pain-ting struggle

So pain really manifested today while painting yep because i asked my teacher like how he saw the process of painting and told many stuff about how to give a sense to the painting and the light and the different planes etc and immediately past constructs came out in the moment: me experiencing anger/discomfort while not hearing the words iw anted to hear as: oh you’re doing great it’s great job! or something like that. So confronting real critique was rather a bump for me, but necessary for me to get down to earth from my heavenly clouds of flattering and beauty and all that which i used to exist within. Used to being flattered and praised by teachers all my life… as being the A student. all time.. so my ego saw itself shattered at the moment, then i went like wtf? why am I becoming angry or frustrated or bothered by such comments, they weren’t mean or aggresive at all.. just ways to improve work… but no ! i saw that i wanted my work to be accepted as it is.. which might possibly be another option but i guess the point to transcend here was : me taking away/off past constructs of perfection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my work and everything I do for school or any other application in life as having to be perfect
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel to always desire being praised/recognized by teachers/mates at school and through my school life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger/discomfort/bother while receiving critique from my teacher towards the painting work i’m currently developing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by others listening to the words that my teacher communicated to me with regards to the painting and the changes that needed to be done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as frustration for not knowing what to do with painting after i received all the comments from teacher

here exists two situations: one is the probable system talk my teacher gave in order to shatter my illusions of the picture being alright by itself in its nature, wanting to standarize it and so on.. the other one is that i should just let myself paint not caring to ask my teacher how it is going.
The point of asking how it was going, in first place, was because i needed a “guide” for me to give continuity to the painting… I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself within and as painting today
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/needing/wanting guidance towards how to continue my painting
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward after receiving guidance and guilty/ashamed of asking for guidance
SO. . . Here I really don’t know if it was necessary really for me to ask, or maybe it was ok to ask but yeah my reactions were completely unnecessary. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hide immediate reactions towards the guidance given by my teacher.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered right now by my mother calling to neighbors to see if i was ok, her existing within and as fear of something wrong/bad happening to me for not answering message on cellphone
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry/frustraded for my mother still existing within and as fear of something bad happening to me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to destest my sister existing within and as fear all time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger, experience myself as being pissed off towards amanda for her saying that she gives a “damn” about her nose mucous.

I really get pissed pissed off whenever she dismisses any part of her being.. as she’s despising herself as all… I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be undirectly offended by her commenting that about her nose mucous. Yep.. she would really give lots of damns if she wouldn’t have a nose anymore. THat’s what pisses me off.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe dmyself to unconsciously desire for her to really open her eyes and see that what happened to her, she actually manifested it in its entirety.

So I continue. I managed to paint… and i those comments made by teacher, as the way I got to interpret all those round words… made some changes that really gave depth to the whole picture.. again, why should i just care so much about a PICTURE ? it’s like caring for the perfect make up I see it the same way. I liked that my drawing teacher yesterday said my work had this decadence feeling. Indeed i want to show people the mess we’re living within and as. The manifestation of our own self deception.. the deal is how to show it when the formal technique isn’t my specialty… but the expression in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive that painting technnique isn’t really my specialty. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself better at self expression in itself not realizing that I am all as one and equal.. so I am self expression.
Yep i got uptight and got headache again there… so i left after a few hours… (ho ho i wrote horus) came here made orange juice, stood on pc, chat a bit, talking about white light stuff, and about the attraction i experience towards some man etc.
I already applied sf on that. . . i ate and watched more videos.. then read about Vlady and his story in art experience… his life in a way.. really cool as he had the balls to do whatever he wanted to having, in first place, the idea of freedom towards expression and caring for humanity as it is beyond gods and other stuff. Hmm yep, as many artists he went into the politic ideas etc supporting his socialism as he was russian from birth.. . and reading it was quite cool I haven’t read taht much but this is tghe first actual book i read after… gee. i guess the mayan calendar which i read on january and finishing it the day i met with desteni videos.
I dreamed of two black cats with big fangs .. i kinda was scared so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared of black cats in dreams
And other thing is the guy i ocasionally have sexual relationships with asked me if i had every done myself an aids test. i said no, never… and then i said dont’ panic! i’m sure i don’t have any.. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as panic/shock from the question being asked by manuel about aids test.
right now my left elbow went pinching like hell. So i had to go back and see that i’ve only been with three man in life, him being one of them and yep .. that’s it. So i guess there’s nothing wrong… tree of life would’ve told.. maybe i’ll go through that test if required. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having aids. I watched its video and i see why it manifests now…
It’s everywhere but the activation is specific for those who exsit in quite material system things.
The more i watch the more i see(listen) about what oneness and equality is, the more I get… as knowlede and information, tools? bla i don’t know there’s nothing to get serously, it’s all here, already done manifsted it’s only mind trying to achieve somewhere else..
so i’m leaving for now, thanks for reading

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

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