual death wherein we disregard actual life/living just for a ‘little piece of heaven.’

And this is what’s leading humanity to a certain end if a single pattern of addiction continues without any definitive decision to STOP.

 

Please read the series to catch up to this point:

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

 

I had made a pause in these series due to the impending ‘doomsday’ that I decided to write about due to my inherent responsibility in having participated pretty much in that type of doom-mentality or gloomy-self-experience as we’ve called it – and what is left is pretty much ourselves, having to face what we have become and as such, take the wheel of our reality in all levels, in all ways and have a look at how we’ve become what we’ve become, which is also another form of escapism through the mind to evade the responsibility we all have here.

 

Drug Culture is quite a common topic virtually everywhere in the world, no matter if it’s a high-energy-hyped society like many places in Europe and America or a third world/ poor country in Africa, or under developed regions like South America – everyone’s got the same ‘epidemic’ which is drugs which includes alcoholism as main problems that maim  the ability for any being to realize and take self responsibility, because drugs imply one single point: a giving up experience that is now turned into an addiction, a need, a fascination and obsession wherein people are literally willing to give all their money, all their life just for one single initial ‘rush’ that any drug can give them. While observing this, it is impossible to not create a parallel to what we understand now of how the mind works, wherein we create our own fixations in order to fuel and satisfy this idea of ourselves that we’ve simply copied, absorbed and ‘become/ embodied’ without a question, and that includes addictive patterns of seeking this ‘greatness’ as an energetic experience that is able to be obtained with drugs, pretty much flushing your entire life down the toilette for a single self belief of you being ‘perfectly fine/ in control / able to quit any time and all of the people that have been severely enrolled in hardcore addictions mostly find it very hard if not impossible to actually live out that belief of being able to stop and quit at any time.

 

That is One single dimension of the addiction: the energetic experience that we are familiar with the moment we accept emotions and feelings as ‘who we are’ and what drugs do is an overall enhancement of this relationship within the ‘who we are’ as the mind, which implies that we are completely hooked on absolute self abuse, since any energetic experience  – as anything that requires energy – is not ‘for free,’ it is an actual process of consumption of the very physical tissue/ fabric that provides the necessary resources for any drug to function properly – this is why the deterioration of the physical takes place in drug addicts/ consumers – among other various dimensions that involve the living conditions that hard-core long-time addicts end up living in or are born in, which is also another aspect that leads to drugs – all in all: stems from lacking actual living support in all ways to live in a sound and healthy environment where life could be actually honored = hence it is a matter of Collective Responsibility, since we are all responsible for continuing fueling a system that is not providing a sound environment for us to develop our expression to our utmost potential.

 

The purpose of these blogs will be to point out main factors that lead to drug consumption, the reasons behind that and how to support oneself to Prevent drug-addictions, referencing the usual ways in which one picks up this belief of drugs being the ‘greatest thing ever’ as well as gathering enough strength to realize there IS a solution to this world, there IS a way to support ourselves to stop seeking to ESCape from reality and instead, sober up and stand up to support the actual change we all dreamed of, it’s in our hands, so we must clean our act before we can establish ourselves in the actual world we have all wanted to live in, and within this, also paving the way for the children to come and ensure they do have the absolute opportunities  to Live and express themselves, and never again resort to any form of escapism through the mind to manifest a self-abusive ‘heaven’ in the mind.

 

Erroneously – those that Profess to be ‘Souls’, will Claim that the Body of Flesh is a temporary Illusion. And they would base it on the Experience they Generate through Mind Systems, which Follows the Design of the System where: the Search for Meaning and Reason, would Follow through the Combination of Predesigned Platonic Solids as Key Parts to Systems that produce Energy and Visual Input which the Person Align with, So Intensely that they Believe that it is Real, and they Disregard the Simple Reality of a Breath and Food and Bodily Functions that Keeps them Alive.
In this, these ‘Souls’ End-up Acting like Vampires in the Physical Reality, Seeking to Consume everything in their Path for the Self-Interest of the ‘Feeling’ that Produce, according to them, the ‘Experience of Happiness’. The fact that this ‘Happiness’ is Produced at the Cost of the Suffering of Uncountable Living Beings – Simply is Ignored or Seen as ‘Collateral Damage’ of an Illusion that will ‘Suddenly, Magically’ Disappear.”  – Bernard Poolman +

 

Self Support to Begin your Journey to Life is Here:

 

Blogs:

 

Interviews:

 

Documentaries/ Videos suggested that present the context of what Drug Culture implies– Viewers discretion suggested: NSFW


229. Not Understanding the Mind leads to Insanity

Self-Addiction to Emotions and Feelings as ‘Who We Are’ = Self Interest

Elitist Character: Mental Disorders Hide us From Self Responsibility – Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

 

“the Mind/Energy will ‘fight’ for its Polarities, its relationships, its For/Against definitions, because in this process – it maintains friction/conflict, which is what fuel the existence of the Mind, which is what fuels the existence of this very World System, which fuels the attention-diversion/distraction of the Majority of Humanity to be preoccupied in Polarities, Polarity definitions, fuelling separation “divide and conquer” – while the Minority Elite take the reins of Humanity/life on earth – cause no-one is willing to give-up/let go of their Polarity, their Personality Definitions and actually UNDERSTAND ALL THINGS and align them into and as equal and one Solutions for ALL.” – Sunette Spies*

 

Self Forgiveness on who I shaped myself to be as my emotions and feelings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept the energy of friction and conflict as ‘who I am’ within my mind without realizing that it was a part of me that I believed I had a ‘right’ to exist as, because: it is coming from me, it must be me – and in this abdicate my very first awareness to the thoughts in my mind as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I am,’ and from that moment on, losing any perspective to question my thoughts and experiences coming up in the mind and felt in my physical body, but instead simply continued to believe that this inner experience of friction and conflict had a reason’ to be inside me and such, begin defining ‘who I am’ according to my mind, the nature of my thoughts, how I experienced myself as thoughts, emotions and feelings wherein my attention then centralized and focused on Me, My Mind, How I feel, beginning to neglect the rest of the beings and reality in itself just because of being focused on ‘who I am as the mind,’ missing out even the reality of myself as my own physical body within this mind-mode.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually use and fuel my own self conversations as a form of entertainment and re-assuring that ‘I am this mind,’ because the process of identifying myself ‘as my mind’ became solid as a child and as such, having this be confirmed by people around me when they started to identify me with a certain character like being ‘angry’ or ‘too aloof’ or ‘too conflictive’ or spoiled, which lead me to continue growing up believing that there was a ‘problem’ within me and that I was not normal/ not as other kids because of having this inner-conflict within me of any kind really,  that I could not ‘sort out’ but believe that ‘this is who I am/ I was born like this/ there is no solution’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this friction and conflict is something that defines me and that I would have to bear with the rest of my life, that there was no questions about it and that I would most likely end up like the adults, being able to ignite in extreme anger in one moment and not be able to stop, which indicates how I became aware of emotions as the aspect I resonated more with, which became a point of identification just because of what I had been exposed to in my reality as a child, which then defined ‘who I am’ according to these surges of anger  and distress that I would experience but was not able to solve within myself, therefore accepting these surges of energy as incontrollable/ unstoppable and ‘who I am,’ which is how I have come to accept the totality of the mind as myself without a question.

 

I realize that yes, the mind represents everything that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves from as ‘our nature’ as humanity which is not of harmony or completion or stability or benevolence, but, of actual evil as the reverse of life as all aspects of separation that we accepted and allowed ourselves to become. This is how I realize that I accepted conflict as a ‘problem’ within myself – just as any other human being – and that due to not knowing how others would also experience themselves, I created a point of specialness as in having some form of ‘anomaly’ for having these ups and down experiences which I identified as being actions that only ‘crazy people’ would have/ experience, eventually wearing the tag as a way to justify my inner conflict and even take proud of that because in one way or another, I was justifying my own personality as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ for having this ways of being which I actually fooled/ kid myself to believe I had no control of, when in fact as I review  such moments, I realize I absolutely was aware of what I was doing and how what I did was a deliberate point of causing and instigating conflict within myself as entertainment and others, because it just felt ‘good.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use friction and conflict within me as a point of self-infatuation and entertainment wherein I began only focusing on ‘How I felt’ in every moment wherein I was given the option to ‘feel good’ or ‘feel bad’ and define everything in my life according to likes and dislikes that became points/  aspects of self identification by people in my environment as ‘who I am,’ and within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because people were okay with having things that they like and dislike or specific characteristics/ moods/ preferences, I was able to then do the same and seek the most unique ways to exist in comparison to them, which is how everything that I perceived as ‘normal’ around me, became my standing point to define myself as everything that I would be ‘against’ to, without realizing that it was never ‘Me’ as a physical being living at all, but just existing as a mind that would lead to define oneself according to standing ‘against’ the majority, standing against/ opposing one’s “normal-environment,” only for the purpose to have a way to stand as a ‘different’ or ‘authentic’ personality defined in opposition to others, and in this only fueling and supporting the separation, the friction and conflict that ensued from that moment on in my life,  wherein

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this identification of who I am as the mind, I defined ‘who I am’ according to being ‘the opposite’ to what my family and peers at school represented, and as such, build  my own specialness and security within these definitions at a mind level, which only lead me to every time seek to upgrade my ‘personality’ and preferences, characteristics as a way to not only then antagonize my family or people at school, but the world system in itself in a spiteful mode that I took on toward everything and everyone, without realizing that everything that I spiting at all times was only myself when and while neglecting my very own physical body and the substance that I am as life, using it to power and fuel my  mindfucks, literally, which is unacceptable – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept this culture of ‘personality cultivation’ and creation based on defining me as a particular character with preferences and temperament as all the thoughts, beliefs, ideas and opinions I started creating as ‘my point of view’/ my way of being, without realizing that every single definition that I took on as myself became just another way to define myself As something that would invariably stand within one pole that would create friction/ conflict/ react to the opposite pole as another definition to which I would invariably react to, as I had to somehow ‘defend’ myself as My definition whenever the opposite would present itself in my reality.

I realize that I always had one moment before reacting wherein I would actually decide to ‘role play’ my part and react to that which I was supposed to react to based on my preferences, my personality and that which I defined would make me ‘angry’ or ‘mad’ or happy or sad or excited based on the preferences and personality that I began cultivating as a child as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘fill the character’ that I became by my own apparent ‘will’ to do so, and do, react, say and speak the way that I had built myself to be, do, act and speak like, within this complying to the social norm of becoming a character that is predictable and would react against/ oppose or like that which is defined as the oppostite polarity of myself. Within this also,

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘follow through’ with my own script throughout the years and continue fulfilling the reactive character every time that I was almost expected to ‘fulfill the character,’ which is how I realized that the personalities that I created were mostly  ‘a show’ for others, a way to stand in self-importance, specialness, uniqueness and in that learned to only focus on my self, fulfill myself, react when I was expect to do and never question again this as something that could be stopped, because, I had already ‘gotten married’ with the idea of myself/ gotten too much into character, which then became a Lie I had to follow through with and eventually it integrated fully as ‘who I am’ over the years and that was it. I believed that I could not ‘change me’ and stop participating in the character because of the fear of ‘who would I be without it,’ not realizing that the only thing that fears stopping self definitions is the mind, not who we really as as a physical body that is actually being abused and neglected throughout our developmental processes in the mind wherein we are only focused on cultivating our characters and self-experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the inner conflict experienced would always be with me and that I would grow up to be as angry/ neurotic as the adults I was aware of in the family, and that I would end up being somehow sick and with some form of mental problem or disorder as well as an emotional problem – such as chronic depression or constant worry and stress – without ever really having investigated how this all was just part of me having identified myself with my thoughts, feelings and emotions as ‘who I am’ as well as adopting the ‘ways of being’ from the characters around me in the family/ society, and as such, believing that I had something ‘wrong’ within me because the inner conflict would not go away – hence believing that I was invariably going to have a ‘disease/ sickness/ mental problem’ at a later stage in life – hence

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize to what extent there is ignorance in humanity with regards to the nature of how the mind works, wherein one single energetic experience was perceived as something utterly ‘wrong,’ or a malfunction, anomaly or disease because of how we’ve programmed ourselves to believe that what we see on TV or as the façade of each other as ‘harmonious,’ ‘happy’ and naturally joyful beings was in fact ‘real’ and had to be ‘who we are,’ without realizing it is a masquerade to hide the actual fear, stress, depression that is experienced within, as that is the nature we have all accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become as the mind, fueling this constant belief that we have to ‘keep up with the positive’ while all the time we experience this inner-conflict when participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions that veered toward the opposite and no matter how we categorize our experiences as positive or negative, they all represent a point of conflict which indicates energy which is of the mind and as such, able to be stopped and self corrected as a point of Self Responsibility.

 

I realize that this  ‘incongruence’ of my inner experience and the outer experience I was supposed to present, created a rift within myself believing that ‘there was something wrong with me,’ and this mostly being talked about in the media as mental disorders and being depressed or having low self esteem, being addicted to a form of self-abuse, belittlement and all of that which was considered as a mental problem/ a Grave problem, which I then kept quiet about and kept a well placed façade of ‘everything is fine, I am perfectly normal,’ even within my dissident/ antagonist characters, but ‘normal,’ and such, veering toward other ways to ‘make sense’ of my inner conflict, leading me nowhere but further confusion and relationships that supported this inner conflict, which became the focus on my life, trying to make sense of it through others, through living the lives of others and avoiding looking at my own, becoming friends with and having relationships that I thought I could use as a way to sort out my own inner conflict through others, instead of focusing on my own and within this, only aggravating the inner conflict that I kept for myself all the time, out of fear of actually having to ‘ask for help.’  Within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to label these energetic experiences as ‘mental disorders’ to that are in fact the ‘normal’ workings of the mind within how it  operates and understanding that for that matter, all human beings could be labeled as having some ‘mental disorder’ because The Mind in itself works through friction and conflict that we perceive as our emotions and feelings and thoughts, inner conversations, backchat – therefore there was not going to be in any way a ‘mental health’ or stability possible as long as we would seek only to make people ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ and get their ‘motivation’ back up, which is why and how I always resisted having any support because it seemed to phony to just veer to the positive and ‘be happy’ while the reality that I was witnessing, was nothing but happy for everyone, was nothing but harmonious wherein I would witness a world that was existing in constant fights and problems with money, politicians, poverty, wars and all of this only meaning to me one thing: this world is crazy and so am I, within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of ‘the state of the world’ as a way to justify my experience as being ad hoc to the state of the world – madness, instability, depressio, crisis – hence the entire characterization of ‘the sensitive being’ that reacts to what others apparently would not see, and in this becoming even more self absorbed in my own emotional experiences about the world, linking that to ‘art’ and ending up victimizing myself, believing that ‘there is no way out, it’s the devil’s way now’ which is how I see obviously even the music that I would hear would support this entire ‘depressed’ character not because I was not being supported to live – that’s why it is the elitist character, because I was not suffering a physical life of Lack of money/ health/ poverty or abuse – but I was only focusing on cultivating these emotions and ‘sensitivity’ to the world as a point of self interest, because of having learned how ‘artists were sensible beings’ and I actually made people accept me as ‘different’ due to this so-called ‘sensitivity’ and ‘specialness’ that I built in within myself, getting completely in this character that was probably even ‘allowed’ to be alone, isolated, depressed because of the same character of which I also expected to make a ‘name’ of myself for,  and justify my non-compliance to the system as well as defending my ‘point of view’ to not even attempt to create a change within the system itself – in essence: the ultimate justification to Not stand up for my life and the life of this world in equality.

 

All the time that I only cultivated my personality, my inner conflict, my dissatisfaction with life, my helplessness, my worry, my concern, my sadness toward the world, my depression, my confusion about people, my judgmental experiences of opposition toward ‘the world system,’ my desires to just ‘fly away’ and be out of the system, desires to expose the ‘ugly through something beautiful’ in some form of expression were again only actions, words cultivating a character within me, wherein I was not actually willing to investigate my self-experience, my mind and How I had created it, but only ‘get the most of it’ and making it into an acceptable character in society which is why I veered toward arts/ humanitarian studies and ‘dissed’ my apparent potential to become something else because of getting into this ‘sentimental character’ that was apparently my ‘humane’ aspect to cultivate as ‘my real personality’ – thus

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to cultivate my emotions  in order to be on the side of those that were ‘alive’ and could see the world and be sad about it and depressed and feel ‘misunderstood,’ which became really just another self-interest game where I would only remain as a victim, living in constant drama and this belief of there being something ‘wrong’ within me because of not being ‘happy’ and ‘joyful’ naturally – without realizing that:

I had never in fact understood how the mind functioned and how even if I was addicted to feeling sad, sorry for myself, depressed and victimized all the way, is still the same as fixating on everything that is positive, happy and joyful that I criticized extensively in the past, which proves the ignorance toward our own mind wherein we believe that we are somehow being more ‘responsible’ for being sad/ gloomy/ angry at the world when it is just another way to focus on our own experience and not really at all looking at the world and realizing that there are solutions required that will not be solved with us ‘feeling bad’ about it, that’s just blatant self-interest and an actual defense mechanism to not become a sound being that can stand in the face of reality and take absolute self responsibility for ourselves/ the world here as breath, which is what I have realized within this process: we cannot sustain this self-interested experiences of ups and downs and seeking happiness or being subsumed in depressions- which is the same thing – but actually stop participating in all forms of energetic experiences and focus on integrating ourselves to our physical body here as breath, that does Not require to have a particular ‘stance’ toward the world as an experiencing ourselves to do, be, say and act toward what’s best for all.

 

I commit myself to expose how our energetic fixations of the mind as desires, wants and needs – as well as rejections, denials, suppressions – represent the ‘who we are’ as the mind that functions through energy, which is who we have become as consciousness and within this, exposing how we have diminished ourselves in the physical to these limited characters that fight and define one against the other with no ability to actually create solutions, stand up for that which matters, because we are so busy trying to sort out our inner experiences, without even looking at the consequences that are ensuing from such self-experience as a drug of the mind. And so

 

I commit myself to stop any mind fixation within me either perceived as positive or negative and any participation in the self-definition of who I have been as a point of  preference or habit in order to finally be able to stand as  a sound stable physical being that can be effective to be self directive, self-motivated to establish solutions in this world and stop wallowing in any form of self experience as the result of seeing ‘the state of the world’ as that is only but a mechanism of defense to continue existing as a mind that ‘feels’ and ‘becomes emotional’ but establishes no solutions to the problems we’ve created, which is our responsibility at all times.

 

I commit myself to expose how our ‘mental instability’ is nothing ‘out of this world,’ but the mechanism of how the mind works and for this, realizing that reducing ourselves to have some form of ‘mental instability’ is the ultimate self-incapacitation in order to believe that we are not ‘strong enough’ or ‘good enough’ or ‘capable enough’ to stand up to create solutions in this world.

 

I realize that the moment we focus on our mind problems/ inner experience, we absolutely miss out the reality that is here and this is how it is imperative for all of us to get to a point of constancy and consistency as the stability that we are able to all live by here as Breath, as life in the physical, so that we no longer get distracted by our energy fixes of the mind as ‘problems’ and ‘instabilities’ that are self created just as another attention diversion aspect within our worlds.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is only possible for us people that have enough food to eat, a place to live and education to be focusing on this ‘inner experience’ due to having ‘more time’ to spend wondering in the mind instead of being physically working and participating in activities that are related to actually contributing to life on Earth. This is how depression and any other form of mental instability that can be identified as ‘mental disorder’ hence an apparent  “drug-required disease,” is just another way to make money for the pharmaceutical companies that use this ‘weakness’ within the human mind in a capitalist world to believe that emotions and feelings are a disease that can be controlled or healed with chemicals/drugs, instead of actually investigating one’s life to see how these ‘disorders’ were entirely self created, accepted and allowed and as such take responsibility for them, in order to not only correct oneself in one’s living and physical stability, but also to support establishing conditions in this world through education and the necessary changes in the entire system so that whichever system-deficiency is able to be identified as a problem that propitiates this mental problems, we create a solution for, which implies the implementation of the Equal Money System to ensure that people are no longer subject to a survival mode that feeds this inner conflict of the mind, but instead we are able to focus on re-establishing our living conditions to that which is optimal and supportive to be Living in this world as physical beings and no longer existing of/ as friction and conflict in the mind, feeding each other’s mind-realities and instead, support each other to ground ourselves as the physical, stop living as characters and work together to create a world that is based on life in equality.

 

– I will continue with looking at how these energetic experiences of the mind as emotions and feelings causing inner conflict, were reduced to being ‘mental disorders’ of the mind wherein we made an illness of something that is each individual’s point of self responsibility to correct, stop and align to the physical living wherein the focus must always be to stand as beings that support life in Equality with All – and within this, for once and for all, stop supporting each other’s inner-instabilities as ‘who we are’ and dare to call that a human crisis instead of a human problem caused by ourselves and resolved by ourselves individually.

Desteni Forum 

Desteni Lite ProcessFree Course of Self Support

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

Desteni 

Journey to Life Blogs

 

 

Emotions and Feelings are Self Interest – Stop the Self-Addiction

 

Educate Yourself about How your Mind Operates:

Blogs:

 

Interviews to Step out of the Mind and realize the opportunity and responsibility we hold toward ourselves/ each other to create a world that is livable for all:


225. Is Living Life about Getting High?

 

“So, if you Experience God – you can just as well go and take a Drug and you will have the Same Experience.” – Bernard Poolman*

 

How many times have we equated Life to Experience? Only all the time. It should be a frightening thought to realize that we’ve never lived and that everything that we had deemed as our ‘peak experiences’ have only been energetic – read Limited – experiences that define the totality of who we are for a few seconds, minutes, hours through perpetuating our day to day living as a life-long dedication to keep seeking the same ‘feeling’ which means being addicted our whole lives seeking that ‘something’ that we can call our ‘little peace of heaven’ – in our culture – read ‘collective indoctrination/ brainwashing – we have equated living life to getting the most experiences that we have deemed as positive such as happiness, love, peace, joy and money, which enables all of these experiences as the ability to buy them.

 

Elitist Character: Drug Culture – Introduction 

 

What I’ve realized throughout this process of self support through writing and understanding our human mind is that, no matter if you take what’s regularly known as ‘drugs’ or not: we are all addicts to Energy.

But what happens when you got the basics to live/ you got what you essentially NEED to have a proper life and you got some money to spare? Well, you certainly look for more and more ways to ‘fill in the void’ that is experienced every day, isn’t it? It’s as if the air we breathe, the body that keeps us living here is just ‘not enough’ and there’s this something that keeps tormenting us… is it really ‘the world’? is it really ‘’life’ that’s playing tricks on us? Not at all. It is the same with our current world system: Is the world/ life the problem in this world? Is it Us not being ‘good enough’? No, it is the money system that is the problem, and it’s not even ‘money’ in itself but the ways in which it has been set to work, this means: the Human Mind that has created the rules for it is the problem. Same goes for our lives – our body is perfectly functional by itself, it is only when we start THINKING instead of Living that all goes down the toilet down the pipelines of ‘shitty experiences’ such as emotions and temporary ‘positive thinking- fixes’ such as all of the above mentioned temporary ‘fillers’ to a life that I know, most are simply not ‘happy’ about, not that I would want to change your perspective on that either, however, we dug our own grave and we’re the only ones that can ensure we don’t actually remain there.

 

What  happens when you live in a society wherein the minutest displeasing experience such as sadness, depression, anxiety – which is Utterly misunderstood in this reality -  please listen to Mykey’s explanation on Anxiety – dread, fear or any regular lack of attention at work/school or just lack of  self motivation =  you can be sold a drug and ‘solve the problem’ apparently. Now, I would mostly discourage anyone from taking any form of drug, but I’m not here to put you out of your meds either. Just read and follow through the common sense and ‘hopefully’ you make a decision that is best for all, best for your pocket and gain some self respect with a sense of self responsibility.

 

Understand the following point: We live in a world wherein marketing is used to sell ‘ice to a Eskimo’ as it’s been said, however what happens when the ice is changed to drugs and the Eskimo is any regular person that may experience any ups-downs as a result of participating in the mind of thoughts, emotions and feelings?  Well, you got it. The person will buy drugs in order to solve what they believe is some from of ‘chemical imbalance’ – which is the usual drill propagated by well-paid psychiatrists to say the same over and over again and ending up hooking you up with Paxil, Xanax, Zoloft, Prozac or valium – among many others – oh and don’t forget your Tafil to sleep well.  The moment we Believe that there is an actual problem that can be cured with medicines, we are not only abdicating our responsibility to our mind and what we in fact created and participated in to create ‘our experience,’ but we’re also then choosing to begin supporting  an entire industry that is certainly willing to promote this type of symptoms to a position of ‘absolute illness,’ placing you in a ‘powerless’ position to do anything about it But taking this or that drug to solve it.

 

It is not a mystery that the majority of the population that have sufficient money to eat and live in a dignified manner, spends money on drugs to ‘feel better’ or regulate some form of ‘mental instability’ that has been entirely Self Created. But what is that ‘feel better’ been equated to? – Yes, the entire ‘Happiness’ Propaganda that’s part of this capitalist system – catch the drift? Is Happiness then an actual disease that should be promoted as the actual delirium that is causing people to believe there is something ‘wrong’ with them for not being ‘satisfied’ with their lives – yes, same as love.

 

 

We’re all fed up with buying, consuming, popping pills, rolling joints, seeking the next great thrill.

 

Have we stopped for a moment and look at all the people, beings, parts of our reality we’ve abused in order to satisfy our Wants, Needs and Desires? And that includes not only our external reality, but our own physical body, using and abusing its components as catalyzers to create energetic deliriums when being stimulated with external substances that are meant to fuel the mind only, they are Not in any way an actual indication of us Living Life. And looking outside of ourselves, you can look at all the violence and drug-trafficking problems that are related to drugs, which should Not exclude Alcohol of course. I mean the array of drug addictions can be extensive if we expand our level of awareness of that which alters our experience in the body and creating a form of addiction to it. There are gigantic industries being moved by this desire to ‘live life in peace’ through taking drugs – and for that I suggest you inform yourself with the documentaries:

 

Now, how come this form of  self abuse and self destruction became popular? It’s not about characters, people’s context or troubled lives – no, this is all about a ‘greater scheme’ that has always been invisible to us until today.  The more I understand how reality functions, the more I clarify and get proper in detail explanations about how our every single cell in the body functions, every atom, every thought, our entire mind, the different aspects each layer of the mind correspond to in our personal experience as the mind, understanding and getting to hear from animals themselves the actual IntelliSense they live as physical beings and how I can only laugh at our attempt as humanity to evolve, placing ourselves above a single blade of grass. I see that the first time I heard from Bernard that ‘a single blade of grass is more aware than the entire humanity as a whole’ I realized that we were truly blind.

 

 

Why is there all this emphasis on Needs, Wants and Desires everywhere in our reality? They are the key to keep us preoccupied in our minds, always in the NOW as Consciousness, as time bound to a past, future and a presence that is only here as a mind trying to ‘silence itself’ and ‘think positive,’ while the very desires of the so-called ‘rehabilitated presence’ have caused the most outrageous abuse on Earth, on each other – this is our responsibility, this is what we’ve all done to one another, this is the result of following our addictions – whatever they might be. As long as you’ve experienced a want, need and desire we can know one thing: we are not HERE breathing, we are only  keeping ourselves chained to the next fix like addicts we’ve become.

