Tag Archives: frustration

191. Anger and Irritation upon Procrastination– Self Correction

 

Consequences within the Procrastination Character – Self Corrective Statements and Commitments

This is  a continuation to: 189. Anger and Irritation upon Procrastination – Self Forgiveness from the day October 21, 2012

When and as I see myself experiencing anger and irritation toward my own neglect and deliberate brushing off of responsibilities that I’ve committed myself to do – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to add a layer of emotional turmoil to that which is required to be done and given direction to in physical reality.

I commit myself to stop participating in anger and this is a process – yes – as I see and realize that the anger that I have exerted toward something/ someone outside of myself are stemming from me only and that it is Never about others. (Listen to the Quantum Mind series Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 22+23)

Thus I realize that anything could trigger this experience within me as it is in fact only me being angry at myself for not having corrected/ given direction to points within my world and reality wherein any point can become a trigger point to exert my own creation toward my own actions/ inactions.

 

When and as I see myself creating a rush about things, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I cannot move faster than the physical space time and within that, it is pointless to create a rush within me to direct/ move/ sort out things which is actually an energetic input stemming as a direct consequence to my own parsimony toward the time required for the task that I have neglected.

 

When and as I see myself recriminating myself for not having done something over time, I stop and I breathe – I realize that creating an experience of anger and irritation about the time spent having remain ‘stuck’ within one point, is further mind possession that requires a physical direction in the moment, which I suggest is writing it out in order to see how I can practically stop the emotional turmoil and give myself proper direction which implies, breathing, stabilizing  myself and then continuing with the task that must be done.

I commit myself to work closely with my emotional reactions to ensure that I am not  using Self Forgiveness as a way to exert the emotions without giving it immediate self direction, as that would obviously nullify the point of Self Forgiveness.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to lash out/ exert my anger toward the world because of my own procrastination and unresolved points that I Know I have to direct, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within exerting my own unresolved points toward others is abdicating my responsibility and further victimization wherein I see that this is a pattern that I also learned from what I saw at home and developed myself which just emerged here as I write – so through self forgiveness first:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within being angry and irritated for things not going ‘my way’ exert such anger toward others so that others in that moment could also be aware of my anger and even wanting to deliberately affect them with my anger so that I am actually creating a point of power over others through making them react in fear toward my anger/ become angry themselves, wherein the experience is then only fueled without any correction but simply wanting to deliberately make others angry/ experience the same I was experiencing, which reveals to what extent when there is no self-awareness of what we are in fact accepting and allowing to exist within us, we lash out our experience toward others without caring how it is affecting others – within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider how my own anger affects others and how I am in fact responsible not only for myself, but for the experience that I instigate deliberately in a seemingly non-conscious manner toward others, without realizing that it is obviously done with the intention of others ‘feeling my anger’ in order for me to then justify my experience and within this, through anger, getting myself back to a positive experience when saying ‘I had a reason to be angry’ which is not acceptable in any way.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to deliberately lash out my anger toward others in order to have an effect on them and within this, have a form of power and control through them reacting in fear – I obviously stop and I breathe – I realize that others noticing that I am angry will in fact only fuel my own anger and irritation which is something that I have to sort out/ deal with/ correct within myself only – and that wanting others to be directly affected by my experience is in fact abdicating my responsibility to the points that I have to work with myself.

Thus I realize that anger in itself is another form of self manipulation to try and have others commiserating to my own negligence and in this case, procrastination, instead of realizing that every consequence must be faced here, directly in stability and within this understanding that me exerting anger is only perpetuating the cycles of self-abuse and indirectly seeking to involve others within my experience, which is plain evil.

I commit myself to stop my impulse to exert anger toward others in order for them to be aware that ‘there’s something going on with me’ which is plain manipulation in order to be able to involve others in my own experience, which is not acceptable as this is my process, my responsibility and within this, I cannot allow myself to perpetuate and externalize that which I have created for myself and through myself only.

This is how I can practically ensure that I stop creating division and wars in our world as I see that the moment that we externalize any point of friction with a deliberate desire to have others participate in it my experience, is another form of validating the experience in itself, which is not acceptable at all.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to rush things now because of having procrastinated them for a while, I stop and I breathe – I realize that now rushing to ‘get it done’ is not a self-honest way of living and it’s not what I would want myself to be and become only to ‘get the task/project done’ in a middle/ half-assed way – thus I ensure that I make the necessary arrangements in my world and reality to walk this point till its completion as it is my responsibility and point to direct/ solve/ sort out within the absolute understanding that creating further experiences about it is useless to create a solution, therefore only a waste of time.

 

I commit myself to understand that those projects/ tasks that I commit myself to walk, are part of that which I have decided to do as an extension/ expression of ourselves. This implies that getting things done just to ‘get by’ is only a dishonest expression of myself that I would certainly not want myself to express as, nor others for that matter.  This is to realize that the commitment to walk a point of responsibility implies the realization that I am here to correct the patterns that I lived thus far that are not self-supportive and within this, my deeds/ words are the direct physical and tangible proof of any form of self correction I am committing myself to. Thus I take equal responsibility for what I have committed myself to do and that are all equally part of the responsibilities that I have taken on in my life.

 

When and as I see myself equating life to ‘getting things done’ as only being a production machine, qualifying my life according to tasks to get done in order to define ‘who I am’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that tasks, projects and points that I have decided to do and take responsibility for are points that I have agreed to do as part of my own living-experience within the world system and within my own process  – within this, it is to realize that committing myself to do something is actually designating the necessary time to do it, as I realize that not doing so, creates consequences for myself and everyone else involved .

 

Within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how my own actions/ inactions would also affect others wherein even if I knew that I had to do it, I simply didn’t do it. So this is part of me having to realize how every point of procrastination can be linked to individual moments of deciding to do ‘something else/ something that made me feel good about myself’ instead of doing what I was requiring to do.

When and as I see myself only considering me and my own consequences when not doing something deliberately – I stop and I breathe – I realize that the responsibility that I’ve taken on is not only toward myself but anyone else involved. Thus, I take responsibility for myself, my actions/ inactions and the consequential outflow they create toward others and reality as a whole.

 

When and as I see myself creating an experience upon getting more responsibilities, I stop and I breathe –I realize that getting any sort of anxiety or stress about it does not solve the point, will not allow me to work ‘better’ through it. It is a single physical point wherein I can instead focus on considering the task to bet done, assess it throughout some time to see how I can fit in all that must be done within my schedule and according to testing it out for some time, assess whether I am capable of doing it nor not. This is to then not further compromise myself with projects/ tasks to be done without having an actual living-physical decision to actually do it. Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to face the consequence of not getting things done based on taking on other responsibilities and deliberately knowing that I was neglecting this other task that I must get done no matter what, eventually ending up procrastinating due to my desire to be able to ‘keep up’ with everything  and have time for it all, without realizing that in this I am only doing so as a point of compromise which is based on not wanting to let others down about my participation in things, which is something that I have to consider without the image/ role point that I have created of myself, and instead for this moment until I get this major task done, to consider how it is necessary for me to focus on my reality responsibilities before continuing developing any other points.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to take further points/ responsibilities without considering the ones that I am deliberately ignoring and leaving behind, yet knowing that I have to do them anyways – I stop and I breathe – I have to make a very cold decision in every moment that I agree to participate in something, as I realize that each decision implies a responsibility and a consequences and that I would not want for myself/ nor others to take several points and eventually not dedicating myself to them in every moment, but being rushing to do it, which is not cool at all.

I commit myself to assess in a very conscious manner the decisions I make in order to taken on projects, responsibilities and tasks when I have one single point that is being procrastinated/ not done and requires immediate attention.

I commit myself to ‘remind’ me of the consequential outflow of having procrastinated something wherein one does not know how such procrastination will create an eventual consequence wherein that one single ‘lagging point’ determines our reality and our very own internal stance toward ourselves and everything that we participate in.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for my own experience, I stop and I breathe –I realize that I must stop at all times exerting my experience toward others as I am the only one that must work with anger and irritation toward myself. Thus

I commit myself to stop reacting and blaming others for my own experience, being it music in the outside or people making noises – I realize that when I am here as breath, these points are not able to affect who I am. Thus every moment from here on when I see myself making a big deal out of an external aspect apparently ‘tampering’ my ability to direct myself effectively, I stop and I breathe – and I instead investigate how I have created this irritation and annoyance based on my own actions/ inactions within my world and reality according to tasks/ points that must be done and my physical direction to them.

 

I commit myself to stop becoming a demon in itself when it comes to being angry and irritated within myself toward myself due to what I have done/ not done as myself and exerting it upon others, as I see and realize that my starting point of doing so is that of wanting to get a positive experience for having others react to my own emotional state, which is a rather evil way of getting myself to a positive state and justify the anger and experience because at the eyes of others is apparently ‘okay’ for me to be angry and frustrated, even though I realize that the moment that I see in their eyes a point of fear and powerlessness toward my own anger, I get myself back to a positive experience because at least I have made others equally angry/ unstable as I am.

 

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169. Imagination as a Distraction to Not Do things

When it comes to walking the procrastination character in relation to imagination, I could see myself having both positive and negative projections wherein within ‘playing’ with both, I would end up simply being entertained in the mind by either/or with no physical / tangible doing that would mean a single decision to get things done, such as just writing it out.

Thus as much as imagination would be linked to facing a point of fear in relation to the task at hand, the positive imagination would be me convincing myself of what I could instead do to not have to face the point of actually just doing it.

 

A specific thought among others is when I think of me being at the office of my professor and waiting for a verdict on my paper wherein such single image of the office is linked with a negative energy experience that I have created a resistance toward due to thinking and believing that the word ‘revision’ means doing it all over again several times. I explained the thought of ‘the office’ in the previous blog linked to fear of having to confront my ideas with another person – hence the thought would become an actual play out of events in my mind which is more in the realm of imagination of how it would go finally facing the point and how I would direct myself in the situation:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to actually doing the written document due to this single thought of me sitting in front of my professor’s chair at his office and waiting for a verdict on the current state of the work, hoping for it to go well without realizing that with me creating this single thought and going into the imagination of him telling me that it is either ‘done’ or ‘requires a lot of re-writing to be done,’ I create an actual resistance to do anything at all – this means that whether my imagination is positive or negative about it, I remain entertained only in my mind about it instead of actually physically doing it.

 

When and as I see myself entertaining myself in my mind with regards to a positive or negative feedback upon my work, I stop and I breathe – I realize that what is being created in my mind is of no substance other than my own thoughts that are built upon a future projection of me having ‘finished the work,’ which is precisely what needs to be directed by me in physical reality.

 

I realize that I will invariably have to face such imagination-point as an actual event of going for revisions and that in no way do I require to create an expectation about it being good or bad – I assist and support myself to remain here as breath when and as I approach the office/ the person and take things as breath, ensuring that I do not try to make things only ‘my way’ but am open to perspectives/ constructive criticism that can in fact assist and support me to expand my current view/ perspective on the point.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘revision’ to a negative experience wherein I believe that I will have to re-do everything again and link this ‘re-doing’ to the ‘worst case scenario’ that I participate in within my mind, without realizing that this fear is actually me preventing me from actually doing anything at all.

 

Thus, when and as I see myself imagining the moment of revision of my work and being anxious and nervous while having him reading the whole thing, expecting for the worst to happen, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able and capable of supporting myself to remain here as breath, realize that I can only hear and be willing to co-operate within going through the written document as many times as required in order to have everything done in a suitable manner, without creating any stress or anger for having to repeat the whole thing/ repeat some parts as I see and realize that this is part of doing this work thus

I commit myself to stop any fear and imaginary play outs of the worst case scenario as having to repeat myself several times, which I see is a possibility within the nature of the current task at hand – and that in no way do I require to create a negative experience toward it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a future projection of be expecting ‘the worst’ within the imagination-rolling of this thought of the office wherein I play out a hypothetical situation of me having to re-do the whole thing over and over and over again, getting frustrated about it and this is so without realizing that with me simply giving Into this thinking and imagination processes, I am in fact giving permission for me to eventually really go through this,  as I am being the creator of myself and my reality, believing that I somehow had to ‘face’ such points in order to see ‘who I am’ within them, which is absolutely Not necessary as I can simply decide to stop all future projections in the negative realm of it all ‘going wrong,’ stop all resistances and fears in one single moment and actually do the doing as an actual doing as point of Self Movement that must take place by my own physical decision to type and write it out.

