Back in my silent house. Why do I enjoy coming here so much, even though mind sometimes wants to stick to comfort of parents home?
My experience today began at 6, i’m glad I managed to sleep 6 hours being really disciplined the whole week while at home, mind wanted to remain sleeping a bit more with Shakti, but, I managed to get myself up and moving
Major changes in my experience here, in the moment. It’s as if I wouldn’t even recognize myself, because I feel like the snake that is shedding the old skin just now. what comes to mind: SF beginning to ‘kick in’.
I did what I required to do very early, washed my clothes as every sunday, put all stuff i was going to bring here and went to supermarket to buy stuff that i would be able to transport in parents van. They brought me here, after all my father’s excuses and rants to not do so (he gets too stressed out and pissed off while experiencing mexico city traffic.. and gee, there was traffic, indeed) but we managed to get here. They took my painting, yep.. was “big” one 1.2 x 1.5 meters.. and… mother loved it. she said it was BEAAUTIFUL lol… funny how none of those comments really matter anymore to me… only a tiny bit and it’s like a mosquito bite now lol. I did was “glad” that painting will be at home with them, being present in the dining room. interesting. She loved it but it’s the statement of man falling apart… having the world in its hands and not doing anything about it but giving you the back and just watching it all fall apart. phew…
While moving in van in highway, I was watching the outside and watching my insides, meaning, each and every single thought coming. I felt really fucking weird. Like fearing death. Fearing me just dying in the road, fear of not going back or whatever, weird weird feeling, but it wasn’t like i was fear no, nop. How could I explain? It was like one of those times when people said to have a “bad feeling” meaning that they knew/felt/perceived something could happen, that kind of feeling… so I was whispering sf while in the van.. Also listened to some songs that I used to go all emotionally turned on with and … zero… I took out my sf notebook and wrote down some lines towards definitions of some music that popped in ipod. Then, literally fell asleep, notebook in lap, pen in hand and then later i’ve been feeling as if something/someone wakes me up just like a snap! like wake uP! and so I open eyes and say fuck! we were just heading into the city and I saw all the cars… I reacted because I expected it to be less filled with cars, but, guess not.
what am I explaining here, no interesting anyways, just mind ranting useless info gee… I am judging my explanations here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my explanations because of my thought/belief/perception that this isn’t of any importance to anyone that reads this blog.
So yes, father got a bit desperate with having to deal with those traffic jammers and all… but guess in the end it was “worth it” for them as they took like 3 paintings… and made some room in my wall. I had some problem with natural gas being already over and me having no gas currently which is a pain but, just in the moment, now it isn’t it that much.
So well… I leave one week and there’s one big bag of garbage. Seems amanda didn’t take out garbage for over a week, she didn’t separate the garbage at all, she didn’t use the garbage bin at all … lol.. all went directly to black huge plastic bag. Gee…
floors were dusty as well… but at least it all looked “presentable”. Yes our weed plant is now officially gone now and I’m glad. She was dead anyways. And so coming here made me realize that I knew already,for weeks now, that she was going to leave. It was a vague idea until it became certainty until two weeks ago. I’m glad, If I get to be alone that would be great, if not, ok as well, have to live through it anyways.
And so, my father managed to eat sandwich here before leaving, he was so anxious to leave in order to arrive early back to Puebla. That reminded me when I yesterday, “accidentally” said, “realize it’s all going to only get worse and worse for everyone”, don’t remember the exact topic, and those words came out “unnoticed” if you want, but really it was me trying to create awareness of the process and world situation we’re living in, but he got soo pissed off, that I was literally talking BS and that I should stop talking BS and quit all that shit. lol, mother just laughed and said lip synchin : he-is-afr-aid. So i said, you’re just afraid, so lol, he went on more, but really, his anger is concern and actual fer, yes. But i have to look why I got the need to speak those words.
Once my parents were gone, I came back here and enjoyed the silence. See, today I’ve been feeling less “me” than usual, me meaning the self defined version of what I perceive and think myself to be as marlen.
Then… chat with B comes and it’s all just an assurance of this existence is currenlty moving and yes… I’m more aware of what I speak, of my “doubts” and being aware of myr reactions to others comments etc. And also copying. Intersting how the “vibe” in chatroom was even like that… not speaking too much and yes… it was also right after we all watched hell on earth video by jack. ANd what I now come to ‘think’ as conclusion is… we are all experiencing it now, and oneness and equality will come in unexpected ways. That’s all I can say for now
I got a nice lamp made out of a pumpkin and my sister bought to it for me and until now i’m able to have it here. ENjoy that image… but… yes. all excitement is gone and it’s great because i don’t need to get or be “overwhelmed” if i’m just whelmed or existing here every moment.
COnflict inside me only exists when I think of other people.. .so. yes SF for me.