Yesterday I spent the morning time in museum. Well these days because of my art history class I’ve been seeing how Anu created the perfect ‘deity image’ to enslave everyone around here, every single pre-hispanic culture has him as a deity as Quetzalcóatl- Kukulcán, the feathered-serpent. Well I don’t see why it isn’t widely known that this ‘deity’ is the same in every culture around the globe. WEll being at the museum I see all that which was made to praise, to worship, to pray to – idols, statues all those images and figures that eventually replaced the idea of a god and became it in a ‘physical’ way, that’s how we became worshipers, idolizing everything that had a certain format, idoliing other pieces of matter, wow. Anyways, I had to draw some of them for my class, yes I consider that as obsolete though she wanted that.
I can’t point aside the fact that it seems as if everything things literally slide more right in front of my eyes… yes, seeing everything moving adds the sense of ok, I’m instantaneously creating this though not to be absorved by everything gliding as if I had taken some kind of acid, well anyways, getting used to it. Another sensation is of already knowing it all, all is here in fact but ‘sensing’ it in a way it’s odd. I no longer get all ‘surprised’ when things happen right after I had through of them or suspecting things that are actually ‘true’… etc, it’s like knowing what the next page will be without having finishing read the one your just beginning to read.
Yesterday night I saw ex-boyfriend again and it was huge difference from last time I met him when I had been quite solid while talking to him not allowing any deviation and seducing though this time I actually just followed the game and let’s say ‘we both played’ though REALLY it makes no difference to me. We even kissed and yes I had to stop the inner whirpools that I used to have from just having him near etc but it has no meaning with regards of thinking of ‘love’ or ‘having someone’ or even having ‘kissed’ someone, nope, it doesn’t make a difference because it just happened and didn’t change myself in ‘definition’ or ‘state’ or anything. though
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I make others happy while being with them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire still creating an effect ON them
See where it goes? It’s like ‘ok, I don’t react, I stop the feeling though I know that the other one IS feeling and creating all those whirpools inside. Hmm how we never take ‘the other’ into consideration, or do we? So I told him specificaly to not think and bring back memories or be thinking of memories, wow such a double trouble:" THINKING MEMORIES" lol! I just said all we have is here, now stop thinking! and he knows this, ‘all the time’ he said meaning ALL is ALL everything is everything here all the ‘time’ so to sa y-all existence.
I did have fears rising up as fearing ‘falling once again’ for him just because of being attracted to him etc but nope… just today I confirmed that I enjoy being alone… It seems that I’m no longer in separation from ‘those I once loved’ anymore and I see that they are still fond of myslf and I’m fond of them though it isn’t the same kind of ‘fondness’ I experienced towards them before, great change and all I can share is that it is all a matter of realizing in every moment: he’s me as well, I’m touching me, I’m seeing me.
What is vanishing certainly is the idea of desiring to be ‘real’ meaning, that the idea of myself prevails or has any value or something, and this change is cool because this is certainly a way to explore myself in different ways without having to ‘keep a posture’ with certain and defined beings in my world. Nope. And it’s been cool, being me, not being afraid to talk and be raw-honest with people, specially with those that are or were common beings in my world such as ex boyfriend and A. and family… I had a bit of fun laughing around with G and all but I see that there’s no way I’m trying to ‘bring the past here’ nope, it’s different, just facing them, being with them and not trying to re-create what already was and won’t be again.
Seeing the little plants breathe is by far a great thing to observe, how a mere perceptual change is ‘changing’ my awareness, not to distract myself from here but yesm, it is cool in a way, seeing everything ‘breathe’ as me.
I enjoyed breathing while I was taking a little nap next to A. this morning, I compared breathings and I could see how air goes into the stomach in out and how when breathing superficially it usualy goes faster. Enjoying breathing myself.
So double trouble: thinking memories and see it is a common habit within m yself and this is what keeps us running in expectations and ideas of ‘how I should be within this or that situation’ or ‘how I should be around this or that person according to the opinion others have about him/her" etc.
THese topics on opinions are great indeed and thanks to B for making us see that all we have to say is an opinion of an opinion created as blocks of identity
Well I go to sleep at this moment, tomorrow have to travel early