When and as I see myself rolling the thought of the office into an imaginary moment of having to confront my work with another being, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me sabotaging myself with no substance to it other than entertaining myself in the mind instead of actually doing – thus

I commit myself to stop going into imagination about future projecting the confrontation/ presentation of my work with other beings and as such, assist and support myself to be here as breath throughout the entire process, as I see and realize that going into nervousness, anxiety or frustration leads nowhere but having to eventually do it all over again no matter what, as I realize that this has to be done and there is no other way around it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the imagination of being in the room of examination with all professors and having them asking the question ‘what does this all have to do with your career’? which is a primary imagination play out due to my own backchat toward my career choice and my belief that I am betraying ‘my vocation’ by now being dedicated more to the study of the human mind and not so much in the creative process of visual arts, without realizing that we use our mind to create and as such there is no possibility to dissociate a physical externalization as an ‘expression’ of ourselves without making use of the mind.

Thus I realize that this self-creation process is of course as relevant as any other aspect/ consideration within any expression, as it is an externalization of who we are/ how we are existing as the mind.

When and as I see myself going into imagination of that moment of having to confront my work and receive criticism for it not being ‘visual arts related,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that there’s no sense of going into this thoughts and participate within it as it is only based on fear and further backchat that I’ve had toward my own career and current interests in life, which can be certainly equally supported by both activities, as both points are related to who we are as humans and as such, there’s no need to create a dissonance around this in my mind any further.

 

I commit myself to stick to the physical, common-sense reality that is here for me to walk and direct myself in, wherein I do not require to imagine the whole thing ‘being done’ as I can only stick to writing it and working on it as a physical action in the moment, as I see and realize that imagining possible outcomes with it serves no purpose but distraction in relation to the actual work that requires to be done.

— to be continued

 

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127. Confessions of a Control Freak

I Forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to relate the word control to myself as a negative experience in relation to the illusion of being able to control another’s expression/ words as well as my environment, to the extent where whenever I hear the word ‘control’ I try to hide and suppress the actual identification that I have kept within myself, in a rather foolish manner as who am I as control but fear itself.

When and as I see myself reacting to the word control – I stop and I breathe – I realize that control does not exist, it is an illusion that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as in order to try and create a point of external stability within an environment and toward others’ words and deeds, which is separation.

 

Thus I realize that control as a living word means directing myself as one and equal, which implies taking into consideration another’s context so that I ensure that who I am within a particular moment toward another is not superior, nor inferior, nor separated from another but instead, allow myself to see where and how I can direct myself as an equal to that something/ someone and as such, realize that any illusion of control only exists as a desire stemming from actual fear of an environment/ someone in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the illusion of control wherein if something/someone’s expression/ words are out of place/ out of my schemes I react in anxiety as that is something that I cannot possibly ‘control,’ which is only indicating that I haven’t established myself as an equal and one relationship to that something/ someone, as I am still existing within the illusion and belief of me having any control upon something/ someone.  

When and as I see myself reacting in anxiety when seeing something/ someone’s words and deeds being ‘out of my control,’ I stop and I breathe – Instead of reacting with backchat, I direct myself to take a deep breath and see where I am reacting to words according to such words being directed toward me and instead see where and how I can direct myself to an equal and one consideration/ starting point of self-support.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the backchat ‘why did he/she say that? Why the fuck is he/she still thinking about that?’ wherein I am implying that I want the person to already be ‘beyond’ a particular way of thinking, which is me wanting to impose my own ideals of what another should be talking about/ expressing according to my own schemes that I have imposed onto a particular person, wherein I then project judgment upon another by standing in an apparent superiority mode as if ‘I knew better’ at all times – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that the words/ the expression is related to me as the ‘who I am’ in my mind, wherein then I react in a extreme want/ need/ desire to control their expression just because of how I am in fact identifying myself with what’s being said, which implies that I am in reality fearing myself being hurt/ damaged/ thought about in a similar way by another, which implies that I am fearing thoughts as if they implied any real harm toward another, as I see and realize that all thoughts are self-created and as such, the consequences exist only toward oneself at all time.

I realize that I then take responsibility for my own words, thoughts and deeds wherein instead of wanting to control another’s backchat and thoughts, I focus on stopping my reactions to words themselves as words are innocent – yet it is us and the relationships we have created with words that are the actual point of abuse.

When and as I see myself fearing another’s words/ backchat being related to me in any way whatsoever, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is me allowing myself to be separated from words and creating a reaction to them by taking them ‘personally’ and I see and realize that the only thing that can take something personal is the ego of the mind as in the physical, all words that are not able to be lived are simply irrelevant to who and what I am here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control others expression/words/ deeds in order for me to remain ‘safe’ within the predictability that such point of constancy and consistency as a form of control upon others represent, wherein nothing goes ‘out of MY control’ and in that, ensuring that I remain within a position of comfort and familiarity, not realizing how this sense of ‘comfort and familiarity’ within an apparent control of my environment/ others within it, is actually a constant application of actually fearing the ‘unpredictable’ which is always something feared in relation to what others can ‘do to me’/ how something can directly affect me, which reveals the application of control as a form of absolute self interest, wherein such interest stands as a strong desire to keep everything ‘under my control’ as a form of power and superiority in my mind so that ‘nothing can harm me.’

I see and realize that my application of and as control has always existed as a cover up for the actual fear of things being ‘out of my control’ and in that, realizing that I have never in fact being in control of anything or anyone, as I see and realize how we have never even been able to be actually controlling/ self-directing our own thoughts, movements and actions at all times. Thus I see how the illusion of control is just another form of fear masked with superiority upon others, exerted through means and ways that impose fear in order to create an illusion of ‘order and stability,’ which is part of the totalitarian means in which I allowed myself to develop a form of stability as a character within/as control.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to create a point ‘order and stability’ within controlling others expression/ words, I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am in fact fearing things going ‘out of control’ and the unpredictable-  thus I direct myself to instead of reacting to words/ deeds, I take such words and deeds to support myself to see ‘who I am’ within such words, take responsibility for my reactions and then, if I am able and capable of in the moment, assist and support another to walk through the point of self-delusion as words that imply an obvious point of harm and self-abuse.

 

I realize that the responsibility that we hold toward words is individual – and this implies that I take responsibility for the words that I exert/ express as a form and within/as the desire for control, as well as the reactions toward words that I assess within my mind as being ‘out of my control,’ wherein I see the point as separate from me instead of seeing and realizing that real harm would not be only existent as words but as an actual living out of such harm in a physical manner.

Thus I assist and support myself as another to walk through words that imply an obvious point of self-abuse/ physical abuse toward oneself or another and as such see how the point is not to control another’s words implying abuse, but assisting and supporting them to walk through the point of abuse once that I have Self-Forgiven and written out a point of practical application in relation to stopping reactions toward words and focus on assisting and supporting another to do the same.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear imposing myself and often holding the backchat of ‘I am a really difficult person to deal with,’ wherein I believe that If I was in another’s shoes talking to me, I’d be wanting to throw a tantrum against myself, which implies how I haven’t equalized myself to my expression of self-direction in equality, which is the definition of control that I see I am allowing myself to live and apply in order to assist and support myself to give myself and others equal and one direction toward that which is best for all, which is what we as the mind fear, resist or react to simply because we have never stood one and equal as our minds.

I see and realize that the reactions toward the word control can only exist if I allow myself to create a point of superiority or inferiority in relation to what control means – thus I realize that in my mind any application of control has stemmed from an actual fear of ‘not being controlling something/ someone’ which implies by default that I had never in fact stood in an equal and one “relationship” to another, but always creating either an inferiority or superiority point.

Inferiority – In-fear-I roar- it – which is how control as an apparent/ illusionary form of control as ‘grandiosity/ magnificence/ god status’ is created, which is how superiority stems from this point of actual fear as inferiority toward something/ someone.

 

When and as I see myself thinking/ backchatting ‘I am a real difficult person to deal with’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a statement of self manipulation wherein I am in fact victimizing myself as ‘an ogre/ a control freak’ upon others to justify my actual desire to continue controlling. Thus Instead I take a deep breath so stop participating in my own self-manipulative backchat to not change my application within self-righteousness and instead, allow myself to place myself in the shoes of another when and while interacting to ensure that I am walking-with me here as another, understanding the words being said, clearing any reaction as backchat that may emerge and as such, focus on the direct physical interaction of sharing/ expressing in and as words/ physical movements to ensure that we are on the same physical-page of communication.

 

I see and realize that the relationship toward the word ‘Control’ in itself has been a point of fear masked by/ through the application of control as apparent ‘power’ upon something/ someone, an imposition of sorts to create a sense of stability and immobility that benefits the illusion of ‘normalcy’ within our minds, which is how we have created our laws, rules/ regulation in society wherein we believe that we are  ‘in control’ and living in ‘order,’ just because of these laws, rules and regulations wherein we lure each other to ‘behave’ and ‘align’ to the system as a form of loyalty to it, which is adding a positive experience to this illusion of control that we often call ‘state of law and order’ which is controlling/ imposing an apparent power over the population by instilling fear and punishment for whomsoever attempts to ‘break the law,’ without realizing how such laws were in fact stemming from fear of the unpredictability of our nature

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a control freak the moment I want a particular environment to remain ‘as is’ and be untouched/ undisturbed as this is what I have defined ‘security’ to be about: me being able to decide when to move something and how things must remain and look like as a form of external stability that I condition my own expression to.

 

I realize that this apparent stability is only a visual fix that I have become used to in order to create a sense of normalcy, constancy and consistency wherein the moment that something changes/ goes out of my control, I would react, which is implying that who I am as the mind has created a form of ‘environmental stability’ upon the apparent ‘unchangeable’ aspect of something/ someone, as that would represent such something/ someone would remain as a point of support for my apparent idea/ belief and perception of control upon others/ my environment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another’s words personal wherein I immediately would want to control their expression toward me, which implies that I am still reacting to words directly/ indirectly – thus

When and as I see myself reacting to another’s words indirectly or directly – I stop and I breathe – instead of trying to shove the reaction away by upgrading the sense of security and stability as the character of ‘control’ – I investigate why and how it is that I am reacting to such words in separation of myself, and walk the pertinent self forgiveness in order to ensure that who and what I am is in fact equal and one here, hearing/ reading words and in fact supporting me to identify any slightest reaction as a sly-test to see where I am and who I am within the expression of words.

 

I realize that Control as such is just an egotistical treat of the mind to stand as an apparent ‘dominant force’ that can only exist through instilling fear IF such control is not lived as an equal and one self-direction.

Thus I commit myself to live the word control as the equal and one self-direction that I see and realize I am able to live by/ as, standing as an example of how we are practically and physically able to give ourselves direction within the consideration of each other as equals, wherein no more relationship power games of inFEARiority and superiority are existent.

 

I commit myself to physically live the word control in a best for all way wherein we can all finally stop fearing the word control as the apparent imposition of power, as I see and realize that if such power exists as a form of imposed superiority upon something/ someone, it stems from fear and creates fear as a way to create a relationship of inequality and as such of disparity that we then believe is ‘real,’ which is not so in any way at all.

Within this, I assist and support myself and others to live the word control as an equal and one self direction wherein we ensure that we get to know in fact how to be HERE as the physical body, living a practical self-forgiveness alignment to the words we speak in relation to how we live them and that way, stopping fearing each other’s expression, stopping taking words personal and instead investigate them and integrate them to our personal-process self-support to ensure that who we are is in fact equal and one in all ways, which is the process we are walking at Desteni, to reveal to ourselves our own limitations stemming from fear within our own minds, which we are in the process of equalizing ourselves to through walking the Desteni I Process and the material available at Eqafe, which is the type of Psychology that no one has ever in the history of human civilization been able to explain to the T as the information through/ by the Desteni Portal is walking on a daily basis for over 6 years now.

 

An amazing step-by-step explanation of the Quantum Mind has been recently launched at Eqafe, and I suggest you do invest in these series to learn how to slow down ourselves as our mind to begin identifying the actual reason/ starting point of our every word, every deed, every movement that we have simply taken for granted within this accepted and allowed ‘experience’ that we have believed ourselves to be as the mind.

Time to take Self Responsibility for the damage we’ve done to ourselves within and as the possession of ourselves as a mind that thinks.

Consciousness is Not Physical

‘Consciousness is Not Physical’ – 2007

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107. ‘If I don’t get enough attention, I stop sharing myself’

Attention Seeker’s Demise and Parental patterns of aloofness

A point of communication with parents is when we try and get their attention in one way or another, when we try and share ourselves and what we find is ‘meaningful’ as a way to spend some time with them. Expectations are built, the moment arrives and all one can be thinking about is ‘please let them like it, let them just for a moment stay calm and quiet, no phones ringing, no distracting chatters, just focusing for some minutes on this.’ However, once a pattern exists within the parent of, for example, being always ‘on a rush,’ there will be little to no patience to watch/ walk something that takes more than the 30 second attention span, eventually going away or finding any excuse to not remain in the moment. Children take it personally and from there a decision is made in anger and retaliation: ‘I swear I won’t ever share anything I do with him/ her/ them again.’ And so we grow up, keeping our stuff to ourselves in such victimized state from that one single moment where attention was not given as the child requested it.

