444. Self-Corruption: Jesus Calls!

Some months ago I had a dream where from afar I would see the book by Thomas Piketty ‘The Economics of Inequality’ on a table, and when getting closer to it, it sort of morphed into or became a book with quotes and principles said or provided by Jesus. This was somehow indicated as my ‘new project’ or point of focus. My reaction was that of ‘what? Jesus? Is it about Religion? No way!’ and woke up considering ‘the meaning’ of this dream without seeing much around it. Later on with a clearer mind I considered that maybe I should in fact get more back into the basic living principles that are the ‘building blocks’ of a new human kind-ness, instead of getting a bit too much into theories and knowledge of all the reasons why for example, our economy is not working and inequality is so prevalent… to name but one aspect of our reality that is spiraling into decay. At the time I didn’t give any further thought to it other than mentioning it to some of my friends/colleagues before we had a live hangout, and I let it pass.

But this same point came up today as I have been writing lately about this ‘greater picture’ approach and now it makes more sense to me. After the process I have described in the recent posts when it comes to diving into certain information about the world system and understanding the main patterns of the problems – often getting a bit stuck on the point of how ‘to make it work, it is the human being that has to change’ – I’ve come to realize the importance to focus more or emphasize revising and so making of the living principles or ‘golden rules’ – as they are usually called – more of a practical living ‘philosophy’ for a lack of a better word,  and see how through applying those principles/words in my own life and sharing that process can encourage others to consider these same principles as the ways, methods and solutions to sort out/correct or align the consequential outflows or problems in our reality.

This comes through following the patterns and the ‘human imprint’ in all of the problems existent ‘out there in the world system’ which are very much created and perpetuated by our daily actions – or inactions – individually and so collectively, considering that each one of us one thread in the entire fabric of this reality. This implies acknowledging and recognizing the need for each one of us to focus on our self-change through living these principles of doing to others as we’d like to be done onto, learn to love ourselves and so love/care for others as an extension of ourselves, give to others as we’d like to receive as well, seeing this interdependence that exists between one another where each one of us holds that potential to be a ‘life changer’ and essentially that ‘change’ we have been waiting for as a form of miracle: it won’t ever come if we don’t actively work on it.

So instead of creating a specialization or emphasizing just ‘one aspect’ of our reality, like for example money and economics and all its theory, problems and seemingly ‘unfixable’ current state of affairs –  which is a consequential outflow from the principles we haven’t yet lived within our lives and toward one another – we can start practicing tracing money/economics/politics back to self, which means to follow the creational lines of a particular system, structure, mechanism that ‘rules our lives’ as ‘the system’ back to the very human thinking process and behavior that led to its creation and laws.

An example is how the current theory known as ‘economics’ and its flawed existence that has proven to not be of any real service to the benefit of life, is in fact a mirror of everything that we have all neglected in our very own minds, bodies, lives, relationships between one another and toward the environment and precisely depicts the ‘nature’ that we’ve all mostly become: self interested, greedy, looking for the least effort and maximum profits, competing to ‘be at the highest level’ at the expense of others… and the list goes on. Economics currently exist as the reflection of everything that we have not changed or decided to live up to in order to coexist in harmony, in real recognition of our equality as life – instead each one of us when living in such self-interest and survival mode have co-created our current economic systems that are not meant to fulfill everyone’s necessities and capabilities, but maintaining some above others = which is precisely reflecting how we think, act, behave and decide to do in our lives, always looking for a personal benefit, something to take advantage of, something to control, which are traits we all have within our minds.

In approaching our reality within this ‘greater picture’ perspective, we no longer diminish ourselves into this tunnel vision fixated on ‘everything that is wrong with politics or economics or wall street’ but start broadening the spectrum to see that those very same ‘qualities’ that those systems represent and have become, are existent in all of us in varying degrees, which makes us all invariably the source and origin of the problems in the world. Now this is not actually something to get really sad or depressed about either, lol, but it is in fact great news and I’ll continue to explain why with an example.

One of the most common words or problems we single out as the reason why ‘politics’ or ‘economics’ or just ‘anything in the world’ don’t work as it could or should is Corruption, which curiously enough was pronounced by the pope today as  ‘more addictive than drugs’ and so one of the ‘greatest crimes’ as well… but, do we usually question ourselves how corruption exists within us?

The other day I placed this idea to one of my family members, about  how we tend to focus so much on ‘corruption’ out there embedded ‘by default’ in the name of our president, or the bankers, or the corporate executives … really, making of ‘them’ the ‘human piñatas’ to kick and blame for everything that we haven’t dare to take responsibility for and in doing so, we get away with murder by avoid seeing how corruption Does exist within each one of us, regardless of being or not being part of such ‘elites’.

So when I mentioned to this person how corruption has its origin within ourselves, he simply placed a serious face as if I was in fact making a bit of an insult to him, because this person may perceive himself to be a regular honest and hard working person. I noticed that sharing these ideas to try and all of a sudden open up deeper layers of understanding of how ‘what exists within ourselves creates our without,’ is not such an effective process in ‘making others see what this practically means.’ And as I continued the conversation I mentioned how we all have our false-self-consciousness where we like to regard ourselves in this ‘goody-two-shoes’ light where: we do nothing wrong, we are exemplar individuals or at least we like to believe ‘we do not harm others’ and ‘we work hard and honestly for what we have’ which one would then accordingly conceive as yes, an integral person that has no participation in corruption. But! This is also still a limited understanding of what corruption in fact means as a trait that we’ve all applied and lived in our lives.

corrupt

n   adjective

1   willing to act dishonestly in return for money or personal gain. Øevil or morally depraved.

2   (of a text or a computer database or program) made unreliable by errors or alterations.

3    rotten or putrid.

 

Now that we are aware of this meaning, I’d like to ask if we willingly and voluntarily ever dare to and direct ourselves to dig into those ‘dark corridors’ within ourselves where we in fact keep a hold of certain desires, fantasies, ideas of what is good for ourselves only – and here I can expand it to not only focus on this  personal gain as a monetary or experiential ‘good stuff’ – but I bet that we all can relate to also keeping ourselves trapped in cycles of self-deception, like maintaining a particular experience of disempowerment, depression, sadness or anger which is also a form of self-dishonesty where we limit ourselves and our potential as well, because we are corrupting our individual and so collective potential by holding on to a particular experience of disempowerment, of blame, of anger, of making others the ‘bad guys’, instead of focusing on what we can do and become to benefit ourselves and so others around us too.

Here doesn’t matter if we hold on to a positive or negative experience or idea of ourselves, the point to understand here is that we have all corrupted ourselves in the name of some personal gain or interest, no matter how ‘big’ or how many ‘millions’ or no millions are involved in it, because we tend to only associate the word ‘corruption’ with politicians, bankers, corporate people, leaders of any sort which usually leads to ‘blaming others’ and that story is a bit of a broken record for us all by now, really.

Here I’d like to entirely focus on the corruption of self, or ‘self-corruption’ that is essentially any form of acts, words, deeds in self-dishonesty, meaning where we are willing to compromise ourselves and others in the name of some form of personal gain or self-interest, even if those thoughts/words and deeds are detrimental to our lives. Let’s not forget that the word ‘evil’ is the reverse of ‘live.’

 

Here I’ll place an example I can share which relates to not taking the point ‘back to myself’ when it comes to precisely standing in my ‘goody two shoes’ stance of ‘seeing the corruption only outside of myself’ in the form of ‘the corrupt politicians,’ the ‘corrupt elites,’ the ‘corrupt CEO’s’ and the rest of it, with which I would in fact stand in this apparent ‘purity’ of sorts believing myself to ‘not be like them at all!’ and even having the guts to insult some of them, just because I felt that I could due to ‘what they were doing onto us!’  (blame character) while perceiving that I was in fact the most honest and transparent person I could ever know.

Well, this is that kind of ‘false-self-consciousness’ where we love to veil the truth of ourselves in order to keep kicking the same ‘human piñatas’ we’ve made to blame for all things going wrong or not working out. Little did I dare at that time to ever take the finger back to myself and see how by becoming angry, by calling names, by believing that I had to be the one ‘pointing their problems out’ through becoming a sort of ‘intellectual’ around certain topics to ‘expose’ ‘all the flaws’ I was not in fact creating any form of solutions at all, I in fact was doing it in this self-interest which is the mechanism of ‘trumping others’, of seeing myself ‘knowledgeable’ enough to ‘have a say’ on everything that is ‘wrong’, and so using this knowledge or awareness of things as a way to place myself on my own ‘purity’ and ‘clarity’ self-built pedestal where I comfortably blinded myself from recognizing that I, in fact, was as much of a participant in all those things I have criticized in ‘those’ that I have pointed fingers at as ‘the problem.’

 

In other words, I didn’t acknowledge that I was by default and almost by ‘virtue’ of having a human mind already self-dishonest. And that I continued to corrupt myself, my potential when standing in that ‘self-created pedestal’ of apparent honesty and purity or ‘positive light’ as in ‘not being part of the problem’ or even perceiving myself as ‘being part of the solution’ for being aware of the problems in the world, yet never, ever willing to take it one step further and recognize how it was in fact myself in how I ‘operate’ in my own mind that I had lived in a corrupt manner all my life, always – if not openly, secretly or in a veiled form, seeking to blame and point the finger ‘outside’ of myself, never daring to question my own fears, my own desires, my own ‘traits’ and ways of manipulating others, controlling, seeking my personal benefit, cheating, seeking recognition or importance or ‘just getting angry’ about things as a form of righteousness and so, a form of self-corruption, because! When one has this false-consciousness of ‘others are all wrong and I am right’ one in fact becomes a righteous person that is really difficult to get out of the ‘vicious cycle’ from, because one can justify being right all the time with really good structures of words and ideas and knowledge here and there to keep this ‘idea of self’ in an ‘uncorrupted manner’ or ‘in a good intentions light’ – but, I must say that this leads nowhere but to inflate an ego that is hard to pop and would most likely lead to a very rough landing, yet a very necessary one if we are to recognize what it means that ‘them’ are ‘us’ to and that the ‘mess’ of the world is our very own mirror = my-error too.

I’ve described myself having this ‘haughty position’ which is the same as being righteous, inflexible, intolerant, very critical and judgmental specially towards what is commonly named as ‘the system,’ I almost would rejoice myself in being able to – excuse me but it is so – talk shit about others as politicians or world leaders or religious leaders and ‘their ways’ in which one creates this superiority construct that emerges from in fact having felt disempowered toward ‘them’ too, but that’s another story and layer of personality where we place ourselves ‘above’ others through insulting/taking revenge and the rest of forms of violence for a particular pseudo-empowerment.

Here in this example, my self-corruption can be described as this personal veil of ‘goodness’ in the guise of being apparently ‘knowledgeable’ enough to see the problems and how they were caused by x, y and z but! Never by myself, ever… well here I was in fact perpetuating the corruption in the world where one is not willing to recognize one’s own personal desires for certain ‘gain’ – material or not –  for a personal interest in the form of an experience, a fantasy, a dream of grandeur which can even be disguised in certain seemingly ‘good ways,’ like wanting to do ‘good to the world’ while secretly wishing to also sink the ones I had defined as ‘the bad guys’ in the worst of prisons or ‘hells on Earth’ possible as a way to ‘trump’ them so to speak, and rejoice in the thought of that. Yikes! Isn’t that actually quite the ‘evil’ in me that I was really blind to see and acknowledge because I was holding on to this ‘goody two shoes’ person that ‘wants to fight for justice and equality’? Yes, it is, it’s the ‘evil’ that we rarely – if at all – dare to see within ourselves, and this is precisely the kind of corruption I am here to open up and also dare each one of you reading this to also start doing for yourself.

It was only when I dared to open up this ‘secret mind’ of mine where I held all of these laudable self-indulgences as ‘dreams’ for myself, disguised as ‘good causes’ where yes, I did may have wanted to ‘do good’ and even portray myself as some kind of ‘liberator for the people’ lol! But, at the same time, hide the fact that I would mostly rejoice at ‘trumping’ or ‘vexing’ and ‘ripping apart’ the plans of those that I was blaming for ‘all the bad in the world’ and so, seeing them suffer which equals taking revenge.

But! If someone would have asked me: hey are you full of hate and desire for revenge to those that you see as the problem in the world? I would have most likely said “Noooo, I just want to focus on doing good stuff!” And here! Ladies and gentleman is where the self-corruption begins, where we are not really daring to see the truth of ourselves.  See how this all was very nicely packaged, I’ll use Sunette’s recently used words: ‘like swords disguised as flowers’ where I veiled off my own ‘evil’ with seemingly ‘good intentions.’ I guess this is partly why it is said that ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’ for one of these reasons where if one is not entirely clear, stable, without a single judgment or desire or fantasy achievement ‘for oneself’ as one’s ego, we are prone to simply recreate or become/take the place of those that we have criticized or have wanted to debunk the most.

I’m glad I have been able to see this with such clarity now because I was on my way to becoming that kind of person that would stand in continuous ‘defiance’ toward the system, in an angry manner yet possibly feeling very disempowered and most probable very lost in my own personal life. In this, I’ve also found how we tend to create a false-sense of ‘empowerment’ with knowledge, information, anger toward ‘those that we point the fingers at to blame for everything that is wrong’- according to us – and perceive that we are ‘above’ them in our minds by doing so… inflating the knowledgeable ego and in fact not realizing that this is the perfect recipe to keep ourselves all divided and conquered, because we recreate the same division where we don’t think of all of humanity as oneself, as Self, as equals in fact in living substance, but we like to keep fighting against oneself disguised as ‘others’ and this way, we won’t ever, ever get anywhere.

What did it take to unveil the ‘self-corruption’? Courage, it takes courage to be self-honest, and realizing that what I was holding on to was my own ego, delusions of power, delusions of superiority that kept me also quite fearful, sad and depressed at the same time, always thinking in those ‘greater realms’ of reality and not really focusing on the living-breathing-me that is here: my life, my mind, my body, my day to day activities, my relationships, my living purpose.

I’d say this is one of the layers of self-corruption where we neglect so much of ourselves when focusing more on the outside as a form of distraction to not ‘focus on self’ first of all, and that is self-corruption as well, neglecting our own self-responsibility to our own minds and life trying to ‘fix it all’ out there and not daring to have a good honest look at our lives, the ways we live, the kind of relationships we have, what we decide to buy/eat, how we relate to others, how we do our jobs, what motivates us every day to wake up… The same goes if one focuses too much on one’s ‘internal’ dreams and desires and neglects the outside, same story, it’s self-corruption because we go pursuing everything that we have believed will ‘fulfill our lives,’ not realizing that we won’t ever genuinely ‘be happy’ in this world as long as there are other beings having the worst ‘living’ experiences and having no support at all to overcome their position, because! We haven’t regarded them as our equals and given them what we want for ourselves too. See again how the ‘problems’ reflect back our very own ways of thinking and currently interacting in our reality?

I understand that this might be a seemingly disempowering point, where we can get to see the core and origin of all the problems ‘out there’ existing within ourselves, as ourselves, but it is in fact not at all so. If anything now we know it is us that have to develop such self transparency, self integrity, self honesty, self investigation, diligence, dedication to change at an individual level to live and recognize this potential and ‘power’ as a capacity and ability that we all have in our lives if we dare to truly work on our inherent self-corruption and align ourselves to live by principles to in essence, consider what is best for our lives and that of others, how we can become the example of everything that we preach and say ‘should be the new nature of the world’ out there. This takes time, takes effort, takes walking through our minds and all its challenges which I must be honest here: won’t be easy, but it has to be done if we are genuinely wanting to change this ‘corrupted’ world starting with ourselves.

My last suggestion is thus to start with investigating where corruption exists within you/self, instead of perceiving that corruption only exists ‘out there’ or in the form of some ‘manipulative and controlling evil people’ and in doing so, challenging this tendency we all have of keeping seeing ourselves under this ‘good light’ all the time, which if one actually dares to see, whenever we want to focus on the good only and not dare to or want to see the actual ‘dishonesty’, the actual ‘dirt’ that exists within us so to speak = indicates we are mostly existing in fear, which is probably also what leads to corruption in the first place, existing in fear of others, in fear of ‘not getting any’, fearing lack, fearing betrayal and so not trusting ourselves or others.

We recreate the same corruption over and over again by fearing seeing the truth of ourselves, that’s the first layer of self-corruption that is necessary to look at, where we deny or neglect seeing ‘the unpleasant’ stuff, the ‘dirty laundry’ that sometimes we even don’t dare to open up for ourselves. And let me tell you that it is actually really liberating and self-empowering to start opening up these ‘dark corridors’ and ‘hidden spots’ in our minds to first take all of those judgments we’ve spitted out toward others back to ourselves, asking oneself: where have I sought my own personal interest? Where and how have I lied to remain in a particular seemingly ‘comfortable position’ to not change myself? Where have I pretended to care about something and not really ‘caring’ but wanting to see myself in a ‘good light’ all the time? Where do I perceive that I am the only one that is ‘right’ about things? Where do I want to do good and at the same time ‘punish’ others for the ‘bad things’ they have done? Where do I want to ‘gain the most’ with the ‘least effort’? And the list goes on.

