I woke up early and took the bike outside… enjoyed riding and listening to mykey’s story, continuing. ah fresh air, a bit of fear still installed because of accidents in bikes ah. well. Today my pc is getting totally rebooted so i’m in my sister’s pc, quite comfy keyboard this laptop has. I went to the supermarket to get some present for my sister’s fiancee, a sports sweatshirtthat would be yep because he likes playing football. SO today it’s his bday. Each time i go out on street i’m less and less concern on male views, i’m talking about specially males because i had really feared being eaten by mens eyes you know.. i know many girls experience this as well and it’s quite horrendous yep, but now i got it: it’s the experience of me. I used to judge them, to imagine their sexually deprived lives and the ways they had to get their sexual energy out by looking at females etc… now .. it’s all within me. I had quite a massive thing with sex i hadn’t talked about. Me expressing myself openly about it, and i know some girls are afraid of men or having difficulties within the sex expression towards males. but i didn’t. I actually maybe pretended to be easy going with this and maybe repressed some fears… maybe. Images pop up in mind and it’s true The first person you ever experience yourself within and as a sexual experience, yep it does make deep impact, rebound effect and all the stuff , Came home and watched videos. Isolation one specially triggered something within me… because i went to that point, thinking that I solation was tthe solution
now we all know
GOt to talk and be in chat with MyKey! that was really cool i mean, yesterday i was whinning about me not makin it and today it was as if some voice said.. go to chat, right now! ha so i did and cool because i exposed the ariam topic of him having a performance tonight and me wondering if i should go.. i got from mykey this: Marlen=selfhonesty. SO i realized that i had to look within myself and notice that ihad other desires besides just going to listen to his music, like seeinhim again, seeing his tattoos, listening to his new musical stuff etc…. hmm i commented about it with mother and she went nuts, she got triggered in anger by this, she hates him with all her heart although she says she doesn’t ha. you can see taht in the way she reacts to him or certain people. So it wsn’t going to be easy to get there anyways so i didn’t go, i’m here writting. Being a nice girl and obeying mother geee..
I enjoyed chat … mykey said something about dogs being “asshole sniffers” lol because moka started barking out the window when she heard that ariam was singing lol that was such a sign of We don’t like you in here.. haha so .. mykey said it all with those two words,.
I asked what i wante dto ask got to tell him what i needed to tell and then everyone left and ended up with zamoramorenos which i enjoy very much as well. I know everyone’s talking about Leila haha too many fans Leila. but yeah i got this connection with her, i feel that she said today she kind of felt something as well so we could end up working together to bring awareness and take the world over ha in means of art or something that would KICk ass. but! i don’t want to place myself within a future thing because then it’s mind you know, so we’ll just let things flow now.
Went to my sister’s home. She isn’t married yet, but they already got the home and cars and all the stuff ha, so… they celebrated bday in there and i decided to be there because i would be able to ride my other sister’s brand new bike. I did, I went there, talked a bit but when they started talking about cars and hairs i went to talk to the little girl.. regina i’ve spoken about her in PF. And fuck she just cut a flower from a p lant and i went like nO! please don’t do that it hurts to her! and so then i went explaining her how everything is alive.. well i couldn’t explain that everything is alive.. but began with plants and flowers and stuff.. so she felt to cozy with me that she sat on my lap while i was sitting barefoot on the grass. hehe i was such an outcast in that “party” but i enjoy it actually. Then i went to ride bike! the sun was reaaally hard cbut didn’t care… i enjoyed so much the wind the speed! the hairs flying! going down those irregularpaths in theclosed circuit residential place mys siter will be livingin,. cool place to experience yourself in when you don’t want to know anything abouthte world . Although, abarreer is the only thing that surely divides this super spiffy houses from social interest homes… polarity manifestation at it’s best. So i’ve had some conflicts within me about my sisters in law future family being all aobut money and cars and houses and cars and cars, they give their asses for cars really. It’s somwhat like a disease ors oemthing but ok, i don’t blame them… they jsut want to fill their voids I guess. So yep a bit concerned my sister’s stepping into bluff world, a bit too because she seems grounded now but … if they start getting more and more she’ll become just like them unfullfillable and that suckS! because it isn’t even a SPiritual thing but.. a monetary/material thing. Gee. Anyways
I saw a girl that is my moms best friend daughter that died from cancer… daughter repeating patterns of mother: existing in anguish, stress at work etc. ouch my back! ha. Well Martha, is her mother, i “hope” i told her the right thing. It’s funny because my mom and this girl, her name is paulina, had some differences/fight discussion at some point of stuff that made paulina seem to be a not so good daughter etc. I don’t care about past. I just said, look here’s a girl that you used to go out biking with, singing and jumping in elastic bed as a kid, to whom you would play the teacher school game, monopoly, whatever hehe she was my sister’s and i friend, she’s like 26 or something like that. What i enjoyed is that when i went to say hi to her her eyes lit up and her expression changed,just like the girl i used to know, not the woman that became a bit fearful and filled with regret and stress for her mom leaving. So i thought we would be having a short “how are you doing” conversation. But to my surprise it went a lot deeper than that. She asked me how i a and where i study etc i explained i t all… then talked about her. SHe told me she had experienced terrible stress, even vomiting for all the stuff she has to do etc… she has always been too aprehensive with herself.. trying to have everything done all time so that’s why her boss abuses her in giving her more work than others and payingher less etc. She’ll be gettting a new job which is cool indeed… she hopes not to be so stressed out and so on. But yeah it was cool placing her as me and i told her she should take more care of her body, to care for body more that for money because whats the pointin having it all if body is fucked lol and that she has actually received adivses from doctors to quit job to stop stress…. but she says she needs the money, of course as any othe being inthis world But really it was as if she had a relief talking to me somowehow, I really thought we would talk one minute but no, we talked like 15 or more interestingthing. Enjoyed it very much and i know Martha woulld’ve said that to her as well girl, take it slooow! yep so taht was cool.
Enjoyed rididng, enjoyd going upstairs and watching sthe sunset, talking to camera a bit and then i had to leave. Left bikethere so i might go biking someother day there . I am yawning now. but yeah went and left pc to getit reboot with my cousin a computertechnician. And i’ll be expecting in tomorrow. Cool experineces of day, still thought a bit about going with ariam to hs performance but nah i just didn’t.. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowedmyself to desire wanting to go to ariam’s performance just to see him once again
I forgive myself that i havea ccepted and allowed myself to avoid conflict by not asking permission to go to see ariam live
gee well i can’t no more for now got to rest, biked a lot , body is a bit hurthehe i listen