I’ve got quite clear that who I am as who I THINK myself to be isn’t real, that all I perceive myself to be is an illusion, that all I could define myself with are actually the goddamn opinions this world is based upon. This video is plain ‘gold’
When knowing that demons are here to assist and support us I said ‘oh, wow, that’s why’ though I see that there’s no reason outside and separated from myself BUT myself, me and only me.
My ‘father’ told me the story of his recent dream where the sky was all covered in white and it began to snow, let’s clear up the fact that he’s only seen the snow once in his life and it isn’t usual for snow to fall around here. It was a heavy layer of snow the one that was formed and he said that he gathered up with all the people trying to run away because at the same time, the earth was ‘opening’ and the most impressive thing he told me was seeing how the mountains opened up and dinosaurs would come out, huge dinosaurs fighting one another. I asked his experience within this dream and he said that he was ‘calm’ because he managed to survived along with others going from here to there to escape the whole ‘hell on earth’ scenario. I tried to give him my perspective of something changing on earth, of literally hell breaking loose by our self-created demons that are here to assist us, to makes us confront our nature. Which other way could we do this if still existing with ‘goodness’ masks put on? I explained this to him and he completely got it. my ‘mother’ immediately went upstairs when father mentioned that he’d had a ‘weird dream’ meaning something that we could say as armageddon-like, apocalypse now etc. I explained my father how reactions like this – of fear and not wanting to hear- is merely wanting to exist in a pink buble, this is what I actually told mother, that she was wanting to blind herself and exist in this pink honey bubble where ‘everything is ok’. Why is this? Because my sister is getting married and you know, she doesn’t want anything or anyone ruining her ‘parade’ in a way. But It is inevitable and it was cool telling my father what he has to do if he suddenly experiences a ‘something’ taking over him, meaning, taking all of his senses and making him for example drown and burst out in the feeling of ‘anger’ so for him to stop in that moment and realize that he isn’t that anger but a manifestation that he’s given power to and that he’s creating by himself. Seems he ‘got it’ as he was quite serious and paying attention to what I had to say, though I see some different attitude of him, he seems quite more ‘tired’ in away. Well it might’ve been my perception but seems this dream really shocked him in a way .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give head to images and pictures of catastrophes on earth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear while dreaming myself in a catastrophe on earth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being threatened by nature itself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create images and pictures of what ‘the end of the wolrd’ could be according to that which i saw when a child, according to that which I heard and therefore believed of ‘what is to come’ in a future moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give importance to what movies on ‘end times’ are telling me and guiding me to feel and think about what is to come in the future
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face my own accepted and allowed nature that has been rottening inside me for all of existence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having an incurable mortal disease such as cancer
THis is because last night (or early on this morning) my cellphone’s vibrator ‘rang’ at 5:30 though i kept on sleeping and woke until 6:50 when A. was calling me in the cellphone. Well from 5:30 till that moment I dreamed all sorts of jokes, I dreamed pure silly stuff that kept me quite amused for a while until almost at the end of it I was in a situation where people knew something about me that I didn’t, and someone then finally mentioned it to me: I had cancer in the lungs, in the upper side of the lungs. Then I woke up. I had this discomfort of having slept more and blaming myself for sleeping more and missing the sunrise and feeling like i had wasted time in stupid dreams and that last sentence that would keep me going in the morning as ‘hmm’ I reacted in fear when they told me I had lung cancer. This idea probably formed from me realizing that I smell pretty toxic stuff everyday as any other human being and then, add on the acids I use for metal etching. Oh well, when hearing that I had cancer I don’t remember quite well my reactions though I’m certain that it wasn’t a ‘cool’ one and so
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to react in fear and denial the moment I dreamed of having lung cancer last night
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel damned by knowing that I had developed lung cancer and trying to blame a something outside of me such as nitric acid or general air pollution as the cause of my dream disease
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated by the thought of being ill and therefore allow me to get ill and feel ‘helpless’ by knowing that I had a mortal disease
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist within and as worry and concern for what I get to breathe everyday
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted by pollution without realizing that I participate and co-create it everyday as well
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel beated by a disease and believing that ‘there is no way out’ anymore
I am actually experiencing myself ‘getting sick’ again and it isn’t cool as it is a feeling in the lungs as a cough/ flu along with sore throat. Damn, not cool
If orgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel damned everytime I experience and feel sickness is about to manifest within me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid for having creted this illness by not wearing enough coats in order to protect me from the cold.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire blaming the cold and the weather for the current experience of myself being sick
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to feel desperate by feeling sick as not being able to go out and do things normally because of pain
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to get mad at myself for sleeping more than what I should sleep
It’s fucking ridiculous really, experiencing anger and wanting to punch myself for being sick at this moment instead of embracing the sickness as there isn’t anything else to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blaming myself for being sick and experiencing myself being sick once again
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to just breathe through sickness instead of being creating and fueling opinions on ‘how I feel’ while being sick.