This is a true-story and a repetitive pattern that I disclose here: a broken moment of communication where even words were not required to be expressed, but was just a moment of co-existence in the same room, watching a piece of film that had been recorded in means of slowing-down to reality. Yet existing in that point of expectation to ‘get their attention’ – in this case – my father’s and for him to not be impatient enough to watch this entire video; I essentially set the tone for what would end up being just another predictable ‘walk-out’ of the scene, which I took personally and once again confirming in my mind ‘I won’t share my ‘creative stuff’ with my parents again’ which became a safe way for me to not see how I also was wanting and desiring their attention the way that ‘I wanted it.’

It takes two to tango – however, a message to all parents is that if children are not supported in order to understand how not to take their actions/ reactions personally, consequences that can ensue from such walk-outs are a definitive crack in any form of incipient communication that could have been developing between the child and the father/ mother.

 

“I commit myself to SHOW that PARENTS in fact understand Nothing of PATTERNS and are the Root cause for All Suffering and Inequality on Earth.

I commit myself to SHOW that PARENTS are the PATTERNS that INFACT Create the CHARACTER of this WORLD.” – Bernard Poolman*

 


Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for wanting to get someone’s attention to ‘see my stuff’ and in that moment already going into the fear of ‘they are not going to like it/ they will simply stand up and leave/ they will say they like it out of compromise’ and essentially self-sabotaging that single moment of inviting others to see something I’ve done with future projections of failing at getting their attention, which is how and why I have become resilient to share myself, in fear of not being ‘welcomed’ the way that I expected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share myself with the condition of ‘it must be praised/ liked/ revered’ by others, otherwise I won’t share it at all, wherein my sharing is not unconditional, but already expecting a positive experience and outcome out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the entire starting point of me ‘creating something’ is and had been mostly in order to show it and be able to be praised about it, or causing an experience within another, instead of allowing myself to just share it unconditionally, with no expectations toward it and a such not taking it personal or judging the fact that people can walk out, not say any feedback at all or simply dislike it and that is still okay, as a I cannot control the outcome and reactions that will be experienced in such moments.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation toward getting my father’s attention to watch a video that I made and believing that ‘he will love it’ and expecting the best case scenario from the get go mixed with fear of him just not getting to see the whole thing, standing up and leaving, which is what eventually happened – allowing me to then go into the victimized state of ‘he doesn’t want to see what I created’ and making a mental note of ‘not ever sharing anything with him again, he’s not interested,’ and within that severing a point of communication in terms of sharing what ‘I do’ with my parents, creating a rift toward my father and my own doings, deeming my stuff to be simply ‘not relevant’ for him which in a child’s mind translates into: I am not worthy of their attention/ I am not good enough/ entertaining enough for him to remain watching/ I should have done something different to capture his attention’ – which are all backchat statements based on thinking and believing that the problem was ‘me,’ when in fact the reason why he stood up and left is not based on ‘what I showed him,’ but his own personal decision to simply stand up and leave and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when someone stands up and leaves the room wherein I was showing them something and believing that I simply wasn’t good enough to capture their attention, without realizing it’s not about me or what I do, but a single decision the person made in that moment to leave.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel excited the moment that I was able to capture his attention wherein from this positive starting point, I try to keep the ‘excitement’ and positive attitude on top while actually feeling anxious and fearing that he simply won’t be able to stand/ go through the entire thing, and even thinking ‘if he doesn’t enjoy it, he’ll just stand up and leave,’ which became a reality at the end.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become fully stiff and anxious and nervous while he’s watching because of fearing that he’ll just stand up and leave, which had been a trademark of his, that I actually feared having to experience myself with my own work and sharing something with him.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in such point of fear of ‘him leaving the room,’ and eventually manifesting it, confirming my own ‘future projections,’ without realizing how I simply had sentenced myself to my own words and supporting the co-creation of a moment wherein all I became was this ‘hope’ of him not leaving the room, eventually confirming that my hope was not a solution and that he ended up leaving the room anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get irritated at him for him standing up of the couch and beginning to arrange things, picking up the garbage and dusting off the cushions while the video is playing, only confirming what I was expecting him to do: standing up from the couch, finding something to do around while he plans to escape the scene/ room in a silent manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear ‘he’s not into it,’ and as such while being nervous and anxious about him eventually leaving, not being here breathing but only becoming this one point of hope and observance that is almost ensuring how things will unfold without having even gone through the actual events – yet eventually experimenting it as we are the ones that are creating our reality according to the words we accept and allow ourselves to exist as.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative experience the moment that he left the room, feeling defeated and essentially declaring that I would give-up on any further attempt to get his attention on my work, which became a sentence that I realized I was in fact just saying out of spitefulness because I eventually realized I could have not taken the point personally.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in that moment when seeing him leaving the room without saying anything, think ‘I won’t show him anything again,’ referring to my creative work and how I simply deemed in that moment that Nothing I would do would be of his interest, which was a rather all encompassing statement that in no way supports an actual realization of, first of all, not taking things personally and secondly assisting and supporting myself to see how I victimized myself there in that moment, holding on to the grudge of that memory, instead of working it with and explaining how I reacted, why I reacted and as such establish a proper communication that is not based only on short-sentences that generate an experience of ‘I am here’ and as such create bonds that in no way are of actual communication, but instead becomes another protocol type of communication that never really supports children to fully open up, because the father/ mother is not really ready to give its full to do so for their children.

 


Self Corrective statements:

When and as I see myself wanting to get someone’s attention to ‘see my stuff’ and in that moment already going into the fear of ‘they are not going to like it/ they will simply stand up and leave/ they will say they like it out of compromise’ and essentially self-sabotaging that single moment of inviting others to see something I’ve done with future projections of failing at getting their attention, which is how and why I have become resilient to share myself, in fear of not being ‘welcomed’ the way that I expected – I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am being conditional with me sharing myself wherein I am only seeking self-satisfaction as instant-gratification instead of sharing unconditionally without expecting anything in advance.

 

I realize that the only reason why I would want to get someone’s attention is because I haven’t allowed myself to give such attention to myself first, wherein then a negative experience and the choice of not sharing myself ever again comes as a spiteful mode for not having acquired the attention that I initially craved. Who I am as breath here is able to share without any drive of self-interest nor an expectation waiting to be fulfilled – who I am is constant here as the interaction that is able to be directed here as breath without any mind-interference of self interest.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when I do get people’s attention toward what I am doing, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me just satisfying the attention seeker character that would have reacted in the opposite manner if such attention had not been given the way I expected – thus I see and realize how my beingness in the moment is/ was defined according to others, instead of me remaining constant and consistent without shifting into further mind-dimensions of self-interest.

 

When and as I see myself defining my starting point of creation according to creating a positive experience within me and within others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am compromising myself within this very mechanism of positive experience upon expression wherein expression is no longer unconditional, but suiting a particular character that seeks energy as attention to keep existing.

 

When and as I see myself defining an entire point of interaction with another based on a ‘bad experience’ as defined by the ego of the mind in relation to not getting enough attention/ sufficient energy to continue a positive experience, I stop and I breathe – I realize that what I am defining as a point of separation or severing a relationship is in fact a spiteful action taken on by myself as the mind that will now go into the opposite polarity as the negative experience for not having gotten enough attention/ energy to keep a particular character – such as the attention seeker – running. Thus I allow myself to simply continue sharing myself unconditionally without wanting to ‘get’ an experience from another, but simply aligning myself to an equal and one physical stance wherein whether someone is interested in watching or not is not relevant any longer, as who I am is and can’t be defined according to other’s opinions, judgments and experiences created upon my own expression.

 

I assist and support myself to remain here as the physical breath whenever I share myself in any form with others, wherein I stop any expectations of either a positive or negative feedback as that clearly creates a point of expectation that is not required as all that I express myself as in the moment is what I am existing as in the moment – and that cannot be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ but it’s a simple mirror and tool of self-reflection to get to know myself and as such support myself to See Me. If from this sharing others can support themselves as well in any aspect/ way = cool, yet it doesn’t define the point of expression in itself any longer.

 

When and as I see myself into the giving up mode of ‘I will never show anything to him/her/ them again’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am reacting according to not having fulfilled a character in my mind. Thus, I stop the self-victimization of deciding to ‘not share myself again’ and allow myself to share unconditionally that which I see assists and supports me – therefore I am the one that is responsible for the point of expression in order to reflect back on it and in self-honesty be able to decide whether this is in fact supporting me or not. I direct myself to self-forgive the moment or reaction if it emerges in the moment that another is not ‘paying attention’ to what I say/ do as I realize that this has been a reason for me to keep quiet/ become isolated, just because of thinking, believing and perceiving that just because someone did not want to hear me = no one ever will.

 

When and as I see myself feeling anxious and nervous upon wondering what others have to say in relation to something I created, I stop and I breathe – I realize that such anxiety is stemming from expecting either the worse or the best and as such keeping me in a friction and unnecessary expectation, without realizing that who I am here as every moment of breath does not require to be expecting the next moment with any experience, as it comes breath by breath – thus any further value given to words in separation of myself here as the physical body must be re-assessed to see how I have defined such words as positive assessment or negative assessment.

 

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience for someone remaining silent when I am sharing something, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have associated silence with a negative input instead of realizing that being expecting something out of another is already placing a condition in me sharing myself – thus I simply allow myself to share in the moment, without any expectation – yet also ensuring that the message is clear and asking questions if pertinent about it, instead of just complying to the silence and creating backchat about it instead of directing it in the moment, facing what Is see and cross referencing it with the person/ people involved in such moment.

 

I realize that most of the problems and even wars in our world and reality have been built around misunderstandings that, because they were not clearly and directly spoken, they grew into major conflicts that were able to apparently only be solved through wars and further conflicts, without realizing that such misunderstanding could have in fact been talked through and arranged in a way wherein we are in fact able to come to an agreement of what’s best for all. This is thus speaking in general terms of communication and how silence or physical attitudes had become these ‘indicators’ of something not being ‘alright’ – however, we are the only ones that have decided what is alright and what is not alright according to worth and value of the mind, which is how we have made of our reality a polarized concoction of opinions fighting to get on top of each other, instead of considering the physical reality in common sense at all times, which actually simplifies the points to a self-evident correction that can only be neglected and/or deliberately denied if we are only willing to continue supporting the ‘who we are’ as mind systems of opinions, judgments, beliefs and experiences that in no way have supported life in Equality.

 

As a general suggestion it is to assess ourselves whenever we are sharing or being the ones on the receiver’s ‘end’ and check our reactions, if we go into a fidgety mode, or restlessness or plain mind judgment, to get ourselves back here in the physical wherein we can ‘come back to our senses’ and realize that we are in fact sharing a moment with another being that is sharing themselves unconditionally, and that us shoving away that opportunity to do so will create consequences not only within them but as a general statement of separation that we create in that moment stemming only from our own mind-limitation that in no way regards life in equality, but can only create such separation if there is a ego-perspective to defend, a mind’s desire to fulfill.

 

I assist and support me to walk my process and identify such moments in my day to day living, to ensure that I do not repeat this separation within me, nor do I become the one that denies or shoves away another’s expression in means of fulfilling the desires of the mind in the moment.

 

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79. “I Feel So Cheated!”

 

Patterns:

  1. Remaining quiet/ building backchat about a situation that I accept and allow over a period of time wherein anger/ frustration and irritation emerges in an outburst with further consequences instead of taking Responsibility for them.
  2. Feeling victimized when something does not work out/ going into an emotional experience and thinking/planning how to escape from such ‘evil world.’
 

