These days arising much stuff about the defined me as being ‘smart’ or ‘intelligent’ or all that entails any kind of apparent ‘good’ stuff as qualities I perceived in me, and that I even asked if I could ‘keep them’ in order to be effective in self direction
I realized, there’s no need to be smart or intelligent or any of past definitions as they exist in polarity manifestations. Why wasn’t I able to see ? doesn’t matter. The deal is here, and after watching Marduk’s 5th interview, great stuff really. About embracing darkness and how to specifically release yourself first from the perceived ‘positive’ points within you because it doesn’t really exist and it was merely created to hide what is here as the real darkness within. So by peeling off the ‘positive layers’ within and then getting to darkness -seeing the ugly, the ghastly, the messed up side- then we’ll be able to really see us. He warns: ‘it will be tough, it will be difficult but If I had done it, so can you’ So, yes, then it isn’t impossible at all considering the size of egos of these beings. One and equal to us, specially marduk as being the ‘smart ass creator-engineer’ of the 4. Lol in a way that’s why I ‘identified’ with Marduk, when he talked about creativity and stuff.
Ok just got opened up a point, well many today, but the smart thing that goes along with the intelligent stuff I had been writing about.
Smart. This is what it all boils down to, being perceived by that as ‘being effective’ though, I wear the suit and wear it ‘proudly’ though not with the desire to be defined as smart/intelligent anymore, no, please not again…. I’m here to get rid of all of that crap polarity in which I have existed all life… so I definitely know when someone is having some sort of ‘confrontation’ with me for what I may say. The deal is, some still take it too serious as if they do really have to defend their point, lol, when there’s nothing to really defend but self as one and equal here, and that it’s not even to defend but to stand up to. Simple as that.
I went into chat to get perspective on doing the symbol paintings etc, was cool getting perspectives from others, it’s always cool doing this because I can usually bring out certain ‘solutions’ so it’s cool to see what being really open to all alternatives is about.. Though, conversation got diverted to art -when point wasn’t about me painting /art specifically – and so I noticed how some react towards it… that I may be creating something inside them on purpose, lol. Deedra even pointed that it could create jealousy and something else I don’t remember. Well, not my intention, Not at all, merely sharing. But yes, in the end, as we had concluded, I am doing the paintings, and not separation… actually while painting I was like hmm yeah such a drama thing for doing this, it’s just lines and colors that’s it, I was actually giving the whole situation ‘power’ by wondering too much about it, by procrastinating doing it.
It’s very cool when you move yourself, standing up in really ‘small’ situations that make you see the point clear after you’ve ‘wondered’ about it.
I asked father about his parents, because I never met them. So father wanted to only point out what was ‘cool’ about his father: clean, had everything in order, hard worker, etc. Grandmother: creative, she was a teacher. lol he was merely trying to show me where I’d gotten that stuff from, but I said, ok, yes I can see the ‘positive’ in me but, i want to know about the ‘negative’ stuff, and so dad said that his father hit his mother, this was big deal for him to say, but he did it. Also talked about how he was violent and very angry, also his mother was quite ‘explosive’ at times, so I said, cool! see that’s what I need to know.
Why I need to know? because I am them, I am their bloodline, not to be defined by it, but it’s to know what lies beneath to see myself here as what exists in me and I might be suppressing it at the moment. Then, mother started saying how awkward she felt first times she went to father’s house while they were boyfriends. As my mother began telling her experience I could see much of her within me, the fear of judgment, the desire to getting all the attention, fear of ‘not fitting in’ etc etc. Was actually cool. Also another point within mother is that she claims to be strong, to not being able to be ‘hurt’ by anyone, but in fact, she hides in her positive makes of what actually exists as negative pole inside her, and this certainly creates much inner conflict in here because she decided to change topic drastically. So I had just watched Marduk’s interview and that’s why I got to as that to them, and so I realized and proofed right there how this positive as mask to hide the ‘negative’ exists for. Great point, though, I saw much fear within parents by remembering this, accessing their memories of uncomfortable life experiences, was cool to open up points in there at the moment. Then father behaved like a little child and so, I also saw some of my ‘awkward’ behaviour patterns in that as well. lol, he’s quite a someone.
SO moved through my own resistances today as making those paintings, well one is almost done, the other one maybe tomorrow. Also realized more points on how others perceive me currently so to face points within me.
Marduk’s video changed my perspective, so I will go through positive stuff to release first, because I was desiring to ‘keep some’ for self directive purposes, what a mf this is, lol. Anyways, it’s never late to realize and so, smart is first one. As I wrote in that words thread in OF, being defined by that is only another way of ‘selling yourself’ on to others, to be perceived in a ‘higher level’ or something, what lies beneath is: the desire of recognition, maybe.. what entails wanting to’ make a point’.. to only be heard or to stand up for yourself as all? well I perceive me doing the latter but I will be the only one testing myself in this to see what really is behind it all.
Also cool to know that dishonesty, its end is here. very cool, that’s like ‘ a dream come true’ lol doesn’t matter what I have to lose in my own still existent self dishonesty, but I’m definitely up for it… no more lies, no more deception towards another… ahh it is like clear breeze it seems.
Ok so the point of this, is, I’m not trying to justify myself or my application, jsut seeing past definitions as who i was throughout life in school, for example, for all the reasons I’ve explained… direction finger just popped.
For now I’ll leave it here, SF on these points later.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the idea/belief/perception of me being a smart person
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that I am a smart person
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define me as smart from the starting point of being effective in and as the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having desired keeping what exists as me as being smart’ thinking it would be something or practical application as one and equal
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that smart exists as polarity manifestation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word ‘smart’ and relating it into art.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word smart immediately linking it to a part of who I perceive myself to be, instead of realizing this is personality suit as designed and preprogrammed within me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as beliefs and perceptions that being smart is practical thing in this world, not realizing it merely states mind activity and procedures that aren’t expressed in oneness and equality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to how I perceived me to be smart as the past experienced in school
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow myself to be defined as a smart person coming from others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having used the smart suit all of my life, thinking, believing and perceiving I had the ‘answer’ to it all
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see this is part of Ego construction which I was trying to justify in means of oneness and equality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the word smart has been ingrained throughout my life defining and constricting my experience, instead of being here as self, not challenging myself within the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to challenge myself from a mind’s perspective
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to defend a point in means of establishing ‘what’s best for all’ instead of allowing self to realize self by itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as being a smart ass
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation that may arise from this point
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt in my application towards this point considering it as a ‘quality’ that could be kept in order to self direct in oneness and equality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to challenge the mind of others, instead of making them see as me here, self honesty in every moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use mind capacities to enhance a superiority construct within me that isn’t me at all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get back to the superior/inferior construct without being aware of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go ‘unaware’ of what really lies behind the words I speak before I speak/write
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate the writing of this self forgiveness at the moment