Tag Archives: family

381. Carrying the Horns of Evil

 

Within our minds, we make associations where we might attach an image with an emotion or a feeling, we start defining such image according to the context we see it in, according to the people, according to what we hear/believe in according to such event/place/people and so, start defining ourselves according to all of the knowledge and information that comes from these mental associations that we integrate as ‘who we are’ and how we ‘understand the world’ and start categorizing our reality according to that, but with this comes also the definitions of what is good, what is evil, and where I stand within it all.

So, dreams stand as this ‘creation’ of myself to see what is coming up and why I’ve been dreaming of these things that seem rather random, but in a way they are only points that I orchestrate in my mind wherein I can see how I stand in relation to the people, the symbols, the places and contexts that I may not be physically linked to, but comes up due to having ‘activated’ some thoughts around such points or images, or people lately.  So, I’ve done this exercise of looking at my dream again, which has allowed me to review a part of my background and the judgments I’ve had toward that in an undercover manner inside my mind, which came to the surface when looking at this dream.

This time it was related to what I can consider as ‘family’ or lineage, since I was in that one building owned by some relatives toward which I have crated a like/dislike relationship as a child, a property that exists as the representation of power over others in terms of how economics operated the past century in this country, wherein some ‘main houses’ would stand as the property of the landowner in which many other people would work in, demonstrating the great disparity from rich/wealthy and the poor/slaves of the town. This type of buildings represent the way to set the mark of ‘who rules in the land’ – probably no different to how a castle operates in feudalism – but at a ‘minor scale’ –  these constructions are called ‘Haciendas’ and this one was built probably around the end of the 19th century or so,  and it has been held as something we should be somehow ‘proud of’ too.

The reason why I disliked the place was mostly due to me as a little child reacting with lots of fear to the kind of parties that took place in there. I would see how lots of money would be spent on alcohol, animals were sacrificed for the food of the day, lots of people would come in, politicians and people I had to greet as ‘my family’ without having ever seen them in my life, causing then an aversion to family reunions. Also at the same time there were some rumors of the place being haunted, which as a child gave me the creeps all the way, and essentially tainting the whole experience of having to go there to family reunions, reacting with lots of fear – later on as I grew older it became something that I was a bit ‘proud of’ when understanding what such place represented, as well as indulging in the alcohol drinking that was absolutely ‘normal’ for family, even as a young child.

 

 

Well, the dream was located in that place – or at least a representation of it, I would see the people I have associated to that place – some relatives – and how I would see them as ‘evil’ somehow. Of course when I was a child I did not question how one gets to have such amount of money to buy such a place and have political positions in a small town in this country, so it simply became as ‘normalcy’ to me, even a point of pride somehow and that’s where it all converges.

 

In the dream, I had on my head horns, like a goat’s skull with its horns, and I would actually see the skull on top of my head with blood. Usually when I dream about blood it triggers something within me which I have identified as the ‘killing of life’ that we are all participating in it. However the symbolism within this is quite clear: horns in my mind association stand for ‘evil’ and me having ‘this’ on top of my head when getting to this place, indicates the associations toward the place, the people, some hidden associations I’ve held onto as well as disliking in general being there. I would see some mental patients around the place which  I have no idea what about them but they were.

 

So what comes up, first of all the fright, the shock to see such thing on top of my head and me trying to take it off, yet I wasn’t able to, which made me feel horrified. In a way we can say that we all have blood in our hands, we all carry these ‘horns’ on top of us as the result of who we are/ have been since the beginning of time: the manifestation of evil that destroy life, yet fear to face it as such. I realize that I have personally linked that particular family lineage to a relationship of both pride and honor but at the same time of resisting to get to know ‘how’ they actually got that power, how they got to that position, and how they have mismanaged the money, how they have had many children due to the money they have, how they have business related to alcohol, how there have been various accidents related to alcohol yet continue to consequent such behavior as normal. And so within this, how I was dragged along the line of ‘having respect to them’ because of being family.  And here I have to say that it’s not like I ‘dislike them’ or ‘like them’ consciously, but it is about opening up the ‘hidden layers’ that exist around this point not only for myself as an individual within this particular family-configuration, but as humanity wherein one way or another – no matter who or what were our ancestors, we have all been the consequential outflow of having been driven by our minds, a system that thrives through abuse, the abuse of life in order to ‘live.’ I see that no one really has had any ‘clean past’ in terms of what our parents, and their parents and their parents of their parents did, so we cannot claim sanctity one way or another: we’ve all been here for ever and cannot claim that we did not participate in what is here today.

I realize that subconsciously I’ve held onto such disdain for what I have deemed as ‘unacceptable behavior’ from relatives, however I realize that remaining with such ‘hidden scorn’ or ‘mixed emotions’ between honor, respect – which were mostly ‘taught’ onto me – and the unveiling of ‘what was really going on’ has made me rather keep the point ‘separate’ from me as to ‘not have to deal with it.’ So this is why I see that the whole set up was to me rather ‘shocking’ in order to realize that in my dream I was trying to hide from them, and at the same time wanting to take of this piece of skull with blood off my head, but I couldn’t, not until they found me and I had to face them, which is quite obvious in terms of how we hold onto things because of ‘not wanting to face them,’ instead of realizing that if we dare to face it, we can actually let go of the point and face the ‘over-mystification’ that happens in the mind, that takes more energy and attention than if we were to simply face it, let it go and equalize ourselves to the people, the places, the situations we have held so many resistances and reactions to.

Another point is that: I am not separate from them, and that whatever ‘sins of the fathers’ I saw myself as separate from: I am one and equal to them as well.

 

(For the reader: various ‘dimensions’ open up here so bare with me as there are various associations linked to the set-up of the dream, so it’s best for me to look at them all here so as to clear the whole point, even if it may seem like ‘jumping’ from point to point at times)

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my dream react with fear when seeing that I was holding these ‘horns in my head’ along with blood, and how I was unable to ‘take them out’ right away until I had faced the family I was ‘running away from/hiding from’ in that hacienda, wherein I realize that I haven’t wanted to face this particular part of myself, my family, my ‘forefathers’ which are people I know very little from, yet in terms of how I have judged what I have come to know of them in public sources, by being with them has made me create a certain disdain toward them that I’ve harbored in a ‘background’ manner, since I got to know more about structures of power, money, and the connections created with politics, which also was another reason why I had ‘loathed politics’ in the past, due to witnessing and knowing of how these relationships take place in what I have judged as ‘lavish’ meetings where there is a huge use (judgment: squandering) of food, and alcohol and entertainment in order to demon.strate a social-status, power, and within this, create more networks of power and influence over the majority.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in a covert manner enjoy the benefits, the experience of being part of that one family with certain ‘name’ around a certain region as this made me feel ‘important’ or with certain ‘relevance’ ‘above the majority,’ which indicates that I was the one that created the whole experience that I projected onto others as ‘what they are/what they experience’ without realizing I created this experience toward the people, toward the place by judging it, associating certain knowledge and information – and when realizing how ‘wrong’ it was to desire or enjoy the benefit of having certain position in society, I went to the complete opposite to condemning all forms of power abuse, politics and such due to the basic witnessing of how that takes place when money is ‘not a problem’ and used only for the benefit of a few, while it was rather obvious that the entire place, the people working in there were not ‘at the same level’ and so witnessing first hand how inequality ‘looked like’ when you are ‘at the top’ and have people serving for you.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and sad about the people I would see working in there, witnessing the abundance of food and drinks and luxury given away for a few hours while them having to resort to only ‘being the workers’ for such place, for such people, which is how I started questioning why the hell only a few can have this kind of benefits  – and within this create an inner conflict about it in terms of what looks good, what feels good within me, but judging it as wrong and detrimental to people and as such, because I veiled myself from seeing the ‘bigger picture’ at that stage, I simply decided to ignore that realization I have had, about power, about politics, about who benefits and instead only create an avoidance to all of it, as well as a way to not want to recognize that I liked the idea of being able to have ‘such power’, but, in the mind we go into reactions as to not have to face our responsibility to it, and instead we usually become victims to our own experience.

 

I realize that I can only judge something when being separated from it, when believing that  it is ‘them’ and ‘others’ doing right/wrong things, without realizing that I am both sides of the coin, and that judging it and separating myself from it create no solution to it at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of being ‘ashamed’ in the dream for having these horns on my head with blood, and not being able to take them off, because I didn’t want to see me with such thing in my head, nor did I want others to see me with that either – which is revealing how this is something I had to face, walk through, self-forgive as to no longer be ashamed or try and deny my experiences toward positions of power, when seeing abundance of money, when being benefited in any way by any position of power, which made me then create the polarity of ‘I like it’ and ‘I enjoy it’ even if it’s only for a few hours, and then go into judgment about it, inner conflict and mostly not wanting to have anything to do with ‘them’ because of any associations with power/abuse that it may bring. Therefore I see that I created my own ‘friction and conflict’ based on memories, definition, information that I took personal an defined myself in relation to it, when in fact it only serves as a point of reaction within my mind.

Therefore, I continue to see what else is in it.

 

I realize that we have all as human beings have participated in abuse, in one way or another, and how we all in fact carry such ‘horns with blood’ in our head as the symbol of the evil nature that we all are in fact, the blood as the sacrifice of life for our benefit, and we all carry this ‘sin’ within us until we are able to self-forgive and directly create solutions that prevent these ‘sins of the fathers’ from repeating over and over again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever see any family member with disgust or disdain or plainly fear them as a child, not really knowing the reason why other than hearing certain deeds that I knew were not ‘beneficial’ for themselves or others, including the massive procreation of people as a result of the power and ‘recognition’ they held, which also I have held as a relationship of disgust and shame, mostly – without realizing that that is what someone with certain power eventually ends up doing: abusing it, misdirecting it without measuring consequences, and this entire world is the result of us abusing each other in one way or another for that matter, so judging these individuals due to ‘them being related to me’ has more to do with ‘me not wanting to be associated with abuse’ and that’s the reason why I didn’t want to see me with this piece of skull with blood over my head, yet it would only ‘come off’ once I would face the people I was hiding from in the dream: the generations that have gone before us.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having wished coming from noble people that are ‘honest’ and ‘trustworthy’ not realizing that this was only for my own benefit, of being ‘immaculate’ which is impossible considering who and what we have always been as humanity in this world, wherein most likely no one has such immaculate origin, as no matter ‘where we come from’ or ‘who is our family’ we are all equally responsible for the atrocities in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be horrified, ashamed, fearful of having such ‘horns with blood’ in my head in my dream as what I have defined is a symbol to realize that I also carry that which I have judged others for, and avoided facing as myself too.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify a piece of skull and bones as horns as something ‘horrific’ along with blood, not realizing that I am composed myself of bones and blood – therefore I see the association of ‘horns’ as ‘evil’ and blood as something disgusting to look at, due to how horror films – which I don’t even watch but okay it’s part of the collective unconscious – uses blood as a symbol of horror, crime and so forth to generate fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the scenario in my mind of an experience of fear due to the place that I associated with that old hacienda where I have believed that there were ghosts or people haunting others, which is also why I held such an experience of fear about it as well, petrification in fact when it came to even thinking about having to ‘spend the night there’ which never happened, because I always threw tantrums in order to never stay there.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an extreme experience of fear when getting to this place because of knowing that there would be lots of alcohol available, therefore lots of people in a party-mode which I came to then resist due to not liking to see people becoming drunk and stubborn, as well as – on top of that – fearing the entities or ghosts I had heard of.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to dislike people that drink, and large amounts of people because of the extreme fear and even nervousness and anxiety that I would go through when getting to this specific place due to all the elements involved: lots of people, rooms filled with bottles of alcohol, lots of chatter and the myths and stories of the place being haunted.

 

I realize that as a child and being as usually afraid of everything as I used to, the idea of having to spend the night there was a nightmare to me, which I never did, but I would go to great lengths to make my parents leave the place so we could rather sleep at a hotel and not there, which is how I have in my mind connected all the points of fears toward that place specifically, linked to ‘the people’ in there and now I see that it’s only me in my mind how I have ‘mystified’ it all, and actually holding more energy in relation to the memory itself, how I remember it, how I defined my experience in there as a memory in itself, instead of realizing that it’s just a place, it’s just people and that the one experience of fear I had created in my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a kind of hatred toward drunk people, not realizing that I’ve been there myself as well and that I stopped because of living by a principle of doing what is best for all, but it is certain that I would have also become ‘my own worst nightmare’ if I had continued to drink, and do it as ‘normal’ as it is considered for family or the majority in society wherein alcohol is an ‘okayish’ thing to take/drink, which is absolutely unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the family business because of it being linked to alcohol and how I stand for ‘banning alcohol’,’ which had become a point of conflict when relating to my family, yet I’ve realized and actually walked the point wherein I stick to what I see is common sense and stand as it. Yet I realize I must stop any judgment that may still come through in relation to alcohol, as alcohol in itself is just a substance, it is the individuals that drink a lot of it that become a problem, and a danger to themselves and society.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go from pride to shame when it comes to the relationship with this family when I got to understand power, politics, relationships and how this was closer to me in the family than I expected – and as such created an ambivalent relationship of ‘liking’ the fact of having such background but at the same time, not wanting to be associated with it due to the relationships of abuse that are formed within such positions. However I realize that I can only judge this reality and others based on my own value systems, thoughts, knowledge and information which is then what I take responsibility for, as I cannot ‘change my background’ or my relatives, their businesses or anything like that – I focus on myself and what I am, and instead work on stopping and eradicating any form of subtle judgment toward anyone in any position of power or the opposite as poverty/disempowered.

It is within me stopping this sectarianism within myself that I begin the change within me first, by stopping defining people according the structural abuse of the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of my past, and within that holding on to judgment, beliefs, ideas and perceptions as well as my own reactions as part of ‘how I see myself in relation to relatives’ from this specific family, the place and all of it becoming ‘more than what they are’ in my mind, because it’s certain how our memories become the instrument to ‘haunt us’ meaning to cause reactions and re-live the initial experiences of that moment, without realizing that we are here in the moment, physically in another space-time and that it is pointless to continue categorizing, judging, identifying and labeling people, places, circumstances according to how I reacted to them in the past – I take full responsibility for my reactions and ensure I let go of the ‘haunting’ experience which is only of benefit to my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to judgment toward others and certain relatives based on how I have deemed them to be toward each other, themselves as ‘abusive’ without realizing that within this I am only holding on to the ‘negative’ to be judged instead of rather also looking at what I can learn from others that is of benefit for everyone, as I see that I tend to be a tad extremist when it comes to painting something/someone either white or red. Within this, I see that instead of judging all that is ‘bad’ or ‘wrong,’ I rather investigate further to see what I can learn from them/others that is beneficial for myself and all, and apply it to my own life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create such a tantrum at that time with my parents just because of not wanting to stay in that place in fear of ‘having ghosts lurking around.’ I realize that as a child, I allowed fears to absolutely drive me to also lure others into doing what I wanted them to do based on my fears to, for example, not stay at a certain place due to potential ‘ghosts’ coming out at night.

 

I realize that I allowed myself to believe many stories, many ideas about spirits, ghosts and other paranormal phenomena which in turn became a constant fear within me as a child, which I held onto until the time when I got to know there were no more ghosts, spirits and so forth, which is only 6 years ago due to finding about Desteni.

