how much do I cost?

What do I regret from PAST? I had already gone through this and I’ve been really thinking on what could I be regretting from the past, I can’t nail it and it worries me a bit because maybe it’s something so ingrained that I’m not able to pin point it.

I could’ve regretted being with certain people in my life, but I realize that If I hadn’t been with those people or gone through those situations, I wouldn’t have lived what I lived, therefore, not having actually had a ‘life experience’. I can’t be at home everyday, I can’t just be sitting around the couch in front of my pc which is something I often do.

Yesterday as I was with my friend Y. we were going back to the times when we did lots of ‘nonsense’ while being with our common friend L. Even though this friend L really bit our hand in the end, we went through things that made us ‘grow’ and know that not everyone in this life is going to treat you the way you want to be treated, meaning, being ‘friends’ and not stabbing your back in the end. . .

My idea of friendship came to be a skin-nail relationship. My friends, the ones I really called friends, I would spend a lot of time with them, practically sleep at their houses and spend all weekends with them. And all I lived for was being with them.  In some situations I lived their life more than mine, I stuck or just was induced into their usual life which eventually lead me to stop what I would regularly do before I spent time with friends such as painting or listening t music, reading books, I used to read lots of books, that I have stopped… I was glancing through the cathcer in the rye and laughed at J.D. Salinger’s words and how I see the obvious patterns in his writings, though at that time I identified with him a lot, with the character. Hating everybody because I kind of hated myself in a way.

If you ask for example A. how he met me, he said that I was an ’emo’ kid at that time, lol, all dressed in black and usually sad or depressed and worrying about my friend. Such a darkie mom I was then, lol. The thing is that if I go through my record list, I find depressing music, there are no ‘cheerful’ cd’s, they are all quite in the same ‘wave’ and so I could say that it really says a lot about me and how I grew up in my teenage years. Hard to say that my ‘teenage’ years are over… 22 is like the beginning of adulthood,,, a young adult that is in the middle of wanting to stop holding parent’s hands to go by but at the same time, still depend on them financially.

Ok I had a dream last night, being jealous once again because of seeing A. with another girl and being right in front of me, just like It used to be. . . Am I in a BIG fucking LOOP? oh dear no… I can’t hide this, I really experienced myself being very jealous many times… what is jealousy but not accepting myself as all therefore, not wanting anything JUST FOR ME because this is one of the main reasons that drove me to feel jealous, wanting certain people to have eyes and be just for me. what a fuck up and ego-driven attitude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of being ego-driven and feel jealousy and allow myself to experience jealousy even in my dreams

I forgive myself that I haven’ta ccepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot and will never ever belong to someone, or own someone or something because there isn’t anything or anyone to possess

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having control over someone’s life and wanting to know a person’s every move to know that ‘I’m still in the game’ within that person’s life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by the desire to be part of someone’s life in means of existing in another, therefore, using this as a way to validate my existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and having experienced myself since a teenager that I was ‘miserable’ and that I desperately needed someone to recognize me so i existed and then, consider myself of worth and value by being with another, in another’s life and important in another’s life

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to only desire being praised and loved and cared after by friends or partners and wanting to hear the words ‘you are special in my life’ because of me wanting and desiring to be ‘special’ and to be ‘someone’ in another’s life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘work hard’ to be liked and accepted by friends or partners in relationships and did all to be praised, to be adored, to be liked and loved.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that my relationships were based on self interest, in wanting ‘another one’ to know me, to ‘value’ me, to know who I am so I could exist and be part of this world because I didn’t accept myself as this world

I forgive myself that I haven’ta ccepted and allowed myself to see myself as all relationships in this world and still think of myself as an individual that ‘must have relationships in order to exist’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get ‘credit’ for ‘who I am’ because of how I think, believe and perceive that I’ve built my personality, how I’ve built ‘who I am’ therefore, being apparently destenied to be with only certain ‘kind’ of people that would recognize and value me for ‘who I am’ as an individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cloud my awareness as all as one as equal by sticking to personal desires in ‘gaining’ relationships and creating bonds with people because of ‘who I am’ and ‘who they are’ within the mind, therefore liking people because of their mind or physical appearance, complete fuckup

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to omit my application at times when I feel like ‘having fun’ such as remembering old people in my life