Is this life? No

Is this what our entire ‘effort’ is worthy of? No

Are we willing to face the truth of ourselves? Yes, as there is no other way to create solutions if the actual way of how the problems were created is not understood in the first place. For now I suggest investigating that which one can see is ‘living for’ on a day to day basis: are you here living as You for you to actually dedicate your life to become a human being that is worthy of living life through Becoming the living word as Life? or are you only here just ‘passing by’ and expecting to catch some ‘good ride’ so you can die with a full tummy and a mind gnawed with tons of ‘good times,’ even if your liver is destroyed by alcohol or your veins are rot with chemicals you pumped with pills on a daily basis –

 

Think about it: is popping a pill, rolling a joint, shooting up some coke, taking acids, or buying your regular drugs over the counter an actual Meaning of what it is to BE Alive and WELL? Why would anyone Require a Substance to LIVE other than the nutriments that are here as our food, the oxygen that we breathe, the water that we drink and the physical participation that proves that we are HERE. That is what the basics of living is about, now, our world is being run as a happiness machine that sells drugs – in legal and illegal ways – to keep humans busy with the delirium of ‘Happiness’ and that we have to be ‘happy’ all the fucking time. Is this real? No! It is just like selling ice to a Eskimo – it is selling you a well being that is Not an energetic experience but an actual equal and one self-realization of who you are As your physical body that Does Not require a stimulant/ drug to ‘be well.’

 

Drugs only work at a mind level – if the mind is a system that only works on energy resourced from your physical body/ substance/ life – then what does that indicate? Isn’t seeking happiness and joy and bliss then them same as saying ‘I require to get high to live’? – How could Anyone Claim to ‘Love Life’ if Life is being equated to love, happiness, joy, bliss or any other temporary mind-fix of energetic churning inside your body generated by a systematic set of rules in your mind that you’ve acquired from the media that you’re fed with from the moment you learn to sit up straight and get a TV in front of you.

Our great demise as humanity is living as Mind Systems instead of Physical beings of flesh and bones that care for each other as a one and equal organism. We’re living in the consequential outflow of an entire existential process of having existed as Energy-based beings instead of standing equal and one to life as who we really are.  This all may sound weird to you at first, but when you understand the following equation as our absolute mistake and misconception of equating life = experiencing positive/ negative energetic experiences, only looking after our Own Mind and our Own Benefit, disregarding the fact that such experience is only a mind-generated energetic fix and that in No Way contributes to an actual understanding of life-living, you can clearly see that we’ve fallen in the greatest trap of it all: equating life to energy, getting virtually addicted to energetic ‘positive experiences’ while the world falls apart where we simply continue shooting up the next happy pill, roll the next joint, pop in the next Prozac and pretend that everything is just fine.

 

There can be no more self interest lasting for long on Earth, we’ll have to work together anyways. I will continue to give a more personal experience on this process along with the tools of SELF Support to walk out of your beliefs of having to be ‘happy’ or else, you are Ill and Mentally Instable or having some form of ‘chemical imbalance of the neurotransmitters in the brain’  which is each psychiatrist’s punch line when you know next thing you’ll be handed a list of new ‘friends’ – read drugs – that will ‘help you out to cope with reality’ – never even bothering to warn you about it all being just another list of drugs that are sold in the street with non-marketing names. That’s what ‘finding god’ has been reduced to, there you go.

You decide whether you want to Live or Die.

I decided and also say the end of film cliché: Choose Life

 

— more to follow tomorrow

Support is Here:

 

 
Documentaries:
 
Blogs:


Interviews that Can’t Be Missed:
Vlog:

Blogs:


175. My Sacred Time of the Day

The Positive-Thought and Reactions that have chained me to see everything else as a ‘lesser time’ of the day.

When we have a negative thought, in our mind we immediately want to jump again to the ‘feel good’ experience as that is essentially when we consider that we feel ‘fine’ and ‘great’ and create this sense of ‘everything is alright.’

Today I’m going to walk the Positive Thoughts’ Reaction in relation to the procrastination character. These particular thoughts are in essence like one single picture-frame that I see in my mind whenever I am ‘thinking’ about getting this document done and after going through the negative thoughts of all the tediousness and apathy experienced toward simply ‘doing the task’ as the memories discussed yesterday, I create immediately the ‘positive experience’ as that which I talk myself into rather doing because it is simply something that I enjoy doing.

Now, what’s interesting within this is that I’ve made of walking outside my every day ‘moment to self’ however if I applied the same rigorous immovable decision to ‘go out for a walk’ in all aspects of my day to get to all my responsibilities, I am sure that I’d be definitely more effective.

So first – I’ll walk the positive experience linked to this thought, then see how I can practically create a schedule in order to consider that I can place the same ‘drive’ that I have to go outside and walk toward any other task that I require to get done.

This ‘drive’ won’t be based then in having a positive experience, nor a ‘positive attitude’ toward it, but a single process of moving myself physically to do it – just like what walking implies – an effortless activity wherein I am simply giving myself physical direction to move and go somewhere and back.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the positive thought of the view of the street that I walk through with a golden like light shining on the pavement, with some clouds half way covering the sun as this moment that I would rather ‘walk outside for to experience’ instead of working with the task that I have at hand, which came up as the thought of ‘I must get to work on this today’ and immediately participate in the previous two thoughts or any other point of fear and unpleasant reaction such as tediousness, apathy, fear and general avoidance to it, wherein I then switch into the positive thought of ‘walking outside’ as one excuse to simply ‘leave it for later’ in order to go out and experience the thought that I have created in order to tempt myself to go outside, wherein I feel more at ease and ‘good’ about myself due to all the physical experience that I enjoy participating in.

 

When and as I see myself creating the thought of the street that I walk through as a temptation to not do what I have to do in the moment, and leave it for later – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the mechanism in my mind that I have submitted to in order to always ‘give in’ to what I have made part of my routine and an ‘alright’/ enjoyable point that I have never questioned due to it being part of physical activity and movement during my day, yet when it becomes a point of self manipulation it is clear that I must stop and realize that I cannot follow the ‘positive experience’ and drop/ leave the responsibilities aside, as I have made a habit of making it ‘alright’ to go for a walk and do what I enjoy doing regardless of any other point that requires immediate direction.

 

I see and realize that I have made of this point of walking a religious-point that I have made immovable in my every day routine, which indicates that because it is a positive experience of feeling ‘free’ as in moving and not doing something in particular, I have made it ‘my time of the day’ which I have respected as such during my every day living. Thus I realize that if I implement the same to get other points done in my reality, and making my responsibilities also an immovable and unbreakable point of my routine, then I can get to still have that time for me to go out for a walk and have the certainty of having worked with that which I must work with myself no matter what.Therefore,

I commit myself to implement the time throughout the day to get this writing done as an every day point that I get into for at least 2 hours of my day, which implies that I have to choose a moment every day according to my already existent schedule to get to this point and do it no matter what, to equalize the same drive that I have for going out for a walk, into this point wherein I make no excuses or justifications as to why I could not get to it today. This implies that within the rest of the activities that I had for the day, I can go also assessing which ones I can move around/ set proper times to do them instead of doing a little bit of all at once without really dedicating proper time to each task, as I see and realize that this can also be a supportive point to go into as I walk this alignment of myself to that which is priority in my reality to get done.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive thought as the image of the streets that I walk through with even the sensation of the slightly cold breeze with the sun coming down and several clouds as the enticing and temptation point that I ‘give into’ because of believing that this is something that ‘I’d rather do instead of remaining at home during sunset time,’which I have linked to a sense of depression and isolation and a feeling of seclusion, due to having created the habit for many years now to be outside walking during sunset time regardless of any excuse – unless it is raining/pouring heavily outside – and within this, create a positive experience of my day that leads to this one moment of going outside for a walk and even plan my day in such a way that I ensure I have time to go out for this walk.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I implemented this point of walking at that particular time of the day ‘back in the day’ wherein I would be experiencing myself as ‘isolated’ at home and making of this time of the day my religious moment to ‘be free’ and create an entire positive experience of the sightings and the weather, the pictures I’d see as my ‘high’ moment of the day, wherein this became a habit to simply not be inside my house when the shift from daylight to nighttime goes on, as I have created this sensation of sadness and dread to being at home and seeing the daylight go and night coming in, which then reveals how this positive experience exists as the opposite to this sensation of depression that I would go into at the time when I would not go out of my house at all –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get the memory at the moment of me being reading in my ‘old house’ when I was a young teenager and being immersed in the reading and looking up outside the window and seeing that there was still some daylight – then the next moment after a while looking up and realizing that it is already night time, wherein I would create this sensation of ‘having missed the sunset/ having squandered another day’ which created this negative experience of depression and dullness and dissatisfaction within me, due to realizing that I had seen ‘another day gone by and not doing something in particular but reading,’ which I knew was a distraction from actually going outside and interacting with reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then use walking as that positive experience that I created in my mind as a ‘personal improvement’ aspect which means that I have tainted the walking point with a positive experience from that time when I used to not go out for a walk/ remain at home and link that to a ‘dull time/ bad time/ depressive time’ of my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program this point of ‘going out for a walk’ as a remedy to me ‘hitting the low’ as a depressive or dull moment in my day wherein the cheering up moment comes up as ‘going out for a walk’ as the ‘always effective method’ to get myself into a ‘high’ and positive experience even if it is as slight as having this impetus and driving force in a positive manner to go outside, which indicates that I have in fact used this point of ‘going out for a walk’ as a way to ‘escape from myself’ and the responsibilities that are usually existent ‘at home’/ in my room. Thus I realize how I have used the excuse of MY MOMENT of the day as this immovable/ sacred moment that I cannot put down for something else/ to do something else such as writing my document, which actually happened –thus the memory.

 

I forgive myself that I have linked the experience of being inside the classroom during the afternoon/ evening and seeing outside the window how the sun would be going down and wishing and hoping that I was ‘free’ to be able to go out for a walk, creating a positive experience toward the sole ability of going out for a walk during sunset – within this (okay this is seriously shocking the marlen programming here) I breathe  – lol –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link being in school or reading or writing or doing anything else BUT being outside walking during sunset as a negative experience within my day, which is how and why I have used this image as a positively charged thought in my mind that I have used to manipulate myself to ‘get out no matter what’ in order to not experience the negative as the dullness/ depression/ tediousness/ apathy that is linked to me being at home ‘secluded’ in my room, being at school attending class instead of being outside and being with the horses at the stables – which is ‘outside’ yet not walking/ doing what I want in that moment and use these points as an excuse to define al of those activities as a negative point that I do not want to do based on my self interest as the positive experience of ‘going out for a walk to make my day.’

Therefore, when and as I see myself getting this anxiety when seeing the sun coming down already and not being outside already in my daily walk – I stop and I breathe – I realize that what is driving me to hurry is that ‘negative experience’ that I have gotten from that memory wherein I would remain at home during ‘sunset time’ and be depressed just by seeing another day go by without doing ‘anything’ but reading/ being at school during class time and only being sitting close to the window or simply looking outside with ‘wonder’ as to manipulate myself to make of that moment something dull/ bad/ negative based on my desire to be outside/ being with the horses and supporting them before night time and not being outside walking, but being outside supporting another being during sunset time -  and as such, I realize that I have imprinted within me my own beliefs of what is positive and negative onto activities/ actions/ moments in my life based on different contexts and situations that cannot in any way continue defining ‘who I am’ within reading, who I am within attending class, who I am within supporting another being, who I am within walking, who I am within the particular time of the day – specifically sunset’ – which I have charged as this almost ‘sacred’ time of the day that I Must experience while walking, and whenever I was not able to fulfill this point of being outside walking throughout this time, I would also get frustrated or irritated for not doing what ‘I like doing’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of working with horses at the farm during sunset, wherein I would take much earlier than sunset since horses come into the stables at sunset, and as such have the experience of ‘missing out on life’/ missing out ‘my moment’ wherein I would simply be walking outside during sunset instead of taking care of another, which is also what I see factored into my entire experience of working with horses as a point that would ‘take my time’ as a ‘personal time’ that I had created as something untouchable and immovable such as going outside for a walk during sunset.

I see and realize that even the thought of not being able to do this once I am at the farm, has factored into ‘not wanting to leave my religious walk’ of the day and as such, how I have mind—controlled myself into this single limited perspective of my experience within walking wherein I am essentially revolving around this moment of the day, to get to this moment of the day, making it my ‘ultimate experience’ instead of actually seeing walking as that moment that yes, I can listen to interviews and ‘get out in the world,’ however not to make it an entire experience that is ‘positive’ in nature and that overrides any other point of responsibility within me, as I see and realize that this is the ‘problem’ that we create within ourselves every time that we only want to do that which we have programmed as a positive experience in order to avoid the negative experience linked to it.

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘missing out on life’ because of being working with horses instead of being ‘outside walking by myself’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that such thoughts are what creates also a negative experience toward working with horses in that particular time of the day, based on the positive experience that I have imprinted throughout time to ‘my time’ as being alone, walking during sunset time as this precious time that I don’t even want to share with another  – as I have been so inflexible and rigid with my own self-religion when it comes to doing things the way that I am used-to/ ‘want them to be done’ which are all aspects that only sustain this rigid and immovable and closed-minded version of myself, wherein I see and realize that it takes a physical ‘effort’ to do something different within this walk in itself, like going out for a walk with another and being listening to another while walking instead of being all by myself, or spending longer time indoors when getting to a particular place during my walk, wherein the moment that I go out and the sun is down I believe that I have ‘missed the entire gist of my walk’ because I was not able to fully ‘presence’ the sun going down, lol, which is really ludicrous now that I write it out and funny, but that is essentially how I have been my own ‘clockwise’ in relation to my day, my doing, my ‘climatic moment of the day’ as being outside going for a walk and not wanting to miss ‘that’ moment of the sun going down.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see me spending more time within a particular task in the computer and see that it is already ‘being late’ to go out for a walk, I look up at the sky and if it’s already going ‘darker’ than usual, I create this experience of anxiety to move right away and cut/ stop whatever I’m doing, and rushing to putting my boots on and going out for a walk, simply because of not wanting to miss this particular moment of the day outside. Within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dominated and controlled by a single experience that I have considered is a positive experience within my day such as ‘being outside walking during sunset’ without realizing to what extent I have made this a ‘cannot miss’ point wherein I manipulate myself, my doings, my tasks and even others so that I can always ensure I have this time for myself in order to have the day ‘complete’ and experience  ‘satisfaction’ from it as a positive experience – and the other way around, creating a negative experience wherein for whatever reason I cannot be outside going for a walk during sunset, wherein a slight irritation and dissatisfaction emerges, due to believing that I have missed out on life today.

