It’s very weird all the coincidences that have happened today, MUCH related to Art. Well Duh that’s what I do, yes, but few times I realize where I am standing and being and studying at, also much to reflect upon art and my classes seem to be condensing in a way to push ourselves into building a foundation to what we do and our interest in certain topic or information. Oh well all I could think of is: oneness and equality – source : me as all, portal, desteni, here as all, beyond theories, beyond any other writers, thinkers, psychologists… how to explain what I am trying to say if I’m just getting around finding my own voice within art? Well, I sure got stuff to develop then. Trust myself
Today I had quite a frustrating day at times, it simply began with me breaking one bowl of my set of dishes, didn’t react but I certainly notice that these kind of situations come up when I’m up there in the head thinking of possible future events and how to handle it. not being HERE clearly… Then at workshop I had some minor troubles an felt as if I hadn’t done much though, it’s all because of me being used to ‘doing a lot’ in one single day which isn’t able to happen every time. I got quite frustrated and calmed myself down, applied sf and just re-did whatever I had done in a wrong way for specific purposes. Still get a bit pissed by people arriving late to a set-time.
I’m being more ‘open’ with people at school, specifically in the workshop. It’s cool there because it’s people that didn’t know the ‘old me’ 2 years ago when I first got into school and so, it’s really me just communicating with them, not being so secluded though I can’t deny that I enjoy being keeping myself quiet and working, that’s my thing.
I’ve been having ‘hints’ of what to do with art as I mentioned. Teachers speaking to us how it is to finally end up school and then get into the real world, people suddenly paying attention to what I do, getting some ‘attention’ in workshop by stuff I do, etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stressed over wanting to keep a certain level of ‘who I am’ within my ways of working which causes me to be concerned and worried instead of just expressing myself and getting things done
Ah yes those art documents by Andrew of course as I was writing the other day. One very very clear example is me not making ‘big’ etchings in metal because zinc plates are eexpensive, so oh no I can’t take half of a whole plate to make one etching that would be so expensive!’ these are the thoughts even though I know I would enjoy doing such things extensively. One of the reasons I also got into art before was to ‘bet’ to get big money
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be greedy on money before and getting into art because of thinking and believing that ‘I could earn a lot’ within art world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle myself and go into polarity as ‘not being able to make it’ as thinking that I just can’t live from selling art work
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see my work as ‘worthy’ whenever others notice it and comment about it
I forgive myself that I have accepted an dallowed myself to be waiting for other’s approval of what I do in order to consider that I’m going ‘the right way’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and get frustrated today because of having to repeat stuff and therefore, think, believe and perceive that I’m wasting time
I forgive myself that I have accepted an dallowed myself to desire and want to set high standards for myself and therefore, being running over to ‘catch myself’ and my high standards
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that if a girl stares at me for a long period of time, it implies that she’s jealous of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate being looked at while I’m working
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by being the ‘tarjet’ of eyes that like staring while I don’t see them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ‘outstanding’ in workshop and fearing ‘not being able to keep up’ with the "role" that I’m developing for myself as being ‘hard worker’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be constantly and continuously comparing myself to others with regards to my ‘speed’ of working
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘superior’ to others because of being able to do things apparently ‘faster’ than others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get into self judgment whenever I do not feel comfortable being sitting near certain people just because of ‘how they seem to be’ towards myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel fto dislike someone just because of them denying something to me the first time
I’ve been alone and it’s cool. i notice that I’m being more ‘chilled’ with regards to keeping everything in museum order which is kind of cool I guess. Let’ssay that in general I am being more open and relaxed and I am just testing myself. Sometimes while being so into doing somethinglike in the workshop I tend to forget to be aware of breath which sometimes frustrates me, really REALLY learning how to be patient and do things no matter what without seeing it as ‘waste of time’ and wanting to do everything at once in a fast and accurate way. Sometimes things can’t just be like that, specially within this workshop that has the old almost middleaged technique lol .
Also facing some points that I had been hiding with regards to my usual -unnoticed- flirt towars certain men. I realize that I rarely wanted to really get into a relationship with men. The men I went into some kind of close relationship (friendship or partnership) are and have been the only ones I have really placed myself within. But I enjoyed the casual contact with males, just playing the ‘not so obvious’ game but turning it into an interesting way of moving myself around in a way.
So facing time…. what seems more ‘scary’ to me at this point is finishing school and then having to go out to the real world which is inevitable though at the same time, I know that I will be quite tranquil when that happens. Many shit I allow beause of knowing that ‘parents sustain me’ and in doing so, having to submit to their rules and stupid curfews.
Well oh well. i have to sleep in this moment.