Yesterday i saw a kid just lying on the floor at the bus station when I was ready to come home after having gone through a cab, waited for train that wasn’t in use because of a manifestation blocking the rails, then using a bus to get to the bus station, then getting out of the bus because of great traffic and finally catching the ‘now in use’ train, then having to run to get a seat so i could leave there in few minutes… wow. All I say is that I wanted to just fall flat on the floor along with that kid, how he is able to just lay on it without anyone thinking he’s crazy or anything else and how I limit myself to not do it because of all the bunch of thoughts and opinions I would get from people seeing me do that along with the kid.
I had a discussion withi A. on being here to share yourself with others unconditionally. I actually arrived yesterday after thinking and making up ideas of me being wasting MY time by being with A and leaving stuff behind because of being with him and just today he talked on how selfish we all have become, not being able to have this ‘time’ for someone else, to share ourselves with ourselves and instead we go and exist being self-centered not giving a damn how is ‘the other’ doing. Though I see that he is trying to make a statement of ‘don’t leave me all alone’ so here is where I tend to fall into being self centered in wanting to do all by myself and being by myself and in a way isolating myself and creating me this ideas of how I should be and how I should experience m yself in order to be ‘attachment free’ So basically I fear falling into dependency on othres
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling and being dependent on others again
This is what happens when you allow yourself to be defined by people around you, to define the experience of yourself by others and what they might think or say about this.
I still get pissed byreligious stuff such as A. mentioning that he wanted to become a buddhist monk because he’d like to have a life where he would have defined activities such as having to grow food or work with animals and having activities throughout the day to maintain himself and also being away from everything around here. I explained how buddhist monks fucked up within their minds by thinking that they merely wanted to stop their mind instead of embracing their mind and directing themselves through it, so it was clear separation. Then he cleared that he just was intererested in living in an open green land where he’d have to work daily on the land and with animals and have a peaceful kind of life, just like farm I think. A place where he could create music and share and invite people from around the world to go and play along with him. I’d never realized how much he enjoyed sharing yet I’ve been present when people decide to do ‘something else’ and go out to the world to lose themselves into a more ‘broad’ social experience such as going drinking and ‘partying’ with their so-called friends. Wow, it is so plainly common for kids my age to get out of school today early and get into the nearest pub to ‘celebrate’ whatever it is that might be happening and lose themselves until they can’t even recognize their own face. This is unacceptable yet it is everywhere, and it is enforced by governments and society as it being an ‘ok’ thing to do these days.
I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to feel dismotivated to stand up becase of thinking that the fuckedupness of this world is bigger than my will to stand
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be extremely negative and apathic these days and allowing me to think that there’s no way out and that there’s nothing else to do or be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated physically and mentally at this moment because of being ill, of being cold and having work to do for something that is meaningless to me as it is school
I have ‘work’ to do, so here I go. thanks for reading, any comments as always much appreciated –