Well I’ve been quite quite sick (yet again) having a cough, currently a flu is coming and yeah I’ve been locked in my house because it’s kind of windy outside. I took the time to get my final projects for school done and it was odd how i had planned to stay at home this weekend to make these projects ‘at peace’ though I never realized that I’d be staying at home the whole weekend because of being sick. Well. Here it is the video:
If you’re reading this in Multiply, here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86ZQVBu33LA
It’s in spanish though it talks about realizing that there’s nothing or no one to change but myself, to realize that All I have is HERE and that I can’t blame anything or anyone anymore. Quite ‘introspective’ and ‘insightful’ as some have tagged it, I’ve been showing it around to people including my family and they really enjoyed it. My father even stood like wondering for a while. Well it is part of my final school projects and so that was it.
Though you may see at the end of credits A’s name for the music, and so mother asked if I already had that music, I said ‘no’ and so she realized that I had seen him lately.
The deal is that I had gone during the morning to A’s house and he said: well when are you going to tell your parents that we’re friends again? and I realized how much I had been fucking myself around by existing in plain FEAR of parents knowing that I’m friends again with him, why? because of past conditioning where I had been literally threatened of ‘not going to mexico city to study’ If I was with a certain person in my world. So yes, damn
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be conditioned by fear instead of immediately standing up therefore
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself for having existed within fear of telling my parents the truth of me at the moment as seeing A. again because of being fearful of what their reactions might’ve been
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having taken too long to tell my parents that I am seeing A. again because of not wanting to ‘break’ the relationship that is ‘stable’ with them at the moment
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by parents again because of being and spending my time with someone who they don’t like
Though here was what happened. After I had gathered my two sisters and parents in the tv room to watch the video and my sisters were already back into their rooms, I knew that I had to tell them about seeing A. again as I had just realized with A what a chicken coward I was being… and so I reallly REALLY pushed myself in one single moment and said: By the way, I’m seeing A. again. And my mother went haywire as Nooo! problems are coming back again!! and so she said that he’s an ‘awful being’ and that I am going to ‘a hole’ with him and that It seems I can’t leave him etc though I remained calm and said that I can’t be secluding myself within the house and not seeing anyone and that I am actually creating stuff along with him, such as the music in the video being cool for the videos I make. And so she kept on whining though it wasn’t as ‘bad’ as in the past where she’d literally go MAD when talking about A. I said: look, I don’t want to be WITH him as being in a relationship and she said: yes I know! – ‘so?’ I said as saying, what’s the problem then? and she just kept saying that she didn’t want me to be with him the whole time and I said it’s not going to be like that and yeah, mainly her fearing me being with him because of the idea she has of him of the past. I kept on asking her how she’s able to define and judge him that way if she hasn’t talked to him in ages… she said that she doesn’t even care and I said: separatioN!though she really hates his guts and that’s her own problem, fuck knows why. And my father said nothing at all. From the moment the video was over he was just quite and looking kind of introspective in a way, I asked to him what did he think about it? and he said nothing. He said some comment on my video and they both went away.
Later on I realized that the whole deal wasn’t THAT Bad as I had feared so
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of a certain moment when telling my parents that I am seeing A. again existing in fear of having a ‘major problem’ with them and ending up in big discussion or fight
Yes I realized that it is also the way I approached it and because talking with A. I realized that I was just hiding just as If I was a burglar or if I was going to prostitute myself or get drugs or whatever, no, none of that. So why hiding? just because of allowing me to have the past playing out in front of me? Fear has taken the best of me for a Looong time already and today was a cool step to give and to take after I had realized what a coward I have been though I stop the judgment towards myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been judging myself as a coward for existing within and as fear of parents therefore, not applying myself effectively as living out the self forgiveness I had written as stopping fearing the authority as parents
Once I realized that my fears were quite ‘unreal’ I said, fuck, yes, what am i waiting for? Well it felt cool doing it and that was it.
I took a shower and stayed at home but gee, now I seem to have a flu and I have to go back to mexico city tomorrow as I have to deliver these projects and i’m around finals so, ahhh… what a timing. And my sister’s wedding it’s on sat so big movements around here and well, I am not feeling that cool at this very moment, even my stomach is crying out a bit.
Actually it’s already monday but I can’t sleep and I’m here writing
I read about self-nurturing ourselves and I realized how intricately I had been participating within these ideas of body preservation just for the sake of having a certain physical appearance.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having done and practiced yoga in menas of ‘enlightenment’ and making my body look ‘good’ towards others eyes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be using certain kind of creams to ‘preserve’ my skin in a certain way that it doesn’t get ‘damaged’ by the sun
I forgive myself that I have ac cepted and allowed myself for having used vitamins in order to keep me ‘healthy’ and looking ‘good’ as being ‘fit’ in the past
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to desire being healthy by only eating that which I knew would ‘nurture’ my body and not ‘damage’ it by unnecessary elements of food
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘healthy’ everytime I get to eat vegetables after I hadn’t liked them before
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build myself and nurture myself within the ideal of wanting to be healty because of actually fearing ‘going sick’ or ‘having a disease’ while growing up
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misserable everytime I get sick
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for ever having used sex as a way to ‘exercise’ myself and be fit to be able to be liked by my partner
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use sex as ways to nurture myself without realizing that I was merely following my desires and needs that I had created for myself while using my imagination
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for existing in desires and needs that limit myself here because of existing within a certain picture in my mind of what I want to experience within and as sex instead of having sex as self expression in the moment, without any formulas or expectations
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define nurturing as the meals I eat, as the products I use for ‘physical self preservation’ instead of realizing that the starting point of it all is merely shaping and moulding into ‘who i want myself to be and look like’ in order to look ‘good’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having an intoxication at this very moment and having to spend my illness all alone because of not being able to be at home
wow, my body aches!!!
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonour myself and dishonour life as all as one as equal by not living the words I write and speak through self forgiveness on stopping fear against parents authority, therefore allowing myself to hold back in fear and hiding from them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for this circumstance of not having stood up before and waiting until the last moment to do so
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared ‘making my parents angry’ if they knew I was friends with A. again
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only dare to do this by being ‘challenged’ by A. to do so
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘ruining the current peace’ experienced with my parents by them knowing that I’m friends with A. again
Well such a ‘big deal’ I made out of it, just as many other times in my life where I lived out the fears I created because of what my parents, specially my mother had created and installed within me for having certain relationshps in my life which weren’t ‘good’ at her eyes
I forgive myself that I have accpted and allowed myself to fear ‘growing up’ and having to take complete self responsibility for myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having played the blabbering fool as speaking words that I didn’t live out as myself here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to until now be ‘at ease’ by having ‘no secrets’ towards parents therefore, allowing me to exist in fear and hiding from them every time I went to visit A.
WEll it is done now and I should try get some sleep . Thanks for reading