636. #EqafeDiscovery: Frustration and ‘Being On Time’

I was listening to the Eqafe recordings on Frustration Overwhelmed by Frustration (Part 1) – Life Review and Overwhelmed by Frustration (Part 2) – Life Review where I could relate to the people sharing about this kind of experience which I can see in my life is something that I did acquire from my father based on how he would get anxious and exasperated whenever having to wait for my mother and my sisters to get out of the house ‘on time’ to get somewhere. It usually was a source of outbursts, at least temporarily that would be a ‘by default’ setting when we would all go out somewhere and even more so when traveling. I also decided back then to align more with my father’s way of perceiving punctuality to be a virtue, a ‘correct way’ in which life is lived and so, I can see how I have copy+pasted his anger, frustration, irritation, annoyance and exasperation whenever anything doesn’t happen as expected or one is late or something like that, it is just as if ‘all hell breaks loose.’

I noticed this form of control in me where I want to impose onto others that which I see is best, makes sense or is ‘expected’ to be done as a point of self-responsibility when it comes to ‘being on time’ somewhere, and if this is not the case and they don’t show up at the time they expected or don’t show up at all, it creates a bothering experience in me as if they were somehow ‘degrading’ themselves based on having agreed to be at certain meetings or events ‘on time.’

In the audio they explain how even if one may be able to see similar traits from our parents and have ‘lived them out’ as a form of hereditary character, it doesn’t mean that it should define ‘who we are’ entirely. And I agree and I’ve been paying more attention to this based on the traits that I see in both of my parents, and as I’ve been sharing, part of the ‘slowing down’ for me is also to let go of all kinds of control forms that emerge in similar ways to that which I would see my father would play out.

Here the relevant point for me to become aware of is to not have this ‘hereditary’ or ‘genetic trait’ as some kind of excuse to not change it in me, because I’ve seen how it affects my own well being and ‘who I am’ in a moment whenever I give into this kind of irritation, frustration, exasperation and annoyance when it comes to being on time or having things go ‘the way I expected.’ And as with everything, that ‘chain’ of traits needs to be stopped within me.

The Eqafe recordings are a conversation with someone that also learned certain traits from his father and how that is also affecting his own relationship with his children. In my case, this spills out in virtually any aspect where I kind of naturally place myself in a position of direction or leadership, the point is that it even happens in situations where I should not be taking such stance, which is another point to consider in how I sometimes take things ‘personally’ as if it was ‘my duty’ to be ‘on charge’ when I’m not, lol.

The thoughts I noticed within a recent situation where others arrived late to an agreed meeting and event had to do with holding a certain image of myself by association, as if such people’s actions in relation to ‘not being on time’ could ‘taint’ my own reputation, my ‘standing’ so to speak in the sense that I am usually careful with commitments and I act based on what I would like others to do towards me, such as being on time if it is an agreed point between all parties involved.

I noticed that my experience in a moment where others were not showing up on time was just causing more tension in me and therefore around me, because I reacted to what I perceived as lack of responsibility and integrity in the people that weren’t showing up as scheduled, in a way perceiving they were  just not ‘taking it seriously.’  

What did I do? I took a step ‘aside’ by myself for a moment to calm down, even if I wasn’t being overtly emotionally expressive about it, I noticed I was in fact causing myself to see everything as if it was a ‘big’ problem and with that, having thoughts about losing prestige, losing credibility, being treated as ‘less than’ because of being associated to people that ‘are not trustworthy’ or ‘not on time’ to what I define as important meetings or events. This is also influenced by my idea and perception that showing up early or being on time ‘is a quality that invariably denotes reliability and responsibility’… but, this is certainly not a rule.

I found it cool to hear to those Eqafe recordings and see that this was part of the suggestions whenever getting to a point of ‘boiling up with frustration,’ to take a step to the side so to speak to truly calm down and not spill out one’s reactions upon others, so I’m glad I did it, but it took some time to ‘cool down’ so to speak and because it took quite some time, I’m here to write it out and see what was really going on within me that was ‘upholding’ that frustration for longer than I would have wanted.

I see how I tend to do ‘whatever it takes’ to be usually on time, I really haven’t made myself as flexible in certain situations to be ‘ok’ with arriving late. However I recently also was on the ‘giving’ end of not arriving at an expected time and breaking such ‘punctuality’ pattern in me that prompted others to react to it. In this, I could reflect back or mirror myself to the kind of general fuss I create about people not being on time and associating that to ‘all the worst’ type of qualities in a person where I, for a moment, forget about everything of who the person or people are and I simply see all the ‘bad’ or ‘worse’ such as irresponsibility, carelessness, being unreliable, not trust worthy, taking things lightly, too lax about things, not being serious enough, irresponsible, neglectful and disrespectful of people’s time. All of these are of course aspects we can all have in our lives regardless of ‘being on time’- that’s for sure.

Now the interesting part in the event where others arrived late is that, it wasn’t even a meeting ‘with me’ per se, I could not directly do anything about it, yet I was going to partake in it. So why do I fear so much being ‘associated’ to others not being on time? Why haven’t I learned to ‘separate’ myself in a healthy manner from taking such kind of attitudes personally as if it was ‘me’ being irresponsible or lacking consideration of others’ time?

While I was on my own trying to calm down from the ‘boiling up’ experience of seeing others not arriving on time, I kept telling myself that probably others would not even notice or be as ‘aware’ of the time as I was. I kept telling myself that it might be something ‘usual’ for most to not have things start at the expected time… but it all seemed futile, because I essentially got stuck on the judgment towards the situation and the people involved as ‘below standard’ and deciding that ‘that was not a commendable type of attitude’.

In essence, the whole problem I had is ending up being seen as unreliable, not trustworthy at the eyes of others by association. The keywords here are related to ‘tarnishing’ my self-image in this kind of situation, instead of being able to take a step back and realize that other people’s lives, responsibilities and decisions are not in my hands to be able to ‘move them’ to be on time at a certain place or being able to ‘change others’ to commit to do something they had agreed to at a certain time.

This is another dimension of control and I noticed how much it still takes over in me, which I can look back at some memories where through yelling out, getting angry and frustrated my father would manage to get my mother and sisters to hurry up to leave the house and be ‘on time’ wherever we were going to – this is the ‘construct’ of it:

“If I get angry, yell out, show myself frowning, scream or essentially through a tantrum = then I will get people to hurry and do as I say because they will want me to calm down”. Of course this might have worked at home based on the whole organization there that was accepted and allowed – and one to which fortunately my mother has been able to stand up from and show my father how to ‘take things easier’ – but it’s a hard thing to change by now, though at least she doesn’t react or take it personally, which is great.

So, in my case, of course it’s kind of funny now looking back to pretend that by me showing an angry face or being frustrated, something will be ‘magically done’ to move people’s bodies to arrive on time… lol! Yes, getting angry, exasperated and trying to ‘curse at the world’ will do Nothing to change the situation, literally, it is just what it is: throwing a tantrum and expecting that to get me ‘what I am’ or my desired outcome, when in fact, of course, there was Nothing I could actually practically do to change the situation.

I’d say fortunately I didn’t cause much of a problem for others because I did ‘take a step back’ literally to not have my experience spill out onto others while sorting out the situation in the moment. But I do see how it did spoil my own experience that I had foreseen was going to be an enjoyable moment for me, and eventually after some 40 minutes or so I was able to see the frustration no longer ‘be active in me.’ What happened throughout those 40 minutes then? I participated but I still kept a very serious face as an attempt to ‘show’ those that had been late to the even that I wasn’t happy – but again, lol, what for?

I could have actually spoiled things further if my own frowning and frustration pout could cause others to notice it and impact how they experience themselves in a moment. Because! It is now part of my extended responsibility to know that if I show a certain stance, posture, facial expressions towards others, I am in fact deliberately intending to cause certain effect on them, to deliver a message of ‘I’m pissed’ and if such impression is aimed at having others ‘feel bad’ for ‘not being on time,’ then obviously this is not a ‘best for all’ type of decision, so… is that really who I want to be? Is that a solution? Is that an honorable way to stand in such moments? Nope, not at all. It only worsens things.

My justification to remain in such bothered state is that it was meant to be best for everyone to start on time. This is the justification, this is based on what I’ve held as ‘standard’ and ‘what is best’ in such a polarized way that anything that doesn’t remain in that square then triggers a negative experience – and that’s what needs to be change.

Did my ‘angry face’ changed anything? No. Was I able to prompt people to arrive ‘on time’ with such reaction? Nope! Did it really matter in the end? No, since other people were also late that were directly involved in the organization of the event. Did anyone seem to care to start some 5 minutes later? No, I don’t think so. Then, what is the REAL problem here?

There is no real problem in fact, because things unfolded as expected – later than at the ‘exact’ agreed time – but it still took place and I allowed myself to get back to my senses as everything unfolded, but it wasn’t an immediate ‘letting go’, I took some time to get to embody such flexibility and let go of all my justifications about ‘my bothersome state.’

So, this is truly about me stopping projecting my own standards and ‘perfectionism’ onto others when it is not something that even matters to most people. Perhaps it is part of being considerate of other people’s time, which I personally appreciate as a quality in people – but it is not something that entirely defines ‘who a person is.’ And at the same time, it is not in my hands to do anything about ‘others being late’ really, I have to learn to go with the flow of life, and life is not ultimately watching ‘every second’ in order to happen. This wasn’t a ‘pressing meeting’ or of some high command or officials… and even those I’ve seen how also allow themselves to have some flexibility based on ‘what needs to happen’ first. Therefore there wasn’t even such need to be ‘totally precise’ with the timing either –I need to have my context in consideration as well.

Even with myself and being on the other end of arriving a few minutes late and causing a reaction in others,  I saw how much it becomes a ‘big problem’ in others if I allow myself to make a ‘big deal’ out of it as well, because I then justify such bothersome reaction in others for ‘me not arriving on time’ because! I basically do the same.

What is this thing with arriving on time? I’ve seen how I create some form of pride and uplifting experience if I manage to be ‘right on time’ somewhere, even if I have to rush and run at times to get there at the ‘exact time.’ For what? Well, for example my partner is someone that is usually  quite on time and is one of the things I appreciate in him – as he does in me – and I have associated this quality with reliability. But I also see how we can lock each other up in such rigidity about ‘being on time’ because then we create this expectation of no-matter-what we will always, always be on time and this can actually cause inflexibility and an immediate trigger for emotions if for one reason one of us can’t be on time or other people that we agreed to meet up with can’t be ‘on time’ as expected.

Getting to know ‘the reasons’ behind the delay also expands my ability to understand how other’s lives unfold, what comes ‘in their way’ that I couldn’t have possibly considered before.

So this is another form of control that I need to let go of towards myself and towards others– and yes there’s resistance in it because of the associations I’ve attached to it – but it doesn’t mean I now will ‘arrive late’ or ‘not care about time’ at all. This is about growing some consideration, comprehension and being realistic about the many LIFE factors that lead any of us to not be able to be able to make it ‘on time’.  

Does it make sense to imply that ‘someone is a person of integrity, self-respect, honor, responsibility, commitment, dedication, reliability and trustworthiness based on how punctual they are?’ No.

Does it make sense to ‘automatically imply that someone that is usually late or not arriving at all to certain meetings as someone that is unreliable, irresponsible, dishonest, lazy, careless, disrespectful, neglectful and inconsiderate towards others?’ No.

Someone can be always on time and be a person that is not genuinely living the best of themselves and vice versa, it can be a person that simply hasn’t aligned themselves to a proper scheduling method or hasn’t aligned the relationship to time, traveling or simply showing up to meetings at a certain time and hasn’t found a way to calculate the time it takes to get somewhere… or simply doesn’t truly care about ‘time’ either, and that should also be ‘fine’ on my side, because it may be a part of a certain person’s way of being.

There’s many factors to consider also based on the nature of the meetings – casual or too official/important that are time sensitive for various reasons – but ultimately, if the thing gets done and someone’s life doesn’t depend on it, then, I should be much more considerate of the many aspects that can cause delays or someone arriving later than expected, or something starting later than usual.

Of course this is also a self-honesty point, where if someone becomes unreliable based on repeated events where they don’t arrive on time or don’t show up at all, sure then the person might end up causing certain consequences as a result of that, and it’s ok as well, because how else do we get to see what we are doing if we don’t receive others’ feedback upon repeated moments of not being on time or not showing up to something that we had agreed to be a part of? It can cause one to be dismissed of a job or no longer being contacted or invited to be part of certain meetings, jobs, responsibilities, etc. or to be replaced by people that are more reliable in the context of time and being present. It really depends on what one is arriving ‘late’ to and also taking each case separately to understand what gets on the way to ‘getting there on time’ in our lives.

I realize I do hold high standards on this aspect and I am aware how I cause myself bitterness and tension when things don’t happen at the ‘expected time,’ and so because I see that this is something that is totally and absolutely in my hands to change, I have to be the one that creates an understanding within me of the many reasons why something could not start at the expected time and why people were late or delayed.

I also have to stop taking it as if it had something to do ‘with me’ personally or that could ‘affect me’ if I am not the one that is being late or not showing up… I consider that most of the times – if not all of the times – arriving late is not a deliberate thing. Or who knows, it may! But it should not matter either unless it causes problems or negative consequences if it becomes a repetitive pattern.

I also realize that my rigidity causes inner conflict – and therefore inner harm – more than an outer or reality conflict, because I can see how things simply end up unfolding as expected. Therefore I have to stop associating ‘being on time’ and punctuality as an invariable outflow of certain ‘honorable’ qualities in human beings, it might be so in some cases, not in others – but the only way to measure that is to learn to see people as a whole, not directly ‘label’ someone based on them being punctual or not.

In some cases I see I can extend a hand to share how I relate to time and how I prepare to get ‘on time’ to certain things and do so with others that I see are having a troublesome relationship with being on time or have problems with getting to plan things in a way that they don’t forget to do it. However, I have to make sure I have a clear starting point and not doing so with a ‘hidden agenda’ attempt of having others do things ‘my way’ – but simply share ways, examples, give suggestions while being aware that ultimately that’s as much as I can do –  it is then up to each one to do it or not.

At times it simply is a matter of having reality play out and if the pattern repeats, then to see how to best address it by first cross-referencing with others to ensure I am not merely pointing things out based on a tunnel-vision idea I have of what ‘the problem’ is and, if sufficient people agree about seeing certain patterns or behaviors that are related to not being on time and becoming unreliable to ‘show up’ to certain events or meetings, then, further actions can be taken on, like assisting the person to become aware of the pattern and seeing what it causes, creating some sort of ‘penalty fees’ to ‘get the message’ if the point is already a repeated pattern – or if the case is extreme, to simply replace the person or people involved that may be more responsible in attending certain responsibility.  I might be going way too ‘out there’ in planning out potential outflows, but, this is part of how I function in also practicing what I would ‘do’ in certain possible situations.

Intervening in others’ lives is not something I should aim at doing either, it should really be a last-resort type of thing and the ideal way would be to suggest them to ask for support if they recognize in themselves that they are having a hard time with commitment. That takes some deeper self-honest look and it might not be ‘the norm’ but, at times, consequences hit home and that’s when we wake up to see that we are doing something that is not leading to a beneficial outcome and needs to be changed, because it affects others.

So, for now this will be a test for me, to actually decide to breathe until I am settled again, no longer tensing my body and letting go of all the ‘worst of the worst’ associations to others or even a general situation not happening ‘on time’ or ‘as expected’ and realizing that reality happens, there’s a myriad reasons why something could not happen ‘as expected.’ This recently happened with a birthday meeting and I was rushing a lot to be on time and we got to realize that the meeting was almost ‘half an hour’ later and they usually tell people that it’s earlier because ‘no one arrives on time.’ This is a form of ‘known’ fact, a cultural thing of sorts where ‘no one usually arrives on time’ and so they invite people earlier than the actual start time, for them to actually ‘be on time.’ So, lol, this is then just part of those things I have to also take into consideration for meetings in general.

And in this, I also require to stop generating a sense of self-pride for ‘being right on time’ and feeling good about it. I can redefine it as a practical measure, see it for what it is: being on time enables things to take place as agreed, but I can also create space and a leeway for flexibility when it comes to being on time myself.

I could see it as well when I was late which was not even because I was genuinely out of my schedule, but simply because of not measuring the amount of time it would take me to get from point A. to point B. And I saw how inconsiderate I can be when being very ‘locked in’ within the idea of ‘always being on time’ which was completely reflecting myself back to myself in seeing how others reacted to me ‘not being on time’. In short, I got a scoop of my own chocolate as the saying goes here, and seeing how much one can be ‘short sighted’ to not consider reality play outs and the outflow of situations that can change the course of things, even if having previously ‘planned it.’