It is certain that one can only get to see this ‘clarity’ of ourselves by walking our minds and that means learning to see ourselves, to learn how to function without being controlled by our seemingly ‘uncontrollable emotions and feelings’ and dare to face and change the really self-corrupted ways that we have veiled off as ‘normal’ or ‘good parts’ within ourselves. We All have to do this if we want to truly stop the current usual ways of pretending change comes from this or that thing/person ‘out there’ only, it is about ourselves, one by one, so let’s get to wash some dirty laundry at home first.

This then goes back to how focusing on living principles, the golden rules, basic principles of self-honesty and – very important – self forgiveness is the way to fix ‘the greatest problems in the world’ such as corruption in our ‘economy’ or ‘inequality’ and so forth… now I consider that maybe that dream did have a point after all, where it is in fact so that we have to stop the delusional ‘cartoon’ image of Jesus and all the rest of nice stories and focus on the living principles, what they imply, how to live them.

Thanks for reading

 

Economics of Inequality - Living Principles

 

Learn more about Jesus and the living process of living principles:

 – The Crucifixion of Jesus

 

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Learn HOW to start doing this yourself :


443. Worry: Problems in the World Back To Self

 

A few days ago I had to take some pictures, the kind that one takes for passports and such. Throughout my life I’ve kept them all throughout the various phases in my life and it’s interesting to see the evolution of myself throughout the years not only due to the hairstyles, weight variations or ‘time of my life’ I was at, but more so seeing this constant expression that I had become aware within myself as part of my general rictus, which is what I would define as a worried face. I have a picture of myself as a four year old and what I see in my expression is worry. And surely, I have worried a lot throughout my life. Mostly when it comes to the global deterioration, us using/abusing the resources from the earth, depleting life to create our nonsensical ‘dreams’ that we call ‘living’ which I have also walked in a previous blog about ‘worry’ here:  Day 49: I Consume Myself – I Worry

Ever since I was a little child I’ve been ‘worrying’ about the water I use, how much I ‘spend’ of living resources including food, animals, vital elements for us to live and how we essentially use them up or pollute them to make our lives function, contributing to the wasteland that we are turning this world into. There was a time some 5 years ago maybe where I went through a phase of getting fed up of having to eat, getting fed up of having to go to toilet, and seeing myself as nothing else but this self-consuming parasitical entity that along with every other human being is equally depleting the life on Earth. I realized however through writing it out and making sense of it that I was in fact just becoming worried and living in self-pity as a very selfish emotional experience as well, because my ‘thoughts’ or ‘emotions’ didn’t change at all the fact that in order to live we have to keep consuming what is here, it is a consequential outflow as well of how currently life exists and me becoming on top of that ‘worried’ or ‘sad’ was actually placing more strain and stress on my very own physical body, the one that I was aiming at nurturing and supporting. I realized that I’ll have to continue doing it, over and over again until I die, and continuing in this ‘self-pity’ for having to live this way or hoping or wanting to die is not the solution either (hear my podcast on Efilism for more). So, I decided to instead make of my life something of support to life in this world, beginning with myself.

Being aware of the ‘greater picture’ in many ways, not only in what I would call ‘Earthly’ information as we see our politics, money systems, educational bogus systems, poisoned foods and airs… but also being aware of the greater purpose or meaning if you will of this life on Earth as it currently is, is both a way to make sense of my life but also can be at times a bit discouraging, considering that I am one of those people as I’ve explained  many, many times before that would rather prefer to die in order to let the Earth breathe again than hold on to my life and continue depleting it. I sincerely don’t recommend dwelling too much on that, because even if we all die on Earth, the ‘who we are’ and have become would at some point emerge again, maybe in some other living forms that would reflect again the same current ‘human nature’ and so, the ‘human problem’ would not be erased, because this goes beyond it being a ‘human’ problem only. Us humans are more like the climatic consequence of an existential process that goes beyond only looking at the ‘history’ we know of Earth and the rest of it. Though, because it would take a long time and many details to explain the ins and outs of why we are such ‘existential consequence,’ I rather stick to taking it back to myself and seeing directly how upon having this awareness of what ‘life’ on Earth is at the moment and the current problems we are dealing with, there is really no point in me continuing to worry about it.

Here as I write I notice that I’ve become worried about certain news I became aware of today. An example is how a business that opened across the street from where I live that I was quite committed to be a loyal costumer of to get my fruits and vegetables, is considering closing because there is not enough profit. I noticed I got sad because I had created an expectation of them doing well, I wanted to be part of the costumers that could make it thrive so that this family could have a good settled profit and business going… but it’s not happening. They are indebted and they cannot invest more money into it if the return is too low because of low sales, therefore there’s food that goes bad, the rent is too high and they had this loan already to pay back which means they are making no profit.

I started discussing this point and looking at the current set-up in the system where ‘new businesses’ are often the most difficult to get running and going, unless one has sufficient money to invest on it. Then I looked at the banking system where digits can be placed onto someone’s account and get some juicy profit back in the form of interests over the actual worked-for money back. There’s also the costumers that might prefer to get stuff a bit cheaper somewhere else, even though this shop has a great service, yet costumers might rather look first at saving some money instead of considering as I did in the sense of rationalizing that other settled business might not need ‘me’ as a customer any longer, I rather spend maybe a bit more to support this new business, this family and also choosing it because I like their service a lot. So, I looked at the absurdity of not having support for this kind of business as part of our economic system, because they are distributing essentials to live: food! Yet, for a variety of reasons that go beyond the ones explained as well, it’s just not taking off or there are no more means (money) to keep the trial phase.

Maybe someone might say ‘bah! It’s not your business, why do you worry about it?’ well surely it’s not ‘my business’ but I did like the fact that I could also benefit from it and at the same time throughout the months from the time It opened, I did create this constant if you will ‘desire’ to have these businesses thrive, supporting a new enterprise and family running it. I did expect it to work and well, we know what happens when expectations are created: one is prone to be ‘let down’ if they are not met, even though there is of course this risk that comes with any business too and people are also meant to be ‘ok’ or ‘ready’ for the potential outcome of having to foreclose.

This is another reason why it is important to accept things as they are and how they go taking place moment by moment. In my ‘ideal’ world everyone that has such supportive intent in a business – like distributing basics to live – would be unconditionally supported to get sufficient customers/business running for at least 6-12 months until it can be ‘running on its own.’ And also get sufficient support to do proper marketing as part of that initial aid/support to ensure that if the business fails, it is not based on doing all that the business people could to make it work, but for other reasons that pertain more to the products or the customer base, the demand for products and so forth. Anyways, won’t get too ‘technical’ here but in any case I don’t like just seeing a ‘closing story’ go like that, I want to know the reasons and see the potentials and the determination that the people have to make it work, which in this case I might also suspect they simply prefer to go back to doing other professions they were doing before, which is understandable in any case if that’s also part of the reason for closure.  So, that is one example that ‘got me worried’ today, though as I am writing of course I’m realizing that my worry does nothing really, it won’t sort out a single thing, at all. All I can do is rather understand why these things happen, suggest any solutions if I see them and then the rest that becomes too ‘unresolvable’ like debts and all of that, I then place as part of that ‘consequential process’ that we are all ‘coping with’ in this world, which we usually victimize ourselves in relation to which is usually money of course.

I’ve seen how there is this ‘hidden blame’ form whenever these things happen where once one traces the point back to ‘money’ as the apparent source of the problem, it is almost implied that one becomes worried, sad or even angry at things not working out ‘because of MONEY’ as well, yet as I was discussing this point the other day with my partner, it is quite futile to just point fingers at this ‘creation’ called money as the source of all of the problems, because of course money is not a ‘being’ in itself, it’s our creation and we are the ones that have decided – tacitly or blindly – how it works and by who and how it is created and who gets access to it and under which circumstances. To change that, as I’ve explained, it will take all of us one by one waking up to understand who we would have to be/become as individuals in order to then manifest the new nature of money as a life-enabler, not what it currently is as a life-enslaver so to speak. Yet this relationship of enslavement is not only existent as ‘money’ itself, not at all. It is but the main representation of how the relationship that we’re existing as within our own minds, toward our own body and so toward ‘everything else’ that has existed throughout our entire existence as human beings and may I say even beyond that as well.

Today I was also discussing how important and supportive it has been for me as this personality that would constantly worry about having to flush the toilet or take a shower because ‘ah there goes more of my waste into the world!’ and living in this constant apprehension mode,  to understand the ‘greater picture’ of why Earth is what it is right now, why we are here, how is it that we’ve all agreed and contracted ourselves to be here, experiencing this life and this world as what it is right now, and how it is actually a necessary thing as well to go through, undoubtedly so. 

Here even if one is not aware of the entire detail of why this is so or where I got this conclusion, due to the amount of time it would take to read/hear the whole history of this existence from the various sources that are available through the Desteni material and Eqafe, I can only say that if you are a person like me that has constantly worried about us having to live in this world, and constantly looking at the ‘greater picture’ more than one’s own life and experience here, and you have the time/resources and availability to learn about the history of mankind, the actual reasons for why we are here and the potential we all have in our lives, then please take a dive into the Eqafe material because it will assist you greatly in having a certainty as to ‘who we are/what we are doing here’ and at the same time, get the assistance and support to see what can one live/be/become to be part of the solution, instead of getting stuck within only seeing ‘the problems’ all the time or not having a clue about reality and still hoping that something will ‘magically erase all the problems’ which I’ve realized first hands tends to become a very gloomy view of everything without any solution, and would actually defeat the whole purpose of us realizing ourselves as co-creators of this reality and so, do our part in sorting it out.

This might sound a bit to generalized or cryptic due to not explaining the exact ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of the story, but suffice to say that there are processes that we have to understand as creators of our reality here. We cannot be trusted with life unless we prove to ourselves in our life that we can stand as the living principles, the living intent and purpose of making our own lives work in accordance to that which would enable life to grow, expand and thrive. Currently, we are not that yet, we are in the process of starting this change at an internal level to precisely realize or ‘see with real eyes’ how much we have enslaved ourselves within our own minds and bodies to the extent where we limit ourselves, we hold ourselves back from standing as real creators of the life we want for ourselves because there are fears, there are judgments, there are mental patterns that we’ve become entirely so to the extent that we become blinded by them and not seeing the  clarity of solutions, but only rehash the problem over and over again. So essentially – without the intent to judge myself and any other fellow human beings here but as a sheer realization – we have become our own trap and our own enslavement, starting with how we accept and allow ourselves to ‘operate’ and function in our own minds.

An example of this ‘acceptance and allowance’ is related to self-sabotage. I’ve been reflecting over this weekend about self-sabotage because it is a bit astounding to what extent we hold on to our failures, past destructive experiences and stories, creating this form of personal stigma that we keep carrying within ourselves as this bag of ‘dirty laundry’ that we don’t actually take to wash, lol. Meaning, there is almost this inherent nature in ourselves of self-defeatism, self-pity, self-destruction, self-sabotage to not see, lay out and focus on understanding our responsibility and so see the solutions that come with it, but instead we continue running around the same problems, memories, traumas, past experiences that we keep on ‘reloading’ in our mind, in our day to day awareness as almost a self-punishing reminder of why we are these ‘terrible’ creatures that deserve no forgiveness in life. I once was there, maybe not in the extent that other people with very difficult situations in life right now could be experiencing it, but to the point it is the same to consider that each one of us does have the ability to at least in our minds be willing to forgive ourselves, for everything that we’ve done and become. If this is not entirely understood as this actual realization of ‘what I have done and become’ and willing to let it unconditionally ‘go’ from our minds, then we are essentially condemning ourselves to live our own ‘sentencing’ as the judgments, the emotions, the memories that we’ve held on to as ‘the person we are’ and perceive ourselves to be unable to change ourselves.

Even if one may understand or see that “one has to be the change that we want to see in the world”, at a personal level we may still be holding on to this point of self-sabotage and dare I say captivity in how we treat or perceive ourselves in our own minds in a self-bullying mode, then how can we expect ourselves to move on, outgrow the old and expand in any real way?

 

And this is also why whenever we see or focus too much only on the ‘systemic’ problems out there, even if we take the point back to ourselves yet in doing so we perceive ourselves as powerless or unable to change or simply ‘too fucked up to do anything about it’ = it becomes the first deterrent in any process of real evolution and change in this world. And here the fact that I can become sad or worried about others doing this in their own lives, or others not having a successful living in their business becomes also a comfort zone for myself to only create an experience about it, yet it sorts nothing out either. I noticed how it’s also become too ‘comfortable’ to justify it as ‘I have a point in becoming sad about it!’ but: has sadness or worry in any ways assisted me to become a better living human being that is resourceful in solutions and also seeing immediately ways to act to sort things out or at least suggest them whenever possible? Nope, it hasn’t.

Today I actually did discuss options with the business people for example, yet at the same time realizing that it will also ultimately be their decision and what they are willing to go through of course, I still became a bit ‘down’ within myself after this discussion and surely discussed it with my partner as well once again to take myself back to this ‘greater picture’ understanding and it assists in not getting carried away with a sense of defeat. I’ve also realized that this worry has piled up from other situations I’ve become aware of lately where I see that any form of business that is geared as the kind of business/service that in fact supports the betterment of any form of living in this world gets little to no support or has to go bankrupt, because our priorities haven’t changed when it comes to what we prefer to buy and consume. Instead of say paying for a course that will assist you to become a very self-empowered individual that can become the gearing wheels to make anything in our lives work for the better – and not for a moment but for an entire lifetime – we decide to buy things that instead give us a momentary pleasurable experience that then might be blown up in smoke so to speak.

The same can be reflected with a business that focuses on ‘selling vegetables and fruits’ because if there’s more of a demand for junk food for example, then that also reflects a lot ‘where we put our money into’ and so the kind of businesses we push others to also consider as a way to thrive = and this is how we limit each other in very few options for ways to ‘ make a living’ where it is truly hard for anyone to make an ‘honest’ living with ‘honest’ activities altogether, which I dare say don’t or can’t really exist as such in a world where the very existence of money as is, is definitely not from a self-honest starting point of assisting life for example. And yet again, this is another consequence of who we are toward one another/ourselves that we’ve allowed something like money to exist the way it does now.

The same emerged upon seeing one picture of a collapsed and exhausted horse on the streets of NYC, once again realizing how much we are enslaving other beings that were once pure in their entire expression, and us humans have dominated them throughout time to turn them into the source of one’s income in an exploitative way, because: If we haven’t even focused on entitling each other human being with a dignified living income to have a decent amount of money to live well and at the same time, learn how can one best contribute back to society, then how can we not expect that the most abusive forms of ‘making a living’ emerge as a form to survive where people have to make use of animals for zoos, for hunting, for ‘romantic rides’ like in freaking NYC where this horse collapsed on the pavement as another consequential outflow of this monetary enslavement we’ve imposed toward each other – again, we have ALL – no one excused – contributed to the nature of what money is and the ‘laws’ behind its creation, which represents the exact nature and reflection of our own self-imprisonment, self-sabotage, self-punishment and ultimately self-enslavement as I explained above in terms of how we hold ourselves back from truly breaking-through to be the actual authors and directors of our lives.

So, how can we expect for example, this magical form of ‘democracy’ that currently exists to sort out things as in choosing x for z if we don’t even truly know what it means to gear one’s own power/capacity and ability as a person to be the living embodiment of what is best for oneself and so everyone else in this world? How can we even believe that such a choosing game contest that our current political circus represents, could deliver in any ways the ‘expected results’ if we live in an absolute abdication of self-responsibility and self-direction, or even a bit worse, we have no idea of what ‘that is’ or how to live it in fact?

This then goes back to oneself. It is truly a process that each one of us can take on in our most ‘simple’ day to day activities, it begins with taking on a particular experience in one’s day. Here I place my example, taking on ‘worry’ as an experience that has become almost this ingrained expression in my rictus ever since being a child, so the ‘why’ of this relates to probably other aspects that are not really needed to be ‘understood’ by myself in terms of knowing all the exact reasons and multiple dimensions to this experience – all I require to realize is that: I see it on my face, I experience it within me, I’ve been aware of it for most of my life.

So here for once and for all I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘by default’ or in a tacit manner blame money or ‘the way the system works’ that apparently prevents things from working out, instead of realizing that money works according to how we create it/make it work and function and as such any form of ‘blame’ is actually a lame way to keep oneself trapped in the problem, because it leads to no solutions, blame is like pointing the finger at a mirror that reflects ‘my error’ in any case. Therefore I realize that I have to stop these ‘hidden forms of blame’ towards money as the reason for things not working out in my life and rather realize that it is within each one of us/myself, to make money work properly in a way that is assisting for life/living, for myself and for everyone else in this world.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the expression of worry, concern, sadness when it comes to seeing the nature of ourselves as human beings, of this world, of the nature of how ‘things work and go’ wherein I now see, realize and understand that my worry, my concern, my sadness or ‘pain’ around it does absolutely Nothing to create a solution in this world; in any case it worsens it, why? Because I become the source of my inner War as worry and concern, which are emotions, energetic experiences that deplete my own physical body, that create a ‘fog’ to not see practical solutions and creates a strain on what is here as a point of life and support for myself: my physical body, my living substance.

