Tag Archives: tantrum

147. Hissy Fit: Cleaning Demonic Possession

 

Today after listening to the Whale interviews – which supported me to also get back ‘down to Earth’ after getting pissed off at irresponsible situations going on ‘at home’ –  I realized how Thinking is Self Interest even if such interest in this case is getting pissed off and KNOWING IT – and still acting out on it  – furthermore I realized how through thinking we have denied/closed off and diminished ourselves to only see a VERY limited version of our reality, we get stuck on a minute version of what WE are able to see, realize and understand and experience in our minds only, while there’s an entire existence going on in this reality with beings that are far more aware than ourselves about us human beings and this entire existence while we simply decide to annihilate and exterminate animals for whatever reason we might ‘think’ it is appropriate to do so. Wow, really, wow – and all of this I realized after going through one of Marlen’s greatest fears:  finding a house absolutely dirty after I leave for only a week after several months.

1st point: my ‘plans’ were disturbed (pattern of getting out of routine/ expected future projection) the moment that I came in and saw the mess – and decide that I have to clean it up as there is no way I can leave the mess as is for one more second.

- – Thoughts: I cannot possibly let this all remain as is, it is unbelievable, I have to clean it all up

Imagination: this existed as an image that came up during the first hours of the day and future projecting myself being back home, in my ‘work space’ and focusing on my tasks.I was aiming at getting back home early and get back on track to everything that I had to do – instead, I spent hours cleaning and arranging what was ‘my own fear/ nightmare’ in terms of precisely having evading leaving the city for

1. wasting time

2. coming back and finding an entire mess in the house – kitchen specifically as I obviously have no say in people’s rooms

Backchat chart:

  • - I leave and everyone just stops giving a fuck about cleaning at all
  • - this is WHY I don’t like fucking leaving the house, everything turns into a mess when I’m not around here
  • - why can’t THEY take Responsibility for cleaning up after ALL THIS TIME!
  • - It is IMPOSSIBLE that at this stage, they are STILL doing this even though they KNOW it is unacceptable
  • -WHY Can’t they just have a BIT of consideration
  • - And endless coursing that ‘I KNEW’ I was shouting out loud

 

Yes, anger, I have written about it for a long time – and even remembering when I was so surprised when anger was like a point that I had simply covered up with an image of ‘Everything is just fine in the world!’ and when getting to see the actuality of it all, anger emerged – suppressed realization of what I had deliberately neglected/ dismissed in my reality and then deliberately acting upon anger itself. Yes, Deliberately – and this can lead to Who am I as Deliberate acting-out in anger?

What are the physical points within this mind-cleaning-demonic-possession frame of mind within acting out in anger: Grabbing all the dishes piled up on the sink with all the food clogging the tube and tossing them into a wooden box, grabbing the cleaning gloves, sponges, detergent/ cleaning liquid and spilling it all over the stove, tables, sink to start scrubbing away the ‘dirt’ – every spot I would turn my eyes to, I’d find just some other fine mess –  gather all the rotting organic garbage out of the kitchen, take out the trash, grab broom and start sweeping to then mix water and literally throw water on the floor to clean it, all of it while cursing and pushing stuff that would be deliberately ‘standing on my way.’  It’s not the first time that happens and I have ‘vowed’ myself to stop it, however in my mind the self-righteous point of ‘I CAN get angry because there is No responsibility taken’ emerges. The backchat in such moment was actually spoken out loud, and – here comes the point -‘I KNOW/ I KNEW’ that I was doing it, I was ‘perfectly aware of it’ – then, why didn’t I stop? – I have written about self-righteousness when getting angry about abuse, and so I had the opportunity to ask Enlil today about confusion with regards to this righteousness to be angry and the relationship formed when facing any situation of abuse.  Yes, Enlil, Mr. Relationship-formations co-founder of humanity Inc.

Marlen, lol – seems you really want to be/become angry at abuse –

that’s cool, meaning that is a ‘first step’ – but what happens when you get angry is that the abuse wins, because you react – the same as when bullied, for example –

you react in terms of what the bully intended, the bully wins, the system is throwing things at humanity’s face essentially to have you react, cause the moment you react, you’re powerless cause the mind takes over in that moment,

and every time you react – you react, and don’t use the time in-between to stand / establish solutions, everyone is in some way or another angry and always have been, but there come a time when the anger must be transcended, must take a breath, must realise it’s here and must realise it’s going to take time to change and self getting angry about it won’t change it, and doesn’t make self a better person for being angry
 

what does determine self is what you walk to change it in the actions you live

 

the anger, it’s also an interesting point because in a way one rather want to get angry than having to admit to the point that it’s going to take time to change; like we don’t want to go to that realisation that it’s going to take time, there’s nothing one can do about it RIGHT NOW – so it’s a fear of going into that realisation, that it is too late to change it all NOW, and that it’s going to be a process and so we get angry, more at ourselves really and the sense of powerlessness we experience; but you cannot let the anger/powerlessness diminish you

 

- Pointer to look at within this context:  

  • –I Expected ‘them’ to Already Know that they Have to clean/ take the trash out/ leave the kitchen clean before leaving for the weekend
  • – I ‘hoped’ it would happen, I believed that I didn’t have to remind them because I ‘assumed’ that they are aware of what they have to do after (adding more ‘charge to the possession’) 2 years of being living together
  • – I was aware of being angry and deliberately deciding to shout and curse in that moment – who am I within this moment and this split second decision? I take the point of being righteous as the mind and decide to get possessed by the moment, wherein, as Enlil clarified: cause the moment you react, you’re powerless cause the mind takes over in that moment, and this justified from the self-righteous desire to say: “It is Unbelievable that they Still haven’t gotten the point, they can’t be self-responsible about their own shit”

 

What do we have? Anger projected at others within the realization that I in fact ‘expected’ others to act/ be / do what I expected them to do, realizing that after ‘all this time’ they haven’t changed and still require policeman in the head to change – believing that because we’ve had confrontations about the same cleaning thing in the past, they would ‘learn’ from it and change, meaning: this time ensuring they do take care of their own stuff while I’m not at home – Believing that we have ‘matured’ our relationship as house mates and they were ‘doing better’ now – in terms of being more considerate – Believing that 2 years would be enough to change an entire lifetime of personal habits of cleaning just because of ‘being living here’  –  believing that they would read notes on the wall of what to do and what not to do, not realizing we as humanity have done all of this and taken it to the next level of negligence, sometimes or the majority of the times.

 

And if I actually look at it from the perspective Enlil shared here, it was me in fact feeling ‘powerless’ because they were not at home for me to exert my anger onto them and shout in from of their face – as I write I realize that I am trying to bring up other points like them leaving the door  of the house open in order for me to get some condescending readers about this, but no. I realized  how I was angry at myself for having expected the house to be a particular way – not meeting my expectations that were also a possibility to turn into a fear and so, some equations took place and I reacted to this point/ event that could have been the outflow.

 

Being Self-Honest, I was in fact angry at me getting angry at the exact same type of situations I thought I was ‘transcended’ or not as ‘reactive’ as before – however, I still went into it, I ‘did it anyway’ and as such, this deliberate acts have consequences for not having actually breathed through it and simply direct myself to still clean up everything as I had realized I would from the get go . My body hurts in various spots as I realize that any little strain it is as painful as having run a marathon in a matter of hours.

And if we look at the points wherein I am projecting blame on to others, it is in fact the exact same points we ALL do. I ‘know’ I should stop, but I ‘gave into’ the anger anyways – and it is a point that I see and realize is not to be further judged, but realized as a simple way to reflect how everything that we judge about others is in fact what I am doing within myself.

I also realize I can only react to such an extent if I have in fact accumulated negative energy-experiences as thoughts that I can only exert as a point of accumulation triggered by apparent ‘external factors.’ I see that in the moment that I saw the overflowing pile of dishes, I ‘made the decision’ to become possessed in anger – and it’s is a fuckup, yes but I am also seeing how it works, and this is also thanks to the  Quantum Mind Self Awareness interviews to see how we in fact do have a moment to decide who and what we decide to be and exist as in every moment: breath or a mind-possession taking over.

Thinking, becoming emotional, and justifying anger is still of the mind as only a mind can react according to its own parameters of what is dirty, what is abuse, what is ‘too much’ based on memory – so, it’s to remember:

the anger must be transcended, must take a breath, must realise it’s here and must realise it’s going to take time to change and self getting angry about it won’t change it, and doesn’t make self a better person for being angry

 

So, I’ll be walking the various points here now that I’ve laid out the plot, the spoiler and placed the point into perspective to see where and how shoving away our thoughts can also create an accumulation that awaits to be exerted at the least ‘provocation’ –

Is it really necessary to live this way? No, it is not living, it is only reacting as expected based on patterns – who do I decide to be: a predictable pattern or a physical body that decides to walk the points – any point – as breath?

I Choose Life. Self Responsibility at all times

Desteni

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

7 Year Journey To Life 

Déjalo atrás

 

MUST Read Blogs

to Understand who we are as the Mind, what we have done As the mind and our commitment to stop continuing this reality as is due to our accepted and allowed participation:


Ever wondered what Real Enlightenment can be? I discovered it today, the most humbling interviews are the ones directed by the Animal Kingdom at Eqafe, revealing ourselves how little-to-nothing do we in fact ‘know’ about ourselves – time to realize what is real, fellow humans:

A humbling series of explanations about LIFE, the animal kingdom, marine biology and human communication – this is the first seAssion with the whales and all you’ll end up realizing is how on Earth could we ever claim any form of ‘scientific evolution’ or human evolution for that matter while disregarding the beings that are in fact Aware of themselves as this entire existence – and what are we human beings doing onto them? We all know – Time to OPEN OUR EYES and Educate ourselves with something that has Never ever been shared in the history of humanity, it’s about time we HEAR what we never even ‘thought’ would be possible.


127. Confessions of a Control Freak

I Forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to relate the word control to myself as a negative experience in relation to the illusion of being able to control another’s expression/ words as well as my environment, to the extent where whenever I hear the word ‘control’ I try to hide and suppress the actual identification that I have kept within myself, in a rather foolish manner as who am I as control but fear itself.

When and as I see myself reacting to the word control – I stop and I breathe – I realize that control does not exist, it is an illusion that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as in order to try and create a point of external stability within an environment and toward others’ words and deeds, which is separation.

 

Thus I realize that control as a living word means directing myself as one and equal, which implies taking into consideration another’s context so that I ensure that who I am within a particular moment toward another is not superior, nor inferior, nor separated from another but instead, allow myself to see where and how I can direct myself as an equal to that something/ someone and as such, realize that any illusion of control only exists as a desire stemming from actual fear of an environment/ someone in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the illusion of control wherein if something/someone’s expression/ words are out of place/ out of my schemes I react in anxiety as that is something that I cannot possibly ‘control,’ which is only indicating that I haven’t established myself as an equal and one relationship to that something/ someone, as I am still existing within the illusion and belief of me having any control upon something/ someone.  

When and as I see myself reacting in anxiety when seeing something/ someone’s words and deeds being ‘out of my control,’ I stop and I breathe – Instead of reacting with backchat, I direct myself to take a deep breath and see where I am reacting to words according to such words being directed toward me and instead see where and how I can direct myself to an equal and one consideration/ starting point of self-support.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the backchat ‘why did he/she say that? Why the fuck is he/she still thinking about that?’ wherein I am implying that I want the person to already be ‘beyond’ a particular way of thinking, which is me wanting to impose my own ideals of what another should be talking about/ expressing according to my own schemes that I have imposed onto a particular person, wherein I then project judgment upon another by standing in an apparent superiority mode as if ‘I knew better’ at all times – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that the words/ the expression is related to me as the ‘who I am’ in my mind, wherein then I react in a extreme want/ need/ desire to control their expression just because of how I am in fact identifying myself with what’s being said, which implies that I am in reality fearing myself being hurt/ damaged/ thought about in a similar way by another, which implies that I am fearing thoughts as if they implied any real harm toward another, as I see and realize that all thoughts are self-created and as such, the consequences exist only toward oneself at all time.

I realize that I then take responsibility for my own words, thoughts and deeds wherein instead of wanting to control another’s backchat and thoughts, I focus on stopping my reactions to words themselves as words are innocent – yet it is us and the relationships we have created with words that are the actual point of abuse.

When and as I see myself fearing another’s words/ backchat being related to me in any way whatsoever, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is me allowing myself to be separated from words and creating a reaction to them by taking them ‘personally’ and I see and realize that the only thing that can take something personal is the ego of the mind as in the physical, all words that are not able to be lived are simply irrelevant to who and what I am here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control others expression/words/ deeds in order for me to remain ‘safe’ within the predictability that such point of constancy and consistency as a form of control upon others represent, wherein nothing goes ‘out of MY control’ and in that, ensuring that I remain within a position of comfort and familiarity, not realizing how this sense of ‘comfort and familiarity’ within an apparent control of my environment/ others within it, is actually a constant application of actually fearing the ‘unpredictable’ which is always something feared in relation to what others can ‘do to me’/ how something can directly affect me, which reveals the application of control as a form of absolute self interest, wherein such interest stands as a strong desire to keep everything ‘under my control’ as a form of power and superiority in my mind so that ‘nothing can harm me.’

I see and realize that my application of and as control has always existed as a cover up for the actual fear of things being ‘out of my control’ and in that, realizing that I have never in fact being in control of anything or anyone, as I see and realize how we have never even been able to be actually controlling/ self-directing our own thoughts, movements and actions at all times. Thus I see how the illusion of control is just another form of fear masked with superiority upon others, exerted through means and ways that impose fear in order to create an illusion of ‘order and stability,’ which is part of the totalitarian means in which I allowed myself to develop a form of stability as a character within/as control.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to create a point ‘order and stability’ within controlling others expression/ words, I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am in fact fearing things going ‘out of control’ and the unpredictable-  thus I direct myself to instead of reacting to words/ deeds, I take such words and deeds to support myself to see ‘who I am’ within such words, take responsibility for my reactions and then, if I am able and capable of in the moment, assist and support another to walk through the point of self-delusion as words that imply an obvious point of harm and self-abuse.

 

I realize that the responsibility that we hold toward words is individual – and this implies that I take responsibility for the words that I exert/ express as a form and within/as the desire for control, as well as the reactions toward words that I assess within my mind as being ‘out of my control,’ wherein I see the point as separate from me instead of seeing and realizing that real harm would not be only existent as words but as an actual living out of such harm in a physical manner.

Thus I assist and support myself as another to walk through words that imply an obvious point of self-abuse/ physical abuse toward oneself or another and as such see how the point is not to control another’s words implying abuse, but assisting and supporting them to walk through the point of abuse once that I have Self-Forgiven and written out a point of practical application in relation to stopping reactions toward words and focus on assisting and supporting another to do the same.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear imposing myself and often holding the backchat of ‘I am a really difficult person to deal with,’ wherein I believe that If I was in another’s shoes talking to me, I’d be wanting to throw a tantrum against myself, which implies how I haven’t equalized myself to my expression of self-direction in equality, which is the definition of control that I see I am allowing myself to live and apply in order to assist and support myself to give myself and others equal and one direction toward that which is best for all, which is what we as the mind fear, resist or react to simply because we have never stood one and equal as our minds.

I see and realize that the reactions toward the word control can only exist if I allow myself to create a point of superiority or inferiority in relation to what control means – thus I realize that in my mind any application of control has stemmed from an actual fear of ‘not being controlling something/ someone’ which implies by default that I had never in fact stood in an equal and one “relationship” to another, but always creating either an inferiority or superiority point.

Inferiority – In-fear-I roar- it – which is how control as an apparent/ illusionary form of control as ‘grandiosity/ magnificence/ god status’ is created, which is how superiority stems from this point of actual fear as inferiority toward something/ someone.

 

When and as I see myself thinking/ backchatting ‘I am a real difficult person to deal with’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a statement of self manipulation wherein I am in fact victimizing myself as ‘an ogre/ a control freak’ upon others to justify my actual desire to continue controlling. Thus Instead I take a deep breath so stop participating in my own self-manipulative backchat to not change my application within self-righteousness and instead, allow myself to place myself in the shoes of another when and while interacting to ensure that I am walking-with me here as another, understanding the words being said, clearing any reaction as backchat that may emerge and as such, focus on the direct physical interaction of sharing/ expressing in and as words/ physical movements to ensure that we are on the same physical-page of communication.

 

I see and realize that the relationship toward the word ‘Control’ in itself has been a point of fear masked by/ through the application of control as apparent ‘power’ upon something/ someone, an imposition of sorts to create a sense of stability and immobility that benefits the illusion of ‘normalcy’ within our minds, which is how we have created our laws, rules/ regulation in society wherein we believe that we are  ‘in control’ and living in ‘order,’ just because of these laws, rules and regulations wherein we lure each other to ‘behave’ and ‘align’ to the system as a form of loyalty to it, which is adding a positive experience to this illusion of control that we often call ‘state of law and order’ which is controlling/ imposing an apparent power over the population by instilling fear and punishment for whomsoever attempts to ‘break the law,’ without realizing how such laws were in fact stemming from fear of the unpredictability of our nature

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a control freak the moment I want a particular environment to remain ‘as is’ and be untouched/ undisturbed as this is what I have defined ‘security’ to be about: me being able to decide when to move something and how things must remain and look like as a form of external stability that I condition my own expression to.

 

I realize that this apparent stability is only a visual fix that I have become used to in order to create a sense of normalcy, constancy and consistency wherein the moment that something changes/ goes out of my control, I would react, which is implying that who I am as the mind has created a form of ‘environmental stability’ upon the apparent ‘unchangeable’ aspect of something/ someone, as that would represent such something/ someone would remain as a point of support for my apparent idea/ belief and perception of control upon others/ my environment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another’s words personal wherein I immediately would want to control their expression toward me, which implies that I am still reacting to words directly/ indirectly – thus

When and as I see myself reacting to another’s words indirectly or directly – I stop and I breathe – instead of trying to shove the reaction away by upgrading the sense of security and stability as the character of ‘control’ – I investigate why and how it is that I am reacting to such words in separation of myself, and walk the pertinent self forgiveness in order to ensure that who and what I am is in fact equal and one here, hearing/ reading words and in fact supporting me to identify any slightest reaction as a sly-test to see where I am and who I am within the expression of words.

 

I realize that Control as such is just an egotistical treat of the mind to stand as an apparent ‘dominant force’ that can only exist through instilling fear IF such control is not lived as an equal and one self-direction.

Thus I commit myself to live the word control as the equal and one self-direction that I see and realize I am able to live by/ as, standing as an example of how we are practically and physically able to give ourselves direction within the consideration of each other as equals, wherein no more relationship power games of inFEARiority and superiority are existent.

 

I commit myself to physically live the word control in a best for all way wherein we can all finally stop fearing the word control as the apparent imposition of power, as I see and realize that if such power exists as a form of imposed superiority upon something/ someone, it stems from fear and creates fear as a way to create a relationship of inequality and as such of disparity that we then believe is ‘real,’ which is not so in any way at all.

Within this, I assist and support myself and others to live the word control as an equal and one self direction wherein we ensure that we get to know in fact how to be HERE as the physical body, living a practical self-forgiveness alignment to the words we speak in relation to how we live them and that way, stopping fearing each other’s expression, stopping taking words personal and instead investigate them and integrate them to our personal-process self-support to ensure that who we are is in fact equal and one in all ways, which is the process we are walking at Desteni, to reveal to ourselves our own limitations stemming from fear within our own minds, which we are in the process of equalizing ourselves to through walking the Desteni I Process and the material available at Eqafe, which is the type of Psychology that no one has ever in the history of human civilization been able to explain to the T as the information through/ by the Desteni Portal is walking on a daily basis for over 6 years now.

 

An amazing step-by-step explanation of the Quantum Mind has been recently launched at Eqafe, and I suggest you do invest in these series to learn how to slow down ourselves as our mind to begin identifying the actual reason/ starting point of our every word, every deed, every movement that we have simply taken for granted within this accepted and allowed ‘experience’ that we have believed ourselves to be as the mind.

Time to take Self Responsibility for the damage we’ve done to ourselves within and as the possession of ourselves as a mind that thinks.

Consciousness is Not Physical

‘Consciousness is Not Physical’ – 2007

Anu’s lessons on Control:

 

 

Blogs:


102: Communication Noise: Parental Communication

Within looking at specific examples of how I would turn a moment of interaction/ communication with others, I can see how the positive and negative experiences that I have held toward people have been based upon whether the communication was suiting a particular preference/ ideal of a ‘good time’ or not.

The communication that goes on with our parents –or the lack thereof – defines one big chunk of our lives in relation to how we then perceive communication to be either a positive or a negative experience, which involves a set of factors that have to be clarified in order to see how much of our expression is actually tainted and conditioned by factors that go beyond a sheer compatibility aspect – but involve familial, economic, social and cultural standards that are shaped according to ‘how reality works’ within this world system.

 

A point I’ll be walking is a particular way of communicating with my father with whom I spent less time with throughout my life in terms of engaging in conversations and having only specific moments/ events as patterns that repeated throughout our interaction when I was living with them at home.

 

Thus, within exposing the factors behind our communication the point is to see how the way we define a person in our reality is based on the bonds that are formed with them according to, in this case, familial bonds wherein the financial aspect of support is/ was dependent on.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the communication with my father in the car as usual/ routinely and filled with complains, wherein I know that he will agree with me because of him being similar to myself which is how I have defined communication according to a format-like questionnaire based on survival-questions that lead to short answers that ensure we simply communicate ‘what’s necessary’ and avoid talking anything out of the usual: money, weather, traffic, work and school.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to react positively to his question about me getting enough money to live throughout the week, which is how and why I would keep the communication in ‘good stand’ as this will ensure that I can continue getting his support as in being a ‘good daughter’ that is able to have a cordial relationship with their parents.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively toward him ‘always asking the same questions’ wherein I am only wanting to have things ‘go my way’ in communication, while being annoyed because of having to explain myself and answering the same questions over and over again, apparently, which wasn’t really so as I was really only making a big deal out of it in my mind as unnecessary friction and conflict by sticking to the same pattern I would complain about, without realizing that I am in fact able and capable of stepping out of the usual script and establish a real point of communication with another, regardless of ‘who they are’ in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to initiate communication with my father based on experiencing a sense of tension and discomfort within myself, which is how I have compromised my communication toward others wherein I place them as certain characters that I depend on to survive and as such, I act according to how I have judged the characters as a ‘necessity’ in my reality – which is how I created my own barriers to ever communicate with my father/ parents based on an equal and one relationship, as I always saw them as the ‘authority’ that I had to respect and keep a ‘good standard’ toward, just like a credit account relationship: you keep your account in ‘good standing’ in order to be able to get more credit/ be trust worthy in order to continue surviving in our world and reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this point of compromise within myself which adds up to all the relationships in our world that are based on self-interest and in sustaining the same world-system wherein because of money and the relationships that are required in order to survive- in this case family-structure – we compromise each other to deceive and manipulate in order to continue being supported and ‘secured’ in a world wherein that which is required to live is not given unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get uncomfortable within remaining silent when being with another being in a car, which I have associated this with previous experiences wherein I would fear ending up in silence due to experiencing the same discomfort about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because we remained in silence I had to keep up a conversation out of fear of having ‘nothing to say’ and that I would be judged for having ‘nothing to say,’ which was only a belief and perception as I in fact am able to establish a point of communication openly once that I start seeing ‘my parent’s as human beings that are able to communicate out of the format-like bounds of father/ mother characterization.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgment because of wishing I could have done something out of the routine to tell to another in means of creating a point of conversation, which is essentially a point of compromise out of fear of being seemingly ‘detached’ from the family/ not caring about them and as such, losing my father’s support to live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music as a positive solution in ‘tense situations’ wherein my decision to enjoy it or not would be based on whether I was feeling compromised in the moment or not in a moment of communication that I perceive being staged and ‘format like’ from the get go.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base an entire moment in my reality based on whether I was liking a particular type of music in order to define ‘who I will be’ within the communication according to whether I wanted to be complacent/ talkative or not – within this I realize how I would place conditions as to ‘who I am’ according to my own interests and suiting the moment to benefit me at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ‘formal communication’ as politeness that I was ‘forced to’ instead of it being my actual decision to interact with visitors at home, wherein I would immediately react with discomfort when being called out to interact with others, without realizing that in fact it was fear of being later on scolded if I didn’t comply to my mother’s desires.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a grudge toward my mother for ‘having forced me to do things,’ without realizing that the moment that I accepted fear as a motivation to do so, I complied to her will and as such became a victim in my mind based on how I feared making my mother angry = losing my mother’s support at home.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the interaction with visitors as a negative experience based on my starting point for such interaction in the first place, wherein I went into a defense-mode just because of believing and perceiving that I was being ‘dragged’ into the communication without me in fact wanting and/ or being fully willing myself to interact with others unconditionally, but did it based on feeling obliged to, which is why and how I would create and project thoughts about others’ experience toward the point of communication with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative experience toward my mother whenever visitors would come home because of remembering how I was always forced to go downstairs and interact ‘against my will,’ without realizing that I simply complied to participate every time out of fear, out of not wanting to be scolded and/ or exposed in front of the visitors as this ‘ranch person’ that does not like communicating with others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then judge silence as a positive experience with my partners in the past based on the memory of how irritated and angry I would get when having to interact in ‘forced communication’ with others, without realizing that such enjoyment was a polarity experience to the past – hence it wasn’t never really a positive experience, but only a counter part to a negative experience I’ve had in the past with my family members.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having chosen partners that were deliberately the type of opposite ‘stereotypes’ from the people that I knew my mother wanted me to end up with in a relationship, which became a spiteful pattern that had to be played out in secret, just because of how my mother would disapprove from the partners I had, which was both a negative experience for having to be hiding – a positive experience based on how I would feel like I was finally ‘rebelling’ to the obliged experiences I went through with my mother, without realizing that I was then only acting and making decisions in spitefulness toward my mother and never in fact making an informed decision based on what is best for me to be and do within the consideration with whom it is best for me to establish a relationship with, without holding on the anti-stereotype of ideal partner in order to annoy my mother as I have realized how within wanting to spite my mother = I only ended up spiting myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately play ‘the silent one’ when being out with my mother just because of knowing how she would always push me to communicate with people and enjoys talking, generally, which was who I was within the ‘rebellious character’ that held a huge grudge toward her because of not having ‘approved’ of the relationships I created in my life. Thus I became the ‘rebel’ just to prove her that I could do things ‘my way’ without requiring her permission, only later on realizing that because my starting point of such relationships was based on spitefulness = I ended up spiting myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ‘positive experience’ whenever I was able to establish communication with my father in a silent manner, which means for example: being able to ride in the car listening to music that we both liked, which would ensure a positive silent experience without realizing that in such moment, I was only keeping things ‘okay’ in order for us to not go into further points of communication that could turn out more insidious in terms of actually getting to know each other and as such, lose the ground of the format like communication between father and daughter

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately control a particular moment of interaction with another based on ‘who they are’ within my world as the character they represent in my reality, wherein I will then adjust, manipulate, shape and mold my expression in a way to ensure that my survival is not threatened, as I knew that if I presented myself as detached or even sharing myself too openly, I would have to take responsibility for my words and the consequences thereof.

 


Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself deciding ‘who I will be’ in a point of communication according to who I perceive the other being to be as a particular character within my life/environment – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to practically establish a point of communication to any other being based on common sense: the realization that we are human beings that live in the same world, facing the same consequences of our creation and as such, I see that communication in common sense as self support is the key to establish a point of awareness within myself and another of an actual way to interact and share that which is usually suppressed under shallow talk.

 

I commit myself to be and become the example of how communication can be established without holding any ‘character’ in place, but instead, establish a platform of self support for myself and another being regardless of ‘who the being is’ as I realize that the moment that I assess ‘who’ they are, limitations, barriers and obstacles are created in the mind according to what I have deemed as appropriate/ inappropriate to share with others. I establish myself as the point of unconditional expression in order to support myself and others to do the same and as such, practically change the way we interact with one another.

 

When and as I see myself manipulating my communication in order to get a positive experience and/ or remain in a ‘good stand’ toward the other person, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to in fact step out of the point of compromise through allowing myself to share and communicate openly, without fearing losing any form of support, as I realize that only a threat toward another could cause any form of conflict – thus I realize that any fear that I had used in the past in order to not communicate with people in my family was only based on the ‘fear’ of ‘who I am’ toward them, which was manipulating, shaping and molding myself in order to not step out of character completely.

 

When and as I see myself deciding ‘who I am’ in a point of interaction with another based on wanting to be agreeable or distant in the moment to demonstrate my standing toward another being in that moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the times that I remain quiet as self-suppression means that I am in fact not genuinely having ‘nothing to say,’ but that I am deliberately suppressing myself because of fear of exposing myself, fear of establishing communication with another ‘out of the usual script,’ which is how I had bound myself to remain as a locked-door at all times, simply because of believing that my very life would be ‘at risk’ if I would enable me to be open and sharing in an equal manner toward other beings.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing tension when remaining silent during a conversation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is not real silence then, but self-suppressive silence that I can open up for myself in order to see how and why I have manipulated myself and within that realize that the point of correction is not to remain silent out of fear or deliberate self-suppression, but is instead direct myself to speak in the moment according to that which emerges in common sense from within me that I find it cool to share in/as self support.

 

When and as I see myself deliberately hiding to not face people in my environment in order to avoid communication, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have created such a resistance based on the idea, belief and perception that ‘I must interact with them,’ which is stemming from the memory of my mother asking me to do this when I was a child.

 

When and as I see myself feeling compelled to speak, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a usual mechanism of self-manipulation wherein I am in fact not being self directive as in making the decision to live, but I am in fact only wanting to restrict myself to a certain type of communication with another from the starting point of reaction.

 

When and as I see myself being forced/ dragged along to communicate – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a mechanism wherein I am only manipulating myself to interact with others based on the belief that ‘others made me do it,’ as if I had not the voice and ability to decide who I am going to be communicating with and clearing the starting point of it at all times.

 

When and as I see myself categorizing silence as a form of communication based on having suppressed an actual point of expression in fear of ‘getting out of character,’ I stop and I breath, I realize that the point of enjoyment of such silence stems from us actually playing out the same ‘silent character’ wherein we only talk the necessary and prefer to ‘be silent in our minds’ instead of sharing our self-experience, our day today living circumstances, as I realize that communication is the key to get to know ourselves and others in order to become effective within all that we do.

 

When and as I see myself imprinting a particular character to my communication, such as being the ‘daughter,’ or being the ‘rebellious’ one, I stop and I breathe – I realize that who we are as human beings are able to care for one another without having to play a character in someone’s mind in order to exist.

 

This is to realize how instead of having allowed myself to communicate myself unconditionally, I simply became pliable and manipulated myself in order to ensure that my survival – in this case financial support by my father – was not able to be disturbed/ damaged if I would establish a point of communication in equality, because of an underlying fear and limitation wherein I believed that I could not possibly communicate in equality with my father, because of having placed him as ‘my authority’ and as such, I had to tip toe around our communication, keeping it ‘safe’ in order to not create any ‘unnecessary’ friction or conflict, without realizing that in this I simply refrained myself from being able to establish a point of equality with my father which is in fact a possibility to establish once that I have directed myself to talk to both of them as equals, outside of the father/ mother relationship I had caged them into.

 

I realize how communication is limited and restricted by oneself whenever there are other interests and familial aspects existing as a character limitation that is defined according to how we have built our societal hierarchies between parents and children, wherein we bind ourselves to only see another person as a character in our own life-schemes instead of considering them as one and equal.

 

I see, realize and understand that we will be able to in fact communicate as equals when and as we realize that the family system only exists as another form of compromise and enslavement to keep a system of hierarchy in place – therefore within establishing beings in an equal and one stance toward one another, we see that we are in fact able to become much more than just characters surviving each other in the old-familiar ways and instead, get to know ourselves as who we really are, as beings that are able to instead practically establish solutions for our accepted and allowed ‘differences’ and as such, become part of the new way of living on Earth.

 

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94. In-Sin–Irate: Anger Issues

Have we stopped ourselves to consider in what way we gnaw and eat up our very physical body the moment that we participate in anger or any other emotion/ feeling experience? If we were really aware of ourselves as our human physical body, we would be aware of how the very thoughts we have consume our physicality in order to create such emotion or feeling in any given moment – we never dare to question how such ENERGETIC experiences are created, while even the name is indicating obviously: something must be consumed in order to fuel such experiences. Yet, we never looked into ourselves and only decided to accept and allowed energetic experiences as ‘who we are’ – because: ‘oh I am this that I experience in my body, I must act on it’ – and never ever questioning or even being able to fully see and realize what we are participating in the moment that we react in one single split of a second toward another in an emotion or feeling. One single shift from being here as breath and we can know: we’re mind possessed.

 

Anger

incinerate
n verb destroy (something, especially waste material) by burning

Yesterday I went out for my walk earlier than usual due to the storms that have been going on here. When I was already on my way back, I first saw this young male walking with a seemingly desperate and rather ‘uncontrollable’ dog – and I saw he had a wooden stick with him – a thick branch to be precise – and I immediately reacted to that within the realization that he would hit the dog with it, but I could not pull out the usual burning anger that I would experience before, it was just like paralyzing inside myself  in the moment and I simply started following them based on thoughts like ‘this is unacceptable/ I must do something about this/ what can I possibly do?’ I walked a bit quicker in order to be right behind him, then I saw that other three males – same age – were handling one dog each with the same behavioral characteristics: angry dogs barking at all dogs in the neighborhood, being seemingly uncontrollable – each one of the males had a similar thick branch on the other hand – I could not compute in that moment because I was only ‘making up my mind’ trying to figure out why the first dog I had seen seemed so uncontrollable and angry, having to be hit that way to behave.

 

I started deliberately walking right behind the four of them, I went into a point of possession wherein I wanted to pull out the anger that would usually drive me in the past to go and shout or even wanting to hit them – but I couldn’t. I ‘felt powerless’ but not in an emotional way, like actually having no ability to ‘pull out the anger’ I was used to experiencing in such moments/ events. I realized that it was not appropriate to go and shout at them because they were 4 males, with 4 angry dogs, with 4 thick branches and I was alone.

 

In a way within my mind, yet it didn’t even seem like thinking, I wanted to curse them to death – and I couldn’t. I could not even pull out some hatred. It was fascinating to see this unfolding, like slow camera movement where Marlen would want to just beat them to death in my mind with words or even pictures, and I couldn’t. Anyways, so as I approached them through walking behind them, I could just utter the following words in the moment – ‘Is this why you have your dog for? To hit him?’ – And obviously the young man didn’t bother at all, I was not grasping the whole picture in that moment  – and as I walked right behind the four of them I approached the second one and told him ‘Is this what you have your dog for? TO hit him? – and I managed to pull out some other words – ‘Would you want to be hit the same way you do onto him?’ and he just didn’t reply, he only made a gesture of ‘I couldn’t care less/ maybe I’d like to’ – So, there was no answer obviously. I realized it was pointless to continue doing anything about it.

 

Then I realized what they actually were as the whole picture: people that train dogs for dog fights – hence the attitude of the dogs and the males with the wooden sticks with them. It is their “job.”

 

The point here is that I wanted to be as angry as I could, I was wanting to just burst out in absolute anger toward them in that moment, and I couldn’t – and this strangely so felt like I was powerless = not moving by energy inside – however it was more of a concrete experience inside me that I could not even direct some ‘angry thoughts’ toward them.  I followed them until the corner where they went straight ahead, and I just stood there on the corner watching them and all I could think of is breathe – breathe – breathe – breathe – and so I did. After a couple of minutes of just deliberately standing there to see where they would go up to, I realized that there was no point in continuing that, so I turned to the right and followed my way back home.

 

In the past – and I’m talking about 4 years ago when I started becoming aware of the abuse in this world – I witnessed similar events and I remember becoming like a tornado inside me, filled with rage that I used as a fuel to approach the man that was dragging the dog on the street – I told this story in a video minute 3:49 – and I would react in boiling anger, ready to just torture another with my anger there, ready to shout and scream – and this time, I could not do that, even though a part of me wanted to. Another point is that I kept myself  grounded wherein, even in the moment that I approached the two males that I managed to talk to them,  I was just like a rock not really speaking in an  irate manner, even though I wanted to.

 

This is to reveal how out of habit, I would have wanted to make an entire drama out of the situation, shouting or getting myself ‘into trouble’ just for the sake of ‘making them see’ – but as I saw their reactions when I asked them the questions, I knew that I had to stop and not go any further.

 

So, the word that came up is ‘incinerate’ which sounds like in-sin-irate and how I had a moment there wherein I actually ‘wanted’ to be angry, me as the mind wanted to just bring up anger and lash out onto them and I couldn’t. Which is irrational because I knew beforehand ‘not to react’ but again looking at the event happening in front of me is more of a trigger point to face self-honesty to.

 

I was talking about this type of situations two days ago, and I myself had suggested not to intervene in such moments of witnessing abuse onto others – children, animals – as we do not know how they would react – and I was seeing with my eyes how it was 4 males, 4 dogs, wooden sticks – I really went too far to even approach them. So, to explain the point: ‘I ‘felt’ like I had to go and speak up to them however I felt like in an entire possession in that moment when I drove myself to speak to them. It was not directed by some churning inside me as in the past, but I did speak up to them.

 

I have explained before how I would deal with extensive anger toward everything and everyone – and I’ve certainly ‘slowed down’ in that, to the point wherein I cannot describe if what I did experience yesterday was anger, because I didn’t ‘feel it’ as the usual energetic experience – however, the realization here is:

 

- I cannot place myself in such situations of absolute risk just to let people know what they already know they are doing in the moment – even more so when seeing the whole picture and the reason behind such actions: dog fights = money/ business/ males getting paid to take care of the dogs = they won’t stop doing it as it is their job

 

- My reaction was based on thinking – meaning that I assessed the situation according to what I thought was ‘right’ to do in the moment, even if I was expecting myself to suddenly get absolutely and extremely angry, I couldn’t – which was a point of being grounded to realize that I could not possibly take the point further than approaching them with simple questions.

 

- I also directed myself to realize in that moment that If I witnessed the entire abuse that goes on in the world, I would have incinerated myself due to/ because of reacting to it all – we cannot possibly ‘make a change’ to a chain of events and situations wherein money is being the driving point, wherein the consideration of animals as ‘less than humans’ is a culturally ingrained fuckup for ages in humanity – I cannot stop what is currently being experienced by billions – I can only stop myself.

 

- I realize that in situations like that on the street, I had reacted in extreme anger wherein the usual desire is to just shout and flip the finger to them, as if that could ‘offend them’ or take them to a realization, without seeing that their actions are in essence already proof of what they are willing to do because of money, and how I have no context in any way whatsoever within the entire situation – but only wanting to react based on the obvious point of abuse, which is a constant point in our entire reality. Thus I see that I partake obviously in such point of abuse by simply accepting and allowing myself to exist within the current world that we are in the way it is, and not doing a thing about it – until now that we are beginning to STOP ourselves from being the very perpetuators of the same fighting/ battling eternal separation system that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become.

 

- I realize that I cannot expose myself that way, meaning – I walk alone, I am alone and I cannot possibly confront others that are clearly more, with ‘tools’ that could be harmful as well as the dogs themselves that seemed angry as hell. This is what we have become, using dogs to fight to satisfy some human being’s desire to see dogs attacking each other to fuel some mind mechanism that is pleasured when seeing wrestling, fighting – thus who I am within it all? Seeing where and how I am fighting myself, or wanting to fight others in the name of ‘doing something right,’ without taking into consideration the actual chain of events and consequences that could ensue from this point of ‘following my mind’ in such moments.

 

- I also realized that I had been blind when I watched the movie ‘Amores Perros’ which depicts that dog-fight business here in Mexico City, I somehow managed to just ‘numb it out’ as part of some ‘movie’ as if it was not real or in some alternate reality. I see how I would see movies without taking into consideration that such events DO take place, do happen and are as real as seeing those dogs ‘going out for a walk’ and having to be hit in order to behave, due to how they have been trained by the sick twisted human mind that solaces is seeing fights and dare to even gamble upon winners. This I fuel and exist as every time I seek to win and ‘win’ something, get a positive kick out of anything that I can witness and consequently experience as an energetic movement within me.

 

Fighting

I fought myself in that moment: from wanting to react and another ‘part’ of me – the real me – remaining just like a rock, I experienced like this cement inside me where I could not even think – it’s like when you are in the bottom of a pool and  you know that you could drown yet, you cannot possibly just move up to reach for air. I am describing what I experienced in that moment which I have also experienced as a child in terms of realizing I am drowning but not being able to move – so, the experience was not the usual ‘angry mode’ but instead it maybe was petrification – yet at the same time it didn’t feel like anything.