This is a continuation to ‘Be careful what you wish for” which is the aftermath of realizing what I accepted and allowed myself to participate in because of allowing things to ‘just be’ without placing myself as a direct active and involved participant to ensure I knew what I was cooperating in.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and remaining quiet about a situation that I am witnessing is not being directed in common sense out of fear of stirring conflict, without realizing that such conflict eventually creates anger, frustration and irritation that builds up to the point of bursting it out in one single moment with extreme anger, frustration and irritation toward others, instead of having taken responsibility from the beginning for and as myself to see where and how I am participating in my world/ reality, and ensuring that all points are walked in common sense and mutual agreement, so that each one is self-responsible about the consequences from each other’s participation and actions in any given event/ circumstance.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself every time that I think/ believe or perceive that ‘I have been cheated’ and that ‘I was used’ and ‘not properly informed,’ which is just a mechanism in my mind to justify the anger toward another instead of taking self responsibility to actually inform myself and walk the process of decision-making with proper communication and without assumptions, which is how whenever I see myself assuming things/ believing that ‘what’s best for all’ is being done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that whenever I assume and remain quiet, I am only allowing myself to not be directive at all times to ensure I stand equal and one to whatever and with whomever I am participating with and within in my world. This is the only way that I can stop compromising and victimizing myself toward others, and ensure that whatever I do, say and participate in, I am equally informed and participating to express perspectives of what is best for all and what must be considered before allowing the point to unfold to eventual consequences that are not best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate on the pattern of believing that ‘I am always the one to be blamed for when shit hits the fan,’ which is an ingrained mechanism of self-victimization from when I was a child and, whenever something ‘bad’ would go in my house, I was immediately waiting to be blamed for it, building a lot of resentment toward my family for always believing that I was the only one that would do the ‘bad things’ and break things around, which is how I grew up with this sense of ‘being rejected’ and belittling myself, believing that it was always ‘my fault,’ which I used to build my self-victimization personality as to not have to take responsibility for myself and my actions because: I would fuck it all up in one way or another as it always happens.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain quiet throughout the entire unfolding of events, judging the expenses of the event as something ‘ludicrous’ without actually pondering how the point of support toward such charity could have been done in another way, but instead allowed me to believe that common sense was being considered and that I had to simply comply to what I had been invited to participate in, wherein I did not take proper time to investigate what I was going to be doing, but instead ‘trusted’ that the entire point was ‘good’ and ‘benevolent’ because of it being a charity-based auction, not really being aware of how it would precisely work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to just believe that ‘my best interest is being guarded’ by others whenever I sign contracts and participate in events, without reading the ‘fine letter’ which is where and how I have to practically direct myself to ensure I read all contracts, that I inform myself about the details that I usually ‘shut off’ about in terms of money and money-making, to ensure that I in fact participate in something that is in the best interest of all – and if/ when realizing that such contract is not considering common sense, I must speak up and express the points to create an agreement wherein no consequential outflows of loss/ dishonesty emerge from the desire to profit in a situation that is supposed to be for charity only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the character of ‘I still the mind, I shove away my reactions’ based on the knowledge and information on Buddhism, believing that such event was ‘a test’ for my patience and a way to ‘vanish my ego’ by not caring about money, which is proof of how I mindfucked myself into not looking into the practical aspects of this entire event in relation to communicating openly about money, about the mechanism of how the profit would be obtained to ensure I would be aware of how I was in fact contributing to such event – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always fear talking about money when being in a situation of ‘working’ / selling just because of believing that talking about money makes me a ‘self-interested person,’ without realizing that this is just a matter of practical considerations in this world and that I have to stop judging money as something ‘of self-interest’ in my desire to portray myself as a ‘humble/ altruistic person’ that was only ‘in it’ for the art and the fun, when it was not so in fact because we all require money to live and everything that I did cost money – thus I ensure that I stop my self-judgment toward the use of money and money itself whenever I sign contracts/ get involved into any working situation, to ensure that I am well informed in relation to what I am practically being involved with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when she (the person that invited me to the exhibit/ auction) was explaining about the loss of money from the event two days later in her car, I allowed myself to take that as a complain and that she was ‘blaming it on me,’ which is a mechanism of my mind to go into ego to create further victimization and conflict inside myself, instead of actually communicating about the practical aspects that were not considered from the beginning. This implies that when and as I see myself going into ego believing that people are complaining to ‘make me feel bad/ making it all my fault’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a mechanism that I use in order to become the ego that is ‘hurt’ so as to not have to look into my responsibility within the participation of such event and my actual lack of self-direction and proper investigation to see what I was actually going to be supporting and participating in.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for the decisions made, compounding anger and frustration for what I have participated in thinking that ‘I must blame them for getting myself into this,’ without realizing that it was me that did not bother to ask and be informed about the practicality of such charity event in terms of Money, just because of the judgment that I had held toward Money itself as something that would make me look like a ‘self-interested person’ and not the ‘benevolent artist’ that I wanted to be seen as, wherein I constantly said that I was ‘in it’ because of the art and charity, not for the money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in this ‘benevolent/ altruistic persona’ wherein I avoid having to be dealing with money and conforming to whatever rules and dispositions I take part on, as long as I am supported and everything ‘works fine’ on the outside, without really getting to inform myself about how money runs in a business/ contract/ work point that I involve myself with –

 

Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever agree on doing a job on photography and because it was for a religious association, I ended up not charging any money for them, even though it was agreed that I would be paid for it. Which is how within this ‘altruistic character’ I deemed that asking for money/ for my pay was self-interested, and that I had to let it go for that once, not realizing that within this I am compromising myself to not be effective in the money-system because of all the backchat held toward ‘earning money’ out of what I deem as ‘a pleasure’ such a taking photographs.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that person as financially stupid because of not equating the final profit-for-charity made out of the auction and the expenses for the event itself, wherein I allowed myself to compound even more anger about the entire situation which was only building up further as the consequences of the entire backchat that I simply thought I had to ‘breathe through and not deal with it’ due-to/ because of that ‘still the mind’ personality/ character that I had decided to deliberately play out within that entire trip/ event in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fester anger and absolute irritation as the consequence of me not dealing with the backchat in the moment, and instead allowing it to compound to a point wherein I eventually explode as the consequence of not having spoken up in clarity to ensure that we are all equally informed about what is being done and what I am participating in.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge the entire charity point based on the consequences that we were facing in terms of money, instead of having had enough common sense approach to know what I was going to be participating in, and propose an actual solution to the event before hand, but instead, I allowed myself to be overridden with enthusiasm and excitement about ‘being invited overseas to exhibit my work’ without reading the fine-print on how the money point would work and function. This implies that I was the one that did not take responsibility for myself and my participation, which leads to in this anger/ ego possession, only project blame and further judgments within the self-victimization character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself every time that I see that I depend on another financially wherein in this case, I knew that I could not end up in a ‘bad manner’ with her because my hotel bill had to be paid – thus realizing how we compromise ourselves because of money wherein common sense and equal-agreements are not placed and discussed wherein there is a point of interest behind it all, which in this case was money all the time – yet, I blinded myself by thinking or believing that ‘true altruism’ is existent and that I was in fact being invited by ‘good people,’ which is not a point of further judgment projection, but a realization of how everything works in this world through/ as/ by and for money itself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the self-victimized state of ‘I feel cheated’ because of seeing that I could not earn money other than just giving that money to pay for my hotel bill and that was it, wherein I compensated the entire thing with thoughts like ‘I earned good reputation from it,’ wherein I then gave more worth to the recognition/ fame experience rather than actually considering the expenses that I had to cover from the expectation of being able to earn a percentage of the works.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always talk myself into the ‘positive attitude/ positive side’ of things, wherein after I see that I have lost/ that the expectations were not met, I go into thinking that ‘the experience is worth it’ and that it was a ‘cool experience’ overall, which is how we have justified the ‘learning lessons’ point in life wherein we are actually participating in mechanisms of self-abuse without really taking on the points to correct within ourselves, but instead sugar coat it with ‘positive experience’ to not have to take responsibility for what we accept and allow from each other as the mechanisms of this world system based on money/ profit and greed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there were ‘true good intentions’ behind it all, such as supporting ‘emerging artists’ and gathering work from around the world, which is how I allowed myself to ‘calm myself down’ in the moment, ‘stilling the mind’ by accepting such positive view as real and more important than the actual money—issue that was discussed before, wherein I believed that because I was getting extremely angry toward her in my facial expression, she started ‘soothing’ the entire point by the good positive thinking attitude to it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I must contain myself’ whenever I am boiling up in anger, which is further self-manipulation wherein I am not allowing myself to simply breathe and without reaction speak in common sense to be on equal terms, but instead remain quiet only building up an inner battle of anger vs. stilling the mind and becoming utterly displeased and frustrated about the whole situation there.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my expression once that I have already compounded energetic reactions wherein I know beforehand that whatever I speak will be like venom trying to sound ‘correct’ while holding the anger as energy accumulated equal in intensity to the amount of time that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat while remaining quiet/ not directing myself to communicate effectively with people with whom I am directly participating in a certain situation/ event/ process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue existing as anger once that I am finally speaking out, wherein the anger then becomes seemingly ‘uncontrollable’ based on the self-righteousness that I access in that moment stemming from my perceived victimization, wherein I realize that because I have taken the ‘lesser/ victimized’ position, I believe that ‘I have the right to be angry’ at others, instead of realizing my point of self-responsibility within this situation wherein I was the one that accepted and allowed such anger to accumulate based on my laxity of self-direction due-to/ because of thinking that ‘everything was under control’ and that I did not have to worry about it, that I could just ‘let it be’ and breathe through my questions and uncertainties about the entire event, which are obvious indications that every moment that I ‘shut myself off’ without understanding why I was asking such questions lead me to a point of inevitable anger and frustration of which I didn’t see myself as absolutely responsible for.

 

I realize that I had held this event as a ‘bad experience’ in my life based on the relationship that ‘broke up’ in that moment, wherein I remain blaming the other person instead of having realized my absolute participation in every single moment that I allowed backchat to continue in judging and criticizing without taking Self Responsibility for it. Thus I see that every moment that I ‘breathed through my reactions,’ I was in fact only suppressing them to not have to face my own point of self-responsibility and instead, position myself as the ‘victim’ within the entire event.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticize everything and all justifications/ validations and excuses that were presented as the reason why such event took place because of not being in the moment hearing unconditionally, but I was already positioned within anger, frustration and victimization which is how no communication can be effective as I realize that once I am possessed with anger, I blind my ears as all I can see is ‘anger’ as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be ‘right’ about my assessment on the entire event, keeping this self-righteousness as my assessment as ‘real’ because that way I could ensure that I would remain as the victim within it all, to not see where I missed my absolute self-responsibility within my participation of every single moment of and through the entire event.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to access the pattern of me wanting to ‘leave the scene’ every time that I get into a point of conflict with another, wherein once that I am possessed with anger and frustration, I feel like crying and yelling and storming out of the place – which is all based on the amount of thoughts that I allowed myself to participate in with no sense of self-responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buildup my anger even more every time once that I am participating in a conflict with another, they present the ‘bright side’ of the entire situation as to ‘ease the experience’ within myself, which is when I make use of them being aware that I am utterly pissed off to further enhance my self-righteous anger and simply not speak as to ‘let them know that I am utterly mad and angry’ – which is a pattern that I learned since I was a little girl and my parents and I would go into a fight, I’d play out the tantrum of being extremely pissed off and no matter what they did to ‘make me happy again’ – such as buying me some candy/ thing that I like eating – I would toss it back at them and enhance my tantrum with further crying and yelling as to let them know that ‘I was not able to be bought like that.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a self-righteousness within me to get angry/ be mad at people wherein once that I am possessed in this anger, I perceive it is too difficult to ‘let go’ of it, without realizing that it will take definitive and clear self direction to establish myself here as breath again, because anger is an indication of the accumulation of backchat over time that I allowed to ‘go by’ with no self-responsible direction to stop and instead, take responsibility for the points that instigated/ initiated the anger in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become even more irritated when the other person ended up the entire conversation with a ‘we all learned and had a good time which is what matters,’ without realizing that I have played the exact same point to make things ‘okay’ within myself at the end so that I do not have to face the consequences of not having directed me in every moment in the consideration of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create further disillusionment toward an entire career (!) based on one single event that lead me to believe that I was simply not able to ‘cope with the artworld’ which is a tendency that I had in relation to giving-up a point the very first moment that I see ‘it’s not working’ wherein all that I seek for is my way out of it as soon as possible, instead of facing the consequences, walking through the necessary solutions to ensure that I no longer remain as a victim in my own mind, but learn how to direct myself as life here in equality as what’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate an immediate spiteful experience while thinking ‘art is just another fucking business’ as to justify my entire disillusionment and experience, wherein I allowed myself to be possessed by judgment and believing that ‘I had been cheated,’ while in fact it was all built due to and because of my laxity to be self-directive in everything I participate on, being aware of each step that I will be involved in, developing proper communication wherein there is equal understanding within the agreements that must exist when two or more people unite to give direction to a particular point/ event – and within this, also ensuring that I no longer judge money as ‘dirty business’ as I realize that this is the main judgment that lead me to create the laxity as in ‘not wanting to sound self-interested in money but only doing it because of the art,’ and also because of not wanting to exist as a ‘business person’ because of how I judged business people as ‘greedy people,’ and it all being just in my head based on the ‘puritan’ idea of myself as being not interested in money and being ‘alright’ just with the experience of going there and ‘doing my thing.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the immediate pattern of isolating myself/ not wanting to see anyone when feeling this angry, using weed to soothe the moment and deciding that I didn’t want to be an artist any longer, which is an absolute tantrum that I threw as a constant pattern I have lived throughout my life wherein the moment things don’t go ‘my way,’ I simply step out completely of the game, lose all interest and mutate my interests into something else, just to remain within that eternal desire to fulfill myself in one way or another, which is what kept me ‘going’ in my life: creating ideals, dreams and desires that I could ‘live up to’ and in that, never really living HERE as life, but remaining only as a constant character seeking to fulfill itself in the right play.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of my ‘torment’ and entire anger/ frustration a ‘work of art’ wherein I dedicated myself to take pictures and create a little video that I entitled muerte/‘death’ as the death of my pursuit of happiness through an artistic career within this particular frame of ‘fame’ as glamorous art exhibits. I used this video as yet another shift in my character that I gave value and meaning as to my new approach toward art from a more ‘spiritual’ perspective – which is yet another character that I will be walking as the ‘seeking for a more meaningful art’ type of artist personality, which lasted for a couple of months before I got to Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reinforce a pattern of justifying me becoming emotional and turning it into ‘art’ which is how I fueled the pattern of ‘ You’ll need to suffer to make any real art’ /Read the entry on this point here and within this, create another layer of mindfuck to make it all ‘worthy’ for myself again when making of this event another ‘source of inspiration’ which later on became a relationship of spitefulness toward art that I had to walk through the remainder of my career. Such a love story.

