More stuff from the hard disk

I existed in much existential shit confusion and not knowing really where  the hell I had come from  and where I was going… I think we all did and we all wanted to be sure of what we ‘had to do’ in this life, and what we were supposed to be…. the ‘meaning of life’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire wanting and  needing to place a ‘meaning to my life’ outside, separate from me to experience myself as being fulfilled, living for real as a whole.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the meaning of life would be something profound, magnificent and great out of this world ‘ultimate truth’ that I needed to discover out there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire forming my own truth of life taken from various sources such as books, books, pictures, history, myths, legends, all kinds of knowledge and information of this world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think believe or perceive that the meaning of life was love

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that I had to find the reason to live during my lifetime in some separate source out of myself, therefore, having to ‘bare’ my existence with no goal or no ‘guiding line’ until I would find it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire wanting or perceiving that I needed a guide/guidance  to live life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think believe or perceive that an older person would guide me through life sharing their experience with me on terms of making me aware of ‘what one should not do’ therefore, wanting to be guided on ‘how to live’

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that there was a specific way I had to live my life in order to fulfill my life, to do what I ‘came here to do’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in the ‘mission of life’ as the ultimate reason of existence and life itself, meaning, having something to do, or something to create outside of myself to exist here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rely in existentialism as the way I would see life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire knowing all philosophies I could hang on from to create my own view and perspective of life, therefore, being able to ‘back up’ my view with words and ideas coming from an apparent ‘important/intelligent/outstanding philosopher’ in history of humind kind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think believe or perceive that the mystery of life was hidden in books…

I never realized it wasn’t about the world around me but who I was within and as that world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that ‘experiences’ and the accumulation of experiences thereof would indicate the level of ‘life lived’ by anyone, meaning, the more life experiences the more ‘experienced’ you were in life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire having interesting stuff to talk about to people, as experiences, just because of me wanting and desiring to make a character of myself from where I could bring back memories of ‘good old times’ and think believe and perceived I really ‘had lived and enjoyed myself fully’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem that older men are better than young men.

I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that experience shaped a person,and the more experienced a person was, the more ‘interesting’ that person would be, not realizing that the only difference in the amount of years lived is the amount of memories stacked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being in SA just like Matti is right now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having coffee with an interdimensional being and Bernard and the whole desteni crew

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling off a horse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a major accident someday, just like what happened to Frida Kahlo, therefore existing within and as fear of hurting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that the heat sensation/fever sensation only comes when I’m in chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I’m fooling myself still being enrolled in school. yep. You have pushed buttons Leila! lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I will eventually drop out of school and ‘not make it’ a second time now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving it all behind such as school and the place I live in mexico city.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to a place, attached to people that surrounds me even if I have no direct contact to it,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving it all behind because I have placed value and effort in creating that space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself o place more  importance to the stuff I have there than the actual school or people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that which is ‘unexpected’ and completely ‘out of my control’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that If I would die someday soon, I would exist within much regret for certain things that I perceive as not being able to pinpoint right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose the illusion to paint because of me believing and perceiving that everything’s been preprogrammed, therefore, there’s not much I can do as it is all already here.

why?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire innovating, making something never seen and be ‘unique’ within and as my art ‘style’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I ‘ve got a unique art style

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘let down’ all the people that saw a ‘nice future’ in my life within and as the art world or whatever it is that I would end up doing for a living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself there just because of what they will say or think if I drop out of school

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special for being  the first daughter to leave the house, therefore, feeling more special or independent or brave than my sisters

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not keeping up with the expectations my sisters and my parents and entire family and ‘known people’ have ‘apparently’ placed in me as being someone with a ‘promising future’

some nice stuff that just popped from my old journals 05 or something:

‘I should face my biggest fears, I should crawl in a valley with no food or water just to feel alive. I should not be attached to anything, just to be with my own ‘vibe’. I should step in a high peak alone in the dark with no one around but my bare soul, my bare spirit, I should not be looking for you, I should just stare at the sky and thank ‘god’ i’m alive. I should appreciate my time, I should enjoy life, (…) all i have to do is face my fear, I should jump off a cliff, I should not be scared about the chaos around me, I should enlighten you and everyone around me, I shall put my effort in this, I shall survive you’ll see: the time is here”

I didnt’ remember that the light stuff had begun since then.. gee.

other stuff

I should be crazy, I should be crazy to keep this way, I should be hopeless that way I wouldn’t suffer, I should stop caring and find my soul, I can’t live out of air but my heart would be fulfilled out there. Don’t believe in liers, don’t believe at all. Please stay pure, stay ignorant, stay alive just to ‘find yourself  yeah the rest of that is about finding and enlightening and having no more burdens of life and no tears.

Think fast, don’t deny your deepest and strangest thoughts, no one will read this soon, not in this lifetime. So what are you waiting for? Let yourself be a part of the crazy a part of the living not controlled life. I need guts, I need self liberation, I need a deep change in my life. Whatever it happens let me know, you have to be there to stand out for what you want, dont’ let drearyness attack you, be insane, be creative, be! Sometimes it’s hard to wake up in the morning, it’s hard to be sure that you still want to keep on going with no aim foretold. Let’s give it a shot, we’ll all die someday anyway. Be sure to keep it going, “

Well as you can see i talked to myself in this writings.. the ‘you’ are me in a way.. as if diary wrote that to me. well. yeah

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place myself a ‘reason of this world’ to keep living and not accepting and allowing me to simply exist within and as the breath of life because of me thinking that I had to live up for something else outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being crazy and out of this world person because that was the only way I saw I could be ‘out of the system’ and be not like everyone else, not realizing that I am one and equal with everyone in this world, I am one.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed  myself to hesitate on keeping up living just because of not finding a ‘reason’ to keep living

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as a depressive tormented person experiencing the anguish of the world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to despise people who apparently ‘can’t stand seeing suffering’ because they get ‘hurt’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise myself for being blindfolded before not seeing the reality in this world as much as I do know and staying with the usual suffering human beings experience in their own lives, not seeing the ‘bigger picture’ of this world.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear the animal kingdom in fear of being attacked by them

Listen  everyone: you need to write more!”  I need to order a pen and a great life to do that. I need to live more, just as I need a good black inked pen. Life is ordinary but we’re able to make it ‘less ordinary’. The way I think many people do too. Arriving to a world of fallen dreams and utopias is less ordinary. (..:) Confusion makes the world a better insecure place. And I know you’ll have to suffer and I know there’s no other way for that but try to live and escape your reality, escape what you thought was right” 05

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I needed an ‘interesting life’ to write about

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that in order to write I would need no ordinary life therefore, creating me all these sufferings and situations to have something to write about

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that we all existed within and as confusion and disgrace, not realizing that the mind is the only thing that creates it all in this world. That says it all

Ok as a fun fact old remain of me: this is one of my ‘sins’ written back then “Today I committed a sin… I went to some bar, heard the band rehearse and drank beer and we didn’t pay for it all, we went out without paying like real robbers just because the band invited to leave with them… ” To this day I recall doing that a second time in different place, all for the sake of rush of paying no beers… I had this thing with beers, glad I don’t drink anymore….  water is my whole.

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

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