 

San Bartolomé del Monte - Hacienda

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold any judgment, idea, perception toward others as family members that I could create an experience of shame or avoidance to be linked to, as this only perpetuates self definitions according to ‘who I am’ in terms of being part of a particular family, holding a particular name, which is only how we have constructed the system – yet in reality: we all are equally related to one another, as we are in fact one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for being part of humanity which has been a point that emerges from time to time when witnessing the abuse we impose toward each other and everything around us, not realizing that everything that we are is ourselves and so, every abuse that is ‘committed by others’ is in fact committed by ourselves too – we have been the evil in this world, and this is why I relate the horns upon my head as a representation of how I have also participated in this, I have also formed part of the atrocities that I associate the skull with horns upon my head as the representation of who I am in the mind, evil as the reverse of live/life, and as such the reaction to realizing ‘I am also part of it/it’s upon me’ is unnecessary yet for the dream being a way to realize that I cannot ‘separate’ myself from it.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘hide’ from consequence, hide from having to face what I first created a ‘taste’ for such as alcohol or the taste of bits of what I defined as ‘power’ and ‘social recognition’ above the majority, and create an avoidance toward it later, not wanting to see it as part of what was going to ‘shape’ me and who I am, and what I like and what I’m supposed to be proud of – not realizing that this is absolutely nothing to be taken personal, it is where I was born just as any other thing or person is defined within this system – and even if my core family wasn’t rich or having these privileges as those relatives did – at their time – the notion of ‘being recognized’ or having ‘certain power’ did create a likeness for it initially within me, which I later on veiled and covered up because of not wanting to face my own participation in the ‘taste for power’ linked to specifically higher status in society, which I have also disclosed in previous blogs extensively, the polarity of desiring power/ loathing power and how to correct it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge elitism and inequality, yet I create such conditions every time that I define people according to the amount of money/power/status they hold, and how I also participate in it in my mind when judging anyone based on money/power/status – without realizing that this that I have defined as ‘evil’ – being money, power, social status – is something I also participate in and require in order to ‘live’ within the set up in this system, therefore I stop holding judgment toward what is here, the hierarchical levels, the forms of structural violence that exist in our hierarchical society – as I realize that we will only stop these definitions once that we recognize equal value as the recognition of who we are as equals.

 

In the dream, I was only able to take the horns off after I had faced them, after they found me because I was deliberately wanting to hide from them. So it means that I can only take off the horns is when I have dared to face this experience that I had been harboring within me, without realizing that: the more I avoided looking at it, talking about it, writing about it and clearing myself around this point, I would only be holding on to it as the polarity of like/dislike, what I enjoyed at some point in my life and how I am correcting myself to not ever fall for what I deem is the corruption that comes along with power, and with this stop the cycles of abuse that have existed throughout our history as humanity.

 

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that these specific relatives had to abuse in order to obtain such power – without realizing that even if it was so, me holding on to such judgment doesn’t change the facts, the past, what has been done – and also within this not to try and now hold on to this ‘myth’ of there being some kind of ‘good doer’ in the same family that was ‘stealing from the rich to give to the poor’ as a way to redeem myself and want me to be directly linked to that person because ‘oh he was a good doer and wanted to bring social justice in early 20th century’ which is just creating the polarity of wanting to be associated with the ‘good ancestors’ and avoid anything related to what in my mind I have defined as ‘evil or bad’ ancestors.

The truth and reality is that all of it were designs, were placements, were roles that had to exist to create the entirety of the system as is: of rich and poor, of abuse, of power and enslavement – and within this, I realize that I have been a product in and of this entire system, regardless of my direct lineage or family – I realize that an individual has the opportunity and the gift of self forgiveness no matter how ‘evil’ or ‘bad’ or ‘good’ they’ve been, and that’s what I see is mostly relevant: to let go of the fear to face the evil we have become, to face the crimes against ourselves and all living beings in this Earth for our self-interest, for power, for money, for status, etc. And in this we can liberate ourselves, free ourselves from ‘the sins of the fathers’ and ensure that we ourselves, myself, do not fall ever again for traits that come with the illusion of power that can only exist as abuse within the context of this system we are and live in at the moment.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements and Commitments:

 

When and as I see myself being ashamed of carrying the ‘horns of evil’ metaphorically speaking, when realizing where and how we have contributed to the problems, the abuse in this world –  I stop and I breathe – I realize that going into shame or avoidance to look at it only leaves us as victims once again of what is already done. Instead, I commit myself to stand within that realization, take into consideration the entirety of this world-system, see where and how I have directly participated in what is here, and no longer take these things personal, but instead walk through the shame, use the shame as a reminder that I can no longer re-crate the sins of the fathers, to recreate that which I came to first like and enjoy and then loathed and avoided as a polarity construct in my own mind.

 

I realize that holding on to shame based on my own memories, judgments, ideas, beliefs and perceptions around any individual that I am related to directly as ‘family’ is useless to keep, as the shame itself creates and recreates the definition that I hold toward ‘them.’

 

I commit myself to stop any form of shame and avoidance that exists within me when looking at the things, the consequences we have created as humanity as this only recreates a mind experience about it, and does nothing to solve it – therefore,

 

I commit myself to transform the shame, the avoidance of looking at something into an opportunity to equalize myself with that, so as to understand it, to place it into context, to see what can be done  in relation to preventing, correcting, aligning relationships that have enabled this abuse

 

I realize that we will face the real nature of ourselves and that being ‘horrified’ by it, by seeing our direct implication onto it makes no difference to what is already done – therefore

When and as I see myself being ever horrified at looking at the consequences we are generating as human beings on Earth, I stop and I breathe – I realize that being ‘shocked’ at what I/we create every day – directly or indirectly – does no change, creates no solution to such problems and situations. Therefore

 

I commit myself to stop participating in any emotion of shame, horror, disgust, avoidance, disdain when seeing, understanding and/or witnessing how we directly impact the world, how we directly abuse ourselves and each other – and instead commit myself to live self forgiveness, to not get ‘trapped’ in the experience and wanting to ‘run away from it’ or ‘take it off of my head’ metaphorically speaking – but instead, face it, be willing to walk through it in order to establish solutions, realizing as well that it is only when we dare to face the true nature of ourselves that we can then get to understand why we are in the condition we are in our world and reality and as such, within understanding, and no longer judging it, one can create solutions.

 

I commit myself to no longer be ashamed of or want to hide from people that I wish I was ‘not related to,’ without realizing that this would imply holding on to shame toward all of humanity and myself, as I am part of everything and everyone as well – therefore I let go of the judgment and instead walk in self-forgiveness, stopping any reactions and separation toward all that is here as myself.

 

I commit myself to stop fueling my own ‘myths’ and mystifying people and places only for the sake of entertaining past memories of certain experiences that serve no purpose to who I am here and as such, I let go any definition toward my own memories as ‘haunting’ and instead, focus on living here, every moment, being self directive.

 

I realize that it can be a bit shocking at times when we get to see how we/others behave, what we/others do in terms of creating consequence in our reality and why it is that we ‘do it’ and so the ‘shock’ comes from not being able to ‘compute’ about the crimes against we have all – equally – committed against life, against ourselves. And this is why I suggest educating oneself about the nature of who we are and have become as the mind, as these consciousness systems that in no way have considered life, the reality and the substance of who and what we really are. Therefore, every form of ‘evil’ in this world, every word, thought or deed that doesn’t benefit us all as equals, is the reality that we have created in un-awareness of who we are as one and equal, and as such, we stand up, we face it, we direct and establish solutions to prevent the problems and align what’s already here to the benefit of everyone in equality, beginning with myself.

 

DSC00638

 

To stop judging the world as ‘evil’ and start living:


322. Deconstructing the Root of All Evil

The dissolution of Power as Inequality and Greed will be done through Education, this is the first step and pivotal point to set the foundation for change in our world system, and this process has to be differentiated from any previous attempts to do so with no success, since the intellectualization of humanity only set moral codes for the Belief in Knowledge as a means to progress and better the living conditions in our society; but money was forgotten along the way of such ‘evolution’ that was only available for some, and an intellectual elitism is created from the restricted  access to such education, which has been a constant variable that determines humanity’s well being according to countries/ culture/ race, wherein only the ruling elite or religious authorities get the education they require according to the role and position they would become in society,which perpetuated the hierarchical system we’re existing in, proving that Education as the basic aspect toward creating an Equal society has not been considered at all,  until now.

 

Continuing from:

307. CapitalismUS: Pursuit of Happiness

308. Might Makes Right: CapitalismUS

 

 

Problem                                                              

For Equality to Exist, the dissolution of this hierarchical system must take place:

“Self Interest and Greed have to be removed from every participant in this world scheme. How? Mandatory immunization?”

A reply to Kirill Nenartovich at Quora 

Greed as a desire for more is intertwined with and as the ‘nature’ we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be and exist as in our mind. Within the mind we always seek to earn more, have more and continue seeking for more after one has enough – however this ‘Moreness’ is the result of giving value to things on a monetary basis and on an experience basis, which means that we’ve linked consumption with a feeling of satisfaction, completion, wholeness which is a temporary energetic fix as an Experience that we learn to continually seek and cultivate as an aspect of our identity, the ‘who we are.’

If we were in fact or genuinely only physical beings without having a desire for such experience, we would have not created the system we currently have where we transformed money as the representation of our desire for more, the accumulation of power as a means for security, more than a mere tool for trading and supporting ourselves to obtain the necessary means we require to live – this means that we accepted our desires for power to be equated to our own creation as what money is and has become, the ‘key’ to obtain virtually anything we want that we’ve made salable through our magical powers to convert everything into a commodity. This power over matter is what became the modus vivendi of the economic man that existed even before Adam Smith –again, theories and people are just points of reference wherein we tried to understand what the human mind was in fact existing-as all along, with no conclusive result which is measurable in our world of such problem being solved.

When we accepted this ability to obtain, consume, hoard, store as ‘wealth,’ as a vantage and superior ability/position when compared to others, we accepted a system originally created for trade and mutual benefit to become a legal mechanism for control and legitimization of power in itself as a recognized form of order and authority. This is to give context as to why and how people  have integrated this ‘ability to have more’ as part of our ‘instincts’ which is not really an ‘instinct’ but a mechanism with which we could justify the experience one has when having more power than others/ having control over others and develop concepts to justify the experience as a ‘good feeling,’ such as your usual American dribble of freedom, democracy, individualism and pursuit of happiness, while in fact it was only positive experience, a mind association that became a facade imposed onto an actual evil: supporting a system wherein a minority could obtain and rejoice in such ‘moreness’ and ‘power’ by all legal means and a minority could remain stuck, tied and bound to a lesser position in economic, political and social terms, wherein lacking money means lack of education and decision making ability or participation in the system, which equates you to being a slave in a lower-to-middle class environment with no say upon the decisions that our representatives make other than voting on every electoral term, holding the belief that things ‘will change’ this time, which is even hard to write out and not realize to what extent we have fooled each other in our so-called democracy at the moment.

So, this is the set up in which we are born into and grow up and live in, where the belief that having more will make you better, more powerful, wiser, have the greatest quality living you want, all the luxuries, the American dream as promoted during the 1930’s and still ongoing with even harsher and more radical means to instill desires at a higher potency of course, since that’s what progress is all about: making it more comfortable to remain as a ‘Walking Desire’ that’s never fulfilled than becoming an empowered individual that can turn around the tables and question such ‘pursuit of happiness.’

As children, we get imbued within this context wherein you see the possibility of having a ‘rich man’s lifestyle’ with all the power, all the money, the luxury and comfort that you see on magazines, on TV and wish to have ‘the same as them,’ to feel special and important, unique. This becomes a general fixation by mere Awareness of what is possible in your society – because others have it, then it Must be possible for me as well – yet at the same time, being aware of the opposite extreme of ending up homeless, going from shelter to shelter, eating scraps and surfing through garbage containers to sell some aluminum cans to make it through the day. Obviously, one fears ending up in that ‘bad experience’ and avoid it at all cost, but we don’t question it, we just fear it, we fear ending up in the street and being that man that you see is eating someone else’s leftovers – or even worse, having to steal to make some money and then ending up caught in the desire for more as well, facing jail or any other punishment for not having enough to live, which should be considered a crime against authorities, not the ‘robber.’ 

Fearing lack is what drives the desire for power. And obviously, because we’ve made such Lack acceptable, this is what sets the foundation for every single person to consider that we have to do ‘all we can’ to be well prepared to ‘make it in the world.’ Children then become these little troopers that must ‘make it through’ and ‘strive’ for their lives against others to get to the highest position, which will be seen as ‘successful,’ instead of seeing it as the actual covered-up abuse and violation of another’s right to have the same abilities and capacities as well, which denotes  how the system has been set up where some are ought to win and some lose by default.

 

As we grow up, we adopt our parental fears of lacking money, ending up with nothing and ‘being a nobody,’ which becomes then an unconscious drive to always succeed, to always win, to not be left behind, to always ‘want more’ and become the wealthiest most powerful one, because it is an ‘available’ position within the system – yet, we are never told it is  actually impossible for every single person to get to such position, and how it is in essence a controlled rat race wherein the winning-prize is in fact never available for all. But, we keep ourselves in the race no matter what, because we don’t know anything better and we accept ‘the fact’ hat life is a struggle’ and we have to enter the competition, or our ‘drive to succeed’ or our ‘drive to be happy in life,’ but in fact it is fueled by Fear of ending up or remaining in the exact opposite side. We never questioned poverty, we just feared it and have done everything possible to teach our children to do the same, to look away from the man on the street and immediately make them think of something ‘positive’ to avoid them questioning that man’s poverty and condition. This is how we have Created the desire for more: fear of survival, fear of poverty and ultimately fearing death. How bizarre it is that our entire lives that we believe are being driven by genuine desires to be happy and free are in fact driven by fear of lack and death.

One really does not require theory to realize these basic mechanisms that are more empirical investigations from what is Currently existing as humanity representing the byproduct and accumulation of our history, wherein reading Das Kapital becomes only a reference as any other of multiple theories  and attempts to create a ‘more equal world’ that de jure sounded great, but de facto were never placed into application due to human nature being neglected as the actual source of the problem in our reality.

 


Solution                                                              

Education in an Equal Money System has the goal of giving each individual the support to discover their true passion and abilities, achieve a comprehensive understanding of how the world works and how to support life, and develop healthy relationships with themselves, others, and the world while playing an important part in maintaining a system that gives everyone the best Life possible on Earth. And – unlike in the current system – everyone will be Equally included in receiving such Support.

http://equalmoney.org/wiki/Education

 


The new education for a new world requires a complete overhaul of every basic meaning we have tainted our words with, this is clearly seen the moment that even our ‘appreciation’ toward reality and others implies a value imposed onto something/someone in means of creating a special bond to it, when in fact, such bond or appreciation only exists at a mind level in accordance to the notion of money as power that we have embedded within our money consciousness at the moment, which is not an equality relationship, but an unequal relationship driven by basic survival mechanisms of The Mind to obtain energy: fear and desire.

This is the first step required to understand Equal Money as well, through first educating ourselves as individuals, as parents specifically wherein Equality is realized not only as a quality of how we relate to each other, but as a realization of who we are as life itself that we can begin focusing on cultivating and developing this awareness to our children from the moment of conception and growth in the mother’s womb. This is a never before released educational program (See Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race) that has been launched this year and that we are already implementing and testing out for the first time in humanity. This will ensure that the new child is able to integrate the living understanding of ourselves as life in Equality and use words as a means to communicate, embody and live such principled realization according to the input that parents will represent as an example, as well as creating the necessary changes and environmental conditions in which the child will grow up in.

 

Obviously this will be a process of many years to create this definitive transition, but we have to begin somewhere and it is now that we are currently educating parents, or to-be parents to understand the importance of words, physical communication, and being an example of what it is to live by the principle of equality as ourselves. It would be far too lengthy to explain why, how, when, who in a simple answer here, the basic material has been applied by several people for around 6 years now demonstrating conclusive results in our ability to become self directive beings that, through understanding the mechanisms of the mind and its relationship, effects and consequences upon the physical body and this physical reality, we are able to realize what this ‘desire for more’ in fact means as an energetic-based survival mechanism of the mind, and how such ‘drive’ is the current ‘drive’ of our entire mind system based in hierarchy and polarization as a basic framework of lack and abundance wherein the individual is motivated to succeed, to have more, and seek for more through fear, becoming a solid and reliable battery for a system that only gives enough light – understood as comfort, benefits, luxuries, power – to those on the top.

So, through these Educational Programs, a child can grow up with a living understanding  – by the living example that the parents must become – that one can have sufficient to eat, to live well, to have the necessary means to have a stable family environment, education, healthcare, recreational activities, leisure, conviviality, and a general physical well being   in what we currently see is the standard of a  ‘comfortable and healthy lifestyle,’ which is currently only available for some. This will ensure the integration of a new basic BIOS or modus vivendi of the child, a constant, sound, reliable reality wherein there is no ‘fear of lack,’ scarcity, violence, abuse or having examples of poverty around to fear embodying in a future if not being a ‘good student’/ successful enough to get a proper job to ‘make a living’ in the system. That is the mindset of the past that we as individuals must contribute to eradicate within ourselves first and we must also pave the way at the same time.

 

This child in this environmental condition as a ‘default setting’ of what reality is and how everyone interacts with each other, will Not know/ will not integrate a perception and belief or Experience of what ‘having more’ implies, and will not know what ‘having less’ implies either; for him or her, the understanding that in order to maintain such harmony, stability  and functionality he/she has to contribute with their own work and attend to their responsibilities will be a natural thing, not a chore, not a duty, not a punishment that will seek a reward, or something they can pay another to do for them, or extort in a way to oblige others to do the work they don’t want to do – it will be a single acquisition, imprinting and integration of a physical directive principle to develop constructive habits that will ensure the child becomes an integral part of their environment where all individuals have equal rights and responsibilities, and adopts this as the only available and acceptable way of being and coexisting with others in society.  It is the same mechanism in which we have all adopted ideas of ‘having to succeed and fight against others to win’ but the other way around, and became ‘who we are’ and How we think, how we define ourselves, because that’s everything that we could see around us – family,school, media, other people in society.

Therefore there is a specific responsibility we all have within this, which is generating the necessary ways, means and conditions to first eradicate such polarization of power/lack and fear/ desire  from our reality to – slowly but surely -generate comfortable living conditions to every person through the establishment of policies like Equal Profit share are able to be implemented in our corporations and businesses alike, as well as generating jobs for everyone in activities that are currently side-viewed and not even considered ‘labor’ until now, which is regenerating the ecosystem, restoring and rehabilitating the environment we have abused, educating, constructing, developing new ways in which we can create a sustainable and ‘environmental friendly’ living conditions within the context of money no longer being a limitation, which is what we have denominated Equal Money Capitalism, a transitional process from the old world to the new world based on this economic, political and social reform that installs a basic principle in all aspects of our lives: Equality as Life.

There are Many dimensions to this in terms of all the aspects that must be aligned in order to create this, however it is certain that each individual has the capacity to contribute with their own lives to make it our reality.

 

Rewards                                                            

With this Education we deliberately integrate the living principle of equality within ourselves to always consider what is best for all, to give as one would like to receive, to cooperate with others to make of our reality a sustainable system, to honor nature as the life that it gives us, to enjoy a physical living expression that will no longer be taunted by ideals and images of ‘power’ and ‘wealth’ as we currently are taught to pursue in our family, schools and society, but instead follow living examples of what is possible when living is no longer only based on consumerism and a pursuit of happiness of a triumphant individualization through wealth and selective benefits, but instead based on the actual discovery of life that will be possible once out of our tunneled vision reality of fear and desires resulting on greed and hoarding as a synonym of happiness.

 

The cult of individualization will cease to exist as an external experience and instead, be lived as a constant well-being that exists when harmony between individuals is built in Self-Honesty as the realization of the value of Life that we all equally embody.

 

Greed and overconsumption will at last be understood and recognized as a mental condition that will be treated accordingly by specialists to align the self-interest patterns toward a common well being that will result in a sound living being that will learn how to coexist in an Equal basis with all other living species alike.

It is clear that the responsibility begins with educating ourselves and parents through providing this education, which we are already applying and living, as well as providing it for every person that is genuinely interested Stand Up and become a solution to create a world where life is valued as Life itself, as who we are in Equality.

 

 
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231. I’m Not like all of the Other Girls

 

Continuing from

 

Opposing My Roots implies that when we try and deny the influence we had from our parents and relatives and simply ‘form’ and shape ourselves according to the usual idea of ‘I will never be like my parents’/ ‘I will never repeat what they’ve done onto me’ and any other similar statement, we end up missing out a key aspect of self investigation like I have done in relation to looking at how and why I accepted certain ‘characteristics’ as who I am without realizing that there is no ‘who I am’ that was born out of nowhere. For that matters, I am the accumulation of everything that I have been, which includes everyone that has gone before me. This is how within this process as I walk my own patterns, I am also taking into account what others before me also became, ending up as a single generational fuckup that would repeat itself. Yes, it is a fuckup because through these ‘hereditary patterns’ I learned that it was okay for me to acquire either my mother or my father’s temperament, their habits and manias. So,it is so when it’s said that we become our parents eventually because we come from them, and we can’t deny our roots or we could then just pretend we were born out of nowhere and got this ‘arbitrary programming,’ which is not the case either.

We accepted the mind as who we are which is a representation of ourselves, our ‘true nature’ if you will but linked to specific patterns, habits, traits that are programmed to be having specific results out of the participation within them: Energy. And for the entire history of this, you can listen to the material at Eqafe for more explanations.

 

I’ll take one event and walk it through in order to see who I am within this memory and how I learned one of the various emotional reactions that I became used to present in my reality as a child, which is also an event I described some blogs ago.

 

Event: going out with my parents and sisters and getting ready to leave. My father is waiting for us at the entrance hall looking up the stairs to wait for everyone to come. Women getting ready to leave /fixing hair, clothes, makeup or anything else normal to do when going out, there’s noises of hair dryers, heels, lots of shuffling around and talking. I am near my father and ready to leave  – because I had discussed and realized through an entire mind construct how I was more ‘in tune’ with my father in order to oppose my mother and in a way also being more ‘responsible’ apparently for being ready when the time was here.

 

Fear Dimension:  Father getting angry for everyone not being on time

-Being like ‘any other woman’

 

Thought Dimension:  father standing on the entrance hall frowning and being quiet but angry inside

 

Imagination Dimension:
– Positive imagination as a
desire: everyone being always On time as scheduled and going all happy in the car

- Negative imagination as a fear: Having our ‘going out’ trip absolutely ruined, everyone in a bad mood, not talking and having a ‘hysteric’ father at the wheel.

 

Backchat:

- Why can’t they just Be On Time as Scheduled?

- They had to be women!

- I am ready, they are Not

- It’s their fault that my father will now be pissed off, they are the ones to blame

- I am not like them

 

Reactions:

- Negative: Mimicking the impatience, exasperation, building up anger as time goes by, becoming nervous and anxious about the possible outcomes

- Positive: pride and responsibility, readiness as in being the only one that’s ready.

 

Physical dimension:

Tensing up my upper chest, experiencing nervousness and anxiety in my solar plexus, stifle myself and move as less as possible  while waiting.

 

Consequence:

– Me tensing up every time I have to go out, rushing as well to get myself ‘on time’ while fearing that others might be ‘impatiently waiting for me’ or that I will miss something with it, ending up angry at myself for not being ‘perfectly on time’ and as such screwing up my self religion.

- Building up my self religion of ‘not being like all of the other girls/ women’

 

 

Here I write Self Forgiveness on the positive experiences of the event, this is only a series of points that are ‘surrounding’ this entire event to give more context to all the dimensions of which the event consists of, which is like looking at the basic conditions I imposed onto myself in order to have this pre-configured self experience in that moment of being waiting for my mother and sisters to come down and being there with my father waiting.

 

positive traits: being always ‘on time’ to be seen as a responsible one, being seen s as ‘I am not like every other girl, I don’t spend much time ‘getting ready’ to go out, gaining a point of preference from my father toward me, identification of characters with the usual ‘you are just like me’ (Read 103. Being efficient out of Fear! « and like father like son «

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rush through the process of getting ready within my internal battle against time which became a competition to be always ‘the first one that was ready’ compared to the other females at home, and in this, becoming anxious to get ready and be downstairs ready to leave wherein I would then consider this as a ‘prop’ for my character/ ego that was defined according to ‘being on time’ and pleasing my father with that

 

When and as I see myself rushing when getting ready to leave in order to satisfy my father and/or fearing him getting angry, I stop and I breathe. Instead of rushing, I consider the necessary time to get ready beforehand so that we can actually leave the place/ house as scheduled and I ensure that I do this breathing, here, being aware of my physical and allowing myself to relax my body through this process as I go breathing and direct myself to be there on the scheduled time, which is not a ‘race’ to fulfill but a timely-agreement in order for one or more people to meet/ go out as scheduled.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and keep up with my self-created belief of ‘being on time = being responsible’ as a positive experience within me, instead of realizing that being on time is simply agreeing to get to a certain place/ meeting on the agreed moment in order to meet another/ get to a certain scheduled activity and that in no way means it is a ‘positive experience’ as I see and realize that I have imprinted a positive experience out of actually fearing not being on time and within this, having acquired the belief that others will be pissed off/ impatiently waiting for me when not getting there on time, without realizing that this was all my own creation according to how I lived this ‘timely character’ at home whenever we agreed to leave the house at a certain time and fearing not being ready and making my father angry for that.

 

When and as I see myself rushing in order to be on time somewhere and getting this experience of anxiety to ‘be there on time,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the ‘being on time’ is stemming out of fear of Not being on time. Within this, I direct myself to schedule my physical activities in a way wherein I ensure that I am ‘on time’ as scheduled not to make it a positive thing like ‘Hey Look! I am on time here as I had said I would be” as a positive confirmation of the ‘timely character,’ but instead simply see it as a practical arrangement when meeting others, going to a scheduled event and bet there when it begins. And if for x or y reason I cannot make it on time for circumstances that are beyond my direction – traffic, having to direct something else beforehand due to it being important/ emergency, having forgotten something at home, etc.  – I breathe through it and commit myself to then take the necessary precautions to consider potential outflows if the meeting is too important, but if it is not, I simply stop worrying about ‘being late’ and direct myself to simply explain the situation to another  person without fearing them being ‘angry’ for having to wait.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience out of me being ‘always ready on time’ – apparently – which is also a personality trait that I’ve mostly cultivated within me based on comparison toward other females – sisters and mother at home – who would spend a lot of time getting ready to leave and within this, consider that I am ‘special’ because ‘I am not like them/ I don’t spend much time on my looks,’ which became another way to oppose the patterns at home of what a woman should be like, do, dress and do when ‘getting ready to go out,’wherein it became a cliché to know that ‘women spend a long time getting ready to go out,’ out of vanity – thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this ‘readiness’ as a positive experience when going out, out of fear of being seen as vain/ superficial for taking the time to look at myself in ‘how I look’ in the mirror which became part of the opposition character toward the women in my family and a point of ‘uniqueness’ that I created for myself such a ‘Look, I am Not like them, I am ready on time and I don’t give a fuck what people say about me’  – which was the usual stance I would take actually out of fearing that people would have to say something about myself/my looks when ‘going out.’

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when being ‘ready’ on time and being waiting for others as a point of superiority – I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to wait breathing here physically until everyone else is ready and if I’m alone then this simply won’t exist because I am ready when I am ready and that’s it.

I realize that I have created a personality of being on time and ready to leave/ ready to move/ do something based on a commonality of seeing others taking more time to do so, and as such defining ‘who I am’ based on what others would be doing and become everything that they were ‘not’ according to the patterns they presented to gain a point of specialness and even linking it to responsibility for being ‘on time’ and gain some props for my responsible character/ personality that is actually existent out of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be special/ unique as a woman for not taking too much time ‘getting ready’ to go out, wherein I then created this belief of ‘I am not like other girls/ women’ and as such, believe that this would be a preference by males because of having also witnessed how my sisters’ boyfriends would also have to wait for them every time that they would go out, and such define the entire thing of ‘getting ready’ as something ‘pathetic’ from females and within this promise that I would not be like that and that I would be then even more desired or wanted or satisfactory for a partner if I was always on time as scheduled, within this belief that males dislike having to wait for women to get ready to leave.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child and growing up, be the one that was always ‘ready’ and ‘on time’ as a way to be able to gain some preference/ recognition by my father in order to be seen as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ for not following the usual patterns of what a woman should be like/ act like/ do as ‘usual’ because I see, realize and understand that I became a character that would oppose all the patterns at home, specially from the women at home, within this belief that if I attuned myself to the male side, I would be able to be ‘loved’ by males for doing/being the way that they wanted a woman to be like, which became a pattern within me throughout my life in various other contexts.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to be ready and on time as a way to break the pattern/ paradigm of the amount of time a woman takes to ‘get ready to leave/ go out’ in order to be satisfying males specifically and be regarded as a ‘one of a kind woman’ – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to simply realize that being on time is a practical consideration that facilitates the activities and that’s it, a point of agreement that ensures everyone is ready to leave at a certain time, not meaning that everyone MUST be ready on time, but simply a single physical-time arrangement that I can breathe through as well whenever someone else is not ‘on time’ and then one can take practical measures like calling them up to see where they are and  as such not creating an entire character out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘readiness character’ toward others, specially females – wherein I would want to be seen as ‘special’ for being a woman and not taking that much to ‘get ready,’ which is also a self-religion and self-belief aspect, because all this readiness would be done within anxiety and fear of not being ready on time and be seen as ‘just another woman’ which I had deemed as a pejorative experience coming from myself from the view point as a male.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as superfluous and vain by nature, wherein I then did all I could to not play out the same characteristics that would define me as ‘vain’ and ‘superfluous’ without realizing that then every single positive experience I had when living out my self predicament of ‘I am not like all of the other girls’ I was in fact not making a self-directive decision to be on time or not focus too much on my looks, but was instead only focusing on ‘not being like other girls’ which then became my ‘trademark’ when it comes to defining ‘me’ as an ‘unusual woman’ which I thought would give props with males within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create an entire anti-woman character within the belief that this would make me popular with males and partners that I believed would also appreciate women not to take too long to go out, and also within this, fearing them getting angry for me not being ready and on time go out due to the experiences I have had at home.

 

When and as I see myself defining ‘who I am’ according to ‘not being like all the other women’ I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to focus on what I can physically direct, do and direct within the physical considerations of time and moving and being available to do so without any form of comparison or expectation toward others or myself fulfilling what I have projected onto others as an expectation toward myself. I take responsibility for stopping believing what others are ‘expecting’ of me and focus on moving and directing me in physical reality.

 

I realize that this ‘I am not like all of the other girls’ characteristic is seeking one thing: being special, being unique and even praised by males and females alike due to always ‘being on time’ and ‘ready’ and ‘breaking the patterns’ of what a woman should be like, which is all based on the positive imprint I placed on this characteristic as well as focusing on accumulating ‘positive credit’ for potential partners due to having observed how they had to wait for females to be ready and I believed them to be impatient or angry or irritated – which is my Own programming projected there – and as such seek the point of happiness for them as the woman being ready to leave/ being on time, and as such be even more liked or considered as ‘one of a kind’ as ego-specialness of the mind.

 

I realize that this positive experience that I would get out of ‘being on time’ was obviously stemming from fear and fear of being judged as ‘another woman’ which became a characteristic of my personality in order to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ at the eyes of others. Therefore it is plain to see how even a single point like ‘getting ready to go out’ can contain an entire network of characteristics that entail the entirety of ‘who we are’ according to how we want to be seen by others/ who we are toward others, which are the personalities we create toward specific people – or even gender based in this case – in order to define ‘who I am’ as superior to others.

 

I commit myself to focus on breathing, moving physically whenever I am gong out with other beings and simply be on time as scheduled as a practical consideration. I breathe through having to wait for others, I breathe throughout the process of getting ready myself and be there when the time was agreed by others as well.

 

I commit myself to when going out or even foreseeing that I will be going out/ traveling etc. I breathe through the process of gathering everything required, taking a moment for myself to get dressed, take all the necessary things required and not judge any of my moves during this process or get anxious about it, as I see and realize that I will move/ leave when I simply physically ‘leave’ lol and that there is no need to create a character of rushing through it to be ‘on time’

 

This is a cool point to see how everything we believed was in fact a ‘positive aspect’ within ourselves stems out of a negative that we avoid, which is the basic consideration when looking at all the ‘positive experiences’ we’ve created and believed ourselves to be, and take responsibility to see how even if we copied mechanisms from our parents, we Became our characters due to our own participation in our own mind-assessments of what’s good/ bad or positive/ negative according to Self-Interest as it can be read here. Who we are can be simplified to being physically here, self directive and as an efficient being that is not measuring this efficiency according to some personality props, but simple self-directive will.

 

- This will continue with the following dimensions within this event, which is one single ‘branch’ of an entire series of traits that I will be walking in relation to the personalities I created toward people in my family that I simply sought to ‘oppose’ as a general characteristic within my self-religion of ‘who I am’ toward others in my world.

