I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define everything according to parameters of being either ‘perfect’ or ‘imperfect’ and therefore, tagging everything in order to fit into a ‘good/bad’ polarity definition instead of realizing that everything just IS. I Stop all definitions
thanks for that one Martjin
Well seems it’s a rollercoaster according to me experiencing myself while being a part of a music concert or art exhibition. Years ago, before all these changes came to earth I would really enjoy looking at a painting, I would imagine and idealize my moment of staring right in front of a piece of art, thinking of that ‘aura’, that ‘spirit’ a work would have. Same happened while I would be amongst thousands in front of a stage to see ‘one of my favorite bands’ and believing that ‘I could die the day after that’ because I had been able to see one of my ‘fav bands’ live. Life was plain simple, I got satisfaction easily, I would curl around my ’emotions and feelings’ towards a song, a painting, a something that would make me apparently feel alive. That’s why it was such a shock to me finding Desteni because then I knew that everything I had written about in the past, everything that was spiced up with all those feelings and emotions was simply mind consciousness system meal and therefore, not who I really am. Getting rid of the ’emotional me’ has been quite cool after I had thought that i would loose myself.
Yesterday a colleague from school that I met in my first year in art school said that I had changed, that I wasn’t ‘so marlen’ anymore. I said "great! it is true, I’m never going back to be ‘me’ again" I don’t know if he got it, I don’t care and I didn’t bother to ask how did he find me different or anything else. I also see that I’ve stopped seeing people that knew the ‘old me’ at school. I’m getting along while working with people at workshop which are all ‘new’ to me in a way. It is plain weird because besides me being kind of reserved at times people seem to be liking me and wanting to talk with me, lol, I don’t know why I’ve found that hilarious my whole life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having defined myself according to the way I relate to other people in any social encounter
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ‘individuality’ within and as myself in order to form me a ‘way of being’ within my world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for defining me according to how I perceive myself – the opinion of myself – while relating and interacting with others, therefore, act and react according to what I think it is ‘me’ and what I think doesn’t go with ‘me’
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still be bounded and tied to my opinions and ideas of myself as ‘who I have to be’ and ‘how I have to present myself’ amongst others, amongst unknown people in means of ‘making an image of myself’ so they know ‘who I am’
Well let’s see. I see people, I see how I wanted so hard to keep my ‘individuality’ and my ‘personality’ and make myself as ‘different’ as possible by wearing certain clothes and rings and earrings and whatnot… it is so typical of our ‘times’ to desire bieng ‘unique and different’. This is something that I’m ceratinly going ‘cool’ with, taking off that ‘uniqueness’ and the desire to be authentic and original, just like any other commercial on tv will try to sell you the next big thing, well, that’s how the world revolves around lately.
With regards to the art world and the world in general is mere decay, I know, it’s a perception, it is TRUE as a matter of fact… and
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be losing all will to make a change because it seems ‘too much’
as if something is terribly broken into pieces and even though you got this brand new super glue, you won’t be able to glue the pieces back again. This happened as I broke one of my bowls: it borke in around 6 pieces but last one wouldn’t fit in again, my fuck up, quite an experience seeing that things won’t ever be the same once they have been broken. Ouch
IT’s not even a sense of hopelessness, but I am the epitome of anyone else around these times: going out in means of seeing others being apparently alive but in the end, we all know and feel the same way, we all know that everything around else is mere superficial "epidermic" as one of my teachers would say, and so it is true. WE’ve been casting ourselves out from this MOMENT HERE by wanting ‘something else’ apparently seeking it out on drugs, in a song, in a book, in whatever that would create us an experience a ‘something-something’ that will make us know that ‘hey, you’re still alive’ without realizing that we’ve never actually lived and that in fact, seeing how most of people would receive the idea of us being Mind Consciousness Systems would simply be quite shocking, even though it is like the most understood thing to me at the moment.
I listen to music and words from some singers actually speak of truth, some of them deviate into heaven and eternity, wow how were we fooled by the ideals of being amongstt the stars without seeing that it isn’t something that I will be able to ‘live out’, it isn’t anything to understand.
Being with A has made me test myself immensly. I see how I still get pissed off by others affairs, by others reactions towards an event around and so it is time for me to STOOOP because I still get fired up when I see my ‘opinions’ challenged. SO true, the unified field exists as opinions, wow. LOL, I can’t believe how simple yet so in your face this is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pissed off because of people defending their point of view against others that have a different point of view
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intolerant towards people that seem to be ‘lost cases’ as never going to be able to understand what te current is currently going on
Consumerism, everything revolves around it and though we try to hide it in means of ‘self improvement’, well at least that’s how I saw my consumerism while having a book binge whenever i went to a cool bookstore, or buying cd’s in means of ‘owning’ something that others wouldn’t have, odd, rare music/cd’s… I wanted to have everything that would ‘set me apart’ from my peers at school or anywhere else.
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to feel pessimistic towards my world, towards art and what I can do in this world, in this life to make a change and statement of me standing up as all as one as equal
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I’m wasting my time whenever I am doing ‘nothing’ just being here
I stop all self judgment towards others expressing themselves through any kind of art and therefore, I embrace all artistic manifestations as me
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as being optimistic
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I was being ‘individual’ and ‘unique’ whenever I wore and showed off with something in order to be or have ‘something’ that ‘no one else would have’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be Me and not consider myself as ALL as one as EQUAL