perfectionism sucks

So it was ridiculous tough day. I see the stupidity of the anger I experienced in such situations as going to the electric light office to pay the bill and only remembering until I saw the message saying that there would be no service today that it is the anniversary of the Mexican Revolution, sure, right, we are supposed to be "free" from our ‘oppressors’ such as the spanish that conquered us. Blah. Anyways it was early in the morning and I spent almost an hour going there and getting back without having paid so I was a bit pissed off, then having to wait for a bus to pass and so on. Then went to workshop, I was quite cool at the beginning because I was going to be printing and I usually enjoy that process but today it was quite a mess. THe ink wasn’t right, it had this little solid pieces of dry ink which eventually made me take off more ink than needed etc; to sum up: I fucked some copies of the etchings in the nice paper, but the deal is how I got frustrated and how I just wanted to explode and almost give up. I got angry because that thought even came to my mind like saying: DROP it now! leave, you won’t get anything right from now on! and so I really stopped, applied self forgiveness, focused on breathing and tried to relax. I mean, I hadn’t experienced this ‘turmoil’ in a long time being or having pressure over something so shallow really, even my mates were saying: chill down ! so that means that I can only imagine the furious face I must be having.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame ‘the ink’ for my mood gone ‘bad’ therefore experiencing myself as frustrated and angry for not doing things right

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow for a second a thought co ming through my mind of giving up, of dropping it off because of thinking, believing and perceiving that from the moment something goes wrong, it only can get worse

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let it out onto others and allow myself to blame someone or something outside of myself for my experience, such as the ink being the reason I got angry, not realizing that I got angry at myself for not having being able to get things done ‘right’ as I usually do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in anger in a situation where I knew I had to STOP all reacitons and stop all anger and frustration and instead gave into exerting anger and frustration on to others and making it a visible manifestation within myself throughout my facial gestures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave in a ‘bad mood’ towards anyone because of declaring that ‘I’m in a bad mood’ and in doing so, acting out my statement of ‘being angry’ and so not caring about anything or anyone because I got blinded by anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, perceive and declare that ‘it’s not my day’ the moment something doesn’t come out the exact way I wanted it to happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that I’ve created these events in order to STOP all expectations and planning because it only keeps me bounded to desiring a certain, exact and precise outcome to fulfill my existence without being just HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘weak’ the moment I had to ask S. for help to get things done while printing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire so much being ‘self sufficient’ as doing everything by myself and not hearing to the quote that came to my head in that moment "no man’s an island"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience frustration the moment i feel that I’ve wasted my MONEY and TIME by printing stuff that didn’t come out in a mint way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being an expert in what I do to have and get recognition from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being up to the expectations of others towards myself within my current activity such as making etchings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be feeding my ego as ‘who I am within art school’ because of beginning to get some recongition from my peers on my work

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself , meaning abusing myself, by having formed opinions about myself about ‘who I am’ and ‘how I need to be’ in order to move within my world, therefore experience anger and frustration if I don’t seem to be accomplishing my own set up goals as ‘who I want to be’ to ‘fulfill my standard of who I am’ without realizing that

I am not the opinions I’ve formed about myself

I am not the thoughts I’ve created to define myself

I do not have to be living up to the expectations of others because it isn’t who I really am at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be falling into the role I used to play within my world such as being the friendly one trying to help everyone out by lending them stuff in order to make my environment a ‘better place’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deeply still seeking approval and the acceptance of others by ‘helping them out’ whenever I am able to, instead of doind it unconditionally as myself for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with having things done in a ‘perfect’ way or almost perfect way in order to make me feel that I did things ‘right’ therefore, that I didn’t waste any money or time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe dmyself to create fear of money through fear of losing time and paper to make copies of my etchings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as boiling up in anger and frustration today and not STOPPING in that moment and only allow myself to get to the point of being ashamed of myself for knowing the stupidity of my situation and only feeding my mood by talking about ‘what went wrong’ with others

I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist within regret for having exerted my anger on to S. and other mates that are usually cool within themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I’ve done such as reacting and boiling up in anger all of a sudden when ‘things don’t go my way’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel compromised more and more each day as ‘having to do everything alright’ because of how advanced I am in what I do and therefore, wanting to fulfill others expectaitons

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire fulfilling others expectations on to myself because of me still wanting to be ‘on top’, to be the best, the most dedicated in what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger the moment that things go out of my ‘control’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that until I stop here in every moment of breath by not allowing me to breathe

So it was qiute a fuck up really today, in the end this girl lent me her inks and  I got one that I really really liked so in the end it was worth it. I managed to cool down, to literally cool down and laugh of myself and the stupidity of my situation as well. SO it was cool then, but see how strong it all can build if I we allow it to be so…


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be tempted to desire giving up when fseeing that things aren’t ‘going my way’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself tod esire having perfection and control within everything i do such as working in art and/or school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still fear not doing things ‘right’ and therefore not being ‘good enough’

Well see it’s almost the end of semester and at school they are wanting us to start making final projects etc so I notice this slight tension/stress towards it which I eventually stop going: hmm you are worrying over SchooL! oh no, that’s a fuuck up, it’s a grade, silly grade though I see that the ‘who I am’ and ‘who I have always been’ as being one of ‘the best students’ during my whole "life" it’s tough for me to apparently say, "i don’t care about getting a good grade, I’ll do whatever’.  I see that within this it doesn’t have to be about getting a grade but doing what I want to, what I can and what represents myself and my current state. I mean, it’s easy but my mind has been so used to complicating and messing things up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stressed over school, to be worrying about grades and ‘who I will be’ within the works that I will be delivering next weeks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that ‘ I won’t be able to do it’ not realizing that these are the thoughts that run over my head constantly and continuously over the same situations always at the end of semester

I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to be asking perfection towards myself without realizing that perfection does not exist and that eventually, school isn’t something to be worried about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely stupid by stressing over school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel these thoughts by being procrastinating what I will and have to do for school for final projects

It is really stupid everything that I think of my ‘problems’ I see that it’s plain stupidity when other me ‘somehwere else’ is having the dilemma of his life: whe he’ll get his food from? we’ll he make it through the day? ANd here I am, worrying abut silly maths

OK So this was the big anger frustration fuck up of the day which I later on laughed on about though in that moment I seriously wanted to break all the papers and throw the metal plate out the window.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so explosive the moment I allow anger to control me and control my thoughts which Is only me blinding myself by setting standards of how it is that i want thingst o come out exactly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being unsatisfied the moment I see that things didn’t go out my way and that I see money and time spent on something that is practically ‘wrongly made’

Agh perfectionism sucks, who invented it?
 

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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