future and white light crap

Fortune tellers, trust in god/art

I decided to open up a box containing stuff that apparently I keep for odd reasons like museum tickets, concert tickets, the art work tags for exhibitions I’ve been in, some stuff I used to wear and one letter that ex boyfriend gave me before leaving to live here in mexico city. It really was surprising seeing how he summed up our relationships in various details. While I read I experienced no feeling /movement except when I read the part when I used to wear specific clothes to be liked by him – because that would mean we would have sex or something – The deal is something I read that I had forgotten. I used to go to psychics to get tarot cards read and I I had gone at that time because I wanted to know how would it be in Mexico City, how I would experience myself in art, if it would work etc. And I am now remembering that they had told me that I would soon ‘doubt about art’ and I remember reacting like ‘WTF? how come? Art is MY life!’ and he writes about it, that me doubting about art would be like doubting about god, LOL! OH then certainly I can, absolutely. no doubt about it. ANd this is sort of  – maybe – I suppressed this to not realize that I wasn’t going to end up doing this and this is curiosly linked to another idea that has been revolving around my head about another tarot reading where they told me that I would end up WRITING. Just like that, I remember going again, wtf? because I had dropped out of literature (which I related intricatelywith ‘writing) and I wanted to go to study art so I went like.. hmm that isn’t too good.

So the point is, I see how my curiosity of the mind towards knowing the future got me through merely mind worries and concerns because of not being able to know the reasons of why I would soon forget about art, or why I would end up writing  – Also last card reading I got which was more than a year ago she only could say that MANY changes would come and couldn’t go further than that. Interesting. So this also is connected to the desire to know the future, to have a certainty of what’s going to happen, that exists within me and has been quite ingrained within me since I was a little girl as well. Always wanting to know what will be the next day and the next day after the next day, etc. Useless, as we only have the moment, here, and I definitely see how I am doubting of art and how I see it as not what I want to do, but I’ll go through it I mean, yes that rant is over.

so future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for existing within and as curiosity of what’s going to happen in future moments not realizing that I don’t even ‘own’ the next moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being in control by knowing the future so I would know that I won’t ‘fuck it all up’ or make a ‘wrong decision’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making wrong decisions or ‘messing it all up’ in some point in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a future wonderer instead of living here as the moment, as the breath here and not allowing me to delve into curiosity of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for existing within and as curiosity of the mind and therefore, being concerned and worried about what future had for me never realizing, I have not bought my future in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feed the curiosity of the mind towards the future by going to get tarot read and wanting to know the future and what it awaited for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be curiose about the future and wanting to know how I would develop in my life path in a future moment instead of just living the moment and allow myself to walk through life breath by breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place trust on tarot /snail or any other kind of fortune teller reading because of me thinking, believing and perceiving that they said the ‘right stuff’

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to doubt of myself and therefore, seek validation and a desire to build up self trust by having cards or fortune read in order to ‘make sure’ I was going through the right path

I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to the occult, to the fortune telling and the ‘magic’ side of life, not realizing this was merely preprogrammed in my system to be and become who I was supposed to be and become

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow those ‘instincts’ as wanting to know my future and therefore, going to a fortune teller person to know what I would experience in future moment in life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be affected by what I was told by fortune tellers not realizing that they could’ve merely instigated fear in myself as well instead of creating trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being in ‘control’ of my future by knowing what I would do, how I would be and how my life would develop throughout my life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel curious about the moment of my death and how it would develop, at what age etc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe to that snail reader that I would develop a sickness in femenine sexual organs because of resentment/hatred and regret developed towards mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that I needed another one with apparent ‘powers’ to see my life and see my future to tell me where i was ‘wrong’ and where I had fucked up in my life, instead of seeing me for me and realizing me by seeing my life and my past and cleraing myself up from those thoughts/feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instigate others to go have ‘readings’ in order to know their future and be tranquil about it

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to support white light deceiving systems as fortune tellers that would only support the enslavement of this world by creating hope and waiting for a certian moment in the future to bring that which one waited for so long, instead of merely living in the moment

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to consider a fortune teller’s advices in order to guide my life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to consider what a fortune teller told me to make decisions in my life, because of having apparent validations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was able to control my future in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire being ‘sure’ of what the future would bring me, not realizing that this only entailed fear of failure, fear of death

I forgive mysef that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing, meaning, fear making the ‘wrong’ decisions in my life instead of realizing I take self responsibility for all that I created, for all that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as myself as here

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear ever doubting about art, therefore, repressing and suppressing those thoughts inside me because of fearing the ‘loss’ of art as my ‘god’

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think of art as my god

i forgive mysel fhtat I ever accepted and allowed myself to apparently have my ‘truths’ that were outside/separate from who i really am and therefore, placing my directive principle in manifestations that weren’t me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react at the moment by seeing the clock and seeing 11:11 deceiving program

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever accetp and allow myself to be obsessed with numbers and therefore

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that numbers in clock meant something

I forgive mysel that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire creating ‘key moment’s in my life which lead me to where i am at the moment

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go seeking for ‘truths’ outside in separation of myself

I forgive mysefl that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ever think believe or percieve that the numbers as time had a meaning, and were a sign for me to ‘wake up’ and realize about god

I forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowed myself to place trust as myself and therefore allow me to be defined by art, to be defined by that which I ‘created’ as art

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as as a curiosity of the mind towards knowing how I would do in ‘art world’ after deciding to study art

I forgive myself that  I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being sure of my life in every moment, to be sure of the next future moment in order to ‘be right’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to fear screwing myself up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being doing the ‘right thing’ in the past because of always wanting to be in control of the future

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place trust in a non existent god

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ask ‘god’ or ‘god’s helpers’ for help towards my personal situation

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘lucky’ by having gnostic and esoteric knowledge and therefore, knowing that I could get o know my future and be tranquil about it

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place trust in gnosticism and esoterism never realizing what they really entailed

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be guided by the white light my entire life either through spiritualists, gnosticism or esoteric experiences and knowldege

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to consdier psychics as ‘gifted’ people never realizing that they were specific programs created to keep humans entertained wondering about a future moment in life where they could achieve or ‘be’ what they wanted to be

I Forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel silly for falling in future curiosity of the mind, instead of accepting and allowing me to be here at the moment, no matter what, no fear

I forgive myself that I didn’t accept and allow me to see that the starting point of consulting a fortune teller was fear of being wrong, fear of failiure, fear of loss, fear of getting ill, fear of death ultimately

I forgive myself that I ever encouraged others to see ‘god’ in manifestations such as available knowledge on esoterism and gnosticism

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to wonder what was god and the son of god and jesus altogether

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed mysefl to feel curious about the bible

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being a catholic and making the first communion because of everyone else being so at the school I was in in junior high and highschool

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to react in anger and frustration because of knowing how people are going to get married in churches and going to pay to that institution a great amount of money for doing so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and percieve that god had to exist because it was stupid that we were the only ones in this earth, lol how innocent I was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘innocense’ as a justification for having swallowed the god trait, never realizing it was mere deception to keep us all enslaved to a ‘higher force, higher being’ that would guide and care for us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire existin in security of myself as being ‘certan’ of the future moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that certainty and control over the future would be the ‘way to go’ in my life, instead of living here as the breath in every moment, no picutres, no thoughts on future that I ‘own’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by existin within and as the idea of something superior than me, i was merely suppressing myself and defining me according to who i believed and perceived mysefl to be according to the mind

I forgiv emyself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to stick to the illusion of the mind and its traits in order to keep me enslaved and wondering about a future moment where -everything would be just fine! –

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that I was special and that daeth or the ‘dark side’ could not touch me in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘special’ as being protected by ‘higher beings’ because of the ‘spirtiualism contacts’ we had in family

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe that the bubbles in glasses of water meant the presence in spirit of guides or angels or god itself.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get baths with certain powders and liquorish and flowers because of a santeria cleansing bath I got recommeded to do

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and percieve that this could actually be effective.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ‘make a wish’ and think that It would be done just by asking for it

I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to desire stopping world hunger and suffering just by making a wish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perciev ethat those that starved to death ‘deserved it’ because of past lives having been ‘mean people’ this is unacceptable bullshit

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed mysefl to exist in separation of myself as who I really am by believing in laws of ‘karma’ and reincarnation as ‘justice’ applied to those that hadn’t been ‘good’ in past lives

I forgive myself tha tI accepted these laws of ‘karma’ as the ‘right thing’ as a ‘divine justice system’

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that nothing could go wrong, therefore

I forgive mysefl that I accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that a ‘god’ would not allow earth and life to be destroyed for ever

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed mysefl to place trust and value to my trust in ‘god’

I forgive mysefl that I ever accepted and allowed myself to carry around a one dollar bill because of it containing the ‘all seeing eye’ never realizing what it actually meant

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed mysefl to make of my white light beliefs and knowledge as secret towards other people

I forgive myself that I Ever accepted and allowe dmysefl to make my own’ religion’ by taking knowledge and information from different sources in order to create ‘my own belief system’ taking what I liked and taking away what I didn’t like from religious doctrines and manifesatations

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe in jesus

I forgive myself that I ever ac cepted and allowed myself to have any kind of respect to the bible

I forgive myself that I ever accetped and allowed mysefl to consider a sacrilege ripping off the bible like marilyn manson did once

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed mysefl to believe that ‘holy water’ had powers

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to take and consider anything or anyone superior than me in any way whatsoever because of ‘white light powers’ that I sought to have

I forgive mysefl that I accepted and allowed myself to ever desire being or becoming someone with ‘supernatural’ powers that were linked to being a psychic or a white lighter

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I would be one of the ‘chosen ones’ to fight against ‘evil’ to ‘save the world’

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I am required or needed for specific reasons in this existence, never realizing, I am one and equal with all of existence, no superiority, no inferiority at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever desire being able to read the future to people to ‘suppor them’ in their lives and make their life a ‘better way’ instead of realizing that I wasn’t even supporting myself in first place

I forgive myself that I evera ccepted and allowed mysefl to think, believe and perceive that knowing the future would make your life easier by knowing what to do and what not to do, instead of unconditionally express and live myself here in every moment as the breath

Ok none of this exists anymore at the moment in me, just making sure all the garbage as past definitions and experiences go outside because, oh boy, we’ve just discovered one rotten thread within me. I’m sure more will pop up later.

