So I had quite a full-of-thoughts as insight day because of an early morning confrontation with A. while I discussed something that happened yesterday where he deliberately hid to me some stuff about him being back with his gf after we’ve talked on what she’d done on to him and how he was convinced to not go back with her again etc and me warning him that I wouldn’t say anything because couples would usually get back together and then I’d be standing like a fool having defend ‘my friend’ and having an opinion about it and as he had said that ‘he wasn’t that kind of person’ I said ok and let it go, though he did go back with her and was afraid of my reaction and opinion on him after realizing that he indeed was that kind of person, lol, oh well here we go. I just got quite serious and angry at him for hiding stuff from me as If I was some kind of authority within his life and he said that inded he cares a lot about what I say and/or think about him to which I said that It isn’t my intention at all and that I do not wish to be this kind of inffluence within his life though he says he knows why he listens to me and why he cares so much on what I have to say or think on what he does within his life experience. He said how ‘one cannot decide what one is to another person’s life’ and so it is really odd how things might get out of hand when I cannot decide whether I am ‘special’ or ‘not special’ in someone’s life no matter if I just try to be just another.-one within one’s life. Then, once again, claimed to be very sensitive person and hurt by his fears towards money situation and having enough to keep going, having his usual work going on etc and these ideas on committing suicide with which he has usually flirted around for years never really even daring to even try to end up with his life. I explained how this ideas aren’t him and that he has to stop torturing himself with that as he is not his mind as thoughts/ feelings/ emotions but he is such a tough bone that said that how can I know this? and that these are ‘my beliefs’ and that to him it isn’t something that ‘just is’ because it’s something that I merely believe on. I said it’s how I have experienced this myself as stopping this within me and not participating within them and -for example- not allowing myself to suffer. . . though he still relies too much on emotions and feelings and it’s such a drag because he doesn’t completely refuse to this but he gets in the kind of shock I probably got at the beginning when I first watched desteni videos and realized that I am not my mind or anything that is created by it. This seemed too much for him at the moment so I just had to breathe and stop the information because he complained that he absorbs info too fast and that it was already affecting him as making him ‘unhappy’ etc… gee he excused himself by saying that he isn’t mature enough – or something like that – to grasp this and says that he respects the stuff I ‘believe’ in and that I’m too tough to handle this but that he’s too sensitive and can’t. You know, guys, the usual mind shock when realizing : "oh geezuz fuck no! I don’t exist! " lol, wow it IS quite a system shocker. He complained that I just let all of this flow out of my mouth withour realizing that I’ll easily leave him thinking on this while I go back to my house to do my own stuff… lol this actually means that I left him thinking.
We discussed for hours, like 2 hours of hot face to face discussions on his relationship, on our situation as friends and our ‘relationship’ and desteni stuff and the never ending weed topic which I just want to leave aside while talking with him because I’ve already explained what it does, what it creates and I know that he won’t stop smoking because it’s become as water for him and I explained how fervient weed defensors are and how tired I am of speaking the same over and over . He claimed to be ‘offended’ by the particular song of ‘McKenna is my Henna’ and some quotes I sang of ‘I wanna get stoned’ because for him it’s like this ‘bridge’ to play music and be one with music and whatnot, yes what we all know though he also claims that he is a hyperactive person and that he used to take medication as a kid to ease his life and that weed allows him to do the same and be calm etc. Well, to be honest he’s got some points within his smoking behaviour though it also has become a mere maintaining of a certain state of ‘being’ within smoking that frequently. So I said that I wasn’t going to say anything else because I know – by first hand – how peopel defend this habit with their own lives as all those comments I sometimes get in my 21 days of no weed video of people that claim that I’m too bitter without smoking lol. I have to see myself within this bitterness situation because he claimed that I sometimes look like too bitter for being angry at the world – or so it seems to his own eyes – about the fuckedupness within it and how I am becoming bitter by this. Well I must recognize that I do take things way TOO personal and how sometimes It is as if my own attitued as being ‘angryly -.assertive’ within my attitud would change people’s perspectives and reactions within this world. He claims that us stopping our feelings and emotiosn are doing something that will merely divide and separte us even more. To him it is important to feel the union that, for example, music creates as being a universal language. I said it isn’t about not feeling but not allowing feelings to control you or thoughts just like those suicidal thougths that are created from the mind therefore, not who he really is but then he goes back to say: according to who? that is a belief … and so it is almost never ending situation. He did asked forgiveness for having lied and I explained how I am going to be and share myself with someone that is able to be honest with himself in a way of being the words he speaks and he says taht I ask for too much… lol, how tough is for people to do this and that’s why i said that there were relatively few of us really up to giving our ‘lives’ up into realizing ourselves as one and equal.
He says that he enjoys being with me because he cares and loves the human being, he cares about life and says that not so many people are willing to give some of their ‘time’ to be with another, tos hare themselves with another and it’s true. He’s almost always ‘available’when you just want to spend some time with him though, he still won’t give up smoking and it’s become a closed topic even though he still wants to defend it and feels threatened and hurt by songs that talk about it.
Well i cannot write about all the stuff we wrote but I really got to see many points and discuss and be quite straight with stuff that I had probably wanted to say and confront with him for years! I mean some of this topics I wouldn’t have been able to discuss 4 years ago and it’s cool that we’re both ‘grown up’ to be able to face these points and I see how necessary it is for me to have someone that knows me from back then to see how I’ve grown into awareness and grown up as bieng more ‘mature’ if one could say into realizing that earthly desires are merely fictions that give a shallow meaning to life and how we are both interested in ‘loving humanity’ in his words and in mine – being one and equal or as I explain, considering yourself within the other one. We got everything cleared up and so he ended up making some cool music, we had some eggs with tomato as breakfast and that was it. I am SO facing my past within this relationship, I am facing myself and my weak points as still becoming angry/bitter while wanting someone to see their own deception instead of talking here as the breath, lol I mean he said that my angry face really hurt him and he even went to get a mirror to put it infront of me to see how I look when I get angry at him explaining his own deception etc. ANother point is becoming bitter by realizing the real situatin wijthin this world, yes I explained it is part of being realistic though I see that becoming bitter is adding bitterness to the world and therefore not cool at all so this has to stop because, being bitter is merely a reflection of the frustration to be effectively doing something within this world to stop the situation not realizing that by being bitter I am adding it up to the fuckedupness within the world. So quite something to explore within me, but it could also all be projections of himself on to me, lol. though I do agree that I get over-excited on talking about these topics.
I went to have some coffee with friend Y. met other people and saw myself within meeting new people and how I immediately sem to know ‘what they are about’ by watching their reactions and way of acting etc, oh deer, I’ve been that way since forever I think. I also saw how they are used to drinking wine or having a drink as a social way of being with another and so by saying that I do not drink it’s as if I’m placing a barreer on to them, lol, well the topic really has been the place and role of drugs and alcohol and how people see them… I do agree that not everyone takes them for the same reasons and/or starting point though I do not consider myself ready enough to distinguish within starting points and all that stuff and I do not have an intention to get back to any drug or alcohol, though I see how I judge people that do drink or smoke weed or take drugs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judgmental towards people that dcide to drink alcohol as means to exist within this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judgmental towards people that decide to smoke weed as a way to express themselves in this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I have to fight against drug users and alcoholics within this world
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am ‘pure’ because I do not take drugs or drink alcohol anymore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to fear being becoming bitter by the way I currently lead and live my life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and sadness combined as an expression of bitterness whenever I explain a situation that is currently existing within this world because I think it is a way to create awareness within others not realizing that bitterness isn’t the way to be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having felt offended while being defined as bitter by A.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when A. claimed that we have never ever really ‘made love’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created illusions within our ‘relationsihp’ in the past as being in love and having loved him
Yes the love thing is quite a fuck up and I’m just confused within the situatin of fearing holding back to express my affection towards him in fear of creating a bond or a relationship that I know it’s already there though it is as if I’m also scared to demonstrate that I do care about him because let’s be honest, If I’ve realized something is that he’s quite an important piece within the puzzle of my life, not even a piece but a someone that goes along with me to go ‘solving’ the puzzle and I see how it’s affection beyond a physical way, it’s a walking along with someone even though we aren’t in a relationship or a agreement. He pleaded me to accept him the way he is, with his ‘virtues’ and his fuck ups as his current decisions to be in a relationship that isn’t flawless and his intake of weed etc. He claims that I just want to be by myself all alone and that sometimes people do want to spend time with me. I don’t know at the m oment it is quite a ‘load’ when one realizes the power of words, the power I have to change someone’s mind, someone’s opinion on life just like that, the power that anyone has the moment we speak of something that touches every single human being’s core as it is common sense and so, it relates to all of us.
Great seeing Enlil in the interview can’t waint to see what’s next and yes, more to discuss on and these will be actual cool opportunities for me to face myself within a relationship such as the one with A. Transcending our definitions and limitations is one point, and chaning my attitude the most immediate situation.
Tomorrow I’ll meet up again with V. a guy I met 4 years ago at a sonic youth concert and so he’s quite interested in knowing what desteni is so, yes, lol, he’s getting ready to hear this stuff. IT should be interesting. I feel like a spokes person lol, weird, quite a big responsibility but I enjoy it
ok. thanks for reading !