 

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210. Not Having Money Makes You Sad– but Why?

 

One thing is certain, when one is educated to follow through a particular ‘lifestyle’ based on having money and seeking for More money, even if taking an apparent dissident position do we in fact let go of such benefits that we’ve been used to living in. This is based on how as human beings we seek for the point of happiness in our lives in various ways, influencing our decisions in life only to realize after a while how we’ve made decisions based on Energy and Experience instead of physically informing ourselves of the potential outflows, projecting a possible result and outcome of our decisions if living our desires, wants and needs out. Unfortunately, this world is based on the immature consciousness decision-making aspect of ‘follow your dreams’ and within that, always constantly seek for the happiness point, the ‘high’ on life. which is then obviously seeking to get the most of a certain moment in order to feel better about ourselves. As we can see, there is no All as Equals considered in these equations or schemes, it is just a personal desire to fulfill that which we were taught to fulfill: happiness, joy, satisfaction, escalating social status, getting the most influential friendships in order to succeed in this world.

 

I have shared before how my days of having ‘bad times’ when I was a child – around 8-10 years old approximately –  we simply had not as much money as before or have enough to go out to eat our out to ‘buy stuff’ and the regular ‘happy times’ that I had identified with ‘having money.’ To me such austerity measures meant sadness and gloomy times. I guess that part of my life when my father had severe financial troubles was the one that ‘marked’ me the most while growing up, having the uncertainty of for example, suddenly being able to lose it all, lose the house that we own, barely making it through every week, etc. And that’s also the time when I questioned ‘god’ the most and the spiritualist support we were supposed to have, like ‘why’ did this fraud happened to him? Why are we being tested? What is the purpose of being through this turmoil? What type of ‘karma’ are we paying here? And the same went on as there was a great robbery in his business which was like just another bomb being dropped in our financial stability. So, all that worry and concern about money affected me quite a Lot, I mean, that’s probably the time wherein I strived the most to ‘be like others’ and comparing my social status to other people’s and it was coincidentally enough around puberty – it was until my early teens that we got to a point of ‘betterment’ and things stabilized.

 

However, the questions remained: why did we had such unfortunate times? And this must be understood within the context of me simply losing the aspects that I had defined as part of the ‘good things’ in my life, like being able to go out and eat in a restaurant, being able to buy cd’s  or clothes – but most importantly the general experience of ‘being alright’ which certainly was non existent as things turned quite gloomy at home for not having much money, having a constant uncertainty about our future, our properties, having legal problems as well as a desire for revenge toward the person that committed the fraud. Man, that’s where I learned how human beings can really justify evil talk because of someone doing something to you. Obviously I won’t disclose the words I would hear, but all I can say is that such desire for revenge was covered up with a sense of justice. I could not fathom it and even if I wanted to support my family I could still not experience that desire for revenge for whatever were the reasons that man committed the fraud against my father. I learned then about debts and having debtors, lol till this day I remember the names of the people because my father would mention them a lot and cursing while speaking about them of course, I mean yes they owed him lots of money and they all lead us through a financial turmoil, and it was as if ‘our happiness’ then had been stolen from us by ‘them’ – although as everything, it takes two to tango:  there were also measures not taken from my father’s side to avoid such situations. The problem back then was: he trusted people easily. Bad Idea.

 

Now, why am I exposing all of this – to see how everything that I have defined as bad, negative, awful, stressful and general gloomy time of my life was linked to Not having money – or not having ‘as much as’ we used to or perceived that we had before that, and how seeing my father in a constant state of worry and concern lead me to mimic his experience. I became quite uncertain myself, like ‘insecure’ as the entity of ‘money as power’ was not ‘here’ as part of my personality, as the overtly joyful kid that I was. I became more quiet and isolated at that time as well. So, I was quite aware of how much the lack of money can affect you in your ‘beingness’ to the point of just feeling like some scum of the Earth. Oh dear, I remember, this was the time wherein I created a massive self-rejection and wanting to ‘not exist any longer’ because that would mean ‘less expenses’ for my father – I had completely forgotten about this, I wanted to at some point even write it out like deciding that only 4 people were enough in my family and that I simply did not have to exist as my school’s tuition fee would then be saved as well as my food and everything else. These were actual thoughts I had for quite a while, and never really told anyone about it either. I was quite a young child and ‘wanting to help’ – though obviously I was only really victimizing myself further instead of seeing any real form of solution.

 

From then on, I became the ‘austerity measures’ character if you will, always seeking the lowest prices, creating the ‘least expenses’ for my own survival and generally belittling myself to the ‘I’m not worthy of this’ type of experience, which later on became part of myself as a personality in itself, how fucked up is that? This can be the origin of it as well as some physical comparison/ image presentation comparison points/ aspects that I began becoming more aware of as I went growing up, which were blatantly quite obvious to me: rich people were the beautiful people. All of this signifies one thing: money and looks determined how I would FEEL and how I would See myself. It became quite obvious that not having much money and not having what I perceived as perfect looks meant being ‘less than’ and all the inferiority complex kicked in – hence isolation, hence believing that I was just a nuisance and an equivalent to ‘money expenses’ only, a burden, hence my desires to just not be such a nuisance any longer, I really would over-react and be quite extremist in my self-experience which is part of that which is in the past but still here, as I would see a similar character emerging in a place wherein I was being supported and becoming extremely anguished and stressed out when knowing there were financial problems, making the problem the totality of ‘who I am’ and going into this downward spiral almost automatically, not wanting to be a burden , going into sadness due to how I defined my ‘beingness’ according to having money.

So, this is for now the background that I have laid out as part of the counter act to the elitist character which is: suddenly losing all these benefits and going into a ‘recession’ at home, as well as the crisis that I became very aware of in the second half of the 90’s, not only at home but generally in our country, getting to see people that apparently had even gotten cancer out of not being able to pay for their houses and realizing to what extent money defined our ‘well being’ in all ways, fucked up beyond measure. And so, I will continue with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application in the Following posts.

Support the Equal Money System so that any form of ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ in our reality are not an aspect that defines  who we are and how we live and experience ourselves, but becomes a living certainty of being supported from birth to death until we Die. That’s the law of our being that must be implemented in this world.  No more survival mode  – Support Life in Equality.

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157. Wishing Well as Self Interest

Prayer as the Good doer character.

And the word in relation to ‘Good’ and ‘doing good’ is impair. And the first memory that popped up was how from the first day of school, we – my mother, my sisters and I, would pray ‘Our Father’ on our way to school which was the one and only daily approach I had toward the particular idea of ‘god’ as ‘our father.’ What’s peculiar about this is that we would add a few more verses wherein we would specially thank ‘god’ for taking care of ourselves and giving us food to eat – and the very last line was something along the lines of ‘and we specially ask you to take care of fill in the blank with impaired person/ problematic situation’ and this was usually the ‘awareness’ point of the day with regards to for example, some family member that was sick or having financial difficulties, mostly health problems and at the very end: ‘and for the children that have nothing to eat.’ And this is quite shocking now that I see it, how after thanking and praying/ honoring this almighty force at the very end we would pray for poor people, sick people, starving children = the impaired ones. And the feeling that I remember of this was a constant ‘ingrained’ sadness whenever we would remember about ‘the impaired ones’ in our prayers, while seeing such reality on the streets and once again, me just sitting comfortably next to my mother on her car and having a ‘cool life’ while believing that I was somehow a Good person because ‘Hey, at least I pray every day for Everyone’s well being, including those that have no money and no bread to eat every day.’

And within this, I can see the conflict toward poor people as a negative experience within me toward them – meaning experiencing sadness, sorrow and powerlessness – yet, I would also create an experience of compassion as a way to pretend that I care, but as we know: feeling bad, sorry and praying for ‘poor people’ changes nothing at all in this world. It in fact only exists as a ‘good-doer’ personality wherein we believe that we are somehow reaching ‘god’ through giving a shout out for people that have no money to live well, instead of ever pondering how it is that such people are deliberately left to starve or live on the streets and even worse, they have become part of the statistics that measure the economical development of a country.

 

Yes, I was probably only 4-5 years old when this routine began and probably ended when I was probably 11 or so. It was ‘the’  prayer, the only prayer we would do as that was given by Jesus and not the rest of the ‘blatant liars’ that  I was taught the church as institution was. So, I’d probably have to walk my relationship to Jesus at some point, and all the absolute draining experiences I would get whenever the ‘holy week’ would come and all these movies about his life simply saddened me a lot, while at the same time astonishing me in a way that was quite peculiar to relate to.  I guess that the relationship toward ‘those that killed Jesus’ as evil was realized in such movies, to what extent humans could be so vile to do all of that, and at that age one cannot really ‘fathom’ the whole thing – and it is certainly only now that we realize how we have ALL been the ones that crucified Jesus as the representation of the physical being nailed by the mind that drains the physical to live. A shocking story? Yes, more than any horror movie flick, really, because we’ve lived this/ embodied this without ever even been able to see/ realize or understand how we have always been silently killing us ‘softly’.

 

how such prayers can actually be conducted in a way wherein it becomes like a broken record, even though I used to imprint what I mimicked from my parents as  ‘faith and devotion’ toward that moment of the day which was ‘solemn’ in all ways – it was just 2 minutes of our day dedicated to ‘god,’ and that was the closest I got to religion throughout childhood, at least the catholic one – teenage years, another story as I went into a Jesuit school where the ‘good doer’ character will be very interesting to walk now that I see. For now, let’s walk the initial imprint of prayer as ‘doing good.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that praying as in saying words to wish for another’s ‘well being’ was in fact doing something ‘good’ to them, instead of realizing how within praying I was only creating a positive experience in relation to ‘thinking of others’ which is precisely what prayer is, just thinking, wishing and hoping for something or someone to ‘fix the problem’ toward and for those that we ‘include in our prayers,’ without ever questioning why it is that if there was ‘benevolent god,’ there was no ability to create solutions for those ‘in need’/ impaired ones, instead of having to be speaking out loud pleads to a non visible entity to do it for them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I was closer to god/ heaven and ultimately a ‘good kid’ because of taking 2 minutes of our day to ‘pray for the well being of everyone’ including our family members, people that starve and have no money to live, without ever actually questioning why it is that we only care about ‘our family’ and why it is that the poor/ starving/ abused ones have no solution provided by ourselves as society, and instead only deviate the point to a non-existent/ invisible force to apparently do it for us.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I was in fact a ‘good person’ because of praying, without ever realizing or even considering how manipulative it is to create an experience of benevolence at the expense of those that in fact suffer and are in pain, with no money/ no support, no care from anyone within the same society wherein a vast majority would rather pray like me, and learn how to ‘ask god’ to solve the problems instead of seeing the common sense of how it is possible for us to exist within this comfortable blindfold of prayer without seeing any result from it at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel that I was a ‘good kid’ when becoming sad or feel ‘powerless’ about people that had no money, wherein I believed then that it was ‘a gift from god’ the fact that I was able to have a family, food, school, and essentially money from my parents to live, without ever really questioning the point further and taking parental answers as ‘truth’ to ‘make sense’ of the world, wherein I believed that people with ‘bad luck/ bad life’ were in fact ‘paying’ some sort of sin/ wrong doings in their life, which is how I accepted the law of karma as a way to justify poverty, abuse and ‘all the evil’ in the world in separation of myself, while proudly and modestly believing/ inferring that ‘I’ then was a ‘good person’ and had been a good person in past lives because I was having a good life in this life.

And it’s even the belief in past lives having an actual ‘weight/ meaning’ upon who I am today, which was also part of the belief system of spiritualism which I was more familiar with/ accepted more as a ‘truth’ due to familial relationships and acquiring such belief as ‘THE Truth’ as opposed to catholic church and any other belief that would indicate that I had to feel ‘guilty’ for my sins. I instead would embrace this ‘benevolence’ when/while ‘dedicating’ some time of my day to pray for those that have no money.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pray as a credit/ credo/ belief added to myself in order to accumulate ‘benevolent points’ so that I could possibly get to a ‘heaven’ in the afterlife and then, possibly get a ‘better life experience in my next life,’ which is basically me acting in absolute self interest to only pray for ‘those in need’ in order to make myself feel good, feel like ‘I care’ and within that, feel good at the expense of those that actually suffer and that till this day, we hold the absolute responsibility to create a world system that is in fact able to Respond to their needs as a living right that must be given at birth, to support all beings equally as one – and this is not only a word-principle, but must begin within myself, to equalize myself as the life that I thought I could only ‘ask’ / pray or ‘wish good’ for instead of realizing that life is a physical aspect of living wherein no thought, no positive thinking, no ‘good wishing’ can in fact change the current situation of neglect, abuse and sorrow that is lived in the flesh of everyone in this world that is currently bound to money to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this belief o doing good through praying/ wishing well to others, create a fluffy nice positive experience after the immediate shame/ guilt/ compassion would come when realizing that there were beings that had no food to eat, no school to go to, no parents, no house, no water and as such, thinking and accepting the belief that ‘god’ would somehow support them and take them out of the misery, which is a crime against life to abdicate our responsibility toward the impaired beings in society through believing that ‘they will be supported by a god, and somehow their problems would be fixed, without ever actually understanding, investigating or realizing how it is our responsibility as humans as co-creators of this world to ensure that all beings are supported, as there will be no need to pray for a god to save that which is physically here and able to be supported within a system that ensures All beings are equally supported, as the actual message of Jesus and Equality that has been crucified for so long in fact.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never ask why it is that I was able to be comfortably praying and asking things to a god for those in need and what it is that made me different to them and that prevented them/ the impaired ones from having my comfort, my position, my money/parents to live as I do and instead, blindly accepted the belief that I simply had to ‘do good/ wish them well’ and the problem would be apparently sorted out.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see prayer as something solemn and of great respect, without realizing how the entire prayer was a plea of self interest to only care for me/ my loved ones, that which ‘I care’ and that which ‘I am aware of,’ while wearing a suit of being a ‘good girl that cares for others,’ while in fact my actions, words and deeds throughout the day were of competition, rivalry, spitefulness and blatant self interest to always win no matter what, which are the behavioral patterns that are simply placed aside whenever wearing the ‘good doer’ personality. And within this also shoving aside the awareness of what I was doing in fact, as I became pretty aware of me being ‘double headed’ in terms of believing myself to be good and then seeing the absolute opposite existent within me, but somehow accept it because : everyone else was doing the same, and so I stopped questioning my own ‘two-faced value’ and neglected the reality that is here as myself, in every moment throughout my entire days.

 

I commit myself to Stop within me any sensation of ‘feeling good’ and even creating an entire benevolent character of myself whenever I see myself supporting someone o something to get done, as I realize that it is effective to at all times see these points as my responsibility, my self-commitment to life as one and equal, instead of doing it ‘for someone/ something’ in separation of myself.

 

I commit myself to see where and how even now, even if there are no more prayers or beliefs in some ‘outer source,’ the belief of doing good has become a ‘positive experience’ within me whenever I am looking for/ after my self interest instead of realizing that all that I do and that I don’t do has an effect and consequence for the whole to which I am equally a part of – hence, self responsibility implies no more creating experiences at a mind level within the ‘good doer’ character that only cares about its own ‘goodness’ and ‘inner peace’ while the world is in chaos, created by ourselves.

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System as the commitment to live, work and do what we all were supposed to have done, been and lived by which is the law of Life in Equality in all ways, wherein there will be obviously no way to ‘gain points’ of ‘good doing’ through praying, there will be no positive experiences done from giving money/ charity to the impaired ones, there will be no need to hope and wish for something/ some benevolent force to solve the problems of the world as we will ensure that WE take responsibility for such problems in the world system, because we have accepted them, we have allowed them and as such, it is impossible now to turn a blind eye and pretend that thinking positive/praying/ asking the universe for things can in any way give food, water, shelter, clothes, education to those that have non.

 

this will continue…

 

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113. Who am I within Judging Communication?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation about communication with another based on memories wherein I immediately access the ‘who I am’ toward a particular being in a particular situation wherein instead of remaining here as breathe without holding any expectation toward the moment I am experiencing myself in, I immediately expect the same type of communication that I have judged as a ‘routine’ and ‘always the same,’ without realizing that it actually takes two to ‘complete the set up’ of recreating a moment based on playing characters instead of actually being able to stop the pattern and instead create a different scenario wherein we can actually decide who we are within such moments.

