Expectatives -tentatives- temptations= expell temptations

I admit I was expecting an answer to what he had to say about the email I sent him yesterday. Today i kept on working for school stuff making storyboards with pictures and binding the whole thing old style… they ended up looking ok for homework. And so i needed a drill to make holes in all the bunch of sheetsof paper.. so i went to my aunt’s house that is next to ariam’s house.. (remember he’s my neighbor) … and  i looked up to his window and he was there… lol my immediate reaction … there you go first reaction was saying hola! in a nice soft voice, kindly and he was smoking so he  didn’t really talk as he was holding th smoke in .. i think he just sort of moved his eyes and i went directly to my aunt’s door.. as i was ringing the bell i was like fuick! i saw him… i reacted! i’m still not over him… and then while getting the drill and all i was thinking inside like… gee will he be looking outside when i go out once again and so on… it was a rather weird situation seeing him once again after month and a half. I already wrote about his on pf and i said that in those 3 seconds i looked up at him i could tell that he’s not in a well state. In one email he’d said he will smoke till death takes his last puff or something like that so i remembered that while watching him like that.. maybe it was only my perception but.. anyways.. i went back home.. i heard some of his music playing and i reacted to the sound of his music… I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let ariam’s music hypnotize me and take me back to the times when i was with him. 
I went home, drilled the holes and immediately took it back… this time i didn’t look up the window… and i delivered the drill to my cousin and left but deep inside i maybe wanted him to be there and talk to me or something… I know that wasn’t plausible but.. this only means one and only one thing: i still care about him 

I come home and watch Ann’s and Tala’s videos about their hometowns and i was wondering how cool they are and so on. I discovered Audreys’ vlogs and this particular one about friends and family i was like.. OH gee… and then she goes saying that we shouldn’t really isolate ourselves from friends and family etc… and I immediately reacted about ariam’s situation, about what he’d confessed to me in his messages and how i had totally blown the whole thing up. And I was bummed by seeing him, totally , specially seeing him like that. I mean it all goes down to.. yep I used to be with him in that same window on sundays.. just being with him. 

So i already asked on PF if i did right.. or wrong, was I too hard with him? am i being too jaded? The moment I wrote that email I experienced calm and no feelings attached.. but fuick I was put in such a big test today having to see him for few seconds and my whole world came down once again. I know this also happend to him maybe. 
uhm I said that even if i went back with him that would mean go to my past… and that’s what i am trying/on the way to take out of myself. He is my past.. yes.. so maybe it was another temptation and that’s it. Maybe i just should stop beLIEving in his words, he is using certian words that maybe knows i can fall for.. . but anyways.. beyond his particular words and reactions.. I am concerned about my reaction towards his feelings

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned about my self honesty towards ariam
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still be affected/moved by seeing ariam
I forgive myself that i have  acceptd and allowed myself to get impressions of ariam by seeing him 3 seconds
i forgive myslf that i have accepted and allowed myself to become unstable/moved by seeing ariam 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret in a way my response to his messages
I forgive myself that i have acceptgd and allowed myself to judge ariam
I forgive myslf that i have accepted and allowed myself to wonder what his reactions were towards me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within and as the memory of ariam
I forgive myself that i havea accepted and allowed myself to still be moved/affected by the word ‘love’
I forgive myself that  I have accpted and allowed mysel to desire/wanting to give ariam advices on how to live life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define his current situation as a bad one
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guitly about my words written down for him
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for ariam
I forgive myself that i havea accepted and allowed myself to stil have feelings and emotions towards ariam
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to consciously desire/wanting/needing to see ariam, therefor creating this “fortuite” meeting of but few seconds. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself wanting to show myself as a “better being” in fron of him
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to speak the words HOLA! with joy as if nothing happened. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire molde my expression towards certain situation, judgin me for expressing myself unconditionally. gee!!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to care what he thinks about me now
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in uncertainty to know  his reactions/feelings/emotions towards me now after reading that email
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even consider the possibility of going back with him just to support him, to enjoy myself with him 

I see this feelings are all MIND. Mind not wanting to be left alone with no support… mind wanting to take over once again, using the best bait to do so… him . 
lol 

Ahh the trap, entrapment maybe it is… so basically what i’m expectging in support from others on pf to tell me i did right and that i shouldn’t worry about my reactions towards his own stuff. 
I realize alos that he’s too much of a MCS and….. i know where those words come from.. from desperation, loneliness, anxiety, him not being brave enough to experience self intimacy, never ever.. he’d rather sleep than spend time with him just like that. 

So it’s been the question now.. Audrey¿s vlog was really helpful.. really really, i would’ve liked watching it before sendin the email.. to not show or expose my process onto him or others.. but now i know. great info thanks Audrey. ANd… whatever has to be, will be that’s it. I will keep focusing here… and anow.. .and get rid of the maze of ariam’s wordl. Oh i jsut yawned!!! oh no!
gee
That’s it for this weekend… 

thanks

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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