It was quite a day really… I got awaken by the garbage bell 6:30 am then I read stuff, drank my chai, had breakfast and left home to go downtown to a museum. It’s funny because I rarely go outside besides school while in here, in mexico city. I live 5 minutes away from school so I don’t need to use transportation or anything everyday… but going out I sure need to do so. I took taxi, train, metro and I was there at this museum. Waited for a long time til the time of opening came, but after almost an hour of having been waiting, I got to know that they weren’t going to open it due to some mal function of the installations.. oh gee! First time I decide to leave home, take transportations, after more than an hour and a half to get there, lots of people and NO museum! I kind of suspected it before, so while waiting I went into this café and drank a capuccino. . . then I left so let’s say it was mostly in vain the whole trip. I amazed myself because I would’ve usually gotten bitter/angry/frustrated by this kind of stuff happening to me in the day I decide to go out… but I wasn’t. I stayed calm, here and it was ok.
Got back home all sweaty, it was really hot outside, showered, read, entered chat… I got the support from Bernard on the headache: interesting stuff about irrational thoughts… I’ve never thought about it…and it’s so true, something triggered me and I am not even able to trace it down that easily because I’ve seen so many videos, so much info everyday that I just have to go through it all. I remember that the dolphins actually really affected me. Indeed.. that was the one that for the first time, got my eyes all watery… so no cry… but I was really like secretely pissed off at humans for doing this… so I’ve applied self forgiveness on each point regarding dolphins.
I think I’m also in the middle of my period so… it might be that as well who knows… but right now it’s alright. But let me continue.
I went to school, had a ridiculous “drawing test” by some teacher that got all mad at us drawing as we pleased, not being “realistic” enough blablalba I did what I felt like drawing at the moment, never minding it was all going to be tested and studied, whatever.. I don’t know how they want to sistematize this kind of stuff such as SELF expression.. gee! what’s wrong with this world.. I know!
Then in the following class lights went off, pc’s quite didn’t work so the exposition didn’t work out that well. I was feeling my head all red hot and my eyes got a bit affected by being too much in the smog, too much in the sun during my waiting outside the museum. Ah… so class ended early.. and the friend I’ve been having sex with came here again.. he told me about this trip he had with his class and they got all attacked by bees… oh gee I was thinking inside.. ‘oh my, yes indeed they don’t want you getting into their places you boyscouts!’ he got stung and all but nothing further than that happened.. although we had sex. It’s cool to experience sex now.. there’s not the hornyness I used to develop or ‘compound’ while being in the act… I just express myself and let it all flow.. no thoughts really, it’s great and it’s cool there’s no feelings attached really.. this is something that I wouldn’t have expected months ago when I could still feel emotionally attached or physically engaged with this man. He’s a free dude and we just agree being together but no strings attached so… it’s basically cool. I don’t know how long this will be possible or what, but for now it helped me release something and the headache seriously diminished.
After that, we wentback to school, to drawing class. tss! I made some cool drawings and I’m glad I went back, I didn’t want to because I had the headache and all sore eyes but he said ‘let’s go to school’ and so I did and enjoyed myself in drawing class… cool things came out and that was cool.
Communication with my roommate went easily as well.. I don’t want to say it’s because of sex that I was ‘lighter’ but let’s say I pampered myself a bit. The deal about you touching yourself when being with another really brings a whole new different perspective while being with someone. It’s really interesting to be aware of what’s going on inside you… but this time no feelings really, just arousal coming in a gathering of two. So .. cool! I don’t want to define myself as being better for experiencing sex really…
Ate my fruits and youghurt while talking to amanda (roommate) about how people place themselves in the attainment of something/someone to be ‘happier/healthier/more stable’ within and as themselves. And that when they eventually achieve that, they are still the same. I said that’s because they think that ‘that’ which they desire/want/need will change the experience of themselves when it’s not about that which is in separation, but about who they are in every moment… so yep! I was glad really I could take out some of process stuff while this regular CONversation developed.. I really would like more of these opportunities to slowly plant some seeds within her.
I had a strange dream also related to me and my grandfather… it’s in PF if you are interested. It was kind of freaky but already applied SF so it was just mind playing tricks as always.
So it’s great not being uncomfortable in public transportations, fearing men looking at me lol.. I reallize most of the girls go through the same harassment from men, like Ann said men working in constructions lol! that’s usually the groups of men we, as women, avoid passing infront of.. .and you know that in mexico they are specialists in making these things called ‘piropos’ which are nothing but “pootry-like sexual messages made to ‘flatter’ women or women’s physical features’ some are offensive, some others are pootry like-
The thing about pootry is just the word Leila came out while that chat with ‘ta ta ra ra! :Satan!’ I missed it, but… I was reading this article today for school and I really had a hard time grasping the core/essence content of those words I was reading. See the stuff I read mainly about is art so it’s linked to phylosophy poetry anthropology history whatever, linked to human stuff wondering the ‘origin/nature/expression of the mind’ of humans.. it’s all merely useless knowledge, made by several MCS trying to find out their ‘true nature’. So I read from Maite that she was experiencing the same thing and Satan said that pootry is people not being able to be self honest, therefor hiding in redundant ways of speaking.. so merely pootry lol.. and it’s great because I remember reading Hamlet’s to be or not to be part and it was like.. wtf? lol ancient engrish plus redundant stuff like to be or not to be…
We have to get this done, we have to do it this time, we don’t want to be re-cycled again. not again, we all must face ourselves, we all must engage with life as all as one as equal.. and I realize it won’t matter if I get to do this, I won’t go anywhere anyways, so I will just forever be, nothing else.
I see some people are having really somekind of problems with their egos, they are getting too attached. I am trying to trace myself to where I am still being in the ego
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel flattered by receiving comments of “great drawing!” on my work today in drawing class
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel desired by m while having sex
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the mind while judgning some classmates for their theme expositions in class
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the experience of woking in team with this girl that wants to work with me.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel more similar/related to certain people in PF than others, therefor I realize we are as one as equal no matter what and that we must support each other
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge shaun for him being disgusted/uncomfortable/displeased while being greeted in the chat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I wouldn’t like solmaz at all if meeting her and sharing with ther a conversation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowd myself to deem solmaz as a egotistic girl still
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge solmaz when i haven’t even reallly had a conversation/chat with her
Great so… it’s goo this thing.. to write before going to sleep eh! I have to get things done for school soon
and time’s running out. I just want to have time to dedicate myself to SF, and translating stuff and all that once school is over.. that’s up until june I guess… also. saving money to one day get to SA
Self direction is something that I learned today in a cool way, also with experiences of m as well. Cool guy.
‹Satan› lol Maite – poetry exist because human beings are afraid to speak self honestly within directiveness of being = so poetry is fear of speaking directly in self honesty – so, you have to find what the being is trying to say but couldn’t say because of fear = it’s a ****up – lol
‹Leila› poo try
Satan only could’ve said it this way. yeah!