I realize that Life is not defined by a positive experience, nor defined by the pictures I see of a sun going down and setting my reality into ‘night time,’ nor is it this special moment that I must experience always being walking outside, alone, with earphones on and creating this whole ‘my time’ experience as I see and realize that within having created this point as ‘THE moment of my day’ everything else then comes in a ‘second place’ wherein my drive to do it is partially based also on ‘getting to the moment of going out for a walk’ instead of equalizing such impetus/ driving force as a physical breathing in every moment point that I commit myself to live in a stable and consistent manner.

When and as I see myself believing that being doing something else that is not walking outside during sunset time, is a reason for me to believe that I am ‘missing out on life’ and that ‘I have ‘just missed My Time of the day’ wherein an entire experience of dissatisfaction and even slight irritation comes up – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have created and made of this walking time an ‘immovable’ aspect within my life in separation of the rest of my daily tasks and activities and simple ‘being here’  that also require an equal commitment to get them done and to equalize myself as breath no matter where I am, with whom, with whatever I am doing – therefore

I commit myself to equalize this impetus/ driving force that I have created and lived-out in relation to ‘going out for a walk’ toward all activities during my day wherein this driving force is no longer linked to a positive experience of ‘enjoying the movement’ and the view of the world while walking while avoiding re-creating the dullness/ sadness/ depression that I would go into in the memory of myself remaining ‘at home’ through sunset time -  and instead direct myself to physically move to get all points done within my day wherein I can still go out for a walk without making it a ‘moreness’ moment within my day, wherein I have made everything else of the day as the ‘downfall’ compared to such momentum that I get from the moment I decide to go out for a walk, up to the moment when I come back and it’s already dark and within this, having the background thought of ‘I’ve made my day’ because of having had this positive experience fulfilled within me, which indicates that I have not equalized my daily routine to be an equal and one self-movement, but still held this particular time of the day as ‘more’ and ‘positive experience’ within me, which is unacceptable as then in my mind, I have created of the seemingly ‘tedious’ tasks which require my focus and attention as negative experiences when compared to my self-created positive experience of going out for a walk.

What I have realized within this is that it is absolutely necessary to go in depth to that which we have charged as the positive experience as this entire made-up positive experience overrides common sense and self direction to in fact direct ourselves to do that which we have deemed as ‘negative’ in our world and reality – it is all based on How we have imprinted such moments in our reality – thus we have the ability to re-define such moments as an equal impetus/ driving force at a physical level that we are able to exist as simply being breathing and equalizing our activities to breathing instead of ‘thinking’ and going into experiences upon thinking about reality and our actions.

Furthermore I can see how I have made of my ‘positive experience’ something that would seem quite ‘usual’ or ‘normal’ for any other person, however due to how I have specifically ‘conjured up’ this every day action within my day, it is definitely not something that I hold as ‘normal’ within my day, but have made it ‘more’ than any other moment of my day – thus I commit myself to stop holding any ‘moreness’ value to sunset time, to walking and to within this realize that I cannot accept and allow myself to be motivated by pictures and and a positive experience to move as all that I require to move is here as my physical body, breath and my will and decision to do what is required to be done and within this actually Live the entire day instead of ‘being living for’ only a particular moment within my day.

More to come

 

Desteni I Process

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System

 

 

 

 

Blogs:

Great must listen interviews:

73. Creative Spirit: I Just want to Paint!

 

In the previous blog My Career Choice (Day 72) I described the moment that I shifted from one career to another. Here I am walking that initial moment in my life – 2003– wherein after school ended I had this desire to paint as an occupation for that summer. From the beginning of this idea my plan was: going to buy the cheapest watercolors and using recycled (used) paper to begin with my ‘little explorations’ – I had this idea of art being something expensive and that I could Not possibly afford to ‘spoil’ and ‘squander’ money in. I was a rather solitary and isolated person at that time, I had no friends to ‘hang out with’ and my resort was reading, hearing music, learning how to play the guitar and this additional point of drawing and beginning to paint, which eventually turned into a ‘safe haven’ for me to justify my desire to just be ‘left alone’ and indulge into my own little world in my room with ‘everything that I liked doing’ existed.  This became the context of me taking this ‘little experiment with painting’ into an actual ‘serious’ decision of what I want to do with my life.

 

Within this, I’ve realized how we make decisions based on ‘what we like’ and what we ‘prefer doing’ which we can already see implies there are various reasons, excuses and justifications as to why we ‘prefer’ something over other things, which usually entails by default points that we rather Never do or avoid doing at all  – and the nitty gritty details of this will be disclosed as Self-Forgiveness

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way that I could entertain myself and have fun was through doing something that I had deemed as a ‘superior recreational activity,’ which was painting back in 2003 as a way to be able to retreat myself into ‘learning how to paint’ by my own, as if it was a ‘naturally instigated desire’ without realizing that I had in fact talked myself into it from simple admiration of paintings and artists themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go and buy the cheapest watercolors in the store and use recycled paper to start painting, because of believing that I would most likely create shitty works and I would not be able to afford spending ‘quality material’ on me, which is part of the self-limitation pattern of not giving to myself the best that I am able to give to me because of money being a limitation as a constant lock in my head to not spend money on me, but rather always save it as a means of self-security and protection for any ‘eventuality’ in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only use recycled papers in using the blank side of photocopied books for school to pain, just because of feeling too guilty about the trees that are consumed to create paper, without realizing that it is part of the same belief-system of me as the ‘ecofriendly’ person in self-interest, without actually investigating how everything that I do and consume has an effect on a global level that could be changed if money was not in the way of establishing the best possible ways to produce materials for art and any other living-aspect in our reality

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling guilty when spending money on myself, because of defining this as ‘greedy’ without realizing it is actually self-manipulation wherein I would not allow myself to buy myself things within the idea that I was ‘not yet worth it’ – within this expecting me to someday be ‘pro’ in art and then be able to spend money on myself, but not yet – which is absolutely self-manipulation that became a constant in all aspects in my life when it comes to spending money on myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the materials that I used to start painting with the worth of ‘my painting skills’ themselves as being incipient and immature wherein I could simply ‘not afford’ to pay for a lot of money for me to start painting something that I could not deem as ‘worthy yet’ – within this valuing my expression according to the idea of people only earning market-value in the realm of arts after they are ‘well experienced’ in the field, wherein I diminished my initial paintings to being just ‘attempts of creations’ when comparing my expression to other artists and believing that I was not ‘good enough’ yet to make my work worthy of quality materials, which is linked to how money has defined the hierarchical values within everything that we do and how we accept such hierarchy according to skills and judgment of expression as being worth/ unworthy of spending money on something to support our expression.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only spend money on my works once that I would be a professional on the field – which is how I justified me using the lowest quality materials to create within the belief that I was not yet ‘worthy’ of quality materials, equating quality/ expensive materials to me only being able to get those when I would get to be in fact ‘worthy’ of them, in this diminishing my incipient expression as less than and fuckups and just ‘messing around’ with painting, without realizing that this very starting point became a constant wherein I could see my works as never ‘worthy’ of any form of market value or quality and justifying it with saying that my work was not meant to be ‘of quality’ but rather focusing on the message I wanted to portray.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to extend this quality of messiness and lack of dedication to the presentation of the work itself, because of using money as an excuse that I could and would only be delicate, specific and careful with my work once that I could afford the quality materials to do so, and that in the meantime everything that I created with recycled paper and cheap watercolors was only ‘fucking around,’ which became the actual experience that remained within me and art-creation, a fucking around with no self-direction in consideration of what it would take to really perfect myself and support myself to do and present things in the best possible way that I realized I could, but it would take actual dedication and effort to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only afford getting myself ‘quality stuff’ when being a professional, which is part of the self-belief of ‘not being worthy enough yet’ to give myself the best that I can and am able to afford to support myself and skills, which is a tendency of belittling myself according to ‘not being worthy of’ getting and receiving something that I have placed as ‘more valuable’ than myself itself, which is money and the social connotation that money has within the art world, wherein only ‘quality works’ are able to be sold for great amounts of money –therefore seeing myself always ‘on the way there’ but never taking a directive decision to make things the best possible way in a dedicated, careful, precise and clean manner, but would rather be messy and careless about presentation due to using money as an excuse and ‘not wanting to fit in’ within the realms of ‘fame and fortune’ while secretly desiring to be part of it as well, yet remaining righteous about my messiness and careless presentation as a reflection of me ‘not having enough money’ to do so, which is absolute self-manipulation and self-victimization in artwork itself to determine ‘who I am’ as a limited expression due-to and because of money. 

 

My Very first watercolor after I got from the shop 2003

My very first ‘watercolor’ after I got very excited from the shop with those watercolors  (2003)

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything that I ever really wanted to do for the rest of my life was paint, listen to music/write album reviews, read, write stories and be locked in my house with no one bothering me at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could write, paint, hear music, read for the rest of my life, living alone and ‘following my dreams’ wherein I could be deemed as this ‘talented person’ and ‘a true artist’ that could not afford any other distraction but always remaining creating/ being creative and expressing her tortured soul lol, which is how I came to justify my desires to escape of this world through linking escapism to ‘being creative’ and building my self-belief as ‘an artists’ as a way to actually retreat from the world and isolate myself from the rest of the world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into the belief that painting, drawing, listening to music, being secluded in my room reading and writing was all that I really wanted to do for the rest of my life, in order to justify my actual desire to not have to face the world that I had deemed as a ‘cookie monster’ that was too cruel and harsh for my ‘sensitive nature’ which I used as an excuse and validation to believe that: what I was meant to be and do was ‘art’ and that this is ALL that I can ever be, which implied a lot of self-talk into believing that I had this special features and ideas and visualizations that were revealing to me that ‘this was it’ for me, that I had to be and become an artist in either writing, painting or playing music.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to become an artist was based on the people I would see on TV as musicians that were having ‘a ball’ in their lives, playing music and being ‘creative,’ while earning a lot of money which is how I linked the idea of myself becoming an artist, earning a lot of money, becoming famous and having ‘a ball’ in my life with me being an eccentric creative person as a self-definition that I built for myself and as myself through following my thoughts and talking myself into believing that I had a message to bring and that I was really talented to create and ‘make art’ as a professional career.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had so much to say and speak and do that was not able to be portrayed with words, that I used images as a way to express myself – and within this giving it this ‘specialness aura’ wherein I believed for a time that words were not ‘good enough’ to satisfy my ‘inner visions’ and desire to express, which was just another way of wanting to be special and unique and original and misunderstood, which is also part of me not wanting to be ‘like the rest of the people,’ but have something ‘outstanding’ and ‘special’ according to how I had defined myself throughout my life to be an outsider, to be not like everyone else, to be special, to see things ‘differently’ and within this fitting my entire self-definition as ‘being an artist’ because all the definitions fit with the usual artistic profiles that I would read of ‘famous people,’ and saying ‘Yes! this is what I am!’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘the world overwhelmed me’ and in this thinking and believing myself to be this sensitive person that could only portray what I would see reality like through painting, which is and was a major mind-wash lol that I used in order to build and build and build the idea of myself as ‘an artist’ as a way to ensure that I become this ‘profile’ so much that it becomes inevitable for others to comply to my decision and support my self-definition of me being a creative person and having to become an ‘artist’ for life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use music, writing, reading, playing music as way to reinforce my idea of ‘no one understands me’ / ‘I am just too much of a sensitive being for this world’/ somebody help me! Wherein all of these activities would be accompanied with depressive states, gloomy visions about human nature and our reality, which is when I started writing in a way to feed my personalities and backchat to believe that the future would hold ‘better days’ for me, allowing me to wallow in y own self-created experience in order to have something to paint, write or ‘transmit’ through music – all of it was self-talk transformed into images to support the same self-talk.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be writing about myself back then (2003) as a way to future project a moment in time when such writings would become part of my biography as being this talented artist that had such ‘profound visions and perspectives on the world,’ which means that my writing became a way to reinforce my own mindfuck and self-definition of being a ‘special being’ with ‘special visions’ upon life as a way to validate my desire to be a ‘genuine artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘no one understands me!’ which is one of the reasons why I secluded and isolated myself from the rest of the world and entertained myself with me only painting, writing, reading, hearing and playing music for the sake of reinforcing this idealized version of the ‘hermit artist’ that requires to be silent and in a specific ‘mood’ in order to create, which is how I came to validate myself as being a sensitive being that would get into these ‘states of being’ to create.

 

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to see how I would actually talk myself and write myself into depression and experiences in order to later on just stop writing and start painting wherein everything that I had programmed within myself as this ‘gloomy’ perspective on my life and the world would be translated into a picture that I could then define as ‘expression’ and ‘art’ and make myself feel good about my own ‘depressive states’ that I deemed were the most ‘genuine’ ones, without seeing how I simply programmed myself to do so and there was never something special about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold Ok computer as a revelation to myself and my work wherein I believed that painting about the system and capitalism was ‘my thing’ and my message to the world, from the starting point of self-victimization and within holding these ideas of specialness of myself as ‘an artist in the making,’ which is precisely how I created myself as a particular personality, believing that it was just coming out of ‘myself,’ but it wasn’t, it was just me picking to be and become the dreams that I fueled from a very young age of wanting to be an artist and performing, dancing, playing music or painting as a professional career, which all came from what I would see in the media and what I would be fed by my parents as music and people performing as something to idolize and look up to.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mission in life was to paint and give a message to the world through my art, which became like an epiphany at that time and thinking that I had to do everything that I could in order to justify this ‘epiphany’ of being and becoming an artist so that I could eventually pick an artistic career, without actually admitting myself to see that this was due to the extensive judgment that I created toward the system according to what I would read, watch and hear as entertainment itself, which were mostly books, lyrics, people’s perspectives on how fucked the world is and how art is the perfect way to ‘escape from reality,’ which is what I embraced as my religion: escaping from reality through being creative.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that each painting held a mystery to me, and that my mission in life was to become a prophet-like person with my paintings, which was a reverend mindfuck that I fueled with and through my own perceptions and beliefs about myself and the world as being this ‘sensitive being’ that was being revealed ‘messages’ through paintings – all quite a substantial aspect of my self-religion as a creative, misunderstood person with a gift to present messages through images – all my own mindfuck.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start painting after a while holding the expectation of ‘what will people say about my paintings?’ and within this, starting to shape and mold my expression in order to satisfy others or what I believed others would like, wherein I started compromising myself in order to do things ‘for others’ and within the expectation of judgment, without realizing that whenever I would do this, I would end up being unsatisfied about the results and considering that I would ‘someday’ be ‘good enough at the eyes of others’ which became an actual obstacle in my creative processes and never considering that my work was ‘good enough’ and actually believing till this day that my work is just not good enough or lacking ‘professionalism’ within itself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that people would judge my paintings and say that I was not an artist at all, wherein I would then fear having to ‘let go’ of my dream because of being labeled as ‘not good enough’ which didn’t happen and instead took the positive judgments of people as a way to reinforce my self-belief that ‘I was one the right track’ to become an artist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to make lots of paintings as a way to ensure that I could cover people’s different tastes and measure what I could continue doing and discontinue doing based on the feedback I would get, which means that I begun caging my expression based on wanting to satisfy others, compromising my ‘unconditional expression’ to suit others preferences and needs.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted an allowed myself to deliberately hide this bunch of paintings from my family because of not wanting to expose myself to them as being a tortured, depressive maniac that would paint some type of violent scenes that had in no way relationship to my ‘calm’ and pacific life locked up in my room, which became the way that I justified my distant stance toward them because of believing that ‘they would not understand,’ and feeling more and more like an alien at home because there was no one else interested in arts and culture the same way I was.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my ‘alienation’ at home based on me believing myself to be special and unique as ‘an artist’ that was misunderstood at home, using such thoughts to fuel my creation as a way to ‘want to escape’ and ‘find my real mission in life’ wherein I would picture myself living and being somewhere else but ‘here.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately instigate an emotional and feeling experience whenever I was painting, fueling it with music – such as being reading and abruptly getting a desire to paint and just turn on the music and grab my brushes and paint and get into this ‘inspirational moment’ that I simply would be building as a point of self-definition as an eccentric personality, yet making myself belief that I was in ‘the perfect moment’ to create, which is what started leading met o be more and more interested in the occult and unexplainable things in my reality that I thought would have a divine meaning, lol.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Painting is what I want to do for the rest of my life – placing writing and playing music as the other two options in the hierarchical value-scheme of ‘who and what I want to be when I grow up’ which is how I built my self-religion of being an artist, believing myself to be special and ‘resonating’ with some of the biographies I would read from artists wherein I could identify myself with them, thus fueling the belief that ‘I am on the right track, I must become an artist’ in almost an anxious and absolute excitement as a self-revelation of something ‘magnificent’ in my life, which I really took to the extremes as an actual energetic experience that I became used to fuel through music, words, thoughts, pictures and my own imagination of course, in order to believe that I was in fact discovering my ‘real mission in life’ and that it was a ‘special one,’ without actually seeing that all I was busy doing is entertaining myself within the arts/ cultural realms to not have to one day face the ‘harsh capitalist world’ of office jobs and regular money-making professions which I judged as ‘lower’ and ‘lesser evolved’ than being an ‘artist’ or a ‘philosopher’ or any other creative and reflective profession in the world, as if knowledge and art could be the actual ‘change’ in the world as both points currently exist as in our world system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to infatuate myself with beliefs of who and what I have to be and become, and stick to it like glue with no flexibility, which is how when getting married to a certain idea of myself it became equally difficult having to let go of it, because of all the meaning and ‘specialness’ I had built and fueled It with, which was the reason why I had such a breakdown when finding Desteni because of all the ‘effort’ that I had placed onto ‘my art’ and ‘my creations’ and my personality as this someone that is special and unique, thus having to let go of my specialness and uniqueness when realizing that all I had lived was preprogrammed life choices to entertain myself to not take self responsibility for the world.

 

My Room - 2003

My room 2003

 

Pattern: Following my desires and talking myself into believing that ‘this is it, this is what I’m meant to be doing for the rest of my life!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that ‘this is it, this is what I’m meant to be doing in my life’ based on constructing myself as the ideal of who I want to be based on affinity, attraction, desires and idealization so of who and what I can be and become as an ‘artist’/ painter in my life, based on the belief that all I am doing in my life is ‘searching my mission’ and within that, using every excuse, belief, and association of myself to a particular activity as ‘a mission’ or as a ‘sign’ that I must stick to that path no matter what and within this thinking process, develop an actual self-religion based on premises that I have created as an outflow of my own self-talk, self-belief and deliberate training to be and become that which I have valued as ‘special’ and ‘important’ and ‘mysterious’ such as art-making.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am making choices in my life based on ‘signs’ and some unnatural ‘force’ that is placing all of these points for me to consider as an actual career choice, just because of how I learned from a very young age as a kid that I ‘should know what I want to be when I grow up’ which became a constant and actual worry even at a tender age of 6-7 years old, wherein I thought that if I wanted to be an astronaut, I had to start studying the universe, picking up a book and starting reading about it in order to be ‘well prepared for when the time comes to be an astronomer/ astronaut’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of careers and the choice of it as the ‘most important decision in life’ wherein it seemed that once I had chosen what to study and what to be, I would be bound to it no matter what, which is how making decisions on what to study became a terrifying event in my life, preparing myself several years for it, just because of the belief that suddenly dropping out/ changing career or not living out of (making money from) the career one chooses is regarded by society as a failure, as not being successful enough, which became a fear in the background within myself, wherein I would push my self to ensure that I do not fail and fearing not eventually being in the ‘right career’ which did lead me to change careers and eventually realize that none of them is what I really wanted to be and become because all my choices were based on ‘who I am’ as my mind as preferences, likes and dislikes, which is now a point that I am ensuring is no longer defining my choices in life – this implies that I allow myself to not judge what I did and the decisions I took in the past, as I did not know anything else other than ‘following my desires/ dreams’ and never considered at all how I could contribute to make of this world a better place for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that I am walking through certain events and people, and things, and books, music, writing as ‘signs’ that I must follow and arrange like a puzzle to determine ‘my mission in life’ which is pretty much a spiritual-influenced type of decision due to the entire ‘aura’ of specialness that I got to know art had throughout human history, which became a fascination within me, leading myself to believe that because I was so fascinated with it, I had to be a part of it – in this using self-talk, backchat and basically convincing myself that I had to be in the art world because I had ‘talent’ for it, without ever really considering what I would be doing within the art world and how I would practically sustain and live, but following just a dream and using the belief that ‘I’ll sort the financial aspect as I go’ and in that, leaving things to just flow without me taking into consideration the actual practical aspects that would lead me to make an informed decision in my life, and not just following what I wanted, desired and liked based on enjoyment and personal desires, wherein the world system and the state of the world became the point that I wanted to avoid facing/ escaping from, using art as a socially acceptable way to do so in a ‘nice’ way wherein I could still earn money from the system, while doing what I like.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the preferences, likes and dislikes that I’ve created and supported throughout my life are those wherein my mind is able to thrive the most, as in fueling up self-definitions, ideas and experiences that are pretty much linked to the experience of myself as my mind, and not considering the practical physical reality wherein one has to earn money to live, which is how I took a decision in my life in an airy-fairy manner not considering practical living at all, but just day dreaming about me suddenly getting to be very famous and have enough money to fulfill my dreams, not realizing that this would lead me nowhere, because the world does not work like in dreams, but actual decisions are required to be taken in order to physically and practically be able to support myself, which is how I realize that all my self-talk and belief of wanting to be an artist was just escapism and calling it an affinity and ‘natural ability’ towards art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absolutely disregard what’s best for all and me taking a position in the world to be part of the change that I wanted to see in the world, but instead chose a career in order to ‘step out of the system’ – apparently and not have to face it as my responsibility, but rather be ‘creative’ about it as a way to just show that I was loathing the system and being unsatisfied with it, and calling it ‘art’ and ‘expression,’ without considering that I could in fact prepare myself to be part of the solution that I see and realize this world requires, which is now a point that I realize I will take on within my life as it is never too late to accept that we made the wrong decisions and from here on, direct ourselves to a point that is of actual benefit to humanity and myself as one and equal to create a new world system that regards Life in Equality –

 

My room 1 - 2003

My room – (View from the sofa I always used to sit from) 2003

 

Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself believing that art is a ‘superior human activity’ I stop and I breathe- I realize that I have brainwashed myself to believe that in order to justify my decision in life based on wanting to be an ‘artist’ just so that I could remain isolated, doing ‘what I want/ what I like’ on my own, which is an aspect of my entire personality that sought to be a hermit, not socializing and only fueling and becoming an ‘erudite’ in my field – arts in general – to value knowledge and ‘my profession’ over my own life. Thus, I direct myself to equalize all human activities as equal wherein I stop wanting to do something over another activity based on how I have arranged them in my mind, but instead, take all activities and my participation within the world according to the practicality and priority of such activities in my world, instead of following only a desire to experience myself in a certain positive way.

 

When and as I see myself seeking to buy only the cheapest for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘buy the cheapest’ is family ingrained ideas that money is a scarce thing and that we rather buy the cheapest to ‘save money,’ wherein saving money became a fear to lose money itself, being constantly fueled and reactivated every time that I would direct myself to the cashier and letting go of money as in losing that ‘security’ as ‘my savings.’ Within this, I realize that I can let go of the idea that by buying the cheapest I am ‘securing myself as money,’ because this is just an idea and ingrained belief toward money itself, with no actual foundation other than what I learned from my parents with regards to ‘taking care of money’ and always seeking to spend the least money on what we buy and consume for ourselves, seeing higher prices as a luxury that is simply not-affordable for ourselves.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘ecofriendly’ as in not generating too much waste and using ‘the least’ for myself such as painting over used paper, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just a self-belief as ‘the saver’ in terms of money and resources, without realizing that everything that I consume in this world has an environmental impact that I am mostly unaware of until I study and inform myself how things are created, which only become knowledge and information that I worry about and ‘avoid,’ without realizing that such processes could actually be transformed/ changed and improved to be done in less-harmful ways if we establish a monetary system that is based upon Life itself as a self-supportive system, instead of seeing the production and commercialization of products as ways to earn money/ make a lot of profit which is the reason why we still consume in harmful and careless ways the resources of the earth, which implies that I must first stop the judgment toward what I use and instead direct myself to establish such solution so that all abuse in all aspects in this world can be stopped, one point at a time, beginning with me not making of money the real god and decision-maker in and of my life.

 

When and as I see myself to feel guilty for spending money on myself, buying what I need and materials and anything that I regard as ‘non-essential,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am manipulating myself to feel like a victim through belittling myself as not being ‘worth it,’ wherein I am using the value-system of things and money itself in comparison to myself and my own life, which is not acceptable as this is how we create our own hierarchical levels of ‘what I’m worthy of/ what I’m not yet worthy of’ based on the social rules of valuing people, career, things, qualities as ‘more’ than ourselves, instead of realizing Life as the one and only real value wherein money wont’ define ‘who I am’ or how I can or cannot support myself, but can instead become a single too to support ourselves in the best manner possible, which implies that there will be no more limitation based on money itself and the fear of ‘lacking money/ ending up with no money’ as a constant survival fear that is existent every time that I pay money for that which I require to live and to create.

 

When and as I see myself going through the thinking pattern of ‘being worthy of using something expensive’ I stop and I breathe – I realize I am comparing myself to the values placed through a monetary convention that in no way regard life in Equality, wherein expensiveness is linked in my mind to being professional, to ensure that I won’t squander resources/ money and that I’ll make ‘the most of it’ wherein art and creation is then not unconditional but always taking into consideration the amount of money spent on the materials and everything that is bought in order to create, which is the reason why and how self-expression is not FREE in this world as everything I’ve done is equated to money wherein even ‘skills’ are able to be paid for according to the rules and regulations of the system, that do not consider the value of expression as life itself, but as a monetary value that we are all bound to in this current economic system.

 

When and as I see myself not doing things the best possible way that I see and realize I am capable of, due to how I am valuing the materials as ‘cheap’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the materials and the price of it is but a social convention to believe that there is something ‘more’ or ‘less than’ according to the price they are sold with, which is how I have been an elitist in my own ‘doings’ wherein: If I am dealing with cheap materials = I have not put enough effort to do things properly and well, but equate my application to the value of the ‘cheap materials,’ with a sense of ‘not really giving a fuck’ because ‘it’s not expensive’ – and doing the opposite wherein: if I am dealing with expensive materials = I make sure I take care of each bit of material, I am the most careful person toward it in fear of losing money as in squandering such material, which is how everything that I do becomes an extension of wasting/ saving money itself, wherein the actual point of expression that should be constant and consistent regardless of ‘prices’ is compromised to the monetary values I add to and regard as ‘important’ within my reality.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately careless and doing things ‘half-assed’ or in a ‘messy way,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is actually a way to not have to push myself to expand my abilities and step out of my mind-frame of limitations and instead, challenge myself to do things the best way that I am aware I can be and direct myself to become if walking a point breath by breath in consideration of whatever I am doing really being an expression of who and what I realize I am, wherein I no longer accept myself to create out of just seeking an experience or wanting to continue defining myself as careless or a wreck in my creations, but in fact take a moment to see who I am in that moment of expression within any activity in my world, and making a decision of what and who I want to be in that moment considering what is best for all – and then act accordingly. With this I ensure that I do not sabotage myself to think that it’s ‘okay’ to do things half way and ‘more or less alright,’ instead of realizing that I am determining myself and the entirety of who I am in each moment in every action and decision I take, wherein allowing me to walk the ‘half path’ is in fact spiting myself and sabotaging my ability to challenge myself and walk in self-directive way wherein what is best for all as myself is directed in common sense as that which I want to be and become as self-perfection that is able to be walked with enough patience and consistency in application, as all mastery is in fact able to be achieved if practical application, self-determination and consistency is placed as a constant application within myself in everything that I do, no matter ‘what’ I do.

