like a tattoo I no longer like

Why should I put down myday to a few words on subject=? I am words… you reading this here right now may as well know “me” for the words I use, the specific structure of words, the stuff that these words talk about etc… gee how this really knocks my previous “beliefs” of language actually caging ourselves into but a few words to signify our existence. it might be that, yes, but it’s all we got, for now. in here, in 3d.

The greatest to be continued story… Hitler’s.. part 7 left me like WHAT?!?!? I want More!  I got it in mp3 so I was listening and just about when he was going to get the answers of the demon existence, it ends! and a Marilyn Manson song comes next lol… how tied both tracks are. I can’t believe how much I’ve learned from hitler’s writtings… yep any intruder here might go.. what? neonazi? lol.. ahh
Let’s call him MyKey from now on.. it’s surely ourkey as well.

Painted… I really am about to finish it and still got to cover one more week of painting so i’ll see what i’ll do then. Next week also my roommie is coming back and I was seriously enjoying being all alone at home… anyways… this is existence for now. I can’t believe how much i feel free being alone, i’ve really appreciated being alone ever since a little girl.. whenever my mother left me alone for the first times in life etc I felt so free and responsible and all. Sometimes she would instigate fear with “don’t open the door to strangers” etc.. glad that nothing bad ever happened.

I was remembering how, as a little girl, i would see other kids begging for money in streets, selling candies and I couldn’t ever help but be sad, feel sorry for them. It was an automatic response… it would last for some moments after the image of the kid working, begging was in front of eyes .. then i would continue enjoying myself being in daddy’s or mommy’s nice car with happy little life. And I always went.. but why? why do they have to do that? why can’t they just enjoy life the way I do, why can’t htey have the life i do ?

Shakti’s here with me. the thing i really enjoy about coming home is seeing her… i really appreciate her presence at home, i really appreciate her as pure life expression she is.
I’ve also observed how my behaviour changes whenever i get home.. like little spoiled kid. I really enjoy simple things as watching how the sun colors the sky while hiding for the night… the grass, the plants, feeling the air of afternooon. I went to buy some chocolate pie from a Kentucky man living here, he was really kind, he gave me a free sample of a peanut butter pie… hehe that was cool… that isn’t a usual thing to do… I wanted to pay for it but he refused. Cool thing, cool thing! Delicious pie as well.

I noticed a’s car outside his home here and i went a bit anxious about seeing him or something.. i went out because i wanted to see the burnt red colors of sky in sunset.. saw his car but reacted a bit only.. didn’t see him and I just want to erase this necessity for me to “see him” only seeing him… what is it that i’m trying to see? why do i wonder about his current life? why do i still want to be part of his life?
I can’t believe it… but it happened to me the first time we “broke up” and stopped seeing for a year or so… i wouldn’t stop thinking of him even while we were apart.. even when I had a boyfriend for real. Shit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within and as memories related to a
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to need and desire to see him just to know that he’s alright
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to refuse leaving a’s memory for good, as mind still brings him back often.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think or perceive that he’s like a tattoo on my skin.
He feels like a tattoo that i no longer like.
And the deal is… i don’t even know if i don’t like him anymore or whatever.. i’ll just cut this off. makes no sense at all. It’s mind just rambling how path-ethic . Yeah, I won’t erase all my rants as this is mind speaking

Where am I ? here am I. Lol! Matti’s song. I guess it all comes back week after week coming here and being near to his house that’s the problem.. But it shouldn’t be as it shouldn’t be a problem for me in the first place. It’s who I am and how I am in this world in my world. So i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe dmyself to exist within and as memories of past whenever i come home each and everysingle weekend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all I’ve ever known /trusted
So… that’s it for now… maybe I’ll get this reboot tomorrow so.. dont’ know if I’l have pc tomorrow.. let’s see how it developes. HMM

see you around, thanks!

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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