Hej well had quite a day yesterday as I followed a fuicked up desire to see my ex boyfriend and meet with him and eventually having some interaction with him that involves no clothes and all that stuff but really, all I could experience was myself just there but it wasn’t like ‘the past times’ at all, I see how my mind worked to get the whole thing ‘going on’ and therefore creating my experience in the moment. Please, two human beings being naked and doing stuff is just a normal thing. I really experienced myself no different inside as being having a shower or being watching a movie or something, meaning, no real mind-set up as ‘oh i’m in a sexy-situation and I get horny’ nope. This is BIG change within me and this is something that I’ve been noticing. So I recognize that I went to meet with him because I wanted to be with him again though I crashed against my own desires while noticing that I do not feel anything about it anymore, nope. All that ‘rush’ that I had while being with him is gone. Wow, I can see how it really was us getting high on weed and creating the ‘love thoughts’ which made us feel the way we did and therefore, made us believe that ‘we were in love’. Gee, it’s like I spent a year and a half with that guy with regular sex life – exhausting sex life – and I was just there with him for few hours and I just wanted to stop, yes I fell in my own trap but I see that is a cool thing to do because now I see where my mind leads me and what the real experience is. In a way I felt fucked up by following desire for sex – which I didn’t even accomplish as I didn’t want to in the end – and it also was seeing how I’ve changed since I was with G. – ex former boyfriend – and well, seeing that he has been my very first and only true relationship, it was ‘cool’ experience but I couldn’t ever be with someone like that in those situations ever again. Nope. I do not care about sex anymore as I used to, fuck nooo and it’s so cool to realize. I see how I do not even desire experiencing myself within a relationship like that where sex is merely the bond that tightens up tie and where seeing each other as the ‘ideal one’ is merely a great fuck up. Nooo, wow really because If i would’ve been writing my usual journal 3/4 years ago or a bit more, I would be writing on my desires, my seemingly never-ending desires to get into a relationship, to feel loved, to be loved, lol I remember Enki or Enlil’s quote "to be raised by the hand of love" lol, and how I wanted to be ‘special’ for someone. Now that a someone tells me that I’m special for them it’s like, lol, ok cool, but it doesn’t change who I am really. It’s all becoming ‘the same’ in a way. It’s not indifference but it’s about seeing what happens around me as words that define not creating a definitive effect on me, and the ones that do, oh yes SF like the ones I explained in the last couple of days.
For example, A asked me today: Aren’t you going to have a boyfriend anytime soon? And I said: nope, not a boyfriend as a relationship. I’m only up to an agreement with another man that is up to doing and committing himself to not allow ourselves to be any less than who we really are, supporting ourselves as one and equal. Lol he had a bit of a confused face and he said: ah you want him to do as you do, controler! I said: no, because there are men willing and committing themselves to this as well and this agreement isn’t only about ‘liking’ the person but just abiding with someone to walk with " and so that was it. And it’s true, yikes I wouldn’t like to be in such a relationship where sex and mind-fueled emotions create the apparently ‘perfect’ world of lovers. NOpe that would suck a LOT and I cannot see myself. This is the cool point that after the apparent ‘temptation’ the truth of myself comes in and so I realize that I cannot ‘fall’ as I cannot give my back on to life at all. And yes, all those images and pictures as ‘what it used to be’ are merely ILLUSIONS people, really they come and go like wind that blows. It also feels damn good being sober, being myself not having any kind of alternate version of my reality within these situations. NOt changing if someone is telling you ‘oh you’re beautiful’ and actually thinking that it is real. I instead kept on saying: i’m merely hollographic 3d image, he said 4d as there is time implied as well..’ and yes, the flesh and bones I am doesn’t stand the test of time and I do not give any worth or value to who I am as a picture presentation, but merely realize that I am this for the m oment, as I stand and walk through this in the world we are.
I also see – once again – how fucked up relationships get within other’s experiences while breaking up and ‘wanting to go back together’ and whatnot which is merely following their fears of ‘hurting the other’ and ‘not wanting to be alone’ Really, there is people that is addicted to the feeling of depression and solitude, people that will prefer suffering only to ‘feel alive’ wow, how low have we gotten in tihs world to create pain and suffering on purpose through thoughts on personal relationships in order to feel as if one is really here living… and oh no, you cannot take their ’emotions and feelings’ away from them otherwise, they wouldn’t be alive! lol.