I commit myself to use my mind in a way that is supportive, that can always bring the point back to (my)self where I see that continuing worrying and being concerned throughout seeing things not working out in people’s lives and things in the system in general creates zero solutions in this world. Instead I focus on me, on stopping the creation/recreation of worry within myself, in my body, in the nature of this ‘saddened’ expression’ in my face where I notice it becomes a general ‘low’ in my body, voice, experience and way of ‘handling myself’ in my body, tampering my expression.

Therefore I have to ensure that as I make this active decision to stop the worry from existing within myself, I have to breathe, to actively feel my physical body to the point where I can see I am not in ‘a low’ or ‘too tense’ or lost in some mind dimension. I straighten my back, I make sure I am no longer forcing my forehead to the expression of worry but instead extend my muscles to a point of comfortable relaxation – and at the same time focus on seeing solutions, whenever these exist at my own reach, and if not I focus on working out the points for myself/by myself and sharing them as I am sharing here.

Sometimes I’ve gone through this ‘circular processes’ of seeing the ‘bigger’ and the ‘smaller’ within myself yet believing that ‘bah this is too complex to lay out and share’ but, it is not, writing assists a lot in grounding oneself to see ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’ specially when one becomes this tunnel-vision mode and at the same time who knows, maybe assist others to see the same or confirm the same points they’ve been aware of as well.

 

One thing is certain too and this is that there won’t be easy fixes in this world, because I’ve realized that based on the lives ‘process’ that we are all facing in this world, we are here not to be punished or just realize how enslaved we are, but we are definitely here facing and living through the manifested consequences of who we are and have become in our very own existence to THEN learn and understand how to best stand as the solution and create solutions. Therefore, it is mostly about learning, understanding ‘our creative abilities’ which means: any ‘quick fix’ to only get money and get things ‘moving fast’ toward a solution without entire awareness of HOW we came to create the mess in the first place, would almost condemn us to repeat the same mistakes, because it would prevent us from understanding the self-creation process, which means realizing how we came to ‘this point’ where we are now and so what is it within ourselves that we have to learn to do, to correct, to align in order to become an actual living being that becomes part of that which enables life and proper living. Any ‘fast tracking’ on this could be consequential at the same time, but hey again, I’m willing to be proved wrong on how certain solutions can be implemented ‘on the outside’ and invariably see this immediate understanding or alignment of individuals in their minds, their behavior to adopt living principles and never again go back to ‘the old ways.’

Therefore because of the uncanny possibility the latter represents, even if I have been there myself as the people that would want solutions ‘now, now, fast, fast!’ to relieve all the pain and the suffering in this world and to those that are in extremely dire conditions,  I see that it does require active humbleness to embrace or accept the current nature of things as our manifested creation, which doesn’t meant to be ‘complacent’ or ‘do nothing at all’ about it, nope; it means not to fight it, not to become disempowered or saddened about it, but to understand it as, yes, an outcome and result of having kept ourselves limited and fearful, instead of actually developing living skills and creative abilities, actual self-supportive creative abilities to live in supportive relationships toward ourselves and our environments and so create societies that can become a structure of support for ‘our new human kindness.’

Now this ‘embracing’ or ‘acceptance’ doesn’t mean ‘look at it positively’ or ‘it’s all going to be just fine in the end’ type of ideas either, nope, not about wishful thinking. It means recognizing it as our own extension, reflection, as our own mirror (my-error) and our own creation and in doing so, in the recognition of this ‘whole mess’ as ours own, it actually empowers us, because it means no one else did it ‘onto us’ = we are the creators of it all, therefore we are also the keys, the points of change in this reality.

 

This would be for example the actual notion of what democracy would mean from my perspective as the ‘power of the people’, where each one of us recognizes that self-responsible ability/capacity to direct, to create, to assist in planning and constructing ways and means to conduct our lives the best possible way, individually and collectively. This approach doesn’t require the current political system as it exists, because if everyone is committing to do what is best for all, then there is no need for having person x or z to ‘represent you’ in doing something one can do for oneself… would we need ‘political factions’ with conflictive interests? Would we have the nature of ‘banks’ as they are right now? Would we have the need for the current existence of governments to ‘regulate our lives’ if we truly knew how to live in a respectful and honorable manner towards ourselves, one-another, our fellow earthlings and the earth’s resources? If we were truly aware of how interdependent we all are in this world, would there be a need to create ‘special interests’ for example? And the list goes on of potential changes that can emerge if we focus on essentially becoming self-responsible individuals that are geared to understand the problems, recognize the responsibility one holds to it and immediately direct oneself to see the solutions – within and without of oneself – in this, wouldn’t it be much easier to get to agreements, decisions processes and coexisting in a mutually beneficial system if everyone was living as the actual statement of honoring our life within and without? I bet it would, absolutely it would.

So, I also commit to stop getting worried/saddened or even a bit back into the ‘old depressed self’ as I used to be when it comes to seeing this ongoing self-destruction in the world, and understand that I rather use my living breath, my awareness, my focus, my living-body to learn what it means to live, as myself, and not having this constant ‘idea’ only in my head of ‘how bad this world is doing,’ I commit myself to not participate in such emotions but rather live as the potential of creativity and personal empowerment that exists within me to focus my life and attention to that which is supportive.

I share/propagate this awareness unconditionally for anyone that may or might face a similar ‘abyssal’ experience as the one I tend to get every now and then with this ‘world view’, yet! I can also say that throughout the years these ‘episodes’ last less and less time, because the more I stand as that decision of not contributing to the ‘wallowing’ experience but instead understanding why it emerges and so with awareness deciding to stop my participation in it,  definitely becomes easier to walk through it because it then doesn’t depend on ‘the world changing’ or ‘the system changing’ out there or me voting for x or z solution or waiting for some alternative option to emerge, but instead the focus starts with and goes back to myself: who I decide to be and how I decide to live here in my life, in my body, in what I do and what I decide to focus on.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Lost in the Holy See

 

Suggested interviews:

World War YOU – Reptilians – Part 304

Self Victimization – 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Part 34

The Consciousness of the Dog – Part 2:What is the general experience within people of being alive and how does it influence your experience and perceptions of life?

 

Learn HOW to start doing this yourself :


442. Back To Self: My Current Story

Today I’d like to share some things that I have been realizing for quite some time in relation to the process I’ve walked thus far in terms of, to put it simply, focusing a lot more on what’s happening ‘out there’ as the world, the problems outside of us, investigating and educating myself on how the systems in this world work and who we are as individuals within it all. I’ve spent a fair amount of time researching solutions, alternatives, groups, information, talking to people promoting and creating these solutions, a lot of it having to do with me having this drive to ‘find some way, somehow, to create a solution for humanity, for all the reasons we all know of course.

Here I begin by stating how I see that this is a relevant thing to do for each of us as human beings, to really put our time and effort to learn, educate ourselves on things one won’t ever get taught in schools/universities, like in my case even now getting to know that the people that were set as these ‘great figures’ in literature and art have been essential individuals in precisely creating and configuring also many of the cultural – excuse the word – fuckups we are living in right now, to place it mildly as mind control and behavioral entrainment. This is just one example based on what I studied in school only, though the same applies for all things related to politics, economy, sociology, culture, entertainment, sports… the list goes on, everywhere one can spot the exact same patterns ‘polluting’ the expression of something that we all could be living in this world if we were entirely self-aware and self-directive individuals.

Well, I just made the whole story short right there. For a long time I considered the focus on the ‘internal change’ as something of less importance or rather considering that some were ‘petty’ things or ‘meaningless’ when comparing them to and considering the ‘greater things’ that I conceived to be more relevant in (my) life, like un-convering the truths about money or getting to know who is who in the world of corporate ruling, the ins and outs of corruption in politics and so forth… again I still don’t see this as entirely irrelevant either, but I do see that in my mind I definitely had placed more emphasis on that ‘side’ a lot more while seeing ‘who I am within it,’ but at the same time also expecting that if any ‘real’ solution would emerge in this world, it would be implemented through a new money system, new political system, something ‘new’ or improved version of our current reality imposed ‘from the outside’ which is kind of funny now to see it that way – but hey, it takes also time/space to get to this understanding – of how essentially the world outside of ourselves is as fucked up as each one of us inside is. Surely, won’t apologize for the big words, because that is the stark reality of things in this world. I noticed time and time again whenever one uncovers any ‘solution’ or ‘alternative’ of some kind, or even general information on understanding ‘the problems’ of the world, the same old patterns of blaming some ‘they/them’  arise everywhere, placing this finger onto some kind of greedy/elitist/oligarchy and royal creators of the fuckup – not ever seeing any ‘me’ included in all of that information – and essentially also seeing how getting a little too much information creates this separate entity where one becomes maybe a bit too ‘knowledgeable’ about things, but, how much of it can one directly apply in one’s life today to make our day to day living better? And here I’m talking about very basic considerations like the way we relate with people in our environment, our decisions in what we eat, how we care for our bodies, how we communicate with others…. Etc. Simple ‘day to day’ stuff.

I can only say that through understanding the problems, one can also spot and trace the solutions as I have shared some of that throughout the years in these blogs that were also more related to the world ‘out there’ and I’m grateful that I’ve walked that point too. But more so than ever now, right now,  I am convinced that as much as it is important to continue seeing what changes happen ‘out there’ in politics or economics and so forth, as long as the self, the I, the ‘me’ in all human creations and equations is not changed = nothing will ever truly really change.

I gave to someone the example of how sometimes we focus so much on creating this super nice system ‘out there’ that is like a brand new pair of shoes, very nicely brushed and polished and brand new laces ready to be placed on a pair of feet. But, if that pair of feet has grown completely crooked because of having had an entire lifetime of having no shoes, shifting more to an enlarged proportion because of not ever having such structure – or being somewhat crooked for having no specific support while developing/growth process – then, fitting such shoes will be quite a push, a conflictive situation most likely because as a saying goes in Spanish ‘a  la fuerza ni los zapatos entran’ which means with force, not even the shoes really fit. This brings back to the point of how I was probably expecting this greatly aligned structure or societal system that could suddenly be voted on and implemented to just get ourselves to a ‘better place’ as humanity, surely not as a magic fix but as a starting point… I still can keep this idea as a nice hope if anything, but time and time again and upon seeing the actual process of time/space any change takes, I’ve decided to conclude that of course this won’t happen in my lifetime most likely and even if it does, I’m sure as hell there will be LOTS of work to do to focus on the self, the ‘personal education’ if you want to call it that which is essentially learning how to live as a real human-kindness.

On another aspect upon being myself part of a group and organization that is aiming at doing this at the best way of our ability, it is equally challenging when having the same principles or considerations to entirely put aside any personal patterns/limitations toward one another and individually to make something work, this is just the reality of things and it takes real effort and support from each other to keep standing and walking together, takes a real empathy and consideration each one of us to do so.  At the same time, I’ve seen how some great ideas, groups, political and social movements, associations for world change eventually stumble upon problems, obstacles, inner fights and struggles due to – mostly – personal egos clashing, differences between one another, power trips, greed, righteousness, individualism, resentments, comparisons, envies, control-freakism …. The list really does not end here. Some other problems are not all ‘negative’ but also implying ‘lacks’ like lack of trust with other human beings to create and develop something, lack of proper communication, lack of commitment, lack of considering responsibility in long term, lack of self-respect, lack of care, lack of humbleness, lack of motivation…. And the list also goes on.

So, throughout these past months and upon reflecting this, I realize that we definitely got a massive task at hand when it comes to considering ‘change’ in humanity and this world, and that is precisely starting within ourselves. I have been time and time again investigating things, seeing potentials and then only later on finding out the ‘nitty gritty’ details of some personal dispute in an organization, a lack of commitment, greed, self-sabotage, plain anger, depression, desire for only getting a pleasurable lifestyle being some of the obstacles to make something really work. And this was actually quite cool to see and realize, in spite of what it means in terms of ‘things not working out’, because I then saw how those organizations and solutions that truly work ‘to the T,’ are those that are currently running most of the ways in the world, and every person motivated there is being so because of money, huge profits, huge benefits, ‘great lifestyles’, power, control… yet when something truly implies working on an almost volunteer basis or simply doing what could be considered as ‘giving your time’ to something that is not immediately pleasurable or ‘nice’ in experiential value, it mostly doesn’t work because we simply haven’t learned to prioritize what really matters to be and do in our world.

So, this is how I saw the need to shift my focus and attention Back To Self, back to the very patterns at a mind level which of course become behaviors, patterns, ‘ways’ in which we interact with others and ‘who we are’ within ourselves that is really THE point that we have to turn our heads back to focus on. I enjoy having discussions with my partner about this/that system or solution or proposal here/there that could apparently ‘sort out the world’  and how eventually making it work would really, truly, depend on each one of us to make it work, to live according to the principles intended to be lived/applied in some of these solutions.  Time and time again we just end up saying the exact same words of ‘the lack of self honesty ruins this/that’ or ‘really, it all goes back to ourselves again’ ‘it’s about human nature change!’ or ‘any system will only be as good as the people in it’ wherein it IS human nature that – from my perspective and after all of these years of looking mostly ‘outside’ of myself and creating a form of ‘hope’ in that – we should focus on changing: ourselves.

Remember that saying of ‘be the change you want to see in this world?’ I consider I didn’t entirely get it before, I was more like considering it as in ‘investigate all that you can to find the solution out there, do your part in it!’ which surely, again, it’s cool and honorable as well to care at that level… but over and over again I see the lack of common sensical considerations which are embedded in principles like doing and considering what is best for everyone, considering everyone as equals in living substance, doing, sharing, assisting others as I would like to be shared with, assisted with and done unto, loving/caring for others as I am learning to love/care for myself, to develop effective relationships with those that are in our immediacy, learning how to be a supportive parent, to learn how to become a better person that stands with self-awareness, integrity, self-respect, self-care, self-honesty, dedication, commitment, discipline, humbleness, perseverance and a great determination to truly become an example in this world of what it means to become a living breathing human being.

These are truly ‘great words’ and I surely got a long way to get these words lived as ‘who I am’ meaning as the new ‘nature of me’ I am willing to create for myself – but I will say it until I give my last breath as I learned also from Bernard Poolman: unless we focus on ourselves, to align every bit of our being to stop the ‘sabotage’ or ‘mind patterns’ that exist within us that we reflect on the nature of ‘the outside’ as world system: nothing will ever change. Here it can sound too ‘radical’ for some, but I rather share it than keep it ‘brewing’ in my insides. I rather leave it here as a declaration and statement of where I stand, what I am mostly interested on and so focused on, having in a way gone all around just to get back to this core point, which is cool because now it stands as a proven fact, nor only a statement or theory I got.

Here I’ve also taken my time to write this out because I’ve been deliberately almost wanting to ‘prove myself wrong’ in such declaration, in the sense of wanting to actually find something that truly works because every person is in fact embodying the principles and alignments that are intended as a form of solution or aid for the world. It is hard to find one, dare I say it is non-existent as of yet. Why? Because it is only fairly recently that we have ‘woken up’ from the slumber of being these programs running around seeking self-interest only and caring little to nothing about ‘the world out there’, dare I say even question the kind of ‘motivations’ we use to wake up every day. And even if there’s been people that have spent their lives trying to make a change or have lived in a principled and considerate manner for their entire lives – just as it happened with Jesus – just ‘listening to them’ and seeing how ‘nice’ it all sounds does nothing, because unless one actively ‘gets the point’ and commits to be that living change within oneself, it all becomes futile when it comes to creating a great impact ‘out there’ for a greater change.

Here also I reflect on how it’s a bit funny when I look back at how I wanted to see this kind of change in some form of ‘same movement’ or ‘en masse’ in some kind of sudden and empowering life changing event, lol. Nope! Most likely won’t ever happen like that. Instead it will be this individual process of actual evolution/revolution/change if you will, where each one that decides to ‘get the point’ of what it means to ‘be the change in the world’ will genuinely be and live so by substantiating our day to day lives with words, attitudes, behaviors, ‘ways of being’ toward ourselves and others and everything that we do in a way that we go day by day becoming a better person, in the considerations of the principles mentioned above. This way, I am quite certain, we can truly change the world. Because the more and more people realize what kind of atrocities exist within our minds, in our personal relationships with those around us – yes, those that we are supposed to ‘care for and love for’ but might be struggling to have a decent communication with – are in fact THE problems to focus on and sort out first of all, if we are to ever create a healthy path and way for the coming generations to step in a more self-responsible type of culture and society in general.