 

When and as I see myself going into an immediate future projection of a moment I am about to experience myself in with another being in a particular ‘well-known situation’ and already preparing myself to live out the ‘usual format like communication’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to remain here as breath, no expectation toward the moment and as such, support myself to step out of character and break the memory-cycle by actually daring to communicate/ instigate communication within an unconditional starting point wherein I can actually decide to direct/ drive the communication into a new direction that stops the usual repetition we usual ‘fall into’ as human beings with our family/ friends, relationships on a day to day living.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judge someone for asking the same questions and holding the backchat ‘he/she keeps asking the same questions, always saying the same things’ wherein I simply keep a straight face looking ahead without even attempting to say something ‘out of the format-questions/ answers without realizing that it is me the one that can actually direct the communication to sharing myself and interact with another without acting from the past as memories, and that I actually only dared to backchat about the situation because I feared stepping out of the usual ‘script’ of interaction, just to be ‘safe’ which means that I actually feared ‘losing my usual ground’ as the ‘who I am’ toward such particular beings, and not wanting to share myself with another and be vulnerable in a point of communication – in this fearing actually being judged for what I had to say, or for breaking the unspoken ‘usual ways’ we’ve become so used to interacting with one another.

 

When and as I see myself fearing to share myself and step out of the ‘usual questions’ with another, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the one that determines what the communication becomes in any given moment and that I decide and have the faculty to actually dare to open up and step out of character into an actual opportunity to share myself with another in self-honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone and hold the backchat ‘can he/she not be more open, warm and welcoming?’ without realizing that his is how I victimize myself in a point of communication and creating a character that supports another one’s character within complying to a certain format-like communication that I am certainly not enjoying, yet that I am judging as if I was ‘bound’ to it with no say, which is false as I realize that I can absolutely stand up in that moment and steer the wheel in a new direction that can be actually quite refreshing if we dare to do so.

 

When and as I see myself judging another for not creating/ instigating a point of communication that is open/ vulnerable in the moment, I stop and I breathe. I realize that instead of judging them, I am perfectly capable and able of stepping out of the script and direct the communication the way that I see can create a point of actual interaction to get to share who we are and what we are experiencing ourselves as in the moment, wherein we can create a supportive moment/ interaction for one another, which is what I see and realize this world lacks as we have are so imbued in our own personal judgments as fear toward one another that we rather keep silent instead of actually debunking and exposing our own mindfucks, which is actually quite enjoyable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to and desire to have a ‘comfortable communication/ conversation’ with another yet because of manipulating myself to remain within the ‘parameters’ that we have created through time as memories from the interactions with particular beings in our reality such as family, friends/ acquaintances we believe that ‘it’s always been this way and it won’t ever change’ wherein I go then into the victimized state and self-manipulation of blaming others for not creating a ‘suitable opening’ to really communicate, without realizing that the moment that I go into backchat about the situation instead of actually speaking, I am in fact fearing to break the ‘safe bubble’ of interaction/ communication with another, wherein we both prefer to ‘keep quiet’ because we really fear communicating to one another, as we fear each other’s judgments and ‘stepping out of character’ within the’ who we are/ who we’ve always been’ toward another.

 

When and as I see myself judging a point of communication as dull and restrictive, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the only real restriction is the one existing within me to not actually dare to stop and stir the wheel of the communication in a new and in the moment way, wherein I can actually support myself and another to step out of our characters and really share ourselves for the first time, as I see and realize that we have only kept ourselves this way because we feared ‘stepping out of character.’ Thus I ensure that I am the one that establishes such point of comfort within myself to share myself as within me doing this with and toward myself, I can expand the same application toward another, wherein no judgment is created toward myself or another in the moment, but only focus on being here as two physical beings that are able to communicate unconditionally and/or support each other to eventually be able to communicate unconditionally as I see and realize that one must be the one that ‘breaks the spell.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever ask questions to others in order to instigate a point of communication out of fear, simply because of fearing that they are actually judging me for being silent – which is a pattern that I created as a child – without realizing that the moment that I am fearing another being silent, I am not being here as breath, but conditioning another’s expression within my own mind-frame of memories as the ‘who I am’ within communication.

 

When and as I see myself fearing another’s silence within a moment that we physically share together, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am judging such silent due to my own past memories of being judged because of being silent and always being pushed to speak – thus I realize that I can or cannot communicate based on a self-honest drive to do so or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not realize that the only reason why I would either compromise myself to speak or remain silent was only stemming from fear, fear of being judged if I didn’t do so and fear of what they would think about me if I did do it – thus I remain stable here as self and speak in the moment by directing myself to do so or not. I have now seen and realized that it doesn’t matter if I speak or if I don’t speak with another while sharing a moment, such as the typical example of riding with another in a car wherein I have experienced the most ‘restrictive’ situations because I am bound to be with others sharing a space for a certain amount of time – hence feeling compelled to speak, without realizing that I do not require to do so as the desire to do so is actually stemming from the fear of ‘what will they say if I don’t – hence I stop the mindfuck for once and for all and be unconditionally here willing to share myself and willing to remain silent without holding any backchat about it, but just breathing here.

 

When and as I see myself striking a conversation/ asking questions toward another out of fear of remaining silent/ not communicating at all – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the one that is able to decide whether I want to communicate or not, and that I can in fact appreciate a moment of just sharing a physical moment with another wherein verbal communication is not always necessary, yet I decide whether I do so or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a slight nervousness and anxiety whenever I perceive myself that ‘I don’t know what else to say’ which is actually stemming from the desire to ‘keep the energy up’ within a conversation wherein I am actually wanting to make another comfortable and ‘enjoying the moment’ instead of actually realizing how within wanting to apparently ‘please others,’ I am compromising myself, as I am pushing myself to do something that I in fact do not want to do, but feel somehow ‘obliged’ to do, which is stemming from the childhood memory of me being forced to speak or threatened to be exposed as a shy/ insecure/ hermit type of person if I didn’t do it – hence I would speak just so that I would not be judged by others as a shy, closed and hermit person.

I realize that I do not have to impose my plethora of memories of the past in impose it on the physical reality as the moment that we are living in, wherein I can simply remain silent or continue speaking in the moment without feeling compelled/ obliged or even forced to do so.

When and as I see myself reacting in anxiety or nervousness because of ‘seeing a communication point dying’/ going silent and striking conversations out of fear, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can actually assess whether there is anything relevant to share in the moment or not, hence I stop fearing stopping a point of communication or remaining silent if there is nothing else to say; within this I stop compromising myself to ‘fill in the gaps’ that I feared as the ‘horroris vacui’ that I’ve created when interacting with another, wherein I have feared them judging me as being ‘short-worded/ laconic and/or introverted’ for not speaking too much, not realizing that there two reasons for this.

  • 1. Because I would assess my own communication with others according to ‘who they are’ within my mind, hence limiting myself to speak and communicate with those that I would deem as being compatible with myself based on personality
  • 2. Because of the memories of my mother pushing me to ‘keep conversations going’ as in keeping a positive attitude and moment, wanting to deliberately make others ‘feel good’ in the moment of communication, making them feel like they’re welcomed, without realizing that this was just the ‘good person’ type of play out wherein I learned from my family to always be charismatic and open/ welcoming toward others as a means o show ‘hospitality,’ without realizing that the starting point of these type of applications is always self interest, to have people / visitors that would come to our house deliberately speaking ‘good things’ about us for being such ‘welcoming, warm hearted people’ that would treat guests very well, which is then actually the typical mechanism of sowing ‘goodness’ to reap ‘goodness/ positive feedback’ in self-interest only.

I realize that I can simply end a conversation the moment there is nothing else to say, and that I can also remain silent with another for example in a car, without compromising myself to ‘keep the conversation going’ out of a dishonest starting point such as fear of being judged for being silent or fear of not being ‘acceptable’ for another. Yet I have realized that I can actually communicate with others and enjoy doing so, once that communication is no longer bound to being only a particular character based on memories of ‘who I am’ toward others, but that I can decide to create an openness and unconditional interaction toward others, wherein I can practically break the cycles of the past by me not playing out the past as myself any longer.

When and as I see myself fearing remaining quiet with another, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I do not require speaking all the time to exist and be here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I would always have to create something ‘astounding’ in my life in order to have something to speak about with others, just because I reduced communication to sharing about that which I would be able to categorize as ‘outrageous’ or ‘out of the ordinary’ point, which is how we have conditioned each other to talk about our ‘quests’ in life that are apparently what makes us ‘live’ and be ‘alive’ every day, without realizing that I am in fact only being and becoming a single copying mechanism of others in order to reduce communication to a single story-telling to instigate emotions or feelings within another in order to assess it as a ‘successful communication’ which is being able to instigate within another a sense of enjoyment or even distress to assess that I have in fact established communication, as we have only defined communication as the interactions of our minds, instead of an equal and one unconditional sharing in the moment, without believing that we have to make another ‘feel’ what we ‘felt’ in a certain moment, as I see and realize that such feelings are not part of the physical reality that I can share instead as physical facts and doings, instead of feelings and emotions that seek empathy from another, and dare calling that communication.

 

When and as I see myself to believe that I have ‘nothing interesting to talk about with another,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize we have conditioned each other to believe we can only communicate if there’s ‘something to speak about’ as that which in our minds is ‘more than’ other regular every day events, simply because of how we have conditioned each other to consume memories to share with another as means to prove ‘who’s got the best living experience of both,’ which is how people share each other’s quests and conquers as a means to be adulated or bashed for something, which in the eye of the mind is equally ‘cool’ as an experience is created in both participants, which is unacceptable as this is how we go ‘building our lives’ in means of creating a point of distress or absolute outrageous activities/ situations in order to ‘have something to talk about,’ as we have learned that the most ‘popular people’ are the ones with ‘outrageous/ out of the ordinary’ type of living, which is one of the reasons why we seek to have money in this world: in order to buy ourselves experiences that we can later on share with another in means of being envied or creating jealousy as that makes us feel ‘better’ about ourselves apparently, without realizing the actual system that we are keeping in place wherein not everyone is able to have the same opportunity to have such ‘outrageous lifestyles’ which only reinstate and confirm that we are willing to communicate and even praise those that are wiling to abuse themselves or others in the name of having some ‘good story to tell. ‘

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being silent is ‘okay’ with another because I have already established a relationship with them, hence not feeling compelled to speak or share because ‘I’ve secured them within my domain,’ which is a usual pattern that would ensue within relationships, wherein the belief of ‘not feeling obliged to speak,’ comes because I believe I don’t require to prove myself to others as being ‘worthy of communicating/ being with,’ which is then actually stemming from the fear of being rejected or being seen as ‘unworthy’ to hang out with/ communicate with, which is how communication because a ‘tool’ for me to only prove that I can be accepted by others, without having realize that I had not even developed the basic understanding of myself and my own mind to see the staring point of my communication as deceptive – thus I realize that it wasn’t really that I ‘enjoyed the silence,’ but I simply associated such moments of silence with a ‘secured relationship’ that I didn’t require to ‘keep up’ because of thinking and believing that I had completed the ‘absolute conquest’ type of application wherein I perceived that I could not ‘lose’ such relationship and that I had them ‘feeing on my hand,’ which is the moment wherein I would actually turn despotic about a relationship, just because of believing that I didn’t have to ‘grow it’ any further, which is actually self-manipulation and desire for control at its finest.

 

When and as I see myself feeling comfortable with another in silence, I stop and I breathe – I actually verify myself to be fully here and ensure that I am not loading any memories or past definitions in the moment and that I am in fact being unconditionally HERE, sharing a physical moment with another wherein words might not be compulsory yet still available when and if there is a requirement to speak. This is then the ability to share a moment with another wherein words are not required for a moment and actually be able to enjoy simply being and breathing.

 

This we can see in the world wherein people talk mostly about their parties, trips, deceptive ways in which they earned a lot of money, the amount of partners they have and the frequency of the sex they have with them, the stuff that is bought – as well as all the negative such as having a ‘bad life’ in any way wherein conversations revolve around blame, self-judgment, guilt, memories that are re-lived in the moment in order to feel depressed about something or someone, which is how we have built and created our relationships with family, friends and colleagues based on being able to tell a ‘nice story’ that they can later on feel either good or bad about, as that is how we have defined our lives to be: either a ‘good’ or a ‘bad’ moment based on our own value-schemes upon a life and reality that is clearly filled with ups and downs that we dare to complain or talk about to either praise or bash, but never actually communicating in order to better the physical conditions in the world that are creating such problem and/or seeing how a cool point can be practically implemented for others as well, simply because we have not yet realized that we are the creators of ourselves in every moment and that we decide who we are and what we remain as or not in every moment of breath here.

 

I realize that communication is an actual cool opportunity to start changing our limited ways of relating to one another based on characters, based on a reality that is restrictive and extremely limited/ conditioned to our own mind-frames – thus in order to start establishing an actual point of change in this world, I realize that words and communication have a very important role that is here in our hands to direct to a best for all outcome. This means that we are the ones that, because we see and understand the current limited frames of what ‘communication is,’ it is our duty to now expand and share and educate each other to see how communication can be different with one another if we simply stop fearing each other and take the opportunity to support oneself and another to see life from a different perspective, wherein communication can actually be self-supportive at all times, wherein we practically stop the same cycles of format-like conversations and protocol-like interactions that only ‘fill in the gaps’ of our actual fear to share ourselves with others – we decide who and what we are toward one another in every moment of breath.

 

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This blog is a continuation to:

112. Who am I within Evading Communication?


105. Having a Good Time is defined by MONEY

 


Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my expression with another from the starting point of whether the sound of their voice, their body movements and general ‘beingness’ in the moment is oozing positivity, happiness and a general sense of enjoyment wherein I then mirror the person’s attitude in an instant manner, wherein I allowed myself to be subdued by the entire positivity experienced within another, becoming an instant character that accepts ‘the positive’ as something that should not even be questioned because: it’s good! It’s positive! Let’s have fun! And as such, not realize how I would go into the absolute opposite with the same being whenever the situation and event would be experienced with the negatively charged attitude, bodily movements and voice tonality wherein then I would mirror their self-experience in a way wherein I could only suppress myself and limit my self expression out of fear of someone’s negative experience.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience out of a moment with my father wherein I can deduce and assess that ‘he’s had a cool day at work!’ because he is happy, which is the same as having money wherein then I choose to be happy as well as that means he won’t be in a bad mood/ angry toward everyone for not having a cool day at work. Within this, I see, realize and understand how I’ve come to mimic/ mirror another’s experience as my own and from that, create a starting point within myself of either positivity or negativity according to the person I’ll be interacting with presents themselves as, with either a positive or negative mood, within this defining an entire moment according to another’s experience, which was a common thing within me to limit myself by, wherein I would be cautious and careful to communicate within the consideration of another’s feelings and emotions in the moment, which means that I would always support their characterization by me becoming a supportive role in the play, and never taking a definitive stance to remain constant and consistent in my communication, but would instead become a mirror to others’ experiences as that would ensure that they remain in their characters and I remain as the ‘good person’ that will support their characters – whether they are positive or negative.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited and joyful about the idea of going out for dinner with my parents as that’s an indication that he’s got enough money to take us out and have a moment of what I defined as ‘fun,’ wherein I would then support the entire ‘good spirited’ situation/ moment by being equal to my father’s childish expression, which became a conditional aspect on whether he had enough money or not.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never see how money would define my beingness as a mood situation as well, as when we were in severe financial trouble, I became more secluded, worried and anxious as a child and how things would change the moment that I knew we had enough money to have fun, go out, travel, which then became the polarized condition in my reality to either feel ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about life, never seeing how all and everything that I would do would be conditioned by the amount of money I had -through my father – or didn’t have, which is how my father’s mood and general stance would directly influence me and my stance due to the dependence that exists on a financial level toward him.

