So today I faced another person in my world from the past. My ex bf. He contacted me yesterday sayign that he wanted to give me something before I leave. So I agreed. And so I went there at 1:30 pm and went with my bike. Before getting there I kind of feared reactivating my desires or ‘feelings’ for him the moment I’d saw him again. But at same time, I was very stable and knowing that no, I wouldn’t waver this time around.
And so it happened. . . he gave me one of his writings and one sea shell thing that is like in a form of infinite, interesting formation really, but… yeah…. I’ve noticed from yesterday with that friend and today with G that it’s all about how I am within myself that the situation changes… when we said hi he wanted to hold me just like before but I didn’t kind of allowed it, I placed a ‘barrier’ in a way, not even resisting or fearing contact, but because I merely wanted to meet with him to speak if I had to say something. It was cool seeing how it developed, from him telling me where he’d gone to take his mushrooms and hallucination trips and wanting to ‘become a shaman’ to me telling him that we’ve got lots of responsibility here to face what is here. Fuck, lol, I totally dismantled his dream and the cool thing about G is that he’s always been very common sensed guy, so this time, he refrained from any turn around to words and listened and agreed… I even noticed how he began watching out his words because I could pin point where he was judging and creating separation and so, he remained in silence. Was cool sharing with him this time, because I had no wavering inside me towards sharing the information and also because this time he actually listened and completely understood. And while I watched him also in the eyes the whole time, really no memories from past times, he was just another me with me there… didn’t feel uncomfortable either, just in moments at the beginning when he would be talking about his ‘trips’ and all that crap. First thing I said is: what are you desiring or wanting by wanting to be a shaman? lol it’s just another personality suit, realize, all is here, and all you get from that is in your mind, nothing else, therefore not real. The moment you are still in the human physical body, all that you experience is an experience of the mind, therefore not real and you’re really going nowhere. So he immediately understood.
Very cool experience talking with him, really, I can’t lie, lol I’ve never been ‘good at lying’ and really, no fuicking wavering inside me at all whatsoever… and I think that even if the opportunity had arisen, I wouldn’t have indulged into it which is very cool. I stood there for about an hour of sharing lots of stuff that made him really see how all that we are here is creating our reality as all as one, therefore we are the ones responsible for it all, and yeah, he was in complete awe. He was quiet, not trying to defend any point or anything like that. Really it was cool to make another me OPEN EYES from deception, I’m sure I’ll certainly leave him considering and reconsidering his current situation. We spoke about how we see, about no hope, about no waiting, about not trying to ‘do’ something else but completely stop it all!
So at the end I said, well I’ve said all I had to say and I am leaving. He agreed, he said Oh you leave me with inner peace, I said lol! no no light no peace no nothing, just BE here! and that was it… I had no feeling while being in front of him seeing him, and saying goodbye to him. No fluctuation inside and he was one of ‘the man’ in my life. Ah well… cool, in less than two weeks I’ve faced people in my life again and there’s certainly a big change towards them which is cool, very cool. And also, allows me to be free because in past months I would still be severly moved and seduced in a way by G, this time, nope. I guess he also saw how I’m much more ‘focused’ and not wavering as the ‘nice flirticious’ girl I was with him. No more bullshit to get him to still want me or desire me in any way… the other way around, treated him one and equal all time.
Also cool thing, today my friend Y. today contacted me through msn and told me that today he’d broken up with his boyfriend and that this time, there was no going back, that all that I had spoke with him had made him see and that he has realized how much he has existed for another one and not for himself, and he seemed quite ‘happy’ at a point for finally doing it. I told him to just enjoy himself ‘alone’ and to start writing and applying and he says he will, which is cool, finally after months and months of looping himself in a relationship that ended and began few times, finally is done. So…. in a way I see how what I speak may affect other’s lives and what’s best to know is that it is what’s best for all as one as equal.
The final outcome of both events of finally speaking with no hesitation and no wavering with two of the ‘important’ people in my life, is that they both understood, they both this time ‘got it’ So this means that I also have placed the knowledge and information as me, I’ve cleared my expression to make it all as clear as possible and not allow any concept to define and create a possibility for controversy or anything like that. Simplicity is the key. Really it’s cool when one is able to clear people from ingrained mindfucks, specially the people I used to relate to: sociologists, writers, philosophers lol the list goes on, all existing in theories and yeah, mindfucks that wouldn’t allow them to be and see what is here, that’s it.
Though before that and after I wallowed in my own created sort of depression or sadness, yep I clearly saw how thoughts compound and compound until I literally said STOP!! and forced myself to stand up and come to pc and write. I even fell asleep… I don’t know why… fuick I bet it’s all period stuff but I’ve already written SF for this and yeah I’ll just stop defining myself according to the experience of myself while having period. And stop complaining about what I have to go through though, I fear being ‘punishing’ myself in a way, but fuick. There’s no way out marlen, stop it! there’s no other way.
So that’s it. I’m ‘clear’ at the moment, it’s very early and I’m sort of ‘sleepy’ uhm, I regret having lost time in wallowing
I regret not having done all that I wanted and stopping and limiting myself because of having period. .fuick. Also it was cool talking to Leila again, don’t know I’m kind of sensitive and I realized I missed talking with her .. oh gee, some tears are coming out at the moment. Well it’s been quite heavy this weekend… fuick. I see… also i see how cool is being able to talk with another one that is going through the same awareness as me and in similar age and situation, so thank you Leila.
Talking about the reality of this world communicating it with someone else of my past, in my language and knowing how the words I speak will affect me and another and all, is heavy, complete awareness of what’s being said and wording it all out also it’s now here, as I speak and not anymore only stuff I type but it also is like the creating of awareness within me as I share. And so , it feels more ‘real’ in a way. Here, there’s no other way, and no matter what I stand.
there’s no place for hope, no place for dream, no place to hide, no place to run, no place for wishing and desiring for a change for I am able to direct me
no bonding with another not feel alone, no more relationships, no more self identification, no more definitions, no more separation
how much I took for granted in this world, how much I’ve taken for granted.
So that’s the way it is. Ok cool at the moment. I’m done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to place a sad face expression without noticing and being aware of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fully crying
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist crying
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen crying by family
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my tears of relief
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret losing my ‘time’ this day by wallowing and being depressed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive I missed Leila not realizing that I am one and equal with leila therefor, not able to miss her
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create separation by creating a ‘bond’ with Leila, not realizing that we are one and equal and sharing process that’s it. no relationship in any way whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become ‘sensitive’ by perceiving I become this while I’m going through period and during certain specific moments.
OK this is it
certainly, a long way to go, though I define and determine my experience through it all