Landing on Earth

I did the usual monday move from Puebla to Mexico city, I arrived much earlier indeed but amanda’s aunt came here to pick up her ID and some other stuff, so I had to wait until that to go to school. I saw the bike all broken in the entrance of home… i was a bit shocked. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shock in awe for seeing the current state of the broken bycicle. 

Getting her defenitely let me know/remember what had happened etc… Went to painting class and i am doing something i’ve never done here and i’m liking it. I’m getting rid of past kind of pictures i was waking.. maybe it was materials maybe it was the huge canvas amanda gave me. 

This experience of painting her “picture of self suffering” back to all white and now me using it for another painting is actually kind of weird. I painted this suffering back to white and the bike event happened just hours after that… 

see… Bernard said that self forgiveness speeds up the events to come, or sometimes magnifies them… ahh well .. yes i did sf on her name on wednesday last week i guess… weird interesting but.. ok… i won’t blame myself from doing so

I got major help from Jack at this post on amanda… he told me that i had to look into myself to see similar patterns between her and I … and how we are all reptilian designs so we are all cold blooded or cold-hearted beings at some point…. this whole event has certainly brought up many questions within me, wondering yep.. that could be me right there… 

Also me becoming my father, just like her.. INteresting because my father had a rather weird way of behaving this weekend, turning more into a neurotic and whiner version of himself…. And on saturday yes i got some of that as i was resting at home and had to receive the living room and yes.. me firing up! in conflict of moving stuff in order for living room to fit, making phone calls etc… and i remember talking to my father about when things go out of control, of perfect control, he loses it and curses and blames everyone… this exactg same thing happend to me on sat. Oh gee
and the thing about rushing when walking, and the solitude likeness … comes from my father

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become my father without noticing
I forgive myself that i have acceptd and allowed myself to judge my father’s behaviour not realizing the similar patterns I am presenting as well
I forgive myslef that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush while walking on street, rushing for time and therefore rushing to a place where i have to be and be safe
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to criticize my father’s whinner’s attitude on saturday not realizing that I do sometimes react the same way as he does
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to embrace neurotic patterns of cleanliness and order obsession from my father
I forgive myself as my father for accepting and allowing myself to be disturbed by anything that goes out of place of order in my perfect place/controlled life. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to act like my father wanting to have everything under control
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoid reality in a way that my father does as well
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislkike having strangers at home
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having everything under control is actually a healthy thing to do 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowede myself to desire being healthy/clean in perfect control of environment/situation. 

Going back to Jack’s post.. the insecurity/self doubt / self confidence I experience to regards of how I experience myself within me…. interesting thing because I realized something major that i already Knew by words but hadn’t experienced so clearly. 
What we judge/point out /say about other person that i sbothering to us, is actually what we are that bothers us therefore we point out in someone  else’s world. Hum… it’s never really about someone else, but ME all ti me. alll time as Self.. therefore first… existed major separation of me towards any other being as i did with Joseph’s comment and Self forgiveness list . . . indeed. 
So I criticized amanda’s insecurity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure within and as me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still feel insecure in my own skin
I forgive myself that I have acceptd and allowed myself to experience insecurity while being out in the street, fearing something might happen to me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about the way I look
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure while thinking about my life and sustainance. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about telling amanda about the process i am going through, about self forgiveness because of fear she might take me as a lunatic/cult joiner etc. therefore experiencing insecurity in home while she’s here to speak out loud self forgiveness lines

Self doubt
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self doubt while existing on the mind
I forgive myself that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that self doubt cannot exist while being only as the breath of life, because self doubt is but a mind manifestation
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to  doubt my own ability to make it through this process
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt about my work in painting, my art work in general
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in uncertainty of my life as a mind consciousness system
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my strenght to go through this process
I forgive myself that I havea ccepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self doubt towards the immediate future
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always require other’s comments/opinions/advices in order to reassure my own decitions. 
I forgive myself that I havea accepted and allowed myself to deem something as being always right or wrong. I forgive myself that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that i must stop polarity in all ways existent. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self doub tof my own capabilities of self, doubting that i can be “as good as others” not realizing that i’m existing in inferiority. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to other people regarding knowledge and information to go through this process
I forgive myself that i havea accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure/exist in self doubt whenever i see some girl that resembles the perfect picture presentation, then existing within and as self doubt of image presentation. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to cirticize amanda and any other person for lacking self confidence to show themselves just the way they are, when I dyed my hair and used eyeliner, mascara to “enhance” my physical features. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my speech/my comments/insights whenever i write at desteni forum/chat
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt of my importance anywhere. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become my father’s pattern of lacking self confidence, feeling “less than” others, and therefore, making everything possible to be noticed and liked through superficial comments

Self confidence: 
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be fully and completely confident within and as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack confidence whenever communicating while writting in chat/board at desteni
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep the lack of confidence within and as me showing up everytime i see myself threatened by others
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable
i forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy patterns of father about “feeling less than others” therefore, feeling not fully accepted in certain places/environments
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by my fahter’s attitued about lacking self confidence, not realizing that he’s one and equal to me and he downloaded info into me, therefore, me judging me for lacking self confidence. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still have som residue of caring about what people think of me. 
I forgive myself that i have acceptd and allowe dmyself to still wait for other’s approval of my deeds/works/actions within and as this world
I forgive myself that  i have accepted and allowed myself to always desire being right, and if this goes wrong, my confidence seems to lower and lose stability. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having advices/ to have someone tell me what I should do in order to take action in my life, jsut to be “sure that i am doing right”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire always being in the “right path”, to desire making no mistakes so everything is in perfect order which is a pattern of my father as well
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always desire having opinions on wether it’s right/wrong good or bad taht which i am doing/expressing at the moment. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself to achieve self forgiveness lines correctly
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dobut my capabilities to stand up in this world
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still feel less than others in terms of common sense-ability
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to anyone anytime, just to enhance my lack of confidence in this world. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be egocentric.self centered whenever i only “think” about me as marlen.

Much more to come I’m sure… 

Watching Jack’s organic robot  yep! that’s how we would define human beings indeed! yes.. awesome and i’m looking forward for more. This is getting more and more interseting.. and at hte same time… let not sadness come whenever reading what future awaits us… Bernard’s chat made me realize that we should not forget at anytime the situation the world is in… all times, all people and moments they go through is me as well.. self is suffering, self is in hunger, self is being killed, raped and abused in all possible ways created by self. human mind. 

So me concerned about the situation we’re into yep… but something’s clear.. i have to trust myself only as the breath of life therefore this concern is of the mind…. not meaning that i am supressing it… but realizing that which I am not

I am alone, and will be alone this whole week here so… I experience myself more free around, not hesitating to speak self forgiveness lines out loud beacuse of amand not being here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself within and as the use of my mind.

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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