remembering the catcher in the rye

That’s a line from a song. ha.. well adapted
Yes i might probably be fuicking with my mind right now watching videos of music i used to listen. Applying forgiveness on memories but.. you see.. I was a music video addict for so long. I used to watch mtv when i was 7 years old and got into music… and… music has been a great part of my “life”… since i was 7… so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by music for two thirds of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get back to memories while watching old videos.
I remember once making a notebook with the name of each and everysingle video i watched in my life until i dont’ know what year.. crazy that was.. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write down every single music video i watched in my life.

ANd some music’s related to people.. of course.. and so.. that’s why i stopped listening to some music because I wasn’t ready to fall for memories once again… and it only makes me think of how it was so simple in past… no worries… as a kid
Seems like 21 years old made my life turn around… my and everyone’s life of course. . .

I had a nice time today making video responses while making breakfast (scrambled eggs) and.. then i decided to post video response to Paul’s breakdance video.. and i did.. enjoyed it very much. I used to be a dancing girl as a little girl.. began from age 3 maybe… i enjoyed dancing so much and my mother has many tapes with me dancing and singing and whatever. Haha I used to be the soul of the party

I forgive myself that I havea accepted and allowed myself to define me as being a happy little girl as a girl
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire clinging to my past because “it’s nice to remember”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined as the soul of the party when i was a kid
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to supress my self expression not dancing at all. I dance as me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become “bitter” while growing up and stopped dancing
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be depressed and sad while i was in highschool because I had no friends and no one to hang out with
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dream of having someone in my world to share myself, to share my world with
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, not accepted for the way I was while in highschool.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to cry whenever i read a book that “touched me” deep in the core
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as the “catcher in the rye” book’s main character: holden caulfield.
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to think that my loneliness was bad when i was a teenager
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself desire having friends to hang out with as “normal peeple do”
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this darkie self image in order to protest against the imposed way of all things being around my environment
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to criticize the “strawberry people” meaning, the people that are into fashion and have money and talk superficial stuff
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being part of any group of friends in order to feel accepted.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to endure abuse by girls in junior high that took my disposition for friendship to get advantage of my homeworks
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to believe think or perceive that they did actually like me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being accepted in the group of girls i wanted to hang out with
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe i had a heart disease when i was 14 years old
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think of committing suicide just because i thought i was “too weird” “too strange” and would not “fit into this world”
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel pointed out wherever i go
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel abused and humilliating when a boy asked me to make him a blowjob for the first time in his life and I refused to do it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be affected by boys creating me the illusion of us being something more than friends and then, nothing really happened.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the kind of music i liked.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire having a “different” image to the usual one at highschool.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to read a lot of books taking them as truths
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that those times were better
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my parents worry about me being an antisocial girl
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being antisocial
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself tgo experience jealousy of people that had friends and had a social life.

THis was all from about… 7, 5 years ago.

I am here
I am here as the breath
I am no longer my past
I am no longer defined by my past experience
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel crushed when i saw Gabriel orozco’s work of art for first time. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel, believe or perceive that everything has already been done and there’s nothing else to do

I didn’t get to expose the theme i had to for work in class today… there was a heavy heavy rain pouring down.. the electricity went off and i came home.. everyitng was beginning to be very dark. Lit up some candles and started writting… listening to hard lightenings that seemed to rock the whole house. . it ran and ran for about 3 hours
and i experienced some fright but applied sf.
then electricity came and everything was back to “normal” i know this was a huuge storm so let’s see what tomorrow brings.

I had the guts to post a video of myself dancing: yay! and it’s cool i’m working with self acceptance of image etc.. gettin rid of insecurities and all. I have sooo much sf to with so much people.. this is going bit by bit…. but i’m surely going.

I’m not defined anymore by memories, i am not defined anymore by songs of the past: I am not the mind

thanks

Advertisements

About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

Share your Realizations

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: