I was just organizing the bunch of photocopied books I read this semester. I was looking at the bunch of copies I’ve made from my etchings. I was just realizing the amount of effort, time and money spent on those papers and man, it is all meaningless to me. I see that none of that will stand the test of time in any way whatsoever: knowledge/information overloaded with concepts trying to explain our current situation within our world as ‘post-modernism’ and art, and well, my ‘works of art’ which is something I certainly enjoying making though, I know it isn’t it ALL in my life. I see that I have been spending more time wanting to ‘go out’ within my world and leaving the usual reading behind. I see that school becomes a burden when I only take a look at what I’ve done for 4 months… I see that school revolves around theories and never ending ‘quests’ to find a truth, that seems to be ‘it’ in art, in my current career, finding a ‘truth’ through art.
Where does ART end up when we realize that it first wasn’t an individual expression but a need in order to praise and worship the gods? Well this is the real and actual art history when the enslavement was imposed meaning around the Egypt times and with its initial manifestation with our ‘very first civilization’ such as the Sumerians. All I see is Anu and the other guys depicted in various forms that’s all. All that mysticism is just broken to me and I am grateful for that as I was in a seemingly never ending quest to ‘find the truth’ and that’s why a year ago I was just embarked in a quest where I was trying to find the truth in the mayan Calendar.
A year ago I was in Bogotá, Colombia, was invited to show my pictures in a collective expo with other artists from south america. The trip was great, the ‘art deal’ wasn’t so great but that was the first time I knew what it meant to actually pay half of the hotel bill with my own selling of photographs in that auction for some blind kids association – yeah at that time I felt the coolest person for participating in an ‘act of charity’ though days after that I realized what it really entailed, money money money as always, corrupting even the seemingly most innocent gesture of compassion towards those that aren’t able to see. Well… well.. GOt disappointed with the whole situation though during that trip I felt a change a complete change. THe book I was reading on my way to the airport was ‘Still the Mind’ by Alan Watts because I had read ‘What is Zen’ as well and I had liked it. I took about two or three books to that trip including ‘the transformation of consciousness and the mayan calendar’ by Calleman. lol. . . I was desperately seeking for ‘my truth’ and I felt in a quest going to another country where I knew barely no one, where I was going to meet unknown people and spend my nights completely alone in a hotel woohoo! no past, no family, no nothing I felt ‘free’ in a way… I didn’t miss my family or anything really, I enjoyed it in the moment those books were a cool way to pave the road for what I was going to encounter on january (ehm ehm desteni!) and so In that trip I felt the ‘death’ of something within me, Didn’t know what it was or couldn’t pinpoint it but it was as if I had given a complete end to a phase within my life though it wasn’t going to change until after some months. Who would’ve known that all the work I had done researching on religions and spiritualism and magic and alchemy and tarot and esoteric and gnosticism knowledge and information – lol – all that I went through to find the same points over and over again.
I was watching at my ‘sketch book’ I had a year ago and that I finished around december last year. I was on weed and all those drawings are quite quite chaotic and now that I see them they seem like a bunch of noodles to me though, at that time I remember being oh so very proud of those drawings… depictions of triangles with eyes in the center, symbols, writings on stuff that I would read in books of the above mentioned topics and I see a lot of crap and bullyshits around though there are some interesting ones that were certainly always misunderstood as I thought that the state of Buddha was the ‘ideal’ one, lol I even had an illustration of a buddha in the first page of this sketch book, interesting. There’s one very cool drawing that I like in that sketchbook which features some kites. Well I’ll take a pic of it later because I don’t have it here right now. . . but it has the handwriting of a colombian kid that lives in the mountains free, away from the ‘civilization’, he’s the happiest kid I’ve ever met. Her mother an incredible woman that told me how she ‘purified’ herself by erasing everything around her until her she remained quiet in the mind, wow, it seemed that everything fit like pieces of one of the puzzles I enjoyed making… they are probably one of the greatest things that happened to me in that trip. That woman told me she saw something within me, she was a gracious woman, smiling and being happy and free just like her son who was about 8 years old and is the kid that I’ve seen laughing th most time my entire life… enjoying himself just rocking in a hammock and being a KID! wow, Pure self expression he was Seykingumu is how you could pronounce his indigenous name. He wanted to be a pilot, he was half indigenous and half ‘white’ because his father was a ‘civilized’ man from the city and his mother Guriwen told me that he had a ‘mission’ in this life as being the bridge between those around him where they lived – the indigenous- and the civilized/city "white" people as he had both kinds of ‘blood’ inside… well I just was fascinated by the fact that he wanted to be a pilot and fly over the mountains, and then become a captain of a ship… lol you should’ve seen him laugh.
