Well it was the last day in the workshop as I have already finished what I had to print and it is odd how I almost finished what one would usually do in two semesters in just one so it’s cool and it is a reason for me to keep going to school. On the other had there are still pendant essays due next week etc. puaj and the topic isn’t quite my fascination but I’ll work through it.l
It’s cool also seeing how I got along with people in the workshop so well after just a few months and it’s cool seeing that there is still people willing to help you out when you literally need a hand and so it is a commune way of working because I had been so locked-in my own realm while bein at painting workshop that it literally made me even more closed in my shell. So it’s cool seeing that I’m able to get along with others just like I used to but expanding myself and not trying to only talk to or ‘be friends with’ people that I would ONLY be friends with, nope, all one and equal and this is how expansion begins. Seeing myself all the time in the ‘other’, "wow!, how many faces do I have" though it is to focus on myself here.
I had another encounter with a friend from the past, a friend from first year of school and it was really cool as I wanted to talk with him again. J was like a mirror of mysel back then: both were a bit sour and pessimistic and kind of the ‘dark souled’ people lol, devouring books and talking about movies and music and how ‘pathetic’ life is. So he was my buddy and then, because of one time where his ego literally reached heaven and back, he was kind of bashing my work while a final project development and so of course at that time I took it "completely personal" and almost cried and told everyone how meaan he was etc,, lol, never realized: hey marlen, it’s got nothing to do with you but himself and his experience currently. So we ‘split up’ and we stopped talking to each other in a rather abrupt way.
Then he kept on wanting to talk to me and me and my huge ego would refuse to do so, as always…. this same situation has happened to me more than thrice in my life. First "friends" get mad at me, I try to explain myself and ask for ‘forgiveness’ for what I had supposedly done, they refuse, their egos won’t allow them. So I would just stop talking to them, then they would realize how inflated their egos had been and beg for forgiveness and so I would usually say, ok it’s ok, no worries, though nothing would ever be the same, and that’s a fact. WEll sort of like the same thing happened with him though I encountered him and invited him over to my house to eat and we had cool conversation and I was just telling him how I had have these casual encounters with the other guys in my life and he said: "well it’s cool seeing that you’ve made a mark on people, because they all still like/love you the same way…" To me it was weird him saying that and he put his hand over mine and just said I missed you too a lot! and he is rather the tough/ closed/ half dark guy who wouldn’t just say things like that whenever he pleases… it takes a lot of him to do such gestures and so it was cool him opening up and one thing that I enjoy from all the ‘relationships’ I had is that they knew that talking with me would be getting a dive deep deep down into the core of their experience, of themselves. They knew that I was never up for the superficial talk and whatnot, nope, I would enjoy very much digging in ourselves while talking and exchanging our experience in our life, I see that I had been wanting to establish myself as being honest and always talking things just the way they are, though at this time it’s even MORE fun because I say and experess myself freely not really ‘over thinking’ and ‘over analyzing’ reactions on the other as I used to in the past. So this is an advance, this way I reckon that you can’t just face yourself alone, participating and interacting with others is the real test for you to stand up because otherwise, I would just be like a frucking buddha sitting in my couch on the net and do nothing. Well let’s keep myself going on this way… I see that whenever I pull out common sense and self honesty points people agree and that is way cool because it feels as if these people are in the ‘same wave’ as me, meaning, being aware of what is going on and have always been aware so it isn’t hard to talk to people I’ve related to and currently still relate to.
Interaction is cool when you still keep yourself stable and not desire hooking or hanging on to something or someone in specific, merely interacting with yourself and also try to have fun. I know that I am a kind of humoristic kind, a sour humor at times, lol, but I enjoy sharing this attitude and I see that it’s not for the sake of making people happy or content for a while, but it’s me jsut expressing freely and if that makes others laugh along with me then : it’s coool! it’s like a chain reaction and who knows what effect it might have. I see that humor is a way to aliviate pressures as well, so we have to use what we got, words to make fun of ourselves of our situatio nin a certain specific daily life reality.
I went a bit to school in the afternoon and saw that people were gathering up for a graduation celebration. All I thought is: would I get to have one? lol well I won’t worry much about the future at the moment and focus here and what needs to be done. It was certainly cool seeing J. again and having a chat just like we used to. It’s fun also ‘cutting the shit’ when i don’t allow myself to go into mind wonderings as we both used to imagining "What is time?" or "What are we doing here?" or any kind of religious or spiritual idea we had, we were both really into that merely staying in the mindfuck wondering of something else so I keep it simple: all we are is here and that’s it.
Then I went to take my video to last semester’s teacher for him to play it in a video-festival at school and when I got there with J. my ex-teacher said to him: she’s now an accomplished video-maker! lol I just laughed but yeah I guess he likes it and it’s cool that he will play it for more and more people to watch. yay! and that was it.
Came home and signed a bunch of etching copiesI made and well, I’m up to leave to homecity tomorrow. Sister’s wedding is on saturday and oh boy, it will be an event… there are already germans and americans around there so it’ll be cool meeting with them again after long time of not seeing them.
Well also: thanks to all those who read this and your comments: Bella, Carolina, Leila, Martjin, and you if you don’t comment but also read, yeah anyone reading thanks! yep I can’t reply to you in your comments to thank so I do it HERE