Today I woke up much later than usual.. I actually slept for long hours, more than 8 maybe.. oops..! and then I did the usual and noticed some weirdy feeling going on and yes, I knew what it was about.. me having my period. indeed… then I casually checked my cellphone and I had this message from amanda, my friend… she wrote: “Dear Marlen, I had an accident and I’m in hospital, I’m ok”
and I went like wtf? Had no immediate reactions really, I stood calm and so I phoned her… she told me that after I left yesterday, she went out for a ride as usual in her bike and some taxi ran over her.. so she got hit right on the face. She said she had deep bruises on her face and broke her nose… there was apparently no problem with her head – or so tomographies had revealed – there were some other superficial injuries but nothing that alarming, though, she had to go into surgery for her nose today, and for some deep bruises… gee I was like… stable I couldn’t really grasp the situation but I didnt’ know what to say to her… I didn’t feel sorry.. I couldn’t feel compassion.. I actually alrealdy posted the whole thing in PF because then I perceived myself as being coldhearted etc. ah so confusion arrived.
I actually told her that nothing happens by chance these days.. then she reacted like all different and I was like fuck ! yes.. maybe I shouldn’t have said that… ah… then well I told her I would call at night. . . and then went and told my family and they got more concerned and with more feleings and emotions involved than me… so it was awkward. The deal is I didn’t know if I should’ve gone there, go back to mexico city, but I had jsut arrived here and I thought. well.. I wouldn’t make that much difference there, and me not showing any emotions or anything would be even more weird, so I decided not to go butg to call her to know how’s it all going…
I went out to the museum to see some paintings by a rather extravagant guy and I realized that all his paintings had as base or foundation point self hate/sadness/depression/enslavement to someone to love, narcisism etc… really flowery paintings, he’s gay and so he even used some male porn in his paintings. He had some really nice imagination but claims himself to be a faithful believer and I was like blah ! lol but anyways, too many paintings cool indeed… uhm and then there was the work of this woman that makes “clothes” out of rice paper, her own hair as thread and blood.. so she stated that it’s herself put into the art work weaving herself as the thread of life. It was nice, same kind of art works … nice. I walked around downtown, I hadn’t been there for few weeks…I noticed I don’t go around walking like 100 km per hour… I go slower now, being aware of every step.. since yesterday I understood a bit more why Rattle snake is my support… “rattling the cages of the caged” as bernard said, at that moment I wasn’t able to understand, now I slowly but surely do. It does relate to me and the way i’m perceived in this world hehe
Also I forgot to mention that while I was listening to Enigma’s song “return to innocense” when the guy says,
just believe in destiny (lol)
dont’ care what people says
just follow your own way
don’t give up and miss the chance
to return to yourself
the return to innocense
I felt this whole body shivering, like goosebumps i dont’ know it was weird… but maybe it’s mind so i don’t want to have my own experience lol . . . though words are specific in that song… self help . I’ve liked that song for 14 years now.. whoa too much time eh? two thirds of my life
Returning home I read some replies on thread about my friend’s accident… alex claimed i shouldn’t feel bad, joseph did sf for me to release that… and catherine finally put me down to earth… Her comments struck me as I wanted to be shaked and told by someone aware of this whole process situation to give perspective…
I realized that I understood that people needed to go through much disgrace pain and terrible situations in order to be aware of what they were accepting and allowing within themselves… so that’s why this kind of events happened.. and yes I said that I knew something had to make her open eyes to what she was doing to herself. Indeed self abuse, and I can see myself mirrorred mirror-errored in that as I did the same supression on myself…
She’s doing some stuff quite more extensively, but I wont’ judge anyone, and just let them BE because I will leave everyone in their process and just step in whenever I’m required to do so. Maybe the only thing I can do is support as “I am here as you” and that’s all. Cath might’ve taken my posts as me stating that I am an aware person and she isnt’.. well… yes it might’ve been true or so my expression just showed that so cleraly it’s me, although it wasn’t my intention. So yeah it’s me in that accident as well but somehow all my life I’ve lacked this compassion or emotions and feelings towards pain and accidents and death…
The first time I remember crying over death was when my mother’s best friend died of cancer… and I had taken it all cool but it was the first funeral I attended… and this was like maybe 5 or 6 years ago already (2001) but at some point I just burst into tears.. and that was because of memories of who she had been, how sweet person she was etc… quite a moment that was… but then I really haven’t gone through TOUGH stuff in life… and I certainly wouldn’t like to go through any of that, but maybe that’s why i’m kind of jaded… Yep I wanted to talk about me being a bit jaded maybe. So this side of me showed up today as this even unfolded… and as posts came by and replies… and the whole thing now is that I’ve got to release this and i’m waiting for somoene else’s perspectives because I’ve got a bit of polarity perspectives right now. I won’t go to visit her until I go back on monday… I’m done with the “what will they think if i don’t go etc” and so I rather put all myself into a phone call than actually going there… maybe or I’m just justifying myself to not go.
So it’s been quite something right? and period coming today. I ate here at home, my dad bought me sushi, he’s such a great dad, and then mom and him went to movies and I was left alone..
But there was a living room delivery for this new room at home and I had to take that and move furniture and stuff and Gee! my dad’s downloaded anxiety and perfection and anguish and rushing whenever things pop off without a warning came out and I rushed and started yelling and being all desperate calling my parents because they couldn’t make moves with car being in the garage and I don’t know how to drive…. etc… almost broke a cable of the modem. agh.. and got something incrusted in my direction finger right hand, it’s still there.. wonder why… lol
I read B’s stuff about only 11 families making it through process in whole world at the time. Instant wish desire for my family/parent’s marriage to be one of the few ones… Instant fear of losing what i’ve known till now… as it is. It’s strange because little by little I’m revealing all these points that take some effect-reaction-feeling and emotion within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/hope and desire my family being one of the 11 families up until know making it into process
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the family construct i’ve known so far
I forgive mysel that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my father
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my sisters
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to fear losing my doggies
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death of parents
I forgive mysel fthat i have accepted and allowed myself to fear death of marriage of parents
I forgivge myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself into future tragedy situations not living her as the moment
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge a for being dishonest with herself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge a for inflicting self abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that we indeed need to go through tough situations to realize what they have accepted and allowed within ourselves
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from A and everyone else in this world ( I think i’ve done this one quite few times before)
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be fired up by things going out of control today
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslf to define me as jaded
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self doubt towards my direction and standing up in this life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my period for my mood swings today
I forgive myself that i have acceptd and allowed myself to abuse eating because of menstruation time
I forgive myself that i have accetped and allowed myself to abuse sweet not taking it is as the sweetness of life
I forgive myself that i have accetpd and allowed myself to react with feelings and emotions while reading catherine’s post in accident thread
My sister showed me this video about being happy and enjoying life and i got fired up because I know she showed me this with the starting point of her considering i’m not enjoying myself, that i’m being a bitter person and a party pooper all time.. so i explained her all the stuff and well she might’ve not understood it all but maybe some ideas rang her ears .
Ah.. they want to remain in la la land… why do I have this obsesion towards making other people know about the shit’s that’s going on?
well.. I don’t know if I should stop doing this or not.. or if I should just let everyone be in their own thing.. . .
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered/fired up by my sister showing me that la la land video
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react with irritation and anger towards my sister’s comments on accepting the ups and downs of this word becase “that’s the way this world works”
No wonder why people remain fucked up for so long without noticing.. they accept the shit to happen
And I am still gazing out of the window to maybe see my neighbor once again, or maybe I hallucinate listening to his guitar… ahh fuck .. I really”hope” that i’m not going downwards or backwards on this because I’m actually spending time making videos and doing the stuff i did, listening to music and all that… so.. yep… I want perspectives on this
I don’t want to be messing with me without knowing that I might in fact be doing the exact opposite thing .. .. yep still gaze out the window hoping he might be there..
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire meeting my neighbor by chance
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react towards car honks as if it was him
I forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to hallucinate guitar playing far away.
I also saw on street one of the girls that he used to go out with, or goes out with don’t know and she looked at me like with these eyes of “are you ok”? lol that was the girl I felt more “rivalry” with because she is few years younger and she tried to copycat some stuff from me in order to be liked by him… etc… so I reacted but for a few seconds in seeing her face
I forgive myself that I have ccepted and allowed myself to have a reaction inside while seeing g popping off in the street
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what she thought of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel rivalry with gaby
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel jealous of g as being a’s affair
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder if a still is seeing her
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not meeting up anyone anymore therefore hiding myself from everyone
I forgive myself that I have accetped and allowed myself to still care about his affairs and moves
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem this day as being a not self centered day, being in and as the mind for most of the time.. so
I have much work to do – I stop here.