So as with everything, there’s a balancing point. At times it takes the consideration of letting others know something like ‘hey I will be arriving later than expected’ I always appreciate that, but what has happened at times is that I get so hooked on the idea that ‘I can make it! I can arrive on time!’ that I end up not sending such notices and it causes more misunderstandings if I don’t communicate that I am arriving later or the reason why I haven’t arrived somewhere, or why I won’t be able to make it at all.

Another point is to consider other aspects like lack of communication. I’ve gotten so used to being able to communicate with my phone, but who knows if one day I have no battery, no internet, no credit to send out any message or ‘left it at home’… then I would have to also consider that this could happen to others and not freak out about it, lol.

There’s also the potential of ‘getting lost’ in arriving somewhere, or arriving ‘on time’ but to the wrong spot, or ‘at the wrong time’ like one hour earlier or later. These are all real life situations that have happened and I rather decide to laugh about it, I totally appreciate seeing how others take these situations with laughter and taking it easy – whereas in me the tendency is to tense up and ‘just boil!’ lol –I really, really need to learn from them and chill out with these ‘being on time’ events.

And of course if someone that I am directly responsible for or directly co-working with is presenting such patterns in a repeated manner, I then have more of a say in being able to call the point out and perhaps even assisting the other person to remember certain things. I have no problem with that if I see that to me planning and being on time is more of a natural ‘trait’ so to speak, while also not making others dependent on me to organize their lives… or perhaps it can be a job position and I would have no problem in doing so! But even then, it’s even cooler when such job becomes more of an example of how things can get done and the other person can learn for themselves how to get to do things or be on time.

There’s many other aspects I could list here, but I just have to be aware and considerate of my relationship to this point in my life.  

I also appreciate feedback on this one considering how ingrained such aspect of ‘being on time’ and defining myself as ‘a punctual person’ and even taking pride on it as a positive experience, which has led me to associate the opposite polarity to anything or anyone that I label as ‘not being on time’ or lacking punctuality. This stops here and I have to live now my new relationship to ‘being on time’ in meetings.

Ultimately it is about myself getting over the judgment of having things and people start late, be late in general and at the same time not being so hard on myself If I also don’t make it to on time and immediately associating ‘being late’ with ‘the worst of the worst’ for doing so, because now I understand: that’s all in my head, those are all my associations, not others’. If I have a genuine problem then, I have to seek out support to get somewhere or do something if it is a ‘sensitive’ situation. That’s about as far as I can see for now.

And even with all of this, I am sure there will be times where the most unexpected thing can cause a delay in something or in someone’s path to arrive or be somewhere. And that is OK, I need to learn how to flow with the flow of life instead of being entrenched in an ‘ideal’ of ‘how things should be’ and be OK if things are out of my control as well, reminding myself I can only support me and handle my situation or the situation according to the context and timing it is.

Ok that’s it, thanks for reading and any feedback that is aimed at expanding perspectives on solutions or ways of approaching these situations is welcomed J

And! To get to listen to those Eqafe audios I suggested above and many more, sign up for  Eqafe Unlimited where you will get access to thousands of recordings that will improve your life if you live out the suggestions to sort out almost every aspect of our daily lives 🙂

Thanks for reading!

 

 

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635. #EqafeDiscovery: From Wanting to Help to Being the Best for Me and Sharing It

 

I was listening to the Eqafe recording  I Just Want to Help – Quantum Systemization – Part 121 and I recognize that this programming is quite ingrained within me and I’ve basically lived out this pattern of wanting to help, wanting to save or fix another person throughout most of my life or since I have memory. The ‘funny’ thing is that I knew it, but I would still do it because I believed that my intent was ‘good’ and therefore “it would not do any harm to the other person to at last – apparently – feel supported by a helping hand.” So the story begins… hehe

I created various – if not most – of my personal relationships from this starting point which of course, led them all to have to cease to exist, because the whole starting point was for me to become their helper, their ‘savior’ and their ‘fixer’ which I then used as an excuse to not solely focus on what was My experience in my relationship to them – meaning, to see and focus on getting to acknowledge what were my reactions, my backchat, my emotions and feelings emerging towards them – and instead I solely focused ‘on them’ and trying to assist them or support them, this is taking on the ‘savior’ mode and attempt to control, manipulate and ‘direct’ them to what I perceived was a better path or a better way of being. The results are varied, mostly ending up in disappointment on my side of course when realizing that I was offering, giving and wanting to change and fix others that were not asking for it, nor were looking at ‘changing themselves’ – it was ‘just my imagination’ lol. Which I don’t judge really, I do have a tendency to see the potential that people can be but there’s a huge step from seeing such potential to living it, and I know for a fact it takes work and it is just futile to try and have someone do this for themselves if there is no intent to do so.

In other cases some were explicitly ‘open’ to be supported, but it became the sole point of the relationship in the sense that, there were no two individuals standing as equals, I always placed myself as the one that considered had to be the ‘helping hand’ towards the other, and this of course also became a very draining situation, which would turn into a suppressed of inner- conflicts that I invariably had to end one way or another. This means, the relationships could not stand this way because its starting point was compromising both of our responsibilities and self-integrity, we were only supporting each others’ personality roles.

So, this audio I shared at the beginning of this blog opens up about a situation where a person wants to help when they have not walked their own process first, and when their sole purpose of interacting with others was to immediately see what they could fix or help them to change because of immediately seeing certain aspects as flaws or problems. I can relate a lot to this approach too. In fact, many times I created my own emotional ‘problems’ in order to kind of understand how to ‘help’ people around me and try to understand their experiences… but it is a fact that I cannot walk ‘all kinds of experiences’ on my own to be able to walk through them and then share about to help others, lol, Nope. That’s where the relevance of walking a process like we do at Desteni comes in, because person walks through specific patterns, ways of doing things, particular situations that may be very common or similar for several ‘kinds of people’ so to speak, and so the support comes when we share about our experiences, how we face them and how we support ourselves to stand up from them or change in them.

This also creates a network of support where perhaps I can see someone is experiencing something and they are asking for support and I see that I would like to support them but, I am learning to see within me if I can relate to their experience and if I don’t, then I provide links to Eqafe recordings to understand that particular pattern or experience, I direct them to some other Destonian blogs that I’ve come across with that may relate to what they are facing, or directly ask them to go to the forum to place it there and see who can relate to that specific situation and share their self-support.

This has been a learning process to me, it’s a bit hard to know when to step in to support and when to let go of this want to ‘give the answers’ if you will as in providing ‘the way’ they can support themselves, or ‘ease’ their pain, suffering or emotional experience. But I’ve seen how this had also become a blinding point for me, because I do have a tendency to focus and worry more about others and in that, it is somewhat easy to leave myself out of the self-support equation. That’s a problem to correct.

What I’m currently working on is in placing ‘me’ first not as a point of selfishness, but in the realization of what has been a lifelong pattern where I tend to worry more about others, to want to save, fix, change and help others out first and not really looking at what am I causing to myself and my own body and life when merely and solely focusing on everything and everyone outside of myself, and neglecting me in it all.

In the end, I’ve come to see how I have projected my own need to support me first upon others and this is also a very common distraction created in our minds, where instead of focusing on ourselves, we project it ‘out there.’ Lol I laugh because this is an ongoing point within me and it even happened quite recently where in an attempt to support or give seemingly ‘good ideas’ to someone facing a particular difficulty in their lives – and I don’t particularly have a close relationship with – it kind of backfired because of trying to ‘help’ someone that is clearly not in such mindset of seeing the relevance of ‘supporting’ themselves first. So an idea I had on ‘how to make things better’ simply became another outlet to reinforce their righteousness about the problem they have created for themselves and recreate a point of blame….

I was talking about this with my partner and one of my friends and realized: Oh-oh, shit,  I’ve done it again, had a seemingly ‘good idea’ and it backfired, because I can’t have good intentions and pretend they will simply work out with someone that is not even willing to look back at themselves as the source of a problem! I learned the lesson. I agree that I have to let go of these good intentions with people that I barely know or actually know are not in such stance where they are ready to take self-responsibility for something or are in the process of wanting to at least do something about it within themselves. Extending a helping hand to someone that is blatantly ‘spewing’ back at you so to speak is not the way, at all, lol. It is the mother-Theresa construct again in me that I need to stop.

It needs to stop here because I do create certain stress within me about such situations where I see someone ‘needs help’ but of course I know I can’t be such ‘changer’ or ‘point of help’ for them. What’s the answer then? Well, lol, my mother just sent me this internet pic about people that are called ‘crazy’ – just like she calls me in a tenderly manner lol – who get concerned with other people’s suffering and want to make things better for everyone, so upholds such hope in the way they live. Well, I am sort of that but there is an equilibrium needed where I just don’t go ‘concerning’ with people’s suffering and make it a concern of my own.  I mean, my body just immediately pointed this out in the situation I described above in saying ‘nope, nope, nope don’t go there again!’ And so it was supportive to share about it with my partner and he pointed out the same ‘Stop trying to help people that are not asking for it’ and that is so. Even if they were only asking for it, it’s not enough if they are not understanding what it entails to live self-support.

It is not an act of selfishness to do this, it is an act of self-love and self-responsibility and applying common sense. I am totally willing to be a point of support for someone that is willing to support themselves and not only ‘willing’ because I’ve also ‘been there and done that’ and it is not enough to have someone say ‘yes I am willing to do this for the best of me’ – but actually LIVE the words with their every word, thought and deed and have their lives be a visible proof of that. This is where I currently am for example in my partnership relationship and I can see the difference of what a ‘hassle’ or a ‘burden’ felt like before when placing myself as ‘the savior’ in my personal relationship and how it is when two people simply join their lives while already living self-support for themselves – even if it is in very different ways or paths – which enables one another to become a point of support for each other whenever we lose ourselves in ‘our ways’ to a point where we no longer are aware of it. But this doesn’t become a ‘dragging’ situation or a burden, it becomes a feedback process that, to me, is one of the most enjoyable parts of a relationship, because we get to create more intimacy that way, seeing ‘deeper’ within each other and getting to know our weaknesses and strengths which is great, but no longer feel like ‘I’ have to ‘sort someone out’ – which was a mistake in any case throughout all the times I lived out this savior-complex in my relationships.

My partner has a way of approaching life and situations in a way in which I wasn’t brought up by my parents, but he was and that’s how he’s come to be the person he is. He didn’t have that constant ‘helping hand’ for him, so he had to build who he is from scratch and I can see how that can be a way to strengthen one’s character as well, because there is no sense of ‘needing help’ really, but simply deciding to do things and getting on it in with whichever tools and ways he had with limited resources. This perspective seems ‘way too tough’ for people that he usually shares this perspective with – including myself – because most of us avoid having to stand up on our own feet or fear having to confront such absolute ‘nothingness’ point to stand up from it and create ourselves from scratch. And this is how this ‘fear’ of having nothing or no one as a ‘helping hand’ also becomes a projection of ‘wanting to help others’ to not ‘feel’ or ‘go through’ what may be at times – if not all times – a necessary part of our process to grow, mature and actually strengthen ourselves. This is to no longer fear existing in such ‘helplessness’ points but see them as the opportunities to start from scratch in self-creation.  

He was telling me the butterfly story while it is in its chrysalis and how one person once saw the incipient butterfly was struggling to get out of the chrysalis, so the human gave a ‘helping hand’ by cutting it and allowing the butterfly to come out… the result? The butterfly died because part of her process was to go through such struggle or difficulty to strengthen herself in order to survive.

I can totally see how I can stifle someone’s personal process of growth and learning to stand up for themselves when attempting to immediately join in and ‘help out’ and try and fix or sort out others’ problems… it’s just not the way.

So, it has really been a constant point for me to continue creating awareness of and I still have to learn to take a step back, get back to my senses out of that ‘itching’ desire to help someone and instead consider the benefits of having them stand on their own two feet and decide to do it by themselves. Otherwise, I become another ‘cane’ they walk with and become dependent ‘on me’ or on anything else to continue walking their life and that is mutual enslavement, mutual dishonor  – I’ve been there and done that and it’s not a happy ending.

Therefore! I have to continue applying what I’ve defined as tough love which I’ve shared about before, which I have applied in the past as well, but only after a long time of wanting to fix someone’s life. I realize I don’t have to get to such point as a last resort, but have it as a starting point. This way I won’t immediately try and jump to ‘help another’ but instead rather see how they do on their own, let them be and see how they are living their own willingness to support themselves. This also implies to completely let go of wanting to save, fix or change ‘the world’ but simply share myself, what I’ve learned, what I’ve walked through and realized about myself without a hidden intent to create such impact that ‘it changes people’  – lol, that’s not really possible, only self-change, self-motivation, self-will can do that – no one can ever ‘be’ or ‘do’ that for you, we always have to do it for ourselves which is great because that’s the essence of self-responsibility and the essence of the principle of what’s best for all. How can one ever be ‘best for all/others’ if one is not ‘best for self’ first?

So I’ll continue assessing these moments when wanting to save, help or fix another’s’ life and take all of these points into consideration, to not be ‘driven’ by wanting to alleviate someone else’s suffering. I personally know how supportive it is to do this for myself, and how that creates an actual experience of strengthening myself in seeing how my own efforts and dedication work and that is what I can then share with others as well, which is what I decide to define as support: to share myself from my own experience without attempting others to ‘follow it to the T’ and ‘change their lives’ with it – it’s like a form of unconditional love, which is a cool thing  to do.  A friend of mine was telling me about this and how he notices that in me, that I am already living this result of what I’ve been applying and as such,  one understands the necessity and importance to share one’s process in ‘getting there’, yet doing so without ‘forcing’ others to do so, it is a form of unconditional sharing and that’s something I’ll continue to do because that’s what satisfies me the most and it’s ‘effortless’ in the sense that I’m not trying to convince anyone anymore, I’m just me, I share me and what I learn in my life for whoever wants to take it in – and that’s simply part of my responsibility of being part of the whole  that has found certain ways that work for me to support me J

Ok thanks for reading! And here are other blogs that I’ve written about similar topics:

520. Self-Accountability and Tough Love

 

552. Who Am I as a Savior?

 

519. From Fear of Speaking up to Doing So

 

502. From Feeling Sorry to Owning our Consequences

 

506. From Despair to a Constructive Aftermath

 

 

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Mantis, Bernard Poolman 

 

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634. #EqafeDiscovery: The Fabrication of Interpretation

I recommend listening to the audio Interpretation – Quantum Systemization – Part 120 to gather a new perspective on why we can fall into a common situation which is that of interpreting someone’s words and actions as something that we take personal and so, triggers reactions within us, as if they were meant to tell us something about ourselves that we believe is something negative about us or as if they were ‘covert ways’ tell us something that we judge about ourselves. However we usually stop at that point of interpreting things in a certain way, we react in an emotional way and then: we don’t look any further. This audio explains why it is essential to take one step further to see how to take the point back to self, which means, how to support ourselves to prevent taking things to the level of reacting and instead seeing what one can learn or take from such points like interpreting someone’s words and behaviors to look back at ourselves and work with our reactions.

Something that I’ve noticed is how if I have an unclear stance and relationship to something or someone, I will be prone to take their words, actions or inactions as a sign of something that may relate to me or is ‘surreptitiously’ aimed to ‘get me’ in one way or another. Some other times this kind of assumption happens in one single moment where even interpreting someone’s gestures or the sound of their voice could be interpreted as ‘aimed’ to create certain experience in me. This exists in the realm of assuming things and in my case, this has been a big point that relates to over analyzing, which is also nicely explained in another Life Review at Eqafe here: Twisting Memories – Life Review.

Both of these audios hit the nail in the head on a certain way of being that I’ve noticed exists within me. Ultimately, it has to do with almost a kind of paranoiac attitude that emerges with listening, watching or interacting with certain people that I believe are having an ‘off’ stance towards me. This kind of starting point towards anyone creates a hyper-vigilance wherein every single word is listened to, read or gestures and body language seen with utmost care, already wanting to ‘frame’ such words or attitudes within a certain mindset of interpreting something as having the intent of causing ‘something’ within me.

I consider that this is one of the most common ways in which I tend to take things personally and within that, I become a defensive mindset that creates a certain experience of  being attacked, being threatened in one way or another. Of course this is me reacting to what I think, believe or perceive is relating to me in one way or another – yet I have no proof of such in fact.

So what actually goes on is I take the words personally, I relate those words or actions or attitudes as ‘aiming to tell me something’ and in one single moment I can become almost ‘possessed’ by this conclusion made in my head and create a general stance towards certain person or situation in general where I then believe I have been offended or have to ‘defend’ myself’ or go into a ‘low’ experience because of it – any form of emotional reaction that prevents me, or veils me from focusing where I actually should, which is the starting and origin point of it all: myself.

Part of the points shown in this audio at Eqafe about interpretation is that whenever we shield ourselves from certain information by reacting to it, it means we are evading to actually see something about ourselves that we are not wanting to admit or fear to see about ourselves. And this is precisely how because we fear admitting certain things about ourselves, it becomes easier to fight back, judge back, attack back.

Upon listening to it, a moment came up within me where I was on the other end of having my words being interpreted in an attacking mode. Looking back and getting feedback from those that I shared this moment with, it might have been that my stance was too ‘direct’ and having no ‘gentle’ approach, might have been interpreted as an attack or defensive question that was taken as almost an insult by the other person. The result? I definitely felt ‘shut down’ by the people involved in the conversation, because people reacted to a question I posed and so essentially I was categorically told to shut up.

My intent behind the question was to create an awareness of a point of self-responsibility in someone’s life. The immediate response was that I was attacking the person and victimizing them… I could not even understand what was meant by that, but the stance, the voice tonality and general attitude was showing me ‘you better not ask that type of questions’ kind of approach – ‘or you can cause more problems.’

I am aware of what my starting point was, it was to create an opening within someone, to recognize their co-creation and shared responsibility in certain situation. However this audio about interpretation enabled me to ‘join the dots’ so to speak and realize that this was in fact about the person fearing to acknowledge their responsibility, and so immediately deciding to attack back in a way of saying ‘can’t speak/ don’t go there/ shut up’ type of response.

This assists me to let go of the energetic charge I have created about that one moment within me, because I can now realize that it wasn’t personal or directed ‘at me’ but it was more like an immediate defense mechanism, a way to prevent themselves to investigate and get to a point of self-honesty, to get to see where and how they were also co-creators of a certain situation that they were merely wanting to blame other people for. My solution? I simply offered support whenever needed to open things up, to communicate more about it.  

Then I’ve also been the interpreting one where I can even notice an energetic charge or experience as I read someone’s words, already trying to ‘pick things up’ and ‘frame them’ in this interpretation of ‘it having to do with me’, or ‘being directed at me’ in a disguised way. The way to clear it up? To see what are the fears that I can be carrying around in relation to having something said about me that I may be fearing to face or admit about myself, and so if I in fact don’t like this about me, then what a better way to notice it and change such thing about myself.

The thing that I consider we miss out very often is how we are the only ones that can take and make things personal, so if we have ‘issues’ in the sense of not having a clear and direct relationship with ourselves and making sure we are standing clear within ourselves and so in relation to everyone else that we relate to, we may be prone to be ‘picking up’ meanings  and ‘reading in between lines’ when it comes to certain things, people or situations – all fear based, fearing to see or getting to admit something about ourselves, and perhaps not really wanting to do something about it, which is the self-dishonesty point that is opened up in front of us with such ‘interpretation’ moments.

Another dimension or related aspect to this is when I can actually be the one that is ‘implying’ certain things as I speak or communicate something and within that, already having a ‘second intention’ with my words so that they get to be read or interpreted in a certain way that is not explicit or literal. This is more of a veiled dimension of having a ‘hidden agenda’ and not being direct or explicit about things, but wanting to say so in a covert way, which is ultimately a point of deception for myself that I have to clarify myself about.

Sometimes it is about spite, sometimes it is about wanting to create an awareness about something directed with a particular purpose that is not what’s best for all. All forms of covert, hidden agendas or ‘disguised’ form of communication becomes another aspect of self-deception, which is not even really about the receptors of my message or how they will be understood, but about who I am in it, my starting point within writing or speaking or communicating something in whichever language form. And that’s generally what self-honesty is about, to know where I stand and my starting point in doing, saying something. So I share these details about the ‘fabrication’ of interpretation, which is really a convoluted way to say things that perhaps one can gather sufficient confidence and courage to say things in a straightforward manner, which I see I can totally align myself with, I just require to first clear myself from any ‘hold ups’ in relation to memories.

Therefore the solution resides within me, to walk a preventive process if I notice that I am having an ‘off’ stance towards something or someone and that means, having reactions towards things or situations or people that I find are “making me feel uncomfortable” or “not having an easy time’ around”… that already indicates there’s stuff within me that I need to look at and write out, because it’s never about ‘the others’ but all about myself. In essence, I can only create certain ‘off’ experience – negative experience – about something or someone if I have certain ‘issues’ towards it, such as judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, memories that I am carrying around relating to such people or situations and that prevents me from being ‘clear’ within me when meeting them, being around them or talking to them or even just reading their words.

Then, if the bullet is already shot once that we already go into interpreting someone’s words or actions as if it was directed at us or taking things personal, the process is the same though now with having a direct feedback of which words, which actions, which body language or the lack thereof got us to be ‘triggered’ as in ‘got us to react’ in one way or another believing that ‘it was aimed at us’ or ‘it was meant to make us feel this/that’ – and so it becomes easier to have the exact words, the exact gestures, the exact tonality that we reacted to, so in this case, interpreting and reacting becomes also a gift to know where to ‘tackle’ our own programming

This right here is a priceless life-hack, to be able to see ourselves as the starting point or origin point of any experience, it enables us to stop seeing a situation, people or even certain body movements or! Even voice tonalities as having ‘power’ over us to the point of affecting ourselves, it’s always about who we are and how we decide to respond to any words, voice tonalities, body language etc.

To me this is very valuable support because of my tendency to over analyze and go picking up things from memories and such, which is also explained how to go through that in the second audio I recommended above. All in all, one always gets to see more than what the ‘eye’ can see in any given situation, it assists to create a completion of a picture that at times, we only carry around with an emotional experience as ‘unresolved issues.’ Well, there’s no longer an excuse to do so. I gotta do my homework now J

 

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633.#EqafeDiscovery:Being Authentic

 

I was searching for the words ‘compromise’ in the Eqafe search bar and these Life Reviews came up: You See What I Want You to See – Life Review and the follow up of it Stop Your Spiteful Thoughts – Life Review  and it brought up some interesting memories about a phase I lived in my life during my high school years – just like the guy that shares his life review – and how I never considered that what I did in terms of how I would speak, behave, look and wear certain clothes was in fact from the starting point of wanting to fight against all the people that I was secretly – and constantly – judging based on having had a desire to ‘fit in’ within certain groups of people, while actually doing so out of fear of being alone or not been seen as ‘the outcast’ etc. Which was in fact a point of self-compromise, which emerged in various ways as I’ll share here.

It all emerged from the constant need to ‘fit in’ when I was in junior high school and compromising myself to the point of doing things just because of wanting to hang out with the people I ‘believed’ I should be getting along with based on what I ‘thought’ was ‘normal’ for a girl to do, like hanging out with other girls, and be gossipy and be focusing on looks and certain kinds of music and clothes that I really didn’t like lol.  I then became what I thought was the ‘opposite’ statement of it, to slowly but surely embrace more of my tastes in music and portray that in outfits, and be into more ‘underground’ kind of tastes etc. – stuff that I genuinely liked but that I knew that not many other women liked. Yep, I embraced then getting along better with males as a result of it as well.

I have shared about that phase in my life before in this blog, however I realize how I didn’t see how such ‘rebellious’ personality was a form of spite as a way to ‘stand up’ for me, I never really see it as a form of manipulation or spite and even avenging the past girls that I felt would leave me ‘out’ of their group and regular outings.

This personality suit became a way of placing a mark of ‘I am not like anyone else here’ and at the same time feel special that I had my own ‘one-person-niche’ – or so I believed – and essentially was left alone and would be by myself and I would feel proud of that.  What I was able to look back at when listening to these Eqafe audios is how much I masked such deliberate actions – which are yes, a point of self-manipulation – entirely based on wanting others to see me in a particular way, wanting others to ‘leave me alone’ because of considering that I just didn’t want to keep trying to fit in anywhere. There are some cool points that are involved in it as well, like no longer creating a struggle or inner conflict to fit in, but instead pursue my own interests which at the time were essentially and entirely related to music and reading and that sort of thing, so I used books as a point of refuge to spend my time during recess. At the same time, I embraced my actual enjoyment of being learning in school and would no longer feel ashamed of being good at it. That’s where I became even more outspoken and would be up for intellectual and opinionated discussions with some people that eventually became good friends to me, which is another story I’ve shared before as well J

 I started allowing myself to be me, surely. But! I do recognize I would take it to that extreme at times and how the whole starting point was also to kind of ‘spite’ the rejection or perception of ‘being left out’ by other groups of girls to the point where I simply stopped wanting to be a part of it, and it truly was for the best in my own eyes based on the kind of habits they got into and ‘ways of having fun’ that I just realized were not at all for me, and I regretted in a way the time I spent trying to fit in. But at the same time, it would still come up with this sort of ‘superiority’ sense that was there as a driving force because of still carrying the inferiority experience of being left out or not fitting in according to what I believed was ‘the right thing to do’

This is how this ‘courageous self’ did contain some spite towards that previous ‘me’ that was too sensitive, trying to fit in, feeling left out and still going through similar experiences as I did in early elementary school where I could not entirely understand people and their desire to talk nastily about others, leave out others on purpose or be simply mean to others. This always felt entirely wrong yet at the same time If I would stand my ground, it would mean I would be alone and I feared it at the time. 

I only decided to embrace that aloneness until I was in high school and it was only when I went to art school in my university that I genuinely felt ‘at the right place’ for the most part. Until! I also started walking this process and then another isolation phase emerged, a much tougher one where I placed into question this ‘rebellious’ personality and so it has taken me years to redefine my starting point of how I’ve ‘become me’ as I currently am – however, again, I never realized it was a form of spite in fact. Now I see how that played out, which is good to know in order to not repeat the same again.

What opened up in my dream is how even though I stopped wanting to ‘fit in’ with certain people at school, around that time in high school I also started hanging out with people I believed were ‘the kind of people I wanted to be a part of’ which, were mostly people that would define themselves as ‘different,’ or ‘outcasts’ and they became my best friends and first relationships where I truly felt ‘I belonged’.

What I didn’t see before until now based on the dream and also upon listening to this life review is that, I continued compromising myself or manipulating myself to now be liked or accepted by these ‘new’ individuals in my life, because I still felt that even if we liked the same stuff – preference-based relationships – we had very different principles in fact. I don’t regret it either because those were the relationships that enabled me to understand or get to know more about how our minds work, what emotions can create and get to know some depths into the lives of people that would ‘shape’ themselves in this particular ‘antagonistic’ way.  I went along to get to know those that were ‘riding with the devil’ so to speak and I understand that this was almost like an investigative process – as I believe my entire life is lol – to get to understand how these people functioned.

The point of my dream is that I saw myself hanging out with a person from such past times and it seemed like a present time interaction, and I would still compromise myself in saying ‘yes’ or ‘ok’ to things that I didn’t really want to say ’yes’ or ‘ok’ to. It was even a bit more eye-opening when I woke up and I recalled the dream and I almost saw it as if ‘nothing had really happened’ in it. It took me some time to see deeper and recognize how it was quite obvious that I was compromising myself again with that same person, that I would still fear to say ‘No’ to or simply not go along with their plan, because there was still this desire to fit in, to be accepted by this person, and that is where I realized that as much as I believe I have walked through that pattern, the fact that in my dream I still decided to ‘go along with’ and not stand up as in being honest with myself about what I am willing to do or not, means that this aspect is still existing within me. Not surprising though because that’s how most things go when we are working with stuff in our minds, we are not ever really ‘done’ with something because there are many layers to things and experiences we go through in our lives.

I also found it relevant that it came through with the image of a person that caused a big impact in my life for many, many years and how as much as I believe that I’ve ‘overcome’ the whole relationship, my dream came back to let me know “Hmm, I don’t think so!” Lol! There are many layers to things and I am in fact grateful for my dream in letting me know: Hey! You still said ‘yes’ when you clearly were uncomfortable and didn’t want to ‘go along with the plan’ and doing stuff that you are not really into anymore. So why did I say yes?

Wanting to be liked, wanting to be accepted, wanting to preserve certain relationship that I deemed as impossible or almost like a trophy-like situation due to how I perceive this person to be a ‘difficult’ one to be liked by. It is as if I made it a point to be liked by people that have a hard time socializing or have a hard time being understood or being liked by others and then, I would find ways to be one of the ‘few’ that they can get along with – some kind of ‘elitism’ if you will but in a weird way. The reality is that it wasn’t a genuine getting along with, because I would not be fully being honest about what I wanted to do or not, I just would agree and say yes because of that desire to be part of their lives or make them feel ‘right’ which is another aspect of pleasing others as compromise and also as a way to suppress oneself. Why would I do it? To regard myself as ‘better than’ others, to create some form of ‘specialness’ in me based on how others would deem those people as being ‘difficult to deal with,’ I wanted to be ‘the one’ that could make them feel like they were alright and belonged…. I projected my own ‘neediness’ onto them, that’s for sure.

That single point right there of believing that I should ‘do whatever it takes to be part of someone’s life’ is a big point of self-compromise. What exists behind it is suppressing what I really want to be and do. For a young girl this might seem like something ‘common’ to do, but in looking back what I see is all the bits and aspects of myself that would be compromised because of not wanting to ‘let others down’ and disappoint them in whichever expectations I believed they had about who I am and my relationship to them.

This is where the tendency to ‘live someone else’s life’ emerged as well, where I lost track of who I was because all that I did was ‘tag along’ and be like the wallflower that is always there and going along with whatever plan someone else has for me. It was submissive from my side, but I believed that would get me to live the life that I wanted… well! I eventually realized it wasn’t – and thank god for that. This also has to do with having an erroneous sense of what a relationship is, where I believed that I had to agree to everything the other person would think, say and act upon in order to ‘keep the relationship going’ and in that, I didn’t embrace my capacity to dissent and with that, stop living in fear of losing a person or relationship in my life, which was the actual fear existing behind it.

Why did I do that? Because at that time I felt that these were ‘the only people I could ever get along with’ even if their lives didn’t share the same core principles as mine… we had ‘similar personalities’ and ‘similar preferences’ and tastes in music, art, etc. But of course, back then I had no idea of how ‘who they came to be’ was also the rebellious-kind as a way to ‘spite back’ everyone else that would criticize or judge them for ‘not fitting in.’ We were united in our own weaknesses in essence, but I had no way of seeing that or realizing it as I do now.

So, this is a form of ‘ism’ that I lived back then, getting along with people that were outcasts or ‘rebels’ and believing that if I would still feel like I didn’t belong there, then ‘Oh my god! I would not belong anywhere!’ And that, my friends, is the one biggest lie I guess most people fall for when growing up, the idea that we have to ‘fit in’ and compromise, and suppress what one really wants to do because “oh no! they can’t see me alone! I can’t go to the movies alone! I can’t be living on my own! I can’t say I ‘go out’ and go by myself!” And so what did I end up doing for some good five years in my life after I decided to stop wanting to ‘fit in’? I was by myself, I tested my ability to be without relationships and get to embrace me, being me, seeing what I genuinely like to do, what I enjoy doing on my own and that was a beneficial phase in my life of which I eventually realized I also had to step back from and in a way, re-insert myself back into society if you will. It is not like I became a hermit in fact, I would still go to school and get along with people, I just didn’t cultivate any ‘deep relationships’ in reality, except for a few online friends, which I appreciate and were a supportive ground for me even if not in ‘the physical world’ – it was a form of physicality still J

That was a cool testing ground for me to embrace my aloneness and I was sharing about this with a friend yesterday because, somehow we have this ingrained belief that we have to fit in or be accepted by others and that such thing means we have to ‘be entirely like them’ which is actually limiting, because I am discovering the ‘richness’ that there is with people when we gather as individuals and simply realize that there are no ‘two’ or more that are exactly ‘the same’ of course, lol, it’s so simple but it’s still interesting to me how much this idea of ‘fitting in’ or ‘be accepted’ formed a major point of compromise in me.

It is now refreshing or liberating to know that I have no problem in going to certain places on my own while in the past, it would be a simple No-no to go alone to say, the movies. Or go alone on trips or go alone to visit museums or go to concerts alone… I’ve done all of that and I enjoy it. But I also realized that I do enjoy and want to share my life with others and that’s basically where I was able to create a relationship where I can do that and test myself to not compromise, to express me and not hold back or not try and ‘fit in’ anymore lol because there’s really nothing to ‘fit into’ really. I am now at a point within me where I can be me and that been quite liberating and enjoyable. I realize that it wasn’t really ‘others’ that were the problem, but the ways I separated myself from others by defining them in some kind of ‘specialness aura’ that I believed I had to ‘be up to the standards’ for.

I actually thought that I would ‘always’ have to compromise myself in order to be with others – yep! That’s the bugger-belief there, but I’m glad I have realized it doesn’t have to be like that and I explained before how there are simply agreements and working around points to embrace someone else in your life, but that doesn’t represent self-compromise as I’ve described at the beginning of the blog, which is great.  

As I mentioned in my last blog on compromise, once that you start living your truth and not compromise any further, it seems that the ‘right people’ arrive at your life or you get to be somehow ‘attracted’ to them in the sense of wanting to talk to them, wanting to get to know them more, or simply by the kind of interest and questions they bring up you kind of realize hey, they seem to be in the same ‘wavelength’ as I am – lol.

And that’s essentially how you can get to find people that are similar in principles of how they live their lives, and when doing this without a desire or need to ‘be in a relationship’ or within a fear of ‘not wanting to end up alone’ – then, cool things open up in sharing your life with others that may also be already quite comfortable on their own. That is also liberating, to not compromise to now ‘hold on’ to someone and ‘fear losing’ someone, or wanting to be ‘accepted’ by someone and within that, lose parts of ourselves that we might regret later on not expressing, or when we believe that we can ‘only be that’ with certain people… our expression is our expression and different aspects of ourselves emerge with different people, so that’s why it’s also cool to meet various kinds of people as different aspects emerge with each one of them, and that’s enjoyable.

So here’s some forgiveness on the points that emerged in my dream to finalize this writing:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to say ‘Yes’ in the dream to doing things that I actually didn’t want to do and felt somehow compelled to say ‘yes’ just because of having an idea of that one person being and representing the kind of people I thought I wanted to belong to or be a part of, not realizing that the idea of belonging or being a part of a finite group of people is an idea that stems from a desire to be ‘more’ or ‘special’ or ‘different’ to others that I would not be trying to relate to. Therefore believing that I was going to ‘get something good’ out of doing that which this person wanted to do.

I realize that the moment that I go into a constriction within me to do things or behave in a certain way to ‘get along’ with others is me compromising myself, and how that causes me to suppress an aspect of who I am for the sake of ‘being liked, being accepted’ by another – instead of seeing that no one can define me and who I am based on them liking or accepting me or not.

I also realize that I don’t have to ‘belong’ anywhere because I am already part of the whole that we all are J Wanting to ‘belong’ exists as a construct of separation, of specialness, of ‘superiority’ based on how I have defined that person in my life in the past as ‘unique’ and ‘different,’ and ‘intelligent’ and believing that I had to be liked, appreciated or regarded as special by them in order to ‘feel good’ about myself…. Nope, no one can really define my experience or how I feel about myself or who I am at the eyes of others, but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and worth to this person in my memories based on the many social contacts he has and how he is in my own eyes regarded as someone that is ‘special’ and ‘unique’ or a ‘one of a kind’ person that seems to be liked by everyone, and in that, desiring to be liked by him as a form of social clout that I could create and so be ‘accepted’ or embraced by people that I thought would be also cool, unique, special in my past, and within that, manipulating me, my genuine expression, behavior and preference just to ‘be part of’ such groups of people.

I have come to realize that I can be me, that I actually had to be me and yes, that left me cutting off some of these relationships and in retrospective, it was for the best because of having very different living principles and as much as I believed it would be close to ‘impossible’ or ‘very hard’ to find people with similar principles, I realize that I found them. Most are living around the world and are part Desteni as well, and a few others I’ve come to know by a similar principle that I explained above when it comes to establishing communication and developing relationships with people that have a similar foundation and one gets to come in contact with them by serendipity.

So, I would say it’s not even something someone has to find because once that one decides to be honest about who one is and how one really wants to be and what one really wants to do, then such people also ‘arrive’ at one’s life one way or another.  

Point to learn? To not compromise one’s expression, one’s truth for the sake of ‘being in a relationship’ or ‘fitting in’ with certain groups of people. How else are we going to stop recreating the compromising that exists in society today if we don’t dare to be authentic and unique? It is not ‘easy’ if you, like me, have had tough times in trying to be ‘part of the squad’ type of thing before. But, when looking back, I am glad that even if I allowed compromise in my life in many ways, I did step out of it and placed a complete halt on situations that I knew were not going to enable me to live me, express me and so enjoy being me. And that’s great, because then I got to know more of my capacity, my limits and my weaknesses as well, which I continue to work with identifying and so strengthening of course.

As a last point, as a result of being walking this process with Desteni I’ve come to definitely enjoy being me. I can say I am no longer live this ‘authentic self’ based on spiting others, or attempting to ‘go against the grain’ as what I perceive the majority of society is or does.  I have worked on stopping the ‘rebellious act’ as an act of fighting against, and instead live the understanding of what I once was and how I can simply now live and express myself and test out how that goes in various situations. I do want to encourage anyone to dare to step out of any form of compromise and realize that trusting ourselves and learning from daring to be ourselves is the road to be authentic in fact – at least that’s how I am seeing it at the moment.

That way there is no longer a sense or perception of having to please or belong to etc. It’s just an “I am me and you are you and we share and enjoy learning from each other” type of thing. This is what living in equality sounds like to me, and it’s totally doable, takes self-work and self-change, but totally worth it.  

Thanks for reading and if you want to nurture your life to have the right set of tools on how to approach virtually any problem or situation you are facing or changing in your life, check out the Eqafe Unlimited plan. You will see you’re worth it.

 

My previous blog on the topic:

538. Living Authenticity 

authentic self

 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


632.#EqafeDiscovery:Do We Fear Living?

 

During the process of translating Eqafe material to Spanish, I come to rediscover stuff that perhaps I didn’t ‘hear’ the same way that I do now. This is also how even if I have listened to most of the material in there, I keep revisiting it every day and now I get to hear many different things that I didn’t grasp back when they were first published. At times I have also seen how I can be discriminatory in relation to some of the recordings based on the title, believing that ‘it has nothing to do with me’ or that ‘I can’t relate to it’ or that ‘it’s just not of my interest’, but over the years I’ve proven this immediate-mind-response to be just part of the many limitations and distractions that may still come up within me that at times prevent me from expanding myself. So what do I do? If some of these words come up in me? I go for it, I click and listen to it J hehe

When it comes to recordings in Eqafe, a guideline that I suggest for everyone is to listen to all of the stuff there even if it ‘seemingly’ doesn’t relate to you. For example, I could say ‘well I am not a parent therefore, I don’t have to listen to the parenting series’ or if I was single then saying ‘well I don’t have to listen to the relationships series, for I am single’ – but! We truly miss out on very supportive stuff if we go through life only choosing to hear that which we ‘feel resonates more with us’, because I’ve seen how this is mostly resonating yes, to the most prominent personalities I am living out at a certain point in my life. So, that’s why upon listening to it with an open mind and an open heart to see ‘what can I learn from it?’ No matter what the title, topic or series it is coming from, I can guarantee you that if you are really willing to listen, learn and apply something in your life that you get from those recordings, you will surely benefit from it in your life in many noticeable ways.

So one of those interviews that at first I dismissed because of having a ‘blah, I already know that fear of death is the ultimate fear and so what?’ type of thought, was one Life Review called ‘Fear of Death’ – so that’s why I decided to click on it and translate it.  Upon listening to this short yet substantial message from this lady here, I realized how I had been considering this ‘fear of living’ when it comes to a process of healing and so changing in relation to something that I had defined as being ‘my problem’ that is currently ‘holding me back’ in life. I had suddenly gotten to a ‘bottle neck’ in my inner experience where I needed to process things that I was merely shoving aside and not really working – processing them as we say. It’s been worth it as I’ve been sharing in my past blogs, but the obvious point emerged of how once that the main problem ‘in the head’ is being sorted, solved, ‘healed’ if you will and then changes emerge, there’s now the next step of self-creation to take.

I’ve also been reading a book about healing that a friend of mine recommended and I realized how much we tend to get ‘stuck’ in our minds about all the things that are seemingly ‘not working out’ and we focus on all the flaws, and all the fears and I’ve seen for myself how easy it is to build your stance and experience in life around all that garbage that we allow ourselves to think and believe ‘it’s all that we are,’ which then becomes the way that we see our life, the world, others in our lives and…. it’s no wonder at all how we’ve come to create the current reality we are living in, if we have allowed ourselves to play out the worst of us and let that rule our lives every-single-day and every-single-moment of our waking life – and hell at times we even torture ourselves in our dreams, yep.

The process that I have been walking with Desteni, the process I am learning to integrate day by day of becoming more directive within me and my mind, and now more in contact with my body is aided by the material that I get from Eqafe.com, and I also assure you that it might sound like stuff we somehow ‘already knew’ at the depth of our being, but we have somehow forgotten or gotten lost in translation as they say, taken over by the busy-ness of our lives and distractions to the point where we have forgotten that we have IT all, we have and we are all that we need to take those steps to get out of whatever ‘mental hole’ we might find ourselves in.

Sure, at times it might be difficult to go through certain situations or phases in life, all I can say is: reach out, communicate, speak it out loud with someone because I know how ‘blinded’ one can become if one remains in isolation and/or in fear of opening up with someone what one is going through. To me this is an essential aspect and also why Eqafe.com as part of the Desteni group, is not an isolated type of ‘source’ that you just go and listen and that’s it. It involves self-work, it involves practical application and a sharing, a referencing back of how one is supporting oneself to actually change based on the support that we get through the audios/interviews/recordings. For that, there’s the awesome community Destonians.com where you can also join in weekly chats to share, open up whatever you are working with and walking through in your life. A one of a kind community we are for sure.

Back to the topic! When listening to the audio/video called ‘Fear of Death’ I considered that it could be renamed to ‘Fear of Living’ but! of course, at least in my case I could have perhaps ‘jumped the gun’ and say ‘blah! I don’t’ fear living’ but…. The reality is quite different as you actually walk through certain points, like actually getting to overcome certain ‘obstacles’ or ‘difficulties’ or transcend major problems or addictions in life and then what opens up is: the many possibilities in which we can direct our lives, and so the actual possibility to choose, test out and walk through any of the options and dare to actually live, dare to learn to live in a different and new way and continue learning to live because I very much see that this is what I am here for.

So, as much as it might sound ‘off’ that one can ‘fear living,’ this audio will perhaps assist you in realizing WHY that very fear might be existing in you right now and HOW it plays out in seemingly ‘not so important’ moments in our day to day living. It is those small moments where I’ve seen that I can substantiate my life the most, in all those ‘little moments’ that I believed ‘didn’t matter’ because I wasn’t ‘producing’ something or I wasn’t necessarily creating an ‘impact’ on someone else… yet, I see that those moments that I am dedicating to live the best of me, to express me and so focusing on looking at what are the directions, talents, skills and abilities that I would like to now give direction to, there’s like a new opening to life and living that in fact has always been there, I had just sort of used the excuse of a mental-mindfuck (sorry for the language, but that’s what it is) to create a justification of why I had to kind of ‘place my life on hold’ and focus too much on ‘sorting issues out’ and place my self-creation on pause. Now, I don’t judge this as a waste of time or as something bad either, I now see it as part of the things that I had to confront and understand about myself and how I in fact create my experience and my life.

It is now up to me to take the steps to actually stop living in the habit that I gave my energy and breaths to that took me down to a bit of a rabbit hole in my personal experience, to learn from it, to see what I have to self-forgive and so to decide my next steps. Even though I see this direction, it is so that in our minds, the tendency of the ‘old habits’ to live in fear essentially will still come up. I know it is possible to live without the constant ‘fear’ and believe me, I THOUGHT that I was a fearless person…… yep! Well, it’s cool to get humble and realize ‘Nope! I definitely see I was many times acting out of fear!’ so that’s how I’m also glad I got to hear this through the audio so that I can become aware of the ‘little habits’ that have taken me to that inner experience, which sure may come and go, but now I can identify it better, give it a name and so decide in that moment what I decide to live.

So to me this is one simple, simple example of how listening to an Eqafe recording can confirm an entire process that I’ve been walking and how it can assist one even further to ‘take the next steps’ we might be missing out on or not giving the proper attention, relevance and importance they require, which are in fact the building blocks of our self-creation, the actuality of LIVING the best of ourselves, the actuality of BEING the best of ourselves – yes, acknowledging the downfalls, the ‘off’ moments, but somehow this audio assists with realizing what those OFF moments really are and so, be able to grasp it, identify them and so be able to DO something about it.

I’m more than glad I have this awesome source of support, every time I see scientists, psychologists, sociologists or any other person that still have some certain ‘big questions’ such as how was the universe created? what is consciousness in fact? How do animals think or communicate? How do our bodies relate to our minds? Is there life after death? Etc. I kind of go back to my senses in realizing that Eqafe is not yet broadly known in humanity, yet the information is here. So, I can’t even consider where I would be if I wasn’t aware of all of these things already to get the ‘curiosity’ out of my bag around those topics and focus on things that are right ‘here’ for me to work with.

All I can say is be part of this opportunity and take that step forward not only in getting educated about all-things-life and living, but also dare to take the steps to Live and Apply all the practical support that one can gather from every recording, to be the example of what it means to break free from the ‘programming,’ and! With that, assist not only yourself, but the rest of who we are as life to give a continued expansion to this process of self-awareness, to actually be, become and birth life from the physical.

Ok! I leave this one for you then to ponder about J Sign up for the Eqafe Unlimited  Plan which is an incredible offer to have access to this audio I mentioned and more than 4,000 other titles that you can benefit from learning in virtually every aspect of what it means to be a living being in this existence. So, don’t’ wait any longer! Be part of the real evolution that is very much needed in our world.

 

Thanks for reading

 

breathing being

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


631. Notes on Compromise

 

Compromise:     the expedient acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.

Living compromise in my case has been existent mostly in the consideration of the relationships that I allowed myself to form in the past. Within the starting point of taking it back to self – and so not focusing on the others related to me this way – I realized how this allowance of something ‘less’ than what I could actually create for me and for the best have to do with a sense of self-deprecation and even ‘worthlessness’ that existed in me, wherein any form of relationships would reflect back what I was accepting and allowing with me. So they all were there in my life in accordance to ‘where I was’ in my life and as such, there is nothing to regret about because I’ve come to understand the process that I took in order to realize what I am seeing now.

We had a group chat on Friday where the point of pleasing people opened up. I couldn’t relate at first to pleasing per se, but I did recognize it in relation to how I would do things, shape myself in accordance to what I thought was more liked by others within a relationship. There were a few wherein I didn’t do it, but then compromise would show in other ways such as deciding to be with people that I thought I could eventually change and assist them in getting to some kind of ‘ideal’ expression or living potential – it never happened because of course, my starting point was focused on ‘them’ and not on being the best for myself, of doing and being those aspects I was seeking to change in others – it is common sense that if you are living the best of you, by default you won’t allow anything less than what you are living in terms of choosing who to share your life with.

I am focusing here on relationships because it is that one point we total choose to be in – well, at least it’s how it goes in most part of the world. So here I’m not talking about the necessary compromise that exists in other aspects of life like jobs and ways to make money to survive in this world, it’s merely about how we relate to others in relationships.

The reality is that when one starts living more of one’s truth, everything that doesn’t ‘fit the compromise shoe’ starts sticking out like a rotten fruit that needs to go – or rots the rest of the fruit. It becomes uncomfortable not because it represents a healthy challenge or an out of the comfort zone point of support, but because one realizes it is becoming a suppressing situation, one where there’s more of a ‘relationship management,’ going on, there’s more ‘lacks’ emerging, ‘longings’ and ‘ideas of how things can be’ and more things that ‘subtly bother me but I let it go by because, who knows? Maybe it changes later!’ or those moments where there’s this ‘slight’ seemingly subtle ‘sinking’ whenever one knows that one is not living one’s full expression in order to fit some kind of shoe we believe we ‘must be in’ to be liked or be okay with someone else in a relationship. Or even to ‘be in a relationship’ in itself, while it’s actually totally fine and ok if one genuinely decides to be alone and step out of the belief that ‘one needs to be in a relationship.’

Sometimes this pattern of conditioning and compromise goes well accepted in our society, simply because we believe we ‘can’t do any better’ or we just have to ‘suck the pain in’ and hope for better times. It has been baffling to me to get to know stories of how far women – and yes also males but mostly females in fact – stay in abusive relationships because of believing that they ‘love’ the other person or that without a man they are nothing, or for financial reasons and many kids in line, they have to stick to relationships that are very toxic. I haven’t been in such extreme situations, but I have been in relationships where I know that I am not living the totality of myself, that I am somehow trying to fit a shoe that doesn’t support me in fact – yet I still have put it on while secretly questioning my decision, and being in constant over analyzing of the situation and desiring for certain changes that I then go into hope and expectancy that ‘the other’ person eventually gets to in their lives and so consequently, in the relationship.

 

How I see it currently is that the creation of a relationship that is supportive comes along with ‘where we currently are’ within our lives, comes along with the kind of principles – or lack thereof – we are living in our lives. In essence, the ‘who we are’ is then going to reflect the kind of people we choose to be with. Many of us have gone into relationships out of need, out of wanting to ‘fulfill’ some aspect or some ‘existential void’ with a relationship and that is simply  meant to fail, because one is not entering a relationship as a fulfilled being, but seeking the comfort and dare I say ‘fulfillment’ in another. Well, I’ve been there myself a few times in the past and it’s a recipe for disaster.

There have been other times where I believed I was quite fulfilled within me and didn’t need to be with someone to represent that ‘fulfillment’ for me, but I still allowed myself to be in situations where something inside me knew things could be better, and not in the sense of ‘without conflict at all’ or being ‘better’ in an idealized way, but more in the sense that there is this untapped potential within me that I could in fact develop with someone that could be ‘ready’ for that. So, this is where the point of letting go of compromise comes as an understanding really. It is not about dismissing situations for seeing them as ‘less than’ but perhaps as being in different stages in life where personal development can be either diminished and suppressed or catalyzed in certain relationships or living decisions.

This is also where it enables me to see that if I live what’s best for me, it in fact becomes best for all. I’ve seen how in accepting and allowing compromise in me, it invariably affects the other person and everyone else that could be affected by it, because I’m not living my truth, the potential of who I can be and that becomes a series of diminishing steps that don’t support life in fact.

In terms of relationships, it’s about wanting the best for everyone involved. If a relationship is clearly not supporting someone, if it becomes something that is more about ‘managing’ one or the other, or about seeing ‘what the emotional experience is in the other’ or fearing certain attitudes in one another, or being over-vigilant about what the other one might be thinking, or how things are not working, or how things don’t seem right, or how I ‘should be in order to keep him/her happy’ then what do we know? We are compromising ourselves, we are not living our truth. It’s also about self-honesty and asking these questions not within the starting point of leaving ‘all the work’ to the other, but being honest about doing what it takes to make something work as with everything else.

I can say I have had compromised in every single relationship in the past. I have only now discovered and come to understand what it is to actually live me, be me with all my ups and downs, my qualities and my defects and not have anything to hide towards another, because that’s how I live my truth and now I know there’s people that’s up for taking that in, yes, that ‘intensity’ that I can be in my openness and not having any qualms about things, and how demanding I can also get to be – which yes I know I need to work on, but still, cool to know someone can understand such demanding nature as well. I enjoy the support that I can get from another that has a similar personal stance with his own life so that we don’t take bs from each other lol, it makes things fun and supportive in fact, because we don’t take things so seriously yet we point them out, because we know that our willingness to transcend the momentary bs is far greater than remaining ‘stuck’ in it or in an ‘experience.’

But I realize that as ‘easy’ as it might sound, it isn’t. It’s not like I got lucky only. Everything was a series of decisions that I took to get to where I am within myself to then decide to be with someone that supports the best in me, because this implies I am first doing and being and living that best for me. And also, it is not ‘honey over chips’ in a relationship where no compromise exists in such terms – of course there IS compromise, but it’s things that simply come with the living together of two individuals and what one is willing to live with – but to me the aspects that are relevant in relation to personal integrity, living habits and expression, are a supportive platform for me to live on currently.

It is only now that I can look back and see to what extent I ‘went’ to be liked, appreciated, to ‘fit in’ according to what I believe would make the relationship work, what I was willing to do in order to ‘make things work’ etc. The list goes on and the details are not even relevant because it is about the action, this ‘lesser of me’ being accepted where I know I ‘chip off’ a bit of myself and in that, it becomes a point of compromise.

Who knows if I am speaking from a place where I can still be living compromise and not be aware of it? But as I said before, I will eventually know as I continue deconstructing this personality system within me and continue focusing on self-development and self-creation. For now this is my current stance and I found it relevant to share about it because perhaps someone is going through similar experiences, having thoughts like ‘this is as as good as it gets’ when it comes to relationships, but I am now aware that you can indeed be with someone that is there ‘walking with’ side by side with you, instead of feeling like one or the other has to ‘drag’ the other to get to the top of the mountain. I did that in the past, but can’t also judge me for my choices because as I said, they reflect who I was at the time and that’s how I can now simply look back and forgive myself for it, because I know it is entirely ‘who I was’ in relation to ‘relationships’ at the time.

For now, I see that there is a foundation built for me to be the best of myself and a relationship can’t be ‘it’ for anyone. It is a companionship, but the rest is entirely up to me. Before I would take the relationship in itself as ‘the project’ to focus on, and it doesn’t have to be that way, that I don’t have to accept compromise, to have that ‘sinking’ feeling when being with someone, to fear losing someone, to fear not ‘being the best’ with another or to be in all kinds of fears and paranoia of ‘where they are at’ in their minds and lives, or expecting others to change. It then becomes another burden or ‘point to work through’ rather than being a platform of self-support and self-development.  It becomes much easier to be with someone that has a similar standing in life, because then the focus is on the mutual support to learn from each other, live and grow – not on managing ever present emotions or subtle experiences and frictions… Now I see how it feels to be living in compromise, and perhaps one can only realize one is living compromise when you step out of it and look back to realize how such compromise existed. At the same time I’m learning to focus on the present, on what’s here, on what I can be grateful for creating for me in my life and choosing essentially that which is supportive for my being.

It is ok to realize that not everyone can simply ‘bond’ with someone else based on preferences or similar mindset. Now I realize that perhaps it is the seemingly opposite worlds that complement themselves the most, because it’s not about having similar preferences, but principles, not similar personalities but similar disposition to learn and change in order to make something work like it is within a relationship. It is another kind of compromise, with ‘concessions’ where acceptances and allowances are made on both sides, in aspects that do not affect the main principles in which a relationship is built on, but adjustments that are meant to be there based on living with another person and embracing them as part of your life.

It takes two to tango, can’t expect things to work if only one is having the disposition… or perhaps it can, it really depends on what each person is willing to live with – accept and allow – I now know what is possible and what I see works best for me. This is what self honesty is, this is where I can’t make rules of this, because this is my current truth and stance – who knows? It can change in time, but for now I check within me and I’m clear, I have nothing holding me back in relation to the place where I’m at in terms of my life within a relationship – it’s the other way around for me at the moment, learning a lot each other, it is as if I at last I have the opportunity to be supported by another in a genuine way, instead of placing me on the supporter role only. Perhaps this is also a perception, but! I also have to be less apologetic in the sense of not wanting to sound ‘too dismissive’ – it is what it is really – and if it is best for me and others, I am sure this is what we all want for each other person, to be able to live their truth and be the best they can be no matter how or with whom. So this is also a cool note about compromise, where we believe that we are doing something ‘good’ for another by sticking with them even if that implies not being the best for ourselves…. Wrong… that invariably leads to their compromise as well one way or another, so best for all means, not accepting any lesser that what is possible for each one at any given moment in life.

 

There are a bunch of other things where I know I am compromising myself as in not living the best of myself and that’s where instead of focusing on ‘the lack’ I will be focusing on how to create, otherwise it again becomes a point to ‘fulfill’ through something/someone in separation of me.

 

Ok thanks for reading Sonrisa 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

 

 


630. #EqafeDiscovery: The All Encompassing Word

And the cookie-dough theory

The way I wanted to start writing this blog out was with a form of disclaimer about how this writing might sound a bit too ‘out there’ and how it may be a bit too ‘conceptual’ in nature, as a way to control the way that I believe it will go, to have a ‘handle’ of it. Well, I was in essence going to play out what I am about to share here.

I was listening to a podcast and the guest in it shared how he tends to be quite intense with things, he talks in a passionate manner about what he’s been through in life and how he takes on his life sounds the same way. But, that means he also takes things quite ‘to the heart’ as in very personal or creates heavy emotions or feelings about just anything. I can relate to being the kind of ‘intense’ person in essence as well, but the interviewer explained how also using judgment like that can be a way to control things, to have a ‘grasp’ on something, to kind of dominate it or believe we ‘know exactly what we are and what we are not’ and ‘what we are dealing with’ as a form of control. This got stuck in my mind and I said to myself ‘I have to write about that topic.’

This is an essential aspect of language itself. I keep going back to the cookie-dough theory that I created when I was studying linguistics. It’s about conceiving the realm of all things that exist as a one-single-whole, it’s life itself as I understand it and that is basically the broadest word I know that can define everything that is and exists, everything that is ‘here’. Some others may call it god or nature or ‘the whole’ or even ‘higher forces’– so for practical purposes let’s consider the analogy of life being this ‘wholeness’ as cookie dough. Then there was the emergence of ourselves as beings –even before we were humans – and our first expression came out of a desire to be more, to create some kind of ‘exciting experience’ that led this one part of the whole to separate from the rest of the whole. There, ‘the whole’ became ‘two’ and what happened with these two is that they saw themselves as different entities. They could not recognize that what they were seeing was themselves as well, because they could not see themselves…. They believed they were ‘different’ and so judged themselves as that. Bam! That’s the first moment of separation and what emerged from there was the definition of ‘who the other one is’ – a judgment which, for this case, can be basically any word used to ‘define’ what the other one is or isn’t.

Part of this cookie-dough analogy entails also considering that we as the beings and expressions that ‘came out of’ the cookie dough in itself, created these cookie-cutters as words, expressions that could encompass, hold or contain a part of that cookie dough that became a meaning in itself, an ‘identifiable’ expression, a thing, an action, a part of this ‘wholeness’ in order to be able to grasp it, to name it, to comprehend it, to communicate and so to live or do those words that we defined and created. Matter as life itself as the ‘cookie dough’ got cut in multiple ways that we defined through our minds, through the cookie-cutters that we forged or shaped ourselves.

To me this has been the way to realize how words became double-edged swords. They became both the tools and at the same time the ‘weapons,’ they could be used for virtually any purpose that we would define and decide them to be. That’s how as it is said ‘words are innocent’ and it is us that have defined how they are lived.

The world we are living reveals the nature of who we became as the forgers of these cookie-cutters, the way that we defined life expressions beginning with how we formed opinions and judgments as the way that we relate to each other from the primordial times of the emergence of life as we know it. We started defining, naming, judging and with that entirely consecrating the division of ‘who we are’ as seemingly completely separate individuals that ‘in no way’ could ‘ever’ be in fact one and equal…. Because we created an experience of disliking ‘the other,’ we judged ‘the other’ as inferior, as not good enough, as bad, as ‘the worst’ – or we went to the opposite realm of ‘desiring what the other had’ – at least as we believed it to be. In any case, words have been used to solidify our separation, both towards others but also within ourselves.

To me this has been an essential realization to understand the importance of being very specific in how I word myself, and how this ‘Me’ that I conceptualize as my story, as who I am and how I relate to others is in fact one expression of the whole that I have separated myself from. It’s essential for me to remind myself how we’ve gotten ‘very lost’ forgetting that we are in fact all equal and one, we are made of the same life, we are just existing in a multiplicity of forms and ways to the point that we’ve forgotten where we come from.

It of course now seems a bit naïve for me to even look at the possibility of us being able to realize this ‘today’ and live in fact ‘together as one’ as some songs have dreamed of. It is worth considering this, but I am quite realistic about the situation we are living in at the moment in our world and what I see is the prominent polarization, extremism and confrontation of all of the innumerable ways we have separated ourselves from through these very judgments, opinions and definitions that ‘separate us’ or ‘identify us’ in separation from others.

We are seeing the inevitable conflicts, confrontations, wars and constant tension and fighting that is being created now as we face all of those judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions we have held towards one another throughout the entirety of our existence. In essence it is a relevant thing for me to remind myself that we may have different shapes and colors on top, but we are essentially all made of the same dough, of the same life, we have just separated ourselves from each other in all these various forms to the point where we’ve forgotten that we are in fact ‘one and equal.’

Why do I find it useful to remind myself of this in times like today? I keep track of the global events mostly at a political and social level – and what’s currently visible is how the differences that we can see ‘on the surface’ are more prevalent than ever today and causing a serial form of ‘outrage’ in everyone without a second thought to even consider what I just explained above. It baffles me how bad things can get when people get defined with their cookie-cutter shape and forget the essence of who we all are as life, as humans in this case. I realize how we have wrongly ‘empowered’ ourselves through words, not using them to flourish and give birth to life – as we practice with Living Words – but how we have used them to do the opposite, to destroy life in all forms and ways. This is our current truth, and we can change it, but takes self-work to do that.

Sure some might consider that we’ve been always on war, always killing each other, always separating ourselves according to races, political ideologies, genders, sexual and any other form of preferences, religions, etc. However! Not many are aware of or could conceive that all of those identity labels are opinions, are judgments and they will eventually have to be realized as such to stop this seemingly endless charade. Sure, it might not take a few generations only, but it needs to start right here, right now because the process is in motion and it’s here to stay, no matter how long it takes.

Process is precisely that decision that life itself has taken in its utmost expression to no longer accept and allow separation, to bring through the expression of life itself in a way that is self-supportive no longer bound to ways, systems and forms that are meant to control – in the negative connotation of the word – life. Control is not something bad in itself though, as a word it is useful, for example we have to have control of our bodies to function properly. I see it more as a direction that we take on, but currently, we are just playing out the ‘play’ of separation, of deception, of conflict, of essentially perceiving ‘the others’ as separate from ourselves. That is a form of control that is perpetuated through judgment. And it is not only ‘externalized’ towards others, but it exists within ourselves, and it’s been there from the very moment of our primordial separation… that’s how far ‘mind control’ goes in fact.  

We have allowed ourselves to make it normal to judge ourselves by our character – the ways and personalities we have or don’t’ have – and our bodies, in terms of the shapes, forms, colors it may have and we make of it a ‘big deal’ to concern us about that, in terms of how we believe ‘others will see us’ and how they will judge us.

word

n   noun: a single distinct meaningful element of speech or writing, used to form sentences with others.

 

judgement (also judgment)

n   noun: the ability to make considered decisions or form sensible opinions. Øan opinion or conclusion.

 

 

 

 

Emitting a judgment is then not a ‘bad’ thing per se, but it is so that currently based on our – for the most part – lack of proper education or lack of awareness on these basic principles of how we are in fact one and equal, we have come to disregard the life that we are in all its forms and how we relate to everything-else-that-is-ourselves-too in ways that are for the most part degrading, inferiorizing, deprecating, and the list goes on. In essence, we haven’t learned or weren’t taught How to LIVE words that are supportive, that nurture one’s life, that consider the life of others-that-are-me-as-well in the same way, because… we just conveniently ‘forgot’ who we really are as one and equal, as a whole that is an expression of Life itself. It is seemingly ‘easier’ to fight wars than work on an inner-process to create self-responsibility and honor the life that we are equal-to-each-other.

I know this is nothing new, it’s been written in many sacred books in various ways and in different philosophies throughout time, but strangely so, it has remained as some kind of ‘unified theory’ and holistic view of life that appears to be ‘way out there’ and has not been made practical, feasible and realistically doable – dare I say until now. This has created a seemingly ‘comfortable separation’ between all of those wise words pronounced by various philosophers, thinkers or prophets throughout history, and we’ve caged them into books of ‘religious doctrines’ or ‘quack theories’ that we have relegated to oblivion, but never really learned how to make the whole set of wise words and advices something practical.

Why am I so passionate to always go back to this ‘beginning of existence’ type of topics? Because this is something that I somehow ‘knew’ as a little girl and got confirmed of it through studying the Eqafe.com audios that explain the history of existence, all the material at Desteni, Heaven’s Journey To Life (read at least the 100 first posts that describe all aspects on this topic) and everything that Bernard Poolman shared to the public, which is not a ‘light read’ but by life itself, it’s been the one source of understanding that I am again eternally grateful to be aware of because as I was saying, it was soothing for me to know that that which I felt or acted on at some level was in fact a reality.

As a child I had some ‘weird’ ways of being such as not wanting to hit things because I considered they could feel as well, I wasn’t ‘mean’ to other people or thought bad about them because I cared about other children by imagining what it would be to be ‘them’ as well. I would get very sad and depressed as a child upon seeing that some children would not behave that way towards me… and starting to recognize evil in humanity and so how it played out in reality became a source of existential anguish that I tried to understand for many years by deliberately creating my own forms of ‘understanding’ what led people to act and behave in certain ways, including myself eventually as I reached my teenage years and I saw myself creating desires that I wanted to fulfill and would clash in an explosive manner with my parents. Yet, I wanted to know ‘why’ we were all so lost, so hopeless and helpless…. And yes I went through several routes as philosophies, books, spiritualties and religions until I essentially stopped on my tracks when I got to listen to the Desteni message on January 30th 2008, a memorable date in my life that would forever change who I am, for the best.

The message of oneness and equality, as ‘euphemistic’ and ‘ethereal’ it may sound, to me it means the comprehension of who I am as part of this world, why I am here and what we are doing in this process is precisely to turn the tables from the mess we’ve made of ourselves – consequently of life itself – and to direct ourselves, to deliberately change our ways so that we can become ‘whole’ again. This doesn’t mean or imply that everyone will be holding hands as we run through the fields in an everlasting happiness…. This means simply being able to be a human being that considers that it IS possible to be the best that you can in whatever you do and wherever you are and with whomever you are around and from that, if everyone lives this: we go in fact shaping the new forms of living, the new expressions, using the words that express life itself, that expresses that ‘best version of ourselves’ that we know we currently aren’t, yet we know the potential is here, because we all can see what is currently very wrong in our world or at least the aspects that are causing conflicts and what everyone would want in order for all of us to live at a relative and acceptable peace.

It’s all the judgments, the imposition of opinions through charged adjectives that we believe ‘we are’ that separates us. This is a very ‘simplistic’ way of putting it, but it is in fact so… it is so that it is THAT silly to realize what we are in fact fighting and killing ourselves for something that exists merely in our minds as words made judgments, turned into weapons and deprecating words.

Is it difficult to live this realization? It is at times hard to see people getting lost in all sorts of separation and division – all words that lead to actions that perpetuate this separation. It baffles me, but now I create an understanding about it so as to remind myself in a simple moment of all of this that I’ve realized and understood throughout the years, so that I no longer get angry or sad about it. I also slip out of myself at times and get into the realm of separation through opinions, judgments, fears, ideas I create about others and that I speak and act on.  And at the same time, I’ve learned to not judge myself for it, because I know how deep this ‘conditioning’ goes, I am aware this has become the most ingrained way to ‘be’, that’s how it takes a deliberate decision to recognize any mistake or fall and from there to deliberately decide to correct myself in relation to it, to change myself and ‘my ways’ to become a more life-encompassing being.

Encompassing is a cool word as I see it, it embraces, it holds, it contains the whole, it also contains the word ‘compass’ as a direction that I can consider every time that I get lost in separation. It also sounds like compassion which I’ve also recently decided to redefine as a consideration, an understanding, and so this is also pertinent to remind myself whenever I get ‘lost in my ways’ essentially. To consider the whole, to put it simply.

The first time that I heard the series ‘The Secret History of the Universe’ it was like a revelation I have been waiting to understand, it was like a ‘Eureka’ moment for me, and from there it was like taking a soothing aid for my soul so to speak, I’m not even joking about this. I bring through to my awareness the essential aspects that I got from listening to this series in order to remind myself of who we really are and where we are going – I do this whenever I seem to get ‘lost in the mind’ and in certain experience. I especially do this whenever I read the multiple forms of judgments, bullying, calling names, complaining, blaming and the list goes on of words and declarations going on in our world through media and social media today. It too is part of revealing ourselves to each other, I remind myself that we have to bring through the common sense through it, but I also realize that it will take time for the mess to be sorted out, because we are currently in the ‘explosive’ face so to speak. It’s not a happy ride, but it’s a necessary phase, this is the real face of the revelation, the apocalypse as many called it. This is it! Seeing our truth through our words, thoughts and deeds.

This process is the only way with which I’ve been able to ‘soothe my existential pain’ and the series I mentioned above was one of the reasons for it, so I recommend it as an essential part of one’s self.-awareness process. I even suggest making notes, perhaps little drawings that assist in understanding it. I decided to make a photo back then to point out the obvious and what seemed like a very big ‘duh!’ moment for me J

Enjoy this and many other series on Eqafe currently available through the amazing opportunity that the Eqafe Unlimited  plan brings… as I always say, it will change your life if you dare to live the realizations you get from all the material there.

That’s it! Enjoy these audios that speak of the specific moments that got me to have this ‘Eureka’ moment:


Separation is just a concept

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


629. What I’ve learned about Self-Punishment

 

The previous blog I wrote about Self-Devaluation and The Body contained one aspect that I’d like to focus on in this blog, because I merely mentioned them summarily as self-aggression and how I called it self-flagellation. This is about in fact the concept of self-punishment and what one can ‘gain’ from it – yes, as ‘weird’ as it may sound initially.

Part of the Unlocking yourself process that I described in my previous blog is to open up to consider other people’s views, perspectives and ways of approaching a situation, which can be very enlightening and it’s been the case when taking on this subject to our group chats at Destonians.com. Last Wednesday, we discussed “What do we stand to gain from self punishment?” and it was eye opening to get to know the many ways that people can understand and see this point of self-punishment and how it is lived, why it is lived and the constructs or beliefs behind it that lead us to do such a thing to ourselves. 

I bring through something that Leila shared which was “it’s like we rule through punishment/sin instead of compassion/forgiveness” and that’s part of the points for me to take on and integrate as a realization, because upon judging myself, the idea is that I have to feel bad, feel tense, feel anxious, feel ‘within an upheaval’ about it, IS already a form of punishment as well. We’ve allowed ourselves to be wired in a way where we fixated more on the problems rather than focusing on the solutions. Self Forgiveness is the way to Understand the situation that we participated in, take responsibility in it and lay out the foundation to change, to live the correction and solutions.

But! Even if I thought I was doing this, the reality of my situation has proven me that one aspect of morality kept me blind from realizing that I wasn’t in fact self-forgiving and letting go for real, and that prevented me from Living forgiveness, which is living the ways in which I see is best for me in my current experience and life decisions – not hooking on fears of the past of what I did or didn’t do.  Therefore compassion I can redefine as being understanding of the situation, not being hard on myself, being able to also stand in the shoes of whoever is involved and not feel ‘bad’ about it because feeling ‘bad’ doesn’t sort anything out either, while also realizing that I can only focus on changing me and being the best that I can for me and those currently around me.

She also expressed there: “and punishment can be taken quite ‘broad’ — any type of tension or discomfort you create, why  do we punish ourselves with anxiety, what do you stand to gain from it? what do you fear more than anxiety that you wouldn’t give up your anxiety? do we fear freedom?”  And that is in fact THE point that I had to realize which is eye opening and a point of self-honesty: it isn’t nice or beautiful because it does create an awareness of ‘WTF why have I done this to myself? And the reality is that ultimately, in my case the whole reason why I reacted in this form of self-punishment is because of a belief that feeling bad and sorry would make ME seem like a ‘better person,’ someone that ‘cares’ because of how I have defined ‘care’ as ‘worry’ – when it should definitely Not be that of course – and as if I could ‘clear my sins’ through punishment; I could see the traces of religious constructs there as I explained in the chat too.

But beyond that, the ultimate point is exactly about our freedom, our actual ability to be self-directive, to take one’s authority to create, to have a blank slate of creation, instead of focusing on ‘the past’ and ‘what is there to Fix-Ate on’ or ‘feel bad about.’

This is ultimately one the big habits I’ve seen within me and that I have observed in others related to me genetically. It is as if ‘something had to be happening all the time’, something that is wrong, or something to ‘feel bad about’ and if one realizes that one is creating that, then it’s as if everything can suddenly be stopped.  The canvas of self-creation is unveiled and emerges for us to walk on. And because we actually don’t decide to act to live words, to focus on self-creation, we– by habit, by patterns and by ingrained acceptance and allowance –  bit by bit, step by step, allowance by allowance, just ‘roll back’ to the commonly ‘accepted forms’ of existing, which are mostly related to being in perpetual forms of emotional or feeling experiences, fear for the most part being ‘the mother of all other reactions’ like anxiety, sadness, depression, anger, guilt, shame, remorse… you name it. It is an energetic experience that as BAD as it can get within our bodies and the effects it creates within it, we keep blindly participating in it, creating any other form of story to give ourselves an excuse to almost ‘keep ourselves busy with’ trying to kind of remake a puzzle that is already framed and hanging on the wall, it is that useless to keep living in fear related to past issues – but not limited to the past for sure.

The story that I told myself to justify living in such self-punishment is ‘having to pay for something I did’ and so, having to suffer in a way to ‘demonstrate’ that I cared or that I wasn’t too ‘cold blooded’ about things. Lol when in fact I could have lived it in a more sensible manner by genuinely introspecting and forgiving myself for it and embracing my ‘mistakes’ and move on with my life.  I created what I am experiencing at a physical level, and embracing that realization is a rather ‘uncomfortable truth’ that I had to process for a couple of days until I realized that reacting in sadness about it or anger towards myself is yet another way to keep ‘burying me alive’ so to speak, because any other distress or fear or judgment causes further oppression, tension and damage to my body, to OUR bodies.

The best way is to simply acknowledge it, almost like nodding to it and taking it in humbly to really realize that: I truly now have to let go, stop punishing myself, stop causing all of this dis-ease within me, this discomfort and ultimately this habit/addiction of worry and preoccupation to focus on my self-creation.  So far been applying this since I got ‘hands on’ for it these past couple of weeks and it’s been going good.

That question Leila posed ‘do we fear freedom?’ is a very, very relevant one because I’ve seen time and time again within me and others how it’s seemingly ‘easier’ to keep focusing on feeling bad, feeling emotional about things and believing one can’t ‘sort it out’ unless we are ‘given the green light’ by something or someone out there and because that won’t ever happen, it’s as if we just keep waiting for ourselves to truly let the ‘punishment’ go and lift up our own veils – which we have placed upon ourselves – and walk out in freedom.

There are some lyrics that I’ve been appreciating lately in Mexican music, and one song says “we are like prisoners and we think like prisoners’ and it talks about how we are ‘pulled by forces’ that seem to take us ‘wherever they go’ and have no self-direction. It is in fact the prisoner mentality that I was in, and it is through understanding how I came to create this, how I decided to ‘label’ my actions and how I decided to react to them – based on these constructs of morality and what seemed like reasonable to do ‘at the eyes of others’ – defined my experience in relation to this situation.

What happens once that one is done sorting through the repetitive ‘inner conflict’ about any point or experience – no matter how big or how subtle it may be – is that what is left is an open path to genuinely Live and be in all authority for self-creation.  The reality that I see is prevalent within us human beings is that, it’s ‘seems’ easier for us all to talk about the problems that are happening in the world, in how this or that politician is a corrupt or not or how things seem to be just ‘going nowhere’ but have no proposal to be participating in changing the tides that we’ve been ‘imprisoning’ ourselves into for far too long. It is a form of self-punishment as well because it recreates the problems, it just spreads the sense of despair as if nothing could be done about it. What I do then is to focus back on what needs to be looked at which is self-education, the values, the principles, the common sense as what’s best for all that is needed to be understood and lived and so, the need for parents to have these principles to educate their children too.

I would certainly want more people to become aware of this. I’ve been going to certain therapy and I can hear people around me constantly worrying about this or that pain. I have a genuinely good example in my life of what it is to be healthy in a very round sense of the word by NOT participating in any form of energy-trips related to any form of reaction, basically not participating in fear. My partner is that person and through my interactions with him my ‘habitual’ antsy patterns fueled by all kinds of seemingly ‘usual’ fears – no matter how ‘subtle’ or big they are – have been exposed to the nth degree. I can even say that my whole ‘self-punishment’ deal is a way for me to have that as a ‘constant point to be dealing with’ as an excuse to not deal with the very real and very present opportunities I have to break through those – yes – very ingrained habits (read addiction) that I had defined as ‘normal’. It has been through his constant feedback that I realized how much I can be in fact TENSE and fearing and worrying.

This is another aspect that pertains to my personality. I can be a very ‘intense’ person. This has its pros and cons. I can be a very intense person in a ‘good’ way so to speak wherein I can be very passionate and diligent and walk firm decisions in what I do and how I live it. But I can also be very Intense as in literally being IN-Tension about just anything that I may accept and allow myself to be worrying about or preoccupying myself with. This is precisely where the kind of person I am is basically also formed through the ‘learned ways’ I adopted from people around me. This has to do with being commonly worried, being rather dramatic about things, and it’s funny because I often would get annoyed and irritated by what I perceived as ‘dramatic people’ but, I’ve been seeing how I am precisely that. And this whole pattern of self punishment is a consequence of taking things TOO intensely. My partner helps me out to become aware of this by joking about it lol I then laugh and realize what I’m doing. But as I’ve said so before, I can’t go through life depending on him letting me know what I’m fixating on as a worry point.

I was talking with my cousin yesterday and we talked about driving cars. I have no intent to drive because I was involved in a car crash and even if I was not the driver, I took that as an excuse to create fear. I still again feel the fear as I write this and the same goes with bicycles and relating it back to an accident I had 10 years ago. These fears ‘gnaw’ me because I am over vigilant when being in a car or even when seeing people driving bikes on car lanes. I must admit that thoughts of the car crashes come up when I’m riding with someone in a car and even more so go into a rather intense reaction whenever we may come to any ‘close’ point to crashing. I get agitated and I Know I can change it and it IS a matter of perception and deciding to no longer exist in fear about something that happened some time ago already.

Something that I’ve been telling myself in those moments when being in a car – not driving – is one of the principles that my partner lives by. I tested it out the other day to see if it assisted me to deal with these fears while being in a car and that is ‘always expecting the best of everything and everyone.’ What comes to mind is…. Well that’s disingenuous, we KNOW people are not all good, we know there’s evil, we know shit can happen!! Etc. but even in that response, there I already ‘revamped’ all the sources of fear that can mainly exist in any given moment in one’s daily life, regardless of even defining certain activities as ‘dangerous’ or potentially harmful. The other day while driving in the back of a car and noticing the driver was speeding a bit, I noticed the fears coming up again and this time I breathed and reminded myself: expect the best of the situation. And that was supportive but I do honestly need to work more on grounding myself to reality in those moments and learning to not participate in the ‘what if’ fears.

I realize that I can’t also be externalizing these fears every single time I am driving with someone in a car, because that’s not really the point as I then implant the fear and idea in the other person that’s driving. This is about me practically letting go of ‘worst case scenarios’ which have become a way to ‘spike’ my mind into a reaction in any given situation. And yes this is not only when it comes to cars, but also when crossing streets and dealing with any form of traffic. Can I continue living that way? No.

Even in walking I am extra cautious, extra vigilant and perhaps there’s tension accumulating because the background to that hyper-vigilance is fear of cars as well.

So as I was saying, my cousin said with a big smile ‘well you just have to stop fearing driving a car and that’s it!’ like taking it very lightly. The back of my mind could have reacted like ‘oh it’s so easy to say it!’ because that would be a way to revamp all the reasons and justifications of ‘why I should remain in fear of cars and driving’ and that would mean being free to actually perhaps take the steps to be ‘free from fear.’ The simplicity with which she took the whole thing amazed me, the solution seemed simple and it really is! The ‘hook’ that keeps me ‘hooked on fear’ is made out of reasons, excuses and justifications of why I should remain in fear, and that’s in fact a point of self-limitation that I’m holding on to, no matter how ‘bad’ or ‘credible’ my inner-stories are: IF they are causing any form of tension, discomfort, fear or even anxiety as it’s been happening around that topic, Then I have to let go of it. It is as simple as that, and yes it may be challenging due to how I have also been ‘justifying’ these fears in terms of how there are some reckless people driving on the streets, or how ‘badly’ some people may drive, on how everyone speeds, on how many people die in car crashes and yes, I could spiral myself out of control and really bury myself with all kinds of fears around driving or being in a car… but that’s not the way to exist.

I even realized that one of my last videos on YouTube was about walking through that fear of driving and even if I was getting to enjoy the driving in the lessons, then the crash came and I crawled back into my shell of fearing driving or cars in general and I feel somewhat stuck in a rut about it, because I haven’t been able to transcend that fear. Huge limitation, yes. Do I have the willingness to sort it out? There are other factors around that. Perhaps if the car was available, I would, but it’s not, so for now I leave it at the point of focusing on precisely letting go of punishing myself with the ‘bad memories’ around cars and walk through it. I get somewhat jealous of people that have been involved in crashes were they have been injured, perhaps even badly, yet, they keep at it. What do ‘they’ have that I don’t have? The decision to live without fear.

Now, someone else commented in that group chat about living without any fear… and that’s something that sounds to me like a constant ‘battle’ against fear as if ‘fear itself’ was the problem. To me it’s not so. Fears can also be a real indication of aspects that we have to take into consideration, to have basic common sense in how we act or do certain actions, that’s basically precaution. For example the Mexicans that got killed on Friday by a gas pipeline explosion were possibly ‘fearless’ in stealing fuel because of how ‘habitual’ it had become to them to the point where possibly one of them decided to ‘lit up a ciggy’ in the meantime and forgetting about the hazardous task they were involved in. Point is: not about living ‘without fear’ but definitely learning HOW to live in the way that one can handle things the best possible way, handling the results or consequences if things go awry, learn from the mistakes and genuinely live the saying ‘life goes on!’ and move on.

These fears that I’ve mentioned here and in the past blogs have been crippling me to say the least, not only mentally but physically. The point is that they didn’t seem ‘that bad’ but have been quite present in a constant basis and that’s how the cup got filled drop by drop so to speak. Something that I want to change is precisely being the paranoid person that I see I have become. And yes I can see how this may come as learned habits even from both of my parents, and I’m witnessing how it has affected their physical body as well to live like that…. And I also have a living example  as my partner of what it is to live without this paranoid-type of fear, and to see that it is possible, and to see how a body can exist in a rather good stability when a person decides to live without fears and taking risks and finding that whatever outcome it may bring, it is part of what life is about.

Going through life with fear is yes, the most basic form of self-punishment I can identify, because we do it to ourselves. I early on in this blog wrote about all of us practicing cannibalism, all of us humans, because we consume our physical body every single time that we think in a reactive or emotional – or feeling – way.  This is the most essential form of self-punishment, self-flagellation, self-inflicted harm or ‘eating yourself up’ in a rather literal way. I became aware of this through the education I’ve gotten through Eqafe.com and it’s about time that I tackle this very ‘primal’ way of existing which is that of fear and paranoia in the seemingly most ‘subtle’ yet ever present manners.

Letting go of this fear-habit is perhaps an addiction that I had yet to pin point and decide to work on, because of all the reasons, ideas and excuses I had allowed within me to ‘hold on’ to such fears, as if the fear, the emotional reactions or the paranoia could fix or prevent anything in reality, or ‘handle’ the situation better. They do NOT, Ever.

This leads me to look at another topic I wanted to write about which is precisely how I got to identify my ‘personality’ as Intense and how some people seem to be more naturally ‘chilled’ or stable- but not in a suppressed chilled manner where the discomfort at times simply ‘resonates’ or ‘oozes out’ from someone that ‘seems to be’ o ‘appears’ to be quite cool, calm and collected – but may be in fact be a way to suppress or hide insecurities, fears or any other reaction. I’m talking about the chillness that I’ve seen in a few people I’ve met throughout my life that portray a seemingly ‘impossible’ way of being for me. As they come through my mind and I see them and their attitudes, they live words like patience, calm, equanimity, taking it easy, being quite grounded and present, being relaxed and having a general presence of chillness about whatever they have to face or confront. One of them is my uncle who had a very serious car crash a few years ago… they both could have died and their car was full loss, but they were simply happy to be alive and of course he keeps driving and is one of the people that I believe goes through life ‘letting it go by’ so to speak… not carelessly but simply going with the flow if ‘shit happens’ so to speak, always focusing on ‘well we are alive and that’s what matters’ when seemingly bad things happen to him and his family. Whereas I projected myself being in that and kind of car crash and how I would react and use that as a way to justify some form of chronic anxiety or petrification around cars… well that would be the end of me certainly. And this is also not something I could think of doing consciously, but I have lived this very thing in a more subtle way based on what I shared above.

So, I have the living examples of people that have been through ‘worse situations’ than mine and have no fear to go back to driving or riding cars. I have the example of my father saying ‘I don’t’ regret anything’ as he goes through some of the stories of what he’s lived through in his life and at times, the ‘big mistakes’ he made that took him real money and time to recover from. He learned, he got stronger from them, he doesn’t hold the situation or other people involved in it ‘at fault’ or ‘in blame.’

These are all decision to live that I take a living lesson from. There’s also my partner whom I am quite grateful for because he’s put up with this ‘opening’ of this admittance of fears and self-created emotional reactions in me that are here for me to face and it’s for the best, because the moment is ‘ripe’ to see this through, even if facing some physical consequences, this can be a learning point for me to also then remind myself of how much I burden myself, my physical body, with all the literally useless indulgence in my mind as fears and reactions and what ifs and projections and worries and….. All that trash needs to be taken out.

I mostly decide to approach this as a quitting of a habit, an addiction. I’ve seen how ‘addicted to conflict’  as human beings we are, well perhaps many of us, and I even shared other examples of how we are addicted to sharing and giving likes to people presenting conflicts, we almost ‘rejoice’ in some kind of bad news or conflict going on between people, or pointing out the faults in others… but how much attention does a post or process of self-creation, self-support gets? Not many, but the tides are changing and I root for that change in how we support each other’s process of self-change as well.

It’s about letting go of the habit, the addiction to fear, to drama, to anxiety, to have something to constantly be ‘worrying’ about or ‘fearing’ or future-projecting about. I truly want to commit myself to be a different person with the person that I am relating the most currently which is my partner, so that I can stop repeating myself about all of these ‘subtle fears’ and worries that I bring up in our conversations. So I take it on to remind myself of expecting the best, which is not in a way thinking positively or being disingenuous about the reality of things, but as a way to focus on what normally unfolds in a rather predictable and stable way, and how even if things come up that are unexpected or not the way we planned or simply go wrong, I can also learn to go with the flow of it and take the best route to walk it, perhaps sorting it out, perhaps facing with continued consequences, it will all depend on the context.

 Another nice ‘principle’ that my partner holds as part of his ‘pillars’ to exits is ‘everything will be fine at the end, and if it is not, then one knows it’s not the very end yet.’ I take this in a very existential way though, in a way realizing that things may continue ‘flying up’ around us, things falling apart, cans of worms being opened up everywhere, going through distress, drastic changes in our lives within and without. I see it as part of our process in order for the new to emerge, for which the old must go and we are witnessing that at a global scale in many ways, some seem quite drastic and alarming, some others not as much but equally significant and equally part of the same process of existential change.  This is again WHY I emphasize on the importance of getting to understand the ins and outs of self-creation and existential creation, so that one can have a grasp of ‘how things really’ work and learn to trust ourselves as life by Living as Life as what’s best for all no matter ‘what.’ This is the only genuine way to go through whatever things we may experience in our lives and so, instead of reacting in all kinds of self-punishy ways like fear, anxiety, worry, anger, blame etc.… to best practice understanding and cooperating with being and becoming that which we CAN in fact direct and be the authority of, which is ourselves, to be and do what is best in the situation for us and for everyone involved.

For all of this, there’s Eqafe.com to explain it all and I must now honor that source of education and information and live what I’ve learned from there to no longer allow myself to fall prey to my own ‘reasons and justifications’ to exist in any form of self-inflicted harm, abuse, punishment or tension. I now redefine living intensity as the force that I know is within me as the life that I am – and that has been ‘on the waiting’ – to grow out, to be liberated from the self-created yoke of the fears and justifications, to live that passion to apply myself in these very ‘basic’ aspects such as not allowing myself to participate in these kinds of paranoid fears and worst-case scenario situations that come up in my day to day and trusting in myself as life to recover and get well from the consequences I’ve created now that I have realized and seen firsthand the effects of participating in, essentially – and excuse me for my words – my own self-created mind fuck. Let’s call things for what they are!

I thank everyone that participated in that chat and Leila for providing her insights that reminded me of all of these things that I was ‘aware’ of at a knowledge level – through the self-support and educational material at Eqafe.com – but ‘conveniently’ forgot about. Now it IS time to step into self-creation and that’s where the white canvas is and where my focus and attention will be on deciding to live in an equanimous way – yes that is quite the challenge for me as I write it, but challenge taken! – to live my intensity in a balanced way, to yes be intense in expression for self-creation, for all things that are beneficial for me – but no longer take things ‘too heavy on the heart’ as they say. To not take things SO damn seriously all the time – yes things and life are a serious matter BUT I tend to definitely be ‘too intense’ in the seriousness where it becomes a source of affliction and that has to be changed because CARING is not the same as WORRYING about things.

Genuine care is then to support myself first to breathe and slow down whenever I am experiencing any form of ‘spike’ in my heart beat and feel the pulse elevating because of one single thought that crossed my mind. I then live the commitment to be diligent about not leaving these thoughts ‘go by’ but take them on, self-forgive them because I realize they are the result and consequence of having entertained too many ‘righteous’ constructs of why I should be fearful about this or that – and remind myself that fear can’t ever be supportive when it comes to creating anxiety or any other emotion within me. Then, I rather live precaution instead of fear, for that is a reasonable way to consider reality and its potential outcomes, while also being aware that I am not able to ‘prevent’ life unfolding and all the various factors in it, but I am able to face any outcome the best way that I can, trusting myself in being able to act the best way that I can, and that means not portraying a face of strength and composure as if nothing happened all the time, but simply being able to trust myself in facing the momentary expressions of fear or any form of tension and trust myself in being able to take me back to my ‘zero point’ where I’m stable and nothing is moving within me.

I can also commit myself to practice being generally more chilled, realizing that I can’t even think of being the ‘savior’ of anyone nor prevent anyone from being harmed. Even if I cause that harm, I can always admit it to myself, see how I can do things differently from here on and move on with life. But I can’t keep holding myself captive for the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what was’ anymore.

Here I can also remind myself of the principle of shared responsibility so that I know that there are a bunch of factors that lead to the creation of a certain thing or situation not working out or going off or being destroyed. There is more than meets the eye and this is not in an ‘esoteric’ sense of the saying, but simply as a way to not get ‘hooked’ on certain moment and events that I keep ‘seeing through’ the eyes of my mind.

This implies also to change how I see or perceive situations, how I take in actions and information, how I have to also let go of assumption as in knowing exactly ‘how things are’ because I most likely cannot know. I can know about my experience, and yes I am even that ‘out of myself’ that I cannot exactly yet know what goes on with my body, so this is also part of the things that I want to now not be negligent about but be considered and attentive of, which is my physical body, to learn to be more aware of its pains and discomforts and not let them ‘go by’ ignoring them, but taking them as a cross reference of who I am in my mind and so, what I need to work on.

The decision then is to not remain a prisoner of my own repetitive thoughts and experiences, of what I did or didn’t do in the past. That’s only another comfort zone to not dare to change, live and express and I am definitely ready and willing to live and express, I just ‘thought’ that I had to still feel bad and drag my past corpses around as unwanted souvenirs lol.

Even daring to ‘be well’ and feel OK, and appear generally in a good stance within oneself seems at times ‘too good to be true’ or ‘how dare I!?’ but it is then also a point about allowing oneself to be OK and to genuinely Be Life and stop living in constant self-torture. I noticed this yesterday at a social gathering, some people that had not seen me in a long time said I looked really well like ‘radiant’… I said ‘oh well it’s supplements I started taking I guess!’ but the moment wasn’t intimate enough to say ‘you know what yes I’ve been practicing stopping existing in all of this self-blame and self-flagellation for the world and things in my life not going ‘the best way’ or how I thought they could.’ But, for those that did engage with me in conversations, I was able to share some of what I do and how I approach things and that is great too, because then they may get ideas of how to work through some of their own problems, confusions or worries.

The best way that I can advertise this process is with my own process, with my own way of living. And honoring the information and message that I’ve been privy to for the past 11 years J

So, cheers to this and to facing the current reality of the world and situations around us in a way that we can be sure, we are not going into panic, fear or anxiety, but cover our bases and act according to what seems most reasonable and best for all to do.

Thanks for reading and thanks to everyone that knowingly – or unknowingly – has supported me to walk through these aspects of myself.

 

Recommended self-support:

 

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my creation

 

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628. #EqafeDiscovery: Unlocking Yourself

 

One of my favorite series in Eqafe for Self Support is the one called Quantum Systemization and I’ve been translating it to Spanish recently, which has been quite supportive for me to remind myself of certain aspects that I tend to overlook when walking my process or that simply explains to me the inner workings of my mind and how it translates to experiences in my life.

I was translating this one Unlocking Yourself – Quantum Systemization – Part 71 and upon listening to it I realized how in my previous blog I mostly shared about the understanding, the realizations and in a way walking some of the solutions after I reached out for support in various ways to others in relation to what I experienced within myself and my body, but I didn’t get to describe how the experience was overall while I was completely ‘in it’ and not entirely seeing it, which lasted several months.

This audio talks about how at times we get so blinded by a point, we become it so completely that in one way or another we will get to be approached by some people that might assist us in delineating the thing for us, enabling us to give a name to our experience, or assist in ‘unlocking’ ourselves by giving us some feedback on what we are ‘resonating’ which is how people may see us and perceive us. This is somewhat what happened with me through one of my friends who also walks this process and offered some support which enabled me ‘give a name’ to what I have been experiencing and creating within me.

Giving it a name sounds ‘simple’, but it really assisted me to ‘unlock’ myself as the audio explains, I was able to pin point what I was in fact doing to myself. And yes, one may think ‘oh but aren’t we always aware of what we are doing to ourselves?’ and yes in terms of the actions and experiences, they were always here as myself, but I wasn’t giving it the name that described the precise mechanism that could enable me to see what I was in fact locking myself into – or blinding myself into –  and the shift also happened when she assisted me to place the focus back to ME and not necessarily focusing merely on the symptoms or physical consequences of the experience, which was quite revealing as well as a tendency of getting hooked on the physical discomforts, illness, pains and make it as if we already ‘know’ how we created it, but I was in fact missing out a big factor in the mechanism of it all: myself and what I was holding onto that created this whole pattern within me.

I mentioned about avenge in my previous blog, which was one of the patterns that she suggested as a possible pattern or mind mechanism I was embodying, and another word that came out is judgment. Perhaps I was more aware of the judgment I was holding, but avenge in secondary gain was truly hitting the head on the nail because that enabled me to clearly see what I was doing and how I was acting out this sense of self-punishment for judging something that I have done and thus, becoming it to such an extent that I wasn’t able to see that I was doing it, nor name it. I was aware of some guilt patterns and generally judging myself for it, but the word ‘avenge’ seemed like completely alien to me to begin with, because I don’t consider that the desire for vengeance, revenge or avenge exists within me towards others. But! I definitely could see that I do have this tendency of taking things on me and believing that my own pain, suffering or ‘punishment’ is a way to create any form of justice or compensation/ making up for what I believe I caused as grievance or negative consequences to others, which again was me being blinded by focusing on ‘the exterior’ and not looking back at myself.

So how would this pattern feel before naming it as ‘avenge in secondary gain’? I would think quite frequently that I perhaps should not be so happy or having such a ‘great time’ because I did something that was ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ in my own moral judgment. This is not a foreign pattern to me, I have mostly lived a life where I believed that I couldn’t simply be fine and optimistic if you will because of the world being suffering and the majority of people not having an ‘ok’ life, so believing that I had to behave according to what others are experiencing.

How else did it feel as I was in it? I felt torn between two worlds, the one that I am living in my current reality, and the one I kept bringing back in my head which usually would cause a ‘spike’ in my pulse, yes, just like when we get anxious about something, but instead of having a continuous acceleration of the heart rate, it would emerge as these ‘upheavals’ so to speak that I would then breathe through, seeing the thought come up and brushed it aside, because I believed that I had forgiven the guilt and that these things should not be coming up again.

The reality is that a part of me accepted this whole back and forth of inner experience as something I had to ‘carry with’ and in a way almost like having to punish myself with this whole experience, as if I had to in fact create some kind of justice ‘in secondary gain’ or ‘in the name of someone else’ for  something that I believe I’ve done and was ‘very wrong and very bad.’ And yes, it felt like haunting me in a series of thoughts, even in my dreams, but I was just not believing I could do something to genuinely resolve it, because I thought I was working on letting go of the guilt, the shame, on embracing the past and my actions and choices.

However, I was still too much focusing on ‘the past’ and the ideas I created about it, and how I kept judging myself for it but at the same time Justifying it as real, as genuine, as ‘that is who I am’ and that’s how I held on to it with a  rather twisted sense of ‘I need to pay for this one way or another’ and at a deeper level within me believing that the way to do it was to essentially not be able to be fully ‘here’, embracing and enjoying my life because of thinking that I wasn’t honest, that I caused harm and so I almost didn’t ‘deserve’ it.  

I let this go by for several months pretending I could be ok and it would eventually fade, but it didn’t. So, in a way yes then the story continues of how I had to face the point at a more physical level. So that’s how upon sharing some of this to my friends, one of them offered to have a chat with one of them, which assisted me a lot in changing the way that I defined and perceived the whole situation, which was very supportive. Then I reached out to physical and medical support including alternative therapies to provide my body with the support that I require as I take on this point to change within me at a mind level.

I particularly don’t see that I resisted being supported, I genuinely appreciate every person that has assisted me to see this. I mostly considered that this sense of ‘punishment’ or ‘suffering’ is something that I HAD to go through, and this is the righteous opinion that I held on to and locked myself into, this acceptance of essentially self-victimization but in a reversed way where I believed myself that I was ‘so bad’ I had to suffer for it and that it would eventually pass once I had paid my ‘penitence.’

Yes, sounds very religious in context, and perhaps this is how it exactly exists within me based on my family lineage, which surely have been devoted people that would have a certain relationship with piousness and punishment to clear one’s sins…. And now it’s my turn to also clean that construct from within me which I wasn’t acting on at a conscious level, but was more ingrained as subconscious and unconscious aspects within me, which involves understanding more of how I got to create and act upon these constructs, rather than looking at it at the limited level of the consequences of it or symptoms such as only working with the shame and the guilt. I honestly do not regret things, but I did feel bad about it because of knowing ‘I could have done things better’ and I didn’t, so that’s the main self-flagellation point that I am now having to let go of J and yes it involves now literally smiling to myself about it because of how even one change in approach to seeing it, assisted me to see how I was seeing things in reverse and using that as an excuse to continue punishing myself. I realized my self-honesty in it through those chats of support with various people and at times, yes that is what we need when we are so ‘locked into’ a point .

I have a tendency to over analyze and in that, also get sometimes lost in giving too much weight on how I perceive things and not really see at what it is that I am creating and recreating as an experience within me. So here also having the assistance of others to unlock ourselves is essential, as it has also been a necessary point of support throughout my process in Desteni where you get a personal buddy support in walking your process, someone that has been there for sufficient time to know which aspects we tend to ‘lock ourselves in’ as well.

This is a great reminder of how at times one may believe that one simply has to ‘go through’ certain experiences, emotions and reactions or ‘down phases’ and not cross reference them because ‘it’s just how things are or what we are meant to go through and experience.’ But here I remind myself and so share to everyone reading this that: it is not so. It’s best to approach any supportive person or alternative medicine practitioner that one knows one can explain the whole story to and get a perspective on how it may link to the physical symptoms one is experiencing, so that they can be worked through in such therapies. Not to mention I also resorted to regular medicine due to some of the severity of the symptoms, so in that I also walked not judging ‘regular’ medicine as bad, but simply realizing to some aspects I did have to get to it because of the extent it was compromising my body.

The explanation given in Eqafe.com’s audio “Unlocking yourself’ is a fascinating one to also understand why we have to also be more open to having others approach us when they are noticing something ‘off’ in us, or when we can decide to reach out for support at a timely manner, instead of waiting for things to just continue accumulating without resolution, so I recommend getting to listen to it to see the ‘background workings’ of who we are as life and committing ourselves to this process and how support arrives at a timely manner for it.

I also recommend investing in subscribing to Eqafe Unlimited which is the new way where you can subscribe on a monthly basis and have access to all the thousands of recordings that cover almost every possible topic that relates to our creation, our development, self-support and how to deal with every aspect of our minds and our daily lives. It’s a worthy investment considering that what one learns there, will forever stay with you if you act on it, place it into action and application, making your life considerably better, having the practicality of ‘how to’ get to reach your potential as a human being. It not only aims to assist us in self-development, but also to break down the locks we’ve been living as forever as humanity, that only now have become available for all, and now can be accessed in a ‘Netflix’ manner, which is quite convenient too.

Reach out for support when you see that you are just giving rounds to the same thoughts and experiences in the mind and in the body without them going away or getting any lesser. There’s desteni.org, the desteni forum and Eqafe.com for support too Sonrisa I’m forever grateful for walking this process along with people that are there to support you whenever you require to get feedback and cross reference what one is working on and experiencing and unlock ourselves from the inner blindness on a point.

 

Listen to: Unlocking Yourself

 

The past that haunts us

 

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627. Self-Devaluation and The Body

 

When reading the words ‘self-devaluation’ I interpreted it only as having the usually termed ‘low self-esteem’ instead of realizing that there is an expanded meaning to it which appears in various ways in which we might exist in guilt, shame, regret, a belief of having failed in something, losing something or someone and essentially anything that makes us feel ‘less than’ ourselves, no matter how subtle it may be.

To me it is revealing because I had created this idea that I don’t have self-esteem issues, nor self-acceptance issues, because I have mostly seen these as superficial aspects like embracing your looks or the amount of judgments you have on yourself about your body or certain personality characteristics. However upon relating it to a certain diagnose in relation to my body and reading more about it, I realize that I have been having self-devaluation issues that I didn’t deal with properly, I swept them aside causing a series of physical conditions that I am currently facing and assisting myself and my body to get to a point of stability and heal, which I realize it won’t also be an ‘instant process’ but realizing: whatever it takes.

Part of my focus point this year is healing and the words that emerge in me are ‘to let go’ of the patterns of self-depreciation that I have been harboring. These have to do with a sense of shame, guilt, culpability and failure for the most part. They all relate to what I have in a way also defined as my ‘Achilles heel’ so to speak, that part where I’ve found the most points to learn and face and expand on, but also some of my greatest woes, falls and source of guilt and shame.  

As I wrote and faced the points that I wrote about in my past two blogs, I realized that I was in fact going through a rather stressful situation that detonated more symptoms in my body that I then rushed to deal with. Over a few visits to different doctors and alternative means of healing and therapies, I have been realizing how I have created this to myself and my body and what aspects led me to experience what I am going through. There was a fear of it being something that I couldn’t overcome or would have to go through painful processes to deal with, and that then detonated more fear that made the inner conflict aggravate and so stressing my body more. In essence, it hasn’t been an easy time for me for various reasons, but I realize that I am the only one that can sort it out since I created the relationship to the ‘stressors’ so to speak.

What I saw is that this has been ‘in the making’ for many years, even if I can usually tell the story and relate it back to the last three or four years in my life; it has in fact been something that I have been ‘hanging’ around within me since I can remember and yes, it has to do with relationships, the perceived failures and mistakes in them, the failed commitments or faults committed in relationships and even the yearnings or infatuations of the past around them. I’ve turned these into a series of regrets that I’ve held onto as a second layer definition of ‘who I am,’ which I’m sure are causing me to create other projected conflicts where there are none, such as for example experiencing jealousy in my relationship when there is nothing to actually worry or be jealous about. It all has to do with my own relationship to my worth as a person in relationships and as such, the way that I’ve ‘held’ the people that once were in my life within me.

By saying that, I can see shame, guilt and a general feeling of having failed. Even if currently I am in a supportive relationship, I consider that if I don’t deal with these aspects, it can eventually ‘spill out’ onto it because I am the one that has held on to these self-definitions of ‘who I am’ in relation to my past and relationships, which essentially means that I haven’t yet self-forgiven me, I haven’t genuinely let go of the old in order for me to genuinely be here and empty to grow and expand on who I am as a person and yes in a relationship as well.

Upon the discussions I have had with the various people that have assisted me with this point, the common advice is to let go, to throw the garbage out instead of holding it in. The point is that I’ve been aware of this at a knowledge level but, I haven’t actually let go of it, because its existence in me was justified in a very twisted way.

In a way, I perceived that I had to suffer or avenge for all the ‘wrongdoings’ in my relationships, that I had to take on others’ possible pain or suffering I could have caused upon my own body, to essentially be ‘unwell’ even if in reality I certainly have a supportive and generally stable life in order to be ‘on par’ with what I believe others have to go through due to my actions. It is auto aggression as one of them told me, it is self-inflicted and I called it self-flagellation as well, because in my mind there is a perceived notion of justice or ‘making up for’ the perceived pain I believe I caused on others. This means I kept myself pointing my finger at myself and that caused a lot of subtle yet continuous stress and guilt, shame that eventually blow up to become something bigger to deal with.

This pattern right here is just a part of myself that was masked as something ‘benign’ in a twisted manner within me. Perhaps some people might relate to it, and I’ve played this out in my life before in various ways where I believed I had to suffer, like a martyr of sorts to ‘wash the sins away’ so to speak. That’s the kind of pattern that I am dealing with and this wasn’t existing in a conscious manner within me, but at a deeper level that I became aware of through talking and discussing about this with various healing assistants, which were both regular medicine and alternative means like body alignment, homeopathy, acupuncture and doing some further research online in the German New Medicine documents which I’ve found through a fellow Destonian sharing about her process with certain diagnose in relation to her health.

What emerged in me recently is a deep sense of sadness and regret for not having listened to my body before. I felt the symptoms all the way but still, associated it in a lazy manner to all sorts of other things and not really investigating further. I would go to get the medicines to just stop the pains and symptoms, but would not investigate further. It essentially had to get to a more latent point where I got fed up of having to be constantly worrying about it – yet not doing something practically supportive for my body – and reaching a low point this past month in order to then decide that it was time to genuinely reach out for help and ‘sort it out’.

This is a pattern of negligence towards myself, my life and my body. I can also see how in my mind I worried more about everything and everyone else instead of looking at what I was in fact causing to my own body. This is the most painful part of it and it still makes me sad, to see to what extent I placed attention on all sorts of ideas, perceptions, fears, beliefs, projections and imaginations about ‘all that I did’ or ‘didn’t do’ in the past, and not realizing how drop by drop I created this whole conflict until it got to a more evident point for me to finally realize: ok this is not about ‘sorting the physical symptoms out’ only, but about Understanding how I created it in my body, what it is associated with and how I can now work with those aspects at an internal/mind level as I go through the various therapies and support that I am now taking in for my body. Being sad or emotional about it is not the way, I understand that, but I have also embraced the momentary crying that this realization brings, because as with anything related to shame, guilt, etc. We can use these emotions to realize something, to deeply be ‘affected’ by it so that we can remind ourselves of how to prevent this from happening again in the future. It is part of the manifested consequences that yes, I can be grateful for because it’s showing me my creation, how else could I do this if I didn’t have a part of physical matter letting me know ‘hey you’re causing yourself harm!’ otherwise? Sure it’s not nice or pretty to face this, but at least I can have an idea of what I am dealing with to sort it out within me.

I can only forgive myself for causing such distress to my body in being negligent about what I was doing to it based on my internal conflicts and participation in thoughts that I considered were meaningless. The fact is that I justified all of it as a form of recognition of my mistakes, as if I had to constantly ‘hang it around me’ as some form of anti-triumph, a reminder of what I’ve done so that I could ‘make up for’ the perceived pain or suffering I believe I caused or that others have ‘caused on me’ in the past.

The thoughts emerged right now of: ‘But I am in this process, how the hell did I get to that point? Didn’t I know better than this?’ And this is something that some of these I’ll call them healing supporters enabled me to see, which is how hard I can be on myself and how there is this idea that I cannot fail, make mistakes or ‘be human’ in that sense, and so I have taken it to heart to realize that I have in fact made mistakes and that I can only embrace them, learn from them and let go of the ‘feeling bad’ about it. And yes a second thought comes ‘but you had heard that before! Why didn’t you act on that to change it’ – And here’s where I have to embrace the repetition of mistakes, yes I’ve done that before, yes I had heard that about me before. I can only truly learn this time around.

And the reality is that all around I’ve had the tools to support me, I’ve had the people that are there that I can reach out to, my partner that knows the whole story and constantly reminds me of shared responsibility as well in all that I created and faced and that I have the means to support myself physically as well, but I ignored it to the level where I could not ignore it anymore, and it’s also for the best and I’m learning to not react upon getting to know what is wrong currently in my body, but to understand as a symptom that can be sorted through as well both internally and externally.

I’m learning that diseases, illness or any physical problem are there to be a wakeup call to realize: hey I am going through this process of distress or alteration here, you have to become aware of it and do something about it.

My commitment to do something about it is to continue working on my own patterns of ‘self-deprecation’ that are related to the points I associated above, but even more so if I believed I had written them out before, it’s about me working now on living words that can assist me to genuinely let go, which are related to understanding, embracing mistakes, realizing the shared responsibility in them all, to remind myself of the fact that I have in fact grown from those perceived ‘mistakes’ and have enabled me to be who I am and where I am at the moment, that they don’t have to define me and my current reality, even if I am facing some of the consequences.

One of the points I am starting to implement is to smile, physically smile whenever the same thoughts, projections or remembrances come to me and to now see what I’ve gone through so that I could be where I am today, to see what I have learned within me and how it gives me an opportunity to face aspects of me that yes, I might not be proud of, but also to learn to see aspects I had yet to face and change, to become aware of and develop.

I’ve also judged myself for having ‘repeated’ mistakes as I see them, but I will also take one perspective that one of the healing supporters told me which is to even consider that there are no mistakes as such, because of how mistakes have become such a bag of emotions and instead, I can simply see them as paths that weren’t leading me to where I had to be and that’s it.  – Sometimes we come to face and confront things that exist within ourselves in ways that may not be the ‘smoothest’ of ways, but those rough paths are also part of what we need to face to strengthen ourselves, to kind of finally expose our ‘Achilles’ Heel’ (lol I keep writing Achilles’ heal) or the part that wasn’t yet strengthened through exposure to the ‘problems’ to then be exposed and work with the resolution of it in a way that is more related to Understanding how I created the problem or conflict and in doing so, get to identify the patterns, the words, the emotions that I lived and how it ended up causing the problems that unfortunately, the body takes the brunt of.

In any case, because what I am facing generally relates to the sense of having done something bad, wrong, failed in the realm of relationships in the past, I can only say that if there are judgments, a sense of culpability, a sense of failure or loss within past relationships or  in relation to something or someone in one’s life that one feels made one to be at a ‘loss’ point, it is then to investigate where and how we have defined ourselves in relation to those situations, events or people in our life. And to be able to forgive ourselves for it, to release, to let go and sometimes to take the best of them to integrate it in our lives as part of who we are and what we learned from them, because I’ve ultimately realized it’s not about the people I have been worrying about in reality, it’s about me and the relationship I created, the words I lived in such situations that caused a sense of wrongdoing, of sadness and of general failure even if I didn’t name it as such before. The experience and what it caused in me indicate such perception of being ‘at a loss’ in one way or another – and that simply has to go because it is not even part of my current physical reality. It only remains as part of ‘who I am’ in my mind, in my thoughts, in my memories and how I relate to them.

So, I’ll continue writing on my side the details of this which are quite personal and as such I won’t publish, because I realize that my sharing here is not about exposing myself to others, but about being able to share what I’ve realized such as seeing what I’ve caused to my own body due to ignoring physical and mental symptoms of aspects that I had to sort out, yet I justified them in all kinds of twisted ways which got me to brush them aside and only ‘cope’ with them but not truly facing them and ‘taking them on’ as in investigating them, going deeper into them until my body showed me: there is something you truly need to sort out here.

Needless to say, it’s been a rough time for various reasons, but I know many others that are having it as well and at a world level it seems we all are in for a rough ride in various aspects, so I can only say: let’s brace ourselves for it and live these points the best that we can. For me my health is a priority right now because I cannot be ‘best for anything’ if I am not the best for myself first. It is sad that I have to come to this conclusion through consequence, but I also need to stop judging myself for it, because I am still here and my body is here with me assisting me to heal as well and me assisting it to heal.

As one of the healing supporters told me, at times we have to be a bit ‘selfish’ not in the egotistical way, but genuinely in looking after ourselves, even more so when having imposed on me this idea that I have to be the one that is always there for others. I also realize that I am the only one that can make any of these tools and means of support effective by having the courage to confront these points in my life, in my memories and go dealing with them as they emerge through my writing and taking on the physical support required for it as well.

This is where writing, listening to self-support on Eqafe.com becomes a way of assisting me to remind myself of things that I may have ignored for some time, that I have ‘known’ at a knowledge level or as things swirling around in my mind, and that I then can listen back and take it into consideration for the points I’m facing.

Best is to stop being hard on myself, because I truly made of something a lot bigger than what it is in the sense of the extent of inner conflict I’ve allowed myself to live with because of it. Though, as it is also explained in some recordings, getting to see deeper aspects comes up at some point in our lives and process which indicate moments where we can then take the points on, work with them. So in that sense, I can trust myself that this is here for me to face it because I can at this point do so.

Without having intent to sound too afflicted based on what I share here, I genuinely want to heal myself from this and that comes through understanding, self forgiving and letting go. I keep having dreams where I am holding on to something while traveling and this something that I keep holding on to creates a form of worry and concern and going out of ‘the way’ to go back to fetch it apparently. I believe this thing I am ‘wanting to go back to fetch’ are all of these past experiences as memories that I believe I still ‘need’ to take with me, like holding on to these definitions, when in fact to me traveling means a moving on, I have to move on and let go of whatever I believe I need to hold on to. A genuine release is needed, so that’s what I’ll be working on and in general taking it easier on myself and my body.

I share this as a cautionary tale, but I also need to let go of wanting to prevent others from going through similar stuff. I now embrace whatever each one has to face and realize that I can only be responsible for me and focus on myself, while sharing and assisting then becomes an outflow of that self-care and self-processing.

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested Eqafe.com recordings:

Nurturing the Growth of Change – Life Review

Fear, Falling & Failure – Life Review

The Beginning Equals the End – Life Review

 

 Breakthrough

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


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