 

When and as I see myself using money as an excuse to not do things properly as in having ‘no quality material to work with’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am mimicking the hierarchical system wherein materials are not just ‘matter’ from the Earth but are valued according to a price tag that I am using as an excuse to not do things properly because of believing that the worth of material as the money that they represent is ‘not much’ hence I can equally ‘not give much/ not do much’ instead of giving all my attention, focus and dedication to use whatever means I have to create, to express and to work with, without assessing my own effort in relation to the ‘quality’ of the materials as the amount of money they represent, which is mimicking the world-system of money as my own application. I instead equalize my application regardless of how much money the materials cost – expensive or cheap – and commit myself to express, do and use what is here in the best possible way to ensure that no matter what I use, where I am, how much money I spend on myself, I stop defining ‘who I am’ in relation to money as a value over myself as life.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘not following my dreams’ and I am ‘missing out on life’ as the dreams of wanting to be a writer, painter, musician or anything else related to arts – I stop and I breathe – I realize that such careers were based upon my decision and desire to ‘step out of/ escape’ the system due to and because of not wanting to take responsibility for myself and this world, but instead rather trying to and attempting to make money out of ‘escaping the system’ through dedicating myself to art, without realizing that I can in fact prepare myself to take on a position in the world system wherein I can support myself and others to establish a new world system based on life in equality, wherein ‘my dreams’ of creative-processes can wait to be walked and expressed once that money is no longer a problem and an obstacle for expression, not only for myself but for everyone that I see and realize are equally affected by money being a limitation to an actual self-expression through/ as art.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to isolate myself resorting into music, painting, reading only and not interacting with anyone in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in such moments I am in fact seeking to ‘escape myself’ and entertain myself to not do and face and walk what I have to do, walk and direct as self-support. Therefore I direct myself in such moments to allow myself to check the starting point of such desire to ensure that I do not use such ‘fleeting desire’ as a way to stop being self directive and ‘fly away’ – but instead simply realize that I can give myself a moment to express and draw/ paint/ read or listen to music without it becoming an absolute ‘escapism mechanism’ as a repeated pattern in my everyday living.

 

When and as I see myself still desiring the experience of ‘being an artist’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that everything that I sought was to be and become like people on TV and the media that are ‘artists’ and apparently have a great life that is only possible do to Money being the main factor linked to this ‘happiness’ and ‘fulfillment’ ideal of ‘living’- when in fact none of it is actually physically real as an expression of life but is the abuse of life made business as role-models that represent’ the ‘ultimate happiness’ as having lots of money which I have linked to ‘being an artist = having money’ as the ultimate freedom from the system, while feeding From the system itself, which was my initial ‘target’ in my career: being in the system but not ‘of the system’ apparently, without realizing I was consuming the exact same desire of success just like everyone else in this world.

 

When and as I see myself using the example of an artist’s life to compare my own life and experience to theirs and validate my ‘career choice,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only using another’s personality design to validate and excuse my own self-created personality design to maintain myself within such limitation while using ‘famous artists’ as an example to follow as ‘who I wanted to be,’ which is all based on desires for money, fame and personal-glorification as the ultimate self interest wherein life in equality is not part of the equation at all. Thus I realize that fueling self-definitions is the way that the system has ensured its own continuity, instilling the same desires and dreams within people through advertising itself as media/ entertainment/ arts / culture as everything is linked to the same monetary system, which implies that no ‘choice’ in life is really based on self-understanding of life in equality and promoting a new way of living, but they are all linked to preserving and perpetuating the same world system of money as inequality.

 

When and as I see myself correlating my life and what I do as ‘signs’ that I should be and become an artist I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am reacting to my own associations and networks of comparison from me toward other ‘famous people’ that I believed I was ‘similar to’ in how I would ‘see the world,’ and this feeding my own desire to be special and unique as ‘an artist,’ which is just another personality design within the system that in no way considers being or becoming a human being that stands for life in an actual position wherein this can be created and manifested, but instead only made it into an elusive ideal and ‘dream’ like thing to use as theme and topic of art works, but not considering the practical steps to create such change in this world, which is how I now direct myself to see where I am the most effective to become part of the actual process of creating and installing a change in this world to life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have a ‘mission in life’ and a ‘specific purpose’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am using this aura of ‘specialness’ and desire to be ‘unique’ as in believing that I have this ‘special purpose in life’ linked to my career and ‘what I will be doing’ in this world, which is in no way something special, unique or ‘god given,’ but instead is and will be a process of taking the necessary informed decisions as to where I can be the most effective within the process that we are walking as the implementation of life in Equality and Oneness and How I can practically assist and support myself to walk the process to place myself in such position as I realize that nothing is like ‘a dream’ that I can just jump into and see ‘where it goes,’ but that I have to now take and make decisions wherein I practically look at the necessary steps to take to get to the position that I see I am required to be and take on in my world, in accordance to the support and implementation required to establish the Equal Money System as a living solution for all beings on Earth wherein expression in itself will stop being just another commodity and asset in itself, only possible for those that can afford it, which is how this process of self-equalization is priority for all before we can start discovering what Self-Expression actually means.

 

When and as I see myself admiring other’s expressions as art and desiring to be doing the same – I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back to earth to realize that the priority in my world and within this process that I am walking is not art creation but establishing a world that is best for all as Life, which is a process of educating ourselves to stand in positions wherein we can practically implement a new system that supports life – in this I commit myself to direct myself to play my part within the equation and realizing that no matter what I decide to do, I will give it all of myself within the realization that no ‘artwork’ can be an actual living expression of self as long as such artwork or artistic activity is still linked to and defined by the current monetary system.

 

I realize that my desire to paint and create stemmed more from a point of abdicating self-responsibility and following my dreams as entertainment rather than an actual process of placing myself in a position of support to change the world and support myself to stand as such change, which were points and aspects that I in no way considered when delving myself into the art world, and in fact doing the exact opposite. Thus, I see that I brainwashed myself to make my ‘dreams’ and desires of escapism as ‘acceptable’ in order to not have to face myself, which is how and why the decision I’ve made to not follow through fully within the art-career as a living-process is in the best interest of all and myself to learn what it is to walk the world system in fact – and not only continuing my own desires of self-interest and personal self-glorification, which doesn’t meant that I will ‘stop creating absolutely,’ but just not following through with it as an actual career that I can make money of, as I see there are points that require immediate support and assistance beginning with my own training and understanding of this world and reality, to walk the points as myself and be the example of what is required to be done as this process to actually change the world into a system that is best for all.

This will continue….

 

“I commit myself to Restore Real Spirituality to Earth as the SPIRIT as Life as Equal as What is Best for Each One.

I commit myself to Set Life Free from the Drive for Profit so that Each Life can Live Life to the Best, in the Time Given to Each One.” Bernard Poolman*

 

Marlenoise_1

Marlenoise (2003) Always with headphones on lol

 

Walk through the gallery with the works I made with those ‘cheap watercolors and recycled paper’ among other drawings here

MarlenLife’s album / 2003

 

 

Blogs:

*Day 72: Is Profit Driving the Spirit?

Love is to Accept Each-Other’s Evil: DAY 72

 

Vlogs:

2010 FREEDOM of Expression is NOT Existent

2011 Art in Equality: Be your own Work of Art

2012 Existential Woes: Stop and Know Yourself

 

 

Must Hear Interviews on YouTube by Sunette Spies:


2012 Existential Anguish: Solved

Me Myself MarlenLife

 

Here I share about this photo that had no description or explanation when I first made it and uploaded it on December 22nd, 2011 – to me it just seemed like another ‘anguished representation’ of a general experience that I’ve had – and most certainly every human being has had – throughout my life, wherein this ‘existential anguish’ became something that I could not ‘pin point’ yet it was definitely Here as myself, not knowing why or what I could possibly be so ‘sad’ about. It wasn’t even sadness either, it wasn’t a depression either – This was ‘something else.’

 

When I was reading Sunette’s blog, and this specific quote  it all just clicked and this image that I had surreptitiously posted on Facebook as a way to share how I would experience myself at times wherein it’s not a personal anguish, because there was nothing ‘going on’ within my personal life – but a general/ existential anguish which would come through most of the art I have created – always depicting suffering and humanity in some form of massive enslavement – and I had no understanding within myself on why I was drawing this, why I had such a constant drive to draw the same type of themes, while getting a constant experience of being dismal about reality.

 

So, now understanding reality and all the latest interviews and Sunette’s blogs have allowed me to understand everything that I ever sought to understand and there’s a phrase that I’ve been having on a constant basis while reading, hearing, understanding who I am here: all makes sense now, and it’s a great relief as much as it is a great duty to be informed and essentially, preparing myself because I’ve never been so sure about something in my life. I cannot even recognize who the hell I was in the past, feeling lost and so afraid of the world and people – and this is not a magic-wand type of realization: it’s taken time and I’m sure that as time progress we can only go asserting ourselves more and more within this process.

 

Why is it a ‘weight off’ of my back to understand this? Because I could experience this constant friction and conflict within myself without a reason. I always got to read/ hear people’s stories that made sense as to why they would be depressed, or sad and generally self-destructive in their lives due to their contexts, but I always had a ‘good life’ and I simply got to believe that I was being just an attention seeker and spoiled brat trying to be a drama queen. But no, it wasn’t that either… it was definitely something beyond even a point of self manipulation as I mostly would keep it to myself, and actually play the ‘forte’ one with/ toward people that were ‘truly depressed’ by their self-created circumstances – yes, everything we have ever experienced has been Self-Created.

 

So – to me this is understanding more of myself, what I was expressing, which made me ‘excited’ and still a little jump on my chest comes up when I bring ‘here’ that moment when reading Sunette’s blog The Forward March to HELL: DAY 28  and it all just suddenly clicked as I had have a general concern about not knowing ‘why I paint that’ – It’s one of the ‘lost pieces in the puzzle’ that I had sought in books, spirituality, philosophy, people, personal heroes and only now it is all coming together so that I can finally stop my personal mysteries and focus on that which is actually relevant, which doesn’t have anything to do with seeking some great truth behind art – I’m done with that, this is about Self-Realization – Self-Creation as a physical being that essentially can continue living here, breathing, walking all relationships back to Self wherein no more separation as relationships exist.

 

The truth is that when I go stopping all past definitions as ‘who I was,’ I in fact remain and more ‘human’ than ever as a living flesh that is no longer torturing itself with mindful gaps that would occupy my mind on a constant basis at times in my past.

 

I am the one that is able to now ensure that I stop all forms of EXPERIENCE toward the separation that I’ve ‘felt’ as myself, as this world and coming along with the usual dreary experience when seeing people not caring about each other, people striving to make a living, people living and begging for money on the streets, animals being hit by their owners, children being hit by their parents, people fighting and cursing at each other for no reason, people competing against each other and never even questioning WHY we can’t just Be Life.

 

So – the death and destruction now makes sense to me as I see that I’ve done this all to myself and it’s in my hands to now stop it, walk my process of writing on a daily basis, applying Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application, so that all that I go realizing as the separation that I’ve become can finally be brought back to self, wherein I take Self-Responsibility to ensure that Life is never again dissociated from who we really are as physical beings.

 

I invite everyone reading these words to check out the afore mentioned blog and all of our blogs that are being pressed on a daily basis as the commitment that we as Destonians have taken on as Our Lives.

 

As far as art-creation, I’ll continue making it but I now can stop actually experiencing that as an energetic possession that was driving me mad – and instead, walk the points of separation as myself, as my own words and still be able to depict it in a picture/ drawing/ painting as the result of realizing how blind we have become and propose the solution that can be walked by All in the name of Life in Equality.

 

The World is Not going to end – the only thing that will end is our human negligence and disregard for each other which most certainly needs to meet its end in each and every one of ourselves.

Walk with us

Journey to Life

“Advantages of Blogging – it makes sure the disadvantages does not manifest as backchat/shame – but, seriously though – it’s cool seeing the days go as you walk – lol; and with continuing walking it’s like – man, I can’t turn back or stop now, because I know if I will, all that I have done this far will mean nothing, and will have to start again – so, you just keep on writin’/moving and becomes more natural each passing day” Sunette Spies

 

Self Forgiveness is the Key to STOP All our Existential Woes and actually Get back on Track to what must be done in order for us to finally be able to say: We are Here and we are ALIVE

Some other quotes I’ve taken from Sunette’s blogs that allowed me to understand more about myself:

Vlog:
2012 Existential Woes – Stop and Know Yourself

If you want to hear a very simplistic explanation of this process, get the following interview:

Reptilians – Where does Relationships come from – Part 40

 

HEAR Great Music made by Destonians

Earthonites-Jealousy

 

And a cool blog to walk the correction:

Day 2: Perfection Game
Glorifying the Devil as the Nature of God: Day 36
Day 36: Heaven on Earth

I recommend hearing the following interview to make sure you don’t miss out on your own life and only realize when it is too late.