 

All of these events took place in a very rapid manner wherein I went from one spot to the other like a bumblebee trying to suck the very last drop of honey to see which one would ‘work the best,’ never realizing that such eternal search for ‘something’ in separation of myself was only me existing in separation of myself here, wherein I sought to be ‘more’ that ‘moreness’ of myself in separation of myself here as breath, as life, as the physical wherein I do not require to create events and experiences to LIVE but life is here as myself in every breath.

 

Disparate

Disparate 2005

 

 

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself ‘keeping quiet’ in any given situation wherein I do have questions and perspectives to share that are in essence questioning/ contradicting the nature of an event/ situation with one or more people, I stop and I breathe – I realize the pattern as the usual fear of creating conflict/ facing responsibility for myself – therefore I direct myself to ensure that I am here breathing and speak to share what I see in common sense should be considered within the event/ situation to ensure that I stand as the self-directive principle of what I accept and what I do not accept myself to participate in and exist within my world.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the victimization pattern of thinking that ‘I have been cheated’ and that ‘I am being used,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the way for me to not face the responsibility that I hold toward a particular moment and event, and that I must stop the victimized thoughts to take self responsibility for what I have created. I realize that I can in fact simply stop getting into the cycle by developing proper communication and understanding with all people that I have a direct relationship/ agreement with in terms of the participation within an event/ activity wherein I ensure I am in fact directing me and not a character of laxity and carelessness direct myself as an ‘everything will be fine’ type of personality. I stand equal to and one with the event and the physical practical considerations with no judgment toward the pertinent questions that must be asked and considered.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am the one ‘guilty’ for causing a problem or an emotional experience in another, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the pattern and mechanism that I use in order to not have to take responsibility for my own participation in such event/ situation, but instead place myself as ‘the sack of blame,’ taking it all on me to confirm that I have ‘done something wrong’ and within this, victimize myself instead of taking self responsibility for my actions and words in every single moment. Instead I direct myself to not participate in any form of emotional blackmail in a conversation/ communication and walking agreement with another/ other beings, as I direct myself in common sense at all times considering the consequence and outflow of my participation and words, which is how I can ensure that I do not engage in any ‘personal conflicts’ of the mind.

 

When and as I see myself judging the outflows and consequences of an event/ situation not turning out in a best for all way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only judging that which I allowed to unfold with no directive principle, which is the only way that things can ‘go wrong’ = when all participants and the purpose of something is not directed toward a best for all outcome. Thus I realize that I must not trust that points are being conducted in the ‘best possible way,’ but instead I ensure that I get practically involved in informing myself within and about all decisions and everything related to that point that I will be practically participating in, to ensure that whatever I do and with whomever I co-operate, I stand as an equal-participant in equal understanding of what is being practically conducted in every step taken, and all decisions made as to ensure that there are no ‘gaps’ of misunderstanding or any other opportunity to deceive one another.

 

When and as I see myself trying to only ‘still the mind’ as in suppressing the actual thoughts and experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is another way of not taking responsibility for the thoughts that I am creating in my mind, and that it is another mechanism to evade having to take responsibility for the words that I am speaking/ and thoughts that I am participating in. Thus instead of ‘shutting them off,’ I breathe and I direct myself to see who I am within such thoughts, what is the starting point of it, how can I practically assist myself with such thoughts, self-forgiving and correcting those that serve no other purpose but fueling the ego and, that way ensure that I am able to express in clarity as breath, to expose the pertinent and practical considerations within any given particular event/ situation.

 

When and as I see myself judging me for asking about money when we are speaking about a job situation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only judge this point for judging money as self-interest and greed in itself, instead of considering that it is an actual practical consideration that must be equally understood in any given contract and job situation, any transaction wherein money is involved and to see it for what it is, instead of tainting it with self-judgment as in ‘loathing’ the entire monetary system just by having to receive money to live.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for having something not working properly, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is another way of diverting my own point of self responsibility toward my direct participation in events, situations and agreements – thus I take responsibility for my reactions as the result of my own lack of self direction, as I realize that I am able and capable of directing myself within the consideration of the outflows and consequences of that which I participate and that which I do not direct as myself. Within this, I see that placing myself as the directive principle in everything I participate in is the way to ensure all I participate in stands in clear-terms between all participants with an intended outcome wherein all parts are considered and the aim is what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself trying to portray myself as a non-interested-in-money person, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am creating this character as an ‘altruist’ and that It leads to participate in unclear businesses and monetary situations. Thus, I ensure that I direct myself to inform myself about the monetary agreements in any point I participate in without any form of judgment for asking about the how, who, when and why of the monetary situation within any given point of job/ event wherein money is involved.

 

When and as I see myself compromising my expression based on depending of another financially, I stop and I breathe. I realize that being financially dependent does not mean that I must keep quiet and comply to all the rules and regulations within no question at all. I see that I am able to be informed as a right to know what I am participating in, and this is a simple part of ensuring that whatever I do and direct myself in is not manipulated by money having ‘power over me,’ but I see money-matters as a practical and reality-based discussion due to how money is the point that allows us to live at the moment in this current system.

 

When and as I see myself trying to find the ‘bright side’ to an event and situation that went wrong/ didn’t work out as intended, I stop and I breathe – I realize the pattern of covering up the fuckups for what it is and instead direct myself to see the point that I missed throughout the entire sequence of events to take responsibility for the point missed to ensure I correct and take it into consideration from here on. And even more so, I realize that I am able to stop this entire ‘making up for’ excuses by simply directing myself effectively within the engagement of myself within a certain activity/ relationship/ point I participate in, wherein I can ensure that I am considering the outflows and consequences of my decisions in terms of what’s best for all – and that if things ‘do not work out as intended,’ I will be able to take responsibility for the point as I recognize it as my creation in full awareness.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of ‘leaving the scene’ once that I get into a conflict, I stop and I breathe. I realize that leaving points ‘unsolved’ created further rifts and that it is absolutely my responsibility to face the point in the moment by slowing myself down to breath, and talking out without participating in any emotional reaction, but simply direct the point in common sense.

 

I realize that I learned this from my mother wherein every time she would face a conflict, she’d just leave the room and go to her room and so within that thinking that I had the right to do the same within such self-victimized state, instead of taking self responsibility to ensure that I indeed remained in a position wherein I can assess my thoughts, actions and participation to ensure I take responsibility for what I manifested and walk the necessary corrections.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of dissing/ diminishing that which is no longer satisfying me or has not fulfilled me in the expected manner, I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point of judgment is in separation of myself as the point of responsibility that must walk the self-correction necessary to ensure that I see myself as the creator and responsible of a point not working out the intended way and a such, ensure that I correct the pattern within me wherein I ‘missed’ the point – thus I learn from these mistakes to ensure I stand as the correction necessary within such event/ point.

 

When and as I see myself accessing a tantrum based on self-victimization, seeking to now glorify the experience as a ‘meaningful artwork’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that there will be no need to throw tantrums and go into self victimization once that I ensure I walk in equal-understanding and self-responsibility to all points that I participate in. This is then stopping the love/hate relationship toward anything and everyone in my world to ensure that I equalize myself as all relationships and associations I form based on what’s best for all and common sense – everything else is just deviation from the principle, which implies I take it back to self, walk it through self forgiveness to see which pattern I am playing out and walk the necessary living correction.

 

I commit myself to stop any desire to fulfill myself with seeking another experience/ event/ relationship once that another one didn’t ‘work out, as this is the usual pattern that follows once the positive energy experience is depleted from one situation/ event/ point wherein we see ourselves again ‘seeking for the moreness of ourselves’ in separation of ourselves. Thus I stop, I breathe and continue walking my day to day living ensuring that I remain as breath – and stop all desires to fulfill myself through experiences.


“Your past is just a story, and once you realize this, it has no power over you” Palahniuk Chuck

This drawing depicts that moment of the conversation in her car – however in real life I was not at the wheel. 2007

 

Blogs to Get out of Character:


Day 58: Eternal Spotless Mind

When we deem certain movies as ‘our favorite’ ones there are points that we evidently resonate with. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) once again after several years, and brought back all of these ideals and expectations that I had created by that time in relation to how I wanted my relationships to be in ‘the future’ when I watched the movie for the first time some 8 years ago.

The identification with the rather feverish girl – Clementine (Kate Winslet)-  that was a rather eccentric and over-zealous woman with lots of energy and pent up emotions was prominent. It brought me back to the times when I used to wear these bright colorful clothes and all types of funky jewelry along with eternal desires to get my hair blue or red,  which I tried to do some 10 years ago and from there I got used to the habit of dying it pitch blue-black, fucking up my entire hair for several years onwards, just for the sake of creating a certain image of myself. But, besides the girl’s character, the entire phrasing and attitude was something I could relate to. I was this energized girl that was pleading others to ‘leave my mind alone/ I’m just trying to find some peace of mind’ and this general dramatic self-presentation to always be able to have ‘something’ to be yearning for, thinking about and so forth as a means to believe that I was actually ‘living,’ while we are now realizing within this process that: we are not our emotions, we are not our feelings or any other general energetic-experience as the ego of the mind.

 

Then there’s the entire memory-drill within the movie about the relationship that Joel (Jim Carrey’s character) and Clementine had which is how I envisioned what my ‘picture perfect relationship’ would be like, having fun in odd and surprising ways that were non-conventional and having these two ‘odd’ personalities coming together as a couple. Hence all this movie represented within me was this eccentricity that I had built-up as ‘who I am,’ as well as the partner’s character which I also identify with in how I would feel like the over-enthusiastic one that had to cheer up and drag along others to ‘live’ within the same view and perspective I had of life back then, always trying to impose ‘me’ upon others because I deemed ‘my way of being’ much more ‘healthy’ than theirs, which was obviously not now that I review this point.

 

For the most part, it’s a cool movie  in terms of realizing how a relationship/ a person in our lives is only a set of memories that if we ‘decide to erase’ or lose, we can eventually forget about – however we all know that each relationship leaves like this mark or scar that remains there as a bunch of memories and even copied mannerisms, that we then have to walk as ourselves and our own process because it is aspects that we had separated from ourselves initially and sought to ‘fulfill’ or complete ourselves with in relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in a relationship I would have to gather the most eccentric memories and experiences in order to believe that we were ‘truly enjoying’ and ‘living’ and having ‘a blast’ within a relationship, often placing myself in certain conditions and situations wherein I allowed myself to be driven by the ‘feeling’ of it rather than considering the consequences and actuality of what I was putting myself through.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, till this day, remember only the good and positive things about such ‘fun times’ that I deliberately created within my relationships in order to mimic the way that I imagined my life would be in a a similar way to what this movie portrayed, along with the drama, the misunderstandings, the ups and downs and eventual reconciliations as the ‘happy ending’ that I also sought to get all the time, which  in no way matched the reality of relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of my life with others a drama that would always have to become just like a script of a novel as all the books that I would read back then, which shaped and molded the ‘who I want to be like’ toward others, eventually creating all sorts of events in my life wherein I ‘knew’ that I would be able to keep them as these ‘memories’ that I could hold on to for a lifetime and call that a ‘living’ and ‘enjoyment’ – which is how I designed myself as a memory-creator and keeper as a way to confirm that ‘I had lived’ through experiences and events in my life with another in a relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be this feverish girl that sought emotions and feelings in a deliberate manner to be ‘inspired’ and have something to whine about in art or writing, which became a way to fuel my over-dramatic personality that was mostly wrought throughout my teenage years while learning through books, movies of ‘my kind’ what relationships were all about, yearning about that ‘connection’ with ‘the one’ and eventually experiencing myself in a relationship just like the one that made me feel all these fuzzy feelings in my stomach while watching eternal sunshine… and in that, believing that all my relationships had to be something ‘like that’ wherein we could have fun and do ‘wild things’ and ‘be happy’ while overcoming the usual friction and conflict that I thought was ‘normal’ in relationships, which also became part of the usual things to ‘walk through’ in relationships such as arguing in the car and leaving the house and being all dramatic about any slight problem, only to ‘forgive’ each other and get back together again, like a happy ending after the storms.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adopt the belief that in a relationship one would Always have conflict and one would always be having these secret thoughts against the other and that it was part of ‘the game’ of having relationships, which is obviously dishonest and just existing for the sake of also getting a ‘kick’ out of the conflict as all the emotions and feelings that come when you are in a fight with another and get to enjoy that debate/ fight which became a masochistic way of keeping a relationship ‘standing,’ because the reconciliation would then be ‘even better.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to identify with the frustration that Clementine would experience toward Joel for having to deal with a rather quiet and introverted being that I would have mostly judged as ‘requiring some spice in their lives’ wherein I believed that ‘I could change the other for the better,’ without having even looked at myself and my surge of blasting energy to ‘live’ through experiences and trying to make the other see life the same way I did, which became a rather pointless effort to say the least, with both partners and male friends that were rather calm and ‘of few words’ wherein I would always think that I must ‘cheer them up’ and be the ‘sunshine’ of their lives, compromising myself because of this continual desire to ‘change them’ without even getting a look at how I had to first look at myself and what I was accepting and allowing to exist within me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this position of being the ‘optimistic’ and ‘feverish’ and ‘vibrant’ person in a relationship with males that were mostly ‘dull’ and ‘quiet’ and only after years eventually one of them becoming more ‘equal’ in such excitement – lol – which is when I started ‘disliking’ the other because I would no longer be the ‘special one’ that would ‘cheer him up’ but he was now becoming a rather positive thinker, blowing out of  proportion to the point where it got too cloying and pleasing ‘for my taste,’ which made me run away from it, without realizing how I had played out the exact same role in the beginning. In this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually having been addicted to conflict in relationships wherein if everything started being all ‘good’ and ‘pleasing,’ I would get bored because of how I had deemed conflict as a necessary aspect to create this sense of the relationship being ‘normal’ and ‘working’ which was merely an addiction to the energy that conflict would generate within me – hence when the person would no longer cause conflict within me, I’d lose interest and move on.

 

I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how I would seek people that had been ‘troubled’ people mostly in a way because then I would see myself as having a ‘duty’ to ‘change them’ and ‘spice up their lives,’ which is how I now realize that I was actually addicted to the energy that I would get from having to deal with conflictive people that were nothing else but mirroring myself back to the conflict I wanted to create and stir within myself in order to have something to be worrying, thinking and yearning about throughout my days, just like a movie, just like a book where a lot of conflict and eventual resolutions would take place as that happy ending that I would also run away from, because I simply wanted some ‘conflict’ in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to also take the position of being the quiet, reserved and few-worded personality when being with a rather optimistic and cheerful partner, which means that I would act the ‘opposite pole’ in any given situation in order to maintain the balancing-act within the constant friction required to continue the conflict going on in my head, wherein I was never truly ‘satisfied’ with another, but would pretend that I was in order to keep the relationship going.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever wish to have a ‘tormented relationship’ because that’s the type of stuff I would read and get the most entertainment from, which implies that these erratic characters that seemed to be in the brink of madness  were the ones that I could ‘identify’ myself-with, due to the amount of energy I was just ready to exert in one way or another, not really even ever being able to understand why I had so much energy to give-away and how this energy became the directive principle within my life, wherein I used popular culture as books and movies like this one in order to create/ mimic such events to live-out and believe that I was ‘living’ just like a character in a book or a movie, and feel ‘good’ about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually become used to this ‘tough love’ type of relationships wherein conflict and debating would be the way to ‘feel good’ about each other when we would eventually sort out the problems and reconciliation would ensue as a way to confirm that ‘we were willing to walk through hell and back and remain together,’ which is absolutely bullshit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin relationships from the starting point of being willing to accept all types of dramas and antagonisms as what I gave myself permission to be acceptable within a relationship, because this is what I learned from movies, books and stories of people always having conflicts within their relationships, only to get to an inevitable happy or sad ending, just  like in the movies/ books.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so used to the idea of having to fight another in a relationship, wherein I would maintain myself in constant fear of conflict yet at the same time, giving permission to it as a way to mimic the stories that I had read in books and movies, which implies that I made of my life a series of events that I could later on recall just like a movie that I could re-enact in my mind to get a positive feeling out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘empty’ whenever there was no ‘conflict’ going on in a relationship, because now I see and realize that all that I was seeking for was this rollercoaster ride of ultimate happiness and the direct opposite as conflict, anger, depression and any other emotion that I could use in order to deem myself as being ‘alive’ and ‘living’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shape my relationships and my life according to having ‘something to remember’ as memories of good times and bad times within relationships, as a way to declare that ‘I had lived’ and in that, get a sense of completion for the amount of memories I would have been able to store/ gather from my past as a way to define that I had been ‘happy’ once in my life.

 

I commit myself to expose the nature of relationships as conflict and constant friction for the sole energetic purpose that they entail as in stirring these emotions and feelings within ourselves only, wherein it is really never about ‘the other’ that we are feeling or becoming emotional about, but only ourselves as the idea of the relationship we have formed toward people in our minds, which is then entire self-created and must be taken self-responsibility for.

 

I commit myself to realize that all that I had aimed for as relationships was the type of masochistic and conflictive type of ‘tough love’ that I had decided to use as a way to ‘fuel my inspiration’ linked to art and writing, which had become the way to believe that ‘that was what my life was going to be about’ in terms of living like a constant drama, just like the stories of the romantic dramas that some of my personal heroes would go through in their lives, within this

 

I commit myself to expose how we as human beings get extensively influenced by the media as books, movies, TV shows and other type of ‘entertainment’ wherein the stereotypes of society are portrayed as characters that we then try to ‘mimic’ which ensures that the population remains in a constant continuation of the past, without ever really pondering ‘what are we actually accepting and allowing as relationships in the world?’ because that would lead to self-realizations about the unnecessary drama in our lives, and eventually get to stop the entire commerce and business that buying books, movies, series that portray these exotic and eccentric type of stories as a way to continue binding ourselves to memories and experiences and the entire ‘who we are’ as personalities as the ego of the mind.

 

I commit myself to reveal and expose how it is that the only thing that we are neglecting all the time that we are caught up in our personal romantic affairs and conflicts, is the physical, life that is being actually used only as a fuel to convert into emotions and feelings that we had deemed as being ‘life’ itself, which is absolutely unacceptable when it comes to realizing that: all that we had ever been is these self-seeking individuals through relationships that do not care at all about the rest of the world and the actual conflicts and problems that entail Money not being available for all beings in the world, where real problems are in the nature of starvation, poverty, illnesses, diseases, abuse, sexual exploitation and a massive industry based on this ‘love as charity’ that certainly does nothing to actually support beings in equality as life.

 

I commit myself to walk through my own memories of relationships in order to clear my starting point for and if there is an opportunity to create an actual agreement of self-support wherein no emotion and no feeling become the directive principle within such relationship, as I see, realize and understand to what extent I had given my power away to live through my mind, instead of living here as breath walking equal and one with another as a physical being, and not as a crutch to continue all types of drama and conflict to have ‘stories to tell.’

 

I commit myself to expose how we have become addicted to ‘having stories to tell’ as a way to define that we have ‘experiences’ and ‘have lived life’ fully, when in fact, it’s just prostituting life in the name of personal satisfaction as any form of good experience that recalling memories as something of ‘value’ within our lives  can create within ourselves.

 

I commit myself to stop all wars within me when being with others as I realize that this is actually self-interest that then becomes one plus point to the overall conflict and continual friction in the world that keeps this entire system ‘running’ on self-abuse.

 

To support and assist ourselves in Relationships beginning with our Self-Relationship, there’s the Desteni I Process course on Relationships/Agreements that is the most specific way to go dissecting ourselves as memories in order to finally establish life-worthy agreements that can stand beyond any energetic fix that we had become so addicted to.

 

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind would be actually quite cool as ourselves, living here as the physical breathing beings that we are wherein our minds are finally quiet equal and one as the physical, without memories to hold on to, without futures to look up to and in that, finally realizing the truth of ourselves in such completion. A long way to go, but we begin here.

 

No-lo-valen

 

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Life After God

“Is feeling nothing the inevitable result of believing in nothing? And then I got to feeling frightened – thinking that there might not actually be anything to believe in, in particular. I thought it would be such a sick joke to have to remain alive for decades and not believe in or feel anything.” – Douglas Coupland

This is a quote from the book ‘Life after God’ which I deemed to be one of my favorite books. After a while, I simply made the title my favorite part of it as this process has been in fact the realization of myself getting rid of any form of belief in a ‘god/ superior being’ and the religion I had created as myself and my own mind filled with limitations, fears and a certain angst toward reality, seeking a way to ‘save myself’ from what I deemed some type of ‘Earthly punishment.’

I was looking at some of my old blog entries which are a great way to look at myself 4 years ago and I can see how I was existing in an entire personality set that would seep through the entirety of the texts I wrote, fascinating how we can really pour out our entire personality through words.

Part of this process of getting to know ‘who I really am’ and what my actual expression is has been walked not only through words, but creating images/ drawings. I remembered how even if I had believed myself to be ‘alright’ in my world, images of the world Not being ‘alright’ were coming through in the form of drawings/ paintings, which lead me to actually see that how I experienced myself had to do with how I saw the world existed.

Let me explain it better. I’ve grown up in a supportive family, having all that I require to live and having access to education and even ‘follow my dreams’ to a certain extent – yet there was like an ‘existential anguish’ that hovered around me all the time, which is how I embodied a rather depressive personality even if I could smile and pretend that everything is fine and ‘have fun.’ Who I was and how I actually experienced myself would come out whenever I could experience myself being alone, that’s when the world would ‘fall on me’ and I would just see myself as incapable of doing something, not knowing exactly ‘what I could do to change the world,’ what I could do to give my life some meaning and direction, something that actually Mattered.

I was simply wanting to create a world that was in fact best for all – yet not naming it like that or even realizing this was actually the point – and in that, creating myself as a human being that could be ‘free’ from this system. The bounds and limitations I experienced were mostly related to me seeking something/ someone to come and save me – to ‘fulfill me,’ to give a meaning to my life. This book became a declaration of that, I could relate to what Doug Coupland was saying: feeling awkward for not feeling, losing any faith in a god yet desperately ‘needing’ something/ someone at the same time.  I also sought to be ‘happy’ at some point, because that’s what everyone wanted and desired and in my attempts to ‘fit in’ this world, I once sought to be fulfilled as well, never seeing that I was in fact only following what we’ve created as our personal agendas of self-service wherein we add the usual money, love, great health, great looks and being ‘free’ from whatever we perceived as an oppression. I also wanted that, and I also thought that because I had lost all ‘faith’ in myself I had to now deposit ‘faith’ into some greater outcome that I could hold on to, to keep walking, to give a meaning to life because nothing made any sense.

“My secret is that I need God – that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem to be beyond being able to love.”

I read this book in November, 2005 and this is the previous to last page of it. These particular words planted the ‘seed’ to ‘search for god’ in a more directive way. In the back of my head I knew that I was not ‘believing in god’ as the usual stereotype of a man sitting on heaven looking down at us. I sought for something ‘beyond myself’ and in that, my spiritual quest became a reality during 2006 and 2007, two intense years of my life wherein it is almost as if entire lifetimes of spiritual quests were just shrunk and condensed to be experienced in what I can only recall as one hell of a ride.

I resonated with such words because I also didn’t want to accept myself as ‘giving up’ on myself completely, I gave myself a last chance within seeking a religion, a God or anything that could give meaning to my life.  I was in quite a state of desperation and feeling like the ultimate victim, the misunderstood and sensitive woman on Earth that needs something/ someone to come and save her from her misery. I ‘knew’ that I had ‘so much to give’ but I couldn’t find it in myself to simply live it as myself – in fact all that I had missed within this entire personality was: Myself.

Seeking for God is no different to seeking for: ourselves. We really are the ones we have been waiting for. 

