Part #120 all that could’ve been and never was

This is special weekend edition to end up with my own created misery on yearning and wondering on the same and infamous A. lol

Relationships past -part  120 lol

I lived in fear wanting to keep that particular person by my side, fearing that anytime he’d go out and meet new people, he’d meet someone who he’d like better than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant and continuous fear that A would leave me for another girl because of me not being ‘up to his expectations’ or not being ‘good enough’ for him and therefore, experiencing myself as being ‘defeated’ by another one

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live constantly and continuously thinking that I’m not ‘good enough’ not ‘pretty enough’ for someone to like me, therefore, wanting to keep and make partners stay by giving them all of myself to them, to convince them that I am ‘worthy’ and that I am ‘good for them’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having considering myself as inferior to other girls I deemed as pretty and having a perfect body fearing that they might be of A’s taste, therefore, him leaving me for them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant and continuous fear and anxiety whenever A said: I met someone yesterday

Yes he used to tell me everything, he was quite open with his life. We weren’t in a relationship so I was his confident lol confident ha ha well. Yes so whenever he would say: I met someone, and I liked her very much. My guts were just like falling apart, don’t know that awkward feeling and I would just say Oh you did? and so he would go on explaining what is she like physically and how that person was completely open and fun and whatnot and how he kissed her etc.. my ears would be so broken every time that happened.

my heart was soo broken  – lol like that bjork song.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get my heart broken, feeling my heart broken whenever A said that he’d met someone and that he’d liked that girl/someone very much

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always fear losing him for that girl he just met

Well usually this ‘amazing encounters’ wouldn’t last, they actually never lasted. While I was with him I saw him going in and out of meeting up with girls but he eventually got bored or the girls would just not call back again. He was the epitome of rollercoaster love, meaning he would go all excited and happy and saying: this is the one! yes! she’s fucking cool! and then after a few days of going out with the girl he would realize that girl wasn’t what he expected and went back into his sadness, lol. All I would every comply about within myself, and that I kept within and never actually told him, is that he went in and out searching looknif for someone to love and for someone to love him back, when in fact, I was there the whole time, with great sorrow and sadness because of his inability to see that I loved him. Fuck I truly loved him at that time, i would live for him. Of course loving from the mind perspective but I did accept him the way he was and he’s no fucking gold coin really, he’s quite an egotistical being and I liked him just the way he was, and he never could see that I loved him and that he had to look no further as I was there with him all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my own feelings towards A whenever I felt them in fear of him rejecting me right away or leaving me because of me being infatuated with him

He did recognize that I was the one that was always with him, as a friend, lover, colleague and whatnot but this was just after many months /years of having experienced what I just explained above. Really, how could I bare this for so long? How and why did I never stood up and said this is the deal I like you and please don’t go telling me about your affairs. Well actually I did this on september last year and my heart got double broken because.. he said that he didn’t feel the same way and that if he didn’t tell me about the girls he met then he would have NO one to talk with. So basically we were hurting each other constantly. I was too fucking close with him, I barely talked in fear of making him angry and making him just cut the relationship and never speak to me again

What I realized today is that this uncertainty and anxiety and want to see him comes from the fact that I never was ME the real me with him, I hid to much out of fear of his reactions – he’s quite an explosive being’ therefore, I was the epitome of submission with him, being the loyal dog with him like, being with him no matter what, no matter if he’d dismissed me themoment his date would arrive etc, I would ‘understand’ I’d say, how fucked is that? Because I did understand, but what I did was suppressing my feelings of being hurt and harmed every time I’d saw him with another one, everytime he would tell me about this fantastic good looking cool girl he’d just met. THat happened a hundred of times. Even when we were together like after being kissing and fiddling with each other, right after it he’d began talking about this one girl that he couldn’t get his mind OFF and he’d just start talking about a girl and I was just pushed into accepting the fact that yes, I was his toy game and he never thought of me as someone he WAS with, but as something momentary, whatever.

There’s another thing I knew, that the moment that we would just end up, he probably would go bump his head in the wall after seeing how ‘unconditional’ I was with him, and how he just ruined it all by not allowing me to change my perspective in life. How fucked? ANd how fucked I am by being missing this relationship

I was sort of desperate since yesterday becuase I’m just tired of wanting to see him through my window, I’m just tired of  smiling just by seeing his light on at his window, I’m just tired of wanting to get a glimpse of him to know that he’s doing alright

He’s been the fucking pain in my life, ever. Desiring, wanting to be with him has become the very manifestation of myself not for only the time we were in a relationship (since we formerly became ‘friends’ which was december 2003) but even some … lol to sum up, it’s been like 12 years of my life creating this ideal concept of him in my life, wanting to be with him. Of course I always deemed it as impossible, as a thing that could not be because of how my parents disliked him, how everyone around me knew he was a menace to anyone and how he was much older than me. I deemed myself as petty for him, like he was ‘too much’ for me and that he’d go out with all this preety cool looking girls and so that he would never actually pay attention to me. To my surprise, he did and so the story began. I realize I also created this, the experience of myself with him and it has been as dragging as cool as anything else in my life experience. Though it’s been one of the key enslaving modes I’ve also existed as. No wonder about it. Having mind constantly and continuously running on the thought of him hasn’t been ‘nice’ at all. And this happened even at times when I was even in another relationship. I alwayws, when being with another ‘possible male with whom I could be in a relationship with’ compared the experience of myself with him to that of A. I used to talk about him with every male I met, I would tell the story of my broken heart and enjoyed while they all said: ah he’s stupid, ah he’s blind to see, ah this or that.  So. Let’s see.

The defition of myself within this relationship has been extensive, to the point where I’ve been 6 months apart of him and it feels like I just left him, like I can just fool myself by wanting to be with him again. what did he have that others didn’t have? what did he have that I wanted to be so badly and therefore, saw it only in him and decided to stick with him just for the sake of wanting a piece of him with me.

All that I believed him to be such as being secure, socially extroverted, self confident, cool, outgoing, talented, specific, practical, common sensed lol well this all broke down -some points more than others –  nearly at the end. why? Because I saw that he was hiding behind all those masks and he indeed was even the opposite of that. And another thing is that once I had him ‘secured’ for me, I realized how I was deceiving myself again and so, that’s when I left.

Honestly, why did I experience m yself as being ‘so good’ with him? BEcause we would fead each others ego, we would feel like the ever lasting couple who are open, who are able to see the world in the same way and who were this kind of ‘leaders’ that could guide others in their lives as well, lol not realizing the extent of fuckedup ness within ourselves. We went appart to face ourselves, this is what happened. We were defining ourselves towards each other, a lot and I started becoming more like him and he would become more like me as well, so in a way mixing personalities and so really tightening up the bond.

I know he’s having a tought ime without me, as much as I’m having that tough time as well. I know he probably/might could be also yearning to talk with me again. I wonder why it’s up until now that this A situation has gotten more heavy. Really. Couple of weeks ago he contacted me and said that he missed me, that he would often think about me, that he liked my new drawings and that was it, I just said thanks, cool, I see ah cool” and that was it. I didn’t say anything back because I didn’t felt anything at that time.

who am I trying to kid here?

At moments we would support each other and pointint out the shit in another and making it clear, though this didn’t happen so often either. If one would ask me for a challenge to be in agreement with would be him. But i see there’s too much history and we’ll probably won’t ever be together again to my mind’s disgrace.

I mean in the hipotethical situation of being together agian, it woudln’t be the same unless he would be willing to let go of his Ego and support himself in self honesty, i have no idea of how he’s doing towards this lately. ALL I know is that I miss hearing his music from far behind at least in my window, he hasn’t played, that is concerning me. He could’ve moved his stuff downstairs that’s why I don’t hear anything, or he could’ve gone to another room or whatever… or moved his guitar to another place where he goes now to play, dont’ know but it sure feels like death by not listening him. Not knowing that he’s still alive that way.

The other day that i saw him from far and that I’m sure he might’ve seen me as well I smiled, I smiled after seeing him walking in the street as always, wearing his same clothes though he indeed is quite skinny and greenish. How I would like to go to him and hug him and caress him and just be with him sleeping next to him like I used to .

When we slept a nap together in his bed, i would pretend I was asleep and just open my eyes to see him sleeping with his closed eyes and long eyelashes, peacefully, and I would make sure I got detail of every single frame I could take of him with my eyes, and I wondered if he did the same when I slept, which later I knew he did when he confessed his love to me.  Ah fuck I’ve suppressed this for so long !

THe moment he told me that I was the only person he wanted to be with I was already aware of desteni, I was beginning to understand that THIS particular relationship I had to give up as it was the one keeping me enslaved and bounded to consciousness. I even tried to ‘save’ the relationship placing him as an ‘important’ thing in my life and I remember Tala replying back to me and making a drug analogy lol which suited me very well at that moment and decided I had to let go. Yes, my ‘dream had come true’ he finally saying what he felt about me and him saying that he saw himself living with me etc and I just froze in that moment, knew that it wouldn’t be possible as I had discovered the truth behind existence. hard it was, yes and the A thing is so specific that the moment I left him I opened up my youtube account, I quit smoking weed and decided to not be dishonest with myself anymore and I did saw at that time he was the main ‘string attached’ that didnt’ allow me to completely be free.

So hey, see marlen, you’ve just nailed once again what you were missing all this time wanting to go back to enslavement eh. See how I realize that I was enslaved to that relationship and yet my mind is spinning around it as a need/want/ requirement to exist. Maybe i’m just close to finally giving up on him completely, meaning, forgetting all and releaseing myself completely from all memories attached to him. It IS a process, it’s been six months.

Well I wanted to keep this entry as personal but I see that this could assist others due to how I’ve just realized my mind is keeping me spinning around an idea, a concept of all that could’ve been and never was


About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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