 

I realize that within a system wherein we are not supported equally from birth to death, children are conditioned to be dependent on their parents success/ failure to ‘make it’ within the world system of money, which is unacceptable as lives can be forever tainted if an unstable financial situation goes on at home, or there is no support at all at home which is why and how we currently live in a world wherein we have major problems on a ‘psychological level,’ simply because unconditional support is not given to all, hence survivalism leads to living an uncertain life wherein ‘who we are’ is dependent on having ‘good’ and ‘bad days’ that are defined according to the amount of money we have/ don’t have to live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the entire starting point of ‘who I am’ in a moment can be absolutely determined by money as a positive experience or lack of money as negative experience wherein I can feel ‘content’ within myself because of, for example, my father having enough money to take us out for dinner, which I had defined as a treat and a luxury in terms of us not having had such moments in a long time in that moment in the past wherein a difficult financial situation was being faced at home.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to start taking things for granted again when financial stability became a constant at home, forgetting how I had absolutely limited myself to a great extent when we had been through financial trouble, wherein I became more secluded, sad, dismal in my perspective toward the world as opposed to when I started seeing money again, which was the time when I then went on creating my own ‘problems’ in my mind as emotional and feeling situations, because money was no longer being a decisive factor for me to be either sad or happy any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel ‘good’ and in ‘positive spirits’ whenever I was able to benefit from my father’s earned money at work, wherein I simply accepted ‘the positive’ as something that is certainly acceptable and normal to just give in as a ‘good moment,’ defining the entirety of ‘who I am’ according to the entire context of the moment: father being in a ‘good mod’= father having enough money to take us out for dinner = us having a good time all dependent on money itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘good’ because of not having to feel guilty (wtf?) about me going to a restaurant and making my father spend money on me just because I know beforehand that he’s got money to pay for it – thus defining a good moment based on actually not having to be fearing or worrying about money in the moment, which indicates that such positive moments were never in fact real but only a counter-act to all the time that we would be in essence worrying about money and not having enough money to get our positive experiences such as going out for dinner on a Friday night.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define the entire stance of me being ‘in good spirits’ and generally complying to the entire bubble context of ‘happy family because there’s money to go out’ without questioning it further, and just complying to define that as ‘fun,’ shoving away and deliberately hiding the thoughts that would come up in such moments such as ‘why can’t all people just be happy as we are in the moment, having enough money to go out?’ which were thoughts that would come up when and during the traffic lights on the way to the restaurant we would encounter people that were working at that time selling things, doing street juggling in order to make a living, wherein I would immediately shut off my thoughts about that and would go back into the ‘feel good’ experience that I was carrying myself with along with my family.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself conditioning my entire expression based on the context of a ‘good spirited moment’ based on for example, having enough money to have a moment of enjoyment with others and becoming absolutely enthralled with it and full with ‘joy,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that such experience is then not me being here breath, but me giving into the experiences that I am perceiving within others and assessing through the realization that we can be ‘happy’ because we have enough money to enjoy ourselves, as enjoyment within this current world system is equated to having enough money to buy something/ consume and as such equate it with a positive experience.

 

When and as I see myself adapting my communication, my ‘beingness’ in a moment into a positive spirit/ enjoyment and overzealousness in relation to spending a moment with others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that such positive experience was only created and emerged from the starting point of a good mood created by having enough money, which means that such enjoyment would not be possible without any money. Thus I stop defining ‘who I am’ in relation to being in a good mood or a bad mood in relation to the amount of money that I have, wherein money is able to buy a ‘positive experience’ or create a negative one if there’s not enough money to survive.

 

When and as I see myself in ‘good spirits’ when having a moment of enjoyment that is being bought with money, I stop and I breathe – I realize that these situations have been taken for granted just because we have money to do so, without seeing how not everyone in the world can have access to such ‘enjoyment’ as money is not readily given as s form of unconditional support to live, which would then make an experience of enjoyment almost impossible as there would be, for example, no more people that would have to work in a restaurant serving others in order to make money as they will be equally supported by themselves.

 

Life will change in a way wherein the things that we have currently taken for granted will no longer exist, as they are based upon the abuse of others in order to create enough hierarchical power to ensure that there are always those ‘below’ that can be abused in order to give a certain service/ work in exchange of money, which is a condition of enslavement that we have made ‘ok’ in our reality and justifying it with the words ‘they have to make a living somehow,’ but not being willing to see how our very own positive experience is stemming from others’ enslavement to ‘make a living’ as in making money in any way available within the current world system.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience out of the memory of having felt ‘bad’/ negative experience in the same situation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only going from one polarity to the other defining a moment based on memories and the ‘power’ that money currently has in order to buy good moments/ experiences and the opposite which is how we experience ourselves as depressed whenever there’s not enough money to buy/ consume positive experiences, which is how and why we require to equalize the ability for all to have a proper constant and continuous support, so that we can stop going from one pole to the other seeking for positive experiences because they will be readily available, wherein the have/ have not experience will no longer define who we are in our communication, in our beingness and relationship with others in our reality, as money will no longer be a factor to create either positive or negative experiences, but will become a constant source of support for all in equality.

 

When and as I see myself going into a positive experience when getting money, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a perceptual experience wherein the ‘positive attitude character’ is triggered, creating the illusion of having a ‘good moment’ that is only equated to ‘having enough money to live,’ which is how we have defined our beingness as being constantly seeking for the positive, the money and the ‘good times ‘ that are able to be bought with money, while trying to escape, prevent and avoid at all cost ending up in the other side of the coin as in having no money and as such, getting a negative experience out of it.

 

I commit myself to establish a monetary system wherein children and parents will be equally supported from birth to death, which implies that there will no longer be family conflicts in terms of a financial situation of lack being a definitive factor within the beings’ lives and everyday experience, wherein the lack of money creates a general hostile environment of ‘bad mood’/ anger/ frustration/ irritation that is then plundered onto the children, affecting children’s lives in a way that parents cannot yet fathom as they believe that children do not ‘care’ about such monetary conflicts, yet it does as everything that we do and how we function currently in this world is defined by and according to money – therefore with giving unconditional support to all beings, we ensure that children and parents are no longer having to suffer a lack of money defining their entire beingness and life experience, but instead make of life support a constant experience that is readily available for all, as that way we ensure that who we are is the expression itself of life that is here, always unconditionally existing here and that it is us human beings that now must establish a living-system on Earth wherein such unconditional support is extended in an organized manner, such as the Equal Money System to finally be able to focus our lives into an actual development of who we are as living beings on Earth – instead of defining our entire lives based on ‘education’ only to ‘make it’ within a system where everything we’ve done is and has been defined by money itself. This is how we can ensure that our every day living on Earth becomes an opportunity for self-expansion and genuine enjoyment, as there will be no need to create a separate moment of enjoyment according to having money to do so.

 

I realize that the moment I start taking my life for granted, I miss out on what is real and must then bring myself back here where I can definitely ensure that I am in fact considering how every single day that I am able to continue living is linked to my ability to have money, which is something that Not everyone on Earth has  – thus I commit myself to take responsibility for this fuckup as the world system that has deliberately marginalized those that have no money at all to live and how their lives cannot be ‘taken for granted’ as they haven’t been granted with the basic living rights to LIVE on Earth.

 

Hence any and all ‘good spirits’ moment is a cover up and make up illusion to the reality that is here, wherein any ‘good moment’ is actually a masquerade to cover the truth that is here, that is in no way something I can feel content about – thus any good moment experience is actually self-interest only and a point of separation from what is REAL.

 

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104. Anger Intimidation in Communication

 
This point is exploring how our ability to communicate is influenced when and as we are in the presence of a person that is clearly possessed by anger and/or in a bad mood, wherein we then mirror the person’s experience as if it was our own and take ‘our position’ within the game/ situation, playing out a character that will most likely in our minds lead us to believe that we were the ones to blame/ we were the cause of the problem, as that ensues a process of becoming the ‘victim’ of another’s mood/ mind possession in order to remain in a ‘good stand’ within our mind, justifying why we didn’t speak up and remain constant and consistent within our application to not participate in any form of emotional blackmail, but instead lead the moment with communicating here as breath, ensuring that we present a solution to the situation/ problem instead of becoming part of the problem by reacting in an emotional manner toward another’s experience.

 

Here I describe a memory of being in the kitchen with my mother and my father getting home to have lunch – the moment I would realize he was in a ‘bad mood,’ I would immediately go into fear and petrification, not wanting to be the ‘target’ of his anger by picking on anything he could to complain about me in any way – this means, taking it personal and becoming influenced by another’s mind possession/ mood in the form of anger in this case.

In such event I eventually spoke to get what I wanted, after having feared speaking and trying to find the ‘right moment to interject,’ while being consumed with anxiety and fear – hence the correction will unfold to point out how the moment we ‘mirror’ another’s experience = we become part of the mind-game and as such, we miss our ability to be self-directive no matter what.

We are able to support another by not participating in their mind-game/ not playing the victim and or try and ‘fight their possession,’ but instead remain here in constancy and consistency in and as breath, creating and establishing solutions instead of adding up to the list of retaliation and further grudge-creation over time.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my entire communication with another based on the mood they are presenting in the moment, wherein if they are in an angry mode, I would go into immediate fear and quietness in order to not disturb the angry person further, which is how I wrought this idea of myself as being a nuisance because of being the blank in my mind of ‘the angry person exerting it all out on me,’ which is part of how I have manipulated myself throughout my life to not take responsibility for my own suppression and hesitation to express and be self directive – but instead would allow me to simply be a victim of the situation and using it as a form of self pity in order to feel like I had been ‘wronged’ by others, when in fact it was only we reacting to someone else’s anger and fearing anger itself as something that is more than me in the moment, playing the ‘victimized’ character that ‘bears’ the angry person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the experience that others are presenting in a moment in my reality, such as if a person was angry or depressed, I would go into self suppressed anger and depression as well, which is how I would immediately give into the character presented in front of me instead of ever standing up in the moment and realizing that I do not have to participate in the same emotional game, but can instead be and remain self-directive at all times with and as myself, understanding that if others exert their anger onto others, it is not to be taken personal, but rather see what is being said and establish a practical solution for the point of irritation, realizing that anger and any other emotion will not change in any way the reality and the points that are being faced in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go immediately go into tension the moment that I perceive that my father is angry and that I am ‘on his way’ which means that I can be yelled at for being a nuisance/ an obstacle on his way, which is a metaphorical way to also see how I have played out the pattern of when and as facing the anger/ bad mood of another, I would go into immediate submission and fear instead of standing up in the moment and not allowing myself to be affected by it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sarcasm with my mother about my father’s mood which became a way to speak out the backchat that would in a way ‘smooth out the moment’ as the actual tension that I would experience when having to be in the presence of my father being angry, as well as the projection I’d made toward my mother of being equally tense, but smoothing it out with jokes/ sarcasm as to make ourselves above the situation, when in fact within doing so, we were giving actual ‘power to it’ fully and completely.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in sarcasm whenever I see myself facing an uncomfortable situation such as facing someone’s anger, which is a pattern that I have copied from my mother from the situations and moments when we would ‘make fun’ of my father’s hissy fits and laugh about it, which would make him even more angry and silent, which is how I came to fear silence because of not knowing if he would just explode in any given moment or not – yet laughed about the sarcasm as a way to cope with the actual stress and tension in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ‘quiet mode’ and not communicating at all with my father when and I would perceive and see that he is absolutely angry / in a bad mood, which would make me ‘afraid’ of even speaking to him just because of not wanting to be cursed at or yelled at or replied in some angry manner, because of knowing how when he’d be angry, he’s use any point as any ‘flaw’ within me in order to exert his anger onto everyone around him – hence I would keep quiet.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a point of fear and petrification whenever my father was angry at lunch time, because that would mean that any thing that I required to ask him – such as money to buy books/ things I required for school – would be received as a ‘give me give me’ attitude that I knew would be replied with an angry negative answer to my request.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the fear of asking something to my father, I would remain instead quiet building up the tension and anxiety doubting every single moment whether I’d be courageous enough to speak to him or not, which would consume my very moment instead of ever considering breathing and simply speaking out, not taking it personal if he did eventually exert his anger onto me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to ‘find the right moment to interject,’ without realizing that there were Not going to be any ‘right moment,’ as all such moment was simply going to remain in a tense status quo that I simply had to break-through in the moment by actually voicing myself and my request toward him.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my entire beingness according to being in the presence of an angry person, such as my father, and as such mimic the person’s experience and make it my own, wherein I then became just a supporter of the mind possession by actually fearing to interact with another that is and was clearly mind possessed in anger and frustration.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever I felt ‘helpless’ within a situation, turn to my mother for answers, simply because I could not see myself as having equal authority toward myself and my own life, wherein I wanted her to ‘soothe out’ the moment with my father instead of me simply directing my request to him and talking without any fear about what I required in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to remain silent and quiet whenever there was a situation of ‘anger’ within another, which is how I became submissive toward people that would go into anger with great ease, simply because of fearing that such anger would be exerted toward me with ‘rough words’ that I would immediately react to in sadness and anger within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt whenever I had to ask my father for money when I knew that he had not have a good day at work, because that would make me feel like a nuisance that had to be ‘paid for,’ and as such remaining quiet and not wanting to complain and be as ‘cooperative’ as possible by going into absolute silence and conforming to not speak – which I would only breakthrough if the need was absolutely necessary in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a load toward my father, and believing that because I was asking him for money I was in fact adding myself up to his ‘problems,’ which I used as a a justification and excuse to think and believe that it would be better for me to not exist/ not wanting others to spend money on my living, which is a pattern that I took as a form of ‘austerity’ in a self-deprecating way.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in everything I would do simply because of the fear of not wanting to be an economical nuisance to my father since I was a child, thus becoming overtly self-conscious about my expenses and being extremely aware of how to spend my money and handling it with fear as if it was ‘more’ than myself, simply because of how I would see that the lack of money would create a lot of stress in my father, and I simply didn’t’ want to be part of the problem – thus I would refrain and abstain myself from asking more than whatever I really needed, which I didn’t take in common sense but as a form of repression and fear, which became my relationship toward money and the relationship toward my father as the ‘financial supporter’ in my life.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself going into suppression because of how I perceive another to be angry or in a bad mood and ready to burst it out onto others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I do not have to mimic another’s mind possession but instead direct myself to communicate here as breath if it is ultimately necessary to speak and as such, be able to support another indirectly to see that there is no point in keeping oneself in anger as there can be no solutions in anger to solve/ fix that which one is angry about

 

When and as I see myself deciding not to speak to another due to how I see they are mind possessed in anger, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this decision is being made out of fear of being shouted/ yelled at which is just a point of fear that I created for myself in order to stand then as a victim, which was getting into another character to not face the fact that I had in fact become another’s emotional reaction as well- thus I support myself to speak whenever I require to do so, not giving more ‘power away’ to the person that is angry, but directing myself in common sense at all times, as I see that within me stopping playing out the counter act character, I am in fact assisting and supporting another/ others to see that it is unnecessary to react in anger if there is an actual solution that can be walked and implemented by all participants in common sense.

 

When and as I see myself taking another’s anger as something personal/ directed toward me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all emotions and feelings are in fact self created – thus it is always about the creator and their responsibility over their own experiences, which is then how I realize that in no way do I have to ‘follow the game’ of anger and emotional blackmail in order to conduct a particular situation as that only leads to further character creation.

 

Therefore, I assist myself to simply speak and communicate as usual and not give into another’s negative expression/ reactions in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself immediately going into a physical tension and self-suppression when facing someone that is angry, I stop and I breathe, I realize that in me reacting physically toward another’s mood/ anger in this case is just supporting the character and in no way enabling the other person to actually see the character for what it is and eventually, step out of the possession if they are willing to take responsibility for themselves as I take responsibility for me not acting-along with the moody character

 

When and as I see myself going into victimization according to how I have believed and perceived that I am ‘standing on someone’s feet’ as in being a nuisance, an obstacle or plain annoying in another’s presence while and during their mind possession I stop and I breathe – I realize that any form of suppression I would use as a way to then justify my own self-victimization and further spitefulness toward those that I had victimized myself from – therefore I see and realize that there is no point in participating in anger and sadness and further fear with others possessed by such emotions, but instead direct me to keep my application practical at all times without following an emotional drift toward it.

 

When and as I see myself being sarcastic about another’s angry mood as a means to smooth the tension and self-suppression, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I would do this in order to feel good about myself, as if I was ‘over the anger’ by being able to make fun of it, without realizing that in this I simply developed yet another character in order to cope with others and their reality of becoming absolutely angry/ pissed off in a given moment.