Life Review – When Life turns its back on You


Day 25: Existential Woes

Since yesterday that I read Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, Consumerism Starts in the Womb of the Mother: DAY 23 I got quite a reaction coming up from the realization of the birthing process and how it actually takes place in such a way that it is like a recreation of that very initial moment of separation from the whole, that initial division that had a negative energy in it as a result of such conflict/friction that ensued separation. This point clicked within me as a piece in the puzzle that I had been missing out through my life as the experience that I would constantly have with no apparent reason for it at all.

As I’ve shared before, I had a very ‘normal life,’ I was and have been supported, got education and ‘great opportunities’ that have lead me to live a relatively stable and comfortable life. However, I always had this nagging experience that I could only call an ‘existential woe’ and I remember reading Sartre and somehow identifying myself with that, the same with Camus and other people that are now simply seen for what they are as ‘existentialists’ – that was a first approach. However I continued to search for more, to give a ‘name’ to this existential woe. I simply accepted such experience as a kind of  slight chronic depressive tendencies without any reason to have them. I even accepted the fact that maybe it had to do with being a more ‘sensitive person,’ but the reality is that I now understand a lot more about who we are/ our creation in a way that we all have now as a once in an existential lifetime opportunity.

 

I had shared since the beginning of this process why everything that I would depict in art was always this state of worry/ woe/ anguish/ concern, and I found it very very difficult to do anything else but depict such state of being that I could only pin point as a rather ‘deep’ experience within me that I wasn’t fully aware of. Yet it was Here, always here. And I even thought that it had to do with some fucked up chain karma of past lives or having had birth-suffering because of having my umbilical cord around my neck for quite some time. It is fascinating – to say the least – what I’m realizing within these blogs and overall with the interviews that are being released. Now I’m able to understand what I had never ever been able to place into words, never being able to grasp it, yet it was certainly an experience that had no reason to be other than just being ‘here’ as myself. I could be making a big assumption in terms of me expressing that point of separation and ‘existential woe’ through the pictures and scenes that I would draw/paint, but at least, such expressions now make more sense in terms of how such anguish and constant ‘down’ experience is what we all human beings exist as that very first energetic surge from that primordial friction/ conflict that caused the separation of the whole generating  a negative experience.

 

So, because none of us can fully remember or even explain/ give a name to these inherent experiences of absolute negativity toward ourselves and everyone else, it makes complete sense how this that I had experienced in what I would call ‘irrational manner’ toward people in my world.

Because of reading these blogs, all of the self-destructive patterns and behaviors we have lived out somehow make sense now. This is not within the context of it being something beneficial for all, no. It is about being able to understand A LOT more about ourselves as mind consciousness systems and why even after these 4 years of walking/reading the Desteni material, I only thought that such constant experience of negativity toward myself/ the world in general was merely ‘preprogrammed’ which is not, it is really the experience of separation as the cross we bear in fact.

 

Now, why this is such an important point to walk from what I have realized/ understood through my own experience, is because each one of us is essentially walking their own points of separation to reintegrate/ get ourselves back to the point that we have only separated ourselves from as relationships/ experiences, in a very absurd manner  -and by absurd I mean that we missed Ourselves as Life all the time, as simple as that. I also realize there are no If’s and that I could write a Looong blog about the reactions of ‘what ifs’ -however, what’s relevant here is walking my own mind of self-separation as I see and realize that it is the only way that I can really live that which is required for us to be/ do when realizing to what extent we had become these absolutely lost drones with no ability to remember that we once were all.

 

Why is this a very cool point? Because now I see how there is an actual ‘reason’ for such existential experience within each one of us, and now we can see that we missed the very obvious: Together we thrive and separated we fear and destroy each other.

One example is no matter how many millions you have, as long as we are still existing in separation. Makes sense why even during the first years throughout childhood there is conflict between children, conflict between children and parents, conflict from the very process of gestation within the womb. And yes, somehow it also makes sense why it was so difficult for me to see anything ‘holy’ and ‘graceful’ about childbirth.

 

I breathe and let go of this as I see that sometimes it is easy to reinforce the points of separation, instead of actually walking it through a writing of Self-Support wherein I make sure I honor myself as words, as the creation of the word as who I am. What does that mean? That all words that reinforce separation, must be walked through a process of self-correction and in that, I see that the usual ‘fear’ that exists is having to let go of our specialness within the use of words, the ‘who we are as words’ that encapsulate the entirety of ‘who we are’ in these great bubbles of ego that eventually only work as hard and soft veneers to keep ourselves ‘stable’ in this self-created world of Machiavellis  wherein we are all constantly existing in fear and experiencing this irrational hatred toward one another. I had a hard time playing nice in my life – yet I knew the system-value such attitudes had in terms of being able to use it to manipulate for my own benefit. And I would usually experience discomfort and judgment toward having to cheat or be corrupt, never realizing that we were the very instigators of such inner conflict that has become our reality till this day.

 

There is certainly a lot more to understand  – however I can see for now that I can make more sense of myself now, which I am grateful for, because even after having had extensive information, there was always this ‘point’ wherein I could not really understand Why we hated each other, because that’s the truth and there will be specific interviews to come that will explain why no two beings could stand in actual equality and oneness, which doesn’t surprise me. Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath to realize that I am here, I am the result of all of ‘that’ and I have the tools and essentially it’s up to me now to turn off the lights.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever seek a life-experience meaning to my ‘existential woe’ which now makes sense as the actual process of separation from who I am wherein the ‘who I am‘ emerged from that primordial separation from the whole wherein we lost all sense of recognition of who I am as one and equal and in that, accepted my self-definition as a negative-experience within this individualization as a process of ‘losing my religion,’ as in losing that unification wherein everything was just here, as self, stable as self, constant and consistent, which is what my physical body is actually the living-existence of that, I can trust my physical body and everything that I cause as a disruption exists as energy, as thoughts, as emotions, feelings, perceptions, ideas, that emerge from my participation and continuation in that initial negative experience from the moment of first-separation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience this seemingly unexplainable hatred toward everything and everyone as an experience wherein I thought that there was something ‘wrong’ with me, going into judgment and trying to tamper it with playing the nice well-behaved little girl, even if it was obvious that from that very first ‘system’ day as the first day of school, I created this profiling of my classmates as people that I could either like or dislike, without having an particular reason that I could explain at the moment, as to ‘why I could dislike someone,’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with laughter, woe and general ‘powerlessness’ when realizing to what extent I have been unaware of myself, not only about the ‘who I am’ as one and equal, but within the realization of how separate we are from our very own physical body,because we cannot even know exactly how our body functions until now that we are having these great explanations of who we really are. I can certainly say that to me being able to hear this now is like ‘manna from heaven’ because I am sure that I’ve spent endless lifetimes longing to hear form it. Sometimes it became such a ‘normal’ thing to be living with a portal and talking to various beings that it really became a ‘normal thing’ – however this is an existential process and we’re at ‘the point’ wherein we are ‘on the spot’ so to speak to be able to get it, and the fact that it depends entirely on us reminds me the type of responsibility that this process implies within each one of us, human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in such an initial fear of fucking it up again and having to simply end it all even after realizing that this world is already quite stable, that this Earth could require some changes and it could be heaven on Earth – yet because of perceiving it to be an insurmountable task I have believed that it will be ‘very difficult’ for us to do this, yet this is only a the very back of my head/ back chat because in a conscious manner as a ‘positive thinker’ that I tend to be is: ‘oh yeah we’ll do it’ – but ultimately it’s not about thinking it, but living it. Therefore

 

When and as I see myself believing ‘oh yeah, we’ll make it, we can’t go wrong this time/ there’s no way we won’t make it now’ and having a positive thinking while listening to the potential outcomes explained in the interviews while and during the moments when worst case scenarios are being explained – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have become this ‘fighter’ that feels like part of a military that must keep a certain ‘hold’ all the time wherein the image of someone with a shield in a battlefield becomes a recurrent image within me, and I see that I created this ‘warrior’ experiences when delving into ideas of being some kind of life-defender according to some of the multiple and varied material I read about spirituality/ new age movements that I researched for a while.

 

Therefore, I realize that the decision to walk this process is a self-willed decision that I in fact took on for myself, for the very first time in my life or even existence wherein I realize that there is nothing to ‘defend’ or ‘battle against,’/ overcome, but instead is simply a process of reintegrating myself back to who I am wherein I walk my own mind to get out of such ever-lasting character and start actually living as the physical, as the reality of who I am.

 

I realize that any usual though in the back of my head of this all being ‘impossible’ as a result of having cultivated a constant view upon humanity as being ‘royally fucked’ and in that, validating my thoughts as ‘real’ without ever knowing that it was this very experience that I had that I become so used to exist-as ‘me’ as such constant judgment toward everything and everyone – which is only self-created wherein I helped co-create this world in the image and likeness of separation.

 

I was walking and it is fascinating how much we can make our home gates seem perfectly ‘normal’ and even beautify them with all of this useless ornaments, without realizing that the very existence of such gates like family-cells in each and every single house, indicates the fortresses that we have built out of realizing the potential ‘danger’ that we represent to each other. This is absolutely ludicrous, however it’s our reality, it’s what we have become: warded beings in our little fortresses fearing each other, entertaining ourselves to not realize the extent of separation that we’re living in, consuming our physical bodies while constantly thinking and thinking and thinking and going into endless self-talks that never lead anywhere else, but into further confusion – con. fusion= perfect soup for the mind to generate extra energy to keep the god system alive.

 

It also became very obvious for me today how I was definitely in a state of physical woe while listening the latest Atlantean interview, which is curiously called now that I see ‘Caged in Powerlessness’  because the entire point of obvious acceptance of separation is explained and in that, there is no space left to deny that we weren’t ‘aware’ of it. When hearing the result of how a single belief within the Atlanteans or what a single surge of excitement caused in Anu to ‘overlook’ within his creative processes wherein such fuck-ups manifested the consequences that we are living now: a single belief, a single surge of excitement – one single point missed  and the entirety of existence went along with it, and the fact is that I can see myself in both patterns, specially with the excitement one, wherein I could have definitely pictured myself becoming greatly excited about anything such as a great discovery in existence and disregard any point of practicality in the moment, just because of how nice it sounded/ was

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience regret, woe and a general sense of powerlessness while listening to the explanations of how we got ourselves in the state that we are living in as existence. I realize that this experience is coming from me thinking about what I have accepted and allowed within myself to be and become in absolute disregard of myself, my own creation, my physical body that I’ve applied some points of self forgiveness for, but I had not gone into the topic of the absolute acceptance that we went into within becoming just individuals defined by energetic experiences. Energy is a diminished and controllable form of substance in existence – and the fact that we’re not even aware of our own mind as energy, places us really at the ‘scum level’ figuratively speaking, because the scum of the Earth is definitely fully aware of itself, while us humans aren’t –

 

So, really – the only way that I can accept myself to continue living in this world after all the damage we’ve done is to stop all victimization –first place at an individual level – and secondly, realize that we were never here to become ‘masters’ in reality – we are here to restore the order and become the real guardians of the Earth along with all the Earthlings – no more power games or desires to ‘attain’ the non existent heavens or gods – we are here, we walk the consequences, we take Self Responsibility until it is done. And as we’ve said many times, the only way I can see myself walking this is obviously within being part of a group of people, that I see are walking the exact same process as I am, along with the entirety of existence that is equally here. That means that I walk this once in a lifetime opportunity – or once in an existential lifetime – to finally stop all cycles of abuse as the actual infinity loop that I describe when I write ‘cycles’ as it goes from pole to pole, just like cathode and anode to create energy.

 

I commit myself to stop any and all forms of energetic surges through writing, applying self forgiveness and structuring a practical point of support for me to be able to realize my creation as my point of separation and being able to reintegrate it as myself once that I’ve walked through the process of identifying, correcting, living self forgiveness to stop participating actively in recreating these same primordial separation from the whole every time that I go into any form of positive, negative or neutral experience as ‘who I am’ – I instead becomes the point that walks the necessary process to stop.


” I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand how my development/growth/manifestation of/as my physical-body within and as the womb of/as the female’s physical-body – is the manifested-representation, equal-to and one-with what I have become/done since the beginning in my relationship as manifested-singularity to/towards the whole/existence as me. Where: the female’s physical-body womb = is equal-to and one-with the womb of/as existence/the whole. Where: my physical-body development/growth/manifestation is dependent on a constant/continuous process of/as friction/conflict to/towards the very womb of/as the physical-body of the female = equal-to and one-with my manifested-singularity development/growth/manifestation that was/always has been dependent on the constant/continuous process of/as friction/conflict to/towards the whole/existence.” Sunette Destonian Spies

 

Learn how to coexist with others as equals, walk with us!

Quote by Bernard Poolman from the awesome blog

Day 24: MY MIND IS BLOWING UP!