Yesterday while being with Y. in the coffee I experienced a bit of excitement because later I knew that the very first guy that had declared his ‘love’ towards me after one day of meeting me was having coffee in a table behind mine, though i didn’t know he was there until he left. I see how I still ‘enjoy’ remembering the times when i used to speak with him, drinking coffee and how we would stimulate each other’s minds because of ‘who we are’ therefore I realized how I most of the times fell ‘in love’ with another’s mind, sometimes it wasn’t even physical damn. So this shows how we actually ‘love’ the recognition of ourselves in ‘anotehr one’ the recognition, the existence of ourselves in ‘someone’s life’ because that apparently gives us worth and value and feeds the ego as if saying "well done!, your construction as who you think you are is effective, someone likes you, keep it up!" and so this is a fuckup because then I based my existence according to how people went accepting me and liking me etc, which eventually went into a more sexual level while being wih partners and doing things just to be liked and adored and praised by them, I just wanted to say within that frame of mind and attitued: "take this, you won’t find this anywhere else, no other woman is going to love you as I do" – just like that Yeah yeah yeah’s song: maps, lol "wait! they don’t loveyou like I love you’ and so within that the intense or immense fear of loss existed, fear of not being ‘good enough for him”, fear of ‘losing him’, and fear of ‘him having someone better than me’ which then lead to the experience of jealousy I mentioned, the experience of ‘I have to be better than her, I have to compete with another one for him, I know he’ll never have anyone like ME’ etc…. all desires to be ‘the one and only one’ in someone’s life. This clearly entails not accepting myself completely, not giving myself value and worth without needing an outside source of recognition of how ‘cool’ I was, how I had ‘built’ myself around ‘who I wanted to be’ which I eventually got to be and therefore, gave me my own little glory.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever base my worth and value according to how important or special I was in another’s life

If orgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘who I am’ is able to go ‘up’ and ‘down’ in worth according to what I do, what I say, what I create which will eventually be received by ‘another one’ who will quialify this and consider me as ‘of value and worth’ or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self acceptance in another’s hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that ‘I don’t care what people say’ when I really did care, therefore, existing in denial of who I am and what I was expecting from others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place all effort in creating a persona of myself that could be loved, cared for, valued and desired by others and have me in a ‘special’ place in their lifes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become jealous the moment I felt ‘threatened’ in losing someone because of another woman being ‘more’ than me, and therefore allowing me to desire possessing the people I ‘loved’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that i could possess someone as having someone always only for me without that person having eyes for another one, therefore, making everything possible to keep that someone satisfied with myself, with having me in his life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define stability in a relationship as none of the partners desiring to be with another person because of being ‘fulfilled’ with each other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define safety according to knowing that no one within the partnership relationship is thinking or desiring to be with anyone else, therefore, feeling safe as not having to fear losing that person, not having to compete with another one for this person’s attention and ‘love’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love as ‘caring’ for someone not realizing what really love is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my ‘beingness’ according to how many people have me in their ‘lifes’ and which place do I occupy in their lives

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘uplifted’ whenever someone would confess liking me or having me in a special place within their lives, therefore, allowing me tto within my ego feel special, cherished, love and respected by another one, therefore, would feel loved and cared for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only feel ‘alive’ whenever I began sharing myself with others, therefore, conditioning myself and my self expression according to another one that would be able to ‘witness’ and be with me during that time so

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to pray to find ‘someone’ for me, to find someone that could ‘understand me’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to base my life according to ‘who I could be with’ according to how I deemed they ‘understood me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel fto feel saddened by having placed ‘worth and value’ to who I am according to the kind of relationships I had, according to ‘how special I was for friends’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel that being with a friend or partner on weekends was a ‘reward’ to having worked during the whole week away, therefore being completely in the expectation of a future projection of ‘wanting to be with someone’ and ‘going through week only to get till weekend’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live entirely up for expectations, for future projections to be ‘accomplished’ therefore if I do not get to experience what I wanted and hoped and waited to experience, then I become bitter and sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be still want to blame my period as ‘coming soon’ therefore being moody with everyone around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting others to ‘think like me’ therefore ‘do as I do’ meaning, treat me as I treat them, think of me as I think of them and basically consider myself as I consider them so it can be ‘equal’ relationship though, not realizing that there is no equality within this at all, but merely wanting to have control over others  according to ‘who I want them to be’ towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pissed off when things don’t go my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely ‘betrayed’ when someone doesn’t do things I expect them to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having used vengeance as ‘doing onto others what others have done unto me’ as to pay them back for something or some situation they did on to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself within this frame of mind

I forgive myself tha tI have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately hurt and harm myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as ‘not good enough’ for something or someone and in this allowing me to belittle me within specific situations in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within and as my physicality  as an individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘unworthy’ when someone rejects me or doesn’t act according to how I ‘expected’ that someone to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire placing the expressed anger and disgust through my physicality, through my face gestures so others as people are able to know that ‘I’m in a bad mood’ and that ‘It’s not a good day’ or that ‘I’m pissed off’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it all out on the world, instead of realizing that I can’t download my shit on to anyone but MYSELF as all is me, all this world is ME one and equal so I stop the constant and continous fuck up towards myself, embrace myself, stop fighting myself, stop wanting to control myself

this is  so I stop wanting to ‘sell’ myself as another product designed for particular consumers.

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

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