I realized that there’s only so far one can go into someone’s life in order to show themselves the way to see and face themselves. If one is not willing to give up something and really dare to see, nothing will change and they might even prefer to get fucked up by their own decisions than actually stopping and doing something to REALLy SEE for the first time, to see themselves outside of one’s own mind bubble. How tought this seems for people, how fearful the mind and making believe that we are the mind. I still see this and yes the much read quote by B. ‘opinions destroy what’s REAL’ and it’s just plain true. So after all this tempations I followed and feeling like a dump bag because I followed my desires, i see that after the fuck up there was a lot of realizations as I saw how I experienced myself within a similar situaton to that of the past where I used to charge up my mind with all sorts of thoughts that made me enjoy and feel apparently alive. Nope. Touch is touch, skin and bones IS only skin and bones. WHen you delete the desire it’s just me touching me and that’s it. THough here the deal is what the other person experienced, that is another story because he did speak of emotions and yeah I could guess how ‘it felt’ though i said that he wasn’t those emotions, only the flesh and bones …. well it’s ‘hard to grasp’ when one is so addicted to creating the experience through the mind instead of taking physicality as physicality, not any other experienced fueled by memories or any other thoughts. The bottom line of these observations while communicating with others is that everyone tries to make of their life ‘the best experience’ possible as to ‘feel alive’. People count their life on the amount of girls/men they’ve fucked, how many liters of alcohol they’ve gotten to ‘handle’ in one intake, how many parties they’ve gone, how much money and possessions they’ve accomplished, how many lovers they’ve had, possessions and all kinds of stuff that merely represents the fear to just BE and not be defined by any external situation. Wow, I mean I’m not completely ‘over’ all of the above but I’m certainly acknowledging that all those things that supposedly make someone ‘ALIVE’ isn’t LIFE for REAL – not at all – and it is such a simple yet such a life-changing perspective that takes more than knowing to really grasp. It takes placing that into application and testing and compromising yourself to live in self honesty. Wow it is said in such an easy way though it involves the consideration of all as one as equal, giving up all of the personal ideas, perceptions of life of something. Lol I was saying yesterday to these guys: Imagine! Life has become a CONCEPT wooo.. how low can we get? Yes… and life can be price tagged and life can be messured in human standards, I guess it’s obvious whose creational fuck up it was : yes, ourselves, all of us – no exceptions –
In other topics I attended to a traditional pre-christmas mexican ‘party’ called Posada and it has to do with jesus christ stuff though lol, all the religious stuff is almost gone and only the food and party remains. THe deal is how it all has become MONEy like they made you pay a fee at the entrance and me and my friend Y. thought: oh ok they’ll give us something to eat or something by paying this fee but oh no, we get in and realize that meals were ‘sold separatedly’ inside and with not so ‘cheap’ prices. Wow, what a business it was and Y. said: I feel cheated! and then the activities continued developing as we ate our poorly served dishes and it all was so …. how could I say? plainly made to get some money and make those rich people even more rich. Wow, I really agreed going there because of being the company for Y. yet, we both laughed and laughed as we saw how we had spent quite an amount of money for such an ‘experience’. This is something I was also analyzing and also within art where there aren’t even solid objects sold but merely experiences sold and sometimes life becomes merely a payment to get an experience that makes you a part of a ‘something’ and eventually ‘recognize that you are alive’. Wow. another low point we’ve gotten to.
There are many many topics I would like to discuss like how alcohol and drugs fuck up the entire humanity as both are socialy accepted ways to ‘be cool’ and ‘be part of a group that has fun a.k.a. experiences "life"’ and it is such a clever way to enslave from poor to rich people, from youngsters that have the curiosity to see how it feels to get drunk or high to the oldest that have spent their life as junkies/ alcoholics and are merely ‘going through the day’ to get another fix. It really becomes the life of many people in this world and it’s sick using the word life as all these bunch of experiences that are hollow and no respect for life itself, for how could a deliberate starting point of numbing oneself a Life consideration. G. told me stories of youngsters that are couples and get drunk and get extremely jealous and aggresive towards one another and where even the family is involved with the same kind of violence and/or aggression towards another. As I heard these words and storeis I see how there is just SO m uch to take into consideration, from what seems ‘far away from us’ becuase of not being part of our personal world, to that which is apparently ourselves and we do not want to face to see who we really are within those concepts and ideas.
I went to have meal with parents today and my mother brought up stories when I was a child and I used to be asking about everything, wanting to know about everyone’s life and how it all worked, and if it didn’t ‘worked’ then why didn’t it work therefore, being a girl with a bunch of inquieries and basically acting all eager to knowledge and information on my surroundings, being aware of everything/ everyone that was ‘in my world’ at that time. Hmm interesting lol, I was such a kid.
I walked around downtown for some time carrying a big bad with some seeds and fruits I bought and I was getting kind of tired by the weight of it though, I thought of all the men and women that carry even more weight on their shoulders when they have transport their goods or merchandises from one place to another in long distances. I’ve also been more ‘in touch’ with seen physical bodies and how it supports ourselves, how it gets tired, how it gets all the tension from our own thoughts and activities, how it unconditionally moves along with ourselves and we take it for granted sometimes not nourinshing ourselves and not taking ourselves AS our body into consideration.
And how am I experiencing myself? Well let’s say that every moment I see/ hear or experience something to take into consideration towards embracing it as myself. I have a ‘hard time’ with my mother for example, she’s quite a … let’s say picky person and so I sometimes ‘crash’ against her points of vew so
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and believe in separation created by my mother’s ideas and opinions instead of realizing that no one is their opinions and views on life and that I am one and equal to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother’s attitude and usual way of ‘being’ not realizing that I am merely projecting my discomfort that I have towards her because of her disapproval onto people that I want to be with
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience general discomfort while being around my mother because of how she reacts and the gestures/ words she makes and says when i mention A’s name
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as someone ‘mean’ for discriminating someone by past deeds and experiences
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my thoughts as desires to be with my ex-boyfriend and having physical contact and therefore, experiencing and being the manifestation of desire for sex
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for experiencing disappointment when realizing that ‘nothing will ever be the same’ as I used to be and how I used to experience myself around G.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comparing one man against the other while being with G.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for ever having felt ‘special’ in someone’s life just by them considering me ‘beautiful’ or ‘great woman’ within their considerations and thoughts as ‘who i was’ within their life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation as the liking better of a person due to mind identification and/or physical preferences
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for a moment feel ‘dead’ while not experiencing the exiting experience of having a contact with a male physically.
I finally translated the originally spanish-made video called Despierta and so here it is Wake Up which was made as a personal -common view on standing up for life within our world and our current situation within a personal perspective as being this young girl in this world and realizing what is is that I really am within it all. So Yes, this video in spanish will probably be in some festival at school so it’s going to be cool to show it to more people and now that it is in english, it will get to more people as well.
Ok so enjoy! And for those reading in Multiply, here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPuSkRJUik0