Cookie-dough Theory

When I was younger I would go to bed with the idea of me liking this or that boy, and just wishing and hoping for the next day to come, to go to school and see him around… or me hoping for this or that big deal thing coming tomorrow… the reasons for me to exist… all separate from me, all beyond here, even before leaving the time of being awake. The reason for me waking up in the morning  got to be simply to drink coffee a year ago… I actually stopped drinking coffee in a daily basis as the first “meal” in the day on april 2007. Since then I don’t drink it everyday, just when I want to drink it, not for the necessity of “waking up” or giving me some sort of experience as it used to. The reason for me waking up got to be to smoke some more and see where “creativity” would lead me up to that day… I realize that most of the work I’ve done was done under the influence of something inside me. Sad… isn’t it? not the older pictures, like the ones I showed in the video, those ones were older ones even before I ever tried a drug.

Why did I have to finally end up my day placing myself in desire of someone/something else? The same thing while opeing up myeyes, realizing it’s another day so it was “this and that” thing i had to do. 

Routine, I never leave that.. I think I got that from my father… he’s a real clock-like person. 
I used to live in the future, or so much in the past! lol… always imagining how perfect would my life be when I could finally work and earn money and lived in a much dream-like loft in nyc working as an editor for a music magazine (LOL) these were actual dreams I had in high school I remember… I wanted to write. 

I went into literature school for a while, for a year to be precise, but I dropped out because “words weren’t my thing” LOL.. I actually stated that ‘words and me’ were in a fight! I got the deceptive point from realizing words because I understood (from linguistics) that “the nebulae of thought” was formed and shaped by thoughts.. so let’s say we got cookie dough, and you got this metal cookie cutter thing that can make that dough look like a star for example.. well that’s how I got to understand what words did to the “nebulae of thought” so I said ‘ok so, the remains of that shape, the cookie clay that didn’t get to make it into the star-shape thing… where does it go? Is there another word for that? or just gets lost with no reference point as word?’ so that was my whole dilemma and … me thinking of myself of more a “imaginative creative visionary person” than a writter or a linguistics investigator. UHm.. so I left my hometown to come here and be in art school : “my thing” apparently… so now I had to be satisfied right? hehe I thought I was… up until I found the true nature of this all.. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to state myself as being in a fight with words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow separation between myself and words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem words as a limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separete me from words as who I am 

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deem images being much cooler than words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to state that I was in a struggle with words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say words weren’t enough to describe the whole

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to live up to the future

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to live in past memories, in the past and still be living as a mind consciousness system engaged with the past as who I am supossed to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being better with images than with words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to declare a separation between me and words, deeming words not being enough and as complete as an “image” could be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself, my life in expectancy of someone/something separate from me, therefore living always in the future tense. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard words within and as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to believe I could do much better with images than words

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize me as words as one with me

I forgive myself that I havcen’t allowed myself to realize me as the brush and the paint and the canvas I am expressing myself on.

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

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