Hair is gone

I gunned my hair with scissors by Leila’s dare and others speaking why i was just holding on to myhair and placing myself as definition within and as hair. IT was just mind fuck the whole time, me not wanting to do it, me refusing to cut it.. fears”!
fears of what everyone would say, specially family, specially parents.. and at this point of day i already had gone through it.

I dreamed of going to SA visiting the farm’s house and yeah i’ve wrot ethe dream in PF but me going to the toilett and finding ruffles inside the toilette lol, and bernard showing me the way to the bathroom and finally leaving me alone to go. And i dreamed of Sunette having this huge large black afro in some interviews of past not with desteni group but with others that i thought i knew of before desteni but couldn’t “remember” while in the dream. I also remember my parents warning me and only allowing me to stay for 3 nights, which made me a little pissed off but i then had to take the most of it. And while being therere it was like another life, so different to anything i had experienced before and i knew that as weird as it could get i was defenitely going to LIVE there. Live as the moment.

Woke up a bit late but i had to sort those hours i hadn’t slept in previous days and checked stuff here, videos, etc. then entered chat room and talking about hairs again and then i exposed myself as not being “ready” or willing to cut my hair off blablabla I got really good points to consider of my attachments within and as the hair.
IT was part of my personality, yes the messy branch like hair, i could even define me as my shadow. I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to take my hair as part of my self definition I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recognize me by picture presentations
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to get used to the shape of shadow projected by my body and head specially with lines and shadow hair created.
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear cutting hair because of definitions within and as my hair i had believed to be me
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that i wanted/desired to cling to/hold on to my image presentation and personality definitions within and as the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to cling to my projection of image presentation within and as this hollographic world
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to think/believe/perceive that i would would lose part of myself by cutting hair
I am one and equal with my hair, there’s no loss.
I forgive mysefl that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself to dare to cut hair off before because of a hope that existed within me as this point not being to important to transcend within and as my process
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear others reactions to my hair
gee it’s just hair for food’s sake!
not really important i see and it’s cool i did it. I stopped chatting and Leila and Maite were going to shave off and I said.. yes why am i holding on to it, what is it within my hair that still i attach to?
so i went, showered and then… after shower i decided to begin cutting. I just wanted to release the “i will cut it soon” thing.. and wanted to mess it a bit so i would really have to cut it then.. bu then i kept going and going until i left it short. i got rid of all the large side of hair and all! lol
and then i went to family reunion thing. SO in a way I left it as “presentable” for some hours to attend to that family reunion . I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to present myself in an acceptable image presentation to attend to family reunion.
When mother saw my hair she got really surprised but she liked it, said it looked cool. So i was like Phew1 no problem.. My Father didn’t even noticed because my hair looked almost the same from a frontal way, the hair inthe back that i always had in a little tail i cut off so it wasn’t that obvious
IT was in a nic eplace outside of city, where i was able to stare at trees, be with a puppy and an iguana, and swing a bit and eat cakes and all that….
I came home and was alone and decided that i would have to cut more because i really had to get it real short to feel the change. ANd so i took scissors once again and cut it real short this time. . . lol video in here so you see
I did lots of self forgiveness while cutting, many lols because of me cutting hair that short without even planning it, just at that moment me cutting hair off! I never erally regreted it or anything and I looked at al the hair that was gone and went like oh this is like half a kilo gee! well it wasn’t that much but it was prominent, i have lots of hair!
and i did quick video to show and that’s it. Parents confrontation was yet to come. My sister said it looked more cool now real short than how i was wearing it in the family reunion thing. So.. cool

When parents arrived home at night, mother came in and said.. you cut your hair even more?? oh no marlen! why? And i said that i didn’t feel comfortable with the amount of hair i had… and she immediately started system ranting lol

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself as my mother for deeming and judging myself as looking like a boy
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself as my mother for saying that i look ugly now
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself as my mother for telling me that my cheeks look prominent now
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a slight reaction when she deemed me as now looking ugly
I explained, it’s only hair. And so she didn’t say more… and she continued on normaly so i guess she gets my point. My father came in as my mother told him, marlen cut her hair! didn’t even say anything, he didn’t want to see me directly lol… interesting to see reactions of parents towards this. Mostly because of how they are used to seeing long hair in women in the family.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dare doing this in a way to fuck with family system. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire being the “difference” in my family.
Maybe they got a bit concerned, you could feel it in the air, lol but yeah they just shifted attention to Shakti having her first period.. aww gee! even Shakti’s got it! she’s a teeny dog now.. aw,baby growin up!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge Shakti for having period right now
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if she’s got her period now, she must be a teen, a woman
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define female dogs for getting their periods
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge and not accept processes of life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear Shakti’s growing up because then she’ll lose spontaneity, self exression and joy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel compassion for dogs having their periods
Yep… col so hair now gone. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/Perceive that I was my hair
i forgive myself that i have acepted and yep i applied spoken sf so that’s it for today….

i am sleeping of fa bit

And so… i stared at mirror and looked

About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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