Well it was quite a day rushing here and there to get things done on time for final projects and presentations and all that stuff because ‘holidays’ are around the corner. puaj! I was just having my usual fruit and yogurt moments ago while some happy whistler passed on by with a christmas tune… oh well.

Everything seems to be pointing to us DOING something! Everyone is talking about the apathy that we have and experience towards anything yet today I showed the video I made to people in my class and no one gave a comment or point of view. Well maybe there was nothing else to ask as everything was quite clear this time with the text on… yet, wow, I see how others express themselves with regards to the same topic and I see so many different points of view as people in my class and they were merely ‘getting along’ with the whole ‘I dont’ care’ flow being humoristic or sarcastic about the ‘phase’ we are currently going through. And so I had doubts the stupid doubts as ‘well, what if my video looks like "new agey" and so it merely stays as a ‘light’ video or whatever… and so I had that confrontation that I had around the first year in school where I expected ‘too much’ and wanted to have an ‘excellent’ grade on some metal-wire figure of a man I made wich weighed almost 2 kilos of only metal thread twizzed and curled up to make a sitting man. Well I remember crying the moment I got a nine, I was expecting a 10 with all my might and so I got so disappointed that I left the classroom and cried near the school’s exit. Later on I realized how that piece was ‘imperfect’ though in the moment I just wanted to cry when teacher told me I had a 9.  Well today was different, it wasn’t about expecting a certain grade, fuck no, I was just expecting to get some reactions from my peers and it was ironic how the last shot says: wake up and then everyone -when lights went on – had this ‘huh’ face , I presented it with last semester’s teacher and he played it and he really enjoyed it and wants it for a video festival he’s organizing. he says that he can certainly see a big leap from my last videos to this one which is cool and we discussed a bit the adding of words to it etc. Even HIS students applauded when it ended which was cool though, kind of weird in my class seeing that no one had anything to comment on it.

Well I just talked to A. he crashed his car and I decided to call him and he was just gone when i spoke to him and wanted almsot to die and well i see how a demon took over and just wants to ‘throw away everything’ not giving a damn about anything or anyone, everything being phoney and fake and yeah whatnot… It was odd because minutes even half an hour before I talked to him I had felt this weird pain in the back of my head and I had felt ‘sad’ for a bit not knowing why and then I know of this and other stories that M – yet another guy from my past – was telling me on how he felt ‘sad’ not knowing why when he was in the subway and he overheard a conversation of a mother having a child with cancer and telling him that they didnt’ have any money left and that they didn’t know what to do anymore, with eyes red glowing with desperation, just as M said "having a knot in their existence" and so we see fuckedupness in this world in different levels. A. complains because he’s had to work to pay off things for his car more than once and literally it absorbes a lot of money leaving him dry at times so he’s tired of only working to pay off things for the car and so, tired of being a slave to pay all these things.  And this is something I see everywhere around me.

I got late to my class today and I didn’t get to hear the whole story of my communication teacher on some article that was written on a magazine about my school being apart of the whole National University campus and so it kept on going towards how we get no money resources for our school while the university just spent millions in creating a new super-big museum where we, the supposed ‘creators’ of the county don’t even have access, not even because we are in the same university as that museum, wow. And so there was this guy who is an ‘official artist’ who talked to us how he would gather with other 4 or 5 guys and would participate and work to get any and all kinds of exhibitions available and he said how he is currently having 5 exhibitions around the world and so it was cool seeing people like him and teacher was like TAKE the decision! make a project and ASK for a place to show art! It sounded ‘uplifting’ at the time but then it’s like, well, I’m not sure if only showing the art is a way to stand up, dont’ know and so it all boils down to where and how and what am i doing here to stand up within art and what does it take to be moving myself within this.

It’s odd how I’ve had conversations in a non-physical way with men taht have been part of my life as friends or lovers… V, M, E lol all of them have had an ‘impact’ on me one way or another and it’s curious how I feel like more ‘available’ to talk with them and feel just coola bout it. Months ago I would deliberately hide and not want to communicate with others with whom I shared a common past at times /moments  and sharing our experiences and current views is cool, no different to what I experienced today, no different to feeling adn seeing the indiference that reigns over our ‘times’

A just wanted to ‘take off’ and shave off the responsibility it enatiled having winked and smashed his car against the wall that goes along the highway…. well this is what we are ALL up to.. if we allow ourslves to slip but a moment and crash ourselves on to a wall, and then ALLOW us to get into that turmoil and apparently never-ending hell then we’ll see and realize what we are becoming which isn’t us at all. I saw a demon inside  A and it’s not cool, wants to get done with himself here even though he also knows it isn’t him either.

Well what’ll take, hell is here, we have to get ourselves prepared to not allow ourselves to fall at the least trip.

Thanks, I’m going to sleep now


About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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