I gave myself the opportunity to go out into an unusual situation in my life as going out with my friend Y. and what was supposed to be a reunion with some ‘radical’ people as one of his teachers and other two guys in a place where people mainly drink and get food by paying a great amount of money for the drink, quite a scam to be honest but these people seem to like it. Ok so I agreed because I felt a resistance towards actually accepting the invitation and going to a place that I know I wouldn’t just ‘fit right in’ because I do not drink alcohol anymore so I decided to be there even though I knew that people would be drinking and that probably the whole set up of the place wasn’t the kind of places I’ve ever been to, seriously it was a challenge for me to dare go there but things went a bit further on from what I originally expected -yes, we know how expectations kind of fuck everything up and here’s my proof –
While going in the bus to this place I talked with Y. on his future plans and he is quite serious with doing something, becoming a political activist as doing tangible actions that create an impact in our society withing the starting point of being one and equal and directing ourselves firstly through creating this awareness and expanding it towards people, though this is the plot idea. The way to actually do this is still not fully ‘practical’ and effective in my point of view. for example he wants to make some lines as poems and place them in price tags within the posh stores here in mall centers though, I don’t know the effectiveness of this, sometimes I get to picky because of wanting to do the ‘effective thing’ without even giving a try to anything at all, hmm quite a point to see within myself. And there were other ideas though the cool thing is that he has the determination to do this, to become independent and to still work in his theories and sociological work which is what he formerly studied. I enjoyed this part of our conversation though everything else went downfall as we got to that place and there were many men mainly only getting drunk but I, let’s say, breathed through the situation and tried not to be a little princess as I am used to -meaning, going to ‘nice’ places to eat and so on and embracing the other side which is almost hidden from me, it’s a place where my parents would never like to see me in for example, though it wasn’t TOO terrible either, just another typical mexican pub.
Then one of his friends arrived and we talked kind of ok then the infamous teacher arrived and I was there because I had heard how ‘direct’ and ‘straight to the point’ he was while talking with people during his class and making them aware and see things that they usually didn’t get by other teachers, though I certainly only had one eye to see how he worked and his ‘cut the chase’ way of speaking wasn’t common sense but merely a bunch of knowledge as the usual intellectual verbal diarrhea that justifies anything from other theory makers, classic novels and even religion and all that shite that has gotten us nowhere within this world. I noticed some contradictions and how I was kind of far away from his concepts. He even tagged me as a fucking ‘mystic’ once he was kind of having more than two beers inside because I wasn’t drinking and so it was quite a bug for him saying that only ‘saints’ do not drink, balblablabla… though in the other hand it’s also confronting myself with other people that don’t know me at all and how I present myself and they immediately get what I’m about meaning, my current view on life etc. It surprised me how this man tagged me as a fucknig mystic, probably because he later on claimed having survived on very little food for some time while he had become some kind of buddhist practicer. Everyone has a white light story to tell.
Another girl arrived and it all just compounded they began talking mere shit really and I felt uncomfortable. I just wanted to leave which I would’ve done if I didnj’t have to wait till the check was made to see how much I had to pay, I was like a weird insect because I was not drinking LOL, I discussed how they think themselves as open minded though tag me if in a certainly despective way because I choose to not drink. That man, the teacher, said that drinking allows something within the body to allow to express you and that’s the point when drinking – according to him, towards which I was just amazed and completely thought how I was not so going to explain myself to these people because of how they were having their fun and their shallow old and rusty excuses of a certain kind of social alcoholic that requires some alcoholed blood to have the balls to talk. IT’s completely hilarious how people think that drinking alcohol and talking about how misserable their lives are is something to be IN and how drinking and merely talking about things that ARE becomes quite boring for them. Yes here that deal of ‘misery loves company’ adjusts very well and I really thought that this teacher was going to be someone with whom I was going to be able to discuss some points and actually share cool stuff but nope, he just tagged me as a ‘mystic’ and he made a joke of myself in a way that I didn’t enjoy at all. I tried to laugh along though I found most of their humor quite eerie sarcasm and I completely had to speak up when they were talking in the back of this girl who ‘everyone dislikes’ according to their thoughts and so in the end I said that I was her as well – the girl they were criticizing and judging – and so lol it was as if I had completely ‘broken the spell’ in one single moment and left them wondering for a secong until I explained how everyone else is me as well and so they just decided to tag me as post modernist and whatnot, really, very very closed fucked up people I was with and I wasn’t enjoying myself at all there until they decied we had to go and I was glad because I sort of saw how I was completely out of place AND ruining the party for them.
