So I was realizing how I’m allowing inferiority by fearing my parents still as authority within me. Fuck it’s absurd how I know this yet, I still fear them. I stick to their ‘curfew’ times and fear getting late to the house , why fear? where does this fear come from?
This comes specifically because of past experiences and fearing my parents as ‘authority’ within me as being able to decide for me. Specially mother being able to ‘ban’ anyone that she would consider not ‘good’ for me, not good to hang out with, not ‘good enough’ for me, her little princess.
First of all I would like to write about my current experience within this ‘re encounter’ with A. After that day when I cried and spoke out loud specific and in detail SF I felt this HUGE release within myself, I realized the separation and all the creation of this whole ‘relationship’ that actually never was but was all created and made and built within my head which in definitive was quite the greatest fuck up as I’ve realized that ALL I perceived, believed and thought to be within that particular relationship, was ALL me. It wasn’t even in his consideration what I though of considering, it never was THAT which I thought it was, to him it was never as ‘frustrating’ as it was for me, and all because of me still desiring and wanting him because of considering him this and that. So, once I , only I, this is the SPECIFIC part because now we know that NO ONE is responsible for what I experience but MYSELF. So In seeing: hey I actually created the whole fuck up in the first place, I’m able to simply STOP the ILLUSION and be one and equal to A. I see how I also was fucking it all up even more by resisting meeting him or seeing him and being avoiding etc. because it merely compounded and gave strength to the IDEA of who I thought and perceived A. to be, built around my THEN experience of myself with him.
Now that I’ve seen him lately I see there’s no freaking desire running, no need, no holding back, and it’s the other way around, I see stuff wanting to ‘come up again’ like wanting to ‘keep’ a certain image of myself around him, but I push and force myself to see and just express myself. It all has to do with expression and It’s great not being fearing or nervous or wanting to present myself a certain way around him. . . and I see that he had always been like that, just like how I feel at this moment towards him. He pointed out the situation with parents and said that he just wants me to be free. Well, beyond his ‘wants’ it’s true, I couldn’t have seen this point within myself as being stressing out over having to arrive at certain time to my house, stressing over having to lie about certain things, stressing because they ‘must not know’ that I’m seeing A again because of their concept and perception of him, which he really isn’t anymore and I see that A. merely represents the big ‘threat’ to them because of his lifestyle, meaning having an ‘abnormal’ job and being a musician and having free time etc AND being much older than me. But they only fear that because I ‘go back with him’ I’ll try to create my future around him or try to get into a relationship with him or something like that which I know it just isn’t it. I’m not interested at the moment in any relationship really. Being with him is cool but I enjoy myself very much and this is something that I hadn’t considered before when I merely existed for him. I am able to SEE now how I was the only one creating the major fuck up within myself with regards to my experience towards A. He always was quite ‘free’ of attachments. Yes he said he missed me while we were apart but he also ‘grew out’ some stuff that was hidden so it’s cool because we are both stable so we just see each other, do regular stuff and that’s it.
He also pointed out that I’ve been quite spoiled, that even comparing myself to my other ‘around the age’ cousins, I’ve been the most spoiled. And I completely recognize it. Certainly, I’ve ‘had’ almost everything I’ve wanted my whole life. I never was exigent with regards to getting money, but I did was QUITE specific when I wanted something BADLY, meaning for example: I want this camera and if it isn’t this camera I’m not taking it’. Or I want this particular clothes otherwise, I don’t want anything else’ and so I’d say that I didn’t ask for money per se, but I asked for specific stuff that certainly did COST money. And it seems that everyone around me is making me see how I get all I want from parents and they avoid any kind of suffering towards myself. WHY? because of their own particular experiences as NOT having such a comfortable life when they were studying and had my age. So their polarity reaction is, ‘doing the opposite of that which they experienced within their own lives’
This is something I was also discussing with my ‘friend’ Y. whom I saw yesterday and was like this BALL of anger when i met him and so I really made him see his own fuck up and creation within this. He was suffering from a broken and ‘3rd time attempted to mend’ relationship and how I made him see how he was giving too much of himself because he wanted to get the same stuff back. We dug together within this issue and it turned out that he felt that he didn’t have a ‘father figure’ so that ‘s why within his relationships he’s quite ‘paternal’ in making sure the other gets ‘all he deserves’, making sure the other gets’ all of himself to make him like him’ and in so trying to mend his parent relationship. QUITE systematic I’d say, the whole relationship fuck up pattern of wanting to make amends with the parents’ relationship. He then realized that he was the only one creating this suffering towards himself and so, he understood how imperative is for ALL of us to STOP these endless cycles of self inflictive pain as ‘suffering’ from a ‘broken heart’ and shit like that. I’m glad I could share my own particular-lived experienced within this with the example of A. how I created this big plastic illusion within my head of "who A. is" and "WHAT A. IS within my life" etc which have really very little to do with ‘anything outside of myself’ – it was mostly ALL created within me, the way I wanted to set things, the way I wanted to beLIEve things, and the way I wanted the things to ‘end up’, meaning the desire for power over a certain someone, the desire to belong to this someone, the desire to ‘want him love me as much as I love him’ which is absolutely the ultimate trap, false, illusion that we have to STOP for once and for all. We both, Y. and I, saw the absurdity within this and how we all tend to ‘fall’ in the same trap, as I said "we knit our own spiderweb’ and we fall in it once, and twice and thrice and I asked… "well how long are we going to stand this?’ It’s unbelievable the disguise of suffering through love etc. Just as I read in the forum that once we get past this things we only laugh at the absurdity. Like I see that day when I cried over memories with A. and the apparent LOVE which was merely mind fuck I see the absurdity and the need of fullfillment that I hadn’t accepted myself within as MYSELF! So I’ve just realized that no one is able to experiment in a foreign head, you have to go through it, stand up and move on because otherwise you might get trapped in your own spiderweb. Why do we still have ‘broken hearts’ if we know suffering is a fuck up? why do we still allow ourselves to go into anger, just as my friend Y. was because his partner decided to see someone else instead of him? how that desire of possesion and power over someone blinds us to really be free?. . . all system manifestations that isn’t really us and that only exist within the illusion of separation.
there you go, something to ‘reflect’ upon which absolutely needs to STOP to just be attachment free= being one and equal