What I also like about this approach is that you don’t need to have a particular ‘affiliation’ with anything either, unless you can/want to do so, but it is simply a set of principles and considerations that one can live and apply no matter where you are in the world, how alone or how accompanied you live, what ideologies you may have, what systems or projects you might be involved in = doesn’t matter! These are all universal considerations so that no matter ‘what’ or ‘where’ one is, one can apply these points and be part of the change in this world, just by deciding to make some changes in one’s life and actually doing so.

In this I’ve also proven that one can understand many things about the world out there, trace all problems back to money, which is really the way we have created, accepted and allowed money to exist and behind it lies the rest of the human ways that are in fact the root and cause of the problems in this world, and that is where I realize time and time again the focus should be on as well and in this, doesn’t matter how well one can understand the theory: if we are not really seeing within ourselves the ‘qualities’ that we’ve given to money itself, if we are not seeing ourselves as the origin of the problem and so realizing ourselves as the origin of the solution = it will be quite hard to get us all to the ‘next step’ for this process of self-responsible living change, which is really not only a matter of intellectually realizing it and getting an ‘aha’ realization, it’s an actual challenging day to day ‘doing’ which is where the ‘proof of the pudding’ is… knowing the ingredients and ‘way to make’ is one thing, surely important part but! What matters is really the ‘making’ of it.

It’s good to get informed, get to know the intricacies of our reality, get to know essentially what one has accepted and allowed without any awareness, and to continue to be aware of the actual purposes of most of the stuff we get to see on ‘mainstream’ waves and in our common realities – but I’d recommend to also at the same time do the personal self-check of always tracing those points/patterns that lead to a general human/systemic sabotage back to self, whether they are greed, deception/lies, self-interest, self-indulgence, perversion, dishonesty, laziness, racism, a slave mentality, doing the least effort, seeking personal satisfaction only, despotism, selfishness, fighting, punishing, keeping grudges, comparing…. Etc. all of these points can be traced ‘back to self’ and see well where do I stand in relation to all of these principles, how can I truly stand as a self-responsible individual, how can I also learn to actually live, how can I expand and grow as a person and assist others in doing the same? And when looking at this, I can say that I’ve barely started, which is great! Because then it is all pointed back to myself, I have the key to change these aspects for me by me and within me no matter ‘where I am’ in the world, or ‘what I do’ – this is about changing the nature of who I am in my own personal work, my own day to day living wherein every moment is either an opportunity to change, live and prove a way to better oneself, to become creative in simple things in our lives – or it becomes another day of re-living the past, the tormented mind, the depression, the ‘struggle’ and or the ‘hopeful’ and self-saboteur  character expecting something/somehow to suddenly – faithfully, hopefully – fix the world?

 

For now where I stand is actually probably for the first time in this entire self-support process, focusing more on the ‘me’ here, the ‘little things’ in myself and my personal life and in doing this also extending it to whoever I can and am able to, doing as I would like to be done unto.

For example, I can say I am for the first time developing a supportive relationship. Sounds simple, for some might sound as too selfish or self-interested or losing ‘ground’ when it comes to my previous approach also to this blog, which are in fact my own thoughts of the past too in considering ‘there are more relevant things in life than my petty life’ but! I’ve proven myself wrong: the more I focused on the ‘outside’ or what I perceived as ‘greater’ or perceived ‘more important things’ the more I escaped or avoided myself from looking within and actually facing oneself in a situation such as a relationship where a LOT of patterns, behaviors, selfishness, righteousness, greed, emotional reactions, forms of control can come up and emerge to be faced within oneself, which can either become a nightmare or a ‘blessing’, depending of where one is in one’s personal process as well. And here again tracing the line back to how these same ‘ingrained ways’ have become the ways/methods and the nature of the ‘systems’ that we are currently accepting and allowing ourselves to be ruled and governed by in the outside, well why? Of course because they are human creations! J

I am entirely willing to walk this point and for first time learn to trust myself in a relationship for example, for the first time be willing to challenge ‘my ways’ – which oh boy are they ‘ingrained’ and in all little subtleties or seemingly ‘menial’ things that us human beings tend to simply little by little ‘brush aside’ to focus on ‘the greater’ – and dare to embrace another person in my life and what that in fact means in a dedicated manner.  And this extends to other areas like focusing on developing a supportive relationship with my body, with the people around me, my family, to give the best of myself in my work and the support I can provide to others, to commit to apply myself even in the most ‘routinely’ moments that we don’t question much yet reveal a lot of ‘what is ruling inside us’ as well, to not give into the least effort, but to genuinely see what expression of myself do I want to create today that is beneficial for me and so others as well.

 

Someone may consider or say I am missing the point of walking both points simultaneously, within and without, and surely that’s a great approach, but It would be mostly awesome if that ‘within’ approach is equally emphasized as the outside process that sometimes, might be perceived as the only point that needs change or as a ‘short cut’ for self or personal change, which I consider it will be really difficult to happen unless! It happens and I am entirely proven wrong, which would be actually very awesome at the same time and then I would be able to expand my current perspective. But for now, I simply share here how we/us human beings can end up wrecking up the smartest and best solutions that can exist as a plan/project or ‘on paper’ idea due to not having been in fact living the actual principles embedded within these beneficial ideas… so I place back the finger to us and our human nature to focus on.   

The single decision to do personal changes in our day to day whether it is a particular experience of fears, depressions, anguish, blame, discomfort in ‘one’s own skin’ that one might be facing, an addiction, a lack of will to care for one’s body, a disregard for another in our lives, a ‘bad relationship’ … just by taking this one point and walking it through to a point of change and alignment to what is best for all might take some time, can’t tell ‘how long’ but who cares really!? It is a matter of self-respect to decide to do so, it is the decision to do so and live such decision that which matters the most from my perspective, to not only ‘try’ and give up next day, but actually ‘doing it’ fully with the whole intent of truly becoming ‘a new person’ that can then be the example, the ‘first stone in the flesh’ of creating a new society, a new world where everyone is truly caring and loving each other.

It is for those genuine decisions to gather courage to face the real ‘evil’ within oneself, to get out of one’s comfort zone and commit oneself to change, to focus on ‘bettering oneself’ or ‘working on oneself,’ being diligent in letting go of one’s ‘mind patterns’ or ‘ego’ – for a lack of better word – that I actually take my hat off for, because this is what takes the actual courage and most challenging situations to do, where the actual day to day and moment to moment ‘tests’ exist that truly can change our ‘wood’ so to speak, the nature of what ‘we’re made of’ and have been up to now if we decide so. Doing this would, as a result, be reflected in the world we create, which at the moment and how we stand as ‘creators of our reality’ I am sure you also consider it is a disgrace and a shame to call ourselves the creators of it all.

So, to no longer wallow in all that we know is ‘wrong’ out there and all the corruption, greed and torturous nature of the system out there… I rather ask each one of us to take the finger of blame, anger, discord, apathy and vengefulness back to self and this is where I see that we can all, together, without exception – one by one – genuinely discover all the potential we hold within ourselves, if we just dare to truly focus on ourselves to ‘be the change that we want to see in this world.’

 

Thanks for reading

 

Artwork019

 

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441. Paranoid Assumptions: How to Walk Through Them

 

This is a continuation to an aspect within myself that I had written down, disclosed and seen from many angles a couple of years ago in the entry 396. I Think, therefore I Assume but, certainly as with many other aspects and points we find within our minds, it is just not going to go away by writing it out or self-forgiving the mess made by assuming all at once. This point of ‘assuming’ which is a guessing process wherein, in my particular case, I use that uninformed ‘guess’ to jump into a conclusion about something/someone in such a fast pace that it can determine in one moment who I am going to be or how I am going to react to another person only by misunderstanding, jumping into conclusions, guessing ‘where the person is coming from’ or ‘what they are hiding’ or ‘what they are implying,’ which I must remind myself are all entirely my sole creation.

What do I mean by ‘my creation’? An assumption as I see it, is a series of thoughts that we concoct inside our minds as a reply or reaction based on some input we have, which means information from an external source. Now, upon discussing this point last night with my partner, I realized how I was kind of ‘vilifying’ the word ‘assumption’ in itself, and it is not that it is all ‘bad’ about making a guess about things, that’s Not the problem, but who we are within guessing or assuming and if one is emotionally invested into it.

So, I take his explanation to place it out here because it assisted me to see how there can be plain ‘guessing’ that comes without any personal investment onto it, like say I ‘guess’ or ‘assume’ it’s going to rain today because there’s a ton of those very gray clouds in the sky. That’s about it, a guess, an assumption based on the state of the sky in that moment. There’s an educated guess that comes from say checking out the weather forecast in more than one source – which is still not an absolute point of accuracy – and one can make an educated guess or assumption that ‘yes, it will rain because two or more sources indicate so.’ There can also be a ‘paranoid’ form of guessing where one is emotionally invested onto it, like say if I hated the rain because it ruins my possibility to go for a walk, and so if I look up at the sky and see the wind and the clouds and I immediately get flustered about it because ‘It’s going to rain, yes, and my going out will be ruined, oh god why!’ type of overwhelming reaction – exaggerated here but to get the point – is where one then creates a relationship to ‘raining’ or a particular weather as a source for personal discomfort, anger, frustration and the rest of it within oneself. This ‘paranoid guessing’ that comes from only checking up at the sky and then reacting emotionally to it, is what we usually create patterns of so that whenever I see the same colors in the sky, I don’t even bother to think further other than just jumping into the assumption that ‘my day is ruined because I won’t go for a walk, because it’s going to rain.’

Now this is a ‘light’ example so to speak, but if we transpose it to other more ‘personal’ situations like say assuming that my partner ‘would like to be with another individual he sees on the streets better than me’ based on a paranoid guess, a paranoid assumption and we don’t communicate or investigate further about it in terms of opening up ‘who he is’ within looking at another person in a particular way and so walking through that point together, one can jump into this ‘paranoid assumption mode’ that can spiral out of control into a form of paranoia, a reel of backchats within oneself that come with a tension, a fear, an anxiety of ‘them wanting to be with another instead’ or ‘I am not good enough for him so that’s why he checks others out’ or ‘I bet he’d prefer a less imposing relationship’ etc. etc. Which is something that actually has happened to me and that upon opening up this point with my partner, it was cool to realize how he understands the pattern, how automated it is as a simple ‘checking out’ which has also to do with very ingrained male programming that he simply has to be more diligent to direct if he is up for doing so. He clarified how there is no ‘intent’ in it beyond that momentary experience of ‘checking out’ for example that he had been quite conditioned to, so that will be then his point to work through and my point is to Not jump into these paranoid assumptions from one figment of reality that I take within me to react to.

 The point here is that through rather asking directly, opening up the point, there were no more ‘paranoid assumptions’ about it, but instead we can work with facts, reality checks. I got to see how in fact I was escalating the point waaay too much, which I had done before but that time in the past, I kept it quiet and building it up for some time, until I confronted it and turned out to be true in relation to these distractions, where I also shared my personal experience and process of in this case also directing myself to no longer ‘unconsciously’ seek for ‘other potential partners’ for example, no matter how ‘automated’ this had become in my case as well. So it became a point of understanding as well that it takes time and real diligence to master this point of no longer ‘deviating’ my attention once I am in a committed relationship.

So that was a long explanation, but! It was assisting for me to also see the variations of ‘assumptions’ and so here to redefine the relationship to these ‘paranoid assumptions’ where I have considered I jump into conclusions and ideas and perceptions all based entirely only on what exists within me

Here another point opens up: it means that these ‘paranoid assumptions’ are in fact  my own projection toward others, where I can be the one that hides, implies, beats around the bush or speaks from a state of reaction about things. So, I see that paranoid assuming becomes much more prevalent when – again, assuming – lol – that we all won’t just ‘say things as they are’ but implying there is always something that is kept away/aside/hidden for the sake of benefiting or protecting oneself or any other form of ego-trait that leads us to, for example, not explain ourselves entirely toward another, which can be also a practical reason in many contexts. An example is how one won’t go explaining one’s entire medical condition to someone that asks ‘how are you doing’ and even if one visibly looks not so well, let the whole clinical history out in that moment, we usually say we are ‘doing so so with x situation, but recovering’ and the other person can be ‘ok’ with the response, not lying just not giving the whole explanation, not for the sake of ‘hiding’ or anything, but for practical reasons.

These ‘paranoid assumptions’ imply the moments where I immediately ‘jump’ to ‘fill in the blanks’ coming from the starting point of already assuming that this person exists already in a constant state of seeking benefit or perpetual deception, or usually hiding something, or just blatantly lying for some reason. I can see that this can be defined as ‘lacking trust towards others’ but this is more of my own reflection as well when it comes to being aware how us humans operate in our minds  and so believing that others are lying, hiding all the time. This could be a reality, yes, but it is exactly because of this justification around ‘Everyone lies, everyone deceives, everyone is dishonest’ that I go justifying my ‘assumptions’ and qualify them as ‘real’ in no time, which has led me to jump into unbearable assumptions that mostly lead to conflictive situations, simply because of how fast I ‘made up my mind’ about something or someone without actually taking the steps to apply the ‘antidote’ to assuming: investigating, asking questions, communicating, clarifying, opening up the point with another until clarity is reached.

Why has it taken so much from me to actually ask? Because! There is a righteousness involved in assuming, in believing that ‘I am always right’ about another’s intentions, state of mind or hidden agendas, which is of course not entirely so. Sure, I mean, when we get to know how our minds operate and one becomes like a ‘mind technician’ where one is able to see the equations behind things, it does get a bit tricky to not immediately do so and assume that ‘it’s always going to work that way’ but, in reality there are lots of exceptions and I have been tested quite often based on the assumptions I have created toward my partner for example, and time and time again after jumping into assumptions and responding from my assumptions to something, and when deciding to ‘roll back’ the moment and see what steps did I ‘miss’ or ‘where did I jump into conclusions’ I realize that I in fact ‘filled in the blanks’ in my mind, even though what was said was quite clear in itself. This is the moment where I have to apply humbleness in recognizing that yes, I did assume or made it ‘more’ than what it is in my mind, which in other words is that acceptance of being wrong about my assumption and so propose a solution in that moment to my ‘mistakes’ which in this case are ‘missed-steps’ in communication.

One can also say that assuming comes from a form of control, believing that one ‘knows’ someone or knows how ‘predictable’ we all are that we immediately jump into these ideas or beliefs and believe in them, blindly so. I consider this is part of one of the greatest problems in communication in fact, where we believe we ‘know’ what another person is ‘truly about’ or ‘truly like,’ and how just by observing them, hearing their words, or misinterpreting their interactions toward ourselves or others that we can already assume/predict or magically ‘know’ exactly what they are ‘all about.’ Wrong! And we do this just because of a) not daring to actually get to know a person in reality, which means, actually communicate and truly see who are they in their words, in their life, develop a relationship with them; or b) because we believe we already ‘know the reasons’ behind anyone’s words – which is like this all knowing god-ego that we carry around in our heads – and so we apparently need ‘no more explanations’ from another because we are already in fact projecting our assumptions, our beliefs about others, so ‘why bother, if I already know it?’ type of reaction, which I could label as arrogant, conceited and egotistical of myself, however judging myself for it is of course not the solution here, at all.

I have seen myself create an entire ‘story’ of assumptions as to create a ‘why’ to something in what is called ‘quantum time’ meaning, super- fast and in that moment already reply, after seconds of hearing some version of a story, a set of words wherein I ‘assume’ that I know the real reason behind that, therefore I have the right to, for example, appear as ‘outraged’ about something even if through words I may say a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but within an entire stance and experience within myself of apparently ‘already knowing the ‘truth’ of the matter’ and so, justifying my immediate reaction to something or someone within a particular experience. All of this is in fact one of those ‘chain reactions’ or massive paranoid assumptions that can unfold to what is most commonly known as arguments or verbal battles between people, just becomes of one or both – or more involved – going into various assumptions of what either one meant to in fact say.

 

So, first of all a point I have to continue working on is on slowing down, just today I had one of those situations where upon asking something to my partner and upon getting a very straightforward answer, I immediately went into assuming the ‘missing link’ I was already going to ‘take on’ as ‘what he implied’ but fortunately he immediately said ‘and by saying that, no, I don’t mean that I would do this/that’ which means, he added more information to prevent me from going into one of those ‘insta-assumptions’, which means that yes he’s already aware of my ‘pattern’ of jumping into these conclusions which actually have contributed to misconstrue the idea I have of him, which if I look back it actually becomes a way to continue imprisoning each other within those same judgments and ways to treat or perceive another, because we believe they ‘haven’t changed’ or ‘have been this/that way in the past’ and so not allowing another to in fact step out of ‘the past’ if I recreate it even within my paranoid assumptions. Lol, it’s been actually quite great because this way it becomes a constant point to test myself and see where I go into ‘reading between the lines’ about a situation, and when I in fact ‘burst the paranoia bubble’ and simply ask directly. So far, asking directly and to the point has dispelled a Lot of misunderstandings or paranoid assumptions on my side, which has in turn become a gift of developing communication, understanding and even trust in the sense that I then get to know where another stands in relation to something/someone and becomes an actual communication, veering towards a self-supportive approach rather than just recriminations, back and forths, quiet paranoid assumptions and the plethora of reactions that may stem from there.

