I am experiencing pains .. right now in my legs/thighs and in my head. Bernard said it’s because of the idea of connection with all .. but it’s just an IDEA therefore it is the mind deceiving me.. oh gee I understand pains are here to make us aware…I know what i’m doing wrong: still existing within and as the mind!
This is far far more difficult that trying to get rid of drugs or any other stuff, person.. the mind! the mind! this is unbelievable who would’ve thought that we had to ever get rid of our minds.. yes… I know I realized this since the very beginning of watching and getting through desteni’s info but still.!
I’m an escapist.. therefore right now Iwould like to write much but this pain in my head, it’s unlike any other pain I’ve had before. it’s hard and I don’t know what it will take to just stop it . Maybe it’s some preassure, stress ? hmm stress for existing within and as the mind? stress for knowing I have to get rid of my past? Well I’m surely just complicating myself as I know the answer to resolveitall lol : being here as the breath.
That’s all I require, see and as I write those words some pins pin on my head like ‘yeah! there you go! you know the answer … just be here!’
Or I could as well be just fuicking with my mind once again creating these experiences.
I saw the book of a paintor that really blew my mind. .. I really like him, his name was Vlady and my teacher had showed me his drawings before and he said mine resembled his drawins a bit .. I was like yeah right!
But his paintings are great. I don’t know how this helps process.. mmm maybe because I hadn’t seen paintings that caught my attention like this in a long time… not since pollock maybe lol well no . .that’s just too much. Uhm but maybe that book was there to tell me: “here you go Marlen, you are able to get rid of anything that is tieing you up to not express yourself freely.” Although he paints too many sexual relationships in metaphorical ways… the thing I liked was the colors, textures.. oh well .. but these are all images, right?
That was one of my concerns while gettting into process: me creating pictures AH! .. long way to go
so I can’t stop painting because that’s what school is about for me.
I am trying to express myself but still these images of war and destruction appear on canvas.
Anyways.. glad to be back in my house today. I enjoy cleaning. I listened to more music than I had been listening lately… I thought OH I was doing great while not listening to music, but I enjoyed music, so I guess no problem. I have to stop being so hard on myself.
I have to stop defining me as what others perceive/thing create a concept around me.