Within this process I realized how all the good intentions pave the road to hell, I had an ‘open heart’ to become a light worker or some other type of spiritual guru to support people, because I thought that only through fixing and saving others’ lives I could save mine. I always missed myself in the equation, missed myself as the starting point of it all.

When I realized I had to take my own life by the hand, I realized how much I had neglected myself: my physical body, the very breath that keeps me alive, the world that I live in which is providing me for what I eat. We get to be so consumed in our thoughts that we forget about the entire physical realm that is giving us the necessary to exist here – yet we use it only as fuel to charge up ourselves and continue only existing ‘up there’ in the mind, seeking for love, seeking for happiness, success, fulfillment, the perfect relationship, the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect reality wherein you just do the same every single day and wait to die to ‘ascend to heaven’  and apparently only ‘then’ be able to actually Live.

I was wrong and I can say that we’ve all been wrong within existing in this world in such a limited frame of mind of what ‘life’ is,  only thinking that this world cannot be changed because we hadn’t even realized what had to be changed and corrected. 

How can we give up on ourselves if we haven’t even ever lived?

How can we require a non-existent and invisible ‘god’ to help us do something while realizing that anything that we do or don’t do is only able to be walked and lived by ourselves, individually – yet as equals.

Walking out of a victimization state, walking out of self-pity, of an entire personality of being seemingly powerless, inferior, not able to do something to ‘change this world’ which I always saw as something ‘out there’ instead of beginning Here as myself.

The point of realizing I had been missing myself suffused as I walked a process of writing myself out, seeing how in between all the flair and personality I had become, I could spot some common sense that seemed like ‘the real me’ -  I started then digging more and more into those glimpses of common sense and realizing how I had to stop playing out the character that had become the epitome of hopelessness, of ‘waiting’ for something/ someone, of being just playing out the victim of society and spiting it back with self-abusive behaviors. That’s how some call our generation the ‘Lost Generation’ – yet we can only be lost if we had ever ‘found’ ourselves and we never did, because we always looked outside of ourselves. It was just a nice tag to remain in oblivion of what was actually/ really going on in this world, actual suffering that I avoided to look at during my ‘spiritual awakening’ because of believing that ‘focusing on the negative will create negativity in my life.’ Oh yes, how deluded was I.

I’ve forgiven myself for having deposited myself – yes almost in an accounting way – to the idea of a god or some extraordinary superior energy that I could attain and become eternally blissful with. We’ve all become lightworkers when seeking only to fulfill our own lives while neglecting the rest of the world, that’s a fact. If spirituality promotes individualism, capitalism could also be called light-system wherein we all sought it and depended of it to live.

As I write, it is still awkward we are living in a world where such fictional value still exist, seems like we are truly only playing re-runs of a reality that has already failed a long, long time ago. We’ve only continued living out this same reality out of being absolutely blind to see that we don’t require any god to Live, we don’t require any ‘all mighty dude’ to come and give us some guidelines on what needs to be done. We have a principle to live by and it is Equality as life, we have a set of tools to finally become our own self-responsible creators: self forgiveness, self honesty and an ever lasting consideration of what’s best for all as the starting point of anything we do and direct ourselves within our lives.

I have seen how ‘Life after God’ means just that: us human beings finally getting rid of such a dominant belief system to being to learn how to live. God isn’t only this ‘character’ we keep in the back of our heads as ‘something/ someone more powerful than us;’ God has also become our own ruling personality that decides for us, that seeks to remain in an eternal state of self righteousness because that is apparently ‘who we are.’

Equality can be anything, including God, but we can see that there is no point in naming it God if we are all one and equal – we could call ourselves god or saviors or anything else and remain the same meaning: self responsibility remains HERE as our duty, as a must do point to get to finally see what Living is all about.

At the moment we have only realized that this world is in our hands and that everything that we once sought for in a god/ religion/ philosophy/ spirituality is able to be given by ourselves as a self-willed living decision to stand up for Life in Equality, as a process of Self Forgiveness.

I now realize that every time that I saw no way out and wanting to ‘stop existing’ was only stemming from a desire to actually live. The bottom line is that whenever I saw myself yearning for a ‘way out’ it was actually wanting to get HERE, to be Real at last. It never made any sense to me that this is all there is to this world. And it is a fact, it is not all we can be.

We’ve been living in a system of limitation, separation, seclusion, fear, judgments and the list goes on. What happens after such restrictions? What is there to live once we free ourselves from our own personalities, once we shed the old skin manifested as this entire world system based in abuse, harm, hatred and disregard of each other? What comes after ‘God’ in our lives?

Ourselves, what’s here, reality to be explored, to Live.

How can we give up on ourselves if we have never been real? How can we feel lost if we never really ‘found’ ourselves? How could humanity ever trust in a god that never showed its face here? Ludicrous, yet we are here to stop existing in such limitation, we are here to support ourselves to shed the dry skin of the past and walk as the reality that we see is common sense to live in this world. It will take time, yes, but there is nothing else to be done here. Everything we could ever require to do so is already here, we just have to learn how to cooperate, work together, step out of our egos and limited frames of mind and give it all to make our lives real.

I speak this for myself as I saw how being in a pointlessness and rather obfuscated mind-view of this world lead me nowhere but to further thoughts and experiences of being lost and confused and helpless, never seeing that I had to become the point of my existence, that I had to do what it takes to get to actually Live. There is nothing else to be/ become or do here, we now stand as the law of our being, we become instruments to manifest what is already here in Equality.

Give yourself a chance, that’s what Desteni is about: giving ourselves this one opportunity, a second ‘go’ in this world to finally live. When I realized this point, I felt immensely grateful – no exaggeration -because I realized how I had wanted to die only because of being tormented by my own thoughts, by my own fears, by my own limited view of ‘who I am’ as this being that wasn’t certainly ‘comfortable’ in her own skin before, I am getting there as every day that I untie a knot that keeps me bound to the past that I was. I saw how it wasn’t a ‘god’ giving me a second chance, it was actually me having placed myself in this process, in this position wherein I am willing myself to live – this is what’s so important about this process: we do it to ourselves, we live it ourselves, we stand as individuals yet altogether as one single agreement: to live what’s best for all, to be and become the change that we’ve never ever seen in this reality.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss myself in the entire equation that I am as Life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to end my ‘life’ without having ever actually lived

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever be so tormented by my own thoughts, by my own fears, by my own feelings and emotions without ever realizing I was doing it all myself, that I could stop being a victim by stopping myself from victimizing myself, that I could stop myself from generating experiences in an attempt to ‘live’

Certainly, the point that I’ve learned this life is how to Forgive Myself. Once we grasp the meaning of this, we open the door to an actual ability to live, we untie the knots that we’ve created, just because of not knowing what could possibly ‘be’ if we let go of our mind. That’s life after God, life after our own religion of self as the mind, Life after the limited frame of view we’ve had of this world until now.

We are ready, we are walking here to actually live – we don’t really require anything or anyone else – all is set and ready for us to take the wheel and drive the road to Here, as Equals.

Quotes taken from:

Coupland, Douglas. Life After God. 1st ed. New York: Pocket books, 1995. Print.

Watch Anna talking about a song by Robot Virgins that certainly came through as I was writing this blog, you’ll find the link to the song and the album in Anna’s video. Please listen as this is definitely a cool  add on to this entry

2012 – Music that Changed My Life: Robot Virgins “Your Truth”

http://www.desteni.org

http://www.eqafe.com – Life Supports Life


Stopping being self-whacking bubbles

The one thought that you give attention to, the thought that will become your driver.

It may seem impossible to ‘snap out of it’ while being driven at 200 km/h by a thought within an entire plethora of memories as pictures, sounds, smells, words, colors, people – it really did seem difficult to realize that I am actually able and capable of stopping that in one single breath as a constant and continues living-application of simply not allowing myself to ‘go inflate the bubble’ but rather burst it and remain here, grounded, breathing.

 

Imagine enraged people fighting against each other suddenly realizing that: they can stop the thoughts of hatred towards each other, remove the accumulated grudge and scorn, drop the guns and simply breathe. That’d be a cool movie to create and Holy-wood would simply go bankrupt.

 

Yes, thoughts have become our most-vivid and personalized enter.tamement – forget about personal gadgets and whackgets, this is the real deal man, how else would you then be able to create an entire puffing-up experience of yourself but through thinking, feeling and experiencing yourself as your mind – that addiction, that sole self projection as Ego that we create and go whacking the bubble as our minds that have become the coins in the piggy savings container that is ready to burst – we’ve all contributed to this  bomb that is ready to explode as this time-ticking world is revealing to be standing up. It is us, humans, that must become walking-physical beings, not airy fluffy walls of soap that are easily moved and burst out with a single blow. Let that blow be your breath, here, in every moment. 

 

Now it’s not about the human as the physical being that could actually reduce their current life-style in an 80% and live in simple ways wherein we could essentially become environment-friendly as physical beings instead of creating environment-friendly products and further organic waste– which we produce anyways. There is a solution to that (Equal Money System)

 

What we’ve got to work with is stopping that thought/thinking experience as ‘who we are’ – Literally ponder that, how would the world be if no more history was held at the memory level – there’d be no nations, no hierarchies, no values on ‘more’ or ‘less’ as there’d be no reference points for that, no distinction between one another as there would be no names to honor or hate, there’d be no interest as money would not serve a purpose of keeping accounts in red numbers depicting the fallacy of the current monetary system for the fictional story of the apparent lack that has represented up until now – Money would become an actual living-organism, a functional part of the system that supports life and not drains and sucks everyone dry on endless payrolls.

 

Who has allowed all of this? We have.  And who has deliberately by actual choice  neglected the consequences that we’ve created not only for ourselves at the moment, but for every single living being in this world that we believe don’t have the ability to ‘think’ or ‘speak’, what about the generations to come if we don’t stop the current machinery and create a system that’s literally part of the living process as the physical, that’s best for all – We have done this, now, there’s no time to wallow in pity. Self Forgive and face the music.

 

Our money-mind master must cease to exist as it currently works– within this, all value placed on thoughts, memories, pictures, people, ideas, projections, mind networks of relationships must be annihilated along with the current monetary system that keeps such bubbles in place – take a look at it, what we believe ourselves to be has been made-possible due to the money we have/ we don’t have.

 

Easy example: do you ‘think’ that a person that’s currently “living” in a survival-mode has time to dwell upon emotional turmoil or failed relationships or lost dreams – furthermore, seeking to gain ‘more power’? No, they’re most likely focusing their every moment on continuing breathing and getting any means possible to live such as food, some clean water and a place to spend the night in.

 

A single example on how ludicrous it is to pay-off our apparent  ‘madness’ is giving names to our own accepted and allowed mind-delusion with such nicely placed psychiatric-savvy tags such as ‘social anxiety’, ‘bipolar disorder’ and a long list of so-called mental/personality disorders that are then obviously treated with drugs so that everybody wins and ends up with a happy smile on their fake-face. It can’t obviously be a real solution, yet people see no ‘solution’ other than indulging in chemicals to apparently ‘do the fixing’ that we’re more than able and capable of doing through an actual self-willed process that requires no pills to place into action, but single words as Self to be Lived:

Self Forgiveness.

 

A single process of daring ourselves to be intimate with ourselves for the first time, nurturing ourselves and caring for ourselves to stand up from the pit of self-pity, suffering, hatred, anger, frustration, belittlement, impotence, weakness, ugliness, shyness, self-loathing and self-suffocating experience that is ALL created at the mind level. It is this experience that is mostly existent in all human beings that has been projected as our spiteful, vengeful and absolutely self-abusive monetary system as the world system we’re currently accepting and allowing ourselves to live in.

 

It can only be an act of cynicism to claim we’re NOT responsible for how we are currently existing in this world, not actually realizing that we are the creators of each and every single outcome that has taken place Here and the consequences that go beyond what our eyes can see.

 

When realizing the extent of this, we can only simply STOP from being such whacking bubbles of self-deception and self-infatuated importance and forgive ourselves– because we can’t possibly create a new world upon layers of decadence lived as mind-drones. We can’t possibly go on as we currently are.

 

Stopping that masochism that we exist as in our heads can stop wars in our reality – yes, this is revealing how we are all responsible for what we’ve accepted and allowed within/out of ourselves as this world/ reality.

 

That second chance, that bringing-yourself-back-here is Here for everyone. This is not glorious, this is a Fact. This is the simplicity of stopping our thoughts, emotions, feelings and Pandora’s box will simply be sealed off forevermore.

It is only the rush, the energy, the mind-craving addiction that can keep us wanting more & more from it without realizing the obvious self-abuse that it brings and entails for all – equal and one.

We begin by giving ourselves time to breathe, to stop thinking and dare to walk mind-bare here, breathing ourselves through time and space.  That’s the real deal – suggest you try it out and you’ll see how one by one we can set us free.

This is 100% doable, we’re walking it – Are You?

 

 

 

Desteni


The Breaking Point: how to live it & walk it.

There is a moment wherein we are faced with one decision: you take the blue pill and pretend you never heard of anything that could ever disturb your perfect little bubble OR you take the red pill and  you are virtually in for a self-directive ride wherein the only possible outcome is getting to actually LIVE for the very first time in all your lives this far.

 

The breaking point, the decision to live is made by choosing the red pill = choosing Life which first comes through doses that we take every time that we watch the Desteni material, every time that we read an article, every time that we watch and read fellow Destonians’ vlogs & blogs daring to expose the mind that’s equally existent in all of us – yes! that same mind that we had all kept away from the view of anyone and everyone, wanting only ‘us’ to be creating our magnificent little bubbles of existence apart from anyone’s awareness… lol at Desteni this is simply not possible anymore.
 
As we go walking this decision, participating in the forum becomes the most refreshing experience as we go by sharing ourselves, letting all our mind-programming out through writings which will also support fellow human beings at the perfect place to share, get perspectives from others and within that, correcting our view of ourselves and the world aligning them in common sense to realize where is it that Self Honesty exists in any given situation that we may face as human beings on this Earth – fascinating, such place hadn’t ever existed until now as the Desteni Forums.

 

Within walking this process it becomes inevitable to stop who we’ve been and become to finally start changing and standing up as who we really are, a new human being that is no longer bound to fears, judgments, prejudices or to any type of adjective that may tamper our actual expression that supports ourselves as LIFE – this new human being then begins a process of Self Realization which is not anything ‘magnificent’ as some would like to think it is or experience, yet it is magnificent from the perspective of giving ourselves a second chance to start all over again, to begin from an unknown scratch to create ourselves as these new human beings that are willing themselves to support themselves, to be living examples of how it is that the world would be a better place amongst human beings that worth themselves as life.
 
Yet this is not all nice and rosy, nope – this new stance will then clash and create frictions around the rest of our world wherein everything remains ‘the same’ = that’s the breaking point, wherein we have to make a decision to no longer being bound to the same old same old which is ‘safe’ even if we are certainly limiting or abusing ourselves within fears, prejudices and all other types of limitations that we’ve lived within those boundaries because ‘that’s all we’ve ever known’.
We had never considered that we could actually become someone different. This is then the moment where we stand for ourselves for the very first time even though the mind may scream ‘Nooo!’ and wants to ‘give up’ from facing ourselves and creates all types of justifications of why ‘the old’ is better than the actual fresh new start which is self directed and unexplored.
 
We fear the future that we haven’t created yet what we haven’t realized is that such future is being created by the same mind that is obviously wanting to remain ‘as is’ with no challenge or disturbance into its intricate perfected flawed-idea of ourselves that we’ve lived as ‘who we are’ this far.  Lol.

 

Ludicrous that we’ve actually allowed this ourselves – breathe
 
I can hardly relate to the person I’d saw in old pictures, yet it’s still me, I’m still facing myself and my past and the more I walk the more I shed and peel off the layers of that person that I once was – lol it’s quite cool to have a self-reference of ‘who we were’ through our writings, through pictures or even interactions with ‘old friends’ or family or whoever as the image that they had of us is certainly not the same as what we are now – and this is not only bound to hair and no hair, even though it is most certainly a cool an self-empowering action on a daily basis : D.

 

So to recap: the breaking point is that moment wherein we decide to finally let go of the idea/belief that we had cherished for so long as ‘who we are’, our ‘precious’ personality and ego that encompasses our fantabulous little bubble wherein we have created ourselves to be our wondrous ideal shaped and formed accordingly as a personality/ego that seeks constant confirmation of its existence by fellow mind consciousness systems yelling out ‘I’m Here!’, ‘recognize me!’, ‘acknowledge me!’, ‘I want your attention!’ – all ego based.

 

One of the points that certainly becomes a bit ‘tough’ is going through relationships as friends, family, partners and walking these changes as ourselves – some might remain – though in my case almost everyone was gone except for the family, yet what I want to share is that even though it seemed ‘hard’ at the beginning like letting go of my “friends” and my “life” I wouldn’t have changed this process at all, even the seemingly ‘tough moments’ are able to be transcended through constant application – man! It takes time yes so patience, consistency and diligence in one’s application is key here –

 

I’ll make the analogy of the shaved hair and my process: at first it took me quite some time to take the decision of ‘I’ll do it’ because it’s not one of those decisions that will give you ‘something in exchange’ or a ‘reward’ – it’s one of those self-willed actions that you take for you-yourself for the very first time as self support – yes awkward virtually very few will ‘get it’ on why you do it, irrelevant if they don’t though lol –
 
So, once the decision is made, you go through the actual process of ‘shaving your head’ which can be equated to that moment wherein you decide to support yourself, that first time you saw yourself applying Self Forgiveness, that first time that you Write Yourself to Freedom – such a cool and innocent moment wherein we are actually supporting ourselves for the very first time – same with the hair point as a symbol for Standing up for Life in Equality.
 
Then comes the actual facing of ourselves in the mirror – oh man! the shock, the initial discomfort, judgment, even hatred of what we’re looking as ‘ourselves’ – same goes when we start writing and revealing ourselves as what we’ve become – from there you know ‘there’s no going back’ I mean, once I decided to shave my head it was definitive as in ‘I will do it for life till I die or till Equality is in place in this world’ – such a stance is how I placed myself and directed myself within my process – walking through the breaking points no matter what, breath by breath- here integrating myself as the physical.

 

What’s awesome about walking as a group here is that: you’re not alone while walking through the breaking point – you got people reading, watching and supporting you in realizing how that is actually the way to ‘break free’ from our limitations as they have walked the same or similar points within their own reality – and even if at the beginning we want to sit and cry and give up, we walk through that point, we go through the process of actually accepting and embracing ourselves which is quite a point -  it took me quite a while to actually accept myself as a human being that’s not less than or more than but equal – that’s it –
 
Shedding self definitions is the most empowering thing and understand power is in each breath that we take as the ability to simply be HERE – not ‘thinking’ of ‘process’ but actually living it as ourselves.

 

That’s the actual simplicity of it and it’s been fascinating yet, I say: don’t worry if these words don’t seem to make full sense, each one gets to this point eventually wherein – taking the shaved-head analogy again – you simply stop judging yourself every time you look at yourself in the mirror and start embracing yourself as the physical human being that we are – that’s the point wherein we no  longer get our backchat as a constant self-sabotaging experience and instead we face, we expose ourselves and eventually stand with a shaved head, a clear mind and a constant stance that becomes who you are in all ways and all aspects of yourself – real characters of life –

 

This is in fact possible, we’re living it and I encourage everyone to realize that giving up is of the mind, there is no such thing as giving up life and all that we require to do is be patient with ourselves, be constant and not fearing ‘losing’ the idea of what we’ve become because it’s just that! an idea, a bubble in the head, baggage containing pictures, words, sounds, people, smells that we’ve defined as ‘ourselves’ – each definition we impose on ourselves is one single point of limitation to who we are as unconditional expression – yet it’s cool to see who we are as such definitions and go exposing it and walking them as that’s what’s cool of this process.

 

See, only the ego can be hurt and create such a heaviness about it – man! Life does not really ‘feel’ hurt or cannot ‘fear losing itself’-  lol that’s all mind survival and as such, we continue walking and breathing and facing ourselves going past the illusions and delusions that we’ve accepted as ‘who we are’.

 

DSC00007

This process is the most liberating experience a human being has ever experienced on Earth and we have the ability to walk it and live it fully here and within that, being supporting others to breakthrough as well, it is quite amazing as we go expanding ourselves in Equality – the ego goes diminishing every time as we walk by, letting go of our world, bursting our bubble is actually stepping out of our jail that was only mental and never physical.

 

Once you dare to step into the seemingly ‘unknown’, you start realizing that it is the realization of who we are in simplicity as walking, breathing, shitting human beings that relate to others and have a life-time in this world – yes we know this is not currently the best way to live and that the system requires a complete reform, for that we propose the Equal Money System and we realize how it is actually important to care for this world as a whole, as ourselves because it is only then that we start seeing the greater picture and stop focusing on feeding our ‘petty little lives’ with our occupations up there in the mind.

 

Dare to walk, dare to embrace yourself as Life, dare to let go of the old to welcome the new that won’t just be another rusty program but an actual self-directive, self-willed attitude that supports Life in all ways – you’ve got to actually move this to create it, it won’t come your way – this is it.

We got his one Life – Let’s Do It!

 

http://www.desteniiprocess.com


The world just had a ‘tough day’

It is through wake-up calls that humanity will start seeing more and more that we are driving this world into insanity.
Coming home watching the news with a ‘financial meltdown’, London in flames and 29 000 kids under 5 years old dead in Somalia over 3 months of starvation with other 3.5 million severely requiring immediate aid makes you ponder how far do we have to go to see what we’re doing to ourselves in this world.

Within this, I’ve encountered ‘mixed perspectives’ so to speak wherein some are still taking a side on the entire problem instead of realizing that it is all our creation – equally – We’ve been the creators of the current system wherein we’ve allowed royals to exist while millions starve in a country where no one can even ‘help’ because of further jihads taking place in the area.

Though this and what is to come, we cannot allow ourselves to be appalled, that can only add on to the hysteria that’s being promoted while it’s only about seeing what’s going on in the world as a result of our negligence to all life.

I made this etching this some 3 years ago – it was part of realizing that we’ve cut our own hand while creating this reality, it’s the realization that we have actually failed to see this world as ourselves, and from there my stand can only be the realization that it is me that must stand up even if the world is upside down, through that constant support that I can give myself to not allow myself to ‘fall’ into a certain state due to how I see the world I am able to then embrace this world as myself and walk the necessary steps to continue living for life – to continue walking this process until it’s done.

It’s quite obvious that the events that are to come into this world won’t be ‘brighter’ tomorrow – we’ll be facing the truth and reality of ourselves full on and within all of this, within you sitting in front of your tv or computer, I can only say: watch the news, get informed in relation to what’s going on in this world, but let’s not get ourselves down or appalled by what we see – we rather see it as a manifested consequence of our disregard to life, of the failure that we’ve created as humanity to guard Life and instead guarded money with our lives – failing to see that our duty to be a custodian to life has been diverted towards an outcome that can have only result in an imperative desire to be the ‘kings of the world’ at all cost – that cost is here, is higher than ever and what we are realizing is nothing nice, nothing pretty of ourselves – this is our actual revelation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect life in all moments wherein I kept accepting a system wherein we simply continued participating in our worlds without having ever asked pertinent questions in relation to our existence, to our ability to create a system that could work for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept social inequality as the result of my own desire to avoid self-responsibility wherein the existence of slaves and economically marginalized people signified a convenience for me to not have to ‘do the job’ but rather have the ‘power’  as money to have others doing the stuff for me, having others taking self responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be appalled by the news today calling it a ‘tough day for Earth’ without realizing that this is just information that we are getting to know of because it’s got major impact on financial markets- YET the abuse, the starvation, the corruption that’s existent everywhere in this world doesn’t get such promotion because it prevents people from ‘being happy’ and consuming more to fool-fill themselves.

I can see that I have accepted and allowed this all the way hence me being affected by it is in fact resorting once again as a victim to this world and system without realizing I am this world, I am this system and I can’t possibly continue this way.

I realize that I am the only one that is able to support myself and within this, support others equally to walk this no matter what, not allowing us to react and participate in massive-hysterias and massive-fears which can only be but another way to drive humanity easy to self-doom.

We stop and we simply expose the reality for what it is, always pointing out that it’s about the entire contract that we’ve created as humanity while disregarding our ability to create a system that could be best for all. I allow myself to liv e in Equality to no longer be another ‘affected person’ but be a self-directive person that exposes, that shares perspectives in order to continue supporting ourselves, to lose all faith and believes of a ‘better world’ and instead dare to care and live myself through writing, through reflecting my experience and correct it in my reality.

I no longer allow myself to be appalled by the events of this world wherein I speak from a point of knowledge based on what’s being promoted in the news and instead, continue to breathe and walk and direct myself to a single outcome which is Equality as Life as myself, realizing and applying it and living it every moment that I’m here – from there, I can only see that the ‘tough days’ can be walked and breathed through, learning what we’ve done and why we have created this world as it currently is. Taking Self Responsibility for ourselves as individuals within the context of this world is key point here

Thank you – see you at Desteni.

http://www.desteni.co.za


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