I went to bogota with no expectations, that is something that I had just ‘learned’ from Watts’ book, though I completely got another view of life, of myself, or the ‘art business’ and what I want to be and do… The lie of life began to rise to the surface and I knew that after that I wouldn’t be the same. And it certainly never was for I had seen what it is to be apart of ‘your world’, what it is to be you and only you without compromising yourself to being ‘something or someone’ for people around you as ‘who they think you are’, I was free, I was just the ‘tourist’ with no attachments there… There is where I began to stop the impatience of the mind, to stop the expectations, learning to breathe through moments where I just wanted to cry or yell because of what I was told to be and do and speak in order to fit other’s ideas of ‘who I should be’ in order to sell art. wow..
Who would’ve known that all I believed and through to be true was my own personal mindfuck?
And here I am, almost finishing the 5th semester at school, half way ‘done’ yet sometimes I feel as if this is all meaningless.. it certainly is, all that I ever thought to be real wasn’t it for real, meaning, all the value I placed onto things it never was really, and all I know is that I can’t know what is ahead in the next corner as I walk through this life and this process though I know that things aren’t pretty. THe mask of the illusion of preettyness, beauty and light fell a year ago, I knew that my ‘ideals’ were merely that, ideas in the mind and that the real life as what is here was far away from it.
The eternal seeking is over. All is Here, all I have to do is Face my Demons and everyone and everything as me around me. We just can’t deny the truth of ourselves. I can’t kid myself in trying to find a ‘truth’ to make myself more interesting and in the quest as every single human being has been every reincarnation
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to embark myself on a quest to ‘find’ the ‘real me’ by thinking, believing and perceiving that ‘who I am’ was something of ‘god’ and ‘light’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel saddened by seeing that none of what I ever thought was ‘real’ and ‘truth’ was every actually real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being tempted by the desire of sex not realizing that I am the only one creating and participating within such fear towards something that I’m making as ‘something that is to be feared’ because of considering it to be wrong
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself for thinking and perceiving that I’ve ‘wasted’ my life looking for answers outside in separtion of myself, seeking a ‘truth’ in religions, spiritualism or any other idea/concept that I could hang on to be able to define myself as being ‘more’ than who I already am here
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever want to be something/someone special to others as being perceived as ‘unique’ not realizing that this is the actual generalized feeling around everyone in this current world manifestation
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and percieve that I was losing my ‘youth’ by not going out to ‘have fun’ as other kids and only until now realizing that I didn’t ‘lose’ anything because it is impossible as I am all that exists here beyond the individual perception of myself here
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fall int eh ‘trap’ of casualties and ‘accidental encounters’ with people never realizing that everythingwas preprogramed and already done to be here
I was watching part of that loong money documentary and all i coul dthink of is how come I never heard the name of jp morgan or the rothchilds in my economy/ history classes?how come history books make seem the death of presidents and kings that were actually trying to make a change as something done by a ‘crazy someone out there’ and therefore conditioning ourselves to believe that such deaths as the one of John Lennon are accidentally made by the same kind that supposedly would’ve killed JFK. How come we believed that our governments were the ones in control, lol, never imagined that it was but a few families controling everything… this I’m sein from when i was in junior high/ high school when I thought I was discovering the black thread to this entire world by having this or that teacher that would dare to speak ‘a bit more’ of what the educational system allowed them to tell. I thank that teacher that made me realize that money was the motor to this world and its flow of history.
Beyond all our lives having been a dream I see that there is something that really isn’t, and that is all that has happened to get us till here, so we better stop seeking, stop wondering and get real here.