a little bit…

ok so my current situation with roommate former friend is just worsening. I mean, till this hour I haven’t seen her in the face. Yes, this is true. When I go out she’s in her room, when she goes out I’m in my room, and so I get here and she isn’t here and so… yes basically that. And I heard she was like already spending too much time in the shower and I just had to tell her. So I did, I told her to ‘cut the water already’ and that was it. I really could hear that she was just ‘splashing’ with the water. Why? well, she enjoys getting high before showers and she enjoys having her little trips in the shower though, not considering the waste of water at all. That is what pisses me off. I see her as a selfish being because she doesn’t take into consideration anything else than what is for her – not taking into consideration that she is living with me and that I had talked to her about taking responsibility for her acts and what she does here when I’m not home etc.

I pin pointed that part of my disgust to come here recently is having to live with her. I just don’t like it anymore, we aren’t even friends and as ‘flat mates’ isn’t going well at all. She’d told me months ago that she would leave in september, though I haven’t seen anything clear about it. I do seriously want her out though, I am just holding myself because she supports with paying the rent of course.  Anyways. That’s how it’s been with regards to that

And also tuesdays, geez I placed theory classes today and there’s only one I enjoy and this teacher is like encouraging a lot of knowledge, it is quite useful yes… so let’ say I kind of enjoy that one. Other two nah nope at all. Well the overall feeling is I feel like wasting myself and my time there and every moment I just remember: you placed yourself here, you wanted to come here to study this, and now you back away?
Yep, I never fully took into consideration what it implied. Or maybe I did but in that moment I just had a completely different frame of mind. Really what was I thinking when I saw mexico city as cool? lol well certainly just because ‘it has it all’ though to move around here I require like half of a day to go to one single place and dealing with stuff.. not even being able to breath ‘pure air’ well, let’s not say pure but decent. When and why did I saw mexico city as the city I would like to live in even after school? I had desires to be famous, I wanted to be ‘someone’ because I apparently wasn’t anyone, lol. And I thought of myself as creative though that ‘creativity’ has showered down because I saw only self centered interest -myself as a selfish being with that. That’s what I would call professional self enlightenment. Meaning – yes I am the only one wanting to be ‘good’ at stuff, and I want to be ‘the one’ that is famous, and ‘the one’ that achieves it. etc, etc, ect. And my life pretty much ran that way and funny how the system supports those attitudes of competing against another to ‘be the best’. . . now…….. not intrested at all.

Today we were talking about the art business- selling circuit and I just thought: hmm seriously, I didn’t want to get to this point.

I see that all my life I had been only seein ‘the bright side’ and never wanting to actually face the real consequences and the REAL that entailed studying this. I mean, I knew it! I knew I would be entering a freaking academy and that i deeply didn’t want that, but as I’ve mentioned, I saw it as an opportunity to get out of home and be ‘independent’ and all… Certainly it ‘helped’ but I don’t fully support myself.

Let’s say ok I “finish school” then what… I don’t have the desires to go meet people for them to get intereseted in my  work…ah fuckwell  who knows, I might even have to .. as this merely shows I am limiting myself…. but so I am limiting my experssion at the moment
And all I might deem as ‘something I would never do’ I might as well just end up doing .

I’ve been pondering a lot my experience in both carreers I’ve been in. From the school, teachers and classmates that created my experience there. Well I see that it was no different, though perspective has changed indeed from that time when I wanted to be an ‘intellectual’ to the moment I shifted into art school and ‘wanted to be an artist’ till today when I just want to BE and feel kind of stupid by being there.

What I enjoy at school is the creative process of images I’ve seen. I just had to be at the right place to feel comfortable… but I just enjoy the creative moment because when I try to find a purpose for that image being created it all loses meaning…
The talks of art and money and selling just bother me to the core. Why ? Because I don’t want to sell what I do as chips…. though, duH! that’s what art is, a product for ‘rich people’ who like to have things of value according to a legitimate process of placing value and worth to something according to the market of art. Yes, of course, it works just like any other thing -system.

Welly well. Also I’ve been quite sleepymore than ever, I mean I slept until 6 woke up drank tea, made juice, went back to bed and tried to read and fell asleep. And same happened last night and it’s not even 11 pm. What is wrong? what is going on?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by a desire to sleep and by the feeling of being tired instead of directing me in every single moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist within and as desperation because of not wanting to live with A. anymore at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by A’s pressence here at the house therefore, not experssing myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for making A the reason of me not being happy in getting here every monday, isntead of realizing it is all about me and my experience within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed m yself to be constantly and continuously creating of this a ‘problem’ and just desiring her to move out as soon as possible


About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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