I also realize that if I had gone out at the same time I usually do, I would not have witnessed that, which means that it doesn’t matter if I’m present or not: those dogs exist, people that train them to fight exist, they will continue whether I witness that or not – I realize that any reaction is in fact stemming from my inherent desire – that certainly has mellowed down – to point out the abuse to others, instead of even realizing how the abuse is first onto me because of having the actual desire to be angry, to ‘burst up in flames’ – which is how I see that the word incinerate makes sense: I had not ever considered the ‘who I am’ in anger, and I had never considered the detrimental effects of such energetic experience of anger on my body.

 

I have written about the memory of me as a child becoming extremely angry, to the point where I feel my entire body just having like a ‘chill’ from how much I would put myself in such anger trance, and that’s when my parents would offend me ‘You are fucking crazy!’ and just leaving me in the room,  fueling that anger even more because of them judging to what extent I would lead a single point of anger into an actual anger possession. Hearing them cursing at me for fueling my anger made me even more angry.

 

And I remember the stories my mother would say about my father, picking up fights with people just because of going past a red light or something – he used to carry these sticks on the car ‘just in case’ something would happen – I took it as normal, and they always wanted me to carry some thick cable that I could hit someone with in case they wanted to do something onto me. I always refused.

 

 

Stepping out of the anger possession

Whenever I would go out of the possession when I was a child, after spending  a long time crying and fueling that experience of anger wherein the totality of my body would go into a paralysis almost, even just now as I write it I can experience the same thing, the tickling as pins and needles on my left arm. Even as  a child, I would fear dying in such moments – my mother would say to me that my entire face could be paralyzed if I continued boiling up with such anger – and so I would fear dying, I would fear ending up with a ‘dry half face’ because of anger – and that’s when I would slow down and just cry not even because of whatever reason I have had to get angry in the first place, but because of becoming aware of how my body had suffered in that moment of anger possession. I would brace myself and feel sad/ sorry and even worse for what I had put myself through.

 

It was just like vomiting. When I was a child and I was sick and had to puke, I would keep my eyes open and cry throughout the whole thing – I would then notice that the pores of my cheeks had burst, I would feel so bad for having damaged my body that way that I always feared having to puke again. One of the reasons why I stopped drinking was when puking was ‘the way to stop the drunkenness’ and me becoming absolutely disgusted of myself for having to do that. The ‘peak point’ was when I had to puke and I cannot even remember where I did it/ or don’t want to remember. I stopped, I could not take myself any further than that – besides waking up with bumps on my head and other undisclosed bruises.

 

Self abuse – no different to becoming angry – same experience, same pain felt after the energetic possession: the body took it all and, have I ever asked forgiveness for my body for such things? No.

 

I one way I am ‘glad’ I was able to stop myself most of the times before going into absolute rage, however seeing this potential in me – which is linked to thoughts related to killing/ hitting/ deliberately harming others that I see are ‘abusing’ was never realized as me following the threat of abuse even in my own mind. I guess that’s why and how I would ‘resonate’ with a clockwork orange in a way, and the entire experience that I had yesterday I later on assessed as the similar experience that Alex had when he cold no longer be violent against others – he would get sick, I just got absolutely ‘blank’ with no ability to do anything else than that.

 

I had taken for granted these surges of anger as a child, I remember them very well yet when I was pointed out that I had a lot of anger I went into a ‘what? no way!’ denial state, without daring to look inside myself and find the real evil justified by ‘seeing evil’ in others’ which became – as I have mentioned before as well – a thinking pattern of ‘humanity is evil’ and as such, shaping, molding my entire beingness to be in a ‘military’ way, like a soldier that is ready to combat any point of attack. And this is precisely being explained in Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, specifically the link I’ll leave below, and so I have just written out the whole point with several links to the past  up until the experience at the moment.

 

One single event can become the mirror we have not dared to look ourselves into, because we knew before hand we do not want to see what is reflected on it, yet it is ourselves.

 

The physical consequences after this was pain on my left foot  because of how I had a struggle with ‘my expression’ and the physical point of it in the moment – my mind wanting to go bezerk and the other me here stability pulling myself like cement on the ground. The trick is to keep breathing at all times. Looking back at the entire situation, It was ‘cool’ to face the point from the perspective of being able to face such ingrained inner-experiences with regards to anger. However, it is plain obvious that the cause of the anger won’t be solved in one go: Animals being abused by humans is the most despicable thing that we can do along any other moment wherein we abuse ourselves in the name of reacting to such abuse as well.

 

I will continue tomorrow with the Self Forgiveness points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, petrified at the abuse of this world without realizing that participating in anger only supports my own gnawing as physical flesh and that in no way does it support LIFE

 

“Animals are driven to extinction as they DO NOT feature in the Consciousness of Humans as Equals as Life-Forms”  – Bernard Poolman *

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88. The Victim

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a victim of my own deeds, wherein I would suit the memory to my advantage so that I could remain in anger toward my parents for something that they had ‘apparently done onto me,’ – such as forgetting about me and me getting lost – without wanting to hear the fact that I had been the one that wanted to step out of the cart and drive it by myself.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life find ways to ensure that I could remain as the victim of a situation/ event wherein I could then have people having to ‘ask forgiveness’ to me, and me being the ‘offended one,’ as that would give me a sensation/ feeling and idea of power over them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use all means possible to convince my parents that ‘I can do this on my own’ and have various memories of how I would essentially get pissed off when they would do things for me and would not allow me to do it by myself, just because of how I wanted to ‘do things by myself, ‘ from the starting point of opposing my parents and creating any form of friction in the moment by just demanding them to leave ‘the thing alone’ and allow me to do it by myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘threaten’ with throwing a tantrum toward my parents so that they could allow me to do things that I noticed other kids were not doing, and in this wanting to be ‘special’ such as being a kid that enjoys pushing the cart instead of being inside the cart.

 

And it’s funny because a memory came up when I was in SA and we had the trolleys from the supermarket and I was pushing one and B said something like you look good pushing the trolley, lol which I associated in that moment with a sense of ‘independence’ and like ‘I’m on the wheel,’ which is fascinating that I only now get it – after such a long time, I had this memory so ingrained within me as the symbol of my ‘victory over parents’ = me pushing the trolley, which I activated as a sense of liberty/ freedom and superiority without even knowing how or why. Thus, it was not a random point but a single experience that I was having in that moment that I was pushing the trolley without even noticing as a character.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of ‘pushing a trolley’ to ‘doing my will’ and being ‘free’ and ‘liberated’ from the parents that would always put me into the trolley and drive me around to wherever they wanted me to go with them, within this manifesting the entire experience of: I don’t want to be driven by my parents, I don’t want to comply to what they say, I want to do things ‘my way.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of self-righteousness toward my parents, wherein I began doing everything to the opposite of what I knew they wanted me to be and do. This includes, for example, forcing myself to go to school when I was sick, just because my mother would insist that I shouldn’t go – and within this believe that I in fact didn’t want to miss a single day in school, but the fact is that I wanted to simply prove myself to her as wanting to do everything opposite to what she would suggest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the character that would deliberately cause friction in another for the sake of feeling good about myself, just because of how I would experience the relationship with my mother as that of ultimate control and imposition, which I essentially rebelled to throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the victimization of ‘why didn’t you tell me’ when I got lost in that amusement park and get angry at my parents because ‘they were supposed to take care of me’ – and in that, believing that ‘they didn’t want me because they had allowed me to get lost,’ which is how I began building the ‘They don’t like me in my family’ syndrome, which I then embodied fully as ‘the alien’ at home, the black sheep, without realizing what series of events were affecting my every move and decision based on memories toward my mother/ parents in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of spitefulness toward my parents the moment that they found me after being lost, wherein I accessed anger because of thinking and believing that it had been ‘their fault’ that I had gotten lost – however, the actual reality is that I had decided to do it by myself and I cannot even remember if I did it on purpose when realizing that they had forgotten about me, which sounds ‘familiar’ as to how I would then deliberately go to the extreme of something just out of spitefulness, without ever really wanting to hear and realize that: I had done it all by myself, by my ‘own will’ to do things ‘my way,’ based on throwing tantrums, which means that my entire interaction was base on opposition toward ‘the authority’ as parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ charged with rage and absolute spitefulness and anger based on this event wherein I had believed that my parents – and subsequently every time that I would not be let known of some event/ point and missing out – believe that I was being deliberately ‘not invited/ excluded,’ which I associated then to being simply rejected/ uninvited/ excluded and within that, think/ believe/ perceive that there was something ‘wrong’ with me and talking myself into thoughts like ‘my parents don’t love and no one likes me’ as a form of self-victimization, which I use to then create an entire personality that could ‘overcome’ this initial experience toward my parents and sisters, as to ‘prove’ that ‘I don’t need to belong/ I don’t need your appreciation,’ when in fact I was actually really desiring to ‘belong’ and be a part of the entire usual family scheme – which is how self-victimization becomes a key point to build ourselves as the ‘antagonist’ at home, based on self-beliefs and ideas of ‘how others see us,’ which is and has Never been about ‘them’ but about ourselves at all times

 

I realize that everything that I did and all the choices I apparently conducted was based within this starting point of wanting to oppose that which I perceived as ‘authority’ which was – as primary point – my mother, and in that building an entire relationship of opposition toward her particular personality, so that I could ensure that ‘I was not controlled by her,’ as I thought my sisters were.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger toward my father based on how he would usually be the ‘angry one,’ and when finding an opportunity for him to be in the position of ‘having fucked things up,’ I would use his stance of shame, regret and remorse in order to fuel my anger, to throw a tantrum and deliberately wanting to make him feel even worse than what I could spot he’d be experiencing in that moment when apologizing for something he had done.