 

When and as I see myself fearing to speak and communicate out fear of making another even more angry or ‘blowing things up,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that within me fearing, I give absolute space for another’s mind possession to fully take place as I am then suppressing me and becoming ‘the victim’ that will then find ways to ‘out do’ such repression, which can only come as just another form of abuse wherein life is still not considered, because the moment we allow ourselves to carry anger as a constant experience within ourselves and toward others, we can only expect such anger to consume the being until the being is no more, as the being can only continue if taking responsibility for the words being said and communicated.

 

When and as I see myself conditioning my expression based on how I perceive another’s mood in the moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the moment I refrain and suppress myself from expressing based on ‘how I perceive them’ in the moment is me only giving into the character play outs that support each other in order to maintain a point of conflict with no solution, instead of actually being a point of support and example of how it is perfectly possible to solve a problem and situation by giving it proper direction in common sense, instead of becoming another player in the game – this implies at all times sticking to common sense and practical solutions to show and reveal how no anger will make any difference to a situation or event that requires a solution, but that it is only through stopping the emotional reaction that one can in fact establish practical directions to walk and create solutions to the problems.

 

When and as I see myself trying to find the ‘right moment to interject’ in a communication, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is another excuse to remain in the victimized state wherein I believe that another must ‘give me the right moment to speak,’ which is allowing another’s possession and character to be ‘more’ than myself in any given moment/ situation. Thus I direct myself to speak and communicate in the moment whatever I require to say as I make the space for myself to be heard in the moment – within this I also see and realize that I am able to be indirectly supporting another to see how throwing tantrums, getting angry and being irritated/ in a bad mood does not solve any situation and that it all can instead be walked in a normal chat wherein solutions can be practically established and placed into action.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to give up a point of communication due to fearing that someone will exert their anger on me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that within me suppressing and ‘saving my expression for later’ is an act of giving into the mind and the fear experienced to communicate with someone that is anger, in fear of being the target of such extreme anger which is just another excuse used to not stand up in the moment and make myself heard and be clear and direct within the point of communication that is absolutely possible breath by breath and not giving into any form of emotional blackmail through the ‘possessed in anger’ person.

 

When and as I see myself feeling ‘helpless’ in a situation wherein I am in the presence of a person that is possessed in anger or in a bad mood, I stop and I breathe – I realize that me deciding not to speak or hesitate in my expression is accepting another’s possession as real and such, I become part of the game wherein the one in anger has the most ‘positive experience’ as an ability to control the environment over those that only usually ‘react’ in fear toward such anger – which implies that within me stopping existing as anger when participating with a person that is angry or in a bad mood, I allow myself to become part of the solution in the moment wherein words, communication in common sense is able to be expressed without the requirement of any emotional or feeling input.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself toward others based on them being ‘angry’ and seeing myself indirectly as the cause of such anger, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is part of the self-victimization pattern that I have played out wherein I could simply play the victim in order to not have to actually stand up and direct myself to speak and communicate – but instead remain in a subservient mode toward another in order to apparently ‘not cause any further problems,’ without realizing that all problems have a beginning and an end within ourselves, as ourselves. Thus I stop playing out the same pattern and direct myself to see how I can direct the point in simplicity and common sense, presenting solutions at all times instead of reacting and adding myself up to ‘the problematic situation’ perceived and played out only by characters in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself creating a relationship of fear toward money and fearing making others angry because of the amount of money spent on me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the victimization character wherein I would give into being the ‘oppressed’ and ‘victim’ in order to not actually take self responsibility for myself and do what is required to support me effectively, which is how any form of possession can instead be called out, communicated in common sense and establish proper communication, instead of numbing and covering up such communication with anger and hissy fits that support no one.

 

I commit myself to always establish myself as the voice that is able to point out common sense and give practical solutions without participating in any emotional or feeling reaction in any given situation, as this is the type of stability and common sense that is required to embody at all times in a world where conflict is and has been that which feeds ourselves as minds submerged in conflict and problems, which is how when and as presenting solutions as ourselves, we start taking responsibility for our own experiences and actions to see how it is possible to in fact live in a completely new way wherein we are in fact supporting each other to become more effective in our day to day living, instead of just reacting about it and blowing a problem out of proportion as it usually goes on in the mind.

 

Thus I stop all mirror neuron activity of becoming empathic about another’s mood and as such, commit myself to remain here as breath as the sanity required in a world of madness, which begins and stops within myself.

 

Desteni 

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System

Journey to Life Blogs

 

 

This is a follow up to:

 

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Interviews:


84. “What are you up to?”

The ‘catching up’ character.

 

When you encounter yourself with someone that you haven’t seen in a long time, and that you were somehow ‘related’ to each other based on friendship, family-relationship – the usual thing is to ask is ‘What are you up to? or ‘What have you been doing/working on lately?’

In this case, I see that the avoidance to face people is because of – apparently- having to explain myself every time. Yet when looking further into it, is because of not being the ‘same character’ that people used to interact with. However this is also a character: you require to exist as ego in order to have any form of resistance/ avoidance to communicate.

The point here is then having to explain to someone that you are no longer fulfilling the character they remember of you when they ask such questions specifically based on a career/ point that one have previously decided to take on as ‘main character’ in our lives. It is absolutely unnecessary having to create yet another character/ experience of ourselves to interact with someone based on ‘not being the same character’ which would imply fears, anxieties, avoidance, resistance to face people, etc.

 

I realize that to interact here with another does not require me to put on the character that ‘explains herself’ to others, but instead is HereSelf at all times.

 

Pattern: adjusting my responses in a conversation according to what I think, believe or perceive the other one is expecting me to be/ communicate about.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate/ go into self doubt in the moment that I hear the question ‘What have you been creating lately/ what are you busy with?’ because of having ‘no artistic projects on the table’ as ‘I should’ because of the career that I studied, without realizing that this is me fearing not fulfilling others’ expectations based on the ideals, beliefs and perceptions of ‘who I am’ as ‘the art lover’ that used to always talk about painting, taking pictures all the time and essentially portraying myself a ‘the living artwork’ toward others, so that they could confirm that ‘I was a true artist’ at all times.

 

When and as I see myself reacting to hearing the questions ‘What are you up to?/ What are you busy with?’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that my reactions are based on the idea, belief or perception of me having to reply in a certain way that I can fulfill another’s idea of myself in their minds, which I am not. Thus I direct myself to simply share what it is that I am doing in the moment and that’s it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the other person is looking at me with a gesture of condescending gullibility when I explain myself as working ‘on myself’ as my own art project, without realizing that this is because it is essentially made-up point that I am using for the sake of still keeping my character as ‘the artist’ in the academy. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self-awareness tags in order to make it an art project, just because of me not fully ‘believing’ myself to be it, without realizing that this is not a matter of proving myself to someone, nor is it about ‘making up stories,’ but this is in fact about myself and the process of self-correction that I am living and applying as myself.

 

When and as I see myself expecting others to judge me because of not being specifically doing something formally ‘plastic,’ I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to share myself unconditionally regardless of what others may think, believe or perceive about myself in the moment that I am unconditionally sharing myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone else can ‘mock me’ for what I’m doing, just because of them ‘knowing of art’ and as such, thinking that my project is not ‘good enough’ to be sold as art, without realizing that this is not about art, or myself, or my career, but about me being playing a character in order to be liked/ accepted by another person toward whom I had developed a ‘special bond’ with in relation to being able to talk about art, photography, politics, culture and, because this being is in my family, believing that ‘I cannot let him down on this,’ without realizing that in this I am in fact speaking as ego wanting to remain as that ‘special being’ in his mind, compromising myself and my unconditional expression toward him, as who and what I am currently walking as myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing being judged by another when explaining my work, what I am currently busy living, applying and supporting myself with and others equally as ‘my life,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that only a character would care/ be affected by whatever judgment can stem as feedback to what I do. I realize that whatever I do is for and as myself at all times in the consideration of what’s best for all, and that anything else is only judgments based on fulfilling/not fulfilling a particular character toward others and myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to excuse and validate what I’m doing toward others, without realizing that in this single step of ‘wanting to validate myself at the eyes of others’ is ego, as I am then not communicating myself as what I’m waking, the current process of who I am in that moment, but instead wanting to exist for others, which can only ‘exist’ as a mind character playing out the exact same psychles as always.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to still remain as someone that is a certain character that I had given value to as ‘who I am,’ which is and was never real as it was based on creating things to validate such ‘profession’ in separation of myself, just as how this entire world system works – thus I stop believing that I have to validate myself toward others and simply share what I have been doing as my own walking of this process as self support and extending it to others, which is what and who I am at the moment – hence always communicating in the moment, instead of having to adequate myself in order to fit any standard.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to explain myself, validating my words at the eyes of others, I stop and I breathe. I move to express myself in the moment unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to ‘dissolve’ the ‘old me’ toward old ‘friends’ and family, which are the ones that remained thinking that I was still fully into art.

 

When and as I see myself trying to hide/ suppress and magically dissolve the ‘old me’ toward family member and friends, I stop and I breathe. I communicate myself in the moment in relation to what I am being/ doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself by saying ‘I have not stopped, I have just focused on doing some other things’ which is just an excuse and self-validation as to not completely lose the ‘title’ as ‘an artist’ at the eyes of others.

 

When and as I see myself trying to justify what I’ve been doing and why I have not participated in any formal artwork, I stop and I breathe – I realize that fear to lose ‘my character’ is behind this – thus, there’s nothing to cover up her.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and protect an idea of myself toward others due to the value I had given to the entire character as a ‘passionate artist’ I believed myself to be.

 

When and as I see myself trying to protect an idea of myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that no idea I hold of myself in separation of who I am here as breath is real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing another based on how he ‘liked my art,’ wherein I ‘dislike’ having to ‘let him down’ for not following through as I expected myself to do. I stop manipulating myself into feeling that I am doing something ‘wrong’ by not continuing creating what I expected myself to be and become.

 

When and as I see myself fearing disappointing people/ friends/family in relation to my career, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only defend a single idea of myself based on ‘who I am’ toward others – which is not real and only a character. Thus, I direct myself to communicate myself without holding any expectation about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I’ve ‘wasted an entire artistic education’ because I am not creating any longer – I realize that I cannot define myself based on the past and what I am supposed to do with certain education. I am not defined by ‘having to create’ or ‘having to be an artist’ as this is only a career and a character that is not based on the physicality that I am here – thus any belief and self-recrimination is only a way to manipulate myself into believing that I am doing something ‘wrong’ for not being /becoming that which I expected myself to become.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and experiencing a ‘lack of commitment’ toward my career, I stop and I breathe. I realize that what I am doing is my decision to live and not to remain as the character I manipulated myself to be and become. Thus, I stop any judgment in relation to what I am doing/ what I am not doing, and continue supporting myself to establish myself here as a living being.

 

To Be Continued

 

 

 
Blogs:
Day 84: Lightworker Chart and Charter

Why is Life not Honoured on Earth?: DAY 84


76. Art Saves: My Religion Exposed

 

Within looking at how I used my career choice initially as a way to ‘Get by’ and ‘a way out of the system,’ I am looking at how I would justify this decision by establishing relationships with people that would support and involve myself within such ‘life decisions,’ which is how I came to defend ‘our view’ the same way that any other religious person would defend their belief, which is something I was able to spot due to the latest Soul of Money interview How the Soul predetermined Human’s Relationship to Money – which also allowed me to understand how everything seemed ‘so perfect’ in terms of the relationship I had with specific people and ‘their dreams’ being ‘my dreams’ as well – all in all just the perfect way to feed my preprogrammed life and ensure that I would not delve myself any further than that which caught my attention first, which was art.

 

One of the reasons why I confirmed my ‘chosen path’ in life was due to having met the ‘most important relationships’ in my life because of art/ music, which was almost like a ‘miracle’ – ehm ehm preprogrammed – point in my life wherein I really believed that I was ‘meant to be’ with that person, I was meant to be doing that and that ‘god’ had given me such a good life with the opportunity to be an artist and have fun all the time – yes, this was MY religion and I would justify it with anything I could to maintain it ‘as is.’ No different to any Christian that pops eyes out when revealing the truth of the actual energetic kick they get of any rite – I had my rites and being with someone that backs up your religion with equal fervor ‘locks you’ into that self-belief with more candor than ever, making common sense literally nonexistent as all that exists is this glorious weedy ride where all is creation, art, laughter, enjoyment and chatting about existential matters that in no way regarded LIFE on Earth.

I would spend time at the terrace just taking pictures of the sky, hearing music, drawing, ‘living life’ in such peace that you know, everyone would like to just ‘stay like that forever’ – never daring to look at the real reality of human beings –why ruin such a moment? Everyone would think, and I also thought the same way until I dared to take off the blindfold for once and for all.

High-in-the-sea

2004

 

Some Self-Forgiveness for such existential-conversations with arguments to back up the Religion of Self as ‘the artist.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I in no way could ever see myself in a 9-5 job, saying that ‘I am way more capable than that,’ which was an obvious excuse and justification to ponder myself as this ‘artist’ that is ‘above’ the regular people and has this ‘special gift’ that makes her beyond the regular mortals, which is absolutely egotistical and self-centered statements where I was in no way aware of the reality of the world, but only caring about fulfilling my dreams and being with people that could whole-heartedly agree that they would not be able to see themselves in such a way either

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I could not see myself doing anything else than ‘art,’ I had the perfect excuse to never have to have a ‘regular job’ because apparently, I knew better and my life was ‘too special’ for that, which is the entire ego that got inflated by myself, my own thoughts, people around me throughout my life that also agreed that I had this ‘specialness’ in me that would get me into ‘very high places,’ lol never really realizing that they were only supporting my own ego-high that I even made real through becoming a religious weedy ‘ritualistic’ person, believing that my career was almost like a ‘divine gift’ and that I was able to have a ‘great life’ this life for some ‘good karma’ or something, which is how I justified and excused following my desires, having a good life and excusing poverty in this world as ‘bad karma people.’ Which is how I simply at that time ‘stopped caring’ about the world, because I was justifying everything with spirituality

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge everyone that had what I called ‘an ordinary life’ which was linked to having a ‘regular job’ and having to spend all day at work/ with kids and family, which I deemed like a curse to someone, just to be able to justify my desire to escape the system through my career.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my career as ‘an artist,’ could be the perfect excuse for me to not follow (and wallow according to my self-belief) into the family system of having kids, getting married, ‘settling down’ in just one place because I was busy following dreams of traveling, being famous, remaining ‘unsettled’ and ‘without a compromise’ with anything or anyone else than ‘art,’ which means that ‘art’ became my religion and my ‘savior’ from ‘the system,’ as an entire personality suit that I used to avoid having to take responsibility for myself and looking at the world that only ‘served me’ as inspiration, but in no way was I considering how to practically assist and support myself and others to make it a better place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘living an ordinary life doesn’t allow you to expand and be creative’ which became like a mantra that I would repeat myself wherein ‘ordinary life’ meant having a proper job, family, money, desires for success and having a cool position within the world-system through business and professions that had nothing to do with ‘artistic careers,’ which is how I used ‘art’ as an excuse to be an ‘eccentric person’ meaning out of the ‘usual drill’ of living, which is nothing else but justifying the actual fear of having to face myself in the world system and be In it as a regular participant, believing that I could surely live of art and being ‘an artist,’ just because everything had been ‘so easy for me,’ which started becoming a self-religious belief wherein everything would come ‘with ease’ to me, believing it had to be like a divine gift of sorts for me to be able to enjoy ‘my life’ in this life as some type of good-deeds-in-the-past-life reward. Absolutely unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would not be ‘free’ if I had a husband and children, and equating marriage and children to a prison, a jail that I would run away from and even react in obvious disgust whenever anyone dared to question my ‘beliefs’ around marriage and having children in the future, just because of linking it to being bound to one place, having an ‘ordinary life’ when all I wanted was to be a ‘free spirited person’ that can ‘create’ and move around with no commitment, which would have actually lead me nowhere because the system simply does not work like that – meaning: to make money, you must be stable and committed to one point to work it through and finding odd ways to make a living is often leading to massive uncertainty in all aspects of our lives, which is why people that ‘make it’ are the most ‘settled,’ and within this understanding I see and realize that in order to equalize myself as the system, I must ‘settle down’ within the understanding and commitment to stand equal and one to the system of money and finally get past the ‘fears’ of being ‘ordinary’ as a self-belief.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a family, getting married, having a regular job implies constricting any form of ‘freedom,’ which implies that I believed myself to be ‘free’ in any form, never ever actually realizing how nothing and no one is Free until ALL is Free – and in that, simply using excuses and justifications for me to not ground myself to understand that, I could only thrive within the system by standing equal and one to it, which meant ‘the end’ to all these airy-fairy dreams of art and a ‘free spirited’ life-creation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my sister’s life and avoid at all cost becoming ‘like them,’ which meant the definition of having an ‘ordinary life,’ that till this day I see I have still judged as ‘ordinary’ and ‘boring’ and ‘constricting’ which are all aspects that come from this desire, want and need of myself to be ‘free’ and ‘unbound’ which is only a mindfuck of myself to perpetuate my own personality as ‘superior’ and ‘more intelligent’ – apparently – for deciding not to be bound to a relationship, a place, or even having desires to create a family and have kids – all of which was already quite ‘settled’ in my sister’s minds when they were my age.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience actual fear when writing about ‘creating a family’ because that is an aspect of ‘life’ that I ‘do not like talking about at all’ just because of how I have linked marriage, kids and family to being like a hell that I tried to escape through defining myself as/ becoming ‘an artist,’ and within such tag, making myself acceptable as the ‘eccentric one’ within my family = meaning ‘the one that would break the mold.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually future project myself with a partner living in a little house away from the city where he could play music, I could create art and have fun riding back and forth to the city to make money with art/ any other occupation and leave a ‘peaceful kind of life’ which became like this ‘dream’ in the back of my head that I almost get myself into fully right before I got to Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could in no way follow my sisters’ steps in life, which meant studying a career, working for a while to make enough money to then settle into having kids and having a family, just because of all the judgments I created toward ‘creating a family’ and believing that to be the ultimate imprisonment for ‘a free spirited being like me.’ Lol