Now, here I’ve used the partnership relationship as an example, but I could go on and on in the ways I assume things about almost everything, and so this is also a point for me to commit to slow down in my mind whenever wanting to ‘jump into paranoid assumptions’ and rather ask more questions, get more information, communicate more, develop a ‘getting to know’ another if I see I have held some judgment about them for some time, get to understand the ‘why’ of something, because this assists us in rather looking at potentials for solutions and change, rather than remaining escalating this paranoia which is of course not a cool way to go living at all.

Points to change or challenge oneself with when stopping paranoid assumptions? Real time application of admitting and changing one’s righteousness, sense of ‘pride’ or know-it-allness, one’s fear to communicate or open up something due to ‘fearing conflict’ for example, or ‘fearing losing’ a relationship of any kind, or just fearing breaking out of one’s bubble to communicate with another, and also very important! Once that one gets the actual facts – whether they are entirely true or not – to not go into paranoia about questioning that further information one may get when stepping out of assuming and communicating or investigating something further, like say me reacting to the realization that yes my partner was checking someone else out, lol, that would only re-wire the paranoia again. It is about in that moment talking through the points to acknowledge self responsibility in both sides – or if the other person is not aware or up for ‘self change’ then simply one’s own responsibility – to not go into further reactions or delusions, but instead then work with one’s own reactions, fears, emotions based on the responses we get, that’s one’s sole responsibility not another’s. The rest, should always be worked out, talked through with the two or more involved in the situation. That is to rectify that in fact, we can only change ourselves, we can only be an example and show to others ‘how it can be sorted out’ but, we can’t ever push another to do the same for themselves, unless they are entirely deciding to do so themselves.

Ok, some more dimensions/aspects might open up in time, but for now this has cleared up for me to see that when going into ‘paranoid assumptions’ I rather immediately communicate, speak up, investigate which means asking, confronting, walking through the fear that this might imply at times and realize that it’s just a limitation to actually see things for what they are so that we can work with ‘how things are’ in fact, and not building ‘possibilities’ or ‘ifs’ based on illusions/delusions or paranoid assumptions as uninformed guessing. This way one can instead build a solid relationship with another by understanding, by looking at solutions together rather than building up and remaining in conflicts and reactions.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Pointing back at me

 

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440. What Do I Deserve?

 

There is one word that – along with the word ‘Rewards’ – I had created a particular relationship of dislike to, and that is ‘Deserve.’ As with anything that one comes to like or dislike it means that one has created a particular relationship to it, loaded with experiences, definitions and considerations that are seemingly ‘devoid of solutions’ which is also an illusion. So I considered it is time to set the record straight when it comes to this word ‘Deserve’.

It’s great to work in this process also assisting others in seeing their own minds, words and relationships created to themselves and others through them, because this word ‘Deserve’ actually emerged through a conversation with another person and so, in order to best assist and support another I realize I have to stand clear in relation to that word as well if I am to share my own example of how to walk a redefinition or re-creation of a word in a way that is supportive, and so no longer harbor a ‘dislike’ relationship to this word .

With deserve there are two ways in which I’ve identified most people use them and I can only recall using it myself in one of those ways.

The first one is in the context of personal debasement, an inferiority, an ‘unworthiness’ of sorts where we lead ourselves to say ‘I don’t deserve this/that’ when it comes to generally supportive or generally ‘good’ things in life, which is a very nice trap in our minds because, who is there to decide what we are ‘worthy of’ but ourselves? I can only assume that there can be traces of religious programming where one believes one has become a sinner with no solution at all and therefore defining oneself in the ‘lowest level of life’ from which one decides one isn’t worthy of something, as a form of punishment or also as a form of martyrdom.

This is the one I recognized I have applied before in my life, mostly in my teens where I truly considered ‘my life is not worthy at all’ so what’s the point in it? Or ‘I am not worth the food that I am eating’ or also in the context of belonging to the human race, seeing myself only as a parasite that continually feeds of everything and gives nothing back. This is a ‘common place’ I could still go into if I allow myself to flow in that pessimist tendencies I have created within me, where one only focuses on the bad, the wrong, the guilt, the shame, the remorse, the problems and sees no way out. Takes time to face all of these points but I can tell here that one is able to for the most part effectively redirect this into constructive directions.

‘I am not worthy of living’ or ‘I am not worthy of life’ is something that comes up mostly when realizing certain abusive aspect of myself towards others or life itself, as in not honoring the very breath that I am able to inhale every moment to keep myself alive. This is something that one could easily define as being ‘unsatisfied’ or ‘depressed’ or ‘demotivated’ but they are all in fact states of self-abdication where one is simply not effectively giving oneself a purpose, a direction, a reason to live for one’s own wellbeing and that of others/ the rest of life itself. When one is continually self-indulging into what may rejoice us momentarily but is truly not contributing to anything of significance to one’s own life development and that of others as well. It is in fact then when I had associated the word ‘deserve’ to being a ‘disservice to life’, not serving, not helping, not growing, not expanding, but only surviving, going by or ‘growing in greed numbers’ so to speak as in focusing on feeding our egos and that’s it. 

When I first realized about this process of self-realization and observing everything around me as an extension of myself, I had an emotional breakdown that compares to the lines I wrote above of ‘I am not worthy of living’ or ‘we are all parasites, we should just not exist’ ‘we don’t deserve all of this, we don’t deserve to live.’ It is a dark place to be in for sure, but also a necessary one to at least face once in one’s life. Why? Because it had a profound effect in my life to finally ‘open eyes’ to something I had completely suppressed or ignored or turned into some emotional conditioning within me, instead of for the first time actually realizing what we have done onto this world, onto ourselves, onto other beings, our bodies throughout this entire time, it is baffling yet it is not like there’s only the abyss and that’s it. There is a way out but one has to actively conduct oneself out of it.

The second form of the use of the word ‘deserve’ has to do with more of an egotistical or as I call ‘haughty position’ within oneself where one believes that ‘one deserves the best’ or ‘one deserves the most of this/that’ or ‘I deserve life’ and things like that, which have made me cringe from time to time because to me it sounds more like a demanding statement, a positive thinking statement, one of those programmed in by repetitions of the likes of Law of Attraction and that sort of stuff that puts  you in a nice trance of ‘imagining all the best and saying I deserve it to the universe’ doing nothing at all to actually create such wonderful things in one’s life. So, this is of course not the way to go either, this is just the polarity of ‘I don’t deserve this/that’ into a self-fulfilled prophecy of ‘I deserve this/that,’ both ways just don’t sound right to me.

 

 

I have walked quite a process with the word ‘reward’ as a cause and effect process so that assisted me in then seeing that I could so the same with deserve, I leave some links here for reference:

277. Finding it Hard to Accept Rewards

279. My Ambivalent Relationship with Rewards

281.The Benefits of Redefining Rewards in Equality

 

So I brought up this word into a group discussion where many of us could discuss these aspects of ‘deserving’ and ‘not deserving’ and how it has been lived by us and how it may still exist in us.  This time upon checking the definition on a standard dictionary:

deserve

n   verb do something or show qualities worthy of (a reward or punishment as appropriate).

 

It is definitely a conditioning word in the sense that it makes one be motivated by an external source for an outcome to ‘get something’ or ‘make oneself worthy of’ or punish oneself for doing or not doing something, when in fact this can be looked at in a much more self-responsible way where one can just acknowledge or realize there’s cause and effect in things we do or don’t do.

Therefore things won’t be a matter of ‘deserving’ anything as a thought in our minds, that is really just like wishful thinking. If one says, for example, I deserve to live a successful and healthy life, well, I’d rather not say it but live it, do what is necessary to have effective ways to accomplish what one is aiming to do or become in one’s life and also investigate which ways of eating, exercise and mental support are best to keep one in ‘good health.’ That’s a doing and there is no one else that will ‘serve us’ that on our plates but ourselves, one has to actually ‘do it.’

So here the word ‘serves’ come which is contained in ‘deserve’ wherein one can consider what would everyone in this world deserve to have as a form of support: we all know there’s the basic nourishment required, house, money, education, healthy minds, etc. So if that is what we all deserve, then why not instead of just saying ‘I deserve’ it only, rather working on co-creating such wellbeing for each other, serving oneself and others back so that we can in fact be able to give to another as one would like to receive = that is what deserve means to me in a principled manner. Nothing can really always only ‘come to me’ if I am not cooperating in the relationships that enable life, where one can ‘give back’ as well and enable the feedback process that creates life, that contributes to a better life for myself and others.  Here the process of ‘deserving’ then stops being just one of asking, demanding or debasing oneself with as a statement, it is more of a doing that one decides to create and live for oneself in whichever direction or purpose that one decides to do.

In this process of self-creation in a way that is best for all, if I had to define how I can live the words ‘I deserve to live/ I deserve life,’ then I can turn these words into ‘I can serve me/my life and that of others to make it something that is genuinely better for me and others as well.’ That comes with deciding to become a better human being in all aspects of one’s life and also if one decides to dedicate one’s time and actions to assist others in any ways we can and are able to. 

Some might have a relationship of dislike toward the word ‘serve’ and that is something that I could only say one can work with, because surely there is the whole conditioning around ‘serve’ when it comes to ‘masters and servants’ and that whole enslavement relationship we’ve called our ‘jobs’ and other ways to condition our livelihood with serving with something to get something in return, like money or other benefits. Yet, this is only understood as such ‘enforcement’ or obligation mode if one has really ‘bad pay’ in a job or has the worst conditions in such activity or any other injustice that is unfortunately existing in this world where most of us are currently slaves to money, even if one is in the path to eventually create solutions: there’s still billions of people under the same regime, and that will take time to sort out but the best way is to definitely realize that creating further antagonism or rebellion against the ‘oppressors’ is not going to get us anywhere better really, so if one is in this kind of experience, best to not keep feeding this kind of disempowerment on a daily basis, it will only make one sick in the long run and wont’ change a thing in reality. And this is where the statement of ‘I don’t deserve this’ can emerge as well, and this might be a tough one because surely no one really wants suffering and a hellish experience for anyone in their lives. But there is also a ‘greater picture’ that we often forget about, how it is not only ‘me’ that may go through that, but everyone else on earth, all beings – not just humans – are existent within such unjust, unfair, unequal relationships and that’s mostly because we have allowed this to exist ‘as is’ for a long time.

Therefore here we go back to the point of ‘cause and effect.’ It is not like anyone on Earth right now deserves the hideous situations that most people are going through, but unfortunately it is the result of our own abdication of self-responsibility, of allowing ourselves to be handled by a few or just be blinded by the benefits that one can personally obtain in self-interest, devoid of any reason and consideration for others/ the whole we are an equal part of. In fact,  a way in which I have been able to not get so down and depressed when watching say some news or documentary that depicts really bad situations people are going through, is the realization that I am them as well, it is only my personal or ‘individualized’ experience that prevents me from experiencing what others are, and that eventually we will all have to do something about it, face ourselves in different ways so that we can altogether come to the conclusion that we must do something in our lives, in this world if we are to change the ongoing trends. That’s where instead of only thinking ‘I don’t deserve this life’ of abuse, suffering, pain in its multiple ways, we will rather stand up to say I don’t deserve this life, I don’t continue ‘disserving’ life, I rather do what I am able and capable of to change the ways in which most humanity is going to. And this truly begins with oneself, observing one’s thoughts, experiences, patterns whenever we are simply not contributing in a supportive manner to our lives or that of others, where we are too focused on our lives only that we lose the ‘greater picture’ we belong to as well. Only then does one start gearing one’s life and existence to something that is truly supportive and of service to others which at the same time, creates a rewarding process because in helping oneself or others, we uplift each other to do and become our best we can, which means that whatever we then do or create ‘out there’ will contain this self-corrected version of ourselves, we will no longer accept abuse, suffering, debasement ‘out there in the world’ if we work with these aspects first of all within ourselves, within our minds, starting with something as simple as stopping ‘hating’ one word and deciding to live it in a way that is supportive, such as this process with the word ‘deserve.’

Plus it makes the word much more ‘tangible’ as actions, doings, day to day creations instead of only airy-fairy self-righteous statements of ‘I deserve’ this or that, who the hell is there to say what ‘we deserve’ or not? There’s no one, only ourselves and saying it does or changes nothing: if one thinks that one deserves something, not just think it but do something about it.

An example ‘I deserve attention’ then equally give attention, engage with others from whom you are seeking attention or focus from, be that which you are expecting others to give to you.

Some may say ‘I deserve to be loved’ – well, nothing comes magically so how about rather redefining the word love to a practical care and consideration, an actual doing that entails doing that which is supportive for your life and that of others, to grow as individuals, to become better beings day by day, to have a regard for our own lives and bodies and so, toward the entire environment as the physical reality that is here. ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’ well this is currently not being lived because we haven’t even learned to love ourselves practically, not a ‘feeling’ based thing but a series of doings, of actions, of supportive behaviors and decisions that one can live to become a better human being and so in realizing the benefit that brings to oneself, to do the same in whichever measure one is able to toward others.

‘I don’t deserve to live’ can then become a statement that doesn’t lead oneself into an abyss of depression, tears and sadness which I realized was mostly a comfortable spot of self-manipulation and inaction really, where one believes ‘one can’t’ because if one says ‘one can’ in fact, there’s actual work to do and that’s usually resisted in the mind. So, rather my suggestion and here if in any moment this sentence comes up within me again of ‘I don’t deserve to live’ or ‘I don’t deserve life’ then rather use it as a ‘flag point’ to look at where and how am I not living up to my potential, where am I not honoring my own life, where have I harmed or abused others in a way that I believe has no forgiveness, when in fact there is only self-forgiveness and a commitment process to change/correct myself, where am I not living in integrity, where am I becoming demotivated where I can realize I have to be the one moving and motivating myself, where have I become ‘disillusioned’ where I can remind myself that being in an ‘illusion’ is not practical and rather plan out new ways and things to direct my life and purpose to live for, where have I become too ‘angry’ at everything to say ‘they don’t deserve to live/ they don’t deserve life’ or ‘I don’t deserve life’ wherein I can remind myself I am just in a momentary emotional experience, there is no ‘deserving’ needing but only facing of consequences that one can use to grow, to learn from it, to ensure one doesn’t repeat the same fuckups again and instead learn to continue standing up, every time.

I deserve a second chance, that’s what I would mostly say, I give myself a second chance to change, to correct, to do the right thing once realized the mistake or fault. I deserve forgiveness = no one, no god, no nothing can give it to me but myself, therefore I deserve self-forgiveness, I serve/ give to myself that forgiveness to realize and recognize the problem, the fault, the misrepresentation, the dishonor, the dishonesty and so make a clear stand and commitment to change this within myself, to live that ‘second chance’ every time and not give up/ give into the ideas that ‘I am not worthy of it’ as this is only a mind trick to not continue doing the actual work, constancy and dedication that creating anything in this world entails.

 

Ok so, I’ve walked through the main points/ways in which I have related to the word ‘deserve’ either through personal means or through interaction with others, it is mostly about giving and receiving, co-operating, contributing, creating along with, assisting others to do the same, to learn how to become better human beings, to contribute to life in any way that is possible to us, individually first and foremost and then toward others/ the world system as a whole. If we all learn to enjoy the benefits of our shared creations and principled lives, there will be no need to ask for ‘rewards’ or say statements of ‘I deserve’ this or that, we will simply live it, be it, create it, and that’s definitely what I want to live myself and be a part of, a person that no longer measures oneself and others through fictional values of ‘worth’ but rather lives this worth through actions and one’s own quality of life to assist and enable life to exist in its best possible form.  It really all begins with oneself.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

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439. Perfectionist? Me?

 

1. Caos

Where and how have I lived the words perfect, perfectionist and perfectionism in my life?

 

This is an interesting thing to ask because for the most part in my conscious thoughts, I have regarded the ‘craving’ for perfection as something that ‘most people do’ – read: ‘this is what I grew up with in my environment of course’ – therefore in my decision/condition and pattern of going ‘against the tide’ – read ‘against the family patterns’ – that I developed throughout my younger years, I tried to do things in an almost deliberately flawed manner when it came to how I express myself, what would make me ‘unique’ so to speak. In art school for example, the more I would see others strived for drawing the most perfect lines of a human body, I simply continued doing my quirky curvy lines almost in a statement of ‘I don’t care about perfection’ – again the ‘rebel’ mode – which was a way to also hide the fact that I acknowledged the actual work, focus, practice that it would take to do something actually ‘perfect’ which would mean flawless, looking exactly like the person in front of me – in the case of the drawing. Did I challenge myself to do it? Yes I did, but still regarded that it was not my ‘style’ or ‘aim’ to make things perfect, there’s too much of that in the world, I said, so I kept doing it ‘my way’. I actually instead used the traditional techniques in some of my work literally ‘screw them’ to a point of mistake or accidents that could create more unpredictable and rather messy results… so, it was a controlled process of course – can’t fool too much around when working with metal plates and acids and big machines – but! still I wasn’t ever really aiming for the normal perception of ‘perfection’ in that, but the opposite.

Same with how I have my immediate surroundings. Some 10 years ago I was about to become a control freak in relation to cleanliness and basically wanting everything around me to always be spotless and in order. I have definitely slowed down on that and accepted that my life is not meant to be a ‘museum’ of sorts, it also assisted me to lower my ‘visual viciousness’ I had wherein I would get a kick out of everything that would look in some perfect arrangement, specific colors, specific objects around me etc. I guess that moving to various places to live and also going to live in a farm for one year made me reconsider what kind of ‘traits’ I had which were not of a practical purpose and moderated that to a manageable trait. I care not if I have a mess around me even though I still know – for the most part – where things are.  With my clothes, I also don’t seek perfection either, rather comfort, simplicity and sure some ‘style’ but again has nothing to do with ‘no wrinkles’ on clothes or stuff like that…. Some specificity sure but not an ‘ideal image’ in place.

I can instead also recognize the ‘aversion’ I had toward the word perfect mostly stemming from what I would see around me at home, always the desire for everything to look arranged, perfect, coming out well or with the best outcomes in anything, almost in an anxious manner… so that’s why in my pattern of ‘rebelling’ against all things, I mostly would be the one that caused some reactions in my family because of having things just all over the place most of the time. When I started living alone some 10 years ago, that’s when I went into the opposite side of now becoming more like people in my family – striving for perfection at home – yet scaled it up to an almost frightening notch, flirting a bit with obsessive compulsive attitudes. This I was able to ‘control’ in relation to me, myself, my things, my cleanliness and so forth, but! There is an aspect that I certainly have lived it in and this has been pointed out to me lately precisely by my mother in our every now and then interactions.

This is living the word ‘perfect’ as an expectation of how things ( I think ‘should’ be) can be in interactions with people in the outside world. Within the consideration of ‘how things would work best for everyone’ I am constantly in the lookout for doing things as efficiently as possible when it comes to doing something for someone else, something related to work, something related to how I interact or behave in a public space, can be on the streets, at the shop, transportation, in any given situation where I can see a possibility of me doing something to better the situation, to make things run smoothly, to give space to others… at times yes a bit of sacrificing myself is applied in order to give to others or benefit others, even though I’ve been working as well on myself for the past couple of years precisely to not go too much on that side of ‘serving’ only and forget about myself.

Maybe upon reading this I consider “well! That’s how everyone should do and be and we would have a great functional and smooth-coexisting world/society/reality!” But the reality is that when this need to create a ‘perfect’ situation or the most ‘optimal’ and ‘efficient’ situation for others and myself comes with a pinch of anxiety or need to ‘control’ something in order to achieve a desired outcome that comes up with this sense of ‘urgency’ of doing it as fast as possible to not bother others or to ‘benefit’ others or to create a smooth transition of anything for others, then I am in fact not being here as breath and considering the same efficiency or best possible outcomes within stability, there is this experience behind it which surely has become automated for the most part which means: I don’t need to ‘think’ about it, it’s become a ‘natural’ thing to do. I have also seen how this pattern particularly kicks in with double strength when I am around people that I have considered – or assess after some short time of being around them – that they are ‘slow’ or ‘not so efficient’ or a bit ‘clumsy’ or see that they are not entirely ‘considerate of others’ therefore I step in almost pushing too much the point of ‘being an example’ to them in certain moments, or being that ‘awareness’ that I see they might be lacking in a moment, which comes with a tension, an extra ‘strength’ that can have adverse effects.

Here I will use the case of me towards my mother wherein she is quite lax about things and I tend to go into this ‘drive’ of doing things in a very specific, efficient, yet ‘smooth’ way in order to – in my perception – contribute to making things better in general. However what has happened is that, for example, if she is driving and suddenly she’s about to go into a parking spot, and realizes that’s not the entrance, I immediately go into seeing the rest of the cars behind and tell her with a loud voice that she’s causing a mess of traffic now, that she must just get into the wrong spot so that she can let others pass!… all of this in a rushed manner only thinking about ‘the problem’ that she must be causing To others. But in that split of a moment, I didn’t at all consider how I actually caused her to get nervous and panicky about the situation, because I got in such a state in one single moment when looking at how we could immediately ‘sort out the problem for others behind us.’ So my mother said that they must wait, because she wanted to get to the right entrance. After she got it right and we parked, she said how I immediately went into this exalted state just because of caring too much about the ones behind us, without realizing how tense she got because of my reaction, which could have caused more consequences if she would have acted in a rush and getting into an edgy spot with the car.

Afterward that day at the supermarket, same thing happened with the trolley where she would leave it wherever and I would get slightly annoyed or preoccupied about the trolley becoming an obstacle for other shoppers, and in that almost coming through toward my mother with a reclamation of ‘why did you leave it there, don’t you see others want to pass through the aisle as well?’ and so this was a second time in that day; but it had happened before where I have gone into recriminating her and others whenever something is not exactly as I expected it to be, even if upon assessing ‘the problem’ it was in fact a lack of communication, misunderstanding, assumption and general ‘rush’ that I tend to go into.

This has to do mostly with ‘doings’ as in things that relate to processes, environments, services that pertain to ‘giving a service to others’, cleaning, cooking, team work, walking in the street as a pedestrian which is a relationship of myself and the cars, etc. Which means it is ‘there’ in every day situations yet not every time do I get equally exalted, because there is a ‘sameness’ as well existent in this consideration with the person I live with – but, it does come up with others that are not in the same ‘stance’ in relation to these things and I definitely should not judge them either, but be flexible and considerate of their perspective/view and way of living things, as long as they are not entirely wrecking themselves or others’ lives and I can suggest something to correct about it, but in essence: can’t ever change another, that’s a fact.

It also seems to come from the need to ‘control’ the situation wherein I tend to get a point of satisfaction or ‘completion’ within me when schedules are fulfilled as I expected them, when things are done in the way that I planned them, when my interaction with others in the world can lead to a more efficient or better outcome = all of this I have actually charged with a positive value, and it has a lot to do with how ‘others can benefit from it’ as well, but not always. There are also my own ‘pet peeves’ where I seek to have control over certain ‘ways to do things’ wherein I forget to be flexible, yet I have been working with this word ‘flexibility’ in order to precisely not turn into a control freak, but according to feedback I get from my partner, it seems it still is there as a set of ‘unspoken rules’ that I tend to react to if not done in that manner. I realize this and continue to work on it, which means I need to apply more awareness in those ‘auto-mode’ moments, be more attentive.

So, as I can see, probably living with me and being with me in a constant manner can be quite a challenge where I can end up stressing people around me if things are not done in a particular way or if there’s just too much of a mess that I cannot control or keep track of, and this doesn’t happen much at home since I live with someone that is actually quite similar and specific to my traits, so it is something that comes up mostly when interacting with someone like my mother that is definitely the contrast point in our family where my sisters, father and I seem to have the same ‘perfectionist’ relationship toward everything around us. She does have it as well but mostly when it comes to reunions/parties where there’s many others to receive at home, but that’s about it.

This is a tricky point because I have rationalized as in ‘realized’ that I cannot control things, that I require to be flexible, that I don’t have to get all flustered by mistakes or ‘things’ that don’t come up as expected in my day to day, or when I don’t get the expected result of something where others are meant to ‘do their part’ – and this is where I’ve kept the word ‘flexibility’ in mind and it has gotten ‘better,’ but there’s always room for improvement for sure as my reality has demonstrated to me.

So, what is the solution? It’s certainly Not to say ‘Ah I should just stop caring about it all and do my own thing in whichever way I can and let everything just ‘fall’ by itself’ because that would be going into an extreme or polarity. Here it is mostly to investigate what lies behind my desire to have certain things be ‘perfect’ in my life/reality when it comes to ‘doings’ that are related to others in my environment. It has to do with the previously mentioned ‘satisfaction’ or sense of security that I’d get from ‘getting things done in the most apt/perfect possible way’, that ‘kick’ that I developed probably from doing things the way my father expected me to do and when he would approve with words like ‘That’s right, good’ it was like being less of an obstacle or a nuisance in how I knew that he wanted things to be done around the house for example. The opposite polarity or outcome of not doing so? Anxiousness, nervousness, tension and general fear from not doing things ‘perfectly’ or to the T as he would expect, or messing things up which I actually at a later stage learned to be ‘ok’ with in his presence, but these kind of reactions did certainly get recorded or engraved in the way that I deal with things, mostly remembering the sounds he would make when things would ‘fit’ just perfectly in the food cupboard after coming from supermarket, or when I would go with him to supermarket and he would always move accurately, fast and efficiently getting all the stuff in no time and so being just ‘precise’ in how he does things,  that kind of father that would get you the stuff that you were about to empty up because he was aware of it and bought one just so that you don’t have to go ‘without any’!

So, these points I have linked with security, comfort, even enjoyment when things just ‘go right’ and ‘fit perfectly’ and are ‘solved in no time’ – but! The thing is I never really pondered “Hmm, well if I get a kick out of getting things right, perfect, efficiently and accurately, then what is the opposite polarity of it, what kind of fears are hidden behind this?” No! I never really have questioned that because in my mind, this is ‘the way’ that everyone should be and this way the world would be just ‘best for everyone’! and surely, I still see that If I remove my fears of fucking things up, being an obstacle to others, being a nuisance, messing things that were previously ‘right’ or not giving to others the expected service/result, and instead do things in an apt and efficient manner as I know I can do, without fearing making mistakes, without fearing making others ‘wait’ or have the experience of ‘extra energy’ to it, without getting essentially angry or flustered about it, or ‘panicky’ about things, it surely can be a way in which one can be considerate of oneself and others around, generally assessing potentials for improvements, seeing efficiency as a process in which things can be done with reasonable effort, in stability and considering all parts involved, with a leeway or flexibility for trial and errors as well.

This would mean that in the example of me telling my mother to ‘get off the way’ to let others pass behind her in this exalted manner, this would can be now turned into a realization that: Ok we are in a ‘catch 22’ she cannot go further or she crashes the car, therefore she does have to take some time to go back and then drive into the right entrance, which means that surely the drivers behind might not be able to advance for a few seconds, they might not be ‘happy’ about it but, it could also happen to them and I’m sure that my mother would be understanding of that…. In theory – lol – because the pattern is that most people get very anxious and flustered whenever someone makes us ‘waste time’ when driving somewhere. However, this is then something that can be brought up in response to ‘asking for others time’ when being in a tricky situation, and so be flexible and considerate when others are in the same ‘catch 22’ situation.

Most of my reactions have to do with time in fact, and linking efficiency with doing things in ‘no time’ or the ‘fastest possible’ and if possible, leaving ‘no trace’ at all, not being a ‘bother’ to others, or making others ‘do what I should have done’ – which again, makes sense in a certain way but when it becomes almost a constant paranoia when being around others or in particular environments or responsibilities that affect others, it can come through with some of that fear behind it that is expressed in tension, in a rush that can at the same time be perceived by others as this ‘extra charge’ and so get equally tense or anxious and stressed out which is then not at all the way to actually ‘be efficient’ and care for others’ wellbeing.

Therefore there is a balance needed where I realize that the ‘efficiency’ I can get most of the times has to do with a few seconds to a couple of minutes of doing things, sometimes hours and that is ok because we live in a world where we can’t control everything and everyone else to ‘get things right’ or ‘fast’ all the time; to realize that not everyone is in the ‘same rush’ as I perceive they are – or to realize that I am in fact the ‘rushy’ one all the time – and to realize that many times solutions – even if considering the whole situation – might not always come out in a way that makes ‘everyone happy’ as in realizing that I cannot always ‘please’ or ‘benefit’ others the way I would like to, which comes from a genuine spot in me of actually wanting the world/things to work the best way for everyone. I truly no longer do it for the sake of ‘being recognized’ in an ego manner, but more in that sense of sure, being an example of how things can work or be done, but this can still be coming through with a ‘pushy’ manner which can lead to opposite results, like the arguments I had with my mother when coming to realize what I was doing and wasn’t aware of, and kept doing while she was explaining this pattern to me, such as quickly pointing out to her that ‘hey the green is on, go!’ just because of having the consideration in the background of ‘we’re making others waste their time if you don’t step on gas!” as if hell was going to break lose for those seconds lost, which doesn’t make sense, but it also as to do with preventing honking and people from calling you names for being slow in such situations so yeah, a fear there as well on ‘affecting others’ but also preventing some further conflicts or ‘name callings’ and such. Better be ‘slow’ in these situations as a precaution, instead of rushing and ending up squashed on the car on the front.

I have also seen how this same point comes up when being in someone else’s car and if they are not the ‘fast and accurate’ drivers, then I start getting tense for them going with low speed in the high-speed lane, or for not realizing that there’s people behind them that need some space to cross and things like that. What happens is that because I create an idea of ‘what I would do’ in such situations and so because of not getting the ‘expected result,’ I go into this tension because of seeing that others are not considering others the same way I would, and pondering if I should bring it up or not as a point to become aware of, or if I’ll come off as too demanding or bossy or intransigent or plain neurotic.

These are all things I’ll for sure keep working on to create a balance in it. A practical solution I’ve been applying since this point was brought forth to my attention some 2-3 weeks ago is to deliberately ‘let it be’ or ‘let it pass’ in times when I in that moment assess that ‘me bringing up this ‘desired outcome’ is only a point of personal preference’ or if I see that there can be some flexibility applied in the situation. Some other times I have still brought up the ‘old’ pattern of getting a short-fuse temper situation toward cars while walking such as them not stopping to allow me to cross or going to fast in a yellow light and so forth, it’s at times baffling how automated my behavior can be, but it is that, just an automated aspect that requires a notch up of slowing down and living attention which I just see I can apply as ‘a-tension’ or ‘a=without tension’ which allows me to create attention – as in being stable – observing the situation, surely continuing to see what are best ways to ‘follow through’ with something but making sure I am not ‘tensing up’ about it, but being considerate, flexible and add a pinch of ‘letting be’ to it, which is more aligned with the ‘flow of life’ like the series about Perfectionism from Eqafe explained, which are a real gift to someone like me that had not entirely investigated what was behind this need for ‘perfection’ or had even identified this ‘knack’ for perfectionism in a form of control, yet having some extra ‘energy’ there disguised as an efficient/perfect outcome for myself and others.

So, I conclude that there is a requirement for a balance within this. I realize that I have automated almost this ‘holistic observer’ mode where I am constantly aware of things not only in my immediate surroundings but in general on the ‘outside of myself’ as well, almost in a natural manner if I can call it that, aiming at things being efficiently done, getting them done, consider others, consider best for all outcomes and so forth. But! I can certainly turn a notch down in the ‘how’ I live this, which is without the fear of ‘losing control’, without going into short-fuse temper or anger, or irritation if something goes wrong or if mistakes are made, or if others are not as considerate as I see the potential could be, but to understand that I can only be the example of this myself and live it in equanimity. This implies as well to not be so exigent toward others to ‘learn from me and do it!’ but to realize it’s been an entire process for me to, till this day, to change behaviors, patterns and reactions in me. I still keep working on many ingrained patterns that I was most likely going to become in a ‘full-fledged’ manner if following the patterns acquired from family and so forth, which is why I am always grateful for when it comes to walking this process of self change for some 8 years now and it’s awesome to keep discovering points like this one on ‘perfectionism’ that had to be brought to my attention, which I am usually grateful for as I’ve expressed in these blogs throughout time.

 

Will keep an eye on how I continue developing my moderation on this point, and will share if new dimensions open up around this one.

Thanks for reading

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Perfection: The (un)Holy Trinity

 

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438. Louder Than Bombs

How to not give up upon ‘losing the passion to live’

 

Louder than bombs Psychological Review

 

I watched a movie called Louder than Bombs (2015) and without getting too much into the plot, the character of the mother/woman that was a war photojournalist was the one that caught my attention because of how she dealt with her personal life and her job, being in the war zone and dealing with the impact that had in her.

 

The character is complex in terms of how she presents her work to others and how it seems she lived it ‘within’, but there was a point that really ‘struck a chord’ within me considering that she had this very diligent commitment to her work with having to go to all of these war zones to take photographs so that they could eventually be center pieces to stories/journalism about such situations, which I had considered at some point doing as well because of also considering that: this helps to open people’s eyes and change the world.  I didn’t end up doing it, but I am profoundly grateful for all those documentary film makers and photojournalists that enable us to see what we would hardly ever get to see firsthand in this world. At least to me, being informed about ‘what goes on in this world’ has benefitted me in expanding my ‘world view’ from only focusing on my life and personal desires to learning to care about others in this same planet as myself.

So in the movie there was one moment where she’s at the airport with her husband, waiting for her next flight and one of her photos shows up in a New York Times’ article to expose the refugee camps in Afghanistan – or something around that – to which the husband tells her  – paraphrasing -‘Hey, this is a great job!’ and she smiles or maybe sees it as ‘mission accomplished’ or as part of her work and who she is, but on the table across she sees a man that looked sort of the ‘business type’ that is also holding an issue of the NYT and when he gets to the page where her photo and report are, he passes on to the next page without even hesitating to read at least a bit into it – or watch the picture closely if anything – and in that moment that she was overlooking at this situation, one could see her eyes suddenly becoming watery or I could imagine her heart going into a knot so to speak for realizing that maybe a lot more would do this, maybe this is how it is with all of her pictures and this kind of articles, showing or proving that: no one really cares. 

This is my entire reading I got from these few seconds that the moment in the movie lasted. Suffice to say that she plunges into a depression, about many things in her life and ends up killing herself.

After watching the movie, I commented to my partner how that moment resonated with me a lot whenever I go into this experience of ‘no one really cares about what we do’ or ‘no one even watches it/reads it, so what’s the point?’ and within that allowing myself to go into this ‘plunging’ point of seeing no point in it. Yet one thing I reminded myself in that moment and the solution I saw was that If she would have done her job as a principle for herself, because it mattered to her, regardless of how many see it or attend her exhibitions, this could have become a point that she gives ‘life’ to, instead of allowing herself to be continually be abased by the situations she encountered or by losing a meaning to it all. When I allow this to take over myself is mostly when being located in the position of the ‘result-demanding’ character so to speak, where I am looking at wanting to have an effect on others, to ‘change the world’ through what one can produce or place out there, while in fact forgetting it is not about ‘others only’ it’s about myself and the decision I’ve made to for example share some audio recordings with a personal perspective I’ve found more supportive when ‘finding my own two feet’ related to the atrocities of ‘world events’ we get to be aware of in the media.

I also saw the potential of myself at some point becoming like that character that plunges so deep into seeing no meaning in anything: her personal life, her work, while witnessing and being sucked into the events she took photographs for, that she ends up killing herself where ‘committing suicide’ is usually seen as a way to ‘end the suffering’ when in fact it is mostly a way to give up from redefining the life that we want to live and instead of seeing ‘no way out’ rather focusing on creating new ways to re-load our lives so to speak and continually be creative to stand in the same principles yet explore new ways in which one can express and live this change or importance that we see in making of this world a better one to the best of our ability, starting with How we live our lives.

Here for those that get to watch or have watched the movie, a practical way in which the photographer could have gotten herself back on track is by stopping her photojournalist trips as she had decided and promised she would, and then focus on getting support to establish better relationships and communication at home, to learn how to deal with her depression. Because, her depressed state eventually affected both of her sons, in turn affecting the kind of decisions that they made in their own lives based on having been affected by seeing their mother in a sad state when she was at home and seeing the problems that the parents had as a couple. Maybe by rekindling the relationship at home, her sons would have had more stable lives, taking the example of not plunging herself into a state of depression or anger or frustration, but rather focusing on getting oneself back on track and so being an example to others around us about it, much could have changed if this was a decision lived by the woman.

One aspect we tend to create is ‘caring too much about others’ and doing justice to others, or wanting to ‘protect’ something or someone out there, yet neglecting our personal lives within this. This is what happened to this character of the photographer in the movie, where she had problems with her husband, she was depressed and not talking about it or seeking solutions, getting to the point of being unfaithful in her marriage ending up just ‘losing it’ and crashing herself in the car. It was funny because in that moment of seeing this while in the movie, my partner timely said ‘remember it’s just a movie, they are just actors’ which was just what I needed to in that moment kind of ‘snap out of it’ and stopping indulging into this personal identification with the whole situation, essentially starting to ‘see myself in her’ and diving into that same ‘plunging’ experience. So definitely next time I’ll be more aware of this ‘getting lost’ into the emotional drive of the story and here to remind myself those words too and to continue watching yet still objectively, using the movie and stories as a point to reflect and introspect about myself  and others in this world as well.

Reflecting on the ‘doing something to depict/portray or reflect state of the world’ – what I’ve found and this we also discussed after the movie is that there is much of an informational saturation these days that surely it is unlikely that one gets the ‘reach’ that one would like currently with common sensical perspectives and essentially non-sensationalist points of view, because that’s what ‘sells’ in this world for now. Very few people have developed a sense of living ‘care’ or ‘consideration’ to be informed about the situations around the world, yet there are some that do, and the more that we continue to participate and contribute to this ‘new culture’ of being informed citizens yet at the same time, learning to take the points back to self as in recognizing and taking our responsibility for the points that we see we can change within ourselves, our minds and in the way that we live, the more we will expand this new awareness or new culture of life that stops feeding the usual ‘conflict-fueled’ mass media.

So this is a practical consideration, a realistic consideration to many of us that may at times hit the ‘black hole’ of seeing ‘no point’ in sharing ourselves or not seeing the ‘desired effect’ of what we do, however if we become that point and reason as to why we do it and remind ourselves of who we decide to be in doing so, we become that 1+ point of change that participates and expresses in our current conflictive culture. Never to underestimate what we do, where we stand or the ‘effect’ one can have in others, but mostly to realize that what truly matters is not the amount of data and information one can imprint on others, but rather sharing how one has changed Within oneself, in our day to day living to align to principles that one wants to see as the new way of living, the new ‘norm’ of how to interact and coexist in this world. Within this I mean that what we do becomes an extension of who we are in it, therefore not falling into the role of the photographer in the movie that upon seeing her photojournalism and work as ‘meaningless’ or not having the desired effect, she took that entirely upon as ‘her definition/ her life’ and instead of stopping doing it and trying out something else, she stopped her profession and shortly after, she stopped her own life with it.

 

As much as this is a reflection upon a character in a movie, it is also a personal reminder of whenever getting sucked into the ‘black hole’ of ‘what’s the point?’ and seeing ‘no point’ in sharing one’s work or creations, to remind myself to be that one point for myself, to stand As It as a point of principle as a declaration of who I am, regardless of who listens/watches it, because this is a form of contribution of a process of change and new perspectives that I am aware and certain can be supportive for others at any point in their lives, where they may go through the same or similar situations and simply extend the support that I have also benefitted from when learning from others facing this and ‘bigger’ points of seeing no point in this entire existence, yet even today still seeing them standing in their decision to see the point in life and giving themselves a purpose to stand as the solutions in this world.

We can never really be short of ways to overcome the problems, what we can be short of at times is the will to create, the commitment to stand as the potential of who we can live and be in this world. And this is also a personal reminder whenever tending to focus only on the mayhem, the death, the destruction, the wars, the violence, the lies, the deception, the suffering  and all that which we have yet to correct in our world, to not see it as this big black hole that sucks us all into oblivion, but to see it for what it is: a consequence that we have to understand in order to learn how to stand under the problem as a ‘fixed’ point, as part of the solution, from the root and cause of it, instead of allowing ourselves to be influenced by the consequences, the ‘tips of the icebergs’ we get in our daily news, and so decide to take the responsibility to understand how those problems ensued, what is it within ourselves that has contributed to the nature of the problem and rather spend the rest of our lives working with ourselves and assisting others in whichever ability we are able to, continuing sharing supportive expressions that consider the context, the people involved, their lives, the context of the world system and essentially learning to ‘trace back’ the problems out there back to ourselves, our human nature, who we have become within our minds and lives that has manifested as the world without and take responsibility for it. Easily said, but takes a continuous  re-commitment to live this, no matter what, so that we can eventually make of our reflections and practical solutions ‘louder than bombs.’

Thanks for reading

 

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437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Here I share some practical steps to consider whenever this particular experience of feeling left out, feeling like not belonging, feeling like one is being judged by others in a particular group or environment, or that one is the ‘odd one sticking out’ etc.

 

If you’d like to have more context as to how I walked this point of ‘the outcast’ you can read the whole story I wrote some years ago of how I experienced this here: ‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag

 

Whenever you feel like there is no ‘room’ for you somewhere, as if you simply were being ignored by others or deliberately ‘left out’ – first point is to clear oneself from these perceptions, always realizing that these are perceptions created in one’s own mind, therefore: they are not in fact real. We make them real when living out this self-rejection in fact, which means these thoughts make us want to keep quiet, remain isolated and deliberately not interacting with others, because we are in fact very occupied in our own minds building up the feeling of being the outsider, the outcast. Funny, isn’t it? We actually create our own experience and feed it through thinking. And what I’ve noticed is that if we wait for someone asking us directly to ‘come and share’ or ‘speak’ or ‘join in’ it will not happen that often

Therefore:

Instead of continuing churning the outcast character in the head, take a breath, and make a very physical and decisive step to Participate which practically means: take part in/ be a part of. How? Speak, write, let yourself be read/heard and so known. We often make the mistake of waiting for the right moment to share some perspective or point of view or simply to start the very basic point of communicating, which is also a decision one makes to interact with someone else.

Throughout these first steps, it is likely that some voices in the head of being disliked or not being welcomed, or ‘no one asking for your participation’ to come up. In this: keep on reminding yourself of these being words that one has most likely created over a long period of time in our heads, therefore they are not ‘what people really think’ or are at all disclosing the reality of the situation, they are entirely our own creation, therefore we can stop participating ‘up there’ and rather continue the physical process of writing, speaking, sharing oneself with others.

Also important to note that it is not like these judgments will go ‘easily’ or  ‘go away forever’ with just stopping them once. Nope. We have trained ourselves in our minds to continually have ‘something to say’ as in some kind of judgment, fear  that turns into an anxiety, an insecurity, a bunch of questions about ‘others’ and how they relate to us. But two things are certain: one is that these experiences have been ‘recorded’ in our mind, therefore are self created and as such we can stop participating in them; and the other point is that whatever anyone else holds as a judgment, perception, idea, belief about oneself or others, it is also entirely their creation and so their point of responsibility. This assisted me a lot to take whatever judgments or criticisms for what they are: mind perceptions that have no impact or ‘value’ toward myself, because I have by now gotten to know what I am, what I am not which means: I cannot allow another’s words to define me. Of course unless it is not a judgment and someone is giving some kind of feedback about myself that I could take into consideration as a point of self support, but that is then just that: constructive criticism that one can look further within oneself to see what can we learn from it.

 

Another point that was ‘hard to admit’ at the time is how my own ‘outcastism’ was in fact a point of superiority, waiting for people to specifically ‘ask me’ for something or ‘focus on me only’ or ‘pay only attention to me’ which is quite ludicrous because in this I am in no way being a ‘fair player’ in the interaction, but in fact demanding some special attention and care. Is this self-honest as in really applying the principle of equality where one realizes that no matter ‘who’ is speaking to, ‘where’ one is at, we are all ultimately equal at that level of humanity, therefore there is Always something that connects us, something we can talk about and relate to, just by the fact that we have the ability to communicate between each other as species. It is funny how many times we forget about this and create a wall of judgments between each other that divides us, when these ‘walls’ are in fact invisible, self created and so ‘the wall’ can be self-demolished in one single moment where one makes the directive decision of ‘I am here, I participate, I share myself, I communicate, I unconditionally become part of the moment/discussion/interaction with others. And so, what I noticed is that it feels like taking a dive into a pool where one knows it will be a bit cold, might be a bit of a fright initially, but it gets better once you are actually doing it. This in fact applies to many other things we usually fear to do.

So linked to this, in my case I had to become aware of not stepping on my ‘high horse’ and believing I could only communicate or be friends with or interact with people that were ‘at my same level’ in whatever I defined ‘that level’ to be. Therefore this means the ability to be humble and unconditional when giving these first steps of interaction. What do these words mean? Being able to talk to others or approach a point of communication without having a particular ‘agenda’ behind, a particular intent or point of personal interest that could be already ‘clouding’ one’s ability to be clear in what we want to say. This personal interest also includes those judgments where we are Only considering oneself, as if everything revolved around ‘me’ only, when in fact what I’ve found is the best way to initiate any interaction and virtually be able to approach any person and talk to them is by being very stable and quiet in oneself, and sticking to the moment: not having any ‘desire’ – therefore unconditional – behind the communication other than making it a clear decision to speak, share, communicate, write yourself in an interaction with another, scheduling meet ups with others etc.

 

These are some considerations where the focus is on the ‘what to do’ or what kind of words can one live to get out of the ‘outcast’ experience and instead ‘cast’ oneself to participate in the communication and interactions with others.

No need to ever desire to ‘be a part of’ because we are Already a part of this world, everything and everyone here. It is more like realizing that no one else is supposed to ‘make space for you’ or tell you that ‘you belong’ because that only creates an idea or experience, when in fact, there is no need for that. I’d rather suggest realizing that I am here, therefore I am part of life and this world, therefore I accept myself as that part that I am in this life and take part in co-creation by establishing communication, contact with others.

There is nothing more fulfilling in fact than deciding to step out of one’s shell and connecting with people. Nowadays, there is no excuse really because we live in the ‘era of communication’ and it is frankly a bit absurd that the ‘internet era’ and generations could become more isolated behind the gadgets that are supposed to unite us. Time to use them to do just that: to connect with each other, to share, to speak up, to unconditionally let others know who we are and what we are up to in this life, no need for ‘special’ experiences or hidden agendas in this, but rather taking it as a statement of honoring that part of life that we are and the space that we breathe as part of life, of everything that is here.

And so, because we can all learn from each other, let me know your feedback if you do apply some of these points and how you find out they work out for you. These are only some aspects I’ve applied – and continue to apply – myself whenever the ‘outcast’ or ‘feeling left out’ experience creeps in, then I decisively step in and ‘let me share me’ – lol. So, I share also the links from others that have been sharing about this topic as well, which is great because it broadens our awareness on how this particular ‘mindset’ can exist and develop within ourselves.

 

Recommend to read/listen to them:

Day 1100: Outsider
How does it work? Fostering a connection with someone

Outsiders – day 695

Day 577 – Do I not belong?
Day 39 – Feeling Like an Outcast

Life Review – The Outsider

 

Best to stop the ‘self imposed’ tag as an ‘outsider’ and instead ‘cast’ oneself into taking part of living and connecting, communicating, relating to others which is also the way we can learn so much more about ourselves, which would not be possible if one deliberately isolates oneself.

 

 

If you don't try nothing will ever happen

 

 

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436. Lack of Money in Dream

Last night I had a dream where I would be aware of having only a 200 pesos bill in my pocket, that being the last money left with me at the time. I was with my family in a restaurant and I would still be quite sure about being able to pay for the bill, or at least help with some money. I would notice how I was very aware of what everyone was asking and in one moment I would see my partner taking the offer drinking ‘some’ of my father’s beverage, and all I could consider in that moment is how one drink cost a quarter of the 200 pesos, and because he would drink the whole thing in 3 seconds I would get so angry at him for being inconsiderate, for not realizing that then my father would have to get another drink and then it would take all the money away.

The shocking point however is how I reacted towards my partner in such situation which involved a lot of cursing and flipping fingers and generally wanting him to feel bad or notice that ‘he had done an inconsiderate thing’ by drinking that. Yet, right after I would be in my own possession towards him in that moment I would realize how I had not said or done any of that to him before, and realized that the damage was done: I could not revert back to a moment before all of that where I could have stopped myself from justifying my anger at him and the situation.  In my dream I realized how things could spiral out from there on, on how I had been essentially so disrespectful toward him in that moment, breaking into ‘uncharted territory’ from there on due to allowing myself to express myself to him that way. I felt regretful as well.

I woke up with this experience of ‘being angry at him’ lol, but of course I brought myself back to earth and realized it was MY dream, my creation and so what exists in my mind and what could possibly be a reality if I allowed it to become just that. It frightened me, because I saw how in one moment so many consequences would ensue and even if right after I wished I ‘hadn’t done that/said that’ it was done, truly felt regret yet of course in the dream I didn’t go into analyzing the situation. So here I go.

First of all it seems odd how if I knew I had little money left, still try and go to restaurants or even attempt to invite others and pay the bill for it. This is a point of defined ‘empowerment’ as well where I have enjoyed doing this with my family and having the ability to ‘invite them’ as well, which to me it just makes sense considering the many times they have invited me as well. However obviously, if I was in such precarious situation as in having little to no money left, I would not go out to restaurants, not pretend I can manage. I can see there’s the point of ego as ‘pride’ in maybe wanting to hide the fact that ‘I’m broke’ at their eyes yet be tense throughout the whole situation, because I would not have wanted to be in the position to have to spend more just because of adding one last drink to the bill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define an experience of going out to restaurants and invite others as in paying the bill myself as ‘empowering’ and something I gladly do, wherein I would then prevent myself from being open and clear to others about my financial situation and explain why I cannot attend to a restaurant or pay for the bill due to having little to no money left, which is what I see makes sense to do in such situations and not have the ‘restaurant’ or reunion be centered around ‘going out’ but family reunions and ‘going outs’ don’t always have to relate to eating out/ paying somewhere to eat/drink something while it could be done at home as well, this is in consideration to  be considerate of  money spending when there are no sources of income, and not perceive it as a ‘missing out’ or a ‘lesser’ experience if I cannot afford something any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slightly charge the experience within me of being able to afford paying a meal in a restaurant for others and myself, which is a point of perceived ‘empowerment’ which certainly can be done when there is sufficient money and income, however if one’s situation changes, adjustments have to be made and such kind of unnecessary expenses have to be cut, instead of me trying to ‘keep the show going’ at the eyes of others, while knowing well in the situation in the dream that I was compromising my ‘last moneys’ in order to give a pleasure/moment to others to enjoy, or what I perceive to be ‘enjoyment’ or expressing some kind of ‘gratefulness’, when in fact enjoyment and gratefulness can be expressed in so many other ways that don’t involve having to ‘go out to restaurants’ only as what I’ve lived throughout my life within the family scenario.

In this it is to realize that it is not limiting myself when no longer being able to afford such things if having no income, but rather be considerate about the situation instead of wanting to ‘pull it through’ and compromising my basic livelihood.

Another aspect here is how I allowed myself to get to that point of only having 200 pesos on my pocket. It is interesting because in the morning today I saw this picture on social media about how if you have 10 dollars in your bank account, you have more than the 75% of the world, which is ridiculous that we’ve allowed ourselves to get to this point of most of the world living in poverty while being in a world that sufficiently caters for everyone.  So there are various factors that lead to having no money, but within my personal situation and environment/context, it IS possible to make money therefore here within the dream context and as a possible scenario that exists in all of our lives

10 dollars

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get to a position of poverty, which is a form of disregard, lack of self responsibility, apathy, not putting myself out there in terms of knocking doors and looking at the many possibilities that still exist in this world to make money, having no judgment to particular activities or job situations, but realizing that I cannot allow myself to get to such point of seeing ‘the last drops’ of my money go and do nothing about it, therefore

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect my financial situation of my dream and take that into consideration within my current experience where I am living of savings and definitely require to make sure I don’t spend money unnecessarily or waste it in ‘going outs’ that are not really necessary for me to ‘live.’ In this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slowly but surely allow the ‘fear of ending with no money’ to be in the back of my head and creeping in as a constant ‘variable’ in my day to day situations, wherein I can see that it can affect the way that I live and interact with others, which should NOT be so, because in this it is about me first establishing clear accounting with myself, looking at what is it that is essentially needed, the basic points of livelihood that I require to cover in joint expenses and take responsibility for that part that corresponds to me. In this I realize that I do have to ‘give up’ more unnecessary expenses not because of ‘fearing’ not having money, but simply being realistic about current financial situation and ensuring I am not placing myself in a dire situation just because of ‘squandering’ the current possibilities.

And ultimately in this, what matters is that I would not have to ‘restrain’ myself in all aspects if I start creating other possibilities for income as well, which is where I have to move myself to and start planning where and how I can continue making money to live without worrying about ‘eventually depleting my source of money’ and this is my point of self responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become angry, tense, anxious, absolutely possessed with the miser experience at the same time when judging what my partner did in the dream about the drink and blame him as ‘inconsiderate’ when in fact that was me only venting and exerting my own neglect, lack of consideration and responsibility to my own life, my own financial situation and in this realizing that there are moments where bit by bit I start getting ‘stingy’ about money due to not having a continuous source of income.

In this I see that the financial aspect when sharing expenses with another and at the same time when placing oneself in this ‘comfortable’ position with money and then having that ‘comfort’ point change to a position of precariousness can change the way we behave toward others and essentially ‘the worst of us’ can come out when in that survival mode.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be so ashamed of myself in that moment when realizing what I had done as in doing all the cursing, yelling, flipping fingers and venting out my own anger towards another, because in the ‘shame’ of course we don’t see the actual starting point of it all, which is how in that dream situation I allowed myself to get to that position of ‘having the last drop’ of money and doing nothing at all about it, which is unacceptable and it is unacceptable that I would dare to see another as ‘the problem’ in that moment, which is such a common way to miss out MY responsibility in it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as someone that is ‘unconditional’ when it comes to ‘sharing’ which means sharing of my money when paying something for others and link this to a ‘sign of appreciation’ when it is part of the programming at home where any given money was to be considered a sign of love, appreciation, gratitude, care and even recognition as a ‘prize’ for doing something ‘good’,  when in fact these words mean so much more than just ‘money’ and can be lived in so many more ways than just ‘giving money’ or ‘paying’ things for others.

I realize that if I do enjoy being able to live in a comfortable manner and even at times be able to ‘share it with others’, then there’s two options: either I get a sufficient source of income to continue doing this in a moderate manner, or rather explain my situation, stop compromising myself and rather live these words as care, love, appreciation, gratitude towards others not by ‘paying’ for things or ‘inviting out’ but rather by assisting them in their lives in what I consider I can, such as sharing or providing some personal support, be with them in times when we can chat/ be up to date with each other, do something together that doesn’t require any consumption of sorts or ‘going outs’ as in eating out etc. and so also challenge that programming that has been so ingrained throughout my life in terms of ‘going to restaurants’ and seeing that as a point of luxury, comfort and ways to interact with others better, because in reality, I first have to assess the financial situation in order to fulfill such ‘ideals’ and if it is not possible, then rather redefine the ‘gatherings’ to something else, where I have also come to realize that it is part of those ‘illusions’ I’ve hold on to as if they were part of ‘my lifestyle’ throughout my life, but I do know of people that would rarely ever do this in their lives and could live without it, which enabled me to see how I have conditioned myself to believe this is part of the ‘rites’ of socializing, when it doesn’t have to be the ‘only’ way to go out and socialize in any case.

Last Sunday for example instead of going out to a restaurant, we rather went to eat at my parents’ house and spend much less money by doing so than keeping the ‘outings’ program in place, and it was as enjoyable as well because the interaction and ‘getting together’ shouldn’t be defined by ‘what one eats’ or ‘where’ and ‘how much it costs’ at all, when the same can be done/prepared/cooked with much less money anyways.

In this I recognize that it is not like I will say NO to all outings in restaurants, but certainly be much more moderate about it and be considerate of not squandering money within such habit.  Which leads me to the point of how I was also justifying these expenses in saying that ‘I am in turn also supporting the economy in my locality’ and assisting others to ‘get a better wage’ with going to places and leaving tips and whatnot, however this is ‘ok’ if one has the money to do it, but it is silly to compromise one’s own livelihood just to keep ‘benefiting others’ and be left with nothing oneself.

And then comes the anger point which I mean, I have talked about it many, many times. And it was cool to face this rather uncomfortable and – to say the least – regrettable situation in my dream where my own lack of responsibility to my financial situation led me to essentially ruin or if not create a faux pas with my partner in doing something that I immediately regretted to have been said and done toward him. It really sucked the moment that in the dream I realized: what have you done? You can’t go back and undo that, he will forever remember this that you just did and said to him. And this has to do with previous situations where I also allowed myself to be possessed in certain situations also due to familiar contexts and traditions or ‘politics’ that my partner would not be used to, and that I essentially blew things out of proportion against him at the very beginning of our relationship and only later on did I admit to see that it was My ‘religion’ of how things should be that was the problem, and how I did not communicate about it beforehand and how I made it such a big deal in my mind and exerted that anger toward him as well. That was talked about and it took me to recognize my own ‘religion’ of what I believed he should have done that caused the problem, while him also admitting to aspects of his participation to work with, which has actually worked fine.

However in the dream due to the financial ‘strain’ and situation I was in and not communicating about it with others, but keep it to myself and just ‘venting out’ the consequence of my problem, I would create another rift in my relationship with others because of this precarious situation I created for myself.

When waking up and realizing I was carrying the experience of the dream, I cleared myself up by forgiving myself for having allowed myself to get so angry at my partner in the dream, for judging him for generally ‘drinking things too fast’ because I equate this to ‘money’ only, and in general create this scenario in the dream to test myself ‘who would I be’ in such situation of poverty.

So, what I could see is that surely being in that ultimate state of having almost no money left at all, does make one go into ‘overdrive’ in survival, which can be by all means first of all prevented. However the point of ‘instant possession’ upon living the consequences is also preventable, wherein in the dream I could have taken a moment to stabilize myself, not keep feeding the ‘fears of not having money’ or the judgments on how anything eaten/drank equated to more money on the bill and so becoming angry at consuming in itself, and so preventing me from getting so possessed in this rage, anger about money that one can say or do things that one will regret a moment afterward. I have to remind myself that no matter how ‘difficult’ a situation might be, I cannot blame others for it, I cannot use another as a ‘punching bag’ for it and seeing others as ‘the problem’ when in fact it is all self-created.

In an ultimate situation if I had to walk the ‘aftermath’ of that situation in the dream, I would explain my own anger about my situation, how I didn’t take responsibility for my experience and allowed myself to exert it out and ask for forgiveness to the other person, after having forgiven myself for being so neglectful towards myself and my personal responsibility in relation to money. It is also interesting that even if it was ‘just a dream’ I could not just see it as ‘just that’ because it felt such a real possibility for me in all aspects that I considered the importance of aligning this point so that I can prevent most of the situation by changing definitions of ‘outings’ with others from now on, in relation to family gatherings, going out for the sake of ‘paying for others and supporting them through my consumption’ and rather be realistic about my financial situation.

In this I realize that it is not a ‘missing out’ because one defines what one makes of any situation or experience, so I stop defining ‘comfort’ and ‘pleasure’ and ‘gratitude’ and ‘enjoyment’ and even ‘sharing’ with others just through what money can do. And many times to be honest the process of ‘going out’ becomes more of a ritual than an actual enjoyment, so I can decide to suggest other ways and even ‘change the ways’ that it usually goes wherein we can all save up money and realize that it is not always necessary to spend in order to show care or live enjoyment or any other aspect like that.

So what can I learn from the dream in retrospect is: how to prevent getting to a point of lacking money, how to prevent myself from affecting my relationships with others by remaining in a position of ‘pride’ and not seek out for ways to make money or support from others, how to stop defining experiences of ‘empowerment’ related to money only, how to live appreciation, care, joy, gratefulness and sharing in ways that don’t involve ‘paying’ for something to someone else as an ‘expression of care’ because I can decide to change that, how I can prevent myself from blaming others and getting in an exertion of my own anger towards myself and use others as my ‘valve of escape’ for that emotional experience.

Ultimately of course we should prevent ALL of humanity from ever having to be in a precarious situation, of having no money/no food/ no shelter and having no possible way to get an income and step out of survival mode. We need to guarantee everyone’s wellbeing if we want to prevent people getting possessed in such a dysfunctional mind state of accumulated problems and experiences related to money that lead to the worst of the worst in our society: from mental illness, to domestic violence, addictions, blaming governments and neglecting our personal and collective responsibility in this system.

In relation to the comment, We can make a difference if we all place ourselves in the shoes of situations like the one that ¾ of the population in this world are living in and decide to stop creating obstacles for us to live in a dignified manner, it really starts with us and empowering each other not only with money, but with skills and abilities to be able to contribute back into society and so be genuinely proud of creating a world we can live in without worries of ever going poor again, it’s up to us to remove for every person that possibility of only having 10 dollars in their pockets or even only ‘a bit more’ of that, no one wants to live in such poverty, so why should we allow the majority of this world do go through that?

 

Please check out this great series that supports with this process:

Making Do With Less – The Soul of Money

https://eqafe.com/p/making-do-with-less-the-soul-of-money

 

 

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435. From Control to Flexibility

 

Being a control-freak or wanting to impose a form of control is definitely an underlying pattern that I played out in the previous situation I shared on ‘hissy-fit’ and transcending it. In essence a cool question that comes up is ‘what am I fearing?’ when seeing that we try and control something. Example, when thinking or being scheming what someone should say, how a situation should develop, how others must behave, what the weather should be like, what someone can/can’t eat or drink, what ‘must’ be done and what ‘must not’ be done… all of these points seem quite exhausting to deal with on a constant basis, and the thing is that it exists as a point of control ‘outside of ourselves’ without realizing it’s in fact first a point of control within ourselves as the mind that is dictating what we are supposed to want/look out for or be careful with. Every time I see this pattern unfolding, it reminds me of certain family members again, wanting to keep a certain image in an almost political way where there is constant PR processes going on, where one would want to control situations and events to what one considers is appropriate and generates no disturbance to our status quo – all entirely fear based.

This point of control is definitely rooted in fear, where we want to keep a certain idea, state or condition of something to please – again – certain idea or belief of oneself, or what others should become to please oneself, how an environment should be to please oneself. I faced a lot of these patterns when living with roommates in a house and having quite a lot of ongoing irritation, anger and frustration for things simply being out of my control at all times, which means: me not being able to impose my will and how I thought things should look like and function around in all ways. I am aware I tend to be dominant, and there is no point in now going into feeling bad about it. There can be constructive ways to use this ability to be in a constant ‘overseeing’ mode of reality in order to be more present, more aware of what’s going on, yet without wanting to control the environment or a situation. Though in this also realizing that me trying to have things work entirely ‘my way’ or have little to no inconveniences is definitely not a possibility in this world where multiple variables are constantly interacting with each other. Hell, not even a ‘god’ could have ultimate control on reality.

So, what word have I been using and practicing to letting go of or managing this pattern of wanting to control? Flexibility and consideration. Flexibility is being able to adapt to whichever outcome emerges that is unforeseen, unpredictable or ‘out of the plans’ and so being able to adapt, move, change in order to integrate such situations while being directive. Otherwise, when fixating to how something ‘must’ go, we are prone to constantly be fighting against reality, constantly creating the most unnecessary frictions and conflicts. So it is better to rather make it a point to make peace with it anyways, with whatever ‘out of the plan’ conditions emerge instead of fighting it or trying to have something or someone work in a particular way. So for example yesterday I said I would not complain for how hot the day was. In the end I was able to do this for the most part, except for the very end when I said that it was a very damn hot day, and started scheming the ways to avoid going out at the same time of the day under the same heat.

Is that the way to go through life? It’s like a constant fighting. Also I see that when others do this ‘PR’ process or ‘damage control’ in a way of ‘everything is fine’ it has bothered me, because I see the flaws behind that but it happens to be that I have done exactly the same, it is another form of control instead of facing the music for what it is and work with it bit by bit.  The question is then what is there to ‘save’ or ‘rescue’ from a mind that thrives of judgments, superiority and inferiority traits, delusional beliefs….? Nothing really.

Whenever I then see myself wanting to control something within an environment or toward another, I rather ask myself what do I fear losing or experimenting or exposing and why? Is it really relevant?

 It is true that not everyone in this world is ready to be fully honest and have this marvelous openness right away, but if one does the little bit of enabling things to unfold as they usually do, without trying to control, we will realize that this is where the actual ‘self-test’ emerges, where we can act and live according to what we face in the moment, challenging or not = it is our reality, we can only arm ourselves with the tools of self-support to develop self-trust over time, realizing that no matter ‘what’ or ‘who’ comes my way, I know I can support me to walk through it and get to a resolution or create solutions that can be supportive in both or more ways.

Sometimes instead of wanting to immediately ‘control’ someone as in preventing them from doing something, it’s a matter of rather communicating the potential outflows or consequential development of something, sometimes even finding third party accounts or stories that can assist a person to consider the same point and so, open up the conversation in common sense to that everyone is aware of the points of responsibility to it all. This is then turning the point of control based on fear – just like parents do with their children when preventing them to do something out of fear, instead of explaining to them how things work, the consequences and so having the child decide and go through it all to learn from it – that’s how you build a sense of responsibility. There the point of control as in preventing others sometimes from ‘fuck ups’ is then turned into a learning process for everyone involved, where even if ‘mistakes’ are made, at least each person would know ‘I did it to myself’ or ‘I created this and I knew what the outcomes would be.’ This way one is instead of controlling, providing certain perspectives or input into something, so that each one can still make their own decisions while one can remain ‘at peace’ because of having explained the reasoning behind one’s attempt to control – or if already prevented – to explain or give a perspective as to why one would or would not do a certain thing with arguments that can be understandable in practical reality terms.

 

I consider that it is best to make some choices being aware of the uncertainty they entail – we cannot predict or control what is going to happen in something – rather than preventing oneself from moving at all because of wanting to control reality, to wait for a better moment to act, to have the perfect conditions for something –that possibly won’t ever arrive by the way – one can instead embrace the unpredictability, while remaining aware of the developments, potential consequences and make decisions based on common sense – considering what is best for all involved – that can lead to the most supportive and potentially effective outcome.

Being flexible there implies not trying to impose oneself onto others, not trying to control their lives, but rather making sure that I can instead share my perspective

 

Control

 

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