 

Within this, I realize how I would use this same application whenever someone would be in the position of ‘having done something onto me’ and showing the same signs such as asking forgiveness, feeling ashamed, remorseful toward me wherein I would use such situation to blow things out of proportion just because of knowing that every word movement would make them feel even worse, and within me seeing them getting affected by the words that I could use to recriminate the point even further, I would get a sense of power as a revenge to a previously perceived relationship of ‘power’ of the other toward me. Thus, utilizing conflict as a way to ‘take revenge’ from the past times wherein I felt like the one that had to apologize, ask for forgiveness for having done something wrong and as such, develop power games with my father as a way to feel like ‘I had the right to be pissed off at him,’ later on copying this mechanism to relationships wherein I would also deliberately want the other to ‘feel like shit for what they’ve done,’ and knowing that they would then have to ‘make it up for me,’ in one way or another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, deliberately instigate further shame, guilt and remorse in another in a situation wherein it is believed that ‘they have done something onto me,’ wherein I then feel with the ‘absolute right to throw tantrums at them’ as a way to complain about ‘being wronged,’ without realizing that all that I was doing is experiencing a sense of pleasure and satisfaction from scolding and yelling at someone, seeing them having no ability to defend themselves – which is a rather sadomasochistic mechanism of relating to others as then this would lead to point of reconciliation and in that, become and actual way to build up anger, irritation and then have a reconciliation in ways wherein all the accumulated negative energy as anger, irritation, frustration would be ‘soothed out’ either through something sweet & buying something by my father – and within sex in relationships with human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to realize what I was doing when ‘putting more wood on the fire’ when I was confronting another in a situation wherein I apparently ‘had the right’ to point out ‘their shit’ – whether I was the ‘wronged one’ or not – just because of enjoying them to feel like shit, secretly enjoying seeing them realizing that they had done something wrong/ that they had fucked it all up, so that I could then remain in a stance of being apparently this immaculate benevolent being that is always doing everything ‘right’ and they were the only ones that could fuck it up. Never really wanting to accept how I would use this to further keep them bound by my side, as to being the ‘benevolent being’ that is willing to ‘forgive them’ and keep by their side, without realizing that I knew to what extent I would use this as a mechanism for my own positive experience as the power I had to make others feel bad and remorseful, ashamed and guilty for something they had said and done.

 

Within this, becoming like a mother that is able to point out the shit onto the son and as such, bind myself to relationships wherein I would become like the nagging mother that would point out shit in another, scold them and as such feel like I had the ‘control’ of the situation, without realizing that all of this would come from an actual experience of inferiority toward others, toward ‘them’ in the relationship, which is how we as women have taken the ‘superiority’ position not from an actual realization of equality and oneness with males, but as an outflow of having been the ‘oppressed ones’ throughout history.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn deceptive ways to get what I wanted as in being polite and well-mannered instead of throwing tantrums as ‘the way’ to get what I wanted. This proves that even if I didn’t precisely cry to get what I wanted, I learned the ‘adult ways’ of doing so, which is asking for it in a persuasive manner in a way that I could ensure I can ‘touch my parents hearts’ using the tactic of: If I don’t get it , I’ll be very sad/ If I don’t got and study this, I will regret it for the rest of my life / there is nothing else that I want the most in my life’ which I knew that would ‘move them’ sufficiently to consider that if they simply would say ‘no’ = guilt and remorse would haunt them, thus they would comply as a way to also remunerate me/ as a reward for the ‘who I was’ in school.

 

Thus I see and realize that I learned to play the system’s way of getting what I wanted by pleasing parents/ teachers / the system and as such, only living to satisfy my needs and desires without really taking into consideration reality, because I simply accepted this to be ‘my life,’ living to get things, to achieve, to obtain something that I could call ‘my own’ as my point of satisfaction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make it a habit to ask my parents ‘where had they gone to?’ and if I could find a way to make them feel sorry for not having let me know, they would usually give something to me in order to make it as if they had bought for me, which is what I defined as the ‘consolation prize,’ as a way to through instilling the sense of victimization toward a certain event in my world with my parents, they would usually comply to buy something to me in exchange to me going somewhere and usually complying to these type of transactions wherein there was no unconditional self-movement, but it was all based on wanting to ‘soothe’ my inner experience or ‘make up for’ something in separation of myself.

 

I realize that whenever I was showing a ‘depressed state’ toward my parents/ family, I was in fact only seeking to get ‘something’ in exchange to make myself feel better, which is how I did use depression as a way to manipulate people in my environment, to take me out, to give me money to buy things that I could use to ‘make me happy’ for a fleeting moment and that was it, which is how depression came to be/ become another way of a ‘silent tantrum,’ wherein I would deliberately show myself as being ‘depressed’ so that I could get more books, more cd’s and more stuff that I used to reinforce the same pattern again and again.

 

I realize that the ‘Victim’ is a way to remain triumphant in my mind in relation to how I would use this character to get what  I wanted – the Victory I am base on a deliberate self-diminishment that could be spotted by others to then ‘give us a hand’ as a form of self manipulation which is unacceptable.

 

So, this is a point that I see is prominent within the ‘who we are’ as ‘adults’ and as we come of age wherein we believe that we are, for example, depressive – when it is in fact just another way to yell out ‘help me!’ in a silent manner – or how we use the parent/ child relationship to only satisfy our desires which are usually linked to buying/ consuming something as a positive experience obtained from a negative input. Nothing else but energetic games that must be stopped within ourselves – one by one – as these seemingly ‘unimportant’ events have defined who and what we are in such specificity that we cannot even remember why we are in such a way, when all the keys are still here as ourselves, as these are survival mechanisms of the mind itself to ensure that we would remain busy/occupied evolving our characters and personalities, and as such never even have the least consideration to start looking at this world and reality beyond our character eyes.

To be continued…

 

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Life Review – The Victim of Judgment

Catharsis

This is a word that I came across with through Sunette whose post I’ll place at the end of this entry for the sake of realizing how it is that we have created all forms of nice words to justify our own mindfucks – literally.

The point here is how this word has become part of the ‘basic formation’ within the study of arts/human expression and their psyche wherein traditional knowledge that goes as far as the Greek tradition is brought ‘here’ to teach people how it is that those that are ‘creators’ as ‘artists’ have this particular quirk, hoisted almost as this ‘special gift’ of being able to  ‘release themselves’ through the exacerbation of human emotions/feelings directed through certain form of performance/expression. This goes as far as the times of Aristotle who explained catharsis in his poetic as a process of ‘purification’ in an almost ‘spiritual’ way, the human purging itself through the expression of such emotions in an apparent ‘detached’ manner which is mostly allowed within theatrical representation in what was originally tragedy. That book is one of the basic ‘pillars’ that you get to read when being involved in some artistic study which I got to prove in two different careers.

The point here is how I ‘resonated’ with this single explanation as the key to justify my own identification with all the emotions and feelings I experienced as well as the continuation of them wherein I literally used this term to justify my experiences as a catalyzer to my ‘expression’. I got to read this book when I first went into studying literature  and since then it became ‘the banner’ I’d take to justify my decision to leave such career and get myself into arts, because ‘I had a lot to express’ rather than dissecting books in a ‘scientific method’. I remember the teachers in literature being very passionate on describing how wonderful human emotions are – there is a LOT of brainwashing going on in such acceptance of emotions as part of ‘human nature’ and any form of considered ‘art’.

So, this is how we go passing on from generation after generation the same bullshit that has been experienced as humanity within the safe tags of it being ‘knowledge’/tradition and ‘education’ wherein any person that gets themselves into an artistic career encounters this word and ‘feels comprehended’ as in ‘having found the place to be in’ because that’s how I experienced myself without EVER pondering at all that such emotions and feelings weren’t actually ‘me’ or ‘real’ for that matter. I t is only now that we know they are energy-generated self-accepted thoughts that generate experiences that I accepted as ‘who I am’, while living in a constant shifty-mode of ups and downs and literally being subject to my emotions and relationships formed around that, while attempting to ‘make a career out of it’ –once again believing that this could ‘make sense’ at the end of it all and that there was a ‘place for me in this world’, wherein the ‘incomprehensible me’ could finally express and be ‘understood’ through being an emotional and sensitive person whose life-purpose was to ‘create art’.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the self-created experience named and accepted as ‘catharsis’ as the deliberate acts of exacerbating my emotions and feelings for the sake of believing I was ‘expressing myself’ as who I really am and ‘purging myself out’ through directing such outbursts and experiences in what I could deem as ‘artistic expression’, without having ever considered or even questioned the ‘nature’ of such experiences and how I had been the creator of them all throughout my life, never considering that such ‘tormented way’ of existing was in fact self-generated for the sake of making of my life ‘something’, some type of ‘experience’ to not feel ‘empty’ – within this accepting and allowing myself to build myself as a character that would be a prey of emotions and feelings and utilize excuses such as ‘catharsis’ to immerse myself in the depths of my own mind only to come up with anything out and manifest it as ‘part of who I am’ and ‘the need to express’ as ‘works of art’.

The only expression that I truly am exists here as breathe – in-out, one-two – and the rest is just my own mental creation really of which we I realize now I’ve got to take self responsibility for.

We have the ability to now decide and direct ourselves to stand as actual creators that don’t have to motivate themselves to do anything for the sake of ‘purging ourselves’, but instead realize that any build up of emotions and feelings can be self forgiven and within that, we enable us to have a blank page to walk upon each day, without having to check upon our mood-meter to see if we’re up for ‘creating’ or moving and working on something.

From Sunette’s writings:

“Studying, and came across the word: catharsis – “the purging of the emotions or relieving of the emotional tensions esp. through certain kinds of art as tragedy or music.”
http://dictionary.reference.co​m/browse/catharsis

One do not need/require music/art to purge/release/relieve self from/of accumulated / built-up energy that one manifested through/as time, breath by breath as self accepted and allowed self to participate in/as thoughts/memories of/as mind, as all the issues that self has not directed/resolved/solved within/as self.”

I met someone that I later shared with how I was walking this process through Desteni and Self Forgiveness and Writing ourselves to freedom. He insisted that his theatrical-class would have similar effects to what I had shared as the changing of me through stopping my emotions  and that he could experience a ‘release’ the moment of ‘becoming another’ and exerting all the anger and built up of emotions through such fictional character – yet played and lived-out by him. This is an example of  the infamous ‘Catharsis’ and how this man didn’t actually take on further the initiative to investigate HOW such emotional build up had been self-created throughout his life wherein he’d gotten himself to the point of ‘losing himself’ only to find then a ‘way’ to let all of his emotional body out through playing out a character on stage without taking the necessary steps to investigate how such anger and such charge of emotional rubbish was existent within him = in essence taking the tangent way out instead of daring to face himself as his own creation and take self responsibility for it. YET the point is justified within the ‘artistic world’ and even applauded as ‘great performance’ when the actual reality of such ‘human nature’ is not investigated and only ‘accepted’ as part of ‘who we are’; it’s ludicrous how such ‘tormented self experience’ is broadly accepted as part of the individuals that define themselves as ‘artists’. I stopped defining myself as such, I am a human being in the process of becoming a living-physical being, no more identification with any social-role that is defined and confined to be a bundle of emotions. And this is certainly broadly accepted by everyone within such artistic-worlds.

‘It’s always been this way, this is how we are, we are only humans’ – these are some of the usual sayings that justify  the fact that the human being is prey of his own feelings and emotions. I’ve heard people saying that they can only ‘create’ when they’re in a certain mood and how they can justify their inaction due to going through some ‘emotional release/conflict/whatever’ – and this IS then seen as ‘acceptable’! because of having the ‘credential’ of ‘being an artist’ and thus living out the stereotype of tormented sensitive character of existence that can have major uplifts and catastrophic down-hills that people then ‘applaud’ as the “creations” stemming from such liberation/purging are then praised as masterpieces.

Now, all of this I’m able to say in such detail because I’ve walked the point, I’ve believed this myself before, I’ve used it in public as a way to ‘justify what I do’. I used this point of knowledge as vantage point to justify myself as ‘my personality’, my mood, my feelings, my emotions, my attachment to constantly ‘been experiencing something’ and within this, man, the ‘artist’ tag really sucks. Everyone is a literal self-centered ego-maniac that believes that ‘to make real art, we have to suffer’ – that was me and thus the rest of my story in the previous blog which I suggest you read if you haven’t just for the sake of getting the scoop on how we live-out a point of justification within this world, a word that is ‘convenient’ for someone like an ‘artist’ to exist-as regardless of ever questioning HOW the fuck it is all self.created anyways. I can only be glad that I stopped myself before going deeper into the rabbit hole of this ‘emotional-driven creation’ justification.

“Only releasing/relieving/purging self from/of such emotions/feelings is not a long-term/eternal solution that’ll bring change within self and self’s world, because the cause/source/origin of what manifested/created the reactions in the first place hasn’t been identified and so, if one only accept/allow self to purge/release/relieve the energy, self will walk into a time-loop and recreate the same conditions and even worse, because the same unresolved issues/problems within self will layer and layer and layer and eventually manifest self into a possessive-state and take-out self’s unresolved issues onto/towards others or one’s world as the manifested-consequence for not facing what self is accepting and allowing to hide/suppress/ignore within/as self.

Assist/support self with self forgiveness together-with self-corrective application, become the catharsis within/as one’s own world/living – through taking responsibility for one’s internal issues/problems and reactions by releasing self from the energy-reactions and at the same time, through writing – establish effective, directive solutions for the issues/problems self face within self and self’s world and accordingly change one’s living/behaviour to that of solutions; rather than hiding/mulling within the problems within self and self’s world making one’s life unnecessarily more difficult than it’s required to be.

In this, self assist/support self to identify the issue/problem – stop the energy-reactions, find and establish a solution and so make a change within self and self’s world where self will no more accept/allow the same issues/problems to accumulate / manifest and in this process, actually expand self within ‘who self is and how/what self live’.
Be/become a being of change/transformation and expansion – join us in the process of writing, self forgiveness and self-corrective action.” – Sunette Spies

So after reading this self-support point, here redefining Catharsis as the actual lived process of purging myself of any feeling and or emotion as the participation of myself in my mind that I have justified as ‘necessary for creation’ / to create/ to be creative and within that, ensure that anytime that I express myself is here as myself as breath of life without existing in any emotional charge that I then go ‘praising’ as part of my ‘sensitive side of being a human being that feels’ and stops for the sake of seeing things for what they are and thus, direct myself according to stopping such self-created experiences. I see and realize that I’ve lived up to the expectation of a preprogrammed word that in essence holds irresponsibility and negligence towards any self created experience as feelings/emotions.

I stop the accepted and allowed existence and knowledge-point from such word  being lived out/ experienced and/or justified as myself as part of ‘who I am’ within any point of expression and instead, commit myself to  face me and realize that only an ego requires justification to do something, only an ego requires validation and further confirmation of being an experience created in the mind and being cheered for that.

So, quite easy to live in a simplistic way once that such constant requirement to ‘be experiencing something to create’ is stopped. Then we don’t go seeking for ‘inspiration’ or any other life experience to then have something to speak about. We rather get real and express ourselves as what we’ve become, that’s kind of like written educational cautionary tales that can support many to realize what we’ve realized through our life experience.Instead we live out the correction to actually LIVE as being here breathing, physically, directing ourselves, stopping any mind experience and within this existing as actual self-expression that can be equated to breathing as what’s supportive of a life-process.

 

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