I said yesterday: How difficult it is to deal with humans
Lol, it is really because I hadn’t experienced myself having an in-depth conversation where I faced myself along with A. We both brought up points within ourselves that are simply just fuck-ups within our ways to express and live our lives.
I criticized his smoking of pot and how I still sarcastically laugh when he says that it gives him the inspiration to play or whatever because then the song ‘I wanna get stoned’ comes to my head. And really, see this point, to me it’s a two-way situation because I don’t know if I should just abide with someone that is and will be smoking pot for the rest of his days and not supporting himself into facing himself even though he says and claims that the reasons why he smokes pot are completely ‘different’ to that of others, it’s still the same old shit. WE discussed how that accident he had was because he had taken a drug that made him sleepy and that’s why he crashed onto a wall in the highway. He recognized how stupid that decision was but he claimed that he had ‘free time’ and yes, I think it’s not even needed to explain all the possible reasons and excuses one would have to do such a thing. I said it was fucking sad that the reason for such an accident was a fucking drug. Oh well. I also explained that smoking pot is like being on anti-depressants and explained the hare and elephant example I think Jack or weed itself made meaning, both creating the same effect within the human body but with a different speed meaning, the weed doing and having the same effect but in a much longer process. He remained quiet but he also had problems of hyperactivity when he was a kid and claimed that if he didn’t smoke he would still be hyperactive and completely apprehensive/ altered etc. Which I know is able to be corrected but not when one is thinking that ‘that’s the way you are’ and that there’s no way to stop it or fix it by yourself.
He also explained how he felt lonely and/or depressed and also explained how depression is also a way of being that one chooses and allows yourself to be and that it’s about deciding to have the ‘time’ to be within that and so, believing that such emotions and feelings are you and that ‘it is the way you are’ not realizing that it even might be part of your programming within the DNA and not even realizing that it isn’t really you. Then he claimed that sometimes he enjoyed it. I ended up saying that it is up to him. These are the situations when I realize to which point and extent I am able to talk with someone and the whole bareer is not having the determination to stop even if he does suffer or feel bad being all by himself – yes his family is not here and both parents have split up and far away, no close family members because he dedicated himself to reject them and so now he feels alone and is the one that seeks for them.
Another point is my fervient desire of chaning the world still existing and so I concluded that I can only change myself and do this for myself because I realize what communicating about these situatins with another being becomes like. It’s tough from the perspective of taking too much into consideration, beginning with the fact that my current perspective and/or view of the world has changed entirely from a source of information that becomes completely awkward and truly ‘out of this world’ for the average human being living in this world. So within that, it is to make the information as digestible as possible because it is true, there are things that I haven’t seen or experienced such as death and reincarnation though, I do not need to believe in that to realize that it is common sense to see the situation of this world and how it currently works and extending that to the afterlife. It is about sticking to the practical part of it. Indeed, I’m arranging a meeting with an guy I met some 4 years ago and will directly discuss desteni with him because he’s interested to know about it though, yet again, language is a problem because he doesn’t speak/ understand english that well so it will be another situation to confront myself with another being in communicating this without me pushing too hard into making it ‘my truth’ but a common sense view of this world. I’ve seen that even with other beings with whom I have communicated for short periods of time it all makes sense but still, there are people that refuse to give up the squared room of their heads towards expansion and realization that all is one and equal. I cannot have oneness and equjality as an idea/ ideal but it is and will be a process of self realization.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so intricately desire and still want to change the world without realizng that I first have to change myself and work with myself to live in self honesty
I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated while communicating with people when they claim to respect my ideas but still, don’t ‘believe’ what I’m saying is real.
How can oneness and equality become a ‘belief? this was quite a shock yesterday for me because I don’t know what it takes to think that we are all not the same. . . wow.. simply speechless, what’ll take ? having blue blood? lol I mean, I guess that I will just let people be and only focus on the ones that are willing to see by and within themselves what I’m talking about. Speaking and communicating is useless when there is a definitive barreer to even dig within and ask yourself the kind of stuff that I usually bring up in conversations.
Another thing is that more than one person has told me that I sometimes take things TOO seriously and that I become bitter by things that I cannot solve first hand myself such as when I talk about the fuckedupness within this world. First usual reaction – I repeat, more than once this has happened – is people saying I become bitter/ aggressive/ sarcastic/ angry and PESSIMISTIC to which I reply: "no, I’m just being realistic" and it’s true but we all know how people don’t desire to hear the truth, the raw in-your-face kind of truth.
What else? Yes he said he loved me and he chose me over his current gf because he enjoys being with me although I claimed that I do not wish or desire him to get used to me, and that I’m not even the ideas or the personality he thinks I am. Fuck this was the moment when i realized: it’s true, we are together because we ‘think’ similar in a way or we think that we are similar but in fact we are ALL similar, it’s only mind relationship.
After that long talk of about an hour I said, well much was said but in the end it’s also nothing. He asked, how come nothing? I said yes, because it is all words and ideas, nothing really come true as being in this reality – beause of how we talked on our ‘personal’ definitions and lives and ideas and thoughts and I know that none of that is really needed as who we are doesn’t even need to be explained or understood. It just IS that’s why I said, yes, let’s just Let it BE – meaning, stopping the esthetic confrontation of deciding what’s preetty/ugly, good or bad and all that shite that divides. In this we both agree though I see that there’s still huge refusal coming from him to realize that he’s not his thoughts, feelings and emotions because he would then feel ‘completely dead’ as he bases his life according to what he lives and the emotiones he creates to be a ‘creative’ person. Oh deer, I do wonder if this is the way I have to keep existing, being with someone who doesn’t see the obvious and defends his intake of drugs and whatnot. He’s got other cool applications within his life but the main ones aren’t alright beginning with the usual weed ingestion.
Also the resistance by my parents – specifcially mother – still exists whenever I go to his house etc. Well the point that really hit me is being apparently SELFISH for not wanting to share myself with another as spending time with him unconditionallly. I mean it’s cool to have these discussions because I see what others perceive me like in specific situations a.k.a. defending my points of view and wanting everyone to stick to that ‘truth’ which I realize that it’s mine and I just will share it if/when someone asks me like this guy that I will be meeting in a near future to discuss this process with.
I recognize that I do become too rude and aggresive towards people such as parents or friends when wanting them to see and realize a point within them but it is also quite an aggresive way where I know that I am becoming angry just by trying to defend my point instead of allowing the words speak for themselves, then there would be no need to defend any point.
I take words literally. I explained how the words you speak are the words you are – the truth of yourself – and so I do not take shit like dramas coming from reactions after a shock like having a car accident and saying that none of this life is worth anything – implying that his life is worthless – and that he just wanted to drop out everything. These were his reactions while he was still high after having crashed his car and me not knowing that he’d taken a fucking drug. Oh wow, see what drugs do, kids? This is the shit that happens when you suppress yourself into wanting to literally forget about the flesh and bone and that you are in this skin robe having to face yourself every moment.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I’m grateful for all these sitautions as I am really confronting/facing myself amongst others this way and not living in complete ‘holy bliss’ as if everything is alright, nope, I see deceptioni n myself and others as mind thoughts and opinions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my thoughts, feeelings and emotions define and separate me from m yself as all as one as equal.
I do not accept myself to be defined and identified by the thoughts as perceptions within this world of this world that I might have and that I want to ‘extend’ to others to make them SEE not realizing that I cannot change anyone unless they have their own will to do it
ok if more comes out, I’ll write.
enjoy the day