I had agreed metting up with V. another ‘blast from the past’ within my life and so I was glad to leave that place though on our way downtown things got worse and it’s the first time that I’ve felt so unwelcomed and so rejected somewhere that I hadn’t felt in for long long long time, then i was a little FAR TOO uncomfortable and this friend of Y. saying "oh no what will Marlen say! that I’m an alcoholic!" and I said, ‘nope, I don’t need to say things, things just ARE’ and so everyone laughed but then someone Y. was getting very ashamed of having invited me and taken me there which actually was quite uncomfortable for him as well and someone said, oh no stop it otherwise marlen won’t want to hang out with us again and I left the silence for a second to speak and said humorously: "Oh I’m almost out of this car"! and it was kind of fun though the teacher that was driving he just opened the locks of the doors and everyone just went completely frozen and this guy said:ooh they even already opened you the door locks though I controlled myself because I think that in the past I would’ve completely gone mad in that m oment and done something that would show my discomfort. I waited till they stopped to get some stuff from Y’s offices and I went out of car said goodbye to never see them again if possible. I got out and explained Y. but I was feeling to locked in with the whole situation because it certainly was an event, an unusual event within my life which made me see many many points within myself but also my inhability to just get along with people who are clearly deceiving themselves. And this is becoming something stronger within me, really. Oops I just saw A. walking down the street with his gf and reacted lol fuck – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with an eerie feeling within me while seeing A. walking down the street with his girlfriend.
Let’s continue. I left them and kind of explaiend to Y. how I do not have the ‘touch’ to be nice to people when I’m clearly not comfortable. I mean really I have to work withi this because it’s reactive behaviour as almost wanting to yell people when they are talking shit about others when they aren’t there or when they merely want to have their ‘fun talks’ which usually contain all sorts of unnecessary thoughts and ideas. Then I waited for like 20 minutes till it was time to meet V and I just sat in a bench, walked around downtown appreciating the simplicity of life and being quiet as not talking unecessary shit, as being myself without being attacked by not fitting into social standards of communication…. I eased myself and then went to the cafe to meet up with V.
He’s a 28 year old guy who I met back in 2004 in a sonic youth concert and we have our little story where he was the first guy that ever declared that he ‘liked me’ and that was it, lol, nothing else really happened. He was just a guy with whom I was kind of infatuated years ago that showed me the world of cool books and cool music as well, another ‘important’ influence within my life to see another side of life which was also unknown to me. So It was the first time I’d see him in exactly 2 years when I had met him up once when I was already in a relationship and told him how he had desillusioned myself when he had talked about love and wanting to be with me when he never really acted and did something about it – plus hiding the fact that he had a gf, lol- though this time meeting him up it was just seeing another one in my world he seemed to be happy to see me, i was as well and I didn’t really mentioned anything from our past this time. I had met with him to specifically talk about desteni and all the process that is going on in Earth. It was really cool talking with him because he’s the kind of person that listens carefully to everything you have to say without trying to interrupt too much or making faces that will advance any reaction. Lol so when I was explaining the basics I was going ‘how are you digesting this?’ lol, he said that all was cool, yet yeah too much in so little time but he said that everything was like common sensical in a way, he used another word which I ca’t remember at this moment but mainly expressing then that he had have his own personal search within this mainly by attending gnostic reunions and reading about magic, and many other things like Anton Szandor Lavey, hehe and so he explained how he’d practiced meditation mainly to be ‘in control’ of your body and the whole breathing awareness which I said it was cool as breath is all we really are. He smiled. He explained how he had talked about these topics with his friend that is in gnostic stuff and how they would usually have confrontations within their ideas and how with this stuff that I was talking about it was all flowing within him.
I explained how usually people get confused with the porrtal situation and how they get all taken away by the fact that dead people are talking etc and he seemed to instantly dig it as people always rejecting what’s beyond their understanding so to him the portal situation was something certainly ‘rare’ for him but he – as common sensical person – said that it doesn’t really matter what the source is but the message. So it was very cool talking with him about this and then talking on what I see and experience within myself through this year of finding desteni and being aware of myself and the world as myself. He was kind of flabbergasted. He has always been this kind of few-worded guy though it was cool seeing his point of view and still defending part of ‘who he is’ as it is usual when you first find out what we really are. He said that he was impressed how I had managed to understand things that he’d understood by actually ‘falling’ within life situations. Lol I said that it requires observation and also explained how there are lots of videos that talk and explain these human conditions as well.We only spend two and a half hours talking as I had to leave to get home so I ended it all by saying how I share this with people when they are interested in that and he said that he always feels this ‘cool vibe’ when talking to me so it was ok, he says that I seem ‘worry less’ lol what a contradiction from what others tell me as being bitter because of ‘worrying too much’ well this are perceptions of myself. He’s got long hair and when I explained how and why I had cut myhair he laughed and said that he wouldn’t do it, lol I said how it was part of my definition as an image etc so he was kind of amazed by it. Well I would really like to write details but generally it was cool seeing him again and that was it. I came home with menstrual pains and yikes yeah that was it today. I called A because I wanted to share my experience but he was going out to the movies and by the tone of his voice, his gf was around, lol sucker and he claims to be ‘the same person’ when he’s with or without his gf. Well thanks for reading.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable for my perception of not being able to have fun as ‘normal people’ do
I forgive myself that I have accepted adn allowed myself to feel uncomfortable by being rejected within a group of people because of not knowing what rejection was before
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe dmyself to doubt of my expression in that moment fearing ‘not being cool’ towards this people and actually becoming quite unbearable for them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger towards seeing others deliberate talking in someone’s back being it truth or not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be alittle affected on that man perceiving me as ‘mystic’ due to how I had considered myself in a mystic way into knowing the ultimate truth in the past
I embrace my past and I do not accept and allow myself to anylonger be affected by ‘who I thought I was and what I believed in’ Because I am not any of that .
Hey thanks for reading again and enjoy the day