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and create my entire life as being ‘the antithesis of my sisters’ wherein I made sure that I would wear ‘the artist’s gown’ proudly, so that I could justify my actual fear to ever participate in the system of money as a regular being that has a stable job, that has a husband and kids, because that would mean the absolute ‘brainwashing type of life’ wherein I judged everyone that would follow dreams of success and money as ‘brainwashed,’ without realizing that I was doing the exact same thing, just veering to another direction but in the end: only seeking my personal heaven all the time in my ‘own particular way’ which became ‘my religion.’

 

I forgive myself to still hold on to the memory of my sister’s final exam in her uni where she was granted some honors that made everyone proud, and within that, thinking that I had to ‘top that’ which became this elusive comparison that I had to apparently ‘beat’ with my career just to remain within my self-belief of being ‘the most intelligent of my family’ that had a ‘promissory future,’ wherein the entire fear of failing at fulfilling such desire looms in the back of my head based on these future projections that I would participate in based in ‘making it’ within the art world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to admire my sister because of having had a great final exam and great career development – then becoming disillusioned about her once that she had to quit her ‘kickass job’ because of following her desires to get married and have a kid, which was only confirming what ‘I was expecting of her,’ as self-righteous judgment that I used to fuel the idea that: ‘even if she was ‘great’ in her career, she won’t follow through with it, because her desires to have a family will be stronger than becoming successful in her career’ – and so it happened and I only fueled my self-righteous prognostic.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take a position of superiority in comparison to my sisters wherein I have believed myself to be ‘more intelligent’ and ‘wiser’ because of not following the usual ideas of having a relationship and being planning to ‘settle down’ and getting the entire house/ marriage/ kids type of life which I have judged them for in the back of my head, without realizing that it was all based on me actually fearing having to face such a life because it meant having to stand in the system and have an ‘ordinary life’ of making money to ‘settle myself down’ the same way that they have done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘There is no way that I ‘m going to waste myself that way’ wherein I used my sisters as the example of everything that I did Not want to be/ become, still till this day seeing their lives as boring and dull, which is just a spiteful judgment and self-righteous to justify my actual fear of even considering myself living their lives of great responsibility now that they have children.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear and be petrified by the mere idea of having children.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘support’ and a ‘supportive relationship’ that of someone that could agree with me whenever I would talk about ‘having an ordinary life’ as the worst thing one could ever do in a lifetime, and in that believing that whomever had ‘the same ideals in life’ was meant to be with me for the rest of my life, lol

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually veil myself from seeing that I was no different to my sisters/ anyone else in the world that plans a future with someone that can ‘agree’ with them and their ‘lifestyle’ which in essence comprises the same desires for happiness/ fulfillment/ satisfaction just the ‘means’ and ‘ways’ of obtaining that is what differs.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I wasn’t born to be that way’ pointing out ‘the way’ as the path that my sisters/ what I deemed ‘regular people’ would follow through within their lives, wherein I would instead believe that I had this ‘special gift’ that I could use as a justification to not have to go through that ‘path in life’ of the ‘ordinary living conditions.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and be with likeminded people,’ which is how I would deliberately seek to create relationships within ‘the artworld’ and through those relationships believe ourselves to be ‘superior’ than the rest of the world because of the entire self-brainwash of considering ‘arts’ as an evolutionary step within a human being, which is how I would justify my own denigration toward ‘the ordinary lives’ that people live, without ever realizing the type of life I was aiming at being no different to that of any other ‘regular person’ in the world, and that I was in fact only seeking to be also happy, fulfilled and having a partner in life that I could continue my ‘creative dreams’ with, which still till this day remained as some elusive ideal in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the relationship that I had with that one person was absolutely ‘meant to be’ and it’s the relationship that has took me the most till this day to self-forgive and absolutely let go, because of all the dreams that I built around it for over half of my life – so, I realize that my dreams to be an artist were also based on wanting to be a special person that could be with this other ‘special person’ and be together in our ‘creative dreams’ wherein we could have art as the religion that binds us. This means that, within me realizing the religion I was following as ‘art,’ I am able to see with more clarity how I was structuring my life according to a single belief system that is no different to someone else’s wishes and desires to be ‘rich’ and famous, being absolutely religious in one way or another, or having knowledge as their ultimate ‘worth’ in themselves – art became that point that would bind my dreams and my relationship with the person that I had ‘dreamed’ about for a long time. Never ever questioning how come it had actually happened the exact same way I had envisioned it, and to what extent that relationship defined the entirety of ‘who I am’ and ‘what I want to be’ in the future.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I could do this forever: creating and enjoying life’ which was part of the self-belief that I followed in order to continue my self-definition of being with this particular person in my life, and reinforcing ideas of not having to be making a living out of ‘bullshit’ in this world – wherein ‘bullshit’ meant anything Not related to art-creation/ performance, etc.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think ‘What a better way to live life but to create!’ and in that, justifying my self-religion of seeking the ultimate satisfaction and relationship to others through that self-religion, as a way to not have to face the world system, remain in my happy-go-lucky artistic bubble with ‘likeminded people’ that I could simply use as a reinforcement to my own ‘decisions in life to be and become an artist,’ just because they were doing the same with their lives: trying to escape from themselves/ the world, feeling victimized from ‘the world system’ and wanting to create a safe haven outside of the city to just ‘be free, live and create,’ all of it just being a pipe dream, literally.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was genuinely happy at that time, which became just a mechanism of my mind to always take me back to those times/ memories as if I was genuinely happy and fulfilled, when in reality I was in the most self-suppressed state of being within a relationship that was not supportive at all and just using anything I could to not have to face myself, making myself co-dependent to another’s dreams and in that, make them ‘my own’ through association, due to the belief of art being a ‘savior’ in our lives, no different to any other religion.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I in no-way could do anything else than ‘art’ or any other artistic career like playing music, writing, photography and all these activities that seemed ‘acceptable’ as a profession in the world system, yet not fully being defined within my mind as the ‘ordinary type of career,’ which is how I came to justify my entire existence being based on ‘dream-fulfilling’ through art as a way to escape the world system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could remain drawing forever and be with people that would be also creative and be ‘happy together’ lol, which became just the usual way to justify my career my decision and ‘what I want to do with my life’ with this entire ‘feel good’ attitude to it. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to establish my ideal life/ my idea of fun as being with someone else in a relationship wherein one could be playing music and I could be creating graphic art and fulfill our ‘creative dreams’ together, which is why I had a tendency to seek out for musicians lol – It’s an exorcism here so

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately seek out for musicians to establish a relationship with, because of the dream that I held oh so dearly as my ideal life wherein I could be ‘creating plastic/ visual arts’ and ‘he’ the ‘ideal partner’ could make the music for it, which became like this perfect future as the creative couple – just like many couples in the artworld that I sought to emulate – couples playing in bands, couples directing music videos, couples working in art-creation together.

 

Art Saves

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself believing that I could in no way take a regular job, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am following my ‘self-religion’ as ‘the artist’ wherein I would justify my aversion to having to be In the system and have a regular income Within the system – thus I direct myself to equalize myself to the system wherein no matter what I do to earn money, I realize that the purpose of doing this is to support myself, to be In the system and to support an actual process of changing the way the world-system works which implies that I won’t only be in it for the mere sake of survival, but as an active participant to finally establish a world system wherein I/ we won’t have to depend on money any longer as a limit to what we want to be/ become in our lives, this implies that standing up for life in equality as a new monetary system will allow each person to express themselves in the way that they really want to live and exist as wherein money will no longer define what an ‘ordinary’ or ‘extraordinary’ life is based on the way that money is made to live/ survive in the world system.

 

When and as I see myself denigrating anyone that is currently living a life within the system and having what I had deemed as an ‘ordinary life,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the spitefulness that I bred in my mind in order to not have to face myself going through the actual equalization of myself as the system, which implies that I direct myself to simply focus on what I have to do and become in order to really stand Within the system, no longer defining it as following a dream/ deviating from a dream – but living decisions that are based in the common sensical steps required for each one of us to take Self-Responsibility for this world and do what we have to do to manifest it/ create it as a living-activity until it is done.

 

When and as I see myself ‘pondering’ what I would be doing if I had followed my dreams and all of the idealism I sought to fulfill in my life – I stop and I breathe – I realize that such ideas were simply pipe dreams that I used in order to not face myself, to not take Self-Responsibility – hence I stand as the decision that I’ve taken to support myself to exist as an individual that become part of the people that support themselves to let go of all limitations and fears to actually change the world from within and without through practically taking one point in our world as ‘our responsibility ‘and following through with it as a life commitment.

 

When and as I see myself judging people’s lives as ‘ordinary’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that I gave such definition in a derogatory way to believe that I was making the ‘right choices’ in life, based on preferences/ self-beliefs and ideas of me as an ‘artist’ being able to have an ‘eccentric unique life,’ an ‘extraordinary’ life, which is part of the programming embedded within society wherein an ‘artist’ is acceptable as ‘not normal’ based on societal patterns which is nothing else but another belief system in itself that in no way regards life in equality in/ as all living beings. I stop placing further tags upon life itself.

 

When and as I see myself silently judging marriage, families, having kids, and the act of ‘settling down,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I judged that as ‘ordinary’ and as the ‘locks of the system,’ based on me fearing standing one and equal as the system and actually fearing ever committing myself to such points in life, which I see that once I remove the fear and judgment to it, if and the point is here to be walked, I am willing to do so within the consideration of what is best for all life at all times and never in self-interest desires.

 

When and as I see myself fearing ‘settling down’ because of having the idea of always being and remaining a ‘free spirited person,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the career choice was based on me being able to perpetuate myself as a ‘free being,’ but never based on actual practical physical reality taking into consideration earning money/ working within the system, but my entire decision was based on dreams, preferences and desires which I’ve walked previously – thus I realize that the direction that I give to myself will be based on being able to have a stable income, a stable place wherein I can work in the most suitable position in order for me to be an active participant in the changes that we’ll be walking within the world system, wherein I ensure that I am no longer bound to dreams and desires of the past – and instead, ground myself (lol wrote moneyself) to have a stable financial position as that is the primary point within the world system, as well as establishing relationships of Self-Support in the physical and practical considerations and no longer based on desire, attraction, support of fellow belief-systems and personalities and ego.

 

When and as I see myself comparing my life to the one of my sisters and their decisions in life, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to simply direct myself in the consideration of what’s best for all and not only trying to ‘step out of the family-mold’ which implies that I no longer resist walking any similar steps as all decision will be based on the point I’ll be walking in my reality which will be placing myself in the most suitable position in the world system to establish the necessary changes in the world in the consideration of Life in Equality – the measuring point for this will be cross referenced with people that I can get further perspectives on what is best for all whenever I see myself being stuck at making decision – yet being aware that whatever decision I take, will be walked in the name of Life itself – and never again my ego and personal desires.

 

When and as I see myself comparing the careers that my sisters’ have had – I stop and I breathe, I realize that such comparison stemmed from my desire to be ‘superior’ as ‘more intelligent’ within the family, which is all ego based – therefore I let go of my desire to end up being perceived as a ‘cunning’ person, but instead follow through with the necessary points to finish and walk the next steps in my life, preparing myself to place myself in the position that I will require to be in to support within this process of self-change into a world system based on Life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘missing out on life’ being ‘life’ linked to my previous artistic endeavors, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I had linked my entire future to ‘being an artist’ and within that, having no regard to me becoming someone that would have even get to positions that I officially ‘loathed’ in terms of it all having to do with social and political management, which is what I am willing to be and become as well as the necessary education, because that’s the foundation of support for all humans beings to start considering Life in Equality – so, I realize that what I will be doing will be actively participating in the near future, within the education of myself and others within the principles of Life in Equality and structuring my life in away wherein I can ensure that all relationships that I establish are in direct accordance to this process, my life commitment first, and then to existence as a whole, which is standing as who I really am in all aspects of my life.

 

When and as I see myself being ‘unsatisfied’ and seeking happiness, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such happiness I had linked it to airy-fairy dreams of ‘creation’ that were in no way supportive, and only based on equally high-conversations that did not consider the practical living reality at all but were just literal pipe dreams that would only serve to our egos and our desire to not face ourselves, which is unacceptable – thus I support myself to remind myself of the commitment to life I’ve made and that won’t require to be a ‘constant reminder’ as when I am here as breath as life, there is no need to desire or ‘yearn’ for happiness or fulfillment – one simply walks the decision with no desire to experience something , but walks in self-responsibility as the correction to stop all the self-interest and desires that have been the building blocks of this current world-system that we are her to stop within and as ourselves and correct/ direct into a best for all outcome.

 

When and as I see myself looking at people as ‘potential partners’ based on what they do in life – placing preference to musicians – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am falling into the egotistical pattern of ‘being an artist’ and in that already creating a preference of people over others – thus I commit myself to stop following my dreams and desires toward people based on ‘what they do,’ but instead support myself to establish agreements, relationships in all aspects within the consideration of what is best for all life – wherein no preference intervenes to place myself in the most suitable position within the world system to walk my decision to support myself and others equal and one within this process.

 

I let go of my art religion, because I see that this is the ‘real god’ I’ve worshipped the longest in my life and it had gone so inadvertently that it is like draining myself from my ‘safe haven’ – It had always been ‘here’ as something ‘in the background’ throughout my life, never wanting to admit that it was like this faith that I kept as myself, just like people keep ‘their god’ up there, as a faith that they can just hold on to as a point of resort and self-definition.

 

I breathe and realize I am here, and that letting go of all these dreams and ideas and future projections can only allow myself to become more self-directive in the decisions that I make from here on in my life, wherein I won’t allow myself to seek out a relationship based on any artistic bond or desires to ‘create’ and ‘be happy’ – but instead take into consideration the actual ‘facing’ of the world system that requires our absolute self-responsibility to practically and physically establish solutions wherein we stop for a moment seeking only our self-interested futures and instead create/ build a future that is best for all.

 

 

No es mi sisema 05

No es mi sistema 2005 (It’s not my system)

This is an allusion of how I saw the world as ‘too corrupted’ for my pure beating heart  – instead of realizing I was IT as well. I face the system as myself without wanting to remain in a separate bubble of dreams – I am the only one that can save myself.

 

Blogs:

 

These interviews supported me to realize what  ‘my religion’ was linked to money as the ultimate experience


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