Day Zero

I stayed at home all day. I had some stuff to do with the videos I’ve made and photographs for school.. hmm it’s going ok.. now I watch those pictures and not so many feelings come around, and thoughts.. well…

Still … I ‘ve been dealing with a headache most of the time during these last 2 days… wonder why… I know maybe too much preassure knowing what i have to do and how to do it.. it’s all up to me now.

Everything keeps moving, swaying, flickering from time to time to my eyes… I only focus in breath. I was staring at the television to fix and record my videos from my camera… it was weird staring at the tv once again… although I remember how I used to call the tv “my best friend” oh god !
I forgive myself that I ever allowed myself to define the tv as being my best friend.
I forgive myself that I ever allowed myself to declare being addicted to mtv
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to consume my childhood infront of the television
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret losing time of my life as a child infront of tv
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live up to get home and watch tv all afternoon

I used to even make my homewoerk infront of tv. My mom didn’t complain as i always had “high” grades at school. yep i was always straight A’s and all that.
I forgive myself that i ever allowed myself to be defined as an intelligent girl
i forgive myseelf that i ever allowed myself to be recognized by people for being the smart girl in class
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed mysel to put effort in keeping my title at school

OH well. As i was sayiing… i stood at home. the only “friend” i have here in puebla called me but i wasn’t next to cellphone to get it. he didn’t call again so i didn’t call him back. don’t want to be dishonest pretending I care.
My sister’s sister in law just lost her 9 year old dog.. my sister came home crying and all sad. I said N.E. R. D (No one ever really dies) but still she told me to shut up and that the absence of mitzy will be there no matter what.
so.. I decided to put water in my bottle and go back upstairs.

Parents see me here at home all time.. they try to “give love” lol maybe they think I’m a bit down/depressed or something.. bringing me cookies and peanuts and all stuff they can.. giving me chocolates.. lol
It’s cool.. I am able to spend some more time with them. Months before now I used to evade them a lot. Barely saw them during my time here because I spent all time with my friend that is no more. He was really really dominant and hogging all my time.
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to be always available for a
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to be unconditional towards a
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having been a’s slave
I forgive myself that i allowed myself to think that I was in an equality relationship
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to be his faithful companion wherever he went
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to support him unconditionally in any way required.
I forgive myself that i allowed myself to feed up his ego through hailing  his music
I forgive myself that i allowed myself to believe in a
I forgive myself that i allowed myself to trust a
I forgive myself that i allowed myself to give myself unconditionally to a
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself unconditionally infront of a
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to be defined by him
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define periods of my life according to my “friendship” relationship with him
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still wonder what his music is sounding like now
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed thoughts about him nowadays in my mind

How I just want him erased of my life

There’s a song that’s called Día cero by a band from Chile called La Ley. It’s an old song, maybe 12 years old but it talks about this guy that gets amnesia and he remembers nothing from one day to another…
“I don’t know how to look at what I left behind.” – “in that long road that once saw me walk, this blind injury has been born that has erased today my past” “strange people talk about who I was”
“I burned a biography and blew away the ashes of yesterday”
“don’t try to teach me who loved me and who I am supossed to love, day zero begins, and tomorrow its continuity”
And blew away ashes of my past…  quite nice song.

So tomorrow I’ll leave puebla in the morning for another monday but for now.. this is me resting on my sofa watching these two van gogh puzzles I made some years ago… and this new drawing I have that I will show someday. For now… this is it.
Going through process of becoming aware of the breath in every moment.. gee who would’ve known this could take so much focus and discipline eh!

So going to sleep now.. have a nice life-week .. april time…
see you around

Advertisements

About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

Share your Realizations

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: