I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become greatly irritated while realizing that my mother still dislikes/ hates A. and the fact that I’m with him again
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I should ‘give up on everything’ just because of still having problems with mother because of me being with A.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up anger while listening to her creating lies about ‘stuff that I learn from A’ such as yelling at her when in fact, it is merely me exerting my resentment towards her for her unjustified hate/ dislike towards A.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become over-reactive such as being too exalted and/ or angry while discussing with A. on personalities, drugs, oneness and equality and my application with regards to desteni material
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel offended when he described me according to the objects I use for my life, therefore, that serve me and define me such as laptop, camera, cellphone as basics for me to do what I do and ‘be’ who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry by being defined by someone by my ‘possessions’ such as a laptop, cellphone and camera because of believing that ‘I couldn’t live without them’ according to A.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the internet to get online everyday to be ‘connected’ with the world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give extreme worth and value to all and everything that exists in this hard disk and this laptop in itself as being an indispensable tool for me to live
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having yelled and cursed to defend my point of view towards this world and its current situation as being fucked up
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become offended when A. said that I sound rather bitter while talking about this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everything personally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still get pissed because of my mother thinking that A. is still the little trouble kid he was 20 years ago
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire yelling at her and making her aware that I didn’t learn such ‘manners’ as yelling to her from him but from my own anger towards her
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have anger towards her for not accepting A. and for still wanting to control my life within controlling who I go out with
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give head to thoughts of anger towards my mother and want to yell at her to let her know that she’s fucking nuts thinking that I am learning ‘bad’ things from A.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yell and become angry to defend a point of view towards someone
I just realized how I I’m imperative, I want to impose myself and my current view of life on to someone and this is something that has lead me to many discussions with either parents or people as A. I really hadn’t noticed this like that until today while having this discussion with A. with regards to him still smoking weed – without any plans to give up – because he claims that if he wouldn’t smoke weed he wouldn’t be making the music he’s making and he wouldn’t be the person he currently is and so, he still claims that it has made him someone good at what he does. . . wow I see what little credit he gives for himself and within that, creates the belief that everything is owned by the plant. Well then we talked about parents and how he says that I would be very ingrateful if one day I would just l eave like that because of what they are doing to get me an education and take care of me. Fuck how doesn’t he see that it is all a vile contract where parents want you to be this and that so they can be proud of you as ‘being the ones that created you’, kind of a god complex but yeah I couldn’t discuss this anymore as there are many many things that I cannot discuss from the point of view that comes from actually KNOWING what we really are within this world. He says that ‘I cannot know if it’s true’ and whatnot. I see how it bothers me to the deep core-bone of myself when someone ‘dares’ to say that what I’m currently doing is bullshit and that I cannot believe in everything they say because I haven’t seen it such as the dimensions, reincarnations, what happens after death etc etc all that isn’t visible to our eyes yet, it’s just something that to me IS and there’s no faith involved or belief, it’s as if I already knew it and it’s just confirming the information of the already known sitaution but I cannot explain this withouth him or anyone else thinking that it’s a belief. Ah like the day of the wedding, waking up I had a discussion with my parents and sister bvecause of them not wanting me to go to SA if I’m able to go next year because they don’t want me to travel all alone, they fear that I’m kindnapped or raped or whatnot – yes that’s what hollywood leaves in the minds of the masses- and so I got so bloody angry because of ‘how they dare! to even still doubt of something like the farm and desteni and everything else. It seems completely stupid for me that they still have such doubts lingering around their heads and them not supporting me within this, within wanting to travel there. Grr
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become angry when I get questioned about what desteni is and what the farm is and doubts towards it all being ‘fake’
Really they all speak bcause they just can’t see for themselves and/or they can’t understand what it’s been said in any of the documents and/ or videos… something quite similar happend with A. and he said that I cannot do what ‘they tell me to’ and my ideas on what is to sleep less according to info I’ve read and all so it was ‘challenging’ my current way of living and I got fired up by certain assumptions
It was a day of a lot of talking. I went and drew in the morning and my hands were kind of freezing but I really enjoyed doing so. Then I came here and spent time talking on the phone with Y. my friend on how he feels that he’s betraying himself by keeping himself not doing anything while knowing that what he’s doing isn’t cool and that isn’t doing any ‘good’ on him. We also discussed points on how social relationships will have to change in order to new ones that take ‘the other’ as ourselves as well. It was very very cool tal king with someone that realizes this point and it’s even amazing how still peopel doubt that we are all the same. So I thought that is cool to be with such people that are in contact with more people in other countries that are realizing the same thing through their own political studies and realizations when it comes to PRACTICAL application of all that sociologists and theorists develop at schools. So I enjoyed talking with this but also realized that too much talking and idealizing is the same as doing nothing because we still have no practical way of making this a reality.
Then at lunch time I went to eat alone with my father and I began talking about economy and thew orld system and I asked: what would you do to create an equal situation and opportunity for money for everyone in life? He said that he would create jobs in order for people to have one and be able to sustain themselves. He always ‘taught’ us in a way that he helps people through finding them jobs when he’s able to or give them something to do so he can later give them money as a payback such as people that sometimes get to his door in the office and asks for money just like that and so he decidest to ask them to sweep the entrance or clean something, though he appreciates when people directly come offering to clean something in the house in exchange for some money. Quite a difference because the sencond person has the complete will to do somethign in order to earn money so he supports that.
My reply to his idea of creating more businesses or industries in order to create jobs was within the fact that we cannot keep on producing more pollution otherwise, yeah it would suck to have everyone working in all these new industries taht create such an extensive amount of pollution and from there being it too late to realize, hey what’s the point in having lots of money if we cannot enjoy the wolrd as it is because of pollution. Quite a big deal
Then I came her eand went to see A with whom I had chats with regards to his gf almost making him choose over having me in his life or her and so it was qiute a fuck up and I realized how possessive human beings may come although I know, from first hand and personal experience thtat jealousy and possession are sick and are merely responding to an ideal, an apparent need to have control and possession over someone so I think they won’t last that long becuase he stands for his freedom although he is still dependent on a weed to exist. Then from there all the discussions on relationships came about and then my ‘ stuff’ such as the videos and well it was quite a deal though I realized how I always want people that are around me to think like me and to realize the same I’ve been realizing for almost the whole year and I realize how tough it is also to communicate with someone that isn’t aware that YOU are NOT your FEELINGS and EMOTIONS and all that we already know and have proven by our own experience. Wow, really I hadn’t confronted myself with the ‘real world’ by commnicating with people that aren’t informed of what we are and how we work etc…
Yes we talked on stuff from clothes to his sexual practices with his gf, to who I was in the past as a darkie emoish kid and how I wouldn’t be able to dress like that anmore because I would definitely feel awkward, then on to him saying that he knows more than I because of his age and yeah I mean I just said that I wouldn’t disuss on that anymore because of almost not being able to communicate when someone still claims needing someone for inspiration to come and be able to play, oh no oh well…
and this is it for today want to sleep but I’ll sure dig out MORE there a lot I saw tihin myself and this discussions.