 

Supportive Interviews:

 

Mind blowing Blogs


Day 23: E-cummulation

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become a being that will only ‘accept myself’ / my ‘who I am’ based on the extent/amount of energy-experience I accumulate/manifest as consume within/as myself”

Sunette Spies Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my beingness as a limitation, a caging of self-expression into a confinement called experience wherein who I am was reduced to being a single word as the name of an experience that I could identify as ‘who I am,’ in order to think, believe and perceive that ‘this is who I am’ and according to such definition, thinking ‘I am alive’ –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question or even ponder about the experiences that I became so automated to seek, such as a sense of satisfaction, a single thrill from going to places, meeting people, hearing music, watching/ observing the world wherein I created relationships as experiences wherein all that I would ever experience is myself as my own programmed energetic reactions as the definitions that I created in order to make me feel ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with anything/ anyone in my world in order to keep myself occupied in a constant experience that I created about something/ someone as that constant fueling ‘toward’/ in the expectation of an experience within a certain event, within consuming something, within meeting someone, within going to a certain place, within buying something wherein it would always feel better to exists in such anticipation that would eventually wane once that such expectation was fulfilled in either a positive or negative result, and within this experience the ups and downs of my self created patterns of experiences that I defined myself as ‘living for.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always seek a crutch to keep living/ keep going in my reality – whether it was waiting for school to end, waiting for vacations, waiting for a concert, wanting to meet someone, waiting to ‘be older’ and always future projecting these events that I would accumulate energy toward and when such events would be gone/ fulfilled/ completed, I would go just like a vampire seeking for another ‘energy source’ for my next high to accumulate energy to eventually have it dissipate once that the ‘target was met’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a moment/ experience builder wherein through giving meaning and values to everything and everyone around me, I crafted my own networks of energetic resources to ‘sip from’ – and within this it is to be understood how we have not in fact ever lived, because we have only sought to get high from energy and energetic experiences in either a positive, negative or neutral spectrum wherein we are constantly feeding a ‘state of mind’ that is kept as a constant thinking in our heads and in that, not being aware of what is it that I am in fact doing to myself, because I cannot see how thoughts that I create require energy to exist and such energy is sipped from the food that I consume as the physical resources in order to keep my ‘personal mind-heaven’ going as a constant experience-seeker.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the relationships that I had formed toward people/ things/ places/ past and present because of thinking that I would be ‘dead’ as a ‘vegetable,’ without realizing that who I am as Life doesn’t require and in fact is violated/ abused the moment that we use it and denigrate its wholeness as substance into a single energetic experience wherein I am defining myself as that experience that I believe is ‘fulfilling’ and ‘satisfactorily’ which is how  I accepted and allowed to continue ‘building up experiences’ as memories that I could keep in my mind to continue my dreams and desires going, believing that I was doing ‘no harm’ in following these experiences, even though I was aware of how the effect of such highs would lead me to a low that I would seek to get back on top again, and in that allow myself to exist in this vicious cycle of ups and downs and believing that when I was in a ‘neutral’ state, I was ‘stable’ no realizing that I was still simply waiting in the middle ground to have some positive or negative experience to wind up my energetic self-experience again.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge the point of ‘stopping the mind’ as being dead and being ‘idle’ without realizing that the idleness that I would experience was self-created through thinking patterns of not getting ‘enough’ positive experiences and not being able to take me down to the bottom of the extreme negative out of fear of who I would become-  therefore idleness was a constant state of seeking and fearing myself as experiences, that I would cover up or maintain in a perceived ‘nothingness’ status quo, without realizing that I was in fact thinking myself into it, and still only defining myself as that experience of ‘nothingness’ without realizing that I was not really Here, breathing as my physical body – I was simply in a limbo position wherein self-direction was non existent.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self direction and self-will to the will of who I am as what I have defined myself within the context of experiences as positive, negative and evidently neutral experiences wherein my beingness became a ‘state of being,’ wherein ‘who I am’ became a single definition according to ‘how I am experiencing myself’ and in this, never really considering that the physicality that I am and exist as is in fact the reality of myself – simply because of having accepted these energetic experiences as ‘who I am,’ and within this perceiving breathing, being here as being dead. The world is in reverse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into moments of yearning to ‘experience’ something which is just like a drug addict that yearns to have another fix, just because of realizing to what extent we have defined who we are according to an experience, a rush, an ‘elevation’ that can only last for so long wherein the rest of this reality is absolutely side viewed and disregarded, because I accepted and allowed myself to only care about me, my satisfaction and this becoming part of the army of egotism as a ‘lifestyle’ wherein we as human being compete against each other, create deliberate conflict in order to be on top of others, deliberate cheat and lie to become ‘better’ than others in our own minds – and i f such results are not fulfilled, we veer to a negative reinforcement wherein the opposite experiences are embraced in order to get the same energetic experience yet within a not so popular way of creating our own personal heaven, which is how paraphilias and so called mental fetishisms are created, as such ‘special relationships’ that are not broadly accepted as ways to trigger out emotions/ feelings just the same way that light and love is broadly accepted as an energy trigger.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not be ‘someone’ unless  I was valued, worthy, recognized, appraised by others which meant that without the experiences that I would get from such relationships, I would perceive myself as non-existent, just because of the extent that I had delegated everything that I am as a physical breathing human body to only be running on energetic experiences at a mind level, wherein suffering or any perceived depression was equally satisfactory in a reversed manner, wherein I would get a kick out of that which is gloomy and depressive and sad/ dismal/ lugubrious/ obscure – without ever considering that I was living just the opposite side of seeking happiness, bliss, love, light and all the positive aspects that I deemed as ‘socially acceptable,’ which meant that my energetic-drive was a constant opposition toward that which was socially acceptable as good/ benevolent, which came from me designing myself a deliberate disruption to a perceived perfect world and stable environment, which means that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always want to get an energetic experience the moment that I perceived that ‘nothing was going on,’ which asserted me as only being ‘existent’ and ‘alive’ if I was desiring, looking forward to, expecting, seeking, wanting, desiring, as these energetic hooks that I would extend to something/ someone in order to keep that mind-relationship in place that I could use at any given moment to trigger a positive or negative experience out of, without ever realizing that I was merely confirming that negative experienced that ensued the moment that I separated myself form the whole in this individualization of ‘who I am’ as only a definition, an idea of self, a set of preferences and dislikes that can only exists as a particular configuration of ‘who I am’ wherein all actions, thoughts, deeds had a calculated outcome/ effect according to my input/ placing myself as the cause to obtain a result, which is what lead me to become like a hunter or a vampire in my reality wherein everything that I would say/ do/ think and live out would be in order to get an experience out of what I perceived others would do/ say/ convey as a result of my input, wherein I became an actual energy-hunter with strategies and energy-triggers that I embodied as ‘who I am,’ in order to get people’s attention and at the same time, be rejecting such attention which is the typical love-hate polarity game that we play in order to keep our poles as energetic devices that run on energy, which is what I used my physical body to do, just an energy transformer to fulfill my mind-elations.

 

 

“we’ve become beings within existence, that only exist for as long as we can power/empower ourselves from/of the transforming of our beingness substance into/as Energy – limiting the ‘time’ of our existence to the equation of the relationship between our substance and the consuming of that substance into energy. Where in the very nature/manifestation within ourselves as manifested-singularities in the beginning, we’d come into being as an individualized part/expression of/as substance, but immediately proceed with the processes of consuming our own substance/life and transforming it into energy. And as we continue within that process, we’re consuming our own ‘life’.” Sunette Spies [a]

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get used to being constantly seeking and experiencing ‘something’ as giving name to that self-created and maintained experience at a mind level toward my reality and people wherein within this self-idealization as separate from the rest, all that was left for me to do is giving names, categorizing, assessing, valuing, devaluing this reality into a way that I could claim was ‘my own life’ as ‘my opinion’ about the world, as ‘my perspective’ as ‘my mind’ that I sought to have people ‘respect’ because I had taken the time to dissociate myself in specific elitist manners wherein not everything/ everyone could be part of my ‘specialized world’ in my mind wherein only ‘special beings’ and ‘special people’ and ‘special traits’ would be regarded as worthy of being in my mind-trophy wall of points that would make me feel good about myself/ others and the world as a point of relationship/ separation from who I really am, wherein I was making the statement of ‘I am an individual that exists as this specific configuration of separation as relationships that trigger a positive or negative experience within me, wherein I am nothing else but these experiences that I get from naming, identifying, judging, valuing, assessing others and everything in separation of myself, which is how I had lived as a knowledge and information robot that disregarded the very life essence that would allow such thoughts, such schemes, such experiences to continue as thoughts  in my head that would turn into experiences that would turn into ‘who I am’ in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to live for and drive myself to seek the most ‘original ways’ as usually understood as that desire to be as ‘singular/ special/ unique’ as possible wherein deliberate fascinations as relationships to what which wasn’t ‘socially acceptable/ embraced’ became ‘my point of fascination’ wherein I believed that I was ‘unlike anyone else’ because no one that I knew would have the same likes and preferences, and in this, I felt ‘special’ and ‘rivalry-safe’ wherein anyone that could seemingly present a similar pattern of likes/ preferences in my world, I would immediately identify as a potential rival/ enemy that I had to overcome and out-do in any possible way, which implied I had to go a notch higher to identify myself with a more ‘extreme’ version of that which defined ‘who I am’ in order to always be able to remain as a ‘winner’ within the idea of who I am toward my environment and others in it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always put all effort, time and money to make of any experience within my life something that I could call ‘memorable’ as the creation and energy-input that I would give in order to get the most ‘fulfilling effect’ out of it, as a memory that I could keep/ cherish for further ‘remembrance’ as in being able to re-live that energy as ‘who I am’ in any given moment, just like the mechanism of revamping experiences through memories and get the same ‘experience’ that I had initially decided I would imprint such memory with, wherein my memories became ‘my life,’ the definition of me as events, people, places, words, things as the e-ccumulation of myself as this energized personality as my ego, as ‘my precious’ that I had carefully crafted in order to eventually, someday, be ‘proud of who I am’ as a lifetime achievement of these positive experiences that could make me feel like ‘more’ than who I am as the simplicity of a physical body here, that I never ever regarded as the actuality of who I really am, and instead having lived the exact opposite wherein ‘all that I was’ was this collection of memories, events, experiences that I could re-live/ re-vamp through bringing the memory here and getting the same energetic experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that ‘who I am’ is this accumulation of energy as memories, experiences and ideas of myself in order to eventually be able to judge my life as successful, miserable or plain/ dull according to the expectations as dreams that I had set up for myself while growing up, wherein the pursuit of happiness was reinforced in school when having to write about our future and ‘where would we see ourselves in’ wherein if one would not achieve such dreams, I would deem my life as a failure; without realizing that it is within these future projections to ‘fulfill my dreams’ that I accepted and allowed myself to continue supporting the same system of incentives and rewards as ‘living’ wherein the accumulation of ‘who I am’ can be eventually considered as a successful living or not within my own mind and at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘miss out on life’ because of constantly talking myself into an experience and seeking for some experience deliberately either positive or negative but ‘experiencing’ something as I feared my non-thinking and non-existence as not being experiencing something, which is the exact opposite of what is actually real, wherein being here breathing, moment by moment is living and any diversion from the physical moment as breathing, is indicating me a point of relationship as an experience that I have created within myself in separation of who I am.

I realize that within being here as a whole, I don’t require to ‘accept’ myself as something as I am it, – therefore I see the importance of walking all past relationships as the very manifestation of separation-codes that I created toward ‘others’ in my reality as a reference of my relationships toward everything/ everyone to keep my ‘personality’ in place, wherein I had to ‘have an opinion’ have an experience toward everything and everyone in order to be able to ‘relate to them,’ which was diminishing ‘who I am’ as a character seeking to establish relationships of acceptance/ rejection of others in separation of self, a complete cycle of segregation from the wholeness that I have neglected as who I really am.

 

I commit myself to walk my relationships as the point of responsibility that I hold toward myself as the whole as the points that I have created and deliberately participated in ensuing separation within the acceptance of me as a character/ personality/ ego that ‘had to’ have an experience toward reality, otherwise I would be seen as ‘character-less’ and ‘bland’ and ‘dead’ which is how I accepted to play the games of society to always be either in a positive or a negative experience for the sake of complying to what we have socially accepted as ‘living’ as being either happy/ fulfilled/positive experience or miserable/ depressed/negative experience, as the polarities that would invariably go up and down in each being’s life in order to maintain a polarized reality that would generate enough energy to keep our ‘heaven’ in place as a custom-made paradise that would apparently fulfill our dreams/ our lives as a reward of living an accumulation of good deeds within the score-kept to eventually believe that I could be ‘more’ at the end of my life than who I really am, which is ludicrous in nature – yet as real as the consequences/ effect of my initial belief within this energetic system as ‘who I am.’

 

I commit myself to walk the necessary writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to walk my relationships as points of separation into ‘giving back to myself’ as the reintegration of myself as who I really am wherein all reactions created toward ‘another’ are recognized as self and as such, given-back to finally stop participating in generating energy to continue living as a e-ccumulation of experiences as ‘who I am,’ which is correcting my living from ego/ as energy experiences into an earthing-grounding-birthing myself as a physical being that does not require to thrive on energy to exist – but only establish equal agreements toward everything and everyone within the necessary relationships that we are currently existing as Life in this reality.

 

That implies that a practical way to stop all friction, all positive reinforcement and negative devaluing is through equalizing Money in this reality to finally recognize each other as equal-parts of who I am, as equal-cells of the body that I exist as wherein I realize within common sense how it is the only way that we can continue living in this world, otherwise cancer is created as an over-growth that indicates negligence toward the whole as who I am. For this the Equal Money System is the solution that will equalizing the playing field within humanity to start acknowledging each other as equals, while walking our individual processes of re-educating ourselves to grasp, understand and live the law of our being as equality as a living realization of who we really are.

 

 

I realize that keeping myself within the existence of ‘who I am’ as energy, I am ensuring my own depletion as keeping my ego in place implies I must consume the earth to exist as I am defining the ‘who I am’ in separation of the whole, which is how this reality has become the egofication as the fixations that we created and accepted as ourselves within our minds as experiences toward all in separation of ourselves. Thus for me to establish an equal and one recognition, I set agreements wherein no abuse is possible as such separation will recede as I walk a process of self-forgiveness to give myself back to myself, reintegrating myself to all the parts that I have defined myself in separation of.

 

 

Last Man on Earth

Last Man on Earth 2009

“The World-System of Money is consuming the very life of/as this physical existence, only because it’s on an existential scale it takes longer than what we do within ourselves and our own human physical bodies, where instead of this existence being manifested within the equal and one support of life and living – the World-System of Money is consuming this physical existence to its slow, sure but certain death. Rotting ourselves away from the inside and out, as we have become the very enzymes within our relationship to substance/physical as our relationships creations of energy that deteriorate and break-down substance/physical-tissue for our own survival as Energy-Consuming machines: Rotting ourselves away within and without – instead of standing equal-to and one with substance/physicality to produce life/living…” Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

 

Blogs for Further Support:

 

Visit journey to life for more blogs


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 14,898 other followers

%d bloggers like this: