I remember once saying that I would completely “believe” in Desteni the moment I got a tree of life interview. Of course this was a thought crossing my mind the moment I discovered a bit more about the website. Then I discovered I really needed no “proof” this is real for it all makes common sense. I was expecting this interview only to confirm now how I was doing in my process of self realization as all as one as equal. This came today, I was a bit anxious to watch and well… certainly, once again, it all points out to: me trapped, haunted by past experience that’s a mind manifested system affecting my kidneys, my solar plexus, my chest and back area… pff.. no wonder why I feel stiffness specially in my back and chest area as well… The deal is… I haven’t been self honest with my starting point of unconditionally live here as the moment of breath, no existing in the mind. I realize that past is still here trapped and stored in my kidneys, therefore, I have to dig into myself to get out the past rotting corpses.
The thing is… I realized I was still defining me as who I was.. .and I hadn’t realized that who I am now isn’t the same as who I was before all this. So I was basically holding on to the construction of me, the concept I have shaped and molded and created through this life experience which was all manifested by a preprogrammed preordained predesigned mind consciousness system placement within and as me, right? So I have to get out of all those attachments. pff! I was like.. how dare I still be running in the past? I think it’s one of the first things I should’ve given up to in the first place… but maybe these are heavy layers, past experiences defining me. Although I do not define them as been heavy as I inmediately began doing written and spoken self forgiveness and this time, digging REALLY deep into my past… It was also helpful to be at the chat room the moment I got the interview as I could discuss it with others and get feedback on how to get rid of the past . So maybe it’s as easy as releasing it and unconditionally exist here as the breath. Defining me as who I was perceived to be was one of the most rooted things I have. But let’s not forget this is all mind blabbering right now. I am serious about this and I wrote as much as i could.. no blank moments… memory after memory, thought after thought, all written down and reduced to system manifestations on paper, right..? phff! I just have to LET GO!
I enjoyed my tree of life’s movements while talking about the winged area hehe, chicken like bird like maybe.. oh gee.. I fell asleep like one hour and a half in the afternoon, strange, after drinking some coffee.. woke up and couldn’t tell if I had slept the whole night or not… weird.. right after I began writting and writting.. for two hours and a half maybe… there’s still so much to do but i’m enjoying this. Confrontation of myself while the presence of others now will be interesting… getting rid of past definitions, past experiences, past conditions ….I know I can do this, it’s simple once you get a little help to guide you where you are extremely fucking with yourself right?
I don’t know if then all self forgiveness was useless because of starting point being wrong.. gee… that would be a bummer… lol
anyways… lots of realization today, past memories rising up and the more it comes the more i’ll aply SF on.
I want to be able to feel that breeze the tree talked about… because maybe it’s because I haven’t been in another body “yet” to experience other ways of experiencing life, here and now… maybe I’ve been this tight for so long I can’t define whether it’s pain or constriction or clausterphobia or not.. anxiety… definitely. I realize it comes from some form of uncomformity with myself, and I get now where it comes from PAST! all in the past.
I used to live in the past, and the future, never present tense. Weird that I actually wrote this little post named Past tense the day I receive my tree of life interview and he tells me of past being the main mindfuick hehe interesting, right? So past tense it really was, past will be past. This is me, beyond past definitions, this is me the new me, the me that will endure as self honesty for the rest of existence, the me without the ego manifestations of mind, the me towards freedom from the mind.
I feel greatful for all of this really