____________________________________________________________________________________

August 28, 2008, 23:29

Well impulse came again and I’m back here to parent’s house home city whatever. Lol I just wanted to experience myself with Shakti and being able to ride bike tomorrow early morning to see how the sun rises. Ahhh .. bliss . Really I don’t know why the sky is such a big deal AOH I stop, this is also loop – praising the skyy

Ok so I rarely go out into the city on weekdays at ‘out of work’ time and I did it to transport myself here. Filled city, flooded streets with cars going slowly one after the other, never ending – kids in the metro just wanting to get home, feeling desperate, babies crying, men and woman out of their 8 hour jobs just tired, wanting to go home but still having to go through a more than hour or even 2 hour way home with filled buses, cars, metro, train any transport system. I see, i oberve everyone… some go by their life creating their nice moments by being with someone they apparently like, doing something they ‘enjoy, but most of people just got this sad face, this sadness and tiredness expressing in all of themselves… I remember one of the first things I noticed whenever I started going to mexico city with some past friends to go to museums etc, I would go in the metro and see everyone’s faces like, really, their expression as ‘I am going through hell’ suffering, sadness, tiredness, pain, all that all around. I took it as a very depressive thing to experience though, I don’t know why I so much desired going there. Ah yes, because it’s the city that ‘has it all’ it’s huge, it’s a bitch really. You get many good points but you get equally or more bad points, and I’m talking about reality  – not merely polarity manifestations through my perception – and what I wanted back then doesn’t make sense to me at the moment. I cannot be happy in a place where the shortest trip takes me half an hour and going through much traffic and polluted air. Oh dear. oh deer – lol like hansie today

I was in bus on my way to the highway and I would see all the people going in the bus to their houses, all those cars with just a single person inside – polarities everywhere, people barely able to breath inside buses and then you have, along the same way, cars all kinds of cars irrelevant, with only one person inside. I’m sure that many go to same destination. really, I always wondered about that, why can’t this word jsut be like that like giving each other support and rides etc, oh no that would be impossible in that city, completely, you cannot trust anything or anyone there. Well, this applies to everything besides only that city but really, I would analyze very much every single person’s expression while being amongst them. The thing is, whenever I rode in a public transportation I would feel ‘the observer’ a ‘separate’ from it, wow, this is just coming up because then i would go inside my mind like: oh dear, these people having to go through this, I go through this because I want, because I enjoy the experience because… my parents or sisters could give me a ride yes, I am able to get a ride in car, yes, i choose to be here. Really? I wonder If I dared to drive If I would still be using public transportation and I am not discriminating or separating myself, nope not at all. I still enjoy it whenever there’s enough space an air to breathe, lol. I enjoy being sitting amonst all kinds of people etc, but ah deer, whenever i just gets soo filled up, not pleasant anymore like today. Train wasn’t so filled up but I felt the clausterphobic experience a bit. .. then on bus one hmm not so cool man sat next to me because fuick I don’t know men get horny or whatever in buses and I felt so very uncomfortable and I actually wrote self forgiveness at the moent and when the bus movement didn’t allow me to keep writing, I started whispering self forgivess to stop my mind because, gee it wasn’t a pleasant experience and I know my deal, all I know is direct experience created by self forgiveness points coming back at me so, cool. Breathed through it and watched a ‘movie’ sort of.

I arrive here and find out that mother has been feeling pains all over as if it was stomach infection but nope, i smell system manifestations compounding after one day of walking the whole time just to go shopping for my sister’s wedding dress. Well they choose to to that so, yeah I explained that she’s suppressing much and well… mother is already telling her friends that I’m ‘studying and preparing’ myself ot assist and support people lol! one of her friends – pretty much a person that would cry for jesus christ kind of woman  lol – she told her ‘oh! I always knew i! that girl is special! she’s an Illuminated !’ LOL! I bursted out laughing at the moment and I just said lol! they all have to know this haha we can laugh together and so I said mother, lol! if they knew we trash and bash lightworkers and christ consciousnessers– but cool I asked mother if she had been writing she said yes, and I said: forgiveness? or only writing? – she said she’s been writing forgiveness … wow. finally. after so long, she’s doing it cool so. .. She says it’s difficult to stop the mind! etc what we always get from recent process beginners and etc.. I explained is a PROCESS.

Also on ‘family news’ the oldest sister  -whose wedding is programme for next year –  she has to get married by law soon very soon because of needing the social contract for a loan to get a house. Oops I already warned her about not getting any kind of debts etc, but that’s up to her.

I am certainly a little bashed about the trip, and more because I was a bit tensed up by having an uncomfortable seat partner next to me so I could just relax and sleep so… I require to do so at the moment.

Enjoyed the day talking and chatting a bit as well, haven’t done that in a while. Music memories also popped up and I will be placing my effort on this. writing and applying, how I